1312: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 5

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Christ this story looks like it’s going to be a long one. I guess this guy honestly thought he could write a whole season’s worth of story. Problem is that each chapter would result in a pathetically short episode. And that’s without getting into how poor the quality is. But whatever, saying that something on the Library of the Damned sucks is like saying different political parties don’t get along, stating the bloody obvious. Let’s get into WHY it sucks.

It’s raining evil’s pouring

Ert:  *Sigh*  Gonna be one of those days huh?

Today it was raining in Unicornicopia. It was a nice calm and cheerful rain the Grand Ruler had conjured to give everything a nice wash down and water the fields and trees. He wouldn’t stop the shower for anything, not until it was properly time to do so.

Nora: In FiM the weather was something that fell into Pegasus territory, because they could walk on and manipulate clouds. Celestia raised the sun, and her sister Luna raised the moon. Now it’s just “Grand Ruler does everything because he’s awesome.” Because why spread things out? It makes it look like you put EFFORT into your work.

The best part was some unicorns who worked outdoors were given the day off.

Cornelia: Some? Which ones would those be? The ones that have specific jobs or did they just get picked at random like they won a lottery?

Lightning, unfortunately, was not one of them and still had his duties to do as town helper. Krysta lived in a small doll-like house near his bed, and just fluttered out. “I hate the rain.” she grumbled.

Ert: *Snort* HAHAHAHAHA! What is the point of having a house inside of a house? And why is her house in a place where Lightning can accidentally step on when he gets out of bed

She didn’t really hate the rain. It was just that a single raindrop to her was about the size of a kickball to Lightning and the others. She didn’t like going outside when it rained because it was hard to fly through it all without getting completely drenched.

Cornelia: That sounds like a pretty good basis to hate the rain to me. I’m not seeing where the “Doesn’t REALLY hate the rain” comes in. You basically said “She didn’t hate the rain, it was just extremely painful and miserable.” I mean they don’t say painful, but I imagine if it was raining kickball sized raindrops and one hit me, it’d hurt like hell.

Lighting thought that was funny, “Ever thought of using an umbrella?”

Krysta sighed and shook her head. “I don’t like umbrellas either. I get lost inside of them.”

Ert: Then get a smaller one. I mean seriously, she can’t be the only fairy in existence. Has someone not thought of them before? Barring that, maybe she can just fly closer to the ground while someone else holds it up, can’t she? And how do you get lost in an umbrella? JUST LOOK DOWN!

Ert: I mean seriously, where do you get lost in there!?

Lightning knew just what to do about that. All Krysta needed was an umbrella the right size. That’s when he gave her a playful little umbrella he got in a glass of punch with a piece of cherry and orange the last time he was at Cookie Dough’s. “I saved it just for you.”

Nora: Uh, I don’t see that umbrella holding up against the rain. It’s so small and brittle it’d probably collapse under the strain.

Krysta really loved it and twirled round and around with it. “Thanks a lot.” she said, “But next time, save me the fruit too?”

They shared and laugh, and then Lightning put on his rain outfit and hat, and they were off to town.

Ert: I guess asking someone to save you a piece of fruit is “HAHA” material. Also, his rain outfit and hat? Is “rain coat” too hard to type out, Mykan?

Mysterious stood before Titan with an idea to propose. It most likely wouldn’t help them capture Lightning, “But I assure you I shall not come back empty handed, my lord.”

Nora: Here’s an idea. Instead of beating around the bush just tell him what your goal is.

“Oh…?” hissed Titan, “And just what is it you had in mind, Mysterious? It had better be good…!”

Mysterious explained that in addition to the importance of Lightning’s capture, it was also necessary to gather more power for Titan. “I have plan that will not only gather you vast amounts of energy, and perhaps even lure Lightning Dawn into my clutches. I will not return to you empty handed, my lord.”

Ert: It most likely wouldn’t help them catch Lightning, except it might? Well, which is it, Mysterious? Or are you one of those people that always needs to feel like the most clever person in the room and you constantly contradict yourself to keep people confused while you’re coming up with unnecessarily complicated plans? Oh who am I kidding, Mykan would never come up with something that complex.

Titan liked the sound of Mysterious plan, and the two of them laughed maliciously together.

Nora: HAHAHAHAHA! I don’t even know what the plan is but I’m laughing because evil villains do that all the time without any prompting (also Mykan can’t write) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Several unicorns walking out in the rain…

Ert:…Yes? What is that supposed to be a location tag or something? Wow. That’s not the worst location tag on the Library, but it’s in the top/bottom five.

Lightning and Krysta met up with Artie who was playing outdoors to gain inspiration for a rainy picture he wanted to paint. He was playfully splashing in the puddles like a little colt,

Cornelia: I don’t really see how this inspires him. I know Ert likes to walk while listening to music to get his imagination going, but this doesn’t really feel like the same thing.

and Rhymey came along singing playfully…

“It’s raining, it’s pouring.

The old stallion is snoring.

He went to bed with a cold in his head

And he didn’t get up in mo-ho-horning.”

Ert: HEAD AND MORNING DON’T RHYME! Rhymey has been operating on a strict A A B B rhyme scheme. Now he’s pulling A A B A out of nowhere! If you’re going to have a character have an annoying as fuck quirk, then get the quirk down right! Then again everyone in this scene is acting like they’re five years old. When was the last time you saw an adult singing “It’s raining, it’s pouring” when there wasn’t a child in the room?

Even Brain was in the park testing his new rain gauge. “Ahh…! Satisfactory! Most satisfactory.” He gleamed. “With enough of this water, I should be able to complete my newest experiment.”

Ert: … Water. WA! TER! Tell me something, Brain. Is everyone in the town dying of thirst? No? Well then you’ve got a well or a river or some other form of water source. Get water from there you daft twat! Mykan is just having you do things in stupidly complicated ways to make us think you’re smart. It isn’t working!

“What kind of experiment is that?” asked Krysta, but Brain thought it rather complicated for the other to understand just yet. “Can we lend a hand in any way?” asked Lightning

“I feel that… em… may not be necessary, my good yellow.” answered Brain,

Cornelia: Please tell me that was a typo.

