1335: Samurai Jack meets Batman Beyond – Chapters 5 & 6Posted: February 19, 2016
Welcome back, Patrons! I’ve returned…
I mean… :sighs deeply: We’ve returned with another pair of chapters for this clusterfic.
“You just made that word up. You complained the last time I did that.”
I’m a Librarian, we’re allowed to make up words.
“How convenient for you.”
Just drop it, Syl. So what happened last time?
“Everyone wandered around in the desert until a cyclone picked them up and tossed them into their boss arenas.”
There was also a tiny attempt to introduce the characters with the briefest character synopses possible. At the end of last week’s final chapter, Jack and Terry/Batman had made it to the invisible secret desert base.
“Two whole chapters, and that’s all there was to them.”
Kind of sad, isn’t?
“If you mean the pathetic kind of sad, then yes. It is sadthetic.”
Stop it. Let’s see if the next chapter is any better.
That’s the spirit!
Snake Eyes was on his own. After the tornado divided up the gang of heroes everyone got separated.
:Syl sits bolt upright and watches the door:
Sorry, I don’t think they’re coming. The DRD has been giving you a wide berth for the past few weeks.
“They just can’t appreciate a woman of my gauge.”
I think that’s supposed to be ‘caliber’, not gauge.
“No, thanks. I don’t care for guns much. They lack that personal touch.”
Some were lucky and still had a companion to help them out if there was trouble.
Could you at least try to be nice for five seconds?
“We both know the answer to that.”
But Snake Eyes was just fine with this either way. He was used to being on his own even after joining Terry’s resistance. This would prove to be no exception.
Snake Eyes is the most ambivalent ninja ever.
“Reminds me of that shiny-whatever who is always hanging around you.”
Who, Shinobi-san? I guess that’s accurate; Shinobi-san works equally well alone and with a team.
“And never talks.”
I’m fairly certain Shinobi-san’s silence isn’t for the same reasons, though. I don’t think the clan even has a helicopter.
He received Terry’s message but since he couldn’t respond he just acknowledged it and made his way to the base.
He’s mute, as in he doesn’t have the ability to talk.
So shouldn’t his communicator have a way for him to, y’know, communicate without speaking? Even cell phones can text!
After walking for a short distance Snake Eyes came across what looked like eight basket hats lying in the sand.
Hey, look; it’s a thing!
“Many things, all alike.”
Before he had a chance to investigate them the hats quickly changed into beings the likes of which Snake Eyes had never seen before: eight robots that all glowed at him with sharp red eyes.
So the things did a thing and are now different things.
:takes out pocket watch: “I should have time to take a quick nap before things get interesting, right?”
You could probably hibernate until spring if you’re waiting for things to get interesting.
” You are the ninja called Snake Eyes.”
“Aku has sent us with the task of destroying you.”
But … how?
But Snake Eyes and the others were picked up by a tornado and scattered; there was no way to control where each character went so how did Aku know to place these robots here with orders to attack Snake Eyes?
“I told you – evil magic.”
:sighs: I guess it’s a slightly better excuse than ‘because blue’.
Snake Eyes said nothing and just stood there and calculated in his mind what to do next.
“We see you are eager to do this.”
“This Snake Eyes, he’s completely silent and dressed from head to toe in his ninja gear so that no part of his face or body is visible?”
The narration doesn’t really describe his physical appearance, but all the pictures I’ve found of him online (except for certain NSFW fanart) depict him wearing a concealing costume.
“So how do these automatons know he is eager to fight them?”
:shrugs: Dunno. They’re robots so it’s possible that they could pick up an increased heart rate or other biological signs, but the narration doesn’t mention exactly how they know.
Sure, why not?
One of the robots unleashed a barrage of shuriken towards Snake Eyes. They seemed to hit their target and Snake Eyes went down.
“He’s going down on the robots? What a waste.”
:Ghostie chokes on her coffee:
However when the robot that fired them went over to inspect Snake Eyes sprung to life and threw them at the robot, slicing him to pieces.
… I have no idea what just happened.
“I think Snake Eyes just threw the robots at themselves and that somehow cut Snake Eyes into pieces.”
But that makes no sense! Which is par for the course, really.
The other robots charged in. One unleashed a torrent of flame but Snake Eyes was too fast for it.
:headdesk: Is it a prerequisite that the Stus in this fic all be faster than frickin’ fire?
