1345: Legaia If Life Allows – Chapter Four and Five

Title: Legaia If Life Allows
Author: Vick330
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Legaia
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Legaia If Life Allows
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Welcome back to Wednesday, patrons!  This week we’re diving into the pedophilia section of the fic.   I am so, so sorry.

Since it’s going to get icky in here, and this chapter is dedicated mostly to sex, I figured I’d call in one of our local sex experts… sexperts to help out.  So, naturally, I dragged Swenia back in.

“Why do you hate me?”

Also, Glasses and Syl not only built a bleacher section for this week’s riff, but also somehow convinced a few Darkwriaths to wander around as food vendors.

*Snags a hot dog from a passing Darkwraith*

Not that I’m complaining.

So, last time we drove our pity party from Noa’s fish-encrusted cave to Drake Castle, where Vahn is drinking.  He drinks for a bit, reminisces about the time he almost had sex with Mei, and then the scene just sorta ends.  A few days after that pointless scene of drinking, Gala shows up with the news about Noa.  News which he waited six months to bring.  He brow beats Vahn for a bit about not being true to his heart or whatever, we flash back to a scene insertion where Vahn and Noa have a date and a kiss that they agree never to mention again, and Vahn eventually agrees to go find Noa.

The chapter after that is Vahn and Gala going to the mountains, and then Gala letting Vahn wander up into them like an idiot.  In true idiot form, Vahn eventually falls for a stunningly unlikely trap where the vegetation was loosened on a cliff-face.  He falls off the cliff and Noa, who just so happens to be close by, hears him hit the ground.  She runs to make sure the deadly trap she left didn’t actually kill anyone and finds Vahn laying there in a pool of blood.

That brings us to now:

***** Chapter 4 – Reunited *****

You know what, we may need those.

*Snags the asterisks and plops them into the spare punctuation box*

So, Swenia, I think before we get started we need to make a pact.

“If it’s a suicide pact, I should warn you that I’m terrible at those.  I always end up living.”

Uh, no.  From here on out I think we should agree to see this chapter as the author probably meant it: with much older characters.  My tenuous faith in humanity makes me want to believe that he actually thought Vahn and Noa were much, much older and that this whole train wreck is born out of a lack of research rather than a desire to write pedophilia.  I’d argue that this is supported by Vahn’s portrayal in chapter three.

“Hmm, seems like a good way to preserve our sanity.  So, what are you thinking?  Twenties?”

Yeah, let’s go with that.

*Popcorn showers down on Taco and Swenia*

Syl is naturally upset that we’re going with the cleaner version.

His first sensation, as he regained consciousness, was of something cool on his brow.

Banana slugs are quick to scavenge a downed animal.  It’s best to never sleep too soundly in the forest, or else they’ll swarm you.  A pack of banana slugs can strip a corpse of all soft tissue in minutes!

“God, that’s terrifying!  And people say the savanna is brutal!”

He opened his eyes a little, the dimness indicating that it was either late afternoon, or that he was in a cavern.

“Or that it was early morning, or that your eyes are failing, or you’re in a house, or you’re under a coniferous tree, or-”

Yes, we get it.

Gentle hands cradled his bruised body, and then his sight focused, allowing him to see her.

“Are you all right, Vahn? I don’t think that anything is broken, so just lay still.” Said Noa, with concern in her voice.

“Takes a tumble off a cliff and the worst he gets is a few bruises!? And I thought I was durable.”

Well, he does still have the Ra-Seru powers because reasons.

“Oh!  So the only reason the trap didn’t kill him was because he’s super-humanly durable?”

Pretty much.  Which makes that whole ‘going to check to make sure the person wasn’t hurt’ bit of the narrative in the last chapter a blatant lie.

She dipped a cloth in a pail of water, and softly cleaned the caked blood from his head.

Wait, where the hell did she get a bucket? She fled town with only Cort and anything she could carry.  Why on earth would she bring a bucket with her!?

Fortunately, even if the fall had been enough to knock him out, for several hours, it hadn’t caused any serious damage.

“Only damaged his brain, anyway.  It wasn’t very important in the first place.”

With as little as he used it, I don’t think it’ll be missed.

“Did you carry me here?” he asked.

Nope, she used the handy teleporter.  Of course she carried you, moron!

“Yes, you’ve gained some weight, you know. I had to secure you with ropes, and lift you up the cliff’s face.

Okay, I’ll buy her having ropes. If you know you’re going to be running away to… anywhere in the wild, you bring rope or some kind of cordage.  Really, you should have four basic things: cordage, a blade, flint and tinder, and a container.  Which, yeah, she brought a bucket, but generally your container should be something more portable, like a canteen.

Beyond that, why is she living in such a dangerous spot that it requires a sheer cliff climb to get to and from?  She’s got a whole mountain range to hide in!  She should be able to find a valley nestled deep in there somewhere that is less treacherous to live in and still provide all the necessities for life.

Luckily it wasn’t far.” She replied with a light smile on her lips.

“Just a few hundred feet straight up!  Barely any distance at all!”