Nora: Y and F aren’t that far away on the keyboard. Still, that just makes it stupid for different reasons.

“But if I require, I shall inform you.” Then he went off to find a spot where it was raining harder to gather more water leaving the others in the park.

Ert: Require what? A hand? Advice? Someone to clean up the radioactive fallout from when you fuck up because you’re so dense you have to wait for it to rain when you get water?

Goeth: And he doesn’t have a team waiting on standby for that? What an amateur.

The rain just felt so wonderful, and warm even, a lot of the unicorns passing by had smiles on their faces, but Krysta was still complaining a little. Even with her little umbrella, and her specially made raincoat, she still found it hard to battle against the raindrops. “Blech…! Why does the rain always make things so hard for me?”

Ert: That’s a rhetorical question, I hope. I mean, it was explained earlier in the chapter why.

Rhymey, approached her and recited form one of his recent poems.

“While it’s hard on you with no doubt,

There are things about the rain I must point out.

The flowers and plants and even the trees

They need the rain water to grow with ease.

And though the rain may be drippy and wet

There are still fun ways to have in it yet.

You can splash in the puddles, catch drops on your tongue

But the best part of all, you can sing a nice song.”

Ert: TONGUE AND SONG DON’T RHYME! Jesus Christ, I’m honestly tempted to put in a “Rhymey Can’t Rhyme” counter…SO I WILL!

(Rhymey can’t Rhyme Counter: 2)

Music began to play as Rhymey held his umbrella nicely, and even tap danced as he splashed in the puddles and the others joined him too…

(Today’s Special” Storms: “I love the Rain”)

Ert: Oh fuck this shit, I already had to deal with one annoying song and a poem today, that’s where I draw the line. Cutting that out.

The boys made one big splash in the puddles for a finish, and Krysta was actually starting to feel better, at least until she got hit by a huge drop right in her face. “Ugh…!” she spluttered.

The boys chuckled softly.

Cornelia: Ok, why do so many scenes end with people laughing? The “Everyone laughs” thing is only supposed to be done at the very end of a story/episode. And even when you do it like that it’s become horribly cliched, and it doesn’t add anything. Also something funny is supposed to happen. Hitting someone with a torrent of water that to them feels much bigger than it does to you isn’t funny, it’s being an asshole.

Meanwhile, there was Bluesville.

Ert: Oh for god’s sake. The “naming things by color” gimmick was cute for a couple of chapters, now its just getting old. And no one has explained to me what they do when there’s more towns than there are colors in a crayon box. Because I doubt Mykan is the type to delve into specific shades like cyan, cobalt or azure.

It wasn’t called that because anyone was sad or weepy. Just for the color.

Ert: I FUCKING FIGURED!

It was also the home of the waterworks; the very source of all the clear drinking water for the entire kingdom.

Nora: Wow. That sounds horrifically impractical. How exactly do you deliver water to all corners of a country?

Technicians and workers helped keep the place shining bright, and made sure nothing bad happened to the water. What no one noticed was Mysterious, being a shadow creature, could slink about the place while hiding in dark places, and slink under the doors without being seen.

Cornelia: Oh right, being made of shadows was his gimmick. Shadows that can’t be touched (which makes sense) but can touch others (which is “because author said so”). Also its getting annoying to have a narration that’s omnipresent sometimes but not at other times. Either we can’t see Mysterious or we should be able to know exactly what he’s up to.

He peeked up from the floor, and then he saw the main power-switch that controlled all the power in the building, and he slinked along the wall and turned it off which turned out all the lights, making it pitch black, and impossible to see inside for all the technicians, and when the emergency lights came on, the technicians were all tied up and gaged with dark wraps, and Mysterious was in control of things now.

Ert: Uh. Wat? First of all, why does this building have a big switch that turns off all of the power? Second of all, why did it take so long for emergency lights to turn on? Those should be instantaneous. Third of all, how the hell did Mysterious do all of this when he struggled to win a one-on-one fight in the second chapter?

“Hmm, mm, mm, mm, mm…! And now… to work.” he sniggered as he gazed at the tanks of water that came in, and using his shadow-magic he conjured a small vortex causing the water to flow into the vortex, instead of passing through the rest of the works to supply the kingdom.

Goeth: I guess dumping that dust of yours in, contaminating the kingdom’s water supply with one fell stroke and turning the entire population into loyal monsters wouldn’t work.

Ert: No kidding. That’d be simple and hard to counter. Instead he just wants to steal ALL OF THE WATER IN THE KINGDOM! Through a vortex he calls “small.” Do you have any idea how much water it takes to keep a nation going Mykan? Just out of curiosity, I looked up the amount of water in France, just picking out a random nation. I didn’t get anything about the specific amount of water, but France alone has over 10,000 water treatment plants. So, I’m going to make the blind estimate that Mysterious would be able to steal all of the water in this kingdom in … a couple of decades. Maybe.

He would transfer the water straight to Titan, and use it harness more energy,

Ert: Oh. My bad. My little rant turned out to have nothing to do with anything. I thought he’d be stealing the water because I assumed he’d be doing something stupid. It turns out I underestimated HOW stupid it would be. Because apparently Titan is going to harness energy … FROM FUCKING WATER.

as well as combining it with the magic he had already stolen form the technician unicorns he had tied up. “So much energy, so little time.” he said to himself. Then he began to ponder way to maybe lure Lightning and friends to him. After all, if he caught him it would make Titan all the more pleased.

Ert: Oh Christ it just hit me. This is what Sailor Moon villains did in the first couple of seasons. Except they stuck to draining energy from people. They didn’t get it FROM FUCKING WATER! Why does Titan need to kidnap Unicorns? Why doesn’t he just find a sink? Also, you’re thinking just now of a way to lure Lightning in? You said to Titan there was a chance you could catch him, why are you waiting until the last second to figure out how? Oh right, you said you wouldn’t be able to capture him, except then you could and now you’re going back to saying you can’t. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Nora: I’ll do this! No this! Wait, back to the first thing! I guess he’s so mysterious even he doesn’t get himself.