“At least he’s not standing inside an easily burned building, like the last time someone tried this nonsense.”
That’s true, although I’m not ruling out the sand being flammable just yet.
Another of the robots that had two Gatling guns for hands began to fire but Snake Eyes dodged them with ease as well.
Either these are the worst assassin-bots ever, or Snake Eyes is secretly Superman.
“They are really bad assassins, I wouldn’t be surprised if they circled Snake Eyes and he defeated them by ducking and letting the crossfire take care of things for him.”
It’s sad, really; if these are the robots I’m thinking of, the Ultra-robots, then they are a part of the SJ canon and were very formidable opponents. They were built from a super-strong alloy, adamantium, programmed specifically to defeat Jack’s fighting style, and infused with Aku’s essence.
Then Snake Eyes pulled out his weapon.
“This might prove interesting after all.”
I don’t think it’s that kind of ‘weapon’, Syl.
“Shhh…” :presses a finger against Ghostie’s lips: “Don’t spoil my fun.”
Please don’t touch me.
From what the robots were told Snake Eyes carried a regular sword similar to Jack’s in terms of quality.
“Snake Eyes carries a copy of Jack’s sword. What part of that is difficult to understand?”
But … But … But Jack’s katana is unique! It was forged by the gods contains a portion of his father’s soul! You can’t copy that!
They were confident that their armor would protect them from any attacks from the ancient weapon.
If these are the Ultra-robots then that could be true since they were made of an alloy so strong that Jack couldn’t cut through without a robot arm providing assistance.
“I thought this holy-powered sword of his could cut through anything?”
It can, but he didn’t have the physical strength necessary to do the job.
“Oh, like giving a baby a scalpel?”
… Why would you want to do that?
“They like playing with shiny things!”
But what they didn’t know was that upon coming to this timeline, Terry had given Snake Eyes a new weapon: one that was better suited for slicing through metal.
Better than Jack’s katana? He can cut through entire robots! Even the Ultra-robots once he gets the arm.
Snake Eye’s weapon emitted a strange humming sound and sprang to life before the eyes of the robots. They could see that the blade was blue. For the first time in their existence, the robots felt fear.
“The sword is blue? That’s strange.”
Oh, fuckballs. It’s either Sting, in which case Kitty is going to have kittens, or it’s a lightsaber.
“Kind of hoping for the first one.”
Leave her alone. She’s suffering enough with Celebrian.
“But … kittens!”
She’s not really a cat, you know.
Snake Eyes leaped up into the air. With one slash he cleaved the flamethrower robot in half. Within a blink he was moving again. One of the robots fired a cable at him but he dodged it and upon hitting the ground the cable exploded. He then charged at the cable robot and cut him into four pieces.
Two of the robots charged at him: one had buzz saws for hands and the other had enlarged hands. They attacked Snake Eyes from different directions and were almost able to score a hit on him. Snake Eyes ducked so low that he faced the robot’s legs, which he severed. He then proceeded to cut them up.
Four robots were left now. One fired its claw like hands which cut into Snake Eye’s uniform and caused him to bleed. He winced in pain but gathered his senses. The robot fired its other hand but Snake Eyes dodged and used his lightsaber to cut the hand off at the chain. He then sliced the head off the robot. One of the robots began to fire its Gatling gun but reacting fast Snake Eyes blocked them with his blade and sent them back to the robot, which tore through him.
Two robots now remained. One fired his flamethrower at Snake Eyes which he was barely able to avoid. When the smoke cleared Snake Eyes was nowhere to be seen. The robot looked all over for him, not thinking to look behind him. Snake Eyes stabbed the robot in the abdomen and oil came flowing out. Snake pulled his lightsaber free and looked at the remaining robot. He had his sword out and knew his chances were slim. Still, he nonetheless charged at Snake Eyes who leaped straight up and cleaved the robot in two. Snake Eyes looked around to make sure all enemies were gone. Afterwards he turned his lightsaber off and put it back in the compartment he held it in. Then he began to make his way towards the secret base. Within forty minutes he was there.
:Ghostie repeatedly headdesks:
“What’s your problem? It wasn’t all that bad.”
