1344: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapters 10 & 11Posted: March 1, 2016
Ert: A two-parter?
Nora: Oh right, I keep forgetting that this was to be emulating a children’s TV show. I was getting distracted by how awful all of it was.
Shepard: My Little Pony only reserved its two-parters for its season premiers and finales. So is this a “finale” of some kind?
Ert: No idea. Let’s read and find out
Realization: Part 1
Ert: Realization. SHIT! THIS STORY HAS NO POINT!
Nora: Or maybe THESE CHARACTERS HAVE NO PERSONALITY!
But I am not a brony, a closet brony, and don’t want to be either. Bronies are for FIM… not my MIB.
Ert: MiB? Shit. How does he know about that?
Nora: Hell if I know, but don’t worry, I contacted someone, they’re on it.
Shepard: Closet brony? What’s the difference between a crony and a closet brony? Isn’t that basically saying “I’m not this because I’m not open about it?”
I have my reasons for not wanting to watch FIM, and make this fic, but I can’t explain it here.
Nora: Because none of them are good reasons.
Today was a very special, very important day for Rainbow City.
Ert: Because specials like these can never happen on mundane days can they? There always have to be on a day where something important is happening. Even good shows do this.
The Grand Ruler was coming to visit after making his annual inspection on the entire kingdom to see things were running right, and that damages caused by battles were repaired, and to see if all the unicorns were fine and well.
Nora: One day out of the year. The other 364 he just assumes that everyone is doing what they’re supposed to do.
Shepard: And he’s doing it all by himself? There’s a reason we have organizations like OSHA, because countries tend to be rather large. If the Grand Ruler is doing all of this in one day then he’s keeping his investigations very shallow or this country has an abysmally low population.
He also made sure to always visit Rainbow City and stay for at least one night the local resort, the Rainbow Ride Hotel.
Ert: Why does the hotel sound like a roller coaster?
Nora: Because it matches Mykan’s emotional age.
The entire city was bustling about to prepare for his majesty’s arrival. Lightning was head coordinator and assigned everyone their tasks.
Shepard: He’s been spending most of his time here as town helper, and all of the fights that he’s been a part of are solid proof that he has very poor leadership skills. Why is he the coordinator?
Ert: Because protagonist and ripping off Winter Wrap-up.
(Gary Stu Counter: 19)
Cookie Dough was busy preparing the biggest feast the unicorns would eat for dinner, but still found time to prepare small lunches for everyone during their break.
Nora: It’s not like getting a staff to prepare a feast would help at all. I can imagine him, a single man, preparing food for several thousand people while also doing side work. Makes total sense.
“This is going to be the greatest feast I’ve ever made.” He kept saying to himself.
Nora: Just clarifying what the narration told us five seconds ago.
Artie, Buddy Rose, and Rhymey were in charge helping to decorate the town.
Ert: Are they in charge or are they helping? Those are two very different things. Helping means you’re providing assistance to someone else. If you’re in charge you’re the one that GETS help, not gives it.
Streamers and balloons… Buddy Rose even aligned them with some of his finest white and red roses. “Beautiful…” he remarked.
Shepard: There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your work, but praise of a work comes off as more meaningful when a person who didn’t create it praises it. Because while someone who poured their heart and soul into a work can praise it, someone who also worked on it at the last second and didn’t try at all can boast how wonderful it is. This story is a wonderful example of that.
“It may be beautiful, that is true,
But we all still have much to do.” said Rhymey.
Shepard: It also helps if the person giving praise isn’t Rhymey.
“He’s right…” said Artie “Let’s get moving.”
Nora: Let’s go do something that isn’t going to be described because our two seconds of screen time are over.
Lightning assigned Krysta and Starla with the best task, entertainment for the big part that night, and the girls wasted no time in hiring Abra Kadabra to be one of the main performers. “This will be my greatest performance.” Abra said with pride.
Ert: Wait, Lightning put Starla and Krysta in charge of entertainment and they went off and hired someone else to do it for them? Wow. I had no idea that they were responsibility-ducking assholes.
Shepard: Considering that Abra was rendered destitute by missing a handful of paychecks, I imagine he never went above performing at birthday parties, so this most likely will be his greatest performance. Assuming he’s talking about scope.
Ert: If he’s talking about quality, Shep’s point still stands.
The girls were also tasked with helping to decorate the hotel lobby for the party. Lightning really loved how everything was going. “As Brain would probably say…” then he imitated Brain’s voice. “Satisfactory…! Most Satisfactory…!”
Nora: They’re making fun of how predictable Brain’s dialogue is. And you know what? This does nothing to make Brain any less of a one-note British stereotype. If anything it cements it.
“This is going to be such an amazing party.” Krysta giggled with excitement
Shepard: I can hear the irony countdown ticking all the way from over here for when a monster inevitably attacks.
Ert: It’s only ironic for the idiotic main characters. To us it couldn’t be anymore obvious.
Shepard: Yes but Mykan still erected an irony counter because he thinks we won’t notice.
Starla fluttered over to the large record-player, “And what’s a party without a little music.” She started a record and played a disco theme song. Everyone got into the groove and worked to the music, even Lightning.
Shepard: How does that work? Is everyone lifting boxes in perfect harmony or something?
Dyno and Myte were tasked with another one of the best jobs- the fireworks display.
Ert: Oh right, those two are people who exist.
Nora: Hoorah for stereotypes.
“Esso Es…!” cried Dyno “This is going to be so wonderful, Si.” added Myte. Being explosive experts, they knew how to make the most awesome fireworks that would ever be seen. They even ran a few demonstrations with just their smallest works. Everyone cheered for joy, and couldn’t wait for the big show.
Ert: A firework display done by a couple of pyromaniacs. Stand by to evac the town.
Shepard: Standing by.
There was, however, only one individual who was not very keen on all this, and that was Inquerius when she came to the hotel to see how things were coming herself. “What is all this…?” she shouted, but no one seemed to hear her over the loud music and the preparations until she stopped the record-player, causing everyone to eye her. “Did you not hear me? What is all of this…? Are you not aware that The Grand Ruler is coming?”
Ert: Are you not aware? What do you think this is? Why do you think that we cannot hear you? Frankly that’s what I would do with this woman. Intentionally be a pain in the ass and keep spouting questions at her and refuse to cooperate.
Everyone looked confused, and Lightning approached her. “Of course we know. That’s why we’re preparing this celebration party in honor of his visit.”
Nora: So what, is this the first time that this has happened? Or have things radically changed since last year? Did Inquerius only recently arrive?
Inquerius had the look of a strict school teacher at that remark. “Surely you don’t expect that all this is what his majesty will enjoy?” she asked “Have you put no thought into your planning?”
Nora: Five bucks says that the plot is that she’s a stick in the mud who hates fun.
Ert: My bet is that she needs everything prim and proper.
Nora: You’re on.
Lightning was more confused than ever as he gazed back at all the things he and his friends had done. “What’s wrong with it?”
Through her complicated way of speaking in questions,
Ert: It isn’t complicated. It’s asinine, obtuse, pretentious, pointless and counter-productive, but it isn’t complicated.
Inquerius explained that the Grand Ruler was a very proud and respected creature, the legendary Tri-Horned Alicorn, the ruler of all of Unicornicopia, the one who saved everyone from Titan centuries ago, and Lightning’s teacher. A well respected and royal creature such as him would never approve of such frivolous trivialities!
Shepard: And it turns out to kind of be a bit of both. She hates fun and she thinks everything should be prim and proper.
Ert: Next time.
Through her questions, she implied that there should not be any loud dancing music, the place should have been decorated with fancy things like chandeliers and statues, and they should amuse themselves with serious conversation instead of childish games and entertainment.
Ert: Seriously, this is supposed to be an annual thing. Why can’t they just do what they did last time? If they had a fun time before, why not do it again? If they had everything more formal a year ago, why are they radically changing things up for no reason?
