1332: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 8

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 8
Critiqued by Erttheking

Nora:  Is there any reason Ert looks like he’s emotionally dead today?

Ert: *Mumbles* RWBY volume finale.

Nora: Oh. Wait, hold on. *Watches it.* OH! Uh. Look Ert, things’ll get better. You know they will.

Ert: *Sigh* I know. Still hurts though.

Nora: Come on, stewing like this is only going to make you feel worse. Up and at ’em. We’ve got a self-righteous twat to deal with. Show him the way you really deal with something sad happening in one of your favorite shows. Not writing crappy fan fiction in which the character he thinks should’ve gotten the girl goes on a whiny tantrum, but instead insulting people that do.

Ert: Heh. All right. Just…just give me a minute.

Nora: Take your time.

Sweet Nightmares

Nora: As opposed to bittersweet nightmares, salty nightmares, and nightmares that taste of liars.

When Titan had emerged from his secret project, though it still needed a little extra time to be fully ready, Mysterious had come to him with an idea, and extremely nasty idea to help gather more energy for Titan, as well as blow a hole through the unicorn’s defenses.

Ert: What defenses? They’ve always been paper thin! The only thing that happens is that everyone runs inside and slams their doors shut. The don’t even do anything to get in between you and what you’re after most of the time. Whenever you go after something that isn’t about capturing Lightning, you tend to get at least SOME results, no matter how minor (even if it’s utterly asinine like getting energy from pure water because “I just can”). The only thing that’s really a problem with you is that you keep clowning around whenever Lightning is involved and you always, ALWAYS, attack an area he just happens to be in or intentionally focus on him. Attack somewhere else and you can basically declare victory.

“You are aware by this time, the unicorns are all heading home to sleep until morning, and that is where I shall strike them.”

Rep-Stallion was confused, “You’re going to go after them while they’re sleeping?” he asked.’

Cornelia: Ok, is Rep-Stallion supposed to be really dumb? Because attacking someone when they’re not prepared for it is about as basic as your plans can get, and people tend to have their guard down when they’re sleeping.

Mysterious nodded, and explained he was going to strike in the one place where they’re magic, believing, and friends could not truly help them. “In their dreams…!” His plan was to haunt the unicorns with spell he had been working on that would bring their worst nightmares to life.

Nora: Yes, I’ll attack them in their dreams by bringing their nightmares to life! OUTSIDE of their dreams! (And if he meant the nightmares would stay in their head that’s not really bringing them “to life.”)

The more they fell into their dreams, the more their energy would drain, and their self-confidence would be shaken as well.

Nora: It’ll do that how? Uh, I mean, yeah, sure, whatever you say boss. Not like this entire conflict will be resolved in this chapter and never brought up again,

Ert: Something I like to call Star Trek Syndrome. What’s this? A gun with a transporter attached that can allow you to assassinate anyone on a station no matter where you are and is impossible to trace? Let’s never bring it up again.

“With their self-confidence impaired, their magic powers will be of little threat to me.”

Cornelia: I guess? I mean the way magic in this world works is so loosely defined it’s not impossible. This really does come off as a classic case of “The rules are being made up as we go along,” though.

Nora: What rules? There are no rules. Mykan says “And then thing happened,” and then thing happened. Except sometimes thing didn’t happen because Mykan got bored.

Cornelia: … Can’t really argue there.

Titan liked the sound of this and gave Mysterious his approval. Then he viewed an image of Unicornicopia, it was already nightfall and the unicorns were already leaving for home. “Pleasant dreams, unicorns.” he sniggered and then laughed evilly.

Nora: Hold it, Titan. You sniggered and then you laughed. You need to get to your 2:30 cackle and your 3:00 giggle before you can get to simply laughing. And even then you wouldn’t have any time to do it before your 3:30 chortle and your 4:00 guffaw.

Ert: Hold on *Flips through thesaurus* If he runs out of things to do he can always titter, twitter and yuk.

Buddy Rose closed his community garden and stretched and yawned. “What a day…!” he said. “I’m certainly going to sleep well tonight.”

Nora: GET IT!? IT’S IRONIC! OR SOMETHING! BECAUSE IT ISN’T GOING TO BE SLEEPING WELL TONIGHT! Just wanted to point that out for you, Mykan’s writing is so SUBTLE that I thought you might’ve missed it.

Ert: Buddy never talked like this before, but hey, gotta foreshadow the plot that we already know is coming.

“I think so too…” added Cookie Dough as he closed up the restaurant. Rhyme was with him, after finish a good hot dinner. He looked ready for bed already…

“I don’t feel as I have to count sheep,
Tonight I really will get a good sleep.”

Ert: Fingers crossed that a herd of feral sheep rips him apart and leave nothing but gnawed bones left.

Nora: I’ll pray for that.

Then, they all looked, and saw Lightning standing up on a rooftop looking up at the stars as he sang a small short…

(Today’s Special- Wheels: “In the night”)

Ert: And you can fuck right off.

He and Krysta smiled at each other, but then both yawned and Krysta pecked Lightning on the cheek before flying into her little house. “Goodnight Lightning…”

“Sleep tight, Krysta.” responded Lightning as he hopped into bed.

Cornelia: Like Ert said before, characters are doing things that we never see them doing before and they just didn’t plain DO before because the plot is changing its characters to suit its needs.

Soon, all over the kingdom, everyone was fast asleep.