That’s when he heard the sound of the rain hitting the roof. “Hmm…” he wondered and came up with a plan.

Cornelia: He’s not going to share it with the class is he?

Nora: Nope. MYSTERIOUS!

The rain continued to fall, and Lightning and friends went to Cookie Dough’s for their lunch. Brain was there, and offered them to sit with him.

Nora: Hi Brain! Bye Brain! Hi again Brain! Seriously, what was the point of you leaving?

Krysta finally dried off her long blonde hair on a napkin. “Cheer up, Krysta. It won’t rain forever.” said Artie.

Ert: If this is the author’s attempt at foreshadowing Mysterious’ plan, I’m going to pop a blood vessel. Granted, considering Mysterious plans follow no logic whatsoever, I honestly don’t know what to expect. And not in a good way.

“Artie is right, my dear.” added Brain “We should all be patient as we can be and make the most of things.” He said all this while he scribbled a formula onto his own napkin for his experiment. “Ah, yes.”

Nora: Did we mention he’s smart yet? Because that’s what smart people do. Scribble random formulas down.

He almost seemed in rather a hurry to finish his lunch, and for good reason. He was planning to head to the waterworks in Bluesville. He required some help from the technicians there for the final piece of his puzzle.

Cornelia: The experiment revolving around water that you refuse to go into any detail about? And you need to go to Bluesville. Honestly, what’s the plan for Titan and his goons if Lightning and friends didn’t conveniently walk into whatever situation they cause trouble?

“Boy, he sure does burry himself in his work.” Lightning whispered to the others who agreed with him.

Ert: Burry isn’t a verb you twit.

Suddenly, it began to grow darker outside- much, much darker. “What’s happening?” asked Artie.

Nora: Well you see, when there’s no light source in the area, your visibility decreases and you can only see the color black, which is a result of a lack of light reflecting into your eyes. We call this phenomenon, “Getting dark.”

“Curious! Moist curious.” muttered Brain “It shouldn’t be getting dark at this hour.”

The gang headed outside, and noticed the clouds were getting darker, and thunder and lightning began to strike. This was very abnormal, for the Grand Ruler never allowed this type of weather, at least not in this particular manner.

Cornelia: You just established that the Grand Ruler had power over the weather. Is there any reason that he can’t just reverse this?

Rhymey felt a shiver crawl down his back…

Nora: I’ll get it. *Grabs* Bad shiver! Bad, BAD shiver!

“I feel that something is not right,

Just who or what has blocked out the light?”

Ert: Thanks Rhymey, you added a lot right there.

Lightning and Krysta had a good idea what was going on, but the warning alarms hadn’t sounded yet, so it wasn’t confirmed if it was Titan or not. Still, the gang agreed to investigate. “But where do we start looking?”

Cornelia: Wouldn’t the obvious approach be to go talk to the Grand Ruler? You don’t have to run off and do everything with just your friends, you know.

Brain had an idea, and it involved his experiment. “I thought you said it was incomplete?” said Krysta. “It is…” answered Brain, “But in desperate times… uh, such as now- will force us to take drastic measures.”

Ert: It’ll work. It always works. Whenever someone rushes something or says “There’s only a small chance it’ll work,” it always turns out all right in the end. Because no one has the guts to make their precious main character fuck up or fail.

Reaching into the pocket of his raincoat, he pulled out a small object. “This, my dear friends, is my latest invention; The Elemental Radar Receptor in Finding Interesting Characters-Terrific, for short.”

Ert: Finding interesting characters? Well it must be picking up absolutely nothing right now.

The others all blinked in confusion, until Brain explained it was a radar tracking device that could detect elements, and other sources of energy and magic. It was still in development, and hadn’t been tested yet, but if it worked, it would allow them to find the source of the reason why the sky was growing dark.

Cornelia: In other words its a radar that points them in the direction of the plot. Seriously, if it can detect magic in a world of magic users it should be flooded with useless information. Oh wait … we finally have a reason for why Unicorns are discouraged from using magic in their day to day lives. So Brain’s invention wouldn’t be useless.

“Well, why did you want water for it?” asked Artie.

“My dear fellow…” said Brain “Such a delicate device like this should be made stronger to withstand damage. It was my hope of making a coating to make it water-resistant.”

Nora: You needed water to make something waterproof. I know you would want to test it, but the way he talks about it you’d think that the water would be the solution.

“So as long as we don’t get it wet it’ll be fine?” Lightning asked.

“Correct!”

With that settled, they were off. The radar seemed to work, but the rain was making it a little hard to track the source properly,

Ert: They were told five seconds ago to not get it wet, and since the narration said “The rain was making it a little hard to track the source,” that makes it sound like you’re getting it wet. Either that or the presence of water is throwing the radar off, making me wonder exactly in what situations this thing WOULDN’T be useless.

which was another reason Brain was experimenting with rainwater- to make it strong against interference.

Nora: If your invention can be confused by rain, maybe start over.

To make things harder, the unicorns couldn’t fly or their wings would get wet and heavy, which meant they had to walk.

Cornelia: Uh, I’m not sure that it works that way. I mean, if birds are flying and it starts raining, do they die?

Krysta could hardly keep her umbrella up, and was starting to get wet again; at least her wings were different and could work in the rain.

Cornelia: Why? No seriously, give us an explanation for why.

“How much further, Brain…?” she asked.

The signal seemed to be coming from Bluesville. “Ah ha! Satisfactory…! Most Satisfactory…” Brain simple said. “The signal is getting stronger in detecting abnormal activity within this village. Follow me.”

Ert: What exactly is this radar searching for at this very moment? “Abnormal activity” doesn’t really fall into what it could detect.

Rhymey rubbed his aching hooves

Nora: I seriously doubt you can rub hooves in a way that’ll do anything.

“I hope we find is soon, Brain…

My poor little hooves are aching in pain.”

“You and me both.” groaned Lightning.