Nora: Fabricated conflict is fabricated.
Abra felt hurt to be called childish,
Shepard: Only him though.
but Lightning completely disagreed with Inquerius, so did everyone else, but seeing as she was very insistent, were prepared for such an emergency and managed to quickly redo everything
Ert: They redid everything just because one person disagreed with it? Man, this is a town of people with no backbone at all.
so it was as posh and classic as Inquerius, everyone one else was also groomed and forced to wear fancy dress outfits instead of their armor and regular uniforms. Krysta was even told to do her long hair up high in a bun. “I feel ridiculous!” she grumbled.
“But do you look appropriate for the festivities?” asked Inquerius. Krysta didn’t bother to answer.
Ert: I DON’T KNOW! No one can seem to decide what standard this event is supposed to be held to!
Nora: Also Inquerius is supposed to be posh and classic. This is a characteristic that I’m pretty sure was made up as Mykan wrote this chapter. Mainly because before her only personality was that she had the most ass backwards method of speaking that was ripping off Power Rangers Turbo, one of the most hated Power Ranger seasons. And working in the library as the world’s worst librarian.
Titan and his minions had been observing all this, and when they learned that The Grand Ruler was going to appear, “The time has come…” hissed Titan “After all these ages, do I finally get a chance to take my revenge on the one who imprisoned me.”
Ert: … Wat? He’s going to take his chance to get revenge on the Grand Ruler when he’s going to an event that includes the people that have been beating his ass the entire story? Well not really beating his ass, but he ran away from them every time. And he feels confident to take them and the Grand Ruler (who singlehandedly beat him the first time) simultaneously? I feel like Titan is trying to lose on purpose.
The minions had never seen their master so excited before. “Tell us, Lord Titan…” asked Mysterious “What are we going to do and when…?”
Titan sniggered “Patience, Mysterious…in due time all will be made clear.”
Nora: Translation. “I don’t want the readers to know yet, I want it to be a surprise.”
Shepard: Despite the fact it would’ve been even more of a surprise if we didn’t know that anything was going to happen in the first place.
Dementia couldn’t decide how to pretty up. “If I’m going to a party, I may as well look like I’m ready.” she teased. Rep-Stallion merely sharpened his staff, “And think of all those yummy goodies we can eat!” He was so excited at the very thought of all the food he almost drooled.
Ert: Oh, so Rep-Stallion is a glutton? First time I’ve seen this. Never seen him eat once before. Also he “merely” sharpened his staff but he was almost drooling at the same time. “Merely” is used for comparison when pointing out something that is lesser. So a reaction that’s similar doesn’t really work.
Shepard: Mykan is trying to use fancy-sounding words again.
As for Mysterious he couldn’t wait to begin. He was so confident of their ultimate victory, he was looking forward to the party they would have to celebrate it.
Nora: Dementia is prettying up, Rep wants to eat and Mysterious…fuck it I’m bored, he wants to win.
As for Titan, he just relaxed and continued to watch. “Enjoy your little party, my foes.” He hissed “Because I guarantee that it shall be the last one… THAT YOU EVER HAVE!” the rest was drowned out in the echoes of his evil laugh.
Ert: Sir, are you talking to yourself again?
Nora: SHUT UP! I IZ EVIL!
Before long, the red carpet was rolled out,
Ert: The? When was the presence of a red carpet ever established? This isn’t the bloody Oscars.
Nora: Speaking of which, Fury Road is going to need a bag for all of its Oscars.
and everyone was gathered outside to await the arrival. Soon the sky was glistening with a mystical light as a golden path seemed to reach down from above. The royal guards came soaring along the path way and landing on the edging like a fence path
Nora: What path? There isn’t a path. The narration said that the path only “seemed” to reach down from above. So the royal guard is now in a freefall…let’s get this out of the way.
(Seemingly Counter: 1)
Then, from far down the path, something like a shooting star came soaring down the way, and… BLING! There he was…
Ert: What was the point of the golden path that didn’t actually exist if he was just going to do that?
Shepard: Presentation I guess.
Everyone stared in awe. Those great gold Pegasus wings flapping gently as he descended,
Nora: Very rapidly because gold is quite heavy.
his royal red cape fluttering in the breeze, his very short, dark mane, and his long dark tail, sparkling like stars, and his horns… his three golden horns shimmering in the light.
Ert: I thought it was nighttime out, what light source are his golden ball and testicles shining in?
Some of the girl unicorns were practically falling in love,
Shepard: I just remembered that Mykan considered the Grand Ruler to be his self insert. Enjoy fictional women fawning over you, Mykan. Barring a massive attitude adjustment, it’s as much attraction as you’re ever going to get.
nevertheless, everyone bowed graciously. He bowed back in greeting. “Greetings my subjects.” he said “I cannot begin to describe how honored I am to be back in Rainbow City.”
Nora: Literally! Because I couldn’t be less honored!
Then he saw a familiar face, “Ahh… Lightning…”
His apprentice stepped forward and bowed again, “Your majesty! I’m so glad you’re here too. We all are!”
Shepard: I just realized this is the first time they’ve ever actually spoken on screen. Pretty lousy teacher-student relationship.
“Ahem…!” muttered Inquerius, as she tapped her hove and gave Lightning a look telling him to act right.
Ert: Yes Inquerius, Lighting really needs you to micromanage him right in front of the Grand Ruler himself. Is the GR bothered? It doesn’t seem it, he was addressing Lightning directly. I know you’re a straw man for whatever half-assed lesson is cooking up but could you please try and pretend you live in something resembling reality for half a second?
As annoyed as Lightning was, he straightened out and asked his master, in a gentlemanly way. “Shall I take your belongings to your on the top floor?”
Nora: Oh he said “Shall.” So utterly proper.
“Oh, that won’t be necessary.” said Grand Ruler. He then turned to face the guards holding his only two suitcases. He closed his eyes, and his three golden horns began to glow as the suitcases began to float up, up, up, and into the air all the way up the hotel to the terrace of the top floor where his room was.
Shepard: You know, we’re pretty sure that after the first two ups he suddenly wasn’t going to suddenly shift to the right.
Everyone applauded in astonishment, and Grand Ruler took a bow. “Thank you!” he said, and then after ordering his guards to stand watch, “Now then, shall we go inside?”
Ert: Is levitation really something worth applauding? Because I imagine that it would be rather simple. I guess Mykan needs to have everyone suck off his self insert. Lets just hope that statement stays figurative, I don’t need another Trapped.
The unicorns lead him into the lobby. Inquerius Lightning and Krysta were still outside. “Are you happy now, Inquerius?” Lightning asked annoyingly.
Inquerius simply smiled, “Is it not apparent that I am?
Ert: You’re challenging Rhymey for the most annoying character in the story.
Perhaps his majesty is already complimenting on such a wonderful and righteous display we have set for him?”
Suddenly, the booming sound of that disco music was heard.
Nora: *Snort* Disco. I’m sorry, Mykan, at what point did you ever establish the Grand Ruler as having a 70s vibe to him? Or is this Mykan’s attempt to be “hip” and “with it”?
Shepard: That would be … something else.
Ert: People like to talk about thirty- to fifty-year-olds who try to be cool by acting like they’re teenagers. I’ve never had to contend with someone who was in their teens trying be act cool by acting like they lived through a couple of decades of the Cold War.
Shepard: Is this one of those reverse aging syndromes?
“Gee… that doesn’t sound like it to me.” said Krysta. Inquerius looked very angry, “I thought I had said… no loud music?” As they all stomped in, Inquerius was about to apologize to the Grand Ruler, only to see to her shock, but Lightning and Krysta’s amusement…
Ert: Oh gee, will it be *Le gasp* that the Grand Ruler isn’t as uptight as she thought and that she was wrong for trying to make everyone be as uptight as she was?