Vahn wondered at her strength, and determination, so different from the ladies at the Royal court.

Apparently Vahn wasn’t paying attention during the course of the game.  Dude, she’s a martial-artist who was empowered by a Ra-Seru, just like you were.  Since Ra-Seru powers are apparently permanent, she probably could have just tossed you up the cliff.

He raised himself tentatively, realizing with thankfulness that, apart from a mild headache, all systems seemed to be running smoothly.

“Shit!  He’s a robot!  Quick, girl, push him off the cliff.”

I think it’s just really bad, writing.  I don’t think he’s actually a robot.

“Oh.  Push him off the cliff anyway!”

He then directed his attention at Noa.

Whenever anyone uses this phrase, I can’t help but imagine them as a traffic cop with one of those little orange plastic lightsabers.

She was clothed in dull gray attire: loose shirt, pants, boots, and kerchief hiding her striking red hair; she would be all but invisible among boulders.

“Which, if she’s living up on a cliff and coming down to the forest to get food, is pointless camouflage.  She’d do better to dress in earthy tones so she won’t be spotted in the more accessible areas.”

Sorrow could be seen in her eyes, but also excitement, and relief at having him before her.

Sweet crap those are expressive eyes!  It’s like each one has its own face!

“Thanks, I needed that mental image.”

She was still so beautiful, just as he remembered, just as she had appeared in his dreams. So long he had waited for this moment, to finally be face to face with her, but words got stuck in his throat, and he remained silent.

“He probably can’t talk due to the brain damage.”

Five days went by, a whole week since he had entered the mountains.

“We’re not even going to finish the other scene!?”

Author got bored with this scene so he decided to move on; he’s strangely aware of how dull his writing is.  Doesn’t stop him from continuing to write dull scenes, but it does tend to keep the scenes short.

“That doesn’t really bode well for the smut I was promised.”

Vahn knew that Gala would not be concerned for several more days, for they had talked at length about this expedition, and the monk was amazingly patient.

He sent you into a freaking mountain range without any direction or apparent planning.  He should be prepared to wait much, much longer than a week.

So he spent the time rejoicing in the peaceful surroundings, and Noa’s presence.

And the rocks.  Don’t forget the rocks.VLL_Rock

The ordeals she had endured had not been able to break her spirit, and she was, as always, the uncomplicated, honest, loyal person he loved so much.

“I guess we’re just going to skim over the six months where you didn’t do anything to help her.”

Well, that was mostly Gala’s fault since it appears the rumors didn’t spread any farther than Biron Monastery. As illogical as that is, it’s canon for the fic so Vahn has an out there.  But, she should still be kinda pissed that Vahn didn’t show up until after all the drama had died down.

If only he could muster the courage to say what needed to be said, but up to now, he had only tried to persuade her to come back with him to Drake Kingdom.

“What is it he needs to say, again?  ‘Sorry I’m so useless’ maybe?”

“Why don’t you stay with me here, Vahn? Don’t we have all we need, with nobody to bother us?” was her constant response.

Winter is going to be a bit of a shock to her. Actually, it should have been already.  I’m not sure our author understands how seasons work, or how hard surviving a winter in the mountains is.

“And anyway, you’re not well enough to go down the mountain, you should stay a few more days.”

“Didn’t she say he wasn’t very hurt?  If he spent several hours unconscious and then requires several days convalescence, he’s pretty badly hurt.”

She probably doesn’t know what she’s doing, which is believable given her total lack of medical training.

She had added that morning, even if they both knew the falsenesses of the affirmation.

Gah!  Dude, the comma abuse is bad enough, so leave the poor thesaurus alone!

She dreaded being alone again, but wouldn’t leave her safe haven for an unsure future.

Suddenly, and from behind, a point of view shift!  Literary sickness bags are under your chairs if you need them.

She brought him to Cort’s grave, and her eyes remained dry for once.

So it’s been long enough that she’s recovered from the death of her brother.  At least enough not to openly cry about it when reminded.  With how broken up she was in chapter one, it’s likely that even more time has passed than I thought.  Gala is absolutely the worst friend.

She also told him about all that had come to past, since they had last seen each other, filling in the gaps that Gala couldn’t know about.  They talked for a long time, oblivious to the coming night, for there was much catching up to do, and they wanted this moment to last forever.

“So at what point during Vahn’s stay are we?  It’s been several days according to the prose, but they’re catching up as if it’s the first day.”

I think the author is trying to have it both ways.  Several days of Noa nursing Vahn back to health for the hurt/comfort angle, but also a night of sudden passion because they haven’t seen each other in a while and are catching up.  Usually you see this kind of thing when the scenes are being written as the author thinks of them as opposed to doing actual planning.

Anyway, strap in, folks, because here it comes!

*Cheering erupts in the bleachers*

The next day, the young man finally got his act together and faced her, “Noa, there’s a few things we have to talk about. First, Mei married another.”

After some more forced melodrama, of course.

*Popcorn rains down on Taco and Swenia*

“How old is Mei again?”

For this chapter, thirty-eight.  Canonically, thirteen.

