1327: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken – Chapter Thirteen

Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Author: MaesterDimentio
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck and Crunchy Raptor

Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back to Fire Emblem: ReAwaken!

Crunchy: Please do tell me that polecat has vanished.

He has, Crunchy, don’t worry. And I made sure to tell Bifocals not to drag in any more people from the FBA. Enough goes down in their daily lives that we don’t need them coming here.

C: Good. I do think I will miss him, though. He was fun to rib.

Just be careful not to do it too much to other folks, yeah? You don’t want to do that.

Anyway, folks, we’re back with more Fire Emblem: ReAwaken. And this is past the point this story jumped the shark. So we’re just going to pick up where we left off and go from there, yeah?

We pick up with this:

In his and Kale’s shared room, Daven pounded the wall with his fist. Hard. “That bastard, just why is he showing up here now?”

Because the plot demanded it?

C: Of course it would.  Plots are generally demanding.

Especially with this one, no doubt.

C: Especially with this one.

He gritted his teeth as he rested his forehead against the cool wood. He had to have followed someone… The only question is how he followed them and who it was. And… if they’re still… “No, I can’t think like that. If I act like I’ve been defeated, then I will have been defeated. I just have to focus and not panic…”

Which is, of course, why you’re doing a fine job of not focusing and panicking.

C: What do you expect from a clumsy character?

Hey! He may be clumsy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t focus! I mean, shit, it’s not like we’re asking him to carry around a completely out-of-nowhere twist about his identity that—

Sighing, he turned around and slumped against the wall, looking up towards the ceiling. Father… I desperately could use your guidance. If only you and mother were still among us.


C: *points* The church is that way.

Why do I get the feeling he’s not talking about that version of “father”?

His hand instinctively went to his chest, to where the memento his father had left him hung from a silver chain.

C: That might be it there.

I hate being genre savvy.

Anyway, he then realizes that his memento the story mentions isn’t there. He freaks out, we get some exposition about it, and then he’s like “okay, let’s just focus, breathe in and out…”

Okay, where could I have- wait… Kale’s blade! It nearly cut my head off but it did scrape my chest in the fight, which means…

Looking out the window, he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that the sun still hung relatively high in the sky, though it would soon turn dark. “I will get it back.” he told himself as he walked towards the door and left the room, a determined look set on his face.

C: Well, if nothing else, he is not prone to conveniently timed anxiety attacks.

Nope. There’s that.

Anyway, we then get a line break, and who should we cut back to but the King of the Basics?

“Garrett, are you sure that you’re alright?” I ask for, possibly, the hundredth time.

C: He just attempted the dumbest double-cross in the history of dumb double-crosses, and you are asking if he is well? I would ask if you had told him to seek a professional, but then I remember that there are no such people in this universe. Poor form, really.

We’re all situated in chairs outside of the infirmary where Libra and a few of the other monks have gone to work on healing Krysta. From what I was told after the battle, her fever had gone way down and it seemed like the infection was fading fast, which was a relief.

And you couldn’t have shown us any of this because…?

She was in good hands, so my mind was taken off of that worry, only to be occupied by Garrett, who constantly shifted in his chair, like he was uncomfortable or in pain.

“Like I’ve been saying, I’m fine.” he states, though there’s a slight twinge of pain on his face as he shifts. He shoots a look at Genevieve and Myra, who both look away, before turning back to look at me.


C: Their slaps were so hard it is still causing Garrett pain? Would they not form a bruise in that situation?

Yep. Which either means that bruises somehow don’t work the same way in this universe, or Kale really is that unobservant. Which do you take?

C: As that smelly polecat would have said: option B.


“I’m more curious about you, kid. I didn’t see much of it, but it seems to me like you took down Randy with-”

“Randell. His name was Randell.” I say simply, cutting him off abruptly. “I won’t say that he was a good person, but there’s a saying where I come from: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Even if he did pull some really bad stuff, he deserves at least a little bit of respect for fighting to the end.”