He was actually dancing to the music with several of the others, and seemingly enjoying it. “Well, what do you know.” chuckled Lightning. “I think he’s really enjoying himself.” added Krysta.
Nora: You get no prize for guessing the extremely obvious.
Inquerius felt so confused, “Am I seeing…? What is…?” then in a blinding rage she stopped the music again shouting “WILL YOU ALL STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE?”
Shepard: This is crossing the line from being obtuse to being blind to reality. The point of all of this was to please the Grand Ruler. When someone is doing something and clearly enjoying themselves, stopping the event and screaming at them is a poor way to show respect.
Ert: Remind me to edit the formula to say that characters may be used as cardboard cutout stereotypes to make an argument that borders on being a logical fallacy half of the time and is one the other half.
Everyone, even Grand Ruler seemed annoyed. “Really, Inquerius…” he said as he walked over to her “Is this any way to behave when there is a guest?” he restarted the music. “Join the party. Have some fun.”
Nora: The supreme god(?) agrees with Shepard. Even most uptight people know when it is and isn’t a good time to voice their displeasure at things they find annoying. But this lady is a combination of two different stereotypes, and like a robot with poor pathfinding that keeps walking into a wall, cannot deviate from her basic programing to save her life.
“But… But I…?”
Lightning and Krysta smiled. Lightning removed his bow tie, and Krysta let her hair loose. “You heard him, Inquerius. Let’s go.” Lightning said as he and Krysta joined in the dancing, much to Inquerius disbelief.
Ert: Yes, Inquerius was wrong to have everyone mindlessly do what she wanted. She should have mindlessly done everything THEY wanted, you see.
Nora: Because protagonist way is right way.
More dancing happened then it was time for Abra’s magic show. He was really magnificent,
Shepard: We’re not told why he is magnificent, just that he is.
and when he asked for a volunteer to help him with one of his tricks, the Grand Ruler offered to be just that.
Abra put the Grand Ruler in a box, and supposedly slashed him with swords,
Shepard: Well look at that. He used “supposedly” in a way that’s technically correct. It feels out of place and another approach like “appeared to” would’ve flowed better, but it does fit the definition. First time for everything, it seems.
only to find the box was empty, and when Abra resealed the box and opened it again, Grand Ruler was just fine, and he didn’t even use his own magic to escape the box himself.
Ert: Well it’d be a pretty shit magic act if he had.
Inquerius felt disgusted and apologized to the Grand Ruler “Will you forgive us for the appalling act that Abra just forced you to do?”
Nora: For the act that he volunteered for. Because the only personality that I have is that I hate everything that the “Right” people do in this chapter.
Abra felt annoyed. “I… did not force his majesty to do anything.”
The Grand Ruler confirmed it, “I wanted to do that, and it was fun.”
Inquerius was speechless!
Shepard: This is denial of the highest form.
As the day turned to night and the arty went on, the Grand Ruler proved to be fun, and exciting.
Especially when it came to games he enjoyed playing with the others, and what surprised everyone else, especially Inquerius, was The Grand Ruler’s favorite gave was hopscotch.
Ert: *Smashes face into desk* Ok I’m starting to side with Inquerius here. Not because of fun being evil, but because everyone is acting like little children. Between this and the way all of the characters were losing their minds over some slightly bad dreams, I’m starting to get legitimately concerned that all of the characters in this story have the bodies of adults and minds of children.
Several hopscotch mats were laid out on the floor and everyone had loads of fun playing. Some hopped on all-fours; others jumped only using their hind legs while standing upright and tall.
Nora: This is important for us to know why? I mean you never mention how people are walking in any other scenes, what makes the hopscotch one so important?
After Starla went she asked if Grand Ruler wanted a turn. His majesty smirked,
Ert: Uh oh. INCOMING ORBITAL GONG STRIKE!
“Not only would I… but I’ll show you all something special for being so wonderful for me tonight.”
Everyone’s attention turned to the center of the lobby as the Grand Ruler took his position, and tossed his cape off and to the side. He stood up right on his hind legs and stretched a little. Then the music to Pop-goes-the-weasel began to play
Ert: I hate you and I want you to die. Are there any stories where Celestia decapitates the Grand Ruler with her horn? I know I’m a psychopath for asking that but I’m beyond the realm of caring.
as he softly leapt across the spaces all the way to the end of the board, and then slowly hopped back again.
Everyone couldn’t understand what was so special, until Grand Ruler used a little of his own magic to activate all the disco lights, make the same song play in a remixed disco-like style. He winked to everyone and then began hopping across the board in a dancing style.
Shepard: And what is this dancing style? Does he make an Elvis pose every time he lands on a square? Does he hop in beat to the music? No. Mykan is doing what he always doing. Saying “Person did thing and everyone loved him and kissed him and Jenny from school totally loves me and just doesn’t realize it.”
He leapt, twirled, and even flipped out to the music
Ert: So the Grand Ruler lost his shit at a public party. The tabloids are going to have a field day.
as he hopped across the board and back several times, and when he finished, the entire lobby echoed with applause. Who knew he was such a fine dancer? This made everyone else want to try it.
Nora: Most. Easily. Entertained. Crowd. Ever. And now for the second act! *Jingles keys*
Titan’s minions stayed hidden in the shadows so not to be caught by the guards or by the searchlights. From the smell of things, dinner had been served. “Can’t we go now?” groaned Rep-Stallion. “I just have to get at that food.”
Shepard: Apparently he was always supposed to be obsessed with food. I guess Mykan would say that we didn’t notice because we just couldn’t appreciate the genius of his writing or some other drivel.
“Stay here…!” snapped Dementia.
“Our orders were to wait for Lord Titan’s signal.” added Mysterious. “We wait until the fireworks go off, and then… the real party begins.”
Ert: Don’t you just love how they avoid talking about it in any detail and pause dramatically? It’s like they know they’re in a story. A crappy one too.
Cookie Dough’s feast was spectacular. The food was so wonderful; nobody could stop eating, even if they already consumed their fill.
Nora: Oh goodie, they’re gorging themselves and they might possibly throw up. Bravo, Cookie Dough … You know I honestly didn’t mean to do that. For some reason I keep rhyming in this story. And considering my close proximity to Rhymey, I’m starting to get worried.
“Ahh…! A most excellent feast…” Grand Ruler sighed heavenly “My most humble compliments to you, Cookie Dough.”
Cookie Dough felt shy. “Your majesty is too kind.”
Ert: Yeesh man, he didn’t give you that much praise. “Most excellent” isn’t a very mind blowing praise, especially when it’s followed up by “humble compliments.”
Grand Ruler meant what he said, he was proud of everyone for their own special talents, especially Lightning for helping to keep their world a safer place from Titan and his henchmen.
Shepard: A job that he’s only getting away with because Titan gets impatient the second he encounters any resistance and goes home to throw a tantrum.
Inquerius still was confused and decided to ask. “These things all so common, and typical, yet you enjoy them?”
Nora: No I hate all of them. I was just pretending to so I could fuck with you.
Grand Ruler nodded, “Why shouldn’t I?”
This was a question everyone wondered. The Grand Ruler was happy to explain that even though he was royalty, he too enjoyed the pleasure of having good old fashioned fun.
Ert: Considering he seems to be a fan of disco, he must mean old fashioned fun from decades ago. Presumably he also plays stick ball, ducks under his desk in class and … I dunno, other ’70s cliches.
As the Grand Ruler, he was always extremely busy always carrying on with his duties,
maintaining the balance of nature, and watching over the kingdom.
Nora: Again HA!
He hardly ever got to have too much time to relax.
Nora: Oh God this story is going to kill me.
“Besides… in many ways I am just like all of you here, and you are just like me.”
Ert: Lazy, one-dimensional, pointless and not doing anything of significance? No argument here.