“They marry young in Legaia.”

No, they really don’t.  They engage young, which is a different thing.

“I’m sorry, Vahn.” She said, but her eyes shone with hope.

That seems rather disingenuous.

“Can’t blame the girl, though.  Sometimes being there on the rebound is a good way to score some nookie.”

Some people are interested in deeper relationships, though.

“Some people don’t get as much nookie.”

“It’s all right, I’ve come to realize that my love for her was like that of a brother for a sister, and I’m happy for her, Trevor is a good man.”

There are other punctuation marks than the comma, author.  Periods, semicolons, colons, and the like.  Maybe try to familiarize yourself with some of those in your next fic.

He resumed, “I want to apologize for what happened in Sol, it was stupid of me, will you forgive me?”

“What happened in Sol, again?”

He kissed her.

“So he’s telling the girl that he was stupid for kissing her?  Smooooooth.”

“What? You mean that you’re not angry at me, for freaking out on you like that?”

If every couple who had an awkward first kiss broke up and hated each other forever in the aftermath, humanity would have died out a few millennia ago.

“I don’t believe this. All that time I thought that you were the one mad at me.”

“You sure the author thinks these two are older than their canon age?”

I’m desperately clinging to that hope, yes.  In his favor, a lot of fanfiction features romance with the emotional maturity of a fourteen-year-old, even for pairings who are a few decades older.  This ‘style’ of romance probably has its roots in anime, which often has romantic tension based on poor communication between the paired characters.  With this fic being based on a JRPG, it’s not an unexpected trope to run into.

“No, I even hoped that you would kiss me again, but I didn’t want to come between Mei and you.”

Which, if Noa is anything, she’s super blunt and not above making social gaffs.

“So nothing like her portrayal here.”

Yeah, the author isn’t so good at holding to canon characterization.

He didn’t answer, but instead stepped closer, until their faces were nearly touching.

“I really hate that guy who stands too close when he talks to you.”

Tenderly, he held her, touching his lips to her brow, her eyes, the tip of her nose, brushing against her expecting mouth, and then softly kissing her.

“Just kiss the girl!  No need to rub your face all over her first!”

She responded, tentatively at first, then with assurance.


Back off the thesaurus, man!

It was different from that unfortunate incident in Sol, she was more mature, not ignorant has before, and she had longed for so long for this moment.

*Snort*  “Yes, eighteen months makes all the difference.  Especially with no other serious relationships in the mean time.  ‘More mature’ my tail.”

Does a kiss that neither of you actually regretted count as unfortunate?  I don’t think the narrator is actually paying attention to what is going on in the fic.

Vahn brushed strands of hair from her face, “Please, come with me, I will care for you, you will never be alone again.”

“This is why I prefer it when my mates don’t talk once the foreplay starts.  Some of them make these vaguely patronizing overtures that really spoil the mood.”

Well, at least he didn’t say ‘I’ll take care of you’ but rather ‘care for you.’  It’s a nuanced difference, but the meaning of the second is much less one-sided.

“I…I can’t…I have to think…I…” and with that she went out of the cavern, to try to restore some order to her thoughts.

“Told you, total mood killer.”

Dude just cock-blocked himself.

Blissfully, he understood, and respected her need for privacy;  he had much to ponder also.

So… he’s happy he chased her out of the cave by coming on too strong?

“Maybe the cave is really nice and he’s hoping to get her to sell low.  I’d be pretty quick to sell if there was a prick squatting in my cave.”

You wouldn’t just kick him out?

“Mmmm, fair enough.  It is more likely that I’d dump his corpse off the cliff.”

Well, that escalated quickly.

She walked for a long time, musing. Vahn had his pick among the beautiful, sophisticated ladies, wearing pretty gowns, and elaborate hairdos, she had seen at Drake castle.  What would he want with an unkempt, plain girl, with boyish manners, anyway?

“The author really doesn’t know women very well if he thinks they would be throwing themselves at this drunken moron.”

Well, he is one of the three heroes of the world and would have a relatively high standing in the court as King’s adviser.  It’s possible that women would be throwing themselves at him, but mostly so they can marry him, kill him, and walk away with his power.

“Okay, I can get behind that.  But it does show how little Noa understands this person she is ostensibly in love with.”

Indeed.  Vahn is a martial-artist from a coastal fishing village.  Given what he does throughout the course of the game, it’s likely he would have little use for anyone who couldn’t pull their own weight.  Again, all the romantic tension is derived from lack of communication.

Wouldn’t he tire of her, and leave her alone? Wasn’t it better to remain here, and not take the chance of being hurt?

This is actually a reasonable line of thinking for what she’s been through recently.  If nothing else, she should be considering getting new friends who would actually have come running at the first hint that something was wrong.

Several hours later, she came back with fierce determination in her eyes.

Somebody get that poor girl to the eyewash station!

“I don’t know if I will go with you yet. I have something to ask you first.” His expectant posture emboldened her to continue, “What will happen after, and if, we go back to Drake Kingdom?”

