1324: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by Lyle

How much more of this shit do we have?

Koori: We’ve finished thirteen chapters of twenty three, so ten.

Fuck.  Okay.  Go get some strong tea because we’re going to get through three chapters today.  The word count for all three together, including chapter titles, totals at 863 words so we should be able to get through it without any difficulty.  While you get the tea, I’ll do the recap.

Koori:  Are we expecting her to show up, or are two mugs enough?

*presses lips into a thin line*  She’s supposed to be manning her new coffee stand in the lobby, but that doesn’t mean she won’t ditch duty to join us.  Better grab a third mug just in case.

Koori: Kuso.  *poofs from the room*

I’d tell her to watch her mouth but I’m really not one to talk.  While Koori is getting the tea, let’s recap last week.  There wasn’t much so this shouldn’t take very long.  In fact, I can sum it up in a single sentence.

Kitty failed to eat Jell-O.

Let’s just get to today’s chapters.

Chapter 14: Going Home

Oh, thank god she’s not going to be at the hospital anymore!  I’m really tired of being stabbed in the neck.

*Koori poofs in with two mugs and a shot glass, and a larger-than-usual pot of tea but not the BIG teapot*

Koori:  She said she will join us when she breaks for lunch.

So you’re  going to serve her tea in a shot glass?

Koori:  She said she would be bringing her own refreshment.  She picked this out herself.

Ah.  What do we have in the pot today?

Koori:  *fills both mugs*  That lovely Earl Gray Mr. Lyle bought you for Christmas.


That was the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to me. It was the first time, since my childhood, that I had to be spoon fed by someone besides myself. He was a very nice man to do that for me, but why?

Because you couldn’t figure out how to lift a bowl to your face to snarf it down yourself.

“You are very kind, Mr. Wonka.”

“I told you I would do anything to help, and I’m not backing down. I owe you anyway; you took four inches of metal through your arm for me.”

No she didn’t.  That knife was never aimed for Wonka.  Mr. Murderer McEvil was aiming for Kitty the entire time.

“I would have done it for anybody. I wanted to teach that man a lesson.”

Koori:  What possible lesson could getting yourself stabbed in the arm teach him?  That you are stabbable?

Well, he definitely learned that lesson, didn’t he.

He seemed offended by that, as if I had said something bad about him. “What?”

Yes, what?

“Nothing. Are you still hungry?” He was avoiding it. I caught a glimpse of his eyes again. Why did they look so familiar? I had seen them someplace before…

Because you’ve been talking to him for over a day and you’ve seen his eyes before.  Seriously, what the hell is with this girl?

The nurse came in, picked up my tray, and left with it. A moment later, she returned. “Here are your clothes. You are free to leave now. Be out of here by eleven o’clock, need to clean up you know.”

Koori:  *summons an ice senbon and waves it at Lyle*  Deep breath or else.

*Lyle smacks Koori’s hand away*

I’ll freak the fuck out if I want to freak the fuck out.  Now get my chalkboard, intern.

1.)  Kitty is at a fucking hospital, not a hotel.  There’s no “check out” time at a hospital.  You leave when you’re discharged.  This typically happens during the day, but you don’t have to be out by a certain time.

2.) Your clothing would have been left in the room with you.  They wouldn’t have taken it off somewhere else.

3.)  Nurses are not wait-staff.  A member of the janitorial or kitchen staff would have taken that tray.  Nurses work 12+ hour shifts full of vomit, blood, and people screaming at them.  They have enough to do without busing your fucking Jell-O tray.

4.)  When you leave the hospital, there’s a shit ton of paperwork you’re supposed to sign to be discharged.  Among that is AT-FUCKING-HOME-CARE.  You’ve been stabbed through the arm.  You have sutures and bandages.  You’ll be sent with prescriptions and follow-up instructions for seeing a G.P. to get your sutures removed.  There will be papers with phone numbers in case of emergency.


Koori:  *shoves Lyle’s mug of tea into her hands*  Drink.

*guzzles tea*

“I’ll be right back; I need to put these back on.”

I went and got dressed, and once I came out, he was waiting for me. I was tired, and wanted to leave. He could sense that. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Where, pray tell, did you go? Did you go into the hallway and get dressed?  The bathroom?  Why not just pull the privacy curtain around your bed and dress that way?

“Home?” I hadn’t heard that in so long.


I actually had a home.

Whoop-da-dee-doo.  Look at how much I care.

Koori:  At least that chapter is over.  It’s amazing how so much nothing had enough something to set you off.

*door bursts open and Lina stands in the doorway, fists on hips*

Lina:  I have arrived!

Koori: …goody.

