1333: Legaia If Life Allows – Chapter One

Title: Legaia If Life Allows
Author: Vick330
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Legaia
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Legaia If Life Allows
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Howdy doodly do, noble patrons!  So, as a way to finish off my one-shot gauntlet, I figured I’d do a bit of a mini-project before sinking my teeth into something more substantial.  In this case, I found a short little two-fic, ten-chapter flurry of bad based on Legend of Legaia.

For those unfamiliar, Legend of Legaia is a Playstation RPG released by Sony in 1998.  The basic premise is pretty standard: you’ve got a group of adventurers who are trying to stop the end of the world.  Despite the rather cliché main plot, the game is actually really good; definitely worth a play for JRPG aficionados.  The thing Legaia brings to the table and makes it most memorable is the martial arts-based combo system that allows you to string together moves for extra damage in combat.  But, of course, that doesn’t matter for a fic, or at least it shouldn’t.  So let’s talk about the plot instead.  There are spoilers ahead, so you may want to skip to the first block quote if you wish to avoid such.

The game follows three characters, Vahn, Noa, and Gala.  In world of Legaia, there once was a symbiotic relationship between Humans and Seru (which are a kind of magical creature/object).  When joined with a Seru, a human gains what is essentially super hero powers.  A human joined with a Seru is stronger, more durable, and can cast magic.  However, ten years before the start of the game, a mysterious mist coats the land.  The issue here is that when a Seru comes in contact with the mist, it goes insane and transforms into a wild, aggressive creature, and if a human bound to a Seru comes in contact with the mist, they turn into what is essentially a zombie with super powers.  Ten years later, most Seru have succumbed to the mist, the world is roamed by savage mist-dwelling monsters, and humanity is teetering on the brink of extinction, with the remaining survivors clustered in protected villages.

At the start of the game, the home of the main protagonist, Vahn, is invaded by Seru and the Mist.  Stuff happens and he ends up binding to a special kind of holy, intelligent Seru called a Ra-Seru, in this case named Meta.  Vahn gathers the villagers and, with the help of Meta, they revive the Genesis tree that was in the center of town.  The genesis tree pushes back the mist and destroys the wild Seru.  From here, Vahn ventures out and eventually joins forces with Noa and Gala, who are also Ra-Seru symbiots.  They travel around the world of Legaia reviving genesis trees, destroying the mist generators, and trying to discover why all this happened in the first place.

Eventually, you learn that it was all caused by Cort, the prince of Conkram, who also happens to be Noa’s older brother.  More stuff happens and eventually Cort is defeated and he is turned back into an infant through the combined power of the Ra-Seru.  In the process of saving the world, the connection to the Seru’s home dimension is severed, causing all those in Legaia to die out, leaving the world to humanity.  At the end of the game, Noa leaves with Cort to go raise him as her own, planning to help him acquire some kind of redemption with his second chance.

As the game closes, Vahn is leaving town and is asked why he’s leaving.  At this point the player gets to chose an answer which determines which ending you see.  I mention this because this fic actually takes place after the end of the game, so which ending is chosen matters.

I could go into a full SC-level info dump from here, but the game actually has a fairly intricate plot and I don’t want to be sitting here all day regurgitating it.  And, well, most of that plot isn’t going to matter for this fic anyway.  I’ll just tackle important points of canon as they become relevant.  If they become relevant.

So, where do we start?  With the summary!

After the game’s ending, destiny has been cruel to Noa. Vahn goes on a journey to find her. Last chapter is sure to leave you with a happy feeling. Completed

Well, at least half of that is kind of a summary.  Sort of.  Basically it only clues you in that this is probably based on the Noa ending and then goes into some irrelevant details hinting at wish fulfillment.  Not the worst summary out there, but not good by any stretch.  Let’s soldier on into the fic and see what it has to offer!

If life allows me

a Legend of Legaia fanfic

by Vick330 (the MadScientist)

Ooookay?  You do know that the fic header already has most of this information, right?  It’s even on the screen right now.  I can see it right there. *points*

***** Foreword *****

*Jaw drops*

Dare I hope that this author will do an actual forward and not plop in author’s notes with each chapter?  Is the dream now reality!?

