1343: Poison – Chapter One

Title: Poison
Author: 221B-Tardis
Media: Books
Topic: Snow White / Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure
URL:  Chapter One
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

giphy

I’m ba-ack!

::strikes a pose and waits for applause::

::and waits::

Oh, none of you have any clue who I am, do you?

I’m Addicted Reader.  I was a regular snarker here until life got in the way.  But I finally finished digging, and now most of the shit has been moved out of the way.

I’m going to pick up where I left off with my biggest project yet, a 10-chapter “Snow White” fanfic from the “fairy tales” section.  The chapters are short, though, which is why I decided to tackle it.  Most of this snark was written way back when, I just finished the last few paragraphs just now.  I haven’t looked at the rest of this fic in nearly 4 years though, so this should be a fun* journey of rediscovery.

*for a very twisted definition of “fun”

Here we go!

The summary isn’t really all that exciting, but I’ll include it here anyway:

Snow White re-write. Really quite different to the original.Please R&R I wrote it back a while ago.

So, on to the story:

So, Hi, I hope you like this story- I wrote it a while back but I just wanted to publish it on here. I don’t think I need to disclaim anything. Please enjoy it and review!

I like that use of “disclaim.”

Poison

Arianna White stared into Edmund Arlon’s grey eyes with her amethyst ones. Her eye colour being the only visible feature of her witch heritage. To have purple eyes wasn’t linked to being a witch seeing as witch hunters rarely found any real witches and any real witches hid their identity to live there lives safely, the colour purple for eyes was merely a desired feature to posses.

And right off the bat, we get into the failure:  sentence fragment and run-on sentence in the same paragraph.  And I’m not sure yet, but I have a feeling that Arianna is going to turn out to be a Witchy Sue, what with her special eyes and persecuted background.

“We could run away together. I have family far away; your husband won’t know where to look. No knight in the kingdom will find us.” Edmunds eyes widened as he turned around to stare out the window immersed wholly in his plan.

So she has laser vision and it’s making him uncomfortable?  Why else would his eyes widen when she stares at him?  And it’s weird that he’s looking away when he’s speaking to her.

“It could work.” Arianna replied making her voice convincing. “I could be free to be with you forever.” She said as she slid a dagger from under the cape of her dress. Edmunds eyes stayed fixated on a vague spot in the distance.

She must be pretty ugly if he can’t look at her at all.  Maybe she’s not a Sue after all.

“I love you.” Edmund whispered affectionately, swinging Arianna by the waist to where he stood, his body turned in towards her in an embrace.

If he was facing away from her, how did he reach her waist?  The author doesn’t say he turned back from the window.

“I love you, too.” She leaned in to him and stabbed the blade deep into his chest where his once beating heart lay. Edmunds body fell into Arianna who then slowly laid him down. “I love you, too.” She accidently let a tear spill out of her eyes and trail down her face falling onto Edmunds torso.

Stabbing doesn’t usually work for zombies, she’ll need to cut off his head.

(I know he’s a zombie because his heart wasn’t beating anymore before she stabbed him, and he was talking and moving.)

Her words were no lie. Edmund was the only man she had loved. Her husband she married out of business and with him being king it was something she couldn’t overlook, being queen was her only security to make sure no one would utter the word ‘witch’ with being beheaded immediately. And aside from James white she had plenty of lovers some say as many as her husband but unlike him she rarely saw the same man twice- turning them all into dwarfs and making them leave the city, no dwarf would step foot into the city without a death wish. However there was an exception and that was Edmund, he no doubt was the most handsome of the men she had met, he had grace, charm, charisma and he was a man of good humour. He could have his way with any woman in the court but he chose not to chase any that were available and decided to make Arianna his knew interest. He knew it was a dangerous thing to pursue but he did it well and not too long as his plan began did Arianna fall for him as much as he fell for her.

::deep breaths::

That’s quite a lot of too-long sentences in a row.  Let’s break this down a bit, shall we?

So she’s in a loveless “business” marriage to a king in order to be protected from being killed as a witch.  But according to what was stated above, witch hunters are mostly incompetent and no one knows that purple eyes mean she’s a witch.  So why would she need protection?

And wouldn’t someone notice that men keep disappearing and dwarves keep appearing around her?

And if Edmund is known to be her lover, won’t she get in trouble for killing him outright?