And suddenly, funeral planners were kicking themselves for their failure to hire this guy to deliver the eulogy at Jihadi John’s funeral.


I look at the others, who just stare at me with a mixture of surprise, confusion, and even a bit of pride.

C: Evidently they see how stupid the logic you have presented is.

No kidding.

Anyway, Garrett is all “um, you took down Randell without hesitation, what’s going on? And then—

“This is really something that I should’ve told you all before, but… Well, I suppose there’s not a better time than the present.” I sigh and lean back in my chair. “I have a disorder.


Oh dear God, this shit again.

C: Shall we skip as much as we can?


Anyway, they discuss that stupid anxiety plot line some more. To be more specific, Kale explains his disorder, Arashi chimes in, and then we get this:

“Alright, well… that day was a first in two ways: it was the first time I’d run out of my medicine in a very long time and it was the first time I’d ever taken a life in combat.” I wait to see if anyone plans on saying anything before continuing. No one says anything, but they’ve focused even more of their attention on me. “I’d never fought for my life before. Hell, the only time I’d ever picked up a sword was for a bit of sparring practice with my friends, and even then it was with practice blades.

I guess whoever ran that dojo forgot to tell you all the basics of maintaining a real sword, huh? I can just imagine Fraug’s conniptions right about now. His old swordsmanship teacher back in Vermont would also probably be on his way to throttle whoever let Kale get his hands on a practice blade, but one thing at a time.

Killing that man, it stuck with me, though it didn’t start to cause real problems until the effects of the medicine wore off.”

I would debate it caused real problems for the rest of us well before that point, but hey, nothing says “I’m suffering the debilitating effects of killing a man” three fucking times to do that, right?

I laugh nervously and scratch the back of my head. “Its… embarrassing to say the least. Mainly because of how stupid it was of me to keep something this important from you all. So, I’m sorry. For keeping secrets from you all and for leaving you all behind.”

C: I wonder if that apology is to the reader as well for basically pulling that from—

Hey, hey! Ease up, Crunchy: MaesterDimentio himself admitted it was a pretty crap thing to do, so I think you can take it a bit easier on Kale, yeah?

C: *groan* Very well.

Besides, we’re bound to get the obligatory “everyone accepts it anyway” bit, right?

Everyone’s silent, which makes me worry just a tad.

“I don’t see any reason that you have to be sorry.” Marco finally says. “Like you said, you don’t have much control over it, so we can’t really hold it against you.” He looks at Myra who smiles. “Add in the fact that you’ve saved my sister a few times in the past and I think I can let something this minor slide.”

“Besides,” Garrett chimes in, “you’re a damn decent guy. For a kid, of course.” He smirks as he adds in the last part. “And you’re dealing with the whole remorse thing better than a lot of people have. I told you about how some of my old friends went through the same thing and snapped, and they didn’t have some kind of disorder. I’d say the fact that you held out for so long is pretty damn impressive.”

Genevieve nods at this. “Undoubtedly true, Garrett. While it would have been most helpful for all of us if you had informed us of your disadvantage, to say that we all don’t have horrendously embarrassing secrets would be an abhorrent lie.”

Called it.

C: Not completely. We still must deal with the delegated sychophant, no?

Do you really think the fic is going to let Albert get away with defaming the Gary Stu further after he’s explained himself?

C: … No?

Good boy:

Albert sits up from his seat, where he’s been quiet this entire time, looking at the floor. “While I’m not going to say, by any stretch of the imagination, that I like you or that I forgive you for what happened to Captain Rorik,” he pauses, trying to plan out the words he wants to use, “I-I guess that it isn’t your fault if it was something that you’re born with.” He begins to lean back only to sit back up with a start. “And, since I didn’t get the chance to earlier, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I don’t completely hate you. Consider me neutral towards yourself.”

See? There you go.

C: I wish neither of us were so genre savvy.