Probably a lot of work and drudgery.  Your civilization essentially just collapsed.  Nobody knows how to grow food, travel via air coaches is gone, construction and mining will need to be reinvented, and now that the world is no longer super-dangerous to travel through everyone is going to need to start thinking about developing political relations and trade.  It’s going to be right mess for a while.

“Her plan of staying in the cave is looking pretty good.  Provided they figure out that whole Winter thing.”

It’s a big planet that nobody knows very well at this point.  I’d say they should just move to the plains or lower forests and hang there.  Much easier living.

There was no hesitation in his voice, as he said, “We will get married, of course, and I will build you a nice house to live in, near the beach.”

That’s going to make it very difficult to get to work every day.  There is no beach anywhere close to Drake Castle.  Or is he suggesting that he’s going to quit the cushy adviser position?

“So what is she going to do?”

Hmm, good question.  It seems like Vahn’s plan isn’t really giving her much of a role.  Not that there’s much of a plan there in the first place.

He then went down on one knee, holding her hand, “Will you honor me, by becoming my wife?”

“Don’t do it, girl!  He doesn’t view you on equal standing!  Have your way with him and show him the door.”

That the voice of experience talking?


“But, Vahn, I’ve changed, you don’t know me all that well, are you sure about this?”

“Finally one of them is saying something intelligent!”

Don’t expect it to last.

“I’ve been a fool for way too long.



I don’t want to lose you again, of that I am sure.”

That is so weirdly phrased compared to the rest of the dialogue that I had to check it against being stolen from somewhere.  Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be original, if a bit overwrought, dialogue.

“But, it’s crazy.” Tears were welling inside her, in her wildest dreams she had never expected this.

“See what happens when you send people to the eyewash station, Taco?  Now her tears are impacted!”

How was I supposed to know that could happen!?

“If life allows me but one insanity, let it be my love for you, my crazy love for a sweet, honest, and gentle girl.

Woof.  *Rubs throat*  Dammit all!  Not only a title drop, but more overwrought dialogue!

“Wasn’t that the poem from the beginning of this mess?”

By Jove, you’re right!  He stole from himself!


Rippin’ Shit Off: 5

I don’t see myself with any other, please say yes.” Emotion made his voice falter, and he held her gaze.

“I can’t help but feel this is a really bad move for the two of them.  Based on what we’ve seen so far, they barely know each other.  Certainly they have a hard time talking to each other about their feelings or anything else that’s important.”

Yeah I think you’re ri-

“They should just have a quick romp in bed for a few days then maybe settle into being the kind of friends who have a lot of sex.”

And you lost me.

For an answer, she kneeled to his level, hugged, and kissed him, to which he reciprocated with quiet passion.

“Quiet passion?  How does that work.  Passion, by very definition, is boisterous and encompassing.  It expresses a near consuming madness for someone or something.  A drive that cannot be ignored.  Quiet my ass!  Author, you’re not good enough a writer to try to pull off Shakespearean oxymorons, so keep it simple.”

Noa had decided that whatever happened, she would have one gift from him, a memory to cherish and comfort herself with.

“She gon’ bonk him hard.”


“It’s more honest than her version, at least.”

She stood up, stepping back, disrobing, and showing herself in all simplicity, with no shame, no doubts, no fears, but only trust and love.

“Finally!  Now we’re getting down to business!  Typically I find it more fun to undress your partner as he reciprocates, but the ‘strip down and jump on each other’ method does have merit.  It’s straight forward and gets you in and out quick enough to work on a lunch break.”

That’s what she-

“I will bite you in the face.”


Vahn shed his clothes, and similarly let her see him, for once not feeling self-conscious, as had been the case in the past.

So what, the other times he’s been naked in front of her he was self-conscious about it?  Is this in reference to some other scenes that were supposed to be inserted into the canon that you forgot to actually write in or something, author?

“Are they just going to stare at each other?  That would get pretty awkward if you let it go on long enough.  Trust me, it’s way less uncomfortable if you mush your bodies together once the clothes are out of the way.  More fun, too.”

He let himself be drawn into those emerald orbs

Gah!  The purple vortex is drawing him in!

“Let this be a warning to everyone.  Do not go into a poorly-written, cheesy romance without securing your safety line first.”

He let himself be drawn into those emerald orbs, feeling tender desire, not lust, for this was a pure, untainted moment, and he saw Noa in her entirety, inner and outer beauty evident in a fleeting glance.

*Snort* “That’s written by somebody who isn’t very honest about the desires of the flesh.  Buddy, you’re allowed to lust after somebody that you also feel genuine love for.  In fact, the two can easily compliment each other.  It is no base thing to have your partner genuinely lust after you.”

“Not to mention with as bad as you two have wanted this moment, well, Vahn is going to be flying his flag pretty high right now.”

“And by that I mean he’s going to have a large erection.”

Yes, we all understood your innuendo.

On her skin were the marks of countless battles, but to him she was more beautiful than any other, for she was the one he loved, the one he had waited for all of his life.

“What do you mean, ‘but’?  What’s unattractive about scars?”

Not everyone is into them.  Maybe Vahn is from that camp of people.

