1337: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 9

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 9
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Is there any chance that we can fast forward to the part where Mykan gets racist, sexist and homophobic (Why homophobic and not homoist?) because him trying and failing to write a decent children’s cartoon is just getting a little stale.

Goeth: When you have something like Trapped you blow a gasket, when you have something like this you complain about how bored you are. There’s just no pleasing you is there?

Ert: Familiarity breeds contempt. Basically I just get tired of having to deal with the same thing after a while and I want things to be changed up a bit.

Goeth: Blah blah blah, you hate this job.

Ert: It can be taxing.

Up an in with a balloon

Nora: Well that makes total sense.

Ert: I’m struggling to even turn it into an innuendo, and it feels like it should be easy.

Titan was growing stronger thanks to energies that Mysterious brought back for him the last time, and he was busy testing it out in private.

Goeth: He went from “Unspecified,” to “Slightly higher than unspecified.” Gotcha.

Rep-Stallion began to think maybe it was time for him to take matters into his own hands for not having a turn in so long to cause havoc.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Dementia.

Nora: Hold on, let me spin the wheel. It’s been landing on “Laugh evilly” and “Scream the name of my enemy,” a lot. I want it to land on “Set an orphanage on fire,” for once.

Goeth: An orphanage for puppies with cancer.

When Rep-Stallion explained what his plan was to his comrades, they didn’t seem pleased.

Ert: Are they ever? The only interaction these people have with each other is to constantly belittle the plans that their comrades come up with.

Nora: At least it’s consistent?

Not merely by the fact they didn’t believe he would succeed, but the fact he had not informed Titan of his plan. “His lordship will not be pleased.” Mysterious warned him.

Ert: Have they ever called him “His lordship” before?

Goeth: Plenty of instances of Mysterious calling him “Lord” and “My Lord,” but not “Lordship.” I never got the type of vanity that comes with declaring yourself a lord “Because evil.” I call myself doctor because I actually have a Ph.D. Either get some lands or call yourself something else. Poser.

Nora: You know Mysterious is the one calling him that, not him himself.

Goeth: My point stands.

“He will then, when I bring him Lightning Dawn.” said Rep-Stallion “And don’t either of you go off to tell him. I’d like it to be a surprise.”

Nora: I’m stupid like that.

After he left, Mysterious and Dementia felt that by day’s end Titan would be more than just surprised.

Ert: Subtle. The implication that he’s going to fuck up is REAL subtle.

In Titan’s secret lab,

Ert: Because he has one of those.

Goeth: Oh so he’s Doctor, Lord Titan now. Where’s your freaking degree Doctor, Lord Titan?

he had been working hard to combine his magic with the energies he had absorbed form the elements and unicorns. “Yes…!” he hissed with glee “I can feel the power pulsating through my veins!”

Nora: I announced that to the world just in case anyone was watching me and needed to know what the situation was.

He hadn’t felt this strong for centuries, since the Grand Ruler sealed him away and drained him of his magic and strength. To further test his new growing powers he stepped outside and began to practice on the storms and grounds of the demission.

Ert: He did the what on the who in the where? Where are we? Are we in Blue? Did Blue become the formless void?

He was able to bend and swerve lightning bolts that came right at him so they flew in opposite directions, and even repel them back with a fraction of his powers. He also managed to break many boulders into dust with one swipe of his ghastly hands.

Goeth: You know Titan has been portrayed as a genuinely threatening, at least in terms of pure power. He could be quite a menace with all of this. Shame it doesn’t actually do anything with it. The story isn’t even half over, even with this recent power boost he’s pretty much guaranteed to do nothing of significance.

Ert: Goeth’s dead on. The only thing he ever actually did right was get more power. But with the way the writing has been going he’s still going to do nothing because if he could get anything done we’d have something resembling the plot moving forward. And we know Mykan isn’t capable of handling that.

His powers were getting stronger, but just not enough for him to fulfill his ultimate dreams. Especially one in particular that he constantly remembered for so many ages!

Nora: Right, his goal. HE WANTS … what does he want again? Something about “Bringing darkness?”

Ert: *Sigh* Yeah that bullshit. I hate it when stories do this. Even in stories I utterly adore like Legend of Zelda and Fire Emblem. “Bringing darkness,” ok what the fuck does that even mean? I can think of ONE time when “Bringing darkness” wasn’t just a vague concept that evil people do because they’re evil. ONE! TIME!

Ert: Yeah I’m a fanboy, what about it?

He shut his eyes tight and imagined a poor young boy he once remembered being ridiculed by others because he was defeated so easily by so many others before him. Even those that would normally appear weak to him were able to overpower him. He was laughed at, taunted, and physically abused.

Nora: Wow. That was it? He was physically frail so he decided to become evil. “Weak” doesn’t even begin to describe it. See, dark backstories need to make sense, they need to shape how a person acts. Someone who was betrayed would have trust issues, someone who saw a miscarriage of justice would have a thirst for vengeance. Someone who was bullied would not want to do some bring darkness to the world crap.

Titan opened his eyes and clenched his fists, and acted as if he wouldn’t let that boy that he knew down. “Not quite yet, but soon. SOON…!”

Goeth: Don’t worry boy that most certainly isn’t me.

It was another happy day in Unicornicopia and everyone was up and about, some at work, some playing, and little colts going off to school.

Ert: How can it be “Another happy day,” with all of the goddamn terrorist attacks?

It certainly was a nice day, and that worried Krysta a lot. “This is usually the time when Titan or one of his henchmen comes after us again.”