Hey, at least you don’t have to deal with Lackey McEvil anymore! That’s a relief, right?

C: An infinitesimally small relief, yes.

So then, Albert sits down, and then we get this:

“So Kale, you don’t have to apologize for any of what happened back at the mansion.” Marco says, turning back to face me. “You made a mistake but, hey, we all do. We’re people, right? So, when you or anyone else in this group makes a mistake, we won’t judge you or them. We’re your friends and we’ll stick by you.” Everyone, even Albert, nods in agreement.

C: I have the feeling sappy, sappy music is required.

Let me get right on that!

C: … That is not sappy.

I know. Now imagine that playing while all this is going on:

I… Damn, I know this is going to sound bad, but I honestly feel like crying right now. Why was I so worried about what they’d say if I told them about my disorder? Marco and Myra both took me in when they had no idea who I was. Garrett, kinda, opened up to me about his past and Genevieve was willing to ask me and the others for help. “Oh boy, he’s crying. Anyone want to start grabbing buckets?”

“Shut up!” I shoot back, wiping the moisture from my eyes. “I can’t help it. I was just so afraid of what you all might say if you found out about me and, to hear you all saying these things… You don’t know how much it means to me. Thank you.” I manage to say as I hold back the tears. I’ll cry later. Preferably in my room, with the door locked.

C: … Sometimes I wonder just how much I really stick out from you people.

Good, you got it.

Anyway, Kale asks for a status update on Krysta. Libra says she’ll be ready to go the next morning, before turning away. Keeping up with his long-standing tradition of being utterly unobservant of his surroundings, Kale suddenly realizes it’s evening. As he realizes this…

Apparently so.” Arashi rumbles. “Also Kale, I would like to speak to you at the nearest convenient time. It pertains to your role as the Harbinger and just what your duties entail, as well as… other things that I feel must be disclosed.”

Well, that doesn’t sound ominous at all.” I deadpan.

C: Be thankful this force does not see the need to hide information from you until it is absolutely guaranteed to ruin your day.

No kidding. I mean, it’s like—

Wait, did I just deadpan in my mind? How does that work?

… You imagine yourself saying it in a deadpan tone of voice? Why is that such a hard concept to grasp?

C: Well, he is the King of the Basics. I am only glad the polecat is not here to witness this.

No kidding.

Kale is then “sure, but let it wait for a bit”. He then decides to turn in for the night, and Garrett replies with:

“That actually doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea.” Garrett says, rubbing his chin. “Lot of stuff happened today… A lot of stuff I’m probably going to be sore from.”

He says that with a glare towards Genevieve and Myra, who both look away at the same time. Standing up, he pats my shoulder and starts heading towards the rooms the monks gave them. Looking at him walk, I realize that he… doesn’t exactly look comfortable.

Turning to look at the two girls, I frown. “Okay, what happened?”

C: A very, very dumb attempt at double-crossing someone.

Yeah, Kale, be thankful you’re not being told what happened. Because that’s exactly what happens: Marco, Genevieve, and Myra don’t speak up about what happened.

After that, Marco asks about the raven-masked swordsman, before he relays the whole “don’t let fear rule your life thing”. Kale is all “I don’t think it’s needed anymore”, before being all “I’ve got a lot to lose” and walking away.

And speak of the devil, but we cut to:

From his vantage point beside the window, the raven-masked swordsman smiled beneath his mask at the new development. Guess he didn’t need my words after all. Good job, Kale. You’ll make a fine warrior someday. He allowed himself a small laugh. But, I guess I already knew that. Stay safe.

C: Is the Stu stroking quite finished yet?

Well, it’s about to be finished. I hope.

Anyway, raven-masked man sees someone approach, but pays it no mind before he walks away. We then cut back to Kale as he finds that Daven isn’t in their shared room. Arashi is all “perhaps we could use this time to talk”, thankfully being the one who doesn’t want to drag out this all-important conversation.