“Shame, he’s kinda cute.  Few more years on him and-”

Moving on!

They approached each other slowly, silently, unwilling to risk shattering that fragile instant, tentatively touching, cautiously exploring, mouths uniting, hearts beating in harmony, souls rejoicing at having found a companion, a lover, a friend.

Sweet crap, the commas!

“Please tell me the smut gets less vague than this clumsy show of heavy petting.”

Uh, well…

“Dammit, Taco.”

He kissed her with gentle desperation, as if her lips were a life-giving spring, as if only she could ever quench his thirst.

“So much for lust not being involved.”

I pretty well established that the narrator of this fic is pretty untrustworthy.

“This isn’t even the fun kind of lust, either.  It’s the desperate lust of somebody who hasn’t had sex in a while – or at all.  That brand of lust never ends in a particularly satisfying night.  There’s generally a lot of enthusiasm, but everything ends up getting rushed.  Hopefully the next few nights go a little slower, but tonight is going to be a little disappointing for them both.”

Noa’s instincts had never betrayed her, they told her that this was true, that this was right, and she drew her companion down on her makeshift cot of fur covered grass.

“Instincts aren’t all that trustworthy when it comes to relationships, kiddo.  They tell you to have sex with pretty much anything that’s handy when the hormones are flowing.  It’s not until the next day that your brain actually kicks in and starts offering more sound advice.  Or sometimes a week or two later.”

Seeing as you have a cub with a dude who let you get hauled off to a concentration camp with nary a peep, your word on that is pretty convincing.

“Yeah, I’m figure A, B, and C of why instinct makes for a shitty decision making process.  Not that the hormones gave me much choice in the matter.”

Sensing that Vahn was holding back, feeling gratefulness at his affectionate concern for her, she took the initiative, and then they were united in one flesh, one mind, one soul, joined in a timeless embrace of intimacy and love that even angels long for, many times repeated, true, but always new to those pure of heart, as are all mysteries of life.

*Taco grabs his eyes, falls out of his chair, and writhes on the ground*

Sweet gods, that was purple!  Why wasn’t I wearing the goggles!?

“Such a ddrama llama.  At least we finally got some actual smut while I’m here to see it.  Such that it is.  Sadly no throbbing, turgid members, though.  I feel kinda sorry for the author; he’s going to be in for a bit of a disappointment when he finally gets some sex.  Those first few times are far less magical than Hollywood would have you believe.  A lot of fumbling around and trying to figure out how to get the tab into the right slot.”

Noa embraced the feelings building-up inside her, giving herself to the moment with no reservations.

“That’s fast.  Barely any foreplay either.  Is she one of those lucky girls who can orgasm at the drop of a hat?”

Why did I invite you, again?

“It was either me or Syl.”

Ahh, right.  Isn’t she here, too, though?

*Popcorn rains down on Taco*

She also knows I hate popcorn.

Her hold on her lover tightened, and an incontrollable moan escaped her, as the world exploded in a symphony of sensations, celebration of life, and pure unbound joy.

*Taco fall out of his chair again and writhes on the ground in agony*

“Jeez, girl, it’s just an orgasm.  Haven’t you been masturbating at all?  Sure, the sex-based orgasm is a lot better of an experience, but it doesn’t cause a reality-altering epiphany in comparison.  It’s like the difference between hand-crafted German chocolate and a cheap candy bar.  The German stuff is oh-so-good, but sometimes all you need to get you through the day is a Snickers.”

Vahn kissed her neck, buried his face in her hair, reveling in the taste of her skin, inebriated by her scent.

“Wait, are they still going?  Cool!”  *Pulls a tub of popcorn out of the SDQF*

Someday you’re going to tell me how you do that.

He was wholly committed, in a way that transcended the body, and touched the deepest parts of his being.

“Which means he’s beyond the point of no return.  You know it just occurred to me: I don’t think either of these two is using any kind of protection.”

Yeah, that’s why there’s a sequel.

“Oh.  I can relate.  Even though it worked out okay for me.”

“Noa, I love you!” the words passed his lips of their own volition, as his body tensed with the release of his pleasure.

“See, told you he was close.”

“I love you, I love you…” He whispered in her ear, many times over, elated at finally being able to utter those words to her, feeling complete, content, fulfilled.

“At least he isn’t crying.  I’ll take clingy over that.”

And what’s your overall preference?

“Round two in the shower afterwards.”

Now that I have that information, I can’t remember why I thought it was a good idea to ask.

The next morning found them, still in each other’s arms.

“Literally stuck to each other.”

Dude, ew.

Vahn awoke, gladness filling his heart, at the realization that it had all been real, and not a mere dream. “My Love, this I swear,” He said softly, “I will spend my life with you, and you’ll never be alone, ever again, my sweet Noa, I am all yours…for always.”

“I’m getting a Romeo and Juliet vibe here all of a sudden.”

Wasn’t that a satire about two young idiots whose hormones got the better of them and they mistook it for true love?

“Now you’re catching on.”