Cornelia: Well I imagine they would be. They just made the walk from one town to another. Seriously, on foot that could easily take days, even weeks. But since it sounds like this trip is taking just a day at most, and not even an entire day, I have to question how closely packed this kingdom is.

Bluesville sure had a lot of ponds, rivers, and lakes, as it was the water source of the kingdom,

Ert: And there aren’t any ponds, rivers and lakes in the rest of the kingdom? Hey Mykan, you know how a river works right? It flows and they tend to be pretty damn long. Any rivers that cross through this town should be stretching through the rest of your kingdom. And other towns would be built along the river’s edge, because people tend to build where there’s a supply of drinking water readily available.

Cornelia: This is without getting into the fact how impossible it is for multiple lakes, ponds and rivers to all be jammed into one town.

but suddenly, the radar shorted out. “Oh, dear…! I was afraid this would happen.” said Brain “The air is positively dripping with moisture. There is nothing more I can do at this point.”

Ert: This is seriously the most pathetic radar I’ve ever read about. Moisture in the air shorted it out? Why is it I get the feeling it would stop working if you breathed on it wrong?

“Where do we look now…?” asked Artie.

Nora: Another moment when they realize they had no real plan. Is planning ahead outlawed by the Grand Ruler or something? He seems to do crap like this a lot.

Ert: Also, remember in the very first chapter when everyone had a serial code? Yeah, hasn’t been brought up since. Just pointing that out because it just hit me.

Krysta then noticed Lightning was looking away from the group. “What wrong, Lightning…?” she asked, and then she saw it too. Lightning was staring at the waterworks building, exactly where brain wanted to go in first place.

Cornelia: *Snort* When you make someone’s name the same as a part of the body, you need to be doubly sure it gets capitalized.

Nora: Otherwise it comes off as Lightning talking about HIS brain. “Brain wanted to go but legs didn’t listen. Feet were tired and head hurt.”

Yet, the water wasn’t flowing very well, as if it were being blocked.

Ert: How would you know? Is it flowing freely outside of pipes? If it is that sounds highly impractical.

The clouds above the building were darker, and stormier than anywhere else. “Curious! Most curious.” said Brain.

Cornelia: His catchphrases aren’t endearing, they’re just annoying. They don’t really add anything to him, the story, or anything.

“If the trouble isn’t there, I don’t know where it could be.” said Lightning,

Nora: Well maybe you would if you looked for more than fifteen seconds, but what do I know.

and they all headed inside, where they found it was dark, and pretty much deserted. At least the emergency lights were on.

“Hello…?” Artie called out.

“Is there anyone at all?

Please answer our call!” added Rhymey.

Nora: Oh well I ignored you the first time, but now that you added in that stupid little rhyme I’m certainly going to answer now.

As they trekked deeper, they found some of the guards, literally, laying down on the job.

Ert: … Fuck me, Mykan used the word literally correctly.

Krysta could recognize that their rest was not natural. “Their magic and energy must’ve been drained.”

The sound of sinister sniggered followed that statement. “Hmm, mm, heh, heh, heh…! You are correct, young fairy.”

Cornelia: “The sound of sinister sniggered.” What exactly is sinister sniggered? It sounds like a verb that would be very painful to carry out. Also why do bad guys in bad stories always throw away the element of surprise so they can get in their generic evil laughing?

“That voice!” snapped Lightning “Come on out, Mysterious! We know it’s you.”

“Do you, now…?” Mysterious hissed as he appeared before the intake tanks, “And do you also know why I lured you and your little colleagues here for, Lightning?”

Ert: You did not fucking lure them here! You made the weather go crazy (Somehow! I don’t really see what fucking with the water output has to do with how badly it’s raining.) and Lightning and his friends were the only people in existence who cared enough to check it out. Seriously, this town is inhabited right? How come no one who lived there tried to do anything about it?

Lightning gritted his teeth angrily, but before he could say anything, Mysterious merely stepped aside revealing his vortex taking all the water away. “Even if I fail to capture you, I believe Lord Titan will find all this water as valuable as I do.”

Ert: Why is this a thing? Why is he attacking a government-controlled facility to get water? WHEN IT’S RAINING OUTSIDE!?

“Huh…?” the others all wondered.

“Oh, yes…” replied Mysterious “For you haven’t yet seen the type of monsters that I am able to create. Ha, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!”

Nora: Does Titan just not hire anyone who doesn’t stop to laugh at nothing every three seconds? If they stop laughing does he order them executed?

and while he was laughing, he threw the magic dust intro the tank, and the water began to bubble and stir and it began to rise up and take the shape of monster with many watery tentacles- A monster that was actually made of water.

“Incredible…!” remarked Brain.

Cornelia: Not really. You yourself established that this dust turns anything it touches into monsters. So why is one made out of water something that blows your mind?

“Now’s not the time for that, Brain.” snapped Lightning “We got work to do.”

Nora: Whatever you say prick.

The others agreed and prepared for battle…

“WARD SWORD…!” shouted Rhymey.

“BIG BRUSH…!”

Ert: Fucking what?

shouted Artie, and he summoned forth a large paintbrush about his height when standing on his hind legs, to serve as spear. Artie wielded it like a skilled ninja. “Not bad for an artist.”

Nora: No. Bad for an artist. Very bad for an artist. Also Ninjas are stealth operatives. Why would a stealth operative use a spear? They would prefer smaller and less bulky weapons.

Mysterious was no amused.

Cornelia: *Snort* Mykan is an endless supply of unintentional comedy.

“Seize them, Vapourizer!”

Ert: That name doesn’t make any fucking sense!

he commanded, and the monsters breathed out a thick cloud of fog. “Look out!” cried Krysta, and before long the whole place was coated in a fog so think everyone was lost and couldn’t see where anyone or anything was. “Oh, my!” cried Brain “My spectacles are steamed up. I can’t see a thing!”

Nora: Steamed up? Uh. Radical idea here fella. Wipe them off. I mean seriously, you could’ve done it twice in the time it took you to complain about it.