Chapter 15: Walking Home

Lina: Oh, they’re out of the hospital?


I checked out of the hospital. I then realized something. Mr. Wonka didn’t own a car! “Are we walking?”

“Do you mind?”

*grinds teeth*  You just had a major injury.  While not to your legs, you shouldn’t over-exert yourself given how much blood you would have lost from a stab wound of that degree.

“It’s very cold out here, and I thought that I should keep my arm warm.”

Honestly, the temperature of your arm doesn’t matter.  You want to keep it dry, you twatfish.

Lina:  Oh, that’s a new one!  I’m going to remember that.  *drops into her chair and pulls a bottle of whiskey from somewhere.*  Anyone else want a shot?

Koori:  It’s seven in the morning!

Lina:  And?  *throws back a shot then refills the glass and offers it to Koori*  Live a little.

Koori:  Says the dead woman.  *pushes the shot away from herself and sips at her tea instead*

Lina: Hey, hey!  I’m undead, thank you very much, and even then it’s more a gray zone than that since I  breathe, bleed, and eat.  *leans in toward Koori*  I’m feeling peckish, actually.  Care to lend a neck?

Koori:  I hate you.

Ladies.  *holds up the “Get Along” shirt*

Lina:  I’m just trying to bond.  Sassybritches here needs to learn to lighten up.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure that that would be a wise choice.”

He paused for a moment. “Here.” He started to take his jacket off.

Lina:  Such a gentleman.

“No, no, please, it’s ok. You don’t have to do that.” He wasn’t listening. “No!” my tone caught his attention. He buttoned his jacket again, all the while looking like a wounded puppy. I felt really bad. It was a known fact that the injection I received was liable to make one emotional. A tear streamed down my face. “I’m sorry.”


A sedative does not cause someone to become overemotional.  Now, if they gave you an anti-depressant, that would cause you to become uncontrollably emotional.

“Shhh, don’t cry, its ok.” I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry; we’ll be home in no time. Come on, let’s go.”

Lina:  Bad touch!  Stranger danger!

Koori: I think he’s trying to be comforting.

Lina:  Siding with the fic, are we?

Koori:  Anything is better than agreeing with you.

It was about 5 minutes later, and we were there. How had we gotten there so quickly? Once I walked in the door, I was warmed. It was very cold, and heat felt really nice.

Keep your fucking numerals out of your shit-ass prose.

“Are you tired?”

“Kind of, yes.”

As there’s no attribution, I’m just going to assume they walked in on a couple Oompa Loompas talking.

I looked around. In the middle of the floor was a coat rack with a maroon jacket hung on it. Mr. Wonka was gone, and the jacket wasn’t his. I went over to it and picked it up. It was almost identical to his, only the style seemed like that of a girl’s. Embroidered in the top left was an ‘MW’. The ‘W’ was the same, but the ‘M’ was different. I put it on, and it fit perfectly.

*squints*  How can this author fit so much suck into a single paragraph?

*Lina slides the shot glass over to Lyle while Koori rolls the chalkboard back in*

1.)  Wonka has vanished like a magician’s assistant in a tiger cage.  Again.

2.)  There’s embroidery on the TOP of a jacket.  Given the nature of a jacket, I can only imagine that the letters are on the left shoulder as that’s about as top as you can get with jackets.

3.)  Who the fuck is “MW?”  I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the W stands for “Wonka” but what of the “M”?  Her first name is Bridget.

4.)  If this jacket doesn’t have her initials on it, then it isn’t her jacket.  So why the fuck is she putting it on?

5.)  The “W” was the same as what?  As Wonka’s W?  As Volkswagen’s W?  As Times New Roman’s W?  And the M was different?  The fuck does that mean?  An M is an upside down W.  It looks pretty much the same, only flipped. Does this mean the M is using a different font, like Comic Sans?

*grabs the fic and shakes it vigorously*  Make some fucking sense, damnit!

“I see you have found your get well present.”

Lina:  Says James Mason, who is the voice of God.

Well, it’s as good a guess as anyone else could hazard at this point, so let’s go with it.

Chapter 16: My New Title

What, “twatfish” wasn’t good enough for you?

“Get well present?”

“Yes, the oompa loompas made it for you once they heard what happened.”

Good thing we’re all mind-readers and know exactly who is talking.

“But that was just last night.”