Nora: Exactly! He attacks so often that this is becoming routine. Despite that, the Grand Ruler’s reaction never stopped being “Eh, Lightning can take care of it. He’s always magically nearby.”

“Well if they do…” Lightning said “We’ll be ready for them.”

Ert: No. No you will not be. You have to solve all of your problems by the skin of your teeth.

All day they had been flying around looking for work, but nobody seemed to need any help that day, which wasn’t really a bad thing. They were bound to find work sooner or later as the kingdom was fairly large, and soon they did find work.

Ert: This is why you get a job that’s less vaguely defined than “Town helper.” You want a job where the person performing the job actually knows what they’re doing. That way they’re not just goofing off while earning a government paycheck.

Cookie had asked them to deliver a specially packed lunch to Brain’s place in Greenland. “He’s been working another of his secret projects and says he hasn’t got time to come here and get it himself.”

Nora: He doesn’t have time to travel from one town to another to get lunch? Well yeah, I would imagine! Does Mykan not realize that traveling from one town to another takes time? He doesn’t, does he…

Greenland sure lived up to its name; lush and green fields stretched as far as they eye could see. Grassy hills and pine-trees, the houses were all dome-shaped,

Goeth: I’m not sure of the connection between a dome shaped house and the color green.

and wasn’t difficult to tell which one was Brain’s because they could see something unusual. “A big balloon…?” Krysta said almost in a slight of dismay. “That’s what he’s been working on?”

Ert: Balloon = Brain? Does he have a monopoly on the things? And why couldn’t Cookie Dough give an exact address so they don’t end up knocking on a stranger’s door by accident?

“This is have to see.” said Lightning

Ert: Ich sprechen English gut.

Brain was standing in the basket of the balloon and was truly proud of his “Ahh…! Satisfactory…! Most satisfactory…”

Goeth: I’m honestly curious to see if Mykan has just been using copy and paste every time Brian has shown up.

He saw Lightning and Krysta and was glad someone finally showed up to see his work. “Tell me… do you like it?” he asked.

Goeth: Nope, it’s tacky. *Loads heat-seeking missile*

Lightning and Krysta gazed at one another. “Yeah… we do…” Lightning said “But why would you spend all this time making a balloon for? Especially since we all have wings and can fly by ourselves.”

Ert: That is a very good question, Lightning. Taking bets now. Scroll down to the comments before reading any further. Will Brian’s explanation be half assed or non-existent?

Brain was aware of this all and wasn’t trying to imply that a balloon could compete with unicorn wings. “But… for the sheer sensation of soft gentle flying, there is nothing that can compare with a gas filled balloon. Come along you two, and join me for a most exciting experience.”

Nora: It was half assed. Let’s be honest, there was never going to be a GOOD explanation for an all-flying species developing a hot air ballon. It’s like mermaids developing a submarine. Unless you plan on giving it some kind of military design, it’s pretty pointless.

Krysta and Lightning decided to go along, and as soon as they climbed aboard did brain unfasten the lines holding them down, “Right…! Away we go…” and the balloon slowly began to rise up into the air.

However, all this time, they were being watched by someone hiding behind one of the pine trees near the house. “Hmm… I think I can turn this to my advantage. Heh, heh, heh…!”

Ert: So what was the plan if Brain didn’t make one of the most pointless things in existence? Another staple of bad writing (one of the thousand in this fic) is everyone’s planning revolving around being able to predict the future. Because no one could ever plan this far ahead.

The balloon soared over Greenland, and across Rainbow City, and then back because Brain didn’t intend to fly too far for his first test, but Krysta and Lightning were impressed. “This is relaxing, I’m kind of surprised.” said Krysta “And the breeze feels just wonderful.” added Lightning.

Goeth: I am a mindless sheep who mindlessly parrots the desired outcome that the creator wanted to hear. Clearly this is a parody of capitalism and corporate culture.

Nora: Also from one town to another is considered a short trip.  Kind of fits with the earlier fuck up about distance.

“Did I not tell you so…?” Brain chuckled

The landed safely near Brain’s home, fastened the balloon down again and hopped out. “Well that sure was fun.” said Lightning.

Ert: I feel a little underwhelmed, considering the trip that was a handful of bare bones sentences. Maybe if you showed the characters during the trip and them reacting towards the trip during the trip and not them just mindlessly spouting “trip was fun,” it’d have a bit more substance to it.

Nora: Nah, that’d take too long. Ten whole minutes, Mykan is a very busy man.

Brain agreed “And I haven’t even told you the most exciting feature… the balloon is made of specially coated fabric making it difficult to puncture so there is little chance of hole being punctured, and a leak being sprung.”

Ert: That’s not actually a huge problem. When pilots attacked war balloons in WW I, they used incendiary rounds, because the best way to take a balloon down is for it to ignite. That’s a much bigger concern than a tear.

“That’s just what I wanted to hear!” snapped a voice. The others turned round and saw him standing there.

Goeth: His plan is absurdly specific isn’t it? What was the plan if the balloon wasn’t here and it wasn’t specifically made to be tear-proof?

“Rep-Stallion!” snapped Lightning.

“I say- What are you doing here?” growled Brain

Nora: Take a guess. No seriously, take a guess. I want to see what you rubbing your little brain cells together will produce. “You were in the neighborhood,” or “to borrow sugar” or maybe “to tell me how smart I am” are things I could see you saying.

“To cause trouble no doubt.” Krsyta sneered.

Nora: Oh, what a novel observation Krysta. NO ONE could have figured that one out.

