1342: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Five

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by agigabyte

agig: Welcome back, everyone! I’m here with Hulk and Diesel, plus, I’d imagine, Monitor.

Hulk: *Nods his head* Hello.

Diesel: *Waves cheerfully* I brought equipment! *Points towards Wardroids sitting in the corner*

(Why did I have to get stuck with the Riffleet? Sentinel never has to deal with this shit. -Monitor)

(Shut it. I wrote you as the Gemini Riffleet Transcribing AI and you’re staying the Gemini Riffleet Transcribing AI. Oh, by the way, the bus just came back. -agig (the author)

agig: Wait, what?

Screen: *Fades to lack of light* *Displays Goddess in the Archon Riffing Room, along with Corporal Jameson and Russian Stereotype*

Admiral Vladimir “Russian Stereotype” Alkaev: Hello, comrades.

Goddess: Hello, everyone. I know you were expecting my old XO and agig, but I decided to make a dramatic entrance, complete with callbacks and everything! If you’re wondering where I’ve been, I was fighting a sentient, malevolent force called Vagueness. It’s extremely powerful, but has the terrible weakness of having vague things criticized. As such, I’m here to riff it!

Russian Stereotype: I imagine most of our comrades in the Library veren’t expecting you to simply reveal vhat kept us avay for so long. Also, ve’ve sent hit squads after the impostor in the Library.

Goddess: Oh, I’m sure they know me well enough to have expected it. Without further ado, let’s riff this piece of shit!

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 5

It was weekday mornings when Garfield was busy playing spin the bottles with Miranda Tali and Jack. It was Mirandas turn and she spun the bottle and it landed on Tali.

“Miranda you have to kiss Tali it is the rules of the game” Said Garfield Knowingly.

“But Garfield I do not want to she is a girl.” Said Miranda with protesting.

“That is an order from your captain.” Said Garfield with command.

Corporal Jameson: Great. Sexual abuse from our protagonist at the very start of the chapter. Sir, may I please go secure the perimeter?

Goddess: We’re on a heavily armed Dreadnought in an alternate dimension. We’re fine.

“Ok” said Miranda and Tali with Reluctance as they went close to eachothers lips for kissing. Miranda and Tali kissed for a long time with deepness. They heard their hearts beating deeply and everyone enjoyed it.

Goddess: Quick switch from “I don’t want to!” to “Mmmmmmm.”

“Very good.” Said Garfield with approving. “Now you must take your clothes off and kiss eachother more by order of the captain.” Commanded Garfield with sternness.

Russian Stereotype: Ugh. Vhy?

Goddess: Because I’m a Sadist and refuse to read this on my own.

“Ok.” Said Miranda and Tali as they took off their clothes to reveal their nakedness. They then kissed even more and grasped each other because of the rules. Miranda and Tali grabbed eahcothers naked bodies, their hearts beating like one, as they kissed with mouth and tounges while Garfield watched and nodded with approving. However EDI interrupted the making out with important message.

Corporal Jameson: YES!

“Garfield you are needed, Admiral Anderson needs to be seeing you.” Said EDI with urgency.

“Very well I will be being there in a jiffy.” Said Garfield as he took some last photos of Miranda and Tali kissing for personal collection.

Goddess: agig would probably theorize that Garfield is EP. I wouldn’t be very skeptical.

Garfield then headed for Bridge with liquid speed. When Garfield reached Bridge he spoke to Admiral Anderson on monitors.

“Garfield this is Admiral Anderson, America needs your help Space Pirates are kidnapping the statue of liberty

Corporal Jameson: Which, according to a DLC in ME2, is headless. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else had already stolen the body.

and are planning to take it to space please help.” Said Admiral Anderson in panic.

Corporal Jameson: Also, Admiral Anderson is a Londoner like me. Why is he representing America?

“Do not worry I am true American patriot I will save the statue of liberty.” Said Garfield head held high with flag waving behind.

Russian Stereotype: Perfect. Eagleland. In space.

“Thank you Garfield we salute you. You are true American hero.” Said Admiral Anderson with gratitude.

“Joker take spaceship to Earth for liberty rescue!” Commanded Garfield at top of lounges.

Goddess: Lounges, plural? Isn’t the Normandy a small ship?