Ert: I guess the night shift doesn’t exist in this place. No one making some overnight travel from one town to another? No one making sure the water treatment plant in where-was-it-again-ville is still running?

Some were even snoring.

Nora: Well that was vitally important information to get across.

The only exceptions were the guards manning the scout posts to search for any evil activity that occurred during the night, and the night soldiers were just taking control of their shifts.

Cornelia: I seriously doubt that a nation this big and this modernized would be able to run with the soldiers being the only people who are still awake at night. No emergency medical services?

All completely were unaware that Mysterious was flying through the skies. It was much safer for him to come out at night where there wasn’t so much light to harm him, and made it harder for the scout lights to find him as he blended in with the darkness too well.

Ert: How could it be “harder” for the scout lights to find you in the dark if they would only be ON if it was dark in the first place? Also, they’re manually searching the sky with lights? That’s a wee bit impractical. If they can put solid barriers around every single house in the kingdom, why not put invisible barriers around towns that set off an alarm when passed through?

“Hmm, mm, mm, mm, mm…!

Ert:…Yes?

It’s time…” he hissed as he began to fly here and there, over and under sprinkling special magic dust all over the entire kingdom. Being a shadow and able to move faster along the darkness helped him go faster.

Nora: Because he can do that. Also is this the same dust that turns whatever it touches into monsters? Because if that’s the case you’re gonna need to do more than air bomb the entire kingdom to get the results you want. Don’t get me wrong, throwing that crap around at random would be a great way to sow chaos, but that’s not what you said you wanted to do. Why are we so much better at coming up with evil plans than the guy who’s supposed to do it for a living?

Goeth: Hey-o!

Ert: Because we share a dorm with someone who does it for a living and doesn’t suck at his job.

Goeth: You’re making me blush.

By the time he was finished; he had retreated to a cave somewhere in Yellow Hills, where Rhymey lived. All he had to do now was sit and wait for the energy to start flowing, but what Mysterious didn’t realize, was that he missed one unicorn who was watching him from the skies… one with three golden horns.

Ert: Amazing. The Grand Ruler got off of his ass…and STILL isn’t doing anything. Does this douche guzzler ever contribute to anything other than sending vague hints to Lightning?

In Red Wood Meadows, in a cute little cottage, Buddy Rose was starting to toss and turn in his bed and moaning softly…

Nora: Wait, since when has he lived in this town? I think he said that he was from there initially but he moved to Rainbow whatever it was.

He dreaming about heading to his garden one day to realize, all his beautiful plants were dead. He tried and tried his best to revive them, but this only made the spiritual forces of his plans return to scold him and chase after him as payment for not taking care of them.

Cornelia: For something that’s supposed to be his worst nightmare, it comes off as rather underdeveloped and more something he’d wake up feeling momentarily confused about before getting over it.

Ert: No kidding. I’ve had creepier dreams than that when I was five. Fucking Maleficent …

Cookie Dough was sleeping in his home in Bluesville

Ert: Right, that’s the place where the water works is. On a side note, he commutes from town to town in order to work? I mean I know some people do that, but most of them don’t OWN THEIR OWN RESTAURANT!

when he started to have a nightmare about His cooking starting to make everyone feel sick and causing them to age into dust. “No…! No…! What have I done?” he cried, and soon the guilt and shame of what he had done began to turn him into stone!

Nora: … Wha. Cookie Dough’s worst nightmare was that his food would cause them all to age into dust? That’s a very specific nightmare to have. Especially the ‘he turns to stone out of guilt’ thing.

Cornelia: Is that a thing? Is that a thing in this world? Guilt turns you to stone?

Nora: Could be, could not be. Could be established as an important thing and then forgotten about or it could just never have meant anything in the first place.

Starla dream that the stars were falling from the sky like a meteor shower, crushing and destroying anything that slammed on.

Ert: Anyone want to tell Mykan that there’s a pretty big damn difference between meteors and stars?

Rhymey dreamed that while he was reciting a poem about monsters and horror, as he read the words he wrote, the monsters and horrors he described actually came to life and gave chase.

“Mercy me…!
I believe I should FLEE…!”

Ert: I hope they kill him. Even when fearing for his life in a nightmare “come to life” (which still has a very vague definition, I thought that he was actually going to give their nightmares material form, but then again that’d be INTERESTING) he can’t shut his FUCKING MOUTH!

Nora: Again, this seems like an asinine dream to have. At least things falling from the sky is something to be afraid of, even if it’s not rational. Thinking that the things in your poem are going to come to life goes far beyond being irrational and into something that just has no basis in reality.

Cornelia: To be fair, that’s half of this story.

Even Krysta was having a nightmare…

Ert: You say it like we were expecting that she wouldn’t be.

She dreamt that she had found other fairies just like her, and they invited her into a spring for a swim, but as soon as Krysta leapt off the edge, the beautiful paradise turned into an infernal nightmare, with flaming monsters and demons that caught her.

Nora: “Caught.” This story keeps using words like “caught” and “capture” like they’re the most awful things that can happen to a person.

Ert: I gotta say, for someone who enjoys killing and torturing characters he doesn’t like, Mykan is a bit of a wimp when it comes to creating actual stakes in a story.

All over the kingdom the unicorns were tossing and turning in their sleep as their nightmares grew worse, and as their nightmares continued to eat away at their minds, the more energy Mysterious was able to harness.