Rep-Stallion was impressed by how well they caught on. “Nice balloon. Mind if I borrow it…?” before anyone could answer him he had leapt over to the balloon, “Thanks… I appreciate it.”

Goeth: *Takes aim* That’s right…that’s right. Just where I want you.

Brain was livid when he saw Rep sprinkling his monster dust on the balloon “I say! What are you doing…?”

Ert: If you don’t know what he’s doing than you haven’t been paying attention to anything that’s been going on in the entire story.

Goeth: To be fair, I think we’ve been paying more attention than Mykan has been.

He soon got his answer when the balloon began to transform into Rep-Stallion’s newest monster, Big-Blowout!

Ert: *Snort* Mykan, can you come up with names that don’t suck, please?

Nora: Considering this thing’s name it might be sucking in more ways than one.

Goeth: Guess this is the type of monster-creating magic that causes them to be born knowing their name. If Titan had a soul he’d name his abominations himself like a real father would.

Its shape was rather odd. The basket was its head, the ropes and latches were all connected together to serve as the arms and legs, and the big balloon itself served as the body.

Ert: The ropes and latches are limbs how? They sound like they’d be better suited to connecting the torso to the limbs.

At first, Lightning and Krysta didn’t seem impressed. “You’re going to beat us with a balloon?” asked Lightning “This should be easy.”

Nora: Well all of the minions in this story have been underwhelming, half of the time undone by their own bottomless stupidity.

Goeth: No passion. No passion at all. No pure emotions on display, no advanced technology, no creative mutations, just half-assed work. Disgraceful.

“I’m not so certain of that.” said Brain “I’m certain there is some reason he has used my balloon for a monster.”

Ert: Not sure why you say that, every other time they just sprinkled the dust on whatever happened to be in the area.

Nora: Remember, we’ve established that this guy has pretty much been asleep the entire story. I’m surprised if he even remembers that Titan has returned or who the Grand Ruler is.

but Lightning didn’t listen and just ran on ahead. “Lightning, wait…!” cried Krysta as she chased after him.

Ert: Ok I think I’ve got the pattern down. The formula for this story. Titan and his minions talking about what they’re going to do today, Lighting and his friends are talking about something that’s connected to what Titan was talking about in an asinine way, the characters that Mykan wants to play with today are shoehorned in, no matter how out of place they are, one of Titan’s minions shows up and makes a monster based off of the one topic that keeps coming up everywhere in the chapter, Lightning tries to fight the monster and is useless, the character who was following around Lightning for the day does something stupid to beat it, Lightning does his Sailor Moon shtick, the minion screams “I’LL BE BACK!”, some awkward comedy and then a horrifically forced moral from the Grand Ruler. I miss anything?

Nora: The many ways in which this story is boring and rips off everything else. You got the general plot down.

Rep-Stallion hopped on the head of his monster and laughed at their feeble attempts. “Show them, my monster.” He said and with a swift wave of his scythe, “Now…!” and the monsters unleashed a fierce blow of strong air, and blew it straight at Lightning knocking him far back right into a tree.

Krysta and Brain dashed over to him.

“Lightning…!”

“Oh dear…!”

Lightning wasn’t hurt,

Goeth: *Revs chainsaw* That can be fixed!

Ert: Yeah I forgot to mention that the villains are a special kind of threatening. The kind of threatening where everyone is terrified of them and constantly screams “OH NOES!” upon seeing them, but the villains can never actually hurt the good guys in a way that has any impact of any kind.

“But that thing’s got a lot of air in it.” That was to be expected as it was a balloon, and a giant one to be exact. To make matters worse all it all it had to do was take in a deep breath and it sucked up the air back into its body ready for more.

Nora: Uh. Sure. That’s how it works. Let’s just go with that. Even if it is how this works it’s explained in an utterly nonsensical and boring way.

“Nicely done, Big-Blowout.” said Rep-Stallion, “Now seize them!”

Ert: Whoa whoa whoa! “Seize them?” Damn Rep, you’re making a big break away from the doctrine of “Capture them.” You might want to be careful about that, you might get fired for that. Titan doesn’t strike me as the type of boss who just overlooks major violations from his employees like that.

The monster began to stomp its way towards the gang, shaking the ground with every step for a monster full of air,

Goeth: So there’s a monster full of air somewhere and this one is shaking the ground for him? What, is the other guy so lazy that he has to outsource all of the actual work that he’s supposed to be doing?

to make matters worse, the monster didn’t only just blow air out. It drew in another huge long breath and began to suck in the air harder and faster than it did before.

Nora: *Snort* Please tell me more about how he’s sucking harder and faster. I don’t need to make fun of this, it does it itself.

“Hey…!” cried Lightning as he felt himself being lifted off of the ground by the strong winds. He quickly grabbed the tree and held it tight.

Ert: The tree. Not a tree, not a random tree, THE tree. Presumably the same tree that the true cross was crafted from.

Krysta and Brain felt the wind two Krysta held onto Lightning’s mane, which hurt him because of the pulling force, and Brain held Lightning’s tail.

“AAAAH…! OOOWWW…! Krysta… Brain…!”

Ert:…Ménage à trois?

Nora: And now that image is stuck in my head forever.

“Oh my goodness…!” cried Brain.

Goeth: This imminent death by being sucked inside a hot air balloon (which would actually most likely be extremely painful and probably would kill them but in Mykan’s fairy world it’ll lead to them getting “captured”) brings out how very British I am!

“I can’t hold on!” added Krysta

Ert: She said as she continued to hold on.