Two things inspired this fic.

I’m hoping that at least one of them is the game.

That might seem like a joke, but it’s actually the cost of being genre savvy.

First, my girlfriend dared me to write a romantic story (usually I’m more at ease with humor), and since I am very much in love with her, I am taking a shot at it.

Trouble brewin’.

I’m not saying branching out from what you’re used to writing is a bad thing.  In fact, it’s a great thing for stretching your boundaries.  But, posting the result rarely ends well.

In second place, I was disappointed with the game’s ending, so I decided to imagine a conclusion more to my liking.

Believe it or not, I can actually agree with this, and I’m hoping for the same reason.  The ending in Legend of Legaia is painfully short.  With as long as the game is, the ending, no matter which you pick, is really pathetic.  Really, they felt like a rushed afterthought.

And the second game isn’t any help because it’s a sequel in the same way that Final Fantasy games are sequels.  Same franchise and themes, but different world/characters/whathaveyou.

I dedicate this story to my beloved, blue-eyed sunshine, and also to all hopeless dreamers that, like myself, think that Love conquers all.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Also, given what I’ve seen of the first chapter here, I’m just gonna start this right now:

*SLAM*

Rippin’ Shit Off: 1

Though I guess if you’re going to rip something off, you might as well go with the classics.

These kinds of the over-dramatic, starry-eyed, worship-based relationships always end really, really well.  I’ll dare to hope that it’s the author not knowing what the hell he’s doing with a romance fic and just assuming people want to read these kinds of nauseating platitudes.

Also a possibility: the author knew his girlfriend would read that and he’s fishing for some sex.  In which case: hope you got sex, man.  *Fistbump*

***** WARNING *****

GAH!

*Falls out of his chair*

Warn me before you warn me like that!

The following story has mild sexual content (in chapter 4), it is an important part of the story, and not there for its own sake.

Uh, why do you need to include this?  You rated this thing M.  The rating is even still on the screen with the other stuff.  *Points*

If you are in any way disturbed by such material, please refrain from reading any further, as it is not my intention to offend anyone. Thank you.

You heard the man.  If a mildly suggestive scene disturbs you, get out now!  Also, you might want to step away from the internet and avoid television.

***** Disclaimer *****

Well, at least you didn’t shout it at me this time, I’ll count it as progress.

I don’t own Legend Of Legaia, or its characters, and frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn, I’m writing about it anyway.

*SLAM*

Rippin’ Shit Off: 2

Hey, at least he seems to realize that fanfiction is, by its very nature, copyright infringement.  Pity that knowledge didn’t prevent the disclaimer, but I’ll take what I can get here.

***** Prologue *****

Seriously, you can stop that any time now.

*Looks down*

Well… shit.

“If life allows me
But one insanity
Let it be my Love
My crazy Love for you

And should I lose life
In a moment, in an instant
Let me be filled forever
By you, sweet you”

(Poem to Noa, by Vahn)

Well, at least it’s an original poem and not song lyrics ripped from something.  I’ll take that as a small mercy.

Even so, THAT’S NOT A FUCKING PROLOGUE!  That, at best, is a chapter intro.  You know, those little quotes that some authors put at the start of every chapter?  Yeah, one of those.

Otherwise, that’s a mediocre poem at best.  But then, it was supposedly written by a dude who has only ever really concentrated on martial arts, so mediocre poetry is actually expected in this case.  In fact, it’s probably better than it should be given the source.

***** Chapter 1 – Shattered Dreams *****

Wait a damn minute.  *Looks back up at the top of the page*  Yeah, let’s put that up here.

Chapter 1: Broken Dreams

Author, how did you fuck that up?  I can see them both on the same page.  *Points*

And we finally arrive at the fic proper.  It’s been a long journey getting to this point, hasn’t it?

The red-haired girl finally collapsed on the rock pile, from sheer exhaustion.

*Snags the spare comma and pockets it*

Never know when that’s going to come in handy.

