1315: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite – Chapter 4

 

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  none given
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

It’s that magical time again – the last chapter of a fic!

:spins around in chair:

WHEEE!!!

But I still have to get through the last chapter. Bugger all.

So what happened last time? There was that odd confrontation between Kyo-Sue and Random Angry Girl where Kyo-Sue felt she needed to deliver a preemptive verbal smackdown as well as info-dumping some of her family status into the narration. Afterwards, Kyo-Sue stood in front of her class a recited a poem, which is allegedly an impressive feat, and then Kyo-Sue and Lena went to the music room where the Host Club meets so that Lena can return Usa-chan to Huni-senpai.

Onward, brave Patrons!

“Welcome Princess” The host club coursed as myself and Lena walked into the room.

:eye-twitch:

The grammar continues getting worse and worse. How is this happening?

I shook my head in a great disgust, while Lena smiled widely.

Let me guess; Kyo-Sue is far too mature to fall for their compliments but Lena is a dumbass kid who is easily suckered by a pretty face?

They were dressed up as pirates; I mumbled something along the lines of idiot.

Pot, this is kettle. Kettle, pot.

“Ah what a lovely princesses they are, what is the name that belongs longs to such a beautiful maiden.” Tamaki said as he kissed my hand.

:snorts: If the host business doesn’t pan out, Tamaki-senpai would have a promising future as a manure salesman.

“I’m Kyoko Tanaka, please unhand me. My friend only wants to return Mitsukuni-Sempai his bunny.” I said and pulled my hand away as I saw Kyoya smirk.

Wait, wait, wait – what did she say her name was?

:headdesk:

She went to all the trouble of giving a completely different (and completely wrong) name to a total stranger in the last chapter but now she’s giving this one? The author didn’t even bother to put the family name first despite previously doing so for the canon characters.

Wipe that look off you face, you idiot.” I said in Italian in Kyoya direction.

She right brother you do look rather strange.” Kisa said as she walked up and smiled at me.

Does everyone speak Italian in Japan? Because that seems like a weird thing for all these characters to have in common.

” I’m sorry for their behavior there normally much more controlled than this, I’m Kisa Ootori the activities director of the Host Club.” Kisa held out her hand to me and I took it a smirk crossed my face.

:THWACK!:

STOP SMIRKING SO DAMNED MUCH!!!

Kisa you do realize I know you correct?” I ask in Italian in my Are-You-Sure-You-Aren’t-Crazy voice.

:THWACK!:

You are getting on my last ever-loving nerve, girl.

Of course I do Onii-san, but Kyoya makes me say something along the lines of that to almost everyone everyone.” Kisa said smiling at me; her voice was a normal pitched tone, replied in Italian

I am really enjoying how everyone keeps calling Kyo-Sue “big brother”. It pleases me more than it should.

Just making sure you haven’t gone crazy.” I said still speaking in a foreign langue.

Is “Dumbass” considered a foreign language now?

You would be the first to know.” She said, smirking at me.

:growls menacingly:

“For the record you spend too much time with your brother, really Kisa smirking doesn’t look good on your face.” I said back in Japanese.

Keite, baka-yarou. When the hell did you ever start speaking in Japanese?

It is odd to see someone, especially a Sue, call out another character for their excessive smirking. Does kind of drive home the fact that this shouldn’t be a default expression for every blessed character.

“Wait you know each other, an Kyoya knows you.” Tamaki said confusion evident in his tone.

Good thing he’s cute.

“We know Kyo-chan too, right Takashi!” Mitsukuni said happily and I noticed he had Usa-chan in his arms.

“Ah.” Was all he said.

“He” being Tamaki-senpai or Mori-senpai? Because they are both male.

“We know Kyki –chan too, right Kyki” Those twins chimed, I’m going to punch one of them.

What the hell is that? Is that supposed to be a nickname?

:facepalm:

Now I feel like punching someone.

Japanese is a syllabic language; nicknames and shorten forms of words usually condense those syllables. For example, this is Gudetama.

His name is a combination of “gude gude” an onomatopoeia used to describe someone or something lacking energy, and “tamago”, which means egg. So he’s essentially a lazy egg.

This condensing is not what is happening here. With the exception of ‘n’ [ん], all syllables contain a vowel sound. The first syllable of Kyo-Sue’s name is a combination of ki [き] and yo [よ] to make “kyo” [きょ]. This syllable could be converted into ki or perhaps turned into ko, but you can’t split the syllable into just “ky” because without the vowel sound it’s just gibberish.

“How come all of you know her and I don’t!” he yelled.

Count yourself lucky, pal.