Poor Lightning was a little preoccupied by the pull of the air and the agonizing pane from Brain pulling on his tail and Krysta holding his mane.

Nora: Brian I can get, but if a little fairy holding on is causing agonizing “pane” then I think we can safely label Lightning a pussy.

Ert: We couldn’t before why?

Nora: We’re just making it official here.

The pull of the wind only got stronger as the monster treaded closer!

“They can’t hold against the pull forever.” grumbled Rep-Stallion, but his patience were wearing thin

Nora: It’s been fifteen seconds, why haven’t I won yet!?

and he raised his scythe, “This ought to loosen their grip- SCYTHE SLASH WAVE…!”

With a wave of his scythe he fired small blasts of waving-energy at the tree, hoping to hit Lightning so he’d let go. “AAH…! WHOA…!” but his grip still held!

Goeth: Waving-energy? I remember working with that. It was right after I extracted energy from regular water.

Ert: Also the story is vague on whether the attack actually hit or not. Kind of proving my earlier point on how the villains are “threatening” even though they haven’t caused even slight physical harm to the main characters. Ever.

He just couldn’t let go! Who knew what would happen if he and his friends were sucked into that beast!

Nora: Note that he “couldn’t” let go. Not wouldn’t, he is physically incapable of letting go. His hands have been fused with the tree.

“I’m losing my grip!” cried Krysta.

Ert: Oh shut up. You said you couldn’t hold on any longer earlier, now you’re saying that you’re slipping. That’s a freaking improvement.

“Just hang on…!” shouted Lightning.

“I hate to admit this… but I believe I am slipping.” cried Brain.

Goeth: Yes, cried. Which is why he sounds positively bored.

Rep-Stallion fired another blast, and the force nearly hit Lightning and created small sparks.

Ert: HOW DID YOU MISS!? HE WAS COMPLETELY IMMOBILE! Storm troopers have better fucking aim than you! Mykan, get back to me when you have enough of a spine to make it so that an attack, any attack, hits on your character and actually does something resembling damage. I’ll even take a black eye, but I get the feeling that even that would cause you to have an emotional breakdown.

“AA-AAH…!” he managed to hang on, but the others finally lost their grip and screamed as they were pulled in! “BRAIN…! KRYSTA…!”

Goeth: Well they’re going to be stuck in a balloon that’s filled with heated air. Wonder how severe their burns are going to be.

Nora: I think Ert just established that Mykan has no guts.

Goeth: I know, but I was created by a writer. *Holds up pen and paper* And you know how people follow examples.

“LIGHTNING…!” Krysta screamed as she and Brain disappeared into the monster mouth, causing the wind pull to stop, and the monster took a big gulp and swallowed hard.

Ert: Swallow. He swallowed them. They went from the inside of the basket to…the inside of the balloon? Ok, from this thing’s design the basket was the head and the balloon was the body. That means the balloon is upside down, same with the basket. It sucked them into the basket…so it could swallow them into the balloon. Without an esophagus to make sure that they actually went to the right place. I just. I’ve never gotten drunk before, but I’m considering it right now.

Nora: Let me know when you’ve reached your limit. I can help with that. *Takes a sip* I can be the designated driver too. I know my limit.

Lightning felt this heart ripping in half. “He… He ate them!” he cried as tears of anger and sadness form in his eyes.

Ert: Gold star Mykan, you know where tears come from. I joke, but I was honestly concerned he would think that they come from the nipples.

“Well…” Rep-Stallion said as he scratched his head “Not quite was I was aiming for, but it will do just as nicely.” He also loved the very sight of Lightning on the verge of tears.

Ert: When I read that all I can think of is this one comic SC once showed me about two peeping toms who got off on someone exposing themselves. Emotionally. And now my brain is going places.

“Relax…!” he assured him “Your friends are perfectly safe, for the moment; inside the interior balloon of Big Blowout, but how long they remain safe is entirely up to you. Heh, heh, ah, ah, ah, ah…!”

Ert: THE ORGASM LAUGH IS NOT HELPING!

Lightning could only gaze at the giant balloon wishing he could tell if his friends really were in there and if they were safe.

Goeth: And then Brian howled in agony as the air seared away at his flesh, second degree burns appearing all over his body, quickly developing into third degree burns. In that moment he knew that he was doomed, as third degree burns on as little as 10% of the body could be fatal.

Nora: Ert, take the pen away from him.

It was dark and pretty windy inside the huge balloon, but Krysta’s glowing body made it brighter,

Ert: Because that’s a thing. Apparently.

and Brain has special miniature lights in his glasses on.

Ert: *Smashes face into desk*

Nora: The idiot even had them on all the time. He didn’t turn them on, he had them on. Sorry Mykan, words mean things. We’re not those people who use the word “literally” to make our point sound more important than it actually is. To us, words mean what they mean, not what you want them to mean.

“You okay, Brain…?” Krysta asked. “I am just fine, Krysta.” Brain said, “But I fear we are in deep trouble. We try and escape from here.

Nora: We try and escape. Then we eat food. Then we sleep on bed. Then we learn speak English proper.

Who knows what is happening to Lightning out there?”

Goeth: Well I imagine Rep-Stallion knows. And Lighting.

That’s when they felt the monster sucking in more air which shook them all about inside.

Ert: Man the way this thing works is just bizarre. It … actually I have no idea what it does, Mykan is just stuffing in references to wind everywhere.

Lightning was still hanging onto the tree, not willing to surrender. His friends were count on him, but he didn’t what to do for them.

Ert: Oh my Christ, I am actually bleeding from my eyes. Goeth do something about this.