Cornelia: This story really needs to sit down and define what it means by energy. Because Titan just seems to steal energy whenever he does something. Draining it directly from unicorns, fine; stealing it from nightmares, could make sense if it actually established how he’s doing it (and it doesn’t); getting it from water, ok now you’re just having Titan do whatever and say he’s getting energy from it.

Ert: You raise a good point. Initially it sounded like the “energy” he wanted was magical in nature, but now it’s just “Stuff I get when I do thing.”

The energy seemed to emerge from the unicorns and moved like a stream of fireflies, flying all across the land, into the cave and through Mysterious’ vortex to be transferred to Titan.

Nora: But this didn’t actually happen because it only SEEMED like that happened. Mykan, learn what words mean.

He just couldn’t stop sniggered sinisterly to himself, but what he was really anxious for was about to happen, “Any moment now…! Heh, heh, heh…!”

Ert: The grammar in that post made my eyeballs try and punch me in the face, just so I would close them for a few seconds as I winced in pain.

Easily, Lightning had the worst dream of all…

Nora: I doubt it.

He dreamt that he was brought before The Grand Ruler and he did not look a bit pleased for reasons unknown. “Lightning Dawn it has become clear to me that I can no longer trust you, or instruct you as my apprentice. I have no choice but to banish you to the Dimension of Darkness and out of my sight and kingdom… FOREVER…!”

Cornelia: I don’t really see how this is worse than seeing your home and kind destroyed, realizing that you were responsible for the deaths of dozens, or seeing an apocalyptic event happening.

Ert: It’s because Lightning needs to be the most important.

(Gary Stu Counter: 17)

In a quick snap Lightning and Krysta both woke up with a bloodcurdling gasp…

So did Buddy Rose… then Starla… Cookie Dough… Rhymey…! Everyone across the kingdom had awoken, some were even screaming, some fell out of bed.

Nora: And some had gotten tangled up in their sheets, and some had wet themselves, and some of them were crying, and some of them did other things and some of them did no things, and this joke has gone on too long.

Mysterious could sense the fear in the very air a she absorbed the last amount of energy. “My plan has worked.” He hissed “What I would give to see the expressions on their fearful faces now…”

Ert: Yayyyyyy! You gave everyone a BAD DREAM! WHAT DOES THIS FUCKING ACCOMPLISH AND HOW!? Titan said something about “reducing their self confidence” but if that goes down after just one bad dream, their self confidence must’ve been pretty fucking fragile to begin with.

“Krysta…” cried Lightning, but he said nothing else after that.

“What was that all about?” Krysta wondered.

Nora: Something really stupid. Take my word for this one, guys.

There was a knock at the door, causing them both to jump. “It’s okay… it’s just the door.” stuttered Krysta. Lightning answered the door it was only Starla, but she looked just as freaked out as he and Krysta.

Ert: Really? After one nightmare they’ve turned into nervous wrecks and are jumping at knocks on doors? How fragile are these people?

Nora: Don’t cover yourself in bedsheets and go “Boo!,” you might traumatize them for life.

Starla explained about her nightmare, and that she was too scared to even look at the stars for answers.

Cornelia: That’s kinda pathetic.

Nora: Only kinda?

Cornelia: Extremely pathetic. Anyway, what answers were in the stars anyway? I know all of these dreams were connected to their shallow, one-dimensional personalities consisting of one interest, but this already thinly stretched material is starting to tear at them trying to use their one talent to solve all of their problems. Is Rhymey trying to write poems to figure out what the problem is? Is Cookie Dough looking for the answers in soup?

On her way over, she also heard several unicorns screaming from their bedrooms, and many lights were on in the other villages too.

“This is getting really weird.” cried Krysta.

Ert: Not really. People are having nightmares. We haven’t seen any reason as to why these nightmares are different from regular nightmares aside from the way people are reacting to them. And the way they’re reacting to them makes me wonder if these people are all toddlers, because this is how a toddler reacts to a nightmare. Except it’s understandable there. Here it’s just painful.

That’s when a magical letter shot through the open window and landed on Lightning’s bed. The suddenness of its appearance made them all jump and yelp. Lightning recognized the seal on the rolled up paper. “I… It’s from The Grand Ruler.” He whimpered, but he didn’t seem too eager to look at it. “Lightning, just do it…” cried Krysta “Just get it over with.”

Cornelia: Well THAT sounds like something else

“Y… Y… You can do it.” stuttered Starla.

Ert: IT’S A LETTER! OPEN THE FUCKING LETTER! Are you scared that it’s going to contain a serial killer? Do you think the paper is going to fly out and slice your throat? I am legitimately concerned that we are going to get an un-ironic example of these characters being scared of their own shadows at this rate.

Lightning swallowed hard and nervously unrolled the letter…

Nora: Which, to his complete and utter shock…did not try to murder him.

Dear Lightning…

I am well aware of the nightmares you and your friends have experienced, and I can assure you it was no trick of nature.

Ert: I could have stopped it, seeing how I was RIGHT FUCKING THERE when Mysterious did this, but I couldn’t be assed and watching you run around scared at absolutely everything is goddamn hilarious.

I was making my rounds of the sky to maintain the balance of the night-flow,

Ert: I … what?

Nora: He did the thing to keep the thing from turning into the thing.

when I noticed Mysterious was flying around and sprinkling an evil magical dust all over the kingdom called Nightmareadon which causes any sleeper to dream their worst nightmare.