Unfortunately there were three things that he had left out of the equation. One, Arianna was a witch. Two, she could never leave the kingdom without immediate death served by either the king or some creature who had a bias nature against witches. And three, that she was pregnant.

-dun dun duuuun-

“bias nature against witches”?  What does that mean?

Arianna kneeled down beside her formal lover and tucked a stray hair behind his ear. She knew that being with child meant that James would recognise the child as not his. She would be sent for execution which she would somehow avoid. And she would never see Edmund again and he would try and find her but she couldn’t have anyone not even the man she loved revealing to the world of her inhuman qualities.

“Formal lover” – as opposed to a casual, part-time lover.

She’s not very good at infidelity if her husband’s first assumption is that the child is not his.

And of course she’ll avoid execution – she is a Witchy Sue, after all.

Now let me get this straight:  She’s going to have to flee, which means never seeing Edmund again, so to prevent him following her she kills him.  But if she thinks running would get her away from James, why would Edmund be able to find her?  It’s also kind of selfish – I can’t have you so you may as well be dead.  Very Sue.

“I will remember you; our child will rule the kingdom one day I swear. I will use a spell before I leave to make James believe the child is his own. My mirror told me it will be a girl” an uncharacteristic giggle escaped her mouth and a warm smile set on her face.

Wait, if she can make James believe the child is his, why does she have to leave?  Wouldn’t being the mother of the heir to the throne provide a certain amount of protection?

She looked down at Edmund’s pale, ivory, face cold from all the life leaving him and put her hand to her stomach. “Our daughter will have skin as white as snow. Like yours.” She said chanting. She looked at the ruby stains now covering Edmunds body. “Her lips shall be the colour that matches your blood.” She looked deep into his grey eyes and saw her eyes reflection, the vivid lilac and the cloudy fog colours blended to create a soft rose. “Her cheeks shall blush fuchsia as the colour our eyes make together”

fuschia

Fuschia?

I’m pretty sure that’s not really a natural color for cheeks.  Not to mention that it’ll really clash with her blood-red lips.

She felt a cold wind blow into the room. She looked up and curtsied to the large, hooded figure in front of her. He was a legend of nightmares that brought fear to almost anyone, but Arianna had seen him before and was not frightened. The figure bowed his head in a small nod. Then the figure revealed a long bony arm from under his beautiful obsidian cape and outstretched it above the body. Edmunds shape lifted off the ground and disappeared as soon as his skin made contact with the strangers arm.

You know, I’m pretty sure Death just takes souls and leaves the bodies behind.  Pretty famous for it, actually.  Disasters would be a lot less messy if Death took the bodies too.

And of course Witchy Sue isn’t scared.  And of course he bows to her.

Also, I don’t think an obsidian cape would be very practical or comfortable.  But Death is an anthropomorphic personification, so I suppose he could get away with stone clothing as easily as he gets away with not having flesh.

“Our daughter will have hair the same ebony as deaths cape.” She whispered her last chant and fainted as most witches do after a strong spell

Yes, the chapter ends without a period.  Probably the writer fainted as most writers do after some crappy writing.

With that, I’ll leave you for now.  See you next time!

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39 Comments on “1343: Poison – Chapter One”

  1. GhostCat says:

    Yay! AR’s back!

    :preps Confetti Cake Cannon:

  2. GhostCat says:

    “We could run away together. I have family far away; your husband won’t know where to look. No knight in the kingdom will find us.” Edmunds eyes widened as he turned around to stare out the window immersed wholly in his plan.

    With the dialogue all smushed into the paragraph and no attribution, it almost looks like Edward’s the one with the husband.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      If I stopped to pick apart all the the problems with the author’s writing mechanics, I’d never get anything else done!

  3. GhostCat says:

    She looked deep into his grey eyes and saw her eyes reflection, the vivid lilac and the cloudy fog colours blended to create a soft rose. “Her cheeks shall blush fuchsia as the colour our eyes make together”

    Grey and purple do not make fuchsia, they would likely make a sort of lavender-grey/mauve color. And trait inheritance doesn’t work like that; you can’t mix and match traits at will. Also – how does eye color translate into the color of a blush?