Mysterious laughed triumphantly, until he found himself consumed in the fog. “I… can’t see!” he growled.

Cornelia: And in addition to constantly laughing, does Titan require all of his minions to be utter morons?

“It looks like you didn’t think this through, Mysterious.” Called Lightning “Now we’re all lost in here.”

Ert: You never think anything through either, shit for brains. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

The monster, however, was the only one who didn’t seem lost and was able to squirt powerful pulses of water into the fog shooting at the gang. Even Krysta got hit and was totally drenched. “Pah…! Ack…! I told you I hated this kind of water!” she groaned as she tried to shake herself dry.

Nora: This kind? Is there a special kind of water that she doesn’t hate? Also, for how “Powerful” we’re told this is, it only seems to get people wet. Which is only an annoying inconvenience provided you’re not somewhere cold.

Rhymey could see someone through the fog and assumed it was Mysterious.

“Ah ha…!

Hoo-WHAA…!”

Ert: *Sigh* Even his grunts have to be rhymes? I’m having fantasies about this character that involve a skillet and a can of gasoline.

and he just missed, and a good thing he did. “Rhymey! It’s me.” shouted Artie.

“Oh! Oh! Please forgive me, do.

I could not see to tell it was you.”

Nora: It rhymes, but it really tells you how badly Mykan needs to butcher sentence structure in order to make this weird-ass little gimmick work out properly.

“This is getting us nowhere.” called Lightning as he stumbled around trying to find his way through the fog. “I say… this is most confusing!” cried Brain.

Ert: I think everyone had already come to that conclusion on their own Brain. Don’t just talk to make this scene feel less empty, because when you speak without saying anything we just realize how pointless this all is.

Artie had an idea, and began to spin and wave his spear around, using the brush like a fan to reduce the fog to a mere floor mist. “It’s working!” he cried for joy, but as the lifted, he and Rhyme saw the monster gazing fright at them from his tank.

Cornelia: Well that problem got resolved unrealistically and disappointingly quickly.

They both gulped hard…

“Uh oh…!

Oh no…!”

The monster fired more water pulses at them which they dodged, causing the shots to miss and actually crack the walls.

Ert: These were the same attacks that hit them earlier and just made the fairy whine about being wet. Consistency. YOU HAVE NONE!

Lightning was very annoyed with all this and began to charge straight for the tank, only to be halted by Mysterious. “Going somewhere…?” he hissed.

Lightning growled and tried to push Mysterious aside, forgetting that he was a shadow, and couldn’t be touched as easily. He passed right through him and hit the wall. “Ugh…! Why is it I always hit my head first?”

Nora: It’s because you keep charging forward despite the fact that you’re a talentless loser and the fact that it’s never gotten results of any significant kind never really seemed to sink in for you.

Mysterious moved in to capture him. “Relax… I am certain Lord Titan will make you feel better.” but Krysta swooped in ands buzzed around Mysterious like a pesky insect.

Cornelia: That really does describe what Krysta is. Basically a bug that flies around and doesn’t really contribute much.

Leave him alone!” she growled. Mysterious growled and grunted as he tried to swat her away, which gave Lightning a chance to break away.

Ert: He’s SHADOW! The fact that he got distracted by Krysta when she couldn’t even touch him just shows how utterly incompetent Titan’s villains are. And you can’t have that because you need villains that pose a LEGITIMATE threat otherwise there’s no tension. We knew there was no tension in this story, but I’m just tracing the cause of that back to its source.

Artie and Rhymey attacked Vapourizer as best they could, but their weapons passed right through him, and their other attacks didn’t damage him at all. The monster was made of water, and that was to be expected.

Nora: Wasn’t it inside of a tank? Are their attacks just going through that too?

“There’s nothing more we can do.

Our attacks just go right through.”

Ert: Well, time to give up forever. We’re all magic, but no. We attacked a few times and nothing worked. Abandon all hope.

The monster continued to fire more water pulses, which the boys dodged, and Mysterious finally managed to swat Krysta out of his way, sending her right into an open drum of water.

“I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE…!” she shouted as she spit the out the water in her mouth.

Cornelia: I’m sorry, is her constantly getting drenched supposed to be funny? Because I’m not finding it particularly humorous.

Mysterious now had lightning backed up against the wall. “Now where were we…?” he asked, “I yes, we were on our way back to Titan.”

Nora: How is that so? Lightning ran away while he was distracted by Krysta. So Lighting ran into a corner? Wow. We knew this guy was dense before, but that just adds a whole new level to it.

Lightning looked nervous but then grinned cheekily. “Let me get the lights first.” He said and the quickly reached to his right and flicked on the main power switch, which turned the lights back on. “NO…!” shouted Mysterious. Being a shadow, he hated being exposed to the light when not hiding in any shadowy corners.

Ert: This feels like something halfway logical, except you think the light would destroy him as darkness kind of goes away when you shine a lot on it. Here it just sounds like he doesn’t like it.

He decided to retreat before the room became too bright. “We’ll meet again!” he promised before he vanished, and then he was gone. “One down and one to go…”

Nora: And he runs away, quoting the same cliche that Samurai Jack actually spent a few minutes mocking viciously.

Lightning ran up to join the others, “Nothing…?” he asked.

“It’s no use…” said Artie “I don’t know what can stop it.”

Cornelia: You hit it. Once or twice. You have magic, why aren’t you using it?

“We better do something, and fast.

Look out now, here comes another blast!” cried Rhymey, and the boys scattered out of the way.

Ert: Rhymey, we might all die here, the last thing I want to hear isn’t your fucking voice!

The monster hissed and growled, in a gurgling bubbly sound, and was preparing itself for one final washout,

Ert: Go fuck yourself, Mykan.

when suddenly it began to shiver, much to the others confusion. Then, “Look…!” cried Artie, “The water… in the tank… it’s freezing.”

Nora: Why? Why is it freezing? Did Mykan hit “Plot resolution” and not feel like explaining anything? Or is it another Ex Machina?