“I’ve lived here before, Kyoya and Kisa are family friends, I met the twins at fashion week in New York a few years back,

A few years back? She’s only sixteen now, so how or why would someone that age or younger attend such thing? And Fashion Week isn’t one event but a series of events revolving around the fashion industry in New York City, typically attended by wealthy and influential people as well as fashion journalists. An under-sixteen-year-old girl doesn’t fall into either of those categories, and unlike the twins Kyo-Sue has no known connection to the fashion industry that might explain her presence there.

and Mitsukuni and Takashi-sempai are childhood friends. Like I said earlier I’ve lived here before Tamaki-san.” I replied rubbing my now existent headache.

Earlier? You JUST said that. :points to sentence: Literally!

I can feel you all around, thinking the air I breathe.” My phone started ringing in English, I answer without checking caller ID.

Kind of odd to phrase it that way, but I’m going to assume that the phone’s ringtone is a song in English. Hmmm…

:short Google break:

Your phone’s grammar is as bad as yours is; the song is All Around Me by Flyleaf and the correct lyrics are “I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I’m breathing.”

Hello? This is Kyoko.” I answered, sticking my finger to my open ear so I could hear better.

Why does she automatically assume that the connection will be bad enough that she will need to do that? The other person hasn’t even said anything yet, so they could be perfectly clear.

I know my own daughter’s phone number, you lying god forsaken child.” He yelled on the other end making me cringe in return.

See? He’s plenty loud.

“Excuse me I have to take this call, Don’t do anything stupid.” The last comment was directed towards Lena.

Why do you have to take it? Can’t you just hang up on him and turn your phone off?

Once I was in the hallway I started talking to my father. “Father, you aren’t allowed to call me you know that. I’m in mother’s custody you know that.” I said as calmly as I could.

:facepalm:

If he’s not allowed to call you, then why are you still talking to him? Just hang up the damn phone! Why did you even answer it without checking the number if there was a chance it was him? It would have only taken a fraction of a second.

And I’m still not convinced that Ayame has custody of Kyo-Sue; the only time the matter has ever been brought up was when Kyo-Sue was verbally threatening Random Angry Girl so it could be all a delusion on her end.

Your classified a runaway by the American Government, so I could get you anytime. You come back on your own or I’m coming for all three of you.” He threatened.

… Really? How long has Kyo-Sue been considered “missing” at this point? She told her father when she left that she was going to be spending the weekend at Lena’s house, so that gives her a couple of days before he would start getting suspicious.

:rolls out chalkboard:

She left New York at 10:39AM and the plane ride was allegedly thirteen hours and forty-five minutes long. Assuming it was Saturday morning when she left, and factoring in the fourteen hour time difference…

:scribbles frantically:

Kyo-Sue would have arrived in Japan on Sunday afternoon at around 2:24PM local time but it would have only been shortly after midnight on Sunday back in New York. Kyo-Sue slept for an unknown period of time and then went directly to school Monday morning. Presumably school is over now since they are having club activities, so it is likely late Monday afternoon – which would make it the wee hours of Monday morning in New York. If Jonathan was expecting her back on Sunday afternoon or Sunday evening, then he probably would realize she was missing – but since Kyo-Sue took her school bag with her (which is the only way she would have had that Physics homework that is allowing her to skip an entire class with her) then he may not expect her back until after school on Monday.

So it is possible, if somewhat improbable, that Jonathan has had enough time to notice that Kyo-Sue is missing. But has he had time to do anything about it?

First off – that “international runaway” thing? I can find absolutely nothing like that.  The technical term would be “international parental child abduction”, but that only applies if Jonathan still has legal custody of Kyo-Sue. If he does, then there are procedures to follow; filing a missing person’s report with the local authorities, contacting the US Department of State’s Bureau of Consular Affairs, that sort of thing. Japan is a member of The Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction, but that would only be an option if Kyo-Sue was under sixteen. If Kyo-Sue’s previous statements are correct and Ayame does have legal custody of Kyo-Sue, then Jonathan is screwed. His only options would be to try to regain legal custody via the courts or illegally abduct her from Japan.

All of this would take time, lots of time. Far more time than what has elapsed.

Father, you can’t do that or I tell the Japanese police what you did to me and I let Kyoya send the Ootori Police force after you. Like I should have done two years ago, please leave me alone or you will be going to prison for child abuse with no chance of parole.” I said and heard the door open to the girls bathroom.

Kyo-Sue really likes threatening people with legal actions. Too bad the Japanese authorities would be able to do absolutely nothing regarding a crime that occurred well outside of their jurisdiction. Kyo-Sue is still within New York’s five-year statue of limitations if she wants to sue her father for civil damages and accuse him of sexual abuse of a minor, assuming that’s what she keeps vaguely referring to, but the only way she could do anything would be by going to the authorities in that state.

“Kyoko!” Kisa called as I walked out of the stall.

Stall? Kyo-Sue was in the hallway, not the bathroom. I really hope she can tell the difference or things could get messy.