“Finally”?  You can’t use the word “finally” in the first sentence of your fic like that!  We have no context!  Yeah, yeah, in medias res and all that, but even so, you don’t just drop a “finally” without any context at all!

Two whole days, she had been piling them, as a funeral monument, for what remained of her brother.

*Crams more commas into his pocket*

Is comma abuse actually going to be a thing here?  I don’t think I’ve ever had a fic do that before.

So wait, it took her two days to make a cairn?  Would something simple like that really take two-

steenman Garvera

Oh. Okay, author, you win this round.

Bitter tears made grooves under her eyes, in the dirt and soot on her face.

See, this is why I shore up my eyes and plant grass and trees along the lids.  Otherwise the face erosion can turn those little grooves into deep face canyons.

See, this is where comma abuse rears up and bites you, author.  *Crams another comma into his pocket*

Why was it that tears never dried up?

Dude, it’s been two days of constantly thinking about your dead brother while you work on the cairn.  Maybe give yourself some grieving time before wondering about the tear deluge.

Why was the pain in her heart, greater than that in her joints?

*Crams another comma in his pocket*

And we immediately start to wander into Trajek territory.  Not boding well, guys.

On the plus side, I only need three more for Sue bingo!

Why had the fates been so cruel to her?

That’s not a hard question to answer:  The Moirae sisters are jerks.

MoiraeSistersWide

Yeah, you three can just fuck the hell off.

Uncontrollable sobs raked her body. Infinite grief clouded her soul.

Hold up a second.

Okay, you can continue.

There had been a time, when she thought that, even if all was not perfect, she could still be happy.

*Tries to cram more commas in his pocket, but finds them overflowing*

Swenia!  Get in here, I need to put something in your bra!

*A plasma pulse streaks through the doorway, narrowly missing Taco before blowing a hole in the wall*

Could probably have phrased that better.

Alone, once more, unloved and unwanted, hated even, her heart ached, and the tears ran free.

Sweet crap, author, we get it!  Much depressing, very sadness.  Can we move on?  I think the dead horse has suffered enough!

*Starts piling up commas on the table*  No, I’m not letting the spare punctuation box have these.  Who knows when the next ID fic will find its way into my queue?

Eighteen months ago, she had picked Cort from the remains of the Bio-Castle.

Uhh, you mean from the remains of Juggernaut, right?  Bio-Castle is the area name, but it’s just the inside of the Juggernaut.  Nobody in Legaia would have used the term Bio-Castle because it’s a name only needed for a game mechanic.

A defenseless baby, he needed her, and she had decided to protect and care for him.

So, it’s looking like we’re in Noa’s point of view and her baby brother, Cort, has died from… something.  That’s actually kind of dark.  An interesting direction to go, though.  Definitely has merit if you could hold yourself back from all the melodrama.

Leaving Rim Elm, without a word of farewell to Vahn, had been hard.

*Piles more commas on the table*

Commas are not sentence seasoning!   Nor is your fic better for making everyone think Shatner is narrating it!

But he was spoken for, betrothed to Mei, unavailable.

Taken, promised to another, engaged, seeing someone, in love with Mei.

See, I can make lists too!

It had been better this way, for him anyway. Still, she had ached for him, longed for his presence, wept for what could never be.

Wait, so are we sad about Cort dying, or are we sad about a romance that could never be?  Those two things really shouldn’t be brought up at the same time.

Well, unless you were going for a wangst fest on how much it sucks to be Noa.

*rereads the summary*

Oh, right, wangst fest it is.

After they had defeated the monster, that her very own kin had become, Gala had brought her, and a reborn Cort, to Biron monastery.

Yeah, no.  Since this isn’t listed as an AU, I’m working off the idea that this fic is supposed to be an extension of the ending, not a rewrite of it.  But, in this case, the author is definitely rewriting.  Canonically Noa leaves with Cort and heads to Jeremi in secrecy and Gala heads back to Biron alone.  Vahn, for his endings, can choose to wander the new world alone, wander the world with Mei, go with Gala to Biron, or go in search of Noa.  If Noa went to Biron, that hamstrings two of the endings!

They were safe there, but she needed to get farther from Rim Elm, and from a certain dark-haired man that haunted her dreams.