Goeth: If you had gotten the implants I had recommended, this would be a non-issue.

Ert: Trust me, I’m considering it.

Nora: My friends are counting on me! Don’t worry friends! I’ll never let go of this tree! I’m staying alive! You can rest easy now.

“Just give it up…!” snarled Rep-Stallion “You have no choice. Your friends’ lives are at stake!”

Lightning growled and groaned in attempt to hang on tight.

Nora: Yes! If you don’t give up I’ll do something! No idea what though! But it will be evil because that I iz!

Inside, Brain and Krysta were blown around hard and were lying flat against the walls so they wouldn’t jerk around so much.

Goeth: While that would reduce the surface area exposed to the direct wind, I don’t really see it changing much.

“There’s too much air…!” cried Krysta “This balloon is really driving me crazy!”

Goeth: *Snort* Too much air. Are you still on your feet? Then it’s not a matter of there being too much oxygen or carbon dioxide. Too much air. Yes Mykan, please tell us how you’ve managed to defy the laws of physics and have there be more matter in a single space than should be physically possible. You meant too much wind, you daft anti-intellectual.

But her words made Brain realize, “Air… Balloon…! By word, that’s it!”

Nora: Yes they go together. What about it.

He explained to Krysta that there only one hope of them getting out and that was to pop a hole in the balloon from the inside where they were. “But how…?” asked Krysta “You said it was impossible to penetrate the fabric.”

“No! I said… there is little chance. Meaning that there is a possibility.”

Nora: Than you for defining what “little chance” means Brian, I would’ve been so lost otherwise.

replied Brain and he reached behind him, “Luckily… I always keep my trusty miniature-drill for such emergencies.” and he started drilling.

Ert: Well that’s a special type of lazy. I mean, the formula I laid out did establish that Brain would save the day somehow, but not because of a random drill that was never established before and he was apparently keeping wedged firmly inside his anus.

Lightning didn’t know how much longer he could last like this, or how much longer his friends would be safe, if they even were safe. “I’ll never give into you, Rep-Stallion! NEVER…!”

Goeth: Is Rep-Stallion trying to tempt him to the dark side?

Nora: No. This isn’t a battle of wills, Lightning, it’s you holding onto a tree.

Rep-Stallion growled and began to fire more blasts at him trying to force him to let go. Some of the blasts even hit him and they hurt! “ARGH…! AH…! DON’T LET GO!” he kept shouting.

Ert: Does he honestly need to scream at himself to remember what he’s supposed to be doing … ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Rep-Stallion couldn’t believe the determination Lightning was exhibiting,

Ert: I considered making an Undertale joke but I’m not souring that game with a comparison to this drek. No more than I already have, that is.

but he was growing angry. “I’ll get you yet!” he thundered as he fired more shots.

“ARGH… G’UGH…!”

Goeth: I’m guessing waving energy is a particularly harmless form of energy, considering that being directly exposed to it while stuck in the middle of this monster’s attack is like being buffeted by a moderate breeze.

Nora: Also, and stop me if this is too radical or mind blowing, why can’t the monster with the really stupid name just take a few more steps forward and grab Lightning while he can’t move? Or am I now banished to the moon for being logical?

Krysta could swear she could hear Lightning suffering from outside.

Ert: But she couldn’t, so I don’t know why you brought it up.

“Time’s running out, Brain…! Hurry!” she screamed.

“All right…!” Brain called “I think I’m… nearly… through, but this… fabric is stronger than I thought!”

Ert: How can it be stronger than you thought!? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE IT! Did you forget? I thought your gimmick was that you were smart (and British). Can Mykan not even keep your one-dimensional personality straight!?

This was it! The monster was still sucking in air, and Rep-Stallion had lost all patience.

Nora: I wanna win! I wanna win and I wanna win NOW mommy!

“Be prepared!” he thundered as he readied himself for one final, really big shot

Nora: Which he didn’t use before in favor of mild blasts that only hurt just a little bit because Mykan needs to shelter Lightning from everything resembling a challenge.

… when suddenly the monster began to vibrate violently. “Hey! Hey! What’s going on… ? HEY…!”

POW! A huge hole popped right through the monster’s body for sucking in so much air,

Ert: Mykan thought we needed to be reminded that the monster sucked in air. Well that’s a special kind of insulting.

Goeth: And it’s a huge hole even though it was a tiny drill. I guess Mykan thinks that one good tear in a hot air balloon causes it to completely fall apart, even though in reality they’re made of tougher stuff than that. It’s even less excusable in this case considering this balloon was made of a particularly tough material.

and Brain’s drill finally breaking through. The monster took over blowing around

Nora: You could make a novel out of all the blowing and sucking in this chapter.

Ert: Man we’re reaching for the low fruit today.

Nora: The low fruit is all there is.

as the air escape knocking Rep-Stallion off and down to the ground hard. Krysta and Brain were set free, but they didn’t exactly have a smooth landing.

“Ouch…!”

“Oh…! I say!”

Lightning fell flat on the ground, bruised and hurt from being hit so much,

Ert: Constantly hit by attacks while unable to move. He’s “bruised.” That doesn’t count, Mykan. Something of substance.

he looked in bad shape, and so did the monster. It looked like a squeezed out tube of toothpaste, and couldn’t even stand.

Nora: Ok, this thing’s anatomy was confusing enough already, don’t just say it looks like “a squeezed out tube of toothpaste” and expect us to be able to connect the dots ourselves.

“My monster!” growled Rep-Stallion! “This can’t be happening…!”