Many of the others didn’t understand how they, small and practically in-training unicorns
Shepard: I’m not quite certain what that is supposed to mean. Practically in-training? Or is this supposed to be saying that they’re poorly trained because the Grand Ruler doesn’t let them use their magic, for some reason?
Nora: Guess he wanted to make things fair for Titan.
were just like their powerful and wise ruler. “I’ll show you…” he chuckled.
That’s when a song began, and he leapt out from his seat to the center of the floor, but a lot of the others added their own sayings to the song.
(Simpsons: “I’m checkin’ in” style but with my own stuff too)
Ert: Uh, I just want to point out the song you’re ripping off is about a man checking into rehab. Bit of a poor choice there, it kind of tells us how messed up in the head all of your characters are.. Basically the song is the main cast talking about how great they all are, so I doubt that anyone will blame me for skipping it. What’s more, in the song Rhymey finishes a Rhyme with someone else, which is cheating.
(Rhymey Can’t Rhyme Counter: 4)
As the song and dance continued, Dyno and Myte added some excitement by starting their fireworks show. The pretty colors and lights of the flares really made that party the best anyone had ever been too…
Nora: Which makes me wonder how low the bar is when it comes to the party these people go to.
The fireworks also alerted Titan’s minions. “There’s signal.” hissed Mysterious, “Let’s go…!”
Everyone inside was too distracted by the song to really notice…
Shepard: I seem to recall the Grand Ruler placing guard towers all over the kingdom when Titan first game back. In hindsight they’ve only worked half of the time, if even that.
Right at the end of the song, all the lights went out!
Everyone else panicked, and struggled to get the torches lit again.
Shepard: Wait, torches? I could understand all of the lights going out at once if they were electrical, but they’re not. They’re fire. So what made them all go out at once?
Nora: This is without getting into how stupid it is to have torches at the same party that has disco music. Or was this part of the mandatory “No fun allowed” changes?
That’s when Titan’s minions shattered the glass window-walls
Ert: Window WALLS!? In the kingdom that’s been under constant attack? I swear, the Grand Ruler is doing all of this on purpose. Yeah I’m going with that. The Grand Ruler got bored with his mundane life so he let Titan lose from his prison in another dimension and orders Lightning to fight him because it amuses him and livens up his day. Let’s see if I can find more evidence to support this hypothesis.
and burst in to crash the party. They tipped over the tables, wrecked the displays, and even used the torches to set things on fire.
Shepard: The torches that were out? Also are they there to just cause property damage or do they want to accomplish some kind of objective? If it’s the former they’re on the right track, but if it’s the latter they’re wasting their time.
The worst part was a terrible storm breaking out and lightning was striking all across skies and strong winds picked up.
Ert: Suddenly and out of nowhere. I thought the Grand Ruler controlled the weather in this country. Did he say to himself “yes my annual celebration could use a lightning storm” or something? Then again, considering my hypothesis…
Then all went silent as he appeared in the center of the lobby and his minions joined him by his side.
“Titan…!” growled Lightning
Nora: Oh very good, Lightning,
Titan laughed deeply. “Let the party commence.”
To Be Continued…
Shepard: I feel like Mykan was trying to create a cliffhanger that felt like this.
Ert: Yeah but instead it came across as “WILL BATMAN GET OUT OF THIS ONE!?”
When the Grand Ruler does his hopscotch dance, go on YouTube and see “Today’s Special-Games”
Nora: We have better things to do than figure out why you decided to make the god-like figure and ruler of an entire country do a hopscotch dance thing.
Realization: Part 2
Ert: Still waiting on them actually realizing something.
Nora; Feel like we’re gonna be waiting a long time.
Ert: So this is part two of Realization but it’s also part two of episode eleven? No wait, Mykan is just that stupid … Why is Goeth walking around with DRD agent corpses?
A brief silence went by and Titan finally sniggered. “So, Grand Ruler… we meet again after all this time.”
Shepard: It really has been awhile. Ten chapters, give or take, and neither of them has tried to initiate contact with the other.
The Grand Ruler narrowed his eyes in dismay. “Just what is it you want here, Titan?”
Ert: … Take a fucking guess! This guy’s motives aren’t exactly a mystery. You can’t get him to stop monologuing about them!
Titan sniggered again, “You didn’t honestly think I had forgotten what you did to me all those centuries ago? The way you crushed my dreams and everything I hoped to obtain…”
Nora: My dreams of extreme vagueness that have something to do with me being bullied or something. I dunno, I forgot.
Shepard: I don’t think he’s the only one.
The other unicorns felt confused, mainly because a lot of them… even Lightning and Krysta didn’t really know the full story about Titan.
Ert: That’s right, the Grand Ruler kept everyone in the dark about Titan. What I didn’t know is that he was STILL keeping people in the dark about Titan. Almost like he didn’t want them fighting back effectively. I’m not seeing much to disprove my theory.
“I will show you…” Titan said as he clapped his hands together, creating a wave of shadows…
Suddenly, everyone was seeing images in the past life of strange dimension that nobody recognized.
Nora: Shadows are the key to showing your memories to each other, who knew?
Shepard: Probably just a case of Mykan making all of Titan’s magic shadow-related because dark = evil.
A dimension where many forms of dark magic were conjured or practiced by so many different beings- One would say this was very nerve center of where all the evil in the dimensional universe had its beginnings. “What is this place?” asked Lightning.
Ert: Oh great, one of those stories that makes evil a culture. Lets be honest for a second, how many people actually call themselves evil and don’t mean it ironically? Very few people. Because the way intelligent beings work is that we tend to see ourselves justified in doing what we do. Even someone who commits wrongs at the expense of others for no real reason other than simply wanting to isn’t likely to call themselves evil. So all the evil in the multiverse coming from one place makes me roll my eyes so hard they nearly pop out of my head.
Nora: And for the record the dimensions in this story are getting out of control. This dimension, the dimension the Grand Ruler lives in, the dimension Titan was imprisoned in (Is that the same as this one?), Lightning’s home dimension, Krysta’s home dimension, the dimension those two met in, did I miss any? Oh and like everything in this story, they’re all horribly underdeveloped. We never seen see anyone besides Titan go into another dimension. It’s basically a lazy method of vomiting up explanations for how everything works in this crap we call a story.
Everyone looked all over, but soon the images began to show the story of a small boy.
Shepard: Time for Titan’s backstory huh? Don’t worry, we’re prepared for this.
This boy was small and rather clumsy as well. He couldn’t seem to do anything right, not even perform the simplest spells that even an infant could probably master.
Ert: I doubt that. Most infants are too busy pooping, sleeping and eating to do much of anything. But whatever, don’t let logic get in the way of how TWAGEK you are Titan.
Many of the people and creatures of the other dimensions would always laugh at and ridicule the boy. Even his own parents highly disapprove of his bumbling and threatened to disown their own son for being such a disgrace to the Dimension of Evil.
Ert: See my earlier rant about evil being a culture. Except now all ambiguity has been removed from the situation.
The small boy tried with all his might, but in the end, he was only able to master a absorption spell, which soon proved not to be so bad after all, because after being continuously being ridiculed and treated harshly by his people, the young boy decided to use the one magic he mastered to turn the tables on the inheritance of the entire dimension.
Nora: And for some reason in this dimension dedicated to people being giant ass hats, no one else ever used this spell. Despite the fact that it would be the perfect tool for making yourself stronger and defeating your enemies in one fell swoop. It’s apparently not a difficult spell, since “FEEL SORRY FOR ME I SO SMOLL” Titan could master it.
“Why work for something when you can take it…?” The boy treacherously plotted.
Ert: Oh he plotted those words? How exactly did he go about doing that?
When the other creatures least expected it, the boy crept up from behind and used his absorption spell to drain his rival of all their magic and power they possessed and transferred it to himself, then using those powers to murder his rival to ensure secrecy of his plot.