Wait, what?  What dark-haired man?  There wasn’t really anyone important to the plot who had dark hair.  Even if you extend the net out a bit, almost everyone of note in the game has crazy anime-hair in a wide variety of colors.  Gala is pretty much the darkest haired person of the lot, so if you had wanted to avoid thinking of him, going to Biron was pretty much the worst choice.

Contextually I’m sure this is Vahn, but his hair was a bright, almost neon, blue.

You could probably see that hair from space.

You could probably see that hair from space.

One night, she had gathered provisions, and ran away, towards the Wind Cave.

You know what, I’m just gonna shake the fic off after I’m done reading it and sweep up the extra commas.  That way I don’t have to pick them out one at a time as I read.

The Ancient Wind Cave is the path between the Drake Kingdom (where the monastery is) and the Sebucus islands.

To her surprise, the monk had been waiting for her, at the monastery’s entrance. “Noa, where are you going?” He asked with obvious concern.  Gala usually acted detached, and showed little emotion, but the girl’s instincts told her of the gentleness of his heart, and the chaste friendship he felt for her.

Author, can you actually show things, or is this whole fic going to be Noa telling us everything?

It’s gonna be the second thing, isn’t it?

Bugger.

“I’m sorry to leave like this, Gala, but I have to move on. I want to go look for someplace, that Cort and I can call home.” She had said, ashamed at acting as a thief in the darkness.

Poor Gala.  He’s trying to help, and she’s flat out lying to him.  You’re making it very hard to like this version of Noa, Vick.  She’s acting like a self-absorbed asshole.

See, she’s not leaving because it’s the right thing to do, or the right thing for Cort, or the right thing for Gala, or the right thing for the Dark-Haired man, or even the right thing for herself.  No, she’s leaving because she can’t deal with being this close to Rim Elm and Mr. Dark Hair.  She’s giving up the relative security of the monastery and a good environment for raising a child, and trading it for the uncertainty that lies beyond the Wind Cave because she’s hung up on somebody and can’t bear the proximity.  So instead she’s running from the problem rather than facing it.  Just like how the real Noa wouldn’t handle the situation.

What a selfish bitch.

“Well Taco,” you might say, “in canon she did run away the first time when she flees Rim Elm with Cort.”

Well, hypothetical voice of the audience, the reason she ran away in secret was because she’s trying to save/redeem Cort.  In this case it makes sense because there’s a very, very good chance that when people learn who the baby is, they’ll react very poorly.  He caused 95% of the human race to get wiped out and the Seru to completely die off.  The chances that people would react well to knowing that is very, very slim.  Indeed it only takes a few days for some of the people of Rim Elm to figure out who the baby is, and, luckily for Cort, by then Noa had already split with him.  Making a new start in someplace where people don’t know what happened is, frankly, a good call.

“Home is where your heart is, my friend.

*SLAM*

Rippin’ Shit Off: 3

Technically it’s a common idiom with no definitive source, but I’m counting it because I’m already getting fed up with how many platitudes this fic throws around.

You are not moving on, but trying to run away from your own feelings. You will not succeed, for they are inside you. Please reconsider.”

Listen to the man!  It’d be fine to run away if it was just you, but you’ve got a baby to consider, girl!

He had not tried to stop her, even offering to be her traveling companion.

What do you mean “he didn’t try to stop her”?  He just fucking did!  Look!  *Points*  It was literally the whole last line of dialogue!  He’s trying to convince her not to leave, that’s the very definition of trying to stop her from leaving!

Offering to travel with her if she does go is just Gala being the awesome dude that he is.

Noa had refused, and made her way to Jeremi, for she loved the multileveled gardens.

Oh, so she still does make her way to Jeremi; she just added a stop in this version.  Not sure why this extra stop is needed for the plot, but maybe it’s to give Vahn an easier trail to follow.  Or maybe the author just wanted to name-drop Gala.

As a hero, she had been treated to a warm welcome.

Which is not such a great thing if being incognito is the desire.  Better to have stayed in Biron where nobody seamed to care that your baby is the maniac who tried to end the world.