Cornelia: This is the second time that’s been said, so it wasn’t a typo the first time around. Why is Rhymey’s worse nightmare that his poems would come to life and Cookie Dough’s that his food would turn people into dust? I don’t see Cookie Dough as the type of person to say, “I’m secretly dreading the day these pastries of mine turn everyone into dust.”

Nora: If only because he doesn’t have enough of a personality to say that.

Mysterious has used this to drain the magic from the kingdom as you dreamt, and to weaken your self-confidence so that you will be unable to use magic in your battles.

Ert: If this actually worked, kindly get the fuck out of my kingdom. You’re an embarrassment and a disgrace.

Lightning, as you read this I am constantly going around the kingdom and doing my best to dissolve the remainder of the dust so that no further nightmares occur, but you must confront Mysterious who I have seen based in a cave at Yellow Hills.

Cornelia: So he’s concerned that Lightning’s powers might have been weakened and he’s sending him off to fight anyway? Why is it I get the feeling that Lightning is like Job from the Bible and that the Grand Ruler is torturing him on purpose because of a bet with Titan?

That is all I can tell you. I’d assist you in battle, but I cannot allow my other subjects to fall under the spell.

Nora: And as has been established in the past, this kingdom has no armed forces to speak of. The guards who are constantly keep watch are essentially gigolos playing dress up.

Just believe, and face your fears! I have faith in you my student.

Your caring master: The Grand Ruler

Ert: Caring? HA! Yes I really care about you Lightning, now go out there and do the heavy lifting to clean up a mess I could’ve prevented but decided not to.

“W… w… we have to go out there.” Lightning said nervously “It’s the only way.”

Ert: Why is he so scared? His nightmare was that the Grand Ruler would banish him. The letter he just got proves that isn’t something he needs to be worried about. He’s just scared because Mykan didn’t realize that this conflict should be resolved in two seconds.

Cornelia: And question. Why does Lightning need to go after Mysterious? To break the spell? Well the Grand Ruler already said he was doing that, so what’s the point? Unless this really will break the spell in which case our theories about the Grand Ruler being lazy are true.

The girls were not so optimistic. Krysta even slipped back inside her house and hid under her bed. “Why can’t we just use magic to get through this?”

Ert: … Why CAN’T they? Is this more of the “The Grand Ruler forbids them from using magic to solve their problems” crap again? Come to think of it, what magic can they really DO? All they have is attacks that never really do anything.

she groaned, but this was something magic couldn’t fix, and just as the letter said without their self-confidence, their powers were weak or couldn’t be used.

Cornelia: That’s just it then? One bad dream and their self-confidence is shot?

Nora: How has Titan not taken over the world yet?

Lightning, though he was just as scared, and part of him wished all this could be undone- his mentor had faith in him, why else would he charge him with such a task.

Ert: I’ll say it again. Him being scared doesn’t make any sense. These people are just jumping at everything now, despite how little connection it has to their “worst nightmare.”

Cornelia: Just keep going, we’re mostly done.

“I’m going to try at least. I’ll go alone if I have to.” he said with pride, and then he leapt out the window and flew off slowly into the night.

Ert: ISSA SCARED! No wait! I’m proud now! Because my mentor has faith in me! BUT ISSA STILL SCARED CUZ THAT DWEAM WHEN HE DIDN”T WIKE ME!

Nora: Tad bit inconsistent, isn’t it.

Starla felt more nervous than ever. So did Krysta, but they both just couldn’t let Lightning do this alone. “Lightning, wait!” they called as they flew off after him.

Soon they were joined by Buddy Rose, who looked just as shaken, but saw them flying off after Lightning and figured it was trouble. “Cookie Dough’s coming do.” He told them, and before the others could react, “I’m just as surprised as you are.”

Nora: Yeah, but I’m more surprised because apparently the two of you live in different towns and somehow magically knew that Lightning had a mission from the Grand Ruler that involved fighting Titan again, so you flew over here at the exact same time that he was heading out.

Cookie Dough hardly ever entered battles as it was believed his magic was only for quick wits.

Cornelia: What was his magic again?

Ert: Dunno.

Still, they would find out soon enough after they met up with him and then caught up with Lightning. Soon they arrived at Rhymey’s house, but it took some time for him to answer the door.

The door creaked opened, and poor little Rhymey peeked his head through.

“Is somebody out there…?
Please don’t give me another scare!”

Ert: I want him to die so badly.

Nora: No, no one’s out there Rhymey, the door was just knocking itself like it always does.

The others convinced him that everything would okay… at least they hoped.

Nora: Yeah Rhymey! Don’t worry. Just read the Call of Cthulu out loud. It won’t come to life.

Ert: The sad thing is that he’s probably scared of reading now because of that one dream.

Yellow Hill was a small village- quiet and peaceful, several houses, and even a poetry hall. The hills were small and not too step, and there was only small cave in one of the hills. Not really one of those deep dark mines or tunnels but a small dugout.

Ert: Hipster town in other words.

Cornelia: The characterization in this story is so bad that even the towns are just stereotypes. Also why is it called Yellow Hill? And if the Hills are actually yellow how does that work?

The gang slowly approached the location, stopping only meters away from the dark entrance “I… I don’t see anything in there.” stuttered Buddy Rose.