Do you want to know why? This is plot regurgitation! It’s the final battle between Jack and the Ultra-robots, minus any sort of dramatic tension that existed when Jack’s robotic arm lost power. It’s a barebones version lacking the style and visual appeal of the original, but it is essentially the same fight. The ending changed a bit, the final Ultra-robot thought it was going to win since it was facing a powerless Jack who was praying to his ancestors to give him strength, but everything else is the same.
“So no cleaving in two?”
Oh, he chopped that asshole in half, but only after being struck with divine lightning bolt. Jack destroyed the fragments of Aku that were powering the Ultra-robots as well, the author skipped over that bit.
“But managed to give Snake Eyes’ exact traveling time to the secret base.”
Too bad he’ll have to wait twenty minutes to do anything; it took Terry and Jack an hour to get to the same place.
Now that the first horrible fight scene is out of the way, let’s move on to the next chapter!
“Do we have to? Let’s just go down to the pub instead.”
Later. I’m a semi-professional, you know.
:Syl snorts so hard she lapses into a coughing fit:
Ben was separated from the rest of his party. He got the call from Terry and was told to make his way to the base by his own. The only problem was that the only thing separating him from the base was a long stretch of desert.
Half-assed attempt to set the scene – check! Now to introduce the arena boss…
After a few minutes he thought he heard something. Almost like, someone was there.
It’s just the wind.
“And the arena boss.”
“Is someone there? Hello? Is that you Sora?”
I’m sure he’ll show up eventually to help you tag-team the boss.
“What makes you say that?”
Ben called another character by name, so that character has to make an appearance. Them’s the rules.
No one answered. Ben’s fears began to get the better of him.
Dude. You can turn into a thousand different aliens. Grow a pair.
“There should be a setting for that on his watch-thing, right?”
I don’t think the Omnitrix lets you change selective parts.
He walked a few steps forward and without thinking presses down on his omnitrix and transformed into Humungousaur.
“No idea what that is.”
“A giant lizard thing that looks a bit like it is stitched together from scrotum skin?”
…Thank you for that.
Then he pressed down again and transformed into the ultimate version.
“This is different from what he was before?”
As the different series progressed, Ben received the ability to transform into “ultimate” versions of his aliens; they’re like super-charged versions with additional powers. Like so:
“Now it looks like a diseased scrotum with pointy growths all over it.”
Please stop talking.
As soon as he was transformed he began firing rounds of bullets off into space.
“Look whoever’s out there just show yourself!”
He’s a teenaged boy, they aren’t known for possessing an abundance of tact and self-restraint.
Ben saw a figure appear before him but, oddly, instead of standing on the ground, he was floating.
“Question; can he turn into anything that flies or floats?”
I think so.
“Then why is this surprising?”
Because … Evil magic?
“I see in all this time your aim hasn’t improved at all, has it Ben?”
A chill ran down Ben’s neck. That voice, could it be…?
The figure stepped out and revealed itself. Ben’s fears were confirmed.
“Stepped out of where? He’s in the middle of the desert!”
Must be another one of those convenient trees nearby.
“Danny? Is that you?”
“Not anymore. The boy you knew as Danny Phantom is long gone. Now I serve Aku.”
“But how did this happen?”
And more importantly, how do you know who Danny Phantom is?
“They’re both teenagers with weird powers, don’t all teenagers with weird powers congregate together?”
Maybe in some universes, but they are from two different canons. I can’t find any official crossover between the two, even though there’s a ton of fanfics and fanart for the subject.
“You remember that time when Aku captured me and you guys never came to rescue me?
:Syl and Ghostie look at each other:
I’m drawing a blank as well. As far as I know, there was never a crossover between Danny Phantom and Samurai Jack. I can’t even find any fanfics or fanart regarding such a crossover, which is rare. After the fics I’ve found, I thought there was a fanfic or fanart for any conceivable pairing.
Well Aku went to my dimension and pulled out my old foe Vlad. He then combined my ghost powers with Vlad’s evil ghost persona. Guess which side won? After the transformation, Aku infected me with his evil so I wouldn’t attack him like his other subjects. Also increased my strength as well.”
:Ghostie headdesks repeatedly:
“Are you going to start moping again?”
It’s more plot regurgitation! Sort of. In the Danny Phantom canon, there was an instance with a divergent timeline where Vlad, at Danny’s request, extracted his ghost half. It went evil, yanked Vlad’s ghost half out of him, and proceeded to take over the world. It’s also heavily implied that Evil Danny killed his defenseless human half.
“Doesn’t sound like he would need any help from Aku.”