C: I will give MaesterDimentio this: it is a rather refreshing change of pace from sovereign deities who see it fit not to tell relevant people what they are supposed to do in the interest of being “mystical”.

No kidding. After seeing that get abused to fuck in Parallel Realities, this is a relief!

So then Kale sits down, and…

Very well, I shall cut straight to the heart of the matter. Kale, as my Harbinger, your duty is simple: you must find where I rest and awaken me, so that I may once again take my place as the Beast of the Heavens.” he says with all the normalness in the world, as if he’d just asked me to go grab a soda for him.

Which is a normal action, so wouldn’t that be—


Oh, for—

C: Calm yourself, parrot. I am prepared.

Prepared? Prepared how?

*sounds of screaming, followed by light saber sounds*

… When did Markus learn how to use a lightsaber?

C: I showed him the new Star Wars movie.

Oh, you gave him Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, then. Huh. Fitting, if I don’t say so myself.

C: Indeed.

“I understand that you may feel apprehensive about awakening me, especially after my test,

Hey, he’s not the one reeling from how stupid it was, we are. Say that to us, if you don’t mind!

Anyway, our deity here explains that his spirit is stuck inside the sword, and that unless someone can reunite his fang with his body, he’ll basically be forced to sleep forever until “my very essence fades from existence”. Kale sympathizes with him because it was related sadly, and then Kale asks how long it’s been. Arashi’s answer?

Since before the fall of Grima.”

So that’s why nobody else has heard of this thing before? Well, if nothing else, it’s an okay attempt to cover the story’s ass.

C: Still rather obvious, though…

My eyes widen in shock. 1000+ years!? “W-well, do you know who did this to you or why? And hey, where’s your body located at?” I know this might turn out horribly, but… God help my poor soul, I just can’t abandon someone! Even if they’re a sword-spirit-thing! “Look, I won’t lie and say I trust you completely, not after that testing bullshit you pulled, but at the same time… Well, I did say I’d become your Harbinger, so I guess there’s no getting out of this.” I admit with a smile.

Well, it’s good to see Kale asking the relevant questions and not bitching about his new duties. After all the basic bitching we got earlier, that’s a relief.

C: Alas, the polecat would have liked to see this, I am certain.

I thank you for your kind words, but… I only wish I knew the answer to your questions.”


You see… at the same time that I was robbed of my body, my memory of who did it, their reason, and even where my body now lays has been ripped from me. As much as I try to remember, it is of no use: I have no idea as to where my body lies.”

C: It is rather silly when the whole reason the deity cannot tell you where the McGuffin is located can be summed up as “I forgot”.

…What. “Let me get this straight: you don’t know where you are- where your body is, I mean, and you want me to go and find it for you?” I shake my head and softly facepalm.

It’s so silly even Kale can’t believe how silly it is.

C: You have admittedly seen much worse, though.

Yes, Crunchy, I have.

Kale responds being all “well, I might as well” in his thoughts, while telling Arashi “it’s big, but we’ll find it!”

“Plus, if we get into any trouble, I can use some of your powers to get us out of-”

I would advise against using my powers with reckless abandon!” he cuts me off quickly, leaving me surprised. “You see,” he starts nervously, which seriously is scaring the crap out of me, “should you use my powers too quickly in a short span of time or a great majority of them, there is a very, very, very real chance that…

You could die.”


C: And here it comes…

“D-d-die!? Why are you just telling me this now!?” I shout, not really caring that someone could potentially hear me.

Why did you think I wanted to talk to you!?” he retorts and then takes a deep breath. “Kale, at the moment, I am channeling a part of my essence, my very existence, from my fang into your body. This act is what gives the fang its current shape, as it is based on the desires and wishes of the wielder, and it also allows the wielder to tap into my power. However, doing this puts a great strain on the wielder’s body, to the point where the body can fail completely should too much of my essence be channeled at once.”

C: So there is a supposed drawback to using Arashi’s power.