Nora: Wait he had a rival? It was singular so I can only assume.
Slowly, but surely more victims fell prey into the boy’s trap, losing their powers to him and their lives. The boy grew stronger, and stronger, and the more power he gained, the more he grew in body and size, eventually becoming an evil sorcerer, known as Titan!
Shepard: If he wasn’t evil or a sorcerer before then what was he? A Chaotic Neutral Druid?
Ert: *Scribbles* Stealing that.
Everyone was just plain shocked. “That… that boy was Titan?” cried Buddy Rose.
“This is like some crazy book.
Shepard: Replace crazy with nonsensical and you’re not far off.
I’m so scared, I can hardly look!” cried Rhymey.
Ert: Titan, please kill him. You will be doing the universe a favor.
The story continued with Titan continuously gaining power from his victim. “Now I am the one with all the power and magic! FEEL MY WRATH…!”
Nora: Did the entire dimension line up in front of his house and take turns throwing homophobic slurs at him? Because his Freudian excuse was already stretched to the breaking point within the context of his backstory alone, and now it’s coming apart at the seams. Oh sorry, I mean “I SO SOWY FOR TITI!”
He made good on his saying by continuously ravaging until his entire home dimension had been reduced to a dark and desolate realm of ruin and misery.
Ert: Isn’t that what it was before? I mean when you call something the Dimension of Evil I don’t see it as being a structurally sound and happy place.
Since then, that world had become the Dimension of Darkness.
Shepard: Honestly Dimension of Darkness sounds like a step up from Dimension of Evil. In the Dimension of Evil I’d be worried about everything trying to kill me. In the Dimension of Darkness I’d just be lost.
Nora: So I guess they are the same dimension. Sure took your sweet time telling me that story.
As for Titan… although overjoyed with his victory, this was not enough for him. He now desired more power, more energy.
Ert: And his flimsy excuse for a motivation already gave out and his backstory isn’t even done yet.
Nora: I want revenge on the people that bullied me! NEVERMIND! I just want power now!
His wished for people to know his name and fear his power and wrath… to be forever known as the single, most powerful and magical being in the entire dimensional universe!
Shepard: Because Mykan needed someone to be a villain and that wouldn’t have worked.
Ert: Also most powerful being in the … oh lord, “Dimensional universe” is his end goal? Yeah good luck with that, buddy. You can’t even decisively beat Lightning … Oh I get it. Titan is supposed to be a foil for Lightning. Character with no powers in a world of people with powers, except that Lightning succeeds through friendship while Titan steals power. Or some bullcrap.
Shepard: Friendship and his master giving him nice things and just happening to be able to use the most powerful magic in existence.
Nora: As clear cut as it becomes.
Ert: Ok to be fair I did say that he was SUPPOSED to be a foil.
He traveled through the dimensional gateways
Shepard: You think we would’ve noticed one of those by now.
spreading his darkness and chaos on many worlds. Many forces fought back valiantly, but could not overcome the relentless actions of the almighty sorcerer. Many dimension were conquered, and those within became prisoners to Titan and were forced to surrender their powers and energy to him making him stronger.
Nora: And has the Grand Ruler been doing anything to fix that? He never seems to do anything beyond his own borders because he’s incompetent and lazy, so I’m not optimistic.
However, Titan had learned not to take their lives so easily as they were needed alive so that they would continuously supply him with more energy to increase his power. Despite this, everyone whom Titan affected lived wallowing in despair, and powerless to stand up to him…
Ert: They’re powerless to stand up to him but he’s still getting worthwhile energy out of him? Granted I suppose if he got enough weak lifeforms to sap eventually quantity would become a quality of its own, but this feels like the least practical way to go about stealing power.
Until, one day, when Titan decided to launch an all-out invasion on the dimensional kingdom that was Unicornicopa; home to one of the most mystical races known in the dimensional universe.
Shepard: Wait, the entire kingdom of idiotic name that I refuse to repeat is a dimension onto itself? Why has no one brought this up before?
Nora: Mykan seems to be throwing the word dimension around in the desperate hope that it’ll give his story some scale.
The unicornicopians fought bravely but were seemingly doomed to suffer just as the rest, until The Grand Ruler, the Legendary Tri-Horned Alicorn, arose and unleashed the uniforce against Titan- relinquishing him of the magic he had squanderer over the years and sealing him in the Dimension of Darkness from when he came. Thus, the victims of his cursed ways were free to rebuild and regain the lives that were taken from them.
Ert: So he did free the other people but only indirectly, possibly without even knowing that they existed in the first place. I’m holding off on giving him a medal for this considering it came off as him protecting his own selfish ass.
With his powers diminished, Titan was unable to break the seal that bound him to his prison,
Nora: Which … the Grand Ruler made? Maybe?
and spent a millennium trapped in the darkness, but slowly learned how to regain his strength from the remains of his former home-world and converting the very darkness into the energy he needed to restore his power.
Shepard: “Energy” is a word that’s lost all meaning in this story. If you can get it from water and the freaking absence of light, why does he need to get it from other people?
He even created his minions from the shattered corpses and remains of the dead bodies of the world around him.
Ert: I fail to see how you can create a shadow out of corpses. And how does the world itself have a dead body? Was this world secretly in the stomach of a giant? No of course not, that’d actually be interesting.
Mysterious, Rep-Stallion, and Dementia… were artificial unicorns made of the very darkness and source that was death and evil. They existed for one purposes and on only and that was to serve Titan and carry out his wishes.
Nora: We’ve noticed that. This expositional dump is telling us a lot of things that we already know.
Shepard: And for some reason everyone else is just politely standing around and letting Titan tell his life story. We’re lucky he didn’t go into detail about his time in exile or I’d be an old man by the time this story was finished.
Soon, Titan managed to break the seal that had kept him contained for all those ages, and returned to Unicornicopa to exact his revenge, that was when he first met Lightning Dawn,
Ert: Shouldn’t Lightning be saying “Uh I know. I was there,” around this point? Or is this narration going to keep going until he says “And then I burst through the window to the hotel and started kicking tables over.”
Nora: That reminds me, isn’t the building supposed to be on fire?
the Grand Ruler’s new apprentice who, for some reason, could not perform magic of his own, until it was discovered that he, too, call summon forth the unmistakable might of the uniforce.
Shepard: “Uh yes Titan, I know that I can’t use magic but can use the Uniforce.”
Ert: “And then Lightning said that he knew that, something that Titan had known for a long time”
Titan realized if he was ever to conquer the unicorns, he would have to learn the secrets uniforce and overpower it, either by stealing the force by capturing Lightning, or increasing his power to a point beyond imagination. That was why he sent his minions down to create monsters to attack the kingdom.
Shepard: Considering that he lost when he had stolen the power of multiple dimensions and this time he only ever managed to get power from a handful of unicorns, water and freaking darkness, he seems to be suicidally overconfident.
Seeing the unicorns in battle and mastering their every move and attack proved useful in his plot,
Ert: Wait he did that? When?
and the best part of all, even if the monsters and minions failed in their mission Titan was still absorbing the energy emitted from the battle itself so he would get what he wanted either way, win or lose!
Shepard: Well they could beat him and not just stand around when he runs away, but yes. As things stand they’ve been doing a very poor job of stopping him.
The unicorns were shocked to learn this. While their fighting did help to protect the kingdom, it only made Titan stronger.
Ert: No, your fighting doesn’t make Titan stronger. You fighting BADLY made Titan stronger. And by “The unicorns” you pretty much exclusively mean Lightning and his friends. Because no one else has been doing any fighting at all.
The images faded and Titan chuckled deeply. “And now… here we stand after all this time.” He hissed “Your only mistake was not finishing me off when you had the chance, Grand Ruler. Now, your mistake shall be your undoing and the fall of your kingdom.”