Zalan had remarried to a sweet woman named Thara, which immediately took a liking to the gentle, red-haired girl, and insisted that they stayed with them.

Woof.  *rubs his throat*

So much for trying to get away from awkward fics to heal up.

No one inquired about the baby; it had become common practice to adopt orphans, in the troubled times when the Mist scourged the land.

Subtle hand-wave is subtle.

I don’t care how common place it is to adopt, a 12-year old girl running around with a newborn baby is going to raise a few eyebrows.

Let me guess, author, you forgot that Noa is 12.

That’s gonna make the vaguely sexual scene later really awesome to read, isn’t it?  I’ll go ahead and get the brain bleach jacuzzi warming up right now.

Noa got a job at the item shop, it was a whole new adventure for her, working instead of fighting, being part of a family, being loved.

Wooo, service counter adventures!  You would think she’d lean on her strength as a fighter.  Even with all the Seru gone, there’s still going to be plenty of martial duty available.  Also, as one of the three heroes who saved the world, you’d think she’d be able to land a better job than manning the potion case.  At least a management job or something.

Thara proved to be a good friend, and taught her much of life among Humans.

To be fair, Noa isn’t great at the whole human interaction thing.  She was raised by a wolf that was host to what would later become Noa’s Ra-Seru, Terra.  Not the greatest parent for the purposes of  learning human social skills.

Zalan’s son showed growing interest in the emerald-eyed girl. One evening, on Jeremi’s upper level, while they were gazing at the stars, Pepe had planted a gentle kiss on her lips, making her feel all tingly inside, reminding her of her first kiss on the walkways of Sol, many months before.

How… romantic?

This passage has about as much life to it as a documentary on algae.  Can we go back to wallowing in sadness, at least the author seemed to be invested in that scene.

Wait, what kiss at Sol?  Biron temple is at the top of Sol Tower, so presumably somebody kissed her while she was living there.  Was she making out with Gala or something?  What the hell is going on!?

*Shakes the fic*

She could live happily like this, there would still be regrets, true, but the future looked bright.

It did.  Until suddenly, and from behind, nonsensical conflict!

And then, destiny had woven a dark thread for her and her brother.

I hate being genre savvy.  Okay, fic, bring the nonsense.  I’m ready for it.

In a year, Cort had not grown, or gained weight, and was still on a milk diet.

Keeping a baby on a milk diet for a full year might be related to why it was having issues.  Just putting that out there.

Noa wasn’t the innocent girl that Vahn had met, so long ago on Mount Rikorua, anymore.

Indeed. She was a slightly older girl who worked at an item shop.  Very edgy.

She knew of babies, of growth, of the realities of life, and noticed the change of attitude towards her.

What, from the baby?  Why would his attitude change?  And what does any of this have to do with Cort being stunted!?

The fic seems to be occurring within pockets of isolated thought and idea.  Maybe the author forgot to defrag the thing after he wrote it.

People that had been so gentle, a few months before, now looked at her with frightened looks.

I really hope we get an explanation for how people found out about Cort, but I’ve got a bad feeling that the answer likely has something to do with a certain color.

When she walked with Cort, the streets emptied in mere moments.

Wait, is she one of those people who shoves their baby on people at a party so she can can flit off and do her own thing?  She’s lucky there’s anyone left in town!

They were being avoided, talked about in hushed tones. Resentment was brewing in the townsfolk, for this evil brought among them.

Just so you know, author, if you don’t explain in a plausible way how everyone figured this out, you’re going to get a visit from a very large three-headed sheep.

Ignorance breeds fear, and fear breeds hatred.

*SLAM*

Rippin’ Shit Off: 4

Can I get one, ONE fic that doesn’t have a Star Wars reference in it, please!?

Thara warned her that their lives were in danger, for the people of Jeremi had had their fill of dark magic.

Technically speaking, it was evil Science that lead to the near genocide of humanity, not dark Magic.  But, in this case, magic and science are kind of intertwined, so it’s sorta right.

Still waiting for my explanation of how everyone figured this out.  I’m also kinda dreading it because I know that, if we get an explanation, it’s going to be stupid.