“It was just Coal calling me and reminding me to make sure Lena ate real food.” Technically he sent me a text telling me that, but what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

That’s her cover story? That’s terrible. What about a call like that would require her to go out into the hallway/ladies’ bathroom for some privacy?

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked.

Honey, she is so far from okay she would need the Arecibo Observatory to even locate okay’s proximity.

“Kisa I’m fine, I’m just pissed that Coal would think I wasn’t taking care of his little sister.” I said and walked past her and down the hall back to the Third Music Room.

How far did she walk during that very brief conversation with Jonathan? SHe barely stepped outside the room, so she should be much closer than this sentence would indicate.

Lena and Kyoya sent me a worried glance in my direction,

Together, because they have coalesced into a mini Character Blob.

I just sighed walked over to Lena picked her up with ease.

Kyo-Sue must lift weights or something, because there can’t be that much difference in their physical sizes.

“We have to go home, mom will be worried and we promised to watch my siblings.”

When did that happen?

She told Lena, softly as Lena climb on to my back and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I has much pronoun confusion now.

Then we left and walked to the front of the school yard as a black lime with Tanaka and Co sticker on the back window.

They’re in a what?

The back passenger window rolled down to revile my little brother in his middle school uniform.

Why is her little brother in the lime?

“Come on sis get in grandma made cake and ice cream.” Yusashi said and opened the door and we both crawled in.

Is Grandma in the lime, too? Did someone forget to take their medication this morning? Was it me? I really hope it wasn’t me.

MItsukuni POV

:headdesk:

You were doing so well avoiding POV Tags! But no – you just had to sneak one into the last chapter.

We watched as Kyo-chan and Lena climb into their limo, I looked up at Takashi. “Do you think Kyoko will ever tell her?” I asked holding onto Usa-chan.

About what? Right now Kyo-Sue is keeping a couple of secrets.

“Hunny-sempai I believe Kyoko will tell her soon but they both need to get adjusted to this new life.” Kyoya said as he pushed his glasses up on his face.

I’m just going to assume that they are referencing the fact that Lena was kidnapped and that Kyo-Sue has (for some unknown reason) been assigned the task of breaking the news to the poor girl. Kyouya-senpai seems to feel that Kyo-Sue will tell Lena after they have settled in – more settled in than attending school and threatening random bullies, I guess – but the narration previously stated that she would only tell Lena once she, Mori-senpai, and Huni-senpai became friends. Kind of hard to do that if Kyo-Sue is always acting like a helicopter parent, though.

“Kyoya what do you know about those two?” Tamaki asked him.

“I know everything about Tanaka Kyoko,

Including the whole “abusive father” bit? Because she seems to be playing that one pretty close to the chest in this version.

Lenora Dillon is a different story. She was very hard to find information on.” Kyoya said and walked back over to his laptop.

Really? Because I thought just about everyone except Lena knew all about her past as a kidnap victim.

Kisa was walking to the door, she looked like she was think about something. “Ki-chan where are you going?” I asked and skipped over to her.

“for a walk, I need to think about some things.” She said and left.

“What’s wrong with Ki-Chan?” I asked Takashi.

“She just has a lot on her mind.”

Kisa hasn’t been a big presence thus far in the fic, and she doesn’t exist at all in the canon, so I really don’t know what she’s going to go think about. I don’t really care, either, because she’s nothing more than a cardboard cutout at this point.

Kyoko POV

:eye-twitch:

So we switched over to Huni-senpai for, what? Ten seconds? And what did the audience learn? Nothing. It was completely pointless.

We were sitting at the kitchen counter when a knock came to the door, my mother was on her way out and answered the door. “Kisa what a surprise come inside.” She cried happily. I looked up at her.

Kisa walked all the way from school to Ayame’s family compound, wherever that might be? I assume it’s a fair distance from the school, since Kyo-Sue has been driven to and from school.

“What’s wrong?” I asked she sighed and looked to the side.

AHHHH!!!!

:THWACK!:

Ayame, Kisa, Lena, Kyo-Sue – all these characters are female! I can’t tell who is doing what!

“I hate you sometimes you know, you’re the only person who can see through the façade and it make me feel very vulnerable.” Kisa said and I sighed.

Kisa has a facade? What would the facade be hiding? She’s been background scenery for the bulk of the fic.

“Good then you need to feel vulnerable, it’s the only you can ever no your truly safe and alive.

What. The hell. Are you talking about?

I spent the most of my childhood feeling safe only to come home and get beaten by my father,

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was getting beaten at home then I would not classify my childhood as “safe” at any point.

when I got back to Japan I began to feel vulnerable,

You’ve only been in Japan for about a day, and at no point did you ever appear vulnerable. Vulnerable people don’t confront bullies or sass-talk their teachers.

because the routine was broken I was so used to being beaten that it had become safe and a forgot that I was still alive.” I told her, Lena being herself peered over my shoulder.