The water was slowly turning into ice, and Vaporizer was beginning to freeze up, until it was nothing but a solid frozen statue. “Lightning…!” Brain called out “Try and finish it off now!”

Ert: Yeah yeah, he says his little chant, monster go boom, double onomatopoeia, nothing we haven’t seen twice already.

The monster was gone. The power and systems were reenergized.

Nora: Because the rainbow rod also restores electronics and cures cancer and makes Mykan a good writer.

The water was flowing normally again, and the other unicorns who were attacked were waking up after a long rest. The best part of all- since Mysterious had left, the dark clouds lifted, and it was raining normally again outside, without much scary activity.

Cornelia: And this one monster was tied to everything? Every last one. Or is the rainbow rod a reality warper that works when the plot feels like it?

That’s when Brain came towards the others, “Oh! That was a stupendous performance, Lightning. Bang on!” he complimented.

Ert: “Bang on?” I just – what? What in the Jesus shitting Christ is that supposed to mean? Bang on? Bang on the table? Clean up afterwards if you do.

“But… what happened?” asked Lightning.

Brain explained that after the fog lifted away, and his glasses became clear so he could see what he was doing. He noticed the intake tanks where the monster was sitting had temperature controls, and he found the console, and turned the temperature below freezing. This way, the monster would freeze, be weakened, unable to move, and have a solid surface to strike.

Ert: BULL! FUCKING! SHIT! Dues Ex Machina, a classic example. Thing we were never told about happened to be lying around the area and someone just stumbled upon it and solved everyone’s problems. Not even a vaguely clever example either. Mykan forgot to put in a way to actually resolve this fight, so he crammed one in.

“Brain… you’re a genius, said Artie.

Ert: Not really. There was basically a button that said “You win” and he pushed it.

And you saved all of us…” added Rhymey.

Nora: Rhymey is such a hack that he has to hijack other people sentences.

Brain bowed thankfully. “Thank you, gentlemen…”

“Uh… excuse me?” called Krysta “But would someone mind helping me out of here!” She kept trying and trying to escape the water drum, but even her wings were so drenched, from being dipped in that much water, they didn’t work.

Cornelia: Funny, I seem to remember earlier in this very chapter the narration said that water wasn’t a problem for her.

The boys couldn’t help but laugh.

Ert: Hahahaha! Our friend is probably going to drown if we don’t do anything!

“Well, Mysterious…” said Titan “It looks as if your plan to capture Lightning failed after all.”

“Poor Mysterious…” Rep-Stallion mocked.

Cornelia: Why does this dialogue feel like it was copy-pasted from Rep-Stallion’s failure?

“Guess you got all wet and washed out.” added Dementia, but Mysterious just stood there and growled furiously. It was such an insult enough that he had failed to capture Lightning, but to be mocked by his colleagues made it worse.

Ert: Which is odd. I mean they’re all fuck ups. One fuck up generally shouldn’t make fun of another fuck up.

“However…” Titan said “You have fulfilled part of your promise.” He was waving his hands over a giant energy ball he had conjured from the energy of the water,

Nora: Oh dear Lord we’re still going with this? I mean exactly how much energy can you get from water? And if it’s such a serious amount, why aren’t you just draining a lake?

and the magic of the unicorns Mysterious had knocked out. All that increased his power a great deal, “Hmm, mm, mm…! This brings me one step closer to the day when I shall strike the unicorns again without fear of the uniforce. Well done, Mysterious.”

Ert: So Titan wins for once? I’d say this was a good way to raise the stakes except the way that he won makes it feel like Mysterious could’ve done more if he wasn’t tripping over his own bottomless stupidity. Also the way in which Titan won was pure and utter bullshit.

Mysterious bowed, “Thank you, my lord.” And he cast a cheeky stare at the others, making them insulted now.

Cornelia: Well maybe that’s because he actually did something when you didn’t. What he did was stupid, nonsensical and dumb luck but … where was I going with this again?

The rain was starting to die down. Obviously The Grand Ruler was busy clearing the skies after a good long day of showers.

Nora: Everything going to hell in a hand basket is below him though, he doesn’t do anything when that’s happening.  He only cleans up the clouds when he wants to, not when it would be smart to.

Brain Artie and Rhymey were stopping by Lightning’s place in White Village. They were about to knock on the door when they heard the sound a tiny little sneeze…

“YEE… YEE… YAH-SHOO…!”

And then another…

“AH-CHOO…!”

Ert: Any reason the “tiny” sneeze is in all caps? Or is the narration being sarcastic? Because I really am not in the mood for a sarcastic narrator. In fact, no, that’s not a sarcastic narration, that’s just the narration flat out lying to us.

The second sneeze shook the roof a bit, causing a few puddles up on top to splash the others below. The door was open, and there was Penny looking after poor little Krysta, who had caught a small cold form being drenched too much. “I must say… I’ve never had a fairy for a patient before.” She giggled.

Cornelia: Seriously, why is everyone laughing at the drop of a hat in this story? I’m stuck in water, LAUGH! I have a cold LAUGH! It’s the end of the chapter, LAUGH! Have it make sense, otherwise everyone comes off as being slightly psychotic.

Poor little Krysta sniffed hard. Her poor little nose was all red and clogged, and she was shivering even while in her little bed moved near the fireplace.

Nora: She’s in misery and suffering, LAUGH!

Rhymey came over to see how Krysta as feeling and hoped she’d get well soon.

“Tank you… Rhybey…” Krysta said with her nose still stuffed.

Ert: Blow your nose then. Also, you can’t magic away a cold? Oh right, Grand Leader says you can’t. Because reasons.

And Artie came over to show Krysta a painting he made just for her, as a bit of a joke, but also because she inspired him. He pulled down the cloth to reveal a painting of what he called “Fairy in the Rain.”

Cornelia: I don’t know why Mykan feels the need to name Artie’s portraits. They’re basically just “Thing I saw and drew.” Also it’s a joke how?

Everyone else couldn’t help but giggle at the joke, but Krysta didn’t think it was funny.

Cornelia: What joke? People are having reactions to something I can’t see!