Sister and brother had fled towards Vidna, but the story of the ‘demon-child’ had spread like wildfire.

So, we’re never going to learn how anyone figured out that the baby was Cort.  Just that they did, and then rumors spread when the two of them skipped town.

Nope, fine.  It’s better that we get no reason at all than a profoundly stupid one.  They know because Blue.  There, we’re sorted.

Groups of hunters had come from all over, pursuing them with murderous intent.

Uh, why, exactly?

No, really, why?  The world was just recently released from the clutches of the mist, the last of the Seru are dying off which will spell the end of a way of life for any human that is still alive.  Literally the entire civilization is built on the use of Seru, so the fact that they’ll all be gone within a few months of the fall of the Juggernaut would pretty much be everyone’s main concern.  The entirety of remaining humanity is getting thrown back into the stone age and they’re going to have to rebuild any semblance of advancement from scratch before things completely fall to pieces.

More than likely, everyone is going to be trying to figure out how to get enough food together to survive the next winter.  Certainly there aren’t going to be enough free hands idling around to assemble “hunter” teams to chase after rumors of a demon baby.

Jeez, it looks even stupider when I type it out.

Many times she ran, fast as the wind, leaving pursuers behind, the baby heavy as lead in her arms.

But you just said he was under-sized!  You can’t have it both ways, author.  I get that the baby is supposed to be a burden and all that, but babies don’t actually weigh all that much; generally under 10 pounds.

Belaboring that metaphor for the sake of melodrama is not good writing.  It’s lazy writing wrapped in a pretentious package.

At other times, she had stolen from hunter’s camps, under the cover of darkness.

Yes, because leaving a baby behind by itself while you sneak into the camp of people trying to kill you is a great idea.  Though not nearly as great an idea as sneaking into that camp WITH the baby.

Author, you are very not good at baby.

Finally, they had found refuge in the mountains near the fishing hole between Jeremi and Vidna.

Because fish scare the living shit out of hunters.  They won’t come near if you string up some rainbow trout in the campsite.

Noa had been raised in a similar environment, she found a cavern near a stream, and made a home for themselves there.

Yes, great place to raise an infant that has health issues.  I’m sure the dank environment of a natural cave is just what he needs.

She decided that later, when the baby had grown, for she still hoped he would, they would go back to the world of Humans.

Technically speaking, if you’re within a “near” of a fishing spot, you aren’t doing a very good job leaving behind the world of humans.  It’d be like getting away from your parents by moving into a house down the block.

For the moment, they had all they needed to survive, water was plentiful, wild berries grew all over, and small game was abundant.

That’ll seem like enough just until Winter hits.

At first, she gave Cort a mix of water and crushed fruit, to replace the milk.

Okay, to be brutally fair to Noa, she doesn’t actually know what she’s doing. So a move that stupid would actually be feasible.

The problem was solved, when she found, and nursed back to wholeness, a crippled mountain goat.  The grateful animal decided to stay, and never wandered too far from the cavern.

*Rubs forehead*

Wholeness?  Really?  What, did the word “health” seem too pedestrian to you?

Also, it’s super handy that they managed to catch a mountain goat that had recently nursed a kid, otherwise having that goat around would be pretty pointless aside from a sudden source of protein during the Winter.

You did think about how unlikely this was, right author?

Author?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

But, the baby did not grow. In fact, he started getting younger and younger, at an accelerated rate.

The fuck!?  You can’t just drop some crazy-ass magical shenanigans like that without any buildup!  Why the hell is the baby aging backwards!?  He isn’t fucking Merlin!

Uh… both meanings of that sentence are in fact true.  English is weird.

The consequences of his exposure to concentrated mist were finally catching up, reversing the aging process further.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! WHOA!  Back the truck up, park that son-of-a-bitch, and hand me the keys.  Did you think about how stupid that was before you wrote it, author?  Obviously you didn’t because that’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen you type by a long shot.

Let’s review what the mist does:  Drives seru insane, empowers the insane seru, and turns symbiotic humans into crazed monsters.