Nora: Well I can’t see anything in the dark abyss, time to go home and cry about how I had a bad dream where I forgot to water my flours and was traumatized for life.

“But I… see you!” mysterious hissed loudly, sounding like a violent monster, and making everyone yelp. That’s when Mysterious stepped out from the cave laughing hysterically. “What’s the matter? Couldn’t sleep well…? Having bad dreams…?”

Ert: That’s a good insult because it’s exactly what happened … I guess. Most people would’ve put a mocking twist on it as opposed to just parroting previous events.

Nora: Like “Ready to fall over at a baby’s touch because you had a bad dream?”

By this time the gang had mixed expressions of anger and fear on their faces. “We know what you’re up to, Mysterious.” growled Lightning “You planted those nightmares in our heads.”

Ert: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Would you like to share something with the class that wasn’t spelled out for us at the beginning of the chapter? Just a heads up, “I’m an idiot” won’t work.

Mysterious sniggered and nodded his head, “And it looks as if my little plan has succeeded. Look at yourselves… you’re all trembling with fear. It shows in your eyes. I think now’s the perfect time to introduce you to my newest sidekick. Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!”

Nora: Mysterious’ infamous orgasm laugh returns. Also what was the plan with this sidekick? Hope that Lightning would bullrush you when your spell to turn him into a giant pussy worked? What was the plan if he wasn’t an idiot?

Cornelia: Sit around and laugh I suppose.

At the sound of his evil laugh and large flare of light erupted from the cave frightening the gang as a huge fiery coated monster emerged. Mysterious called this monster Hothead, and made it from the flares of a torch he had in the cave with him.

Ert: What? I mean what? Mysterious is weakened by light. Are you’re saying that he went and made a fire monster? A monster that CREATES LIGHT!? I am damn certain that Mykan makes up the rules for how his character works and then forgets about them directly after.

Nora: Also the monster was “coated” in fire. What is it underneath? Mykan didn’t care? Got it.

Krysta screamed and hid under Lightning’s wing. “Oh, my…!” she whimpered. That was the exact same type of monster that attacked her in her dream, a large monster with burning flames all over its body. “G…G…Get it away! Keep it away from me!”

Ert: Ok, that at the very least KINDA makes sense. She had a nightmare about fire demons consuming her village.

“Me too!” cried Starla

Ert: Starla, on the other hand, had a nightmare about meteors (NOT STARS) falling from the sky. I fail to see why that would make her scared of a fire monster.

Buddy and Cookie held each other whimpered at the sight of such a beast. Just looking at those flames was enough to burn them.

Nora: If that’s literal, how? If it’s not, then it makes no sense.

Lightning was almost at a loss for words, and remembered what the Grand Ruler had said; he just had to face his fears. “I can do this…! I can do this…!” he kept saying as he moved forward, but the monsters flared up and roared causing him to retreat “AAAAHH…! No I can’t!” and he ran back to join the others.

Cornelia: Was that supposed to be funny? Because it was, but mainly because it showed how utterly worthless Lightning is as a protagonist.

Some of them tried to attack the monster from a distance, but just as they were told they’re magic either didn’t work, or was too weak to be of any help. Rhymey tried his “DRILL QUILL…!” but they burned up as they neared the monster as it was part made of fire.

Ert: If things are being burned up just because they’re only near it than this thing is burning stupidly hot. As in so hot I’m pretty sure everyone should be in danger of passing out from the sheer heat.

“Oh dear…! This is bad!
I think I made the nightmare mad!”

You leave me the fuck out of this.

Ert: Also he said three sentences and didn’t make anything rhyme with “dear.”

(Rhymey Can’t Rhyme Counter: 3)

Mysterious couldn’t help but laugh at such a pitiful sight.

Nora: I’m with him on that one. This is a pretty pathetic display.

“I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun!” he said “Go get them, Hothead!”

Ert: Why are you giving orders to Lightning?

The monster flared, and began to slowly move forward. His burning feet made burn marks and ashes on the ground. “He’s coming!” cried Starla “What do we do…?”

Nora: Well clearly you stop crying and feeling sorry for yourselves, that’d be a start. Then you remember that there’s absolutely no reason at all to feel afraid.

The monster then clapped his fiery hands together and blew hard, causing a huge fiery flare to blow right at the gang.

Cornelia: I feel like he could have worked in a few more “fiery”s in there.

Nora: The fiery monster then clapped his fiery hands together and fiery blew hard, causing a huge fiery flare to fiery blow at the fiery gang.

“WHOA…!” they all shrieked as they scattered around. The others tried and tried, but by this time they were so scared and nervous they couldn’t even shout the name of their attacks.

Ert: OH NOES! That was such a vital part!

Lightning tried to charge at the monster only to always stop and run away at the last few feet, especially before the monster blew more fire at him.

Cornelia: That doesn’t make sense! Either he’s scared and he wouldn’t charge at the monster, or he’s his normal suicidally confident self and he would charge. People who are scared aren’t well known for running away from what they’re scared of and then coming back in five seconds!

“This isn’t working!” cried Krysta.

Ert: Painfully obvious remark!

“Tell me something I don’t know.” snapped Lightning, but he quickly realized “What am I saying? I can’t let my fear get to me!”