You’re really buying it this quickly?

C: What do you take me for, an idiot? Of course not, parrot! I doubt this fic will set limits very well.

I nod shakily. “Okay, so how much is too much? Say I need to really use your power in the middle of a major battle: what should I be on the lookout for?”

That’s hard to say, in all honesty. The amount of my essence that you can channel depends on several factors, one of the most important being your stamina. If you tried to use my power when you are tired, it could very well kill you outright.”

C: Therefore, you do not know.

Yep. Which means, of course, you could take the Subject 23 approach and basically make it into “and suddenly it didn’t matter what his drawbacks were, as long as it allowed him to save the girl he wants to bang by stopping time by freezing the air or some shit like that”.

C: There is no over-simplified version of a character to do that to, though.

Not the point, Crunchy. The point is, the lack of definition will allow this fic to stretch that so Kale can survive anything. I’m pretty sure you knew that, though.

C: What kind of an Awesome McEvil would I be if I fell for such folly?


I hear him take another deep breath. “I apologize for this, but it is the only way for you to properly wield my fang. Without my essence being channeled through your body, you would not even be able to lift it.”

Oh shaddap, you’re not sorry. You wouldn’t have pulled Kale in with the promise of being able to help his friends if you were.

C: That is another thing I find interesting: what is with the sudden benevolent guardian act? Was it not Arashi himself that enticed Kale forward by promising him the ability to protect his friends?

Yeah. Now that you frame it that way, it does sound rather like something this fuck would do:

And now he’s doling out the caring guardian routine, especially after that bullshit test of character where he needlessly sacrificed hundreds of lives just to make a point.

C: I can understand a more ambiguous being living inside your head, but I hardly think you accomplish such ambiguity by being completely confusing about it!

Yeah. There’s a difference between being ambiguous and just being plain confusing. This is just confusing, because Arashi’s nature as a deity changes so rapidly in so short a time it pretty much throws everything he does into question, and for all the wrong reasons. Seriously, was anything about Arashi ever planned out? Because I doubt it was…

I let out a sigh followed by a groan of frustration. “…Don’t apologize. I chose to become your Harbinger, right? I drew the Blade and all… So, I’ll just have to learn to be a strong fighter without having to rely on you too much. It’s not that big of a problem I suppose.” Right now, if I was Pinocchio, my nose would likely be reaching my back.

But you’re not complaining about it. That’s an improvement over your old self.

C: A Gary Stu getting character development? What strange magicks are these?

I’d just have to tilt my head to scratch between my shoulders. “Okay, is that all?”

As a certain pig would say: That’s all, folks.”

C: Did the deity from another dimension just make a Porky Pig reference?

Did… did he just- “What did you just say?” I can feel my jaw slowly lowering to the floor in shock. That was Porky Fucking Pig! How does he know Porky Pig!?

Uh… yeah! What the Stu said!

“…I suppose there is one last, tiny detail. You see, since we are now… united, I have access to your… your memories. And, as fate would have it, I was wrong: you are indeed from another world entirely. Quite the fascinating world as well, I might add.”

I proceed to introduce my face to my palm. “How long have you known this?” I mutter.

For as long as you’ve been my Harbinger officially.” I hear a twinge of apology in his voice.

Okay… um… Well. Here’s what MaesterDimentio probably thought he created way back when:

Here’s what he actually created:

C: Quite the odd comparison, no?

You know it’s true, Crunchy!

C: … Fair point.

I just weakly nod my head. “Well, alright then.” Reaching over, I grab him and fasten him to my belt. “I’ve had enough talking for tonight, if you don’t mind. I’m going out for a bit of fresh air… You’re coming with me just in case I need a weapon or you decide to tell me anything else that might beimportant.”

As I stride out the door, I hear him mutter, “…fair enough…”

So then Kale steps outside, and we cut to him as he steps outside, where—

The night air is cold, but luckily, Arashi’s new coat for me has long sleeves and is pretty warm. I’d ask him how he got the material to create these clothes for me, but then he’d probably tell me that he used my own body hair to create them or something. “…Did you use my body hair to create these clothes?”