Nora: He’s right you know. I think Ert might be onto something.
“I did what was necessary.” Grand Ruler said
Shepard: No you didn’t. If you had done what was necessary Titan would be dead.
“I can understand why you felt the way you did
Ert: Well that says a lot of terrifying things about the Grand Ruler. That he understands the reasons behind Titan committing genocide.
… however… I could not stand by and let you torment the lives of innocent creatures. You fail to see the true meaning of magic, and that will always be your own key weakness!”
Nora: What, believing? I guess all the dimensions he conquered didn’t “Believe” enough. And I have to say, Titan seems to believe in his own power. This is why you don’t rely on vague concepts like this, otherwise assholes like us are going to poke holes in it to kill an afternoon.
Titan’s eyes went redder than ever inside his hood. “I believe we have spoken FAR ENOUGH…!”
Ert: That sentence doesn’t make any sense.
he raised his hand and fired a huge blast of power. Grand Ruler leapt out of the way. “EVERYONE OUT…!” he shouted,
Nora: Not too far though! Stay nearby to gawk at how amazing I am at everything!
and the unicorns began to exit in such a rush, Titan warned his minions not to bother with them. “This time… it is personal.”
Shepard: What, is Titan just spewing out movie trailer quotes now? “This time it’s personal. In a world ruled by fear. One man dared to dream. From the creator of The End of Ends. This Summer.”
Before long, nearly every unicorn had left the building, but Lightning, and many of his friends remained, and it was a good thing they had changed back into their armors when the party began.
Ert: I’m struggling to remember at what point the story even established that they had armor to begin with. I can remember a couple of isolated examples but nothing really major.
“I’m staying!” Lightning said.
“Me too.” added Krysta.
The others all nodded and stood ready for action.
Nora: Only the ones with names though. No one else was important enough to help. Not even the royal guard. Not like it’s their jobs to protect the Grand Ruler or anything.
“Lightning…” Grand Ruler said “This is very dangerous, you may not be ready for such and ordeal.” But his student insisted “It’s like you always keep telling me. I just have to have faith, and believe… just like you.”
Ert: But he clearly doesn’t believe in you right now. Shouldn’t that be a major blow to Lightning’s self esteem or something? Didn’t he have a nightmare about that?
Nora: Is this story a closet Jehovah’s Witness? … OH SHIT!
Nora: I’LL BE BACK LATER! *Runs*
His mentor smiled and nodded, and then everyone turned to face the evil ones. Lightning and friends were going to handle off the minions while Titan and The Grand Ruler decided to settle their score up in the dark and stormy skies since it was obvious that it was impossible to come to any reasoning with Titan.
Shepard: I don’t know how he came to that conclusion. He didn’t try particularly hard. Or at all really.
Lightning and friends were already at it. Buddy Rose and Arite went after Dementia. Rhymey battled Rep-Stallion with Dyno and Myte, leaving Lightning, Krysta and Starla to face Mysterious Lightning grabbed a lit torch to serve as a weapon against the evil shadow. “You think I’m afraid of that?” Mysterious growled “You must be as brave as you are foolish.”
Ert: I fail to see how he’s foolish. This is one of the few logical things Lightning has ever done. It’s been established multiple times that Mysterious is weakened by light sources.
Nora: He’s evil, evil people can only laugh about how evil they are and mock their enemies.
He charged forward, and the others scattered, and then lunged for him.
Rhymey’s sword clashed with Rep’s Scythe even more fiercely than when they had met.
Ert: As someone who struggles to decently proofread his stories, this fic makes me feel better about myself. Thanks again Yoshi for helping me out with that, you’re a life saver.
Dyno and Myte didn’t dare use any explosive attacks inside the building, but they were able to use their special attack which they could only do together. They stood back to back, counted down… from three to one in Spanish,
Nora: Of course they did. It’s Spanish (Mexican?) magic, it only works in Spanish, just like the Spexico magic of explosives. It’s a good thing this story isn’t racist in the slightest.
then “BOOM-BOOM BASH!” the leapt straight at Rep like being launched out of a canon and bashed right into him, sending him rolling across the floor.
“Is that the best you got…?” thundered Rep as he got back up.
Shepard: Probably. The attacks in this fic haven’t once left any damage that wasn’t superficial.
Dementia was evading the attacks from the others perfectly, and she didn’t even spoil her makeup- the result of so much time for preparing for this fierce battle, and her field warping was as strong as ever and blocked all the direct attacks waged against her.
Ert: I know that she’s obsessed with looking good, but why is the narration obsessed with pointing that out to us?
“She’s dodging us like we’re moving in slow motion.” growled Buddy-Rose.
Shepard: No she’s not. She’s blocking all of your attacks, speed isn’t a factor right now.
“We have to keep on trying!” said Artie, “There has to be a way to get to her.
“Fat chance, boys…” Dementia teased as she fluttered her eyelids. This only annoyed the boys more.
Nora: How dare you make us feel confused feelings towards the opposite sex!
High above the town, Titan and the Grand Ruler just floated at opposite ends form each other. “Now let’s see if your magic is as powerful as you claim.”
Nora: I will … whoever just said that.
“As you wish…” sniggered Titan and he fired lightning bolts straight at his foe. Grand Ruler dodged most of them, and reflected the last ones by letting them hit and bounce off of his armor. Titan leaned to one side out of the way “Grr…!”
Ert: Leaning to one side out of the way of the lightning bolt that got deflected? You might want to establish that.
Shepard: And as predicted, Titan really isn’t a match for the Grand Ruler and he has no right to be surprised.
Grand Ruler then charged forward attempting to strike Titan, only for Titan to evade his every attempt. Then he held his arms across like a defensive shield as Grand Ruler slammed right into him but was halted by a force field.
Nora: Yeah this sure is exciting. “Person X tried to attack and failed.” More of that please. Who wants any of that nasty tension stuff.
The two struggled to force the other off, and managed to only deflect each other farther back.
Shepard: That was a thing that happened. When someone is willing to tell me exactly what it was, my mailbox is quite empty.
“Ha, ha, ha… still, think I haven’t improved?” Titan mocked
Shepard: Considering that last time you were able to overrun the entire kingdom, no. Your powers have not improved. They have degraded. Massively.
Now it was Grand Ruler’s turn to laugh. “I never said your powers having improved… What haven’t improved are your complete misguidance to the truth, and your lust and greed for power and order.”
Ert: Oh for fuck’s sake, shut up. First you wouldn’t stop yammering on about believing and now you’re talking about truth? What truth has he been ignoring? That he bad guy and good guy always win? Stop trying to sound wise, you suck at it.
Titan’s eyes glowed brightly. “SILENCE…!” and he charged up and fired a large wave of dark energy The Grand Ruler was barely able to dodge and his right hind leg was a little burned, but not too bad.
Nora: There’s something that could’ve been pulled right out of Full Life Consequences. Except it makes me laugh for the wrong reasons.
John Freeman who was Gordon Freeman’s Brother: John Freeman no liek Mykan! Mykan hurted peoples feel who don’t deserve hurt feel!
“You mock me? Just look at yourself!” snarled Titan “You yourself possess powers unlike any I have ever known which indeed entitles you to rule this dimension, yet you tell me that my struggle for greatness is futile?”
Shepard: I am utterly lost. What is Titan advocating and getting angry at the Grand Ruler for? What is the Grand Ruler advocating and mocking Titan for? Hell if I know. Mykan thought up a wonderful story in his head (wonderful for him, anyway) and didn’t decide to share it with the audience.
Grand Ruler quickly spun himself upright and fired a magical blast at Titan, hitting him good! “B’LARGH…!”
Ert: Uh, that’s two for two in terms of Full Life moments. I’m starting to get concerned.
John Freeman: John Freeman no part-take in storay with know Fluttershy. Best pony Fluttershy.