What?

It is true that abused children (and adults) do come up with elaborate methods to cope with the abuse so that it becomes “normal” to them to do things like never invite friends over, wear concealing clothing to hide marks, and other coping mechanisms to help them get through each day – but Kyo-Sue has never displayed anything like that. She hasn’t really had time to given how rushed the pacing has been, but the point still stands. Even during the brief interactions she had with her father, she never acted like an abused child.

“That’s right Kyo-chan was no longer herself only a shell of what used to be. It was sad, that she had worked so hard and given up.”

Oh, you are so full of shit. Not about Kyo-Sue being a hollow shell, because that’s definitely true, but that she was ever anything else. Kyo-Sue’s behaviour has been depressingly consistent during this whole fic; bland and boring as hell, with the occasional less-than-subtle hint that her father abused her.

As Lena said that I pushed my sleeves up to show Kisa my wrist.

… You are not going there. Tell me you are not going there.

“I bleed just to know that I was alive.” You could see faint scares on both wrist but what stood out most was the two tattoos on her wrist.

Wait a second – her wrist? Who has these scars? It can’t be Kyo-Sue, since this part is supposedly from her perspective.

Never Forget.” Was on her right wrist and, “We bleed just to know where alive.” Was what was written on her left wrist.

Whoever’s wrists these are, they need to ask their tattoo artist for a refund. And how did they even get these tattoos? None of these girls are old enough.

“Iris?” Kisa questioned as she read it, I smiled a sad smile and nodded my head.

” The song fit the situation.” I explained.

Really? That song is about an angel who wants to “fall” and become human so he can experience the pains and pleasures of humanity. There’s not much in the way a description regarding the scars on [Character Unknown]’s wrists, but they could either be a reference to either cutting or past a suicide attempt. I don’t really have enough information about this character to know which direction the author is trying to go, but both of these subjects require delicacy that hasn’t been present thus far in the fic.

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Two verses from Iris, which I’m assuming that Kyo-Sue sings to her captive audience. We just couldn’t make it through the fic without some singing, could we?

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Well, we almost did. That’s the end of the chapter – and thus far the end of the fic since it seems to have fallen dormant. There is a little Author’s Note at the end, though.

And that would be it for this update, so yah I basically crawled under a rock and haven’t updated at all. I’m terribly sorry by the way. So this is it for now, hope y’all like it

Sincerely,

La’Rae

No, I can’t say I did enjoy it. The only real redeeming quality is that it didn’t veer too far into sensitive topics. There were signs there at the end that it might have, but thankfully it ended.

Advertisements

34 Comments on “1315: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite – Chapter 4”

  1. SC says:

    Kyo-Sue is far too mature to fall for their compliments but Lena is a dumbass kid who is easily suckered by a pretty face?

    *Contacts and Shades struggle to keep from bursting out laughing*

  2. SC says:

    The grammar continues getting worse and worse. How is this happening?

    I’ve been asking that about my riff for a while now – Stone-Man85 never had perfect grammar, but it seems like he understands less and less English as the fic goes on.

    • GhostCat says:

      It’s like you can almost see them losing interest in what they’re writing about as they are writing it. They just want to get it over with as fast as possible.

      • SC says:

        No, with Stone-Man85, he’s just so damn focused on his anime crap that he blasts through everything else with little regard to the actual story.

        Or proper grasp of his own native language.

        Seriously, even his DeviantART is riddled with the stuff. (Although, a mark in his favor: his drawings have improved since Alex Killian… ever so slightly.)

  3. SC says:

    I said in Italian

    Hey, you know what reeeaaally makes your character look like a Mary Sue douchebag?

    Being a show-off.

    Honestly, why should anybody give a shit that you can speak Italian, and why do you insist on speaking it when you’re in a country that doesn’t speak the language?

    Hey Ghostie, what’s the Japanese turn of phrase for “snobby braggart?”

  4. TacoMagic says:

    “Ah what a lovely princesses they are, what is the name that belongs longs to such a beautiful maiden.” Tamaki said as he kissed my hand.

    You can always tell the people who work at a ren faire. They get so deep into their characters that they have trouble getting out sometimes.

  5. SC says:

    Two verses from Iris

    Oh shit, I misread that as Broken Iris. XD

    God forbid Kyo-Sue start singing this:

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    All I can say is “good riddance”.

  7. Does everyone speak Italian in Japan? Because that seems like a weird thing for all these characters to have in common.

    Diesel: I can’t speak for twenty-first century Japan, but modern day Japan is ruled by Italy.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    She left New York at 10:39AM and the plane ride was allegedly thirteen hours and forty-five minutes long. Assuming it was Saturday morning when she left, and factoring in the fourteen hour time difference…

    *groans* I hate story problems!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s