No, Evil Danny did just fine on his own.
“Danny, you don’t want to do this. Come on we were friends once.”
I don’t know how, they’re from two different universes so there isn’t really a way for them to interact with each other.
“They could be trans-dimensional pen pals. I receive regular mail from my home dimension; my apprentice likes to send me updates and the occasional boudoir photo.”
That’s more information than I really needed to have.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong Ben: I do want to do this.”
Danny then charged at Ben and delivered a kidney punch that sent Ben flying. Ben recovered and began to fire his guns. Danny simply turned invisible and the bullets passed right through him.
:huffs: “Fucking ghosts, nothing but cheaters.”
Like you wouldn’t do the same thing if you had that power.
“This is true, but then that makes my argument for me. I never fight fair.”
“Hah! You’re just as pathetic now as you were when I first met you.”
I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.
Danny then disappeared into the ground. Ben looked everywhere for him. Then Danny rose up from behind Ben and delivered another painful blow. Ben took longer to recover but got up just the same.
This. Is so. BORING!
“I’d rather go back to the basket-robot fight. That at least had some action.”
Probably because it was plot regurgitation. This looks like an original scene, so it’s probably going to suffer from the same pacing problems as the rest of the fic.
Then pressed the center of his chest and turned into another alien. “Big Chill.”
“Ah fighting ghost with ghost. Not too bad Tennyson.”
“He can turn into a ghost?”
Apparently. Or an alien with similar ghost-like powers.
“Why the hell didn’t he do that earlier?”
Big Chill fired an ice beam at Danny which surprisingly hit its mark and froze him.
“Bullets pass right through him, but the cold affects him? That’s a bullshit weakness.”
One that shouldn’t exist; even if he’s frozen solid in a block of ice, he should be able to phase through the ice and get free.
But it turns out that the one Ben froze was just a copy of Danny. He had never been fighting the real one the whole time.
“He can clone himself? How is that a ghost power?”
Not really a clone, it’s sort of an astral copy of himself. It takes an enormous amount of concentration and effort of will to pull off. Regular Danny isn’t very good at it, but Dark Danny was pretty good at it; he likely inherited the ability from Vlad’s ghost half, since Vlad was able to maintain numerous copies of himself.
Ben turned around and looked right at Danny.
“If he thought he was fighting the real Danny, how did he know where to turn to instantly find Evil Danny?”
The plot demanded that he do so?
“You’re good kid, I’ll give you that.” Then Danny unleashed his ghost wail.
“Is that what he calls it? How cute.”
Get your mind out of the gutter. The ghostly wail is a sonic weapon, similar to the Black Canary’s cry.
“I don’t know who that is.”
Ben’s ear began to hurt and eventually was forced to his knees.
“It only hurt one of his ears? That’s an oddly focused weapon.”
Or the author is really bad at this.
“It’s probably that.”
Then he transformed back into Ben and fell to the floor. Danny walked up to him and put his foot over Ben’s head.
“Say good night.”
“Evil Danny is terrible at this. Do you call that a taunt? It’s disgraceful!”
Woah, settle down. It’s no big deal.
“No big deal? He’s taunting his vanquished enemy at the moment of his victory! There are procedures to follow!”
You have surprisingly strong feelings about this.
:sniffs: “It’s about standards, Ghostie. Even a malevolent entity should take some pride in their work.”
But before Danny could bring his foot down he was struck from behind with a bolt of electricity. Then yellow flowers appeared over Ben and he felt rejuvenated.
“… What just happened?”
No idea. I assume it’s something from one of the canons I’m not that familiar with. The electricity probably means Cole in near, but the flowers are a new one for me.
“But why would electricity hurt a ghost?”
I guess it was time for the good guys to start winning.
“Thanks Sora. I owe you one.”
“Thank Cole. He’s the one who found you.”
“Hey, you were right!”
I’m going to guess the flowers are a game mechanic from Kingdom Hearts, Taco can probably fill us in on the specifics.
“Hey guys less talking more fighting!” said Cole.
Ben looked at Sora with a serious face. “Go for it!”
“Does Sora have ghost powers?”
I don’t think so. He has some kind of magical abilities, but I’m not sure exactly what he can do.
“Then why is he the only choice for an opponent?”
:Ghostie shrugs: This is beyond my area of expertise.