Even in the embrace of slumber, there was a smile on the red-haired girl’s relaxed features, for she knew, with unshakable certainty, that even should they part in body, their souls would remain together, forever.

“Either that, or she was having that awesome dream about winning the lottery.”

Geh, I hate waking up from that dream.

And with that, dear patrons, chapter four comes to a close!  Chapter five is really short and serves as an epilogue for the fic, so we may as well press on to the end.

***** Chapter 5 – A New Life *****

Which is going to be really hard to pull off given your notoriety.

Rim Elm, Drake Kingdom, five years later.

So, they get a new life by moving into the village where Vahn grew up?  I’m not sure the author knows how a ‘new life’ is supposed to work.

“Children, lunch is ready!” announced Mei to the boy and two girls.

“My, she’s fertile.  Must have pumped them out pretty quick.  It’s been six and a half years since the end of the game, and she’s got three kids old enough to be called to dinner.”

Or she’s taking care of more than just her children.

“Fine, use logic.”

As usual, Nara was first to react and took the lead, she not only was a smaller, four-year-old, version of Noa, but had also inherited her mother’s speed, and spirit.

“You wouldn’t be so insufferable if you weren’t right about these things all the time.”

Genre savviness comes with the job.

Thoram, five springs into the world, stepped in, gently carrying his three-year-old sister, Candela, in his arms.

“Ech, those names.”

Well, it is a Japanese game.  Odd names come with the territory.  Though those are really pushing the accepted boundaries of crazy anime names.

These were both Mei’s offspring; little Candela was like her father, blonde and looking at the world through big, curious blue orbs.

Eyes.  They’re called eyes, author.  Put down the thesaurus, stop trying to sound smart, and just write.

“Candela is a measure of luminescence, isn’t it?”

… Have you been sneaking some physics behind my back?

“Sneaking a physicist, more like.”

Don’t want to know.

The boy was brown-eyed and haired, big and strong for his age, and had Trevor’s personality, infinitely kind, caring, and quiet.

“It strikes me that all three of these children now have more description than their parents.”

Probably because the author has made the classic mistake of assuming you know what all the characters from the video game look like. It’s a short cut a lot of fic writers use.  Probably because it’s easy.

“So, because they’re lazy.”

I was trying to be nice.

*Swenia snorts*

Mei’s husband came behind her, hugged her gently in his powerful arms, and kissed her cheek, just as the kids stepped in. “Yuk! Gwoss!” exclaimed Candela, “Get a room!” piped Nara. Thoram rolled his eyes but remained silent.


Doth my eyes deceive me?  A character rolling their eyes that is of an appropriate age to do so!?  HAS IT FINALLY HAPPENED!?

The adults smiled at the display, remembering a time when they shared the same opinions, and at any rate the little ones seemed more amused than disturbed.

Actually, they seem a little young yet to be overly embarrassed by the display.  Typically you would probably expect that in the eight to fourteen range.  The author probably doesn’t have kids, though, so it’s a small thing that probably would otherwise pass without much thought.

As they sat to enjoy a meal of bread, cheese, and fruit, Nara asked Mei, her gray-green eyes looking at the young woman expectantly, “When can I see Mommy, Auntie?”.

Hey look, she has graeen eyes!

“At least they aren’t orbs.”

“Soon, sweetie, the baby will be born shortly, and then you’ll go and meet your new sibling.” Said Mei.

I think Mei might be a robot, too.

“One day I will have a baby all my own!” announced Nara proudly.

“Mee twoo!” joined Candela.

“Me three.” Added Thoram.

Well, this is a medieval analogue, so it’s likely all three of you will get your wish.  Lots of babby for everyone back then.

Nara looked at the ceiling, in a gesture of hopelessness, “Boys can’t have babies, silly! It’s a girl thing!”

Well, at least her parents told her about how that works.  Still, they probably could have shared the whole joint ownership thing about babies.

“You make babies sound like a bank account.”

I’d say they’re more like a loan.  You pay for them every month and they take a long time to mature.

“Says who?” inquired the boy.

“Says the Elder, and Mommy, and Auntie Nene, and many, many more!” concluded the red-haired girl.

Can’t be that many more.  You just named like half the people in the village.

Used at losing arguments to his energetic friend, and not really caring about the whole thing anyway, the boy shrugged and silently ate his fare.

Poor guy, getting bullied already.

“They’re going to end up together in the next fic, aren’t they?”

Not really, but it’s not set very long after this one, so they’re still too young to really jump to conclusions either way.

Satisfied, and thoroughly pleased with herself, Nara attacked her own food hungrily.

She seems a little too articulate and developed for being four, but I’ll leave it for now.  It’ll be something that will come up in the next fic anyway.

Mei still wondered at the name Vahn and Noa had chosen for the girl, she suspected that it was a contraction of two words from the old tongue, literarily meaning ‘Mountain’s Beloved’, but her friends had never commented on it.

“Called it.  Noa must have been taken by the heat to get pregnant right away, so that’s why she jumped on him like that!  You get a rough heat and you’ll bonk anything with a pulse.”

It doesn’t really work like that with us monkeys.