“You are mistaken as well as misguided, Titan. A true leader is not decided by how powerful he is, but by those who faith and believe in his words, and those who choose to follow him.”
Nora: At what point did Titan ever establish himself as a leader? He’s got three minions working under him and they seem to be very limited in their autonomy. Even when they run off without permission it’s still to fulfill Titan’s goals.
Titan still remained unfazed by those words, and the fight continued.
Shepard: This very boring fight that’s trying to be Dragon Ball Z levels of amazing but can’t quite measure up.
While down below, things were getting really serious between the smaller unicorns,
Nora: Because they were all just clowning around before.
and the minions. They had been brawling for a long time, and were starting to run low on power. And strength, yet neither side were willing to give up.
Ert: Low on power? What, can you not just plug them in and let them recharge?
“Why do you continue?” growled Mysterious “Just give up while we still have some patience left, and you may be spared!”
Shepard: Probably because there’s an entire army of unicorns just outside who could overwhelm you with sheer numbers the second they actually start doing something.
“Never!” shouted Lightning “Maybe you should be the ones to give up!”
Nora: Oh congrats Lightning, the height of wit. Essentially saying “No you.” Brilliant.
“We won’t let you, or your master, continue to treat innocent creatures like this.” growled Krysta. The others all stomped their hooves in agreement.
Ert: What is “This” again? Stealing their energy? He hadn’t done any of that today, making a “This” pronoun not really appropriate.
The minions and the unicorns glared each other down angrily, but then, a bright flare of light shone form above. Everyone looked up and could see both Titan and The Grand Ruler were shrouded in bright and dark lights.
Ert: Dark light. DARK FUCKING LIGHT! Do they also have black white? And hot cold? And good writer Mykan?
They were getting ready to hit each other with everything they had.
Shepard: Where have we seen this before?
Shepard: Ah yes.
(Unoriginality Counter: 12)
“You’ve left me with no other choice, Titan.” Grand Ruler said with his three golden horns now shining almost as brightly as the sun
Nora: Because he’s light to Titan’s dark. Didja get that? I was concerned that it might be too subtle you for.
“Heh, heh, heh…! I’ve waited for this moment for a long, long time!” Titan chuckled as he was glowing as fearfully as the stormy skies above.
Ert: Well I’m not sure how you glow “fearfully” nor am I sure how clouds were doing it, but keep rocking ,champ. You show those laws of reality who’s the real boss.
Shepard: He is? I didn’t know a being could consist of pure magic.
… your believing… and everything that you cherish… will avail you not!”
Nora: I’m totally going to win! I mean when has a bad guy ever lost in a battle against good in a story designed for particularly stupid children?
The two sides charged up as much as they could, and Grand Ruler recited his own magic chant…
Ert: Yeah it’s his own little chant for the Uniforce, not interested in covering it.
Titan roared loudly as he fired the biggest stream of dark energy he could even fire, as Grand Ruler unleashed the “…UNIFORCE!” His was much brighter and stronger than Lightning’s, which was expected as his mentor had three golden horns,
Shepard: Which is irrelevant as magical power was never connected to the number of horns that a unicorn has.
and his magic was far greater than many of theirs put together.
Ert: Who’s “theirs” in this case? Lightning and his friends? Not very impressive considering how underwhelming all of them are.
WHAMM! The two forces collided in the precise middle away from the two conjurers. Everyone watched from below and all were amazed and frightened to see so much magic being used all at once.
Nora: The Dragonball Z comparisons are just getting more and more obvious. How long until the Grand Ruler starts using Kaioken times twenty?
Titan was surprisingly making good on his threat. He was actually staving the uniforce back, “It’s been fun, Grand Ruler, but now your time has run out.” shouted Titan, and he began to charge more power into his magic,
Shepard: I recall that not five minutes ago the narration said that both Titan and the Grand Ruler put as much power as they could into these attacks. I guess Titan is putting imaginary power into his attacks now.
and very slowly began to force Grand Ruler’s magic back towards him, the same way he did to Titan a millennium ago.
Ert: First time we’ve ever heard about that. In Titans long, clunky exposition dump on how tragic he wanted everyone to think he was, he never mentioned an energy beam struggle where he slowly lost ground to the Grand Ruler.
Grand Ruler couldn’t believe this was happening, but he had to try harder. He concentrated as hard as he could… what he was fighting for, what he believed in… and all his faith. He managed to show a little force to hold it back, but not by enough… it was still moving towards him.
Nora: Well would you look at that. For all that talk, believing actually makes for pretty crummy magic. Come to think of it, in general believing is a solution that’s only worked half of the time. It’s like one of those illogical superstitions that cropped up long ago. Like saying that you’re more likely to win a fight when the sun is down, just because if you fight enough at night you’re bound to win at least a few fights.
The minions cheered for their master, and decided to help him by planning to blast at Grand Ruler to weaken him so the fore would get him.
Ert: The fuck is a fore? And planning it? Did they loudly discuss these plans in the middle of their fight?
Shepard: Considering it’s Mysterious, Dementia and Rep-Stallion, probably.
“Oh, no, you don’t…!” shouted Starla “STAR SHOWER…!” her blast stopped them before they could shoot, and the others began to fight off the minions again so they couldn’t try anything, all except Lightning.
Ert: Well that little diversion was completely insubstantial and pointless. Just like the rest of the story.
Nora: We know that joke is predictable but, does it being predicable make it less true?
He kept staring up at his master and watched him struggle. “I’ve got to help him somehow!”
For the first time, Krysta had her doubts
Nora: The nightmare chapter didn’t count I guess.
and urged Lightning not to do it. “Just look up there…! I’ve never seen such force before. Who knows what could happen to you if you go up there?”
Ert: *Crosses fingers* Fried like a bug on a zapper, fried like a bug on a zapper.
Shepard: If only.
But Lightning flew off in any case shouting, “I have to try…!”
Nora: Protagonist! AWAY!
He continued to fly up, up, and up until he was by his master’s side. “Lightning…! Go back!” Grand Ruler shouted, but his apprentice wouldn’t and vowed to help him. He summoned the Rainbow Rod and tried with all his might to add to the power, “RAINBOW FORCE…!”
Shepard: An attack from behind while Titan is completely preoccupied would be far wiser, but then again, Lightning is not particularly well known for being wise.
His magical force collided into Titan at the other end, but it caused him no harm whatsoever, all it did was make him stronger,
Ert: WHAT!? Since when does he get stronger by getting hit with raw attacks? Mykan is breaking his own rules for the umpteenth time. A special kind of insulting considering they’re not particularly complicated.
Nora: Downright insultingly simple really.
which made his force counter the uniforce even harder “FOOL…!” he shouted “Even your pitiful rainbows are no match for me! YOU WILL FALL ALONG WITH YOUR MENTOR…!”
Nora: PFFFFT! “Even your pitiful rainbows are no match for me.” We got an entry for the most unintentionally hilarious line award!
The dark magic had pushed the uniforce harder, making it now just meters away from striking The Grand Ruler, but Lightning, still not willing to back down, shut his eyes really tight.
Shepard: And him closing his eyes is a response to not wanting to run away how?
“No! I won’t let this happen!” he thought to himself. His mentor could sense what Lightning was doing- Believing…! Lightning had come far for a unicorn that could not do ordinary magic,
Ert: I suppose being incompetent at stopping terror attacks is a form of “Coming far.”
Nora: The bar is set pretty low.
and now, even with all the odds stacked against his friends, his master, and even himself… “I believe… THAT WE CAN STILL PULL THROUGH THIS…!”
Shepard: Well believing didn’t work when the Grand Ruler tried it, but now that Lightning himself is doing it of course it’s going to work. Because he’s not special. Except he is.
(Gary Stu Counter: 20)
His golden horn began to glow, and everyone down below gazed up at him. “Look…!” cried Starla.