Nora: I’m losing? THIS NEVER HAPPENS!

A golden glow of light forced him to turn round. “Huh…?”

Lightning, despite his injuries managed to stand up and was summoning his great power…

Ert: Because things might get tense if he couldn’t. Also he’s “bruised.” Not exactly what I would call a great injury to overcome. Anyway, he does his Moon Healing Activation thing and monster go boom. Oh no wait, it wasn’t the Rainbow Rod, it was the Uniforce. And the difference is … there is no difference.

“NO…!” shouted Rep “No! What went wrong?” he then angrily turned to face Lightning, who by now was very weak and sore. “No running this time…!” he growled as he gripped his scythe and charged forward, “I’m going to get you ONCE AND FOR ALL…!”

Nora: Sticking around when the monster’s gone? Time out! Time out! He’s cheating! That’s against the rules!

“LIGHTNING…!” screamed Krysta. “GET OUT OF THERE…!”

Goeth: Remember how there was news about this riot control device that made it so that people were unable to talk a while back? Ignoring how rather fascist that sounds, I feel like we could use one.

but Lightning could barely move after all he had been through and using the uniforce too.

Ert: I must dramatically faint when it serves the plot.

Goeth: I didn’t realize the PCC had expanded into developing personal powers.

Rep-Stallion continued to run forward ready to strike, when he was suddenly halted by the sudden appearance of a force-field. “AAAHH…!”

Everyone was confused, until the roaring sound of Titan’s angry voice was heard. “REP… STALLION…! I think you’ve done quite enough! You are coming back here immediately!”

Nora: You know the rules Rep-Stallion! When the monster dies we’re not allowed to do anything else! And now here you are. Being…COMPETENT! This is in direct violation of your contract. See, right between the section about laughing evilly twenty times a day and the section where it says you’re not allowed to get along with your co-workers. This is coming out of your non-existent paycheck!

Ert: Wait, why do Titan’s minions follow him, again? Because evil? Ok, just checking. Honestly Titan, even Power Rangers make it clear that the minions agree with the villain’s views on how all humans should die or something.

In a blazed glow of light followed by a scream, Rep-Stallion vanished.

Goeth: The lord of darkness uses light to teleport people. Sounds legit.

“He’s gone!” cried Krysta.

“Never mind that…” said Brain, “We must help Lightning.”

Ert: Ok, what else do we need to establish? Um … we defeated the monster, Lightning saved the day, Titan was mad at Rep, I’m annoying, I’m British, Rhymey wasn’t in this chapter (thank FUCK) and nothing important happened.

Mysterious and Dementia were forced to watch Titan as he showed Rep-Stallion very little mercy by continuously shocking him with his stronger powers.

Goeth: Well this story just accidentally removed any possibility of Titan being threatening in a fight. His strongest powers, after a power up, and it sounds like this is only hurting Rep-Stallion. Even when trying to show how evil his villain is and having it be directed at another villain, Mykan just can’t bear the trauma of giving someone a boo-boo.

Ert: Why does this scene remind me of something?

Ert: Crunchy’s gonna be pissed.

Goeth: I’m already annoyed for him.

(Unoriginality Counter: 11)

He was raging with furry not only by Rep-Stallion’s insubordination, but that he almost destroyed Lightning Daw, the key element to his success and he needed to be alive.

Nora: Not really. In fact, things would go a lot smoother if Lightning was dead, considering he’s one of the two people who can actually hurt you. And by hurt I mean knock you off of your feet at which point you just give up.

Ert: He’s one of those obsessive types that goes for no-damage runs in games isn’t he?

Goeth:  Raging with furry?

“I warn you, Rep-Stallion!” fumed Titan “If you ever… ever… EVER run off to spring a plan without my clarifications again, I will not be as mercy on you as I am being now! DO YOU UNDERSTAND…?”

Ert: He’s blasting him with his strongest powers, what more could he possibly do? Blast him with his for really realsises strongest powers?

Through all the pain and shocking Rep-Stallion acknowledged his master’s warning.

Nora: Somewhere over there.

Doctor Penny was summoned and she helped treat Lightning’s injuries. “There! All better…?” she asked.

“Apart from being incredibly exhausted. I’ll be fine.” Lightning said.

Goeth: And like that all of his boo-boos are gone. *Draws knife* I have to say when I was a kid I always wanted one of the characters to lose an eye. I always thought it would be cooler.

Ert: I swear someone is testing me by seeing how far I can be pushed before I let you off the leash.

Krysta and Brain were very relieved, but Lightning felt just awful. “I’m sorry I destroyed your balloon, Brain.”

Brain shook his head “My dear fellow… The important thing is that everyone is safe, and that’s all that matters to me.” He was most sympathetic.

Ert: Uh. Brain destroyed it himself, Lightning. He was the one that drilled the giant hole on it. You just made it not a monster anymore. It always has to be about you doesn’t it? Prick.

(Gary Stu Counter: 18)

Right now it was strongly suggested that Lightning rest, he had taken quite a beating, despite being just healed.

“Oh, Lightning…” Krysta sighed softly as her friend slept “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

Goeth: I do. We have skipping through flowers at nine, lunch on your grave at noon, making jokes at your expense while saying “Too soon” while not meaning it at three, dinner at six with the bill sent to your parents and crashing at your place at 9 with us ransacking it in the morning.

Nora: I’m game.

(In The Grand Ruler’s Palace)

Grand Ruler: “Poor Lightning… he really took a beating this time, but it cannot be ignored that he was only trying to hang on for the sake of his friends.