Kale, this is Fire Emblem, not goddamn Bayonetta! I know Arashi already breaks Fire Emblem canon irreparably just by the fact that he exists, but I don’t think he’d break canon that badly, now, would he?

NO!” he growls. “Like the fang, they are a representation of your wishes and desires. I manifested them myself by infusing your old clothing with my energy. So no, this isn’t your own body hair.”

And thank Christ for that minor mercy.

Anyway, Kale bumps into Daven, who is still looking for the thing his father gave him. Kale offers to help, and thus, Daven describes it as…

He nods wearily. “R-right… Well, it’s a ring… A bit oddly designed, with a green stone in the center of it.” He pulls out a piece of broken chain from within his coat. “With any luck, it should be attached to the rest of this.

C: A ring? Interesting…

What, you’ve never had a ring as a keepsake?

C: Mother never loved me enough to give me a ring as a keepsake.

Weren’t you on a planet of dinosaurs to whom the entire concept of rings was basically one of those things that just didn’t happen?

C: … Be quiet, parrot.

Thanks for helping me with this Kale; this ring really means a lot to me. It was… my father’s, and now that he’s gone, its-”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “Say no more. I know how it is to lose your father, so I’m not going to bring up any painful memories or anything like that.”

“You know, just like I randomly brought up how I know what it’s like to lose a father. I won’t bring anything up, trust me.”

Returning to my search, I run over what he said in my head. Weird looking ring with a green stone in set in the center… Would be better if we were looking in the daylight, but- Oh, is that it? My fingers curl around something cold and metallic. I bring it up to my face to examine it, squinting in the moonlight. “Hey Daven, I think I-” Its almost as if time stops as I look at the ring. N-no fucking way… There’s no possible fucking way that this is-

C: Is now the time when I spin the Wheel of Coincidence?

C: What?

You have a Wheel of Coincidence?

C: And you do not? What sort of Librarian are you that you do not have a Wheel of—

Oh, nevermind. Sure, give it a spin.

C: *spins the wheel* I do wonder what coincidence we shall receive today…

“Father’s ring!” Daven cries, lunging towards me and it. I pull away, letting him crash to the ground beside me. “Hey, what’s going- Kale? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

No, no, not a ghost… Possibly something a bit more frightening however. “Daven, you said this was your father’s ring, right?” He nods, a confused look crossing his face. “Well, what if I told you that I recognize this ring? That,” I take in a deep, shaky breath, “this ring belongs to me?”

C: *watches as the wheel stops* And “one character’s keepsake is the same as the other character’s keepsake” it is!

Oh no…

C: What now?

If this is what I think it is…

He vigorously shakes his head. “That’s not possible. My father had this ring forged after a ring his own father had when he was a boy. There’s only one like it in existence.” He wrenches the ring out of my grasp and holds it close to his body, almost like Gollum from Lord of the Rings would hold the One Ring. “Tell me, if this really is your ring, then what is the name of the stone set in the-”

“While it may look like an emerald at first glance, the stone itself is called alexandrite and can change color depending on the lighting. The ring itself is made out of part gold and part silver.” I say, panting heavily as a complete look of shock comes over Daven’s face. “I should know this because Idesigned the thing! Daven, that is my ring!” But… if that’s my class ring, and its here for some reason, and he’s saying that it’s his father’s… then that means…


Fuck, it is what I think it is…

OH GOD, HELP ME! My heart starts to beat heavily as I see tears welling up in Daven’s eyes.

“I-it’s you…” he whispers, barely loud enough for me to hear him. “I- we knew that we’d find you if we came back, like Lu- Marth, said, but I never thought…” Before I can even react, he’s HUGGING ME! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! “FATHER! I’VE FINALLY FOUND YOU!”