“Oh! Take dat away!” she groaned. “Just looking at all dat water is enough to make me…? Me… me… ma… MA-AH-CHOO…! Sneeze!”

Ert: That’s not how it works. Fucking morons…

The others held in the urge to giggle. For a tiny fairy, Krysta sure had a lot of air in her.

“By the way, Brain… How did your experiments go?”

Nora: Oh, one day I’ll have a radar that can detect water without breaking because it detected water.

Brain explained that he was certain that he had perfected the radar. Now it was water proof and would stand up to most impacts, or extreme temperatures. “Are you sure of that…?” asked Lightning.

Ert: Great, now make it so that it can scan for water without having an aneurism when it rains.

“Oh, quite certain… quite.” answered Brain, but when Krysta sneezed again, “AH-AAAAHH…CHOO…!” Her sneeze was so strong it nearly shook the whole house, and the radar exploded right in brains face.

Ert: Hur. Hur. Hurrrrrrr.

He really looked silly with all that soot in his face, his mane messed up, and his glasses dangling on one side of his head. “Well…” he muttered, “Now who’s a fool?”

Nora: You’re an idiot, Lighting is Leroy Jenkins, Krysta whines all the time, Rhymey is a hack, oh don’t make me pick.

The others, even Krysta, couldn’t help but laugh.

Cornelia: Does he just not know how to end scene any other way?

(In the skies, the Grand Ruler is making the last of the rainclouds vanish)

Grand Ruler: “Most creatures, like Krysta, don’t like the rain, but others do. The important thing is to be well-prepared for a rainy-day, whether you have to stay inside or go out.”

Ert: That’s the fucking moral? The entire episode was solved by Brain fiddling with doo-dads. Now the point of the episode was “be prepared for the rain?” You know, Friendship is Magic got away with having a moral every story because for the most part it was slice of life. You know, the situations were everyday situations.

“A little rain never hurt anyone, but it is a good idea not to get soaked and remain that way. Sometimes you may end up with more than a cold like Krysta has, but the rain is very helpful to many plants, many animals, and it even does it’s best to help make your world wetter, and better.”

Nora: That’s not even a Aesop. That’s just saying “rain isn’t bad.” Man, Mykan is really scraping the bottom of the barrel here for story ideas. And we’re not even a quarter of the way through his crappy story. This is gonna be a long and painful one. Not Trapped levels of painful, but not for lack of trying. Until next time, keep on believing…in some vague concept. I dunno. Believe that Yooka-Laylee will be a good game?

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67 Comments on “1312: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 5”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: I mean seriously, where do you get lost in there!?

    Well, she is a Mykan character, so she could probably get lost in the Room Without Walls.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: Uh, I don’t see that umbrella holding up against the rain. It’s so small in brittle it’d probably collapse under the strain.

    First, why the hell do you keep rhyming?

    Second, each raindrop is the size of a volleyball to her… but made of water, which is way denser. That means umbrella or no, she is basically having small bowling balls dropped on her at a high rate of speed…

    • GhostCat says:

      That means umbrella or no, she is basically having small bowling balls dropped on her at a high rate of speed…

      Hmmm…

      :takes out cell phone:

      Hey, Crunchy; may I speak with Bifocals? I have an idea for a new DRD trap.

    • "Lyle" says:

      Nora: Uh, I don’t see that umbrella holding up against the rain. It’s so small in brittle it’d probably collapse under the strain.

      Considering Tiki drink umbrellas are made of paper, it would probably just dissolve.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “But I assure you I shall not come back empty handed, my lord.”
    “Oh…?” hissed Titan, “And just what is it you had in mind, Mysterious? It had better be good…!”
    Mysterious explained that in addition to the importance of Lightning’s capture, it was also necessary to gather more power for Titan. “I have plan that will not only gather you vast amounts of energy, and perhaps even lure Lightning Dawn into my clutches. I will not return to you empty handed, my lord.”

    Let me guess- she’s going to come back to him empty handed (my lord)?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Then again everyone in this scene is acting like they’re five years old. When was the last time you saw an adult singing “It’s raining, it’s pouring” when there wasn’t a child in the room?

    Funny how the inhabitants of this supposedly hard-edged, more militarized Equestria seem to have the same mental age as the author…

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Rhymey, approached her and recited form one of his recent poems.

    “While it’s hard on you with no doubt,

    There are things about the rain I must point out.

    The flowers and plants and even the trees

    They need the rain water to grow with ease.

    And though the rain may be drippy and wet

    There are still fun ways to have in it yet.

    You can splash in the puddles, catch drops on your tongue

    But the best part of all, you can sing a nice song.”

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Meanwhile, there was Bluesville.

    Yes, I’m sure there was. End of story?

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: Uh. Wat? First of all, why does this building have a big switch that turns off all of the power? Second of all, why did it take so long for emergency lights to turn on? Those should be instantaneous. Third of all, how the hell did Mysterious do all of this when he struggled to win a one on one fight in the second chapter?

    Fourth of all, why is there zero security on the facility that controls water for the entire continent?!

    We should really have a “militarized society, ladies and gentlemen” counter.

    • erttheking says:

      ….WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! I just realized something! Later on Lightning defeats Mysterious by turning the lights on…THERE WERE ALREADY LIGHTS ON! Emergency lights, but still!

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    He would transfer the water straight to Titan, and use it harness more energy,

    Titan’s running a fusion reactor?

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lightning and Krysta had a good idea what was going on, but the warning alarms hadn’t sounded yet, so it wasn’t confirmed if it was Titan or not.

    Maybe because everyone who could make that decision was also waiting for the alarms to confirm it.

    Way to logic, Mykan.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Either that or the presence of water is throwing the radar off, making me wonder exactly in what situations this thing WOULDN’T be useless.

    Brain got this device from Subject 23‘s Cerberus, didn’t he?

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Curious! Moist curious.”

    I can’t tell the puns from the typos any more.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cornelia: Uh, I’m not sure that it works that way. I mean, if birds are flying and it starts raining, do they die?