So, by your reasoning, if you concentrate the mist down and expose a person to it over a long period of time, they age backwards.

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE THAT JUMP IN LOGIC!?

It’s even worse because the mist wasn’t the thing that turned Cort into a baby!  It was the power of the Ra-Seru cleansing him of the mist’s influence!  Was that just lost on you or something?

Yeah, I know, you need baby Cort to die becuz’ trajek.  Not to mention it rids Noa of the baby burden so she’s free to pursue some Vahn lovin’ later on, but at least make it plausible!  This is the least plausible thing I’ve ever read!

*Markus struts into the room*

Aside from one particularly insane instance of trans-dimensional travel.

*Marcus flips Taco the bird and storms out*

And there was that whole anthropomorphism via Greek thing.  And the Jedi turning into lions because of how warm the planet was.

And the Land Before Time dinosaurs finding random power armor just sitting around in the cretaceous period…

Okay, so I’ve seen a handful of crazier crap in the fics I’ve done, but this is definitely top twenty.

Noa hopelessly witnessed the gruesome outcome, as Cort went from baby, to newborn, to even earlier stages of development.

That’d be the most awkward way I’ve seen anyone try to say “fetus” without saying it.

Even after his death, the transformation continued, leaving but a shapeless mass of flesh,

Uh, dude, you sure you have a biology degree?  Because if he continued to revert after death, which doesn’t make any sense at all, he’d eventually just vanish from sight as he reverted to something microscopic: such as a blastocyst or even a sperm and egg

that his sister buried near the mountaintop, in a last gesture of affection and love.

Not to mention spending two days building a giant cairn for the blastocyst.  Because reasons.

I can only imagine that the author took this route of extreme insanity because he lacked the guts to actually write a baby being murdered.  Writer protip: if you can’t actually write an M-rated fic, don’t try to write one.  If Disney-style death is what you need, stick to K.

Vick, you had a plausible death for Cort knocking on the door, at least within the illogical setup of the two of them being hunted.  You need Cort to die?  The hunters kill him. Either by a stray arrow or by more direct and gruesome means, but that death makes sense given the setup, and you still get your tragedy.  But the whole aging backwards thing really does tip your hand.  You couldn’t bring yourself to have him get killed, you needed to have him fade away and be a non-issue.  To meet an end because of circumstances.  To die because of something he set into motion himself.  It’s Disney Villain Death 101: the villain unwittingly orchestrates their own death, absolving anyone else from having to exercise agency in ending them.

With that, chapter one comes to an end.  Honestly, I have no idea where the author is going with this poorly thought out parade of illogical trajety.

And I’m not sure he knows, either.

Until next week, patrons!

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33 Comments on “1333: Legaia If Life Allows – Chapter One”

  1. Admiral Sakai says:

    The game follows three characters, Vahn, Noa, and Gala. In world of Legaia, there once was a symbiotic relationship between Humans and Seru (which are a kind of magical creature/object). When joined with a Seru, a human gains what is essentially super hero powers. A human joined with a Seru is stronger, more durable, and can cast magic. However, ten years before the start of the game, a mysterious mist coats the land. The issue here is that when a Seru comes in contact with the mist, it goes insane and transforms into a wild, aggressive creature, and if a human bound to a Seru comes in contact with the mist, they turn into what is essentially a zombie with super powers. Ten years later, most Seru have succumbed to the mist, the world is roamed by savage mist-dwelling monsters, and humanity is teetering on the brink of extinction, with the remaining survivors clustered in protected villages.

    Why do I get the feeling this game was secretly designed by Trills?

  2. Admiral Sakai says:

    ***** Chapter 1 – Shattered Dreams *****

    Wait a damn minute. *Looks back up at the top of the page* Yeah, let’s put that up here.

    Chapter 1: Broken Dreams

    Author, how did you fuck that up? I can see them both on the same page. *Points*

    By the time he had finished with the prologues, intros, warnings and disclaimers, our dreams had gone from broken to completely shattered?

  3. Admiral Sakai says:

    The red-haired girl finally collapsed on the rock pile, from sheer exhaustion.

    … ow?

  4. Admiral Sakai says:

    Uncontrollable sobs raked her body.