C: Wait, hold a minute! The King of the Basics procreated?

I’m just glad Sterling isn’t here. The poor guy would’ve had a heart attack.

C: You are calling the smelly polecat a— *sigh* Never mind. You are aware this is a physical impossibility, no?


C: So how is it possible that this man is Daven’s father?

That… um…

No Jerry Springer, I am not the father!


Okay, that’s actually a genuinely funny line right there, especially as a guy who lives in Cincinnati for most of the year.

C: Not the point, parrot. How is it possible that—

NO! This is- NO!

Kale, I believe you are missing something here-“

What, other than the fact that he’s my future son!? Because yes, I know that happens, and since you have my memories, that means you know about the events- YOU KNOW ABOUT THE EVENTS OF THE GAME!”

C: … This is something in the game?

So you know how Daven almost said “Lucina”, before correcting himself and saying “Marth”? Yeeeeeaaaaah, that’s tied into that.

C: Marth?

Ah, yes, time for another SC-Style Info Dump!

You see, in the early parts of Fire Emblem: Awakening, Chrom is kind of followed around by a masked swordsman. This masked swordsman calls themselves “Marth”, after the legendary hero of times past in Ylisse (and yes, this Marth is the very same Marth from the very first Fire Emblem game, and its subsequent remakes/sequels set in the same universe). However, her mask comes off a little later in the game.

Hence, you then get Lucina:

Here she be.

Now, Lucina is a special case, because… well, as it turns out, Lucina is Chrom’s daughter from the future.

C: Hold, what did you just say?

Yeah, Lucina is Chrom’s daughter from the future. See, in this bad future, the world went to shit because Grima got awakened. Naga’s last-ditch attempt to prevent this bad future was to save the children of the protagonists of Awakening and send them back in time to help Chrom stop Grima’s awakening from happening.

C: … This is a fantasy series, yes? How is time travel involved?

Because it is. Oh, and by the way, characters having children is even a gameplay mechanic. Those S supports for the adult characters? That binds them in a marriage, which then affects the stats of the children they have. So it’s kind of a big part of the game.

C: Then that means…

Yep. Kale reproduced, had a kid, and now that kid is a charac—


*douses Crunchy with hydrochloric acid*


Trust me Crunchy, I know the idea of Kale bumping uglies and producing a child is hardly your idea of a good time. I know, because I feel it myself. But it will serve no purpose. Do you understand?


Yeah, yeah, keep dreaming. *pours water on Crunchy’s face*

C: Ah, much better.

Well, yes, I do, and it is shocking to know this world is in essence an interactive book in your world, but-“

NO! This is- How is this- What is this!? How do I have a son!?”

Kale! Shut up and listen, because you clearly didn’t hear him when he said ‘we knew’.”


He clearly also forgot the conversation was going on, because there Arashi and Kale were having an entire conversation, presumably while Daven stood around awkwardly being like “um…”

“D-D-Daven…” I say nervously. “Suppose I believe this story that I am your father… Why did you say ‘we’ instead of ‘I’?

Probably because he went with the other children characters, right?

You are my only son, assuming that you’re correct, right?”

Um, why are you assuming that “we” means “other children I’ve fathered”? I mean, you know the events of the game, so you know there are other children from other people. I mean, it’s not like Daven would assume that “we” means other children of Kale’s, right? That can’t… That…

C: You must be joking.

I feel him tense up at the same time my heart feels like its going to burst. “You- you’ve got to be shitting me!”

“Well… Alright, I know this must be coming as quite the shock to you, Father, but…” He hesitates. He hesitates while I’m sitting over here having a damned heart attack! Speak, damn you! Speak! “I suppose I’ve already revealed the surprise, so… I have two younger brothers and a sister.” he says quickly, rushing it all out.


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?” I scream, shooting to my feet shakily. The world starts to spin around me, and the last thing, oh the very last thing I just had to hear before I fall unconscious from the shock is:



Bet you didn’t see that coming, now did you?