Ert: Your fear of WHAT!? People aren’t just afraid of something for no reason! There’s always a reason, rational or otherwise, of why people are afraid of something. I’m afraid of water levels in video games because I’m afraid of what lurks down in the deep dark depths where I can’t see, nor can move properly. I’m not afraid of everything that moves. So what are you afraid of? Fire? Titan’s minions? Losing? GIVE ME SOMETHING! Don’t just say “Ima scared” and start jumping every time someone sneezes!

The others heard that, and began to realize they were just being a band of crybabies too scared to fight to save their own skins.

Nora: You said it, not me.

They just had to concentrate. “Huh…?” groaned Mysterious as he watched the gang stand up tall and proud. “What’s this…? How are they no longer afraid?”

Ert: … THAT’S IT!? Lightning just says “I can’t let my fear get to me,” and all of a sudden he doesn’t let his fear get to him? Usually when Mykan says “Conflict over,” it’s not this borderline literal.

The gang was still feeling a little nervous, but the more they believed they could do it, the more the spell faded away. Soon, they were standing tall and proud and ready for action. “Dream’s over, Mysterious!” said Lightning “And now it’s your turn to face a nightmare.”

Cornelia: If you’re going to have a one liner like that, it benefits if it’s cleverly worded and if random words aren’t just shoved in to try and connect it to the situation at hand. “Dream on,” is pretty cliche, but at least it would’ve made sense.

The others nodded and charged.

Ert: If they’re all charging does that mean Lightning has lost his only gimmick?

Nora: Technically he has his Rainbow Rod but if we say yes will he disappear from reality?

Cornelia: Yes? Yes? Yes? Well it was worth a shot.

Nora: I can dream…

Of course, Hothead was still made of part fire so they’d have to be careful.

Ert: Usually when I say “Do we need to teach him that fire is hot,” I’m being sarcastic. Because I respect the author enough to assume that they know that fire is hot. Please show that respect to me in return.

Nora: I don’t think “Showing respect” fits into Mykan’s skill set. Bashing critics, bashing shows for not giving him his OTP, nope, no respect here.

All of Buddy Rose’s attacks didn’t work on him, but he did manage to distract the monster long enough for Rhymey to attack with his “WARD SWORD…!” hitting it hard.

Cornelia: How is getting into melee range with a monster that’s on fire being careful?

Ert: And why does it refer to the attack as “his WARD SWORD…!”? Is it always like that? Is it like WAAAAAAGH! in Warhammer 40k in that it always needs to be all caps? Because Rhymey ain’t no fucking Ork. Rhymey would get killed for extra rations by the Orks.

Nora: More like for shits and giggles.

Ert: They can multitask.

“Oh, no you don’t…!” shouted Mysterious as he prepared to attack as well, only get bombarded by Starla’s “STAR SHOWER…!”

“Blargh…!” Even though Mysterious could not be attacked normally like most shadows,

Nora: Sad too, because I have a lot of fun beating the shit out of random shadows. (This is why commas are important.)

magical-attacks were able to get at him, especially ones that gave off light like Starla’s attacks.

Cornelia: The light part makes sense, but all magic being able to hit him makes me wonder why anyone was ever afraid of this guy when every single person in this story, save Lightning, has magical powers.

Krysta joined her in keeping Mysterious distracted by sprinkling her brighter fairy dust on him. “Pah…! Stop…! Get this stuff off me!”

Ert: Krysta only really exists to be annoying, intentionally and unintentionally.

With Mysterious distracted, the monster was forced to face the others alone.

Nora: Man, people really overreact to minor things in this story. If they’re not acting like they’ve got PTSD from a bad dream, they’re letting themselves get distracted by dust.

Cookie Dough was ready. “I’ve always wanted to do this…” he said as the monster began to approach him “I may be a chef, but there’s that I can do.”

“CREAM PIE FLING…!”

Ert: I fucking hate every single person in this story and I want Goeth to kill Titan and take his place.

Goeth: Is that an order?

Ert: No, it’s me talking without thinking. Back to boiling whatever it was you were boiling. What is it, baby dolphins?

Goeth: It’s spaghetti. I don’t experiment 24/7 you know.

the sound of his words, he summoned up a whole bunch of pies, but not the kind you would eat. These plié were thrown in the monsters face. The creams were in face gross bits of slime which ran down the monster, and the heat from its fires caused the slime to harden into a shell slowing him down..

Nora: I don’t known what’s more insulting. The fact that Cookie Dough’s attacks are some of the dumbest we’ve seen on the Library, or the fact that they’re the first in this story to actually make much of a difference

“Now try my… EGG BOMB…!” and Cookie fired explosive eggs at Hothead, disintegrating the hardened parts of his body and making him weaker.

Ert: …

Ert: Close enough. The guy has a history of ripping off Mario after all.

(Unoriginality Counter: 10)

Finally, Cookie Dough had one final attack, his “EGG BATTER…!” which formed a giant club in his hand like a baseball bat. “Batter up!” he shouted as he WHAMMED the monster and sent it soaring up, up, up

Cornelia: Why was Cookie Dough saying that he wasn’t any good in a fight again? He’s pretty much been soloing this thing.

Ert: And you cannot “Wham” someone. Wham isn’t a verb. At best it’s a noun.