Koori:  Wait just one damn second.  Something isn’t adding up here.  *pulls out her notepad and flips a few pages back then grabs the chalk*  At 10pm, Kitty told Wonka she was tired so they made her a bed on his floor.  I’m going to tack ten minutes on for bed prep.  She fell asleep in exactly “three minutes” and had quite a few dreams.  Normally, REM sleep, the time when you dream, doesn’t take effect until an hour to an hour and a half after you start sleeping.  There are a few exceptions, such as Lyle, who tend to fall directly into REM sleep because they’re mutants or something-


Lina: *snorts and takes another shot*

Koori:  However, the story mentions that she slipped into deep sleep, which means she was not immediately in REM.  Let’s give her the generous period of one hour to start dreaming.  This will now put us at about 11:15pm.  First REM lasts approximately ten minutes, and she’s interrupted.  However, it states she dreams multiple things, so I’m going to guess she’s actually in second REM by the time she gets awoken.  Second state deep slumber is about twenty minutes, and second REM lasts longer than first.  So let’s just say she get’s woken up ten minutes into second REM.  That puts our timeline at close to midnight by the time she gets woken up.  *writes it on the board*

Lina:  You keep notes on all this stuff?

Koori:  I keep notes on everything.  My mission is reconnaissance of the Library and Konoha liaison to the Baata no Ninja.  I know everyone’s habits, favorites, and most of their quirks.  Including yours.

Lina:  *eyes Koori distrustfully*  And you’ll be keeping that to yourself, I should hope.

Koori:  If it suits me.  *flips a page in her notebook*  Let’s continue.  The shenanigans with Murderer McMustache-twirler probably took around fifteen minutes between him threatening her and then stabbing her in the arm.  *writes 0015 on the board*  Then Wonka had to take her unconscious body to the hospital.  It never specifies how he got her there, but let’s allow fifteen minutes for him to wrap her arm up and carry her to the hospital, which is apparently a five minute walk away.  Somewhere in all that, police were called to come take the bad guy back to jail.  *writes 0030 on the board*  Now we’ve got an emergency situation.  If she weren’t bleeding heavily, there’d be a wait before admittance but since she’s obviously top priority, they’ll take her immediately into prep to stabilize her for the OR.  They’ll take her vitals and a doctor will examine the wound to see what needs to be done.  Considering it was a stab wound from a 4 inch blade that went straight through her arm, they’ll intubate her and put her under full anesthesia to repair the amount of damage done.  There might be x-rays taken to assess if there was any damage to the bone that needs to be addressed.  All this will be done as soon as she is safely stabilized.  *writes that word on the board in all caps and underlines it*

Lina:  You’re starting to impress me, kiddo.

Koori:  *ignoring Lina*  It takes time to anesthetize someone.  It takes longer to put together damaged flesh and suture it closed. Miss Lyle, how long would you say Mr. Lyle’s hernia repair took?

About an hour once they rolled him into the OR.

Koori:  He wasn’t an emergency, of course, but my point is that surgery takes time.  Now, from my talks with Miss Lyle about her vet-tech days, I’ve put together a timeline for how long this surgery would have taken.  It would have taken at least ten minutes to get her into an operable state of anesthesia.  They would have needed to clean and prep the wound, another ten minutes.  Both sides would need suturing and bleeders would need to be clamped and potentially tied off.  You don’t want to just suture the hole closed or you could create a serious hematoma within the arm.  An hour is generous, if you’ve got a good surgeon working on it.  So, applying that to our timeline… *scribbles some numbers down*  We’re looking at getting her into recovery by 0200, and I’m being very generous about how long it would take her to be admitted, stabilized, and operated on.  Recovery would last another hour while the medication wore off.  *writes 0300 on the board*  Then she’ll be moved to her new room.  The time that takes is pretty negligible at this point.

Koori:  *pauses to inspect her notes*  Right, now at the beginning of chapter ten, she’s lucid and asking Wonka if he knows when they can leave.  It’s 3am and she’s wanting to know if they can leave.  Naturally, they have to stay the rest of the night.  She goes back to sleep and gets woken up again while in deep sleep.  Let’s call this 0400.  *scribbles the number down*  Between the nurse panicking and Wonka administering an unknown sedative, she’s unconscious again by 0415.  It isn’t mentioned how long she’s out for but the nurse brings Jell-O for “breakfast.”  Then they get kicked out of the hospital before eleven.  So, looking at our numbers here, we clearly see that… *scribbles math*  Kitty was in the hospital for a major stab wound and serious adverse reaction to her medication for less than ten hours.  Ten.  Hours.  That’s it.  *closes her notes and wheels the chalkboard away*

Koori:  HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!  She would have been kept for at least a period of 24 hours for observation before being released onto the streets!

This is why I’ve been so ragey about the hospital scenes.  This author has no concept, none, about how real life works.

Lina:  That was a very long digression.

“Oompa loompas are known for their efficiency with work and creativity. They work very fast.”

“I guess so.”

I ran my hand over the embroidered MW. “What does this stand for?”