I… definitely did not, MaesterDimentio. I mean, I knew the children mechanic would come into play, but I didn’t think that would involve—

C: *draws his lightsaber* This fanfiction is dead!

Crunchy! Hold back! Hold back, I say!

C: This is a travesty! How is it that the King of the Basics has been allowed to reproduce!? This must be stopped at all costs! I must—

*grabs a comm unit* Sura, get your ass down here! Crunchy’s about to lose his shit on a fanfic!

C: If you think a measly asari police officer will stop me, you have quite another thing—

Sura T’Lenya: *rushes in, tranquilizing Crunchy immediately*

C: … Ring around the rosies, a pocket full… of… *falls to the ground, snoring*

ST’L: Hope I wasn’t too late.

Nope, you came just in time.

Well, folks, that was this chapter of Fire Emblem: ReAwaken. There’s an author’s note at the end of the chapter, but I think we can skip that this time. Especially after the mindfuck we just saw which, while it’s not that mindfucky, is still pretty crazy.

We’ll see you next time.

*shuffles up to Crunchy* Say, Sura, help me tie this man up, would you?

ST’L: Let’s hope he doesn’t use the Force to break out…


17 Comments on “1327: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken – Chapter Thirteen”

  1. TacoMagic says:

    I wait to see if anyone plans on saying anything before continuing. No one says anything, but they’ve focused even more of their attention on me.

    That’s the wordiest way I’ve ever seen “I pause dramatically” written.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Everyone’s silent, which makes me worry just a tad.

    “Just a little bit. Not much. It’s lucky I don’t have any problems with anxiety or I’d probably be having some issues right now.”

  3. TacoMagic says:

    Oh, you gave him Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, then. Huh. Fitting, if I don’t say so myself.

    In fact, Marcus, weren’t you raised by your grandfather who passed on his legacy of evil to you?

    *Markus leans into the room and gives Taco the finger*

    Yeah, thought so.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    I proceed to introduce my face to my palm.

    You know, you keep doing that, but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect. Here, let me help.


  5. TacoMagic says:

    “Daven, you said this was your father’s ring, right?” He nods, a confused look crossing his face. “Well, what if I told you that I recognize this ring? That,” I take in a deep, shaky breath, “this ring belongs to me?”

    Markus, get in here! I think you’re about to finally be beaten for most stupid teleportation into another universe!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hey, it at least makes sense with Fire Emblem: Awakening’s mechanics. Still stupid, but it makes sense if we consider that the two candidates for Daven’s mom are kind of obvious!

      • TacoMagic says:

        Damn, you’re right.

        Sorry, Marcus, your universe transition is still the stupidest.

        *Markus floats a sculpted hand giving the finger into the room toward Taco*

        Huh, you captured the hand very well. You can even see the fine grooves on the fing-



  6. Swenia says:

    *shuffles up to Crunchy* Say, Sura, help me tie this man up, would you?

    ST’L: Let’s hope he doesn’t use the Force to break out…

    *Walks in with a Ysalamir in her arms*

    Who wants a present!?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Sura: Why thank you, don’t mind if I do. *takes Ysalamir*

      Yeah, whatever that does will help.

      • Swenia says:

        It projects this neat little bubble that completely disrupts the ability to control the Force about a meter in every direction. It helps to have one around when the toddler is trying to steal cookies with the Force.

  7. "Lyle" says:

    Right now, if I was Pinocchio, my nose would likely be reaching my back.

    …What the fuck does that even mean? Pinocchio’s nose grows outward from his face when he lies. Is Kale here trying to imply that he is lying so much that his nose has circled the world and is about to poke him between the shoulder blades?

  8. "Lyle" says:

    Bet you didn’t see that coming, now did you?

    *stares at the screen*

    *looks down at the coffee in her hand, sniffs it, then sets it aside and pushes it gently away as far as her arm will stretch*

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