Pictured: Wham

The others were amazed, and Lightning realized this was his chance, so he summoned the Rainbow Rod, and began to power it up…

Ert: And then he does his recycled Sailor Moon top off thingie, there’s a double onomatopoeia for some reason, you know the drill

The gang all came together and cheered for joy, and then Lightning turned and snarled “Mysterious, now it’s your turn!” but before anyone could act, “Sorry, but I already have some of what I came for, so I’ll be on my way, but we’ll see each other again real soon. Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah, ah…!” then Mysterious vanished and was gone.

Nora: Should we do something to stop him from getting away?

Ert: Nah, to compare this to a TV show, we’re nowhere near the season finale. We can’t do anything to upset that status quo that much just yet.

Everyone was a little upset that he got away, and had taken a lot of energy with him, but they were all safe and that was what really mattered.

Cornelia: How do they know about the energy thing? Did they feel it get taken away in their sleep?

“Well done, Everyone.” said a voice from atop the hill. The gang looked, and saw the shape of “Grand Ruler…!” cried Lightning. It was still too dark to see him clearly, but they all recognized his shape. He stood there proudly on the hill with his cape fluttering in the soft breeze.

Ert: Your existence has no meaning. Even less than Krysta. Her purpose is stupid but at least it means SOMETHING.

“Because you all believed you could win, and faced your fears, you overpowered Mysterious’ magic. Take great care of yourselves… for this battle with Titan and his forces will continue, but I have faith and believe in you all… especially you, Lightning.”

Nora: The rest of you can all suck my dick though. Lightning gets special treatment cuz he’s precious.

Cornelia: Pretty rude thing to say when Cookie Dough was the one that did all of the heavy lifting.

The gang bowed to the Grand Ruler, and Lightning asked his mentor, “When will I learn the true secret of magic? Haven’t I come far enough?”

Ert: Let me check, *Google* the chapter titled “True Magic” is still 18 chapters away. So no, you haven’t come far enough.

The Grand Ruler chuckled, “You have done wonderfully, Lightning. One day all will be clear to you, but for now… you all better get home to bed while it’s still night. Farewell…!” and he flew off into the sky to continue his nighttime duties.

Nora: If he could make enough of a detour to come visit them, how come he couldn’t take care of Mysterious himself?

Ert: Because otherwise Lightning would never get to do anything, mainly.

The gang decided it was best to head home to bed anyway. Lightning felt disappointed that even after all this he still didn’t know what his master was trying to teach him about magic, but at least when went to bed, he had nicer dreams… so did Krysta… and so did everyone else.

Cornelia: I’m pretty sure most people would have dreamless sleep.

(In the Skies as Grand Ruler flies)

Grand Ruler: “Dreams may seem scary at the times; you must always remember that they cannot really harm you. Sometimes dreams and nightmares become true, but like all dreams they don’t really last forever!”

Ert: No. No they are not. Dreams and nightmares are never true. They may be similar to things that are true, but it is all in your head. Dreams are figments of your imagination.

“Sometimes, dreams can be triggered off by things you’ve done, and the dreams try to warn you by showing you what it’s like from another view.

Nora: Which didn’t happen.

Dreams can teach,

Nora: That didn’t happen here either.

just like books and lessons can, and some dreams can never be ignored.

Nora: The hell is that supposed to mean?

That is something we all feel, but just remember, dreams are not real and be if you don’t let them.”

Ert: THEY’RE NOT REAL, PEROID!

“See you all next time, and keep on believing!”

Ert: Believing that dreams are real I suppose.

Nora: I need a drink.

Ert: I don’t blame you. This story just keeps getting dumber and dumber. Is anyone actually doing more than just letting Titan attack and trying to keep everything from falling apart and nothing more?

Cornelia: Not really.

Ert: Well, join us next week for when the stupidity continues.

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48 Comments on “1332: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 8”

  1. Admiral Sakai says:

    bittersweet nightmares, salty nightmares, and nightmares that taste of liars

    The ejaculation scenes in Celebrian?

  2. Admiral Sakai says:

    Mysterious had come to him with an idea, and extremely nasty idea

    Aaaaaaaaand cue the porno music.

  3. Admiral Sakai says:

    Nora: Yes, I’ll attack them in their dreams by bringing their nightmares to life! OUTSIDE of their dreams! (And if he meant the nightmares would stay in their head that’s not really bringing them “to life”.)

    I dunno, causing someone’s nightmares to physically manifest inside their skulls would be a pretty effective way of killing them. Since, you know, most things in nightmares are substantially larger than pony brains.

  4. Admiral Sakai says:

    “With their self-confidence impaired, their magic powers will be of little threat

    Granted, this is also true if their self-confidence is intact

  5. Admiral Sakai says:

    The only exceptions were the guards manning the scout posts to search for any evil activity that occurred during the night, and the night soldiers were just taking control of their shifts.

    All completely were unaware that Mysterious was flying through the skies.

    I was going to say Worst Guards Ever, but I have a feeling they’re going to get a lot of competition.

  6. Admiral Sakai says:

    Starla dream that the stars were falling from the sky like a meteor shower, crushing and destroying anything that slammed on.

    “Slam on” sounds like the next big dudebro meme.

    And this suddenly became a very good dream.

  7. Admiral Sakai says:

    Anyway, what answers were in the stars anyway? I know all of these dreams were connected to their shallow, one dimensional personalities consisting of one interest, but this already thinly stretched material is starting to tear at them trying to use their one talent to solve all of their problems

    I dunno, I feel like in a much better story these dreams could actually provide us with a lot of information on the characters’ psychological weak spots: Rhymey has trouble differentiating between fantasy and reality, Lightning is insecure and obsessed with his own power and importance, and Cookie Dough seems to have this weird phobia about concrete or something.