Ert: He did? It seemed like he was just hanging on for self preservation. Not anything wrong with that, but don’t dress it up to be prettier than it is.

His courage and determination make me proud to call him my student.”

Ert: Ok. You want to see determination done right? Play Undertale. It’s a cheap game, only ten bucks, you can play it on a toaster and its short but it’s worth your time. Someone saying “No” a lot at something that isn’t really a threat doesn’t make determination. Especially when Undertale managed to do it a million times better with three simple words. “But it refused.”

“And all of you out there, there are many ways to show your own determination, but you really should never risk it as much as Lightning did all the time.

Nora: Oh. So the lesson for the chapter is one that Lightning never learns. That’s great. “You see this thing that my characters do? Yeah don’t do that.” It’s not even like one of those episodes where the hero starts doing something he never did before and has to be talked down.

It can be fatal to you, and or someone you know or care about, but determination and courage are two very powerful forms of magic we all have, and they can never truly be taken from us.”

Goeth: Oh. You say that. You say that. But I’ve proven you wrong.

Ert: Yeah … this is really dark of me to say, but we all have our limits. And. Well. Two plus two equals five.

“See you all next time, and keep on believing!”

Ert: Fuck you too.

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90 Comments on “1337: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 9”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Titan was growing stronger thanks to energies that Mysterious brought back for him the last time, and he was busy testing it out in private.

    What, like with a magazine?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Either get some lands or call yourself something else.

    Now, now, it’s entirely possible Titan just has a seat in the upper half of the British Parliament.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    It was another happy day in Unicornicopia and everyone was up and about, some at work, some playing, and little colts going off to school.

    So apparently Unicornidopia restricts primary education to males.

    I’m… not actually the least bit surprised.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: How can it be “Another happy day,” with all of the goddamn terrorist attacks?

    Considering the attention span of the unicorns we’ve visited, I am not in the least bit surprised.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cookie had asked them to deliver a specially packed lunch to Brain’s place in Greenland. “He’s been working another of his secret projects and says he hasn’t got time to come here and get it himself.”

    Wouldn’t sending Lightning to do it take the same amount of time?
    Plus however long it took the message to get to Cookie Dough in the first place?

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Brain was standing in the basket of the balloon and was truly proud of his “Ahh…! Satisfactory…! Most satisfactory…”

    He was truly proud of his catchphrase?

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    That is a very good question Lightning. Taking bets now. Scroll down to the comments before reading any further. Will Brian’s explanation be either half assed or non-existent.

    Half-assed, since Krysta asked him an exposition-bait question and Mykan only ever explains the unimportant plot points.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Let’s be honest there was never going to be a GOOD explanation for an all flying species developing a hot air ballon. It’s like mermaids developing a submarine. Unless you plan on giving it some kind of military design, it’s pretty pointless.

    I’d say quite the opposite- a balloon could be used to carry cargo, or for long-distance travel, or to create aerostat platforms. Really, for any of the same reasons humans developed ground vehicles.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    Brain was livid when he saw Rep sprinkling his monster dust on the balloon

    Well that’s certainly an… interesting euphemism.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    “But that thing’s got a lot of air in it.”

    I love it when the Stus become story-aware.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lightning could only gaze at the giant balloon wishing he could tell if his friends really were in there and if they were safe.

    Where else would they be, exactly? He saw them sucked into the balloon, and never saw them leave.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Who knows what is happening to Lightning out there?”

    Goeth: Well I imagine Rep-Stallion knows. And Lighting.

    Given their cognitive capacities, I doubt it.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    “There’s too much air…!” cried Krysta “This balloon is really driving me crazy!”

    Goeth: *Snort* Too much air. Are you still on your feet? Then it’s not a matter of there being too much oxygen or carbon dioxide. Too much air. Yes Mykan, please tell us how you’ve managed to day the laws of physics and have there be more matter in a single space than should be physically possible. You meant too much wind you daft anti-intellectual

    You forgot about the possibility of the air pressure being too high… causing the capillaries in their lungs to burst and drowning them slowly and painfully in their own blood and mucus…

  14. The Crowbar says:

    I want it to land on “Set an orphanage on fire,” for once.

    Whoah!

    Nora has some kinky dreams.

  15. The Crowbar says:

    “He will then, when I bring him Lightning Dawn.” said Rep-Stallion

    when = if, ofcourse.

    And “bring” in 15 million quote marks. If the competence of these guys is anything to go by, Lightning is going to be bringing Rep to him instead.

  16. The Crowbar says:

    Ert: Yeah I’m a fanboy, what about it?

    Indeed. Dark Souls be gud.

    I have a new favorite game and I have also learned that I am a masochist. Zweihander FTW!

  17. The Crowbar says:

    Someone who was bullied would not want to do some bring darkness to the world crap.

    Also, even if he happened to snap completely and want to destroy the world just to get back at the bullies, aren’t those guys long dead by now?

  18. The Crowbar says:

    Goeth: Nope, it’s tacky. *Loads heat seeking missile.”

    Blow his ass up!

    We’re having unicorn stew tonite’, WHOOOO!

  19. The Crowbar says:

    Big-Blowout!

    Whu-wat?

    What is that monster thing supposed to be?

    I mean, I COULD make a joke, but…

  20. The Crowbar says:

    and he raised his scythe, “This ought to loosen their grip- SCYTHE SLASH WAVE…!”

    *HURK*

    Good God, you are all terrible at combat. Shut your trap and BISECT them with your scythe already!

  21. The Crowbar says:

    Lightning felt this heart ripping in half. “He… He ate them!” he cried as tears of anger and sadness form in his eyes.