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      I can confirm that there are a bazillion people asking the same question on Chinese sites.

      • "Lyle" says:

        The zoologist in me died a little with the knowledge that so many people have no idea that birds, mostly, just find a roost, hunker down, and wait it out. Like every other wild animal.

      • erttheking says:

        Well they do have an idea. They googled it and found out didn’t they?

    • "Lyle" says:

      Cornelia: Uh, I’m not sure that it works that way. I mean, if birds are flying and it starts raining, do they die?

      If they can’t find a perch, they actually could. Feathers are somewhat water repellent, but the standard flying bird (not waterfowl, naturally. They have special water resistant feathers) would find a rain storm a considerable danger to staying airborne. The rain would cause their feathers so clump together and add weight that would counter act the lack of weight from their hallow bones. If the bird cannot land because of bogged down wings, it could crash and a hard enough crash would kill it.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cornelia: Well I imagine they would be. They just made the walk from one town to another. Seriously, on foot that could easily take days, even weeks. But since it sounds like this trip is taking just a day at most, and not even an entire day, I have to question how closely packed this kingdom is.

    Actually, it’s kind of weird how the supposedly technologically superior Unicornidopia does not appear to have any form of mechanized transit, when Equestria had balloons, trains, and really kick-ass airships that actually seemed to make it pretty easy to cross large swathces of territory quickly and comfortably.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Oh, yes…” replied Mysterious “For you haven’t yet seen the type of monsters that I am able to create. Ha, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!”

    And…

    No.

    No, I’m not going to make another orgasm laugh joke.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    The monster continued to fire more water pulses, which the boys dodged, and Mysterious finally managed to swat Krysta out of his way, sending her right into an open drum of water.

    “I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE…!” she shouted

    NEITHER CAN I!!!

  16. Tragedy says:

    Nora: Because the rainbow rod also restores electronics and cures cancer and makes Mykan a good writer.

    Overkill apparently purifies and solves problems… Makes sense, I think…?

  17. TacoMagic says:

    “With enough of this water, I should be able to complete my newest experiment.”

    Spoiler: “this water” is Grand Ruler’s pee.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Meanwhile, there was Bluesville.

    *Crunchy walks in holding a saxophone*

    False alarm, dude. It’s the color thing.

    *Crunchy stalks back out, muttering to himself.*

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Lightning and Krysta had a good idea what was going on, but the warning alarms hadn’t sounded yet, so it wasn’t confirmed if it was Titan or not. Still, the gang agreed to investigate.

    It’s a thing, but it’s probably not, yet it is, or it might be at least, but maybe not, let’s go look!

  20. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: You needed water to make something water proof. I know you would want to test it, but the way he talks about it you’d think that the water would be the solution.

    According to Subject 23, water is always the solution.

    There’s a chemistry joke in there, as well, but I can’t bring myself to make it.

  21. TacoMagic says:

    “The air is positively dripping with moisture.

    No shit. It’s raining, moron!

  22. TacoMagic says:

    As they trekked deeper, they found some of the guards, literally, laying down on the job.

    Ert:…Fuck me, Mykan used the word literally correctly.

    Well, sorta. The grammar surrounding it is wrong because he used too many commas; “literally” is stranded as it’s own thought without a clause to modify. So it’s like the difference between an F- and an F+.

  23. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: Well, time to give up forever. We’re all magic, but no. We attacked a few times and nothing worked. Abandon all hope.

    Which is the thing that irritates me the most about Gilligan’s Island: “Welp, that almost worked, but we screwed it up at the last second. Let us never try it again.”

  24. The Crowbar says:

    It’s raining evil’s pouring

    *gigglesnort*

    What? Really? The FIRST sentence in the chapter?

  25. The Crowbar says:

    Ert: *Snort* HAHAHAHAHA! What is the point of having a house inside of a house?

    Maybe he thinks that the cute tiny pixie-thing (I honestly have no idea what exactly this Krysta character is) would be even cuter if it lives in a small doll house?

    Or maybe Lightning just likes to peek through those windows during night.

    Either way, I find it creepy.

  26. The Crowbar says:

    Titan liked the sound of Mysterious plan, and the two of them laughed maliciously together.

    I’m not even rooting for Titan anymore. Let’s just murdalize ALL of these clowns!

  27. The Crowbar says:

    The others all blinked in confusion, until Brain explained it was a radar tracking device that could detect elements, and other sources of energy and magic.

    “Elements”? That doesn’t sound very useful for…

    …Whatever they’re planning.

  28. The Crowbar says:

    A monster that was actually made of water.

    Pff, just throw some cesium at it.

  29. The Crowbar says:

    I’m having fantasizes about this character that involve a skillet and a can of gasoline.

    You have some kinky dreams, Ert!

  30. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: “Bang on?” I just-what? What in the Jesus shitting Christ is that supposed to mean? Bang on? Bang on the table? Clean up afterwards if you do.

    Nope, it’s stupider than that. “Bang on!” is English slang. It’s equivalent to the American “Right on!”

    So basically he’s making Brain English right the fuck out of nowhere.

  31. TacoMagic says:

    Brain bowed thankfully. “Thank you, gentlemen…”

    *Taco turns to face the Sneaky DRD Stealth Agents. He’s wearing a monocle and Jiwe is sitting on his lap*

    So good of you to join me, DRD. You have been expected. As you can see, I have a weapon of mass destruction at my disposal that you cannot hope to overcome.

    “So, what? You expect us to leave?”

    No, my dear boy, I expect you to PIE!

    Seriously, though, the pie buffet finally got fixed and they’re serving up a full spread this morning. Help yourselves. Also, can you bring me a slice of lemon meringue? I’d do it myself, but I’ve got a cat on my lap.

  32. "Lyle" says:

    Titan liked the sound of Mysterious plan, and the two of them laughed maliciously together.

  33. "Lyle" says:

    Ert: Finding interesting characters? Well it must be picking up absolutely nothing right now.

    *stifles laughter while trying not to make herself look crazy in front of her coworkers*


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