    OW

  5. Admiral Sakai says:

    *Tries to cram more commas in his pocket, but finds them overflowing*

    Swenia! Get in here, I need to put something in your bra!

    *A plasma pulse streaks through the doorway, narrowly missing Taco before blowing a hole in the wall*

    Could probably have phrased that better.

    You can just turn them over to Gul and I. Turns out they make pretty good shotgun ammo in a pinch.

  6. Admiral Sakai says:

    Because fish scare the living shit out of hunters. They won’t come near if you string up some rainbow trout in the campsite.

    Hey, it worked on Lovecraft…

  7. Admiral Sakai says:

    Aside from one particularly insane instance of trans-dimensional travel.

    *Marcus flips Taco the bird and storms out*

    And there was that whole anthropomorphism via Greek thing. And the Jedi turning into lions because of how warm the planet was.

    And the Land Before Time dinosaurs finding random power armor just sitting around in the cretaceous period…

    Wait, what was that last one?

  8. Admiral Sakai says:

    Noa hopelessly witnessed the gruesome outcome, as Cort went from baby, to newborn, to even earlier stages of development.

    That’d be the most awkward way I’ve seen anyone try to say “fetus” without saying it.

    Even after his death, the transformation continued, leaving but a shapeless mass of flesh,

    Uh, dude, you sure you have a biology degree? Because if he continued to revert after death, which doesn’t make any sense at all, he’d eventually just vanish from sight as he reverted to something microscopic: such as a blastocyst or even a sperm and egg

    Actually, where is all of this mass going? Does Cort not eat? Do layers actually, like, slough off or something?

    This is sounding more and more like an SCP effect.

  9. I don’t care how common place it is to adopt, a 12-year old girl running around with a newborn baby is going to raise a few eyebrows.

    Cain: *Shoots himself in the head* *Respawns* Dammit.

  10. Aside from one particularly insane instance of trans-dimensional travel.

    Yoneas: Tell me the people involved at least had a passable knowledge of Omnidimensional Reasoning.

    Cain: Yoneas. It’s a badfic.

  11. "Lyle" says:

    In this case, I found a short little two fic, ten chapter flurry of bad based on Legend of Legaia.

    Wha? There’s 5 chapters. You lost me on this one.

  12. "Lyle" says:

    Oh, right, wangst fest it is.

    Worst festival ever. Everyone just sat around feeling sorry for themselves because they couldn’t master the ring toss. Pathetic.

  13. "Lyle" says:

    It’d be like getting away from your parents by moving into a house down the block.

    This is actually part of my 7-year-old’s current life plan. He is going to buy the house two doors down from me so he can still be close to home, but not too close. It’s amusing.

  14. "Lyle" says:

    Also, it’s super handy that they managed to catch a mountain goat that had recently nursed a kid, otherwise having that goat around would be pretty pointless aside from a sudden source of protein during the Winter.

    *coughs lightly* As stupid as this sounds, it’s actually kind of feasible. A nanny goat will produce milk for up to 2 years after kidding. If you milk it regularly, it will trick the body into continual production of milk. Supply and demand.

    Now, the chance that she happened to have found a goat that was lactating is pretty far-fetched, but if she had, and she milked it regularly, she’d be able to stay in milk for quite some time so long as the goat remained well-nourished.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Right, that was the point I was trying to make, the chance that they would have randomly found an injured and lactating goat is pretty remote. Especially since the scene likely would be in late Summer (given the abundance of berries). Mountain goats (and most herbivores in general) kid in the spring.

      It’s a very, very unlikely scenario.

  15. "Lyle" says:

    Okay, so I’ve seen a handful of crazier crap in the fics I’ve done, but this is definitely top twenty.

    Still a contender for the WTF Moment award, though! Mist turning Cort into mother-fucking Benjamin Button deserves a nomination.

  16. "Lyle" says:

    Wait, he’s got a biology degree? He must have slept through all his science classes, then, if he thinks the reverse aging would leave you with a blob of unidentifiable goop. Sorry, Vick, but a biology degree from WebMD doesn’t count.


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