    Wait, why do so many of these seem like Mykan’s psychological weak spots?…

    • erttheking says:

      Apart from the concrete one…everything is starting to make too much sense.

      • Admiral Sakai says:

        You know, the more I look at it the more I realize that not only is Cookie Dough’s concrete nightmare weirdly specific and actually a lot more horrible than the others, but it also deviates pretty sharply from all the others in that (while food is involved as a causative agent) the actual “horror” doesn’t relate to his job in any way.

        I think this might have been an actual nightmare Mykan had at some point, and was so freaked out about that he decided to use it here- or something he saw in a TV show or whatever that stuck with him.

  8. Admiral Sakai says:

    On her way over, she also heard several unicorns screaming from their bedrooms, and many lights were on in the other villages too.

    “This is getting really weird.” cried Krysta.

    Somebody needs to explain to Krysta where babies come from.

  9. Admiral Sakai says:

    I was making my rounds of the sky to maintain the balance of the night-flow,

    That sounds really filthy, but also incredibly vague.

  10. Admiral Sakai says:

    Nightmareadon

    LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

  11. Admiral Sakai says:

    “But I… see you!” mysterious hissed loudly, sounding like a violent monster

    So how does a violent monster sound compared to… I dunno, a pacifist monster?

  12. Admiral Sakai says:

    a large monster with burning flames all over its body

    As opposed to… non-burning flames?

    *ALARM BLARES*

    Oh bother.

  13. Admiral Sakai says:

    “Oh, no you don’t…!” shouted Mysterious as he prepared to attack as well, only get bombarded by Starla’s “STAR SHOWER…!”

    “Blargh…!”

    My reaction exactly.

  14. Admiral Sakai says:

    the sound of his words, he summoned up a whole bunch of pies, but not the kind you would eat. These plié were thrown in the monsters face. The creams were in face gross bits of slime which ran down the monster, and the heat from its fires caused the slime to harden into a shell slowing him down..

    I am without words.

  15. Admiral Sakai says:

    Dreams may seem scary at the times; you must always remember that they cannot really harm you.

    Well, there was that one Twilight Zone episode…

  16. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: Which, to his complete and utter shock…did not try to murder him.

    And to our eternal disappointment.

  17. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Nora: As opposed to bittersweet nightmares, salty nightmares, and nightmares that taste of liars.

    I like my nightmares with a twist of lemon.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: Something I like to call Star Trek Syndrome. What’s this? A gun with a transporter attached that can allow you to assassinate anyone on a station no matter where you are and is impossible to trace? Let’s never bring it up again.

    Gilligan’s Island was pretty bad about that too. We had a plan that nearly worked but got screwed up at the last second. Let us never try it again despite the proximity to success.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Fucking Maleficent…

  20. TacoMagic says:

    The energy seemed to emerge from the unicorns and moved like a stream of fireflies,

    It didn’t actually do tha-

    Nora: But this didn’t actually happen because it only SEEMED like that happened. Mykan, learn what words mean.

    Listen to the woman, author, she knows what she’s talking about!

  21. TacoMagic says:

    And the way they’re reacting to them makes me wonder if these people are all toddlers, because this is how a toddler reacts to a nightmare.

    And kindergarteners as well. That’s one of those parenting quirks I hadn’t expected to spend as much time dealing with as I do.

  22. "Lyle" says:

    I think I finally understand what’s going on here: MLP:FiM was too complicated for Mykan to understand. He was angry at his inability to comprehend the sensical plot lines and wrote something so dumbed down that only himself and a few single-celled amoebae would be able to follow it.

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      Wow. A nightmare about being chased by ghost plants. Now I’ve seen everything.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        I think you hit the nail on the head. MLP is too complex for Mykan to understand, so instead of ponies of different tribes with distinct characteristics, we get an entire nation of alicorns with numbers, NUMBERS, instead of Cutie Marks. Instead of interesting villains like Discord, we get incompetent idiots that feel too cartoonish even in a cartoon. Also, the name “Ponyville” (and all the other horse-pun based location names) is already, admittedly, dumb enough. But Mykan somehow tops that with color based location names. Seriously, is there a Lavender Town somewhere too? (Maybe the townspeople were all driven to suicide by the music or something)

        P.S. ignore the comment above, hit reply by mistake.

      • Admiral Sakai says:

        Seriously, is there a Lavender Town somewhere too? (Maybe the townspeople were all driven to suicide by the fanfic or something)

        Fixed it for you.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      … Hello, epileptic forest!

  23. TacoMagic says:

    EGG BOMB

    Obligatory Pokémon move link:

    Egg Bomb

  24. "Lyle" says:

    Nora: How has Titan not taken over the world yet?

    Because he keeps asking toddlers to devise plans of attack and agreeing with them that it will work, when it’s so painfully obviously that it won’t.

  25. "Lyle" says:

    Cookie Dough hardly ever entered battles as it was believed his magic was only for quick wits.

    Cornelia: What was his magic again?

    He can make fondant that doesn’t taste like ass.

  26. "Lyle" says:

    Soon, they were standing tall and proud and ready for action.

    For a moment I thought we’d accidentally gotten mixed up with “Celebrian” and I became very nervous.


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