“…Lightning!” Krysta muttered.
The minions were in shock. “He can’t…!” cried Dementia.
“He wouldn’t…!” added Rep-Stallion.
“I think he will!” cried Mysterious.
Ert: One line of dialogue.
Nora: Followed by another.
Shepard: And another.
Ert: Even though they don’t connect that well.
Titan didn’t care if Lightning was glowing. “I’ve come too far to lose to the two of you now!”
Nora: How? You still don’t hold any lands, you haven’t regained everything you’ve lost, you’ve just gotten some power back. Nowhere near the levels you had before.
he shouted as he poured on more power. Pushing the blast now to just a few feet away and still slowly closing in!
Shepard: Earlier Mykan was talking about meters, now he’s talking about feet. Is he using the metric system or the imperial system?
Lightning recited his chant…
Ert: Blah blah blah, I’m awesome.
His magic combined with that of his mentor’s began to push the dark force back again. “What…? Impossible…!” shouted Titan “I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED AGAIN…!”
Ert: I’M PERFECT! Oh right, this isn’t Dragon Ball Z.
and he summoned every last bit of magic he had, causing the two forces to stop right in the middle again.
Nora: This is the third time that he’s put all of his power into this attack. Is it for real this time or is he going to be pulling more out of his ass?
“Lightning…!” said Grand Ruler “We only need a little more magic.”
“I’m… trying…!” cried Lightning.
“We can both do this…!” replied his mentor “JUST… BELIEVE…!”
Ert: It didn’t work the first two times but the third time certainly will.
Shepard: Not taking that ding on the counter back because his ridiculous believing still turned the fight into a stalemate.
Lightning shut his eyes, and concentrated. So much was at stake, he couldn’t lose. “I believe…!” he cried “I believe…! I believe! I Believe! I Believe…”
Ert: IN FUCKING WHAT!? Fairies?
The power of his courage and faith increased the magic of the uniforce ten-fold,
Ert: Go fuck yourself.
(Gary Stu Counter: 21)
Nora: At this point believe is a word that Lightning just says when it’s time for the plot to be resolved. Except it’s not even that, because as we’ve said multiple times before, it doesn’t even work reliably. I would love to read the story where there’s a massive amount of complex factors going on behind the scene and Lightning just thinks that saying “I believe in the lord and savior Mykan” is causing it all because he’s too dense to understand what’s really happening.
sending the power straight back towards Titan swiftly as he felt the force beginning to consume him. “AAAH…! THIS CAN’T BE OVER…! IT ISN’T OVER…!” cried Titan, he then quickly reached behind him and drove his hand right into his back,
Shepard: Did … did he just rip a hole into his own back?
Ert: Jesus. For such a pathetically kiddy story that was pretty dark.
pulling something out and hurling it up, up, into the skies.
“Huh…? What’s that…?” cried Krysta.
Nora: Yeah I’m pretty sure someone knows, Krysta.
In a blinding flare of light,
Shepard: Question. Was it bright light or dark light?
the force consumed Titan’s body, seemingly vaporizing the vile fiend to his doom. Then… all was quiet, until the minions shouted.
Ert: But as we can clearly see, he really didn’t get vaporized. Possibly correct considering I’m sure he’s still alive, but I’m pissed that the narration gave it away if that was the case.
(Seemingly Counter: 2)
“TITAN…!” They really believed their master was lost, but seeing no reason to stick around now, they all vowed someday to return and avenge the fall of their lord and creator. Then they were gone, and the vile storms lifted away.
Shepard: I swear if the villains in this story spent half as much time getting revenge as they did swearing revenge, they’d get a lot more done.
Everyone cheered and shouted in the outmost of joy as Lightning and The Grand Ruler slowly descended back to the ground. Apart from suffering only a few minor wounds and being extremely exhausted, they were both okay, and so was everyone else.
Nora: Why am I not surprised? Oh right, because this story is even more predictable than the tides.
Of course the hotel lobby was a bit of a mess, but nothing everyone couldn’t clean up and repair.
Ert: The lobby that was SET ON FIRE I would like to remind you.
Grand Ruler was very proud of Lightning. “You showed great courage, my student. Without your faith and your spirit, we all would have been defeated.”
Shepard: I would say that they would’ve been defeated if it wasn’t for the Dues Ex Machina, considering Lightning couldn’t use the Uniforce for a good part of the story and could only do it recently because the plot said he could. It’s a delayed Dues Ex Machina, but an Ex Machina nonetheless.
Lightning bowed to his master, and finally was beginning to realize what he was being taught all this time…
Even though he was still not capable of performing his own magic, other than Uniforce and the Rainbow Rod- The real magic came from inside of him. His courage, determination, will power, and confidence… “The real magic… is that we believe in ourselves and in one another, and when believing is all we have… there is nothing that we can’t overcome.”
Ert:…You’re only just NOW getting that? It’s been driven into everyone’s skulls with the grace of a jackhammer since the story began! Jesus fucking Christ Lighting you’re a special kind of stupid. Did you also realize that genocide is bad today? That evil is something that isn’t very nice? Then again it’s all bullshit. For all the talk about believing, they just use the Uniforce as a Dues Ex Machina. It should be “If you believe in yourself and you have super special magical powers because of how great you are and no one else has, you can do anything.”
His mentor smiled and nodded. “Yes, Lightning! Never forget that, and someday you will make a fine unicorn. Magic… or no magic… but for now… I suggest we all get some rest.”
Nora: Except he has magic. The most powerful magic. Him not having magic is a non-issue at best and a downright lie at worst.
Everyone agreed with him. They all had had a very busy and very frightening night. Some sleep would do everyone a world of good.
Shepard: No guards to make sure that Titan’s minions don’t come back.
Still, Krysta wasn’t so certain that Titan was really gone. “Do you think it’s because of that thing I saw flying into the sky?” she asked
Ert: NAAHHHHHHHHHHH! What makes you think that?
“I don’t know…” answered Lightning “But one thing I do know… if Titan ever comes back. I’ll be ready for him… and so will everyone else.”
With good conscience, and a tired body, Lightning drifted off into a blissful sleep.
Nora: Man, that was good not trying. I’m tuckered out now.
Shepard: And in the end the subplot about Ms. Can’t Speak Reasonably ended up going nowhere. Thanks for wasting our time.
While somewhere, out in the void of dimensional-space…
That object that Titan had pulled from his back before his defeat was just floating out in the void, but it began to glow red, as red as Titan’s eyes and small raspy voice whispered over and over…
“I shall return! I shall return! I shall return!”
Ert: Some two parter/finale this was. Nothing decisive happened, nothing changed, the status quo was maintained, the Grand Ruler was a hypocrite and didn’t believe in Lighting and the titular realization was something Lightning should’ve known from day one.
Ert: And I really want to go in depth into this believing crap. The angle I THINK that they’re trying to go for in this chapter is that you should believe in yourself and believe in others. Here’s the thing. When you believe in someone you tend to have a reason to believe in them. If someone is entering a contest where they have skill, such as a poetry one, you’ll believe in them, believing that they can win. You don’t know for a fact that they’ll win but you have faith in them.
Ert: In contrast if they enter a contest where they have no chance at all at winning or no chance at all of losing you don’t believe in them because you KNOW that they’ll either win or lose. Faith requires you to take a leap. It’s why leap of faith is a term! And you’re not always going to make that leap. Even when it comes to believing in yourself, you’re going to stumble and there are going to be points where you need to recognize that you just can’t do something
Ert: That’s not to say that you shouldn’t believe in yourself, you should, but you can’t do everything. Accepting when you couldn’t do something that you thought you could, and either improving yourself if you want/need to or moving on because you realize that you just can’t do this is a vital part of growing up and emotional maturity.
Ert: Probably why Mykan fails to realize all of this.