    It’s a hot air balloon.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Goeth: And then Brian howled in agony as the air seared away at his flesh, second degree burns appearing all over his body, quickly developing into third degree burns. In that moment he knew that he was doomed, as third degree burns on as little as 10% of the body could be fatal.

      Are hot air balloons actually that hot inside?

      • erttheking says:

        Ert: Well it’s got to be pretty freaking hot. Also this is a MONSTER hot air balloon, remember that.

      • GhostCat says:

        According to Google, the maximum continuous operating temperature for most hot air balloons is 250 degrees Fahrenheit. It would literally be boiling hot inside a balloon.

      • erttheking says:

        Yay! I made a comment without doing any research and didn’t make an ass of myself!

      • The Crowbar says:

        Hah!

        …Wait, you’re serious? We do research before commenting?

        Oops.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Now, keep in mind that is air and not water, so its specific heat (and the thermal energy it can impart to living tissue per unit time) will be much lower, akin to sticking your hand in an oven as opposed to boiling water.

        It’s still lethal, but they might die of heatstroke before burns.

        Of course, they are also slamming up against the sides of the balloon, and the thermal properties of this indestructible fabric are an unknown quantity, so it’s possible that could burn them.

      • GhostCat says:

        If they’re breathing in air that hot it would probably do some significant damage to their lungs as well, so they could suffocate.

  22. The Crowbar says:

    Ert: THE ORGASM LAUGH NOT HELPING!

    What if Titan’s minions get orgasms from seeing other people cry?

    They wouldn’t stand a chance once that weakness is discovered.

  23. The Crowbar says:

    His friends were count on him, but he didn’t what to do for them.

    Up until now I had no idea that there was a Grammar Nazi sleeping deep in the recesses of my mind.

    Now it is rampaging.

  24. meeshybee says:

    Krysta and Lightning decided to go along, and as soon as they climbed aboard did brain unfasten the lines holding them down, “Right…! Away we go…” and the balloon slowly began to rise up into the air.

    Any bets they somehow get trapped in the balloon because they forget they can just fly out of it?

  25. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: He did the what on the who in the where? Where are we? Are we in Blue? Did Blue become the formless void?

    Oh gods, is the prophecy finally coming to fruition!? Is the void and Blue joining into one!?

    Let us consult the prophecy:

    “Look upon the lack of definition ye writers and despair.” Nothing else is apparent.

  26. TacoMagic says:

    Up an in with a balloon

    Nora: Well that makes total sense.

    Ert: I’m struggling to even turn it into an innuendo, and it feels like it should be easy.

    Well, if you’ve got a balloon and an inflation fetish, there are any number of orifices that-

    *Mauled by raptors*

  27. TacoMagic says:

    *Sigh* Yeah that bullshit. I hate it when stories do this. Even in stories I utterly adore like Legend of Zelda and Fire Emblem. “Bringing darkness,” ok what the fuck does that even mean?

    That’s an issue I have with a lot of plots, really. Villains that crave power and go around conquering things without any real point or purpose beyond just wanted to have more. But what’s the end game here? When you finally win, then what? You sit on top of the pile? No matter how good or smart a villain seems to be written, if they have no motivation beyond attaining more power, they really come off as shallow and pointless at the end of the day.

    Really good villains, and by good I mean compelling, have a reason. Despite the many, many flaws of the character, at least Emperor Palpatine did have a reason for creating the Empire. He wanted stability. Oh sure, he definitely wanted power, wealth, and whatnot to go along with it, but his end game was to have a unified and ordered Galaxy. So, beyond everything else, at least he had a freaking goal.

  28. TacoMagic says:

    Goeth: I know, but I was created by a writer. *Holds up pen and paper* and you know how people follow examples.

    Goeth is writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth writing a story about Goeth….

    • "Lyle" says:

      *hip-throws Taco into the shark-jump tank*

      • Santa: Okay, a shark being more lethal than plasma weaponry makes sense if I squint a lot. I’ll just accept it.

        Diesel: Good, my apprentice. You’re learning.

        Santa: Stop. You may be a Jedi but I’m a doctor. I can order your abilities to stop affecting me and they’ll obey.

        Diesel: *Force chokes Santa, crushing his windpipe*

        Santa: It’s bad for your health to negatively affect me. Stop it now; doctor’s orders!

        Diesel: Damn. When did you become so powerful.

        Santa: When I decided I needed to complete with you guys and your mental powers.

        Diesel: What did Geronimo do?

        Santa: She modded her Lightning Reflexes perk to affect all attacks. Stupid easily modded fabric of reality.

  29. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Goeth: Is Rep-Stallion trying to tempt him to the dark side?

    No, no. That is quite alright. The light can keep that one.

  30. TacoMagic says:

    Goeth: I didn’t realize the PCC had expanded into developing personal powers.

    That’s one of the weird things about the PCC. As soon as you realize that you need a service that they don’t provide, it turns out that not only do they provide the service, but they always have.

  31. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Ert: Why does this scene remind me of something?

    [Pic]

    Ert: Crunchy’s gonna be pissed.

    • GhostCat says:

      :Walks in with a folding chair, covered bowl, and a long-handled toasting fork. Sets up chair, sits down, and then takes a wiggling marshmallow eel out of the bowl and skewers it on the fork before holding it out towards Crunchy:

  32. "Lyle" says:

    Ert: I considered making an Undertale joke but I’m not souring that game with a comparison to this drek. No more than I already have that is.

    Yes, please don’t.


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