I’ve been hanging out with Crunchy too much.

The five of them had just finished their lunch, when there was an assured knock at the door.

Homework assignment for everyone.  Get yourself a door and get yourself a friend.  Now, tell the friend to knock on the door ten times, with half of them being normal knocks and the other half being assured knocks.  Let me know the result.

Nene finally allowed Vahn into the house, and Gala went to fetch Nara.

The hell is Nene doing at Mei’s house!?  And why is Vahn here if Gala is supposed to be going to…

There was supposed to be a scene break between those paragraphs, wasn’t there?

*Rubs her neck* “I almost got whiplash from that one.”

The monk had made an unexpected visit, to everyone’s delight. “You have a healthy baby girl Vahn, you can go see them now.” Said the young girl.

“Gala said he was going to get Nara, and he did.  Why the hell was it unexpected!?  Does he have a history of flaking out when things need-  Okay, I can’t even finish that sentence because I realized he does have that history.”

Yup, worst friend ever.

The dark-haired man wondered at how time passes, for his little sister was blossoming into maidenhood, and had become the region’s healer’s apprentice, assisting many births in the surrounding villages.

You would think he’d be more concerned with his new baby than with his sister’s development right now.

Also, who, precisely, is populating these villages?  99% of the human population is dead.  Anyone left over comfortably fit into the small outposts where survival was possible.  At best, all that would be happening right now is people moving out of the cities to settle farmsteads.  There aren’t enough people to make new villages after only five years.  Heck, there aren’t even enough people to settle and cultivate the land directly around the few towns that actually exist.

Noa was prompted on pillows

“Wait, hold up, what?”

Look, you gave birth, were you in any shape to talk to people right after?

“Can’t say I was.  Mostly I remember being really tired.  I couldn’t even muster innuendos or profanity.”

So, Noa took the opportunity to write her lines on a few pillows before she went into labor, just in case there was a scene right after and she had to talk.

“Smart girl.”

Noa was prompted on pillows, the baby sleeping peacefully in her arms, for coming into the world is a tiring ordeal after all.

Look, dude, you aren’t writing a novel in the 1700s.  You can go ahead and stop using ‘for’ in that way.  It doesn’t add anything to your fic besides a dollop of pretentiousness.

“Come, Vahn

“There’s been quite enough of that!  There’s two children to prove it.”

Can you just let the sentence finish?

“Come, Vahn, someone here would like to meet you.” Said the little one’s mother.

Noa, her name is Noa.  You don’t need to obfuscate just for the sake of varying your sentences.

He reached, tenderly kissing her, and then gently touching his lips to his newborn daughter’s tiny brow. “I love you, you know, I’ll never tire of saying It.” He whispered.

Saying It?  You mean the name of the clown?

“Don’t mention the clown.  I’ll be sleeping with my plasma rifle under the pillow for the next month if I think about it too much.”

“And I’ll never tire of hearing you say it, my beloved.” She answered back, lightly touching his face with her free hand.

Wait, who is talking to who here, and who is kissing what on who?  And what the hell does It have to do with anything!?

“Great, the fic finally broke Taco.  Hold on, folks, I’ll get the Darkwraiths to bring in the jumper cables.”

No, no, I’m good.

Suddenly, they both burst out in laugher, as they heard the sound of small feet running into the house, and an exited little voice exclaim, “Yay! I have a little SIS-TER!”

Dammit all!  Magic is Believing finally has a few chapters that don’t end with everyone laughing, and instead I end up with one that does!

And with that, the first fic finally comes to an end.  It was brief, pointless, wangsty, and ended on a huge note of wish-fulfillment.  But, at least we got some smut in.  Next week we’ll continue on with the sequel, so stay tuned for that!

“So, did we ever come up with a good way to end these things instead of just kinda stopping?”

Not really.


49 Comments on “1345: Legaia If Life Allows – Chapter Four and Five”

  1. GhostCat says:

    “Hmm, seems like a good way to preserve our sanity. So, what are you thinking? Twenties?”

    Yeah, let’s go with that.

    *Popcorn showers down on Taco and Swenia*

    Syl is naturally upset that we’re going with the cleaner version.

    Be grateful that’s all she’s throwing at you.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Banana slugs are quick to scavenge a downed animal. It’s best to never sleep too soundly in the forest, or else they’ll swarm you. A pack of banana slugs can strip a corpse of all soft tissue in minutes!

    At least it wasn’t leeches.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s often been said that banana slugs are the leeches of the canopy.

      Don’t tell Ishi.

      • *Cain is standing in the Hangar of a Prime Colonial frigate in a hazard suit, surrounded by several Marines with Cryo Cannons, also wearing hazard suits*

        Cain: Why are banana slugs ingesting my government’s first fleet? We just founded the Prime Colonials and we’re already under the attack of banana slugs. BANANA SLUGS.

      • TacoMagic says:

        *Looks over at the external display screen and sees the Banana Slug Armada emerge from slimespace*

        *Reaches up and turns off the screen*

        *Walks out whistling*

      • Cain: *Sees the slug fleet appearing* Alright, fuck this. *Opens fleetwide comms* All ships, jump to floor 221 of the Library. I hate being reminded of the moon of Ganymede, but that place can store the entire fleet.