  4. GhostCat says:

    Let me get this straight; Witchy Sue is deeply in love with this Edmund yet takes countless lovers as well (and turns them into dwarves for some reason)and randomly decides to kill her Twu Luv because … she has to remained married to her husband of convenience in order to avoid persecution for being a witch even though no one knows she is one. She can’t just run away because once she steps foot outside of the kingdom, everyone will be able to tell she’s a witch because … there’s some kind of selective blindness field around this particular kingdom? And not only does she kill her Twu Luv, she decides to give her unborn daughter traits from her lover’s freshly slain corpse via some spell that knocks her out cold – traits that likely do not correspond with any of Witchy Sue’s, Edmund’s, or the unnamed king’s features, so there would likely be a lot of speculation as to where the child came from and who her father really is.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      Yeah, that about covers it. Though it may be that Edmund is only recently her Twu Wuv. The other lovers-turned-into-dwarves may have been before. It’s completely unclear. If it made sense, I wouldn’t be snarking it!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Snow White re-write. Really quite different to the original.Please R&R I wrote it back a while ago.

    That still doesn’t tell me anything about what the story’s about!

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    She leaned in to him and stabbed the blade deep into his chest where his once beating heart lay.

    Indicating that his heart had stopped beating some time before he was stabbed.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Her words were no lie. Edmund was the only man she had loved. Her husband she married out of business and with him being king it was something she couldn’t overlook, being queen was her only security to make sure no one would utter the word ‘witch’ with being beheaded immediately

    Umm, what?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    he had grace, charm, charisma and he was a man of good humour.

    Mmmmmmmm.

  9. GhostCat says:

    being queen was her only security to make sure no one would utter the word ‘witch’ with being beheaded immediately

    Unless things are drastically different in this universe and everyone instantly loves the reigning monarchs regardless of their own personal beliefs, there is an excellent chance that “witch” is not the worst thing that the queen has been called.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    She whispered her last chant and fainted as most witches do after a strong spell

    Wow. European witches are… really kind of pathetic.

    • Syl says:

      What sort of milk-blooded nancy-ass faints after doing something as simple as altering an unformed fetus’ genetic code? I could understand if she was altering a fully forming sentient, that can take a full coven to pull off successfully, but this should have been child’s play.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    Edmunds eyes widened as he turned around to stare out the window immersed wholly in his plan.

    Hey, Jerk, leave the poor window alone! I don’t care how bad your day’s been, there is no excuse for immersing the window in your plan like that!

  12. TacoMagic says:

    “bias nature against witches”? What does that mean?

    *Cracks knuckles*

    Well, bias can mean a couple of things, but since we’re talking about nature, it’s probably a pun based on the UK’s meaning for bias, which is 45º across the grain of fabric.

    It being a pun, the intended meaning is a natural grain against witches. Now, everyone knows that witches are gluten intolerant, so a “bias nature against witches” obviously refers to naturally grown organic wheat. We can surmise that the kingdom in question is located in the plains so there is a lot of natural wheat around. Thus, she cannot leave for fear of being served gluten containing bakery goods.

    There, sorted!

  13. SC says:

    Witchy Sue

    Ugh. You weren’t here when it happened, but I kind of hate witches now because of Devil May Cry 4:Remake.

  14. I’m ba-ack!

    ::strikes a pose and waits for applause::

    ::and waits::

    Oh, none of you have any clue who I am, do you?

    Dakota: Ahem.

    https://literarytravesty.wordpress.com/the-crew/

    agig: Spoilsport.

    Cain: Not our fault everyone forgets to read the “more info” page of the pamphlet.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      Seeing as I’m all the way at the bottom of that (say, I have the power to fix that, don’t I!), and I assume even those front-of-the-class types who read it haven’t done so recently, I didn’t expect to be remembered. I’m flattered if I was.

  15. The Crowbar says:

    Ohey, welcome back!

    Even though I’ve never seen you before except in old dusty riff rooms.

    • Addicted Reader says:

      It’s gotten dusty in my old riff rooms?! Who let that happen? How do I get them put back onto the cleaning schedule?

      • The Crowbar says:

        You could always enslave some interns.

      • Cain: I can lend you some Redshirts as long as you’re fine cleaning up the blood and viscera yourself. Or for a more practical option, I can send a few agents. They need payment but refuse overtime.

        Garrus: Wait, we can get overtime?

        Agent [REDACTED]: As the Master Chief Fleet Admiral said, we refuse overtime.

      • "Lyle" says:

        You might be able to bribe some ninja to clean it for you. If you’re desperate, I’ll just make Koori do it. I’m sure she’s done something recently that deserves some manual labor punishment.

      • Koori says:

        Hey!

  16. WAKEMEUPINSIDE says:

    CAN’T WAKE UP


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