Corporal Jameson: Yes, and it only has one lounge.

With these words normany sped to earth with restless abandoning crashing through asteroids and planets to save liberty.

Goddess: They died crashing into a Garden Planet, causing a mass extinction event. Their names were cursed by a transdimensional Witch and they were hated for all eternity.

When Normany arrived at earth Garfield disembarked and headed for statue of liberty which was being held hostage.

Corporal Jameson: Also, how does the Alliance not keep these pirates from stealing the Statue of Liberty? It’s a massive government that’s part of a council of galactic leaders!

“Garrus come with me to save statue of Liberty, ladies stay here and keep practicing your kissing.” Said Garfield with demands. Garfield and Garrus then went to statue of liberty with agile limbness. When reaching the Statue of Liberty the climbed with suction cup hands like super spies.

“Garfield this makes me feel like fly on a swatter.” Said Garrus with feeling.

“I Know your feeling Said Garfield.” Knowing the feelings.

Russian Stereotype: Vhat are those feelings?

Goddess: Underserved sense of superiority and constant lust. …Oh, you meant Garrus’ feelings.

When Garfield and Garrus reached the top they saw the space pirates fighting a woman. It was Ashley Williams! But she was surrounded and overmatched.

“I Wish a man would help me.” Said Ashley Williams.

Corporal Jameson: That’s not her personality!

Goddess: Corporal, it’s a badfic.

“No need for fears! I Will stop filthy Piracy!” Shouted Garfield as he and Garrus leaped up the top of the Statue of Liberty.

“Oh no it is Garfield!” Said the Space Pirates with unison.

Goddess: Now they’re speaking in a creepy unison? Fucking seriously?! They’re speaking in unison?! Are they space pirates or fucking demons??

Russian Stereotype: Perhaps they’re space pirates having sexual relations vith demons? …I think ve all need brain bleach vodka, comrades. Da?

Corporal Jameson: *Nods weakly*

Screen: *Fades to black*

*The timestamp shows several minutes passing*

Goddess: Well, that was tasty.

“Get them! They will not stop our plans to steal statue of liberty!” Said the Space Pirate captain.

Goddess: Yes they will. They’re Stues.

Space Pirate henchmen tried to fight Garfield with martial arts but Garfield used his ninjitsu to dispose them, breaking their bones and snapping their legs like yogurt.

Everyone on the bridge: What? (Or vhat, in the case of Russian Stereotype. Regardless, why did they have to send it to me? This transcript could have gone directly to the Library central computer, but nooo. -Monitor)

“Tie to go to space Jail space Pirate!” Said Garfield to the Space Pirate Captain.

“No I will steal statue of liberty and use it to spread liberty to the galaxy!” Said the Space Pirate Captain with evil.

Goddess: While his methods make no sense, that goal isn’t evil. Unless they’re opposing my rule.

“NO liberty only belongs in America.” Said Garfield with patriotism.

Goddess: Yay. Eagleland.

“Die YOU Garfield!.” Said the Space Pirate Captain as he took out his musket laser blaster to shoot Garfield.

Time to Feel power of red white and blue!” Said Garfield as he took out an American flag and impaled stupid space pirate with it. “America is number one!” Said Garfield with patriotism.

Russian Stereotype: In vhat area? Military, economy, religion? Be specific, you moron.

“Thank you Garfield you saved me and America.” Said Ashley Williams with gratitude.

“It is no problem, come back to Normany with me.” Said Garfield. With this aid they all went back to the Normany. When reaching the Normany everyone celebrated with Champaigned and cake. During the celebrations Garfield approached Ashley Williams.

“Ashley come with me to the Cabin.” Said Garfield with intent.

“Ok.’ Said Ahsley Williams

Corporal: She’s smart. She should see where this is going.

When reaching the Cabin Garfield turned on smooth sexy jazz music and also turned on his hot tub. He then took off his clothes and hopped in.

Goddess: He wears clothes?

Russian Stereotype: He has a hot tub?

Corporal Jameson: Smooth Sexy Jazz Music? Really?!

“Ashley take off your clothes and come in the hot tub with me.” Said Garfield with nodding head.

“I do not know if I feel comfortable.” Said Ashley Williams with nervousness.

“THAT IS A CAPTAINS ORDER.” Said Garfield with command.