  3. Syl says:

    “Jeez, girl, it’s just an orgasm. Haven’t you been masturbating at all? Sure, the sex-based orgasm is a lot better of an experience, but it doesn’t cause a reality-altering epiphany in comparison. It’s like the difference between hand-crafted German Chocolate and a cheap candy bar. The German stuff is oh-so-good, but sometimes all you need to get you through the day is a Snickers.”

    From where I’m sitting it looks like Vahn gave the poor girl a Fun Size bar.

  4. Addicted Reader says:

    Taco, no teaching fic authors about semicolons until you can score at least 80% on the exam!

    That goes for the rest of you too.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    I don’t think that anything is broken

    Just my sanity, but thanks anyway.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Shit! He’s a robot! Quick, girl, push him off the cliff.”

    *points accusingly at Swenia*

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    If every couple who had an awkward first kiss broke up and hated each other forever in the aftermath, humanity would have died out a few millennia ago.

    This ‘fic makes it look like a pretty attractive option.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    she had longed for so long for this moment.

    *Alarm blares uncertainly, and a single befuddled DRD agent wanders into the riffing chamber.*

    • TacoMagic says:

      Look, man, we don’t know either. I think the pie buffet is still serving lunch; why don’t you grab a few slices and fake the paperwork on this one?

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    That’s what she-

    “I will bite you in the face.”

    That’s also what she…


  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    she took the initiative, and then they were united in one flesh, one mind, one soul,

    Egad! They’re forming a proto-Gravemind!

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Vahn kissed her neck, buried his face in her hair, reveling in the taste of her skin, inebriated by her scent.

    She’s sweating alcohol?

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Candela is a measure of luminescence, isn’t it?”

    … Have you been sneaking some physics behind my back?

    “Sneaking a physicist, more like.”

    Don’t want to know.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    The boy was brown-eyed and haired,

    Good, I was worried he’d be completely bald.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nara looked at the ceiling, in a gesture of hopelessness, “Boys can’t have babies, silly! It’s a girl thing!”

    Well, at least her parents told her about how that works.

    Somebody still needs to explain that to the Harry Potter fandom…

  15. "Lyle" says:

    “I really hate that guy who stands too close when he talks to you.”

    I have a coworker like that. She’ll run up to you, screeching. “Lyle! Lyle! C’MERE! I GOTTA TALK TO YOU!” Then stand about two inches away from you and stare at you expectantly like it was your idea to chat. It’s creepy as fuck. I know she means no harm but she seriously has no concept of personal space.

  16. Lina says:

    “Just kiss the girl! No need to rub your face all over her first!”

    Says the cat.

  17. "Lyle" says:

    What would he want with an unkempt, plain girl, with boyish manners, anyway?

    Did… did the author just manage to insult both males and females with that comment? Normal it’s overt sexism toward females but this one is also dissing men for apparently having unattractive manners.

  18. "Lyle" says:

    “And by that I mean he’s going to have a large erection.”

    Yes, we all understood your innuendo.

  19. "Lyle" says:

    Thoram, five springs into the world, stepped in, gently carrying his three-year-old sister, Candela, in his arms.

    The author has never dealt with small children. This is actually a pet peeve of mine: authors who obviously have never been around children are writing children that behave either more intelligently than their age depicts, or act younger than their age depicts. Case in point: a five-year-old carrying a three-year-old.

    1.) Average weight of a three-year-old girl: 31.5 pounds
    2.) Average size of a five-year-old boy: 40.5 pounds
    3.) Your average five-year-old child, regardless of gender, CANNOT LIFT AND CARRY 3/4 OF THEIR BODY WEIGHT. And this isn’t just statistic. When my daughter was 3, her next eldest brother was 6 and, guess what? Lifting and carrying was out of the question. While he could lift her, it was only for a moment and then he’d have to drop her. And my middle child is a stocky kid.
    4.) Average HEIGHT of a 3-year-old girl is 37-inches. That’s just over THREE FUCKING FEET. A 5-year-old boy? 3.5 feet. Therefore, Thoram is probably only half a foot taller than his sister. Unless she’s riding piggy back or he’s carrying her bride-style, he won’t be carrying someone only 6 inches smaller than him.
    5.) SHE’S 3-YEARS-OLD! Contrary to what this author apparently thinks, 3-year-olds can walk. Now, if Candela were 3-months-old, that would be different. But a 5-year-old carrying a 3-year-old is one of the STUPIDEST things I’ve ever read. Ever.

    • TacoMagic says:

      The sequel is not going to go well for you. I’m just going to text Lina the Library’s purchase card number and tell her to run a tea pipe into the lobby.

  20. "Lyle" says:

    She seems a little too articulate and developed for being four, but I’ll leave it for now.

    *nods, foaming at the mouth*

    My 4-year-old is just starting to string coherent sentences together, and I still have to ask her brothers for translations at times. This author is a fucking moron.

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