Sora reached deep within himself and channeled all his energy outward. Then his body became covered with light. When the light cleared, Cole and Ben had vanished, Sora’s clothes had turned silver and black, and he was wielding two Keyblades.
“Did the kid just take out two of his own teammates?”
Maybe Sky Boy is secretly working for Aku?
“I thought his name was Sora?”
Sora means, among other things, ‘sky’ in Japanese.
“Does that in any way help explain what happened to the two guys or why Sora has another weapon?”
“Then why even mention it?”
Then Sora unleashed the Keyblades with his mind towards Danny which began to hit him in rapid succession.
“Good for Evil Danny; he’s fighting back. I hope he wins.”
I don’t think that’s what is happening, but it could be. This sentence isn’t very well-structured.
After a few hits Sora pulled his Keyblades back and unleashed the spell thundaga which struck Danny.
“He did what?”
I think it’s time to Google.
:short Google break:
Okay, it looks like “thundaga’ is a spell that summons thunder and lightning to strike the wielder’s enemies, and Donald uses it to wake up Goofy.
“I found the same spell in a Final Fantasy wiki, there’s a note that it is Black Magic but otherwise it has similar lightning-summoning abilities.”
Either way, it’s Thor time!
“That doesn’t have anything to do with this thundaga business.”
Are you complaining?
“No, just pointing out the obvious.”
Then the Keyblades began to hit Danny a few more times until Sora finished up with one final assault which caused an explosion. When the dust cleared Danny was panting.
So glad you took the time to explain what was going on or otherwise I’d be confused and might stop paying attention.
“I stopped paying attention weeks ago.”
“Well at least one of you has improved. You win this battle Sora. But know that we will meet again.” And Danny turned invisible and disappeared.
“Did Evil Danny just remember he can do that? Because if he had vanished like that earlier then none of that thundering nonsense could have touched him.”
But then Sora wouldn’t have had an excuse to … do whatever it was he did that made Cole and Ben evaporate.
“I fail to see how that’s a good thing.”
“That would be a good thing, if they stay gone. This fic has too many people in it.”
Sora reverted from Final Form and Ben and Cole ran up to him.
“Damn it all, they’re still here.”
Wait a second, what’s a Final Form?
:Ghostie returns to Google:
Oh, so that thing where he exploded and destroyed his companions, and that somehow made him change costumes and gain another weapon is a game mechanic/upgrade thing.
“Judging by the title, I gather it’s an impressive transformation?”
Let’s see… According to the wiki it “represents Sora’s final completion” and also “consumes both companions.”
“That would mean that the vanishing idiots were part of the game mechanic as well.”
Looks like that’s the case. On one hand, now it kind of makes sense that they vanished and he took on this new appearance, but on the other hand – it’s a game mechanic. Those don’t work outside of games, and they definitely don’t make sense in a written work.
“Especially when the writer half-asses everything and no one in the audience has any idea what’s going on.”
There’s that, too. I’m also kind of wondering why the author felt the need to have Sora jump immediately to this Final Form thing at the first hint of trouble from a minor enemy rather than waiting for a more formidable opponent. Cole’s lightning was (for whatever unexplained reason) affecting Evil Danny, but instead of pursuing that avenue they group unanimously decided to reduce their force by two-thirds so that Sora could scare Evil Danny away with a few lighting bolts – which Cole could have done just as easily.
“This doesn’t bode well for their eventual face-off with Aku.”
Meh. They’ll probably emerge triumphant, even though they share one of the hallmarks of every Stu and Sue that wanders through the Library; the inability to manage their available resources wisely.
“Sora! Was that Danny Phantom? What happened to him?” asked Cole.
He disappeared. Ghosts do that. Weren’t you paying attention?
“He vanished so that Sora could be a show-off.”
“Unfortunately. And let’s just say that the guy we knew as Danny is long gone.”
“That makes no sense. ‘Unfortunately’ doesn’t answer the question of what happened to Danny.”
I think the author prefers to get all of one character’s dialogue out of the way before moving on to another so that they don’t have to keep track of attribution. That’s a new level of lazy.
And with that they continued onward to the secret base. It wasn’t long until they reached it and saw Rex, Terry, Snake Eyes, and Jack waiting for them there.
And it probably took them less than an hour, since that tornado seems to have deposited everyone roughly the same distance from the secret base.
That’s it for these two chapters, see you next time with another pair!