Goddess: Okay, that’s straight up rape. And they aren’t even joking. The actual fuck?

“Ok.” Said Ashley Williams taking off her clothes and hopping into the hot tub with Garfield.

Garfield then began to touching her all over with firm and gentle hands. “Let us be having sex all night.”

“Please touch me more Garfield.” Said Ahsley Williams as squeezed Garfields Manly Arms.

“I will eat you in and out like lasagna breakfast.” Said Garfield eyes hungry for love.

Goddess: Does she have a Lasagna-

Corporal Jameson: Please don’t go there!

>Garfield and Ashley Williams then had sexual relations all night in hot sub while sexy smooth jazz played in the background.

To be continued…

Goddess: That was interesting. Well, I guess we-

*Alarms blare*

Goddess: Lieutenant, report!

Unnamed Lieutenant #1: Receiving a comms signal! Sir, it’s from Vice Admiral Cain Dwight!

Goddess: *Mutters* How’d he find us? *Raises voice* Put it through.

Cain: It was only a matter of time before we found you. Why, Goddess?

Goddess: I don’t know what you mean.

Cain: Don’t play that game, Goddess. We both know.

Goddess: I left because I discovered the existence of a malevolent entity called Vagueness.

Cain: And that justifies your treatment of Sterling? Your stealing my fleet?

Goddess: I was being influenced by Vagueness.

Cain: No, you weren’t. You’ve never been able to take the blame for things. You’ve always found a convenient reason for it to not be your fault.

Goddess: I-

Cain: No! You have no excuse! You need to figure out when you’ll grow up and and stop running. Goddess… Alex. Alex, listen to me. You don’t have to do this alone. We can stop Vagueness together. I’ll even get your sentence down to a century. You deserve that much, and more, but if you work with us, it might just put you on the right path.

Goddess: No. I can’t let my carelessness endanger anyone else. We’re all going to die, but maybe we can soften Vagueness up for you.

Cain: Very well. Signal the raid teams.

Goddess: What?!

Unnamed Lieutenant #1: Sir! Pantheon facilities are being attacked throughout Galaxy Prime!

Goddess: Cain, what did you do?!

Cain: Pantheon needs to go. Half its inventions are fueling cosmic entities. It can’t be allowed to continue.

Goddess: DAMMIT, CAIN! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! You’ve just gotten rid of the company that’s successfully slowing Vagueness!

Cain: A company that was also fueling and strengthening other entities. Defeating one doesn’t matter if another Pantheon of them is out there. I’m sorry, Goddess. I know that your company was one of the only things you cared about. Goodbye. *Closes channel*

Goddess: *Sits there, staring at the screen*

Corporal: Goddess? Sir?

Goddess: *Gets up* I’ll be in my quarters. Admiral Alkaev, you have the Fleet. *Walks out*

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9 Comments on “1342: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Five”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    However EDI interrupted the making out with important message.

    [That part of a fanfic where you start rooting for Skynet.]

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Corporal Jameson: Also, Admiral Anderson is a Londoner like me. Why is he representing America?

    More to the point, why does he care? I know the ME1 codex says that at least some national governments still exist (although I thought that America had become absorbed into a larger North American Republic), but the Systems Alliance (which controls ninety-odd percent of human territory) is definately not the same thing.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Garrus come with me to save statue of Liberty, ladies stay here and keep practicing your kissing.” Said Garfield with demands.

    Alliance meritocracy, ladies and gentlemen.

  4. Russian Stereotype: I imagine most of our comrades in the Library veren’t expecting you to simply reveal vhat kept us avay for so long. Also, ve’ve sent hit squads after the impostor in the Library.

    Master Chief Fleet Admiral Cain Dwight: Thanks for that, by the way.

  5. TacoMagic says:

    “Very good.” Said Garfield with approving. “Now you must take your clothes off and kiss eachother more by order of the captain.” Commanded Garfield with sternness.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    Garfield and Garrus then went to statue of liberty with agile limbness.

    Give them a hand, ladies and gentlemen! In fact, give them your whole arm!

  7. "Lyle" says:

    Goddess: agig would probably theorize that Garfield is EP. I wouldn’t be very skeptical.

    There is a strong resemblance, isn’t there?


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