“I’m not really sure. You’ll have to ask one of the oompa loompas, they’re the ones who made it.”

“Where will I find one?” he gave me a look that made me feel like I had asked a really stupid question. He snapped his fingers and instantly one of the little blue-haired men came flying in and stood before us.

Koori, can you get my book, please?  I need to check something.

Koori: *poofs from the room and returns almost immediately with a slim, yellowing book*

Thanks.  *flips it open and scans the pages*  Hm.  *double-checks the wiki*  Huh.

In no canon of Charlie/Wonka and the Chocolate Factory do the Oompa Loompas have blue hair.  In the book, the are either African pygmies (if you have a first edition) or they’re tiny white people with golden hair (a change made after Dahl received criticism about the original look).  In the 1971 movie, they had green hair and orange skin.  In the 2005 version, they’re all played by Deep Roy (aka Mohinder Purba), an Indian actor who was actually born in Kenya.  He retains his natural hair and skin color for the role, painting the Oompa Loompas as a golden-brown people with dark black-brown hair.

Where in the world did this author get blue hair from?

Lina:  Anal bag of holding.

“I’ll be right back, wait here and find out what that means.”

“Yes, sir.”

I looked down at the little man who was watching Mr. Wonka walk away. I pointed to the MW. “What does this stand for?” I asked, rather anxious.

“Well, it means…”

“Miss Wonka!” another voice chimed in. it was Mr. Wonka this time. “Sorry, I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Lina:  Couldn’t take it anymore?!  You were gone for 2/10ths of a bloody second!  Let the indentured servant speak for himself, ya prat!

“Whoa, wait a minute here. I can’t accept this title.” I tried to unbutton it, but I couldn’t. The buttons seemed to be done so tightly, they would not come undone.

Our Protagonist, ladies and gentlemen:  She can lasso a murderer with a bit of ribbon, but she’s defeated by buttons.


“You won’t get it off. The title is yours. I have waited a long time for this, you know. Congratulations, you have been crowned Miss Wonka.”

Lina:  Fuckin’ beauty pageants.  They’re all rigged.

*Lyle and Koori exchange a glance but say nothing*

I didn’t know what to say or do. Should I accept it, or try to tell him off? I liked having a title, though. I actually was somebody. I wasn’t going to let that pass me by.

A man that makes chocolate for a living, one that’s sitting on a multi-million, or potentially multi-billion dollar company wants to adopt you.  Fucking take the offer!  You’re an orphaned cat living on the good will of a local baker.  You can’t get better than this offer!

“Thank you very much, Mr. Wonka.” I was overflowing with happiness. I went over to him and planned on giving him a hug, but then caught myself. “Wait, I thought I was only staying until my arm was better.”

“Oh, no. you will be staying much longer.” He directed me through a door. “Because of your extended stay, you need a place to sleep. Miss Wonka, welcome to your new room.”


That’s it for this week, patrons!  Look how good we did, getting through three more chapters of this stupidity.

Koori:  Miss Lyle and I will see you next week!

Lina:  Now wait a second.  What about me?

Koori:  *blinks slowly at Lina, taps her notebook, smiles and says again*  Miss Lyle and I will see all these lovely patrons next week.

Lina:  Wanker.


9 Comments on “1324: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh god, this thing’s still around?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I owe you anyway; you took four inches of metal through your arm for me.”

    Well that doesn’t sound the least bit dirty…

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Chapter 16: My New Title

    Something better than “Everybody Loves Chocolate”, I hope…

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    I ran my hand over the embroidered MW. “What does this stand for?”

    My guess is Massive Waste (of time).

  5. Lina: I have arrived!

    Koori: …goody.

    Cain: *Sighs, then takes a deep breath* Kids, are you tired of annoying things happening, without you being able to drink alcohol? Well, we’ve got the perfect thing for you! Meet the Tea, Rum, and Alcoholic Ether Plethora! The T.R.U.M.P. is a state of the art Tea packet that contains Rum and Gargleblaster along with a delayed antidote to bring you back to sobriety after ten minutes! This means that you can drink away your problems without getting addicted*. This product is brought to you by Donald Trump.

    *Side effects include addiction, spontaneous combustion, bouts of Telekinesis, and turning into Donald Trump

    Cain: I apologize to you, Koori, for how patronizing that was. I apologize to you, Lyle, for advertising alcohol to Koori. I apologize to humanity for an alternate version of me introducing Donald Trump to this work with his carelessness.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    She’s supposed to be manning her new coffee stand in the lobby,

    *Walks in holding a mega-sized coffee in each hand with a stack of baked goods balanced atop each one*

    Welp, she mastered the art of the up-sale on her first day.

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