1309: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite – Chapter 3

 

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  none given
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back, dear Patrons!

We’re halfway through this odd little fic, and thus far there’s a whole lot of nothing going on. Kyo-Sue and Lena went to school mere hours after arriving in the country and there was a hasty little info-dump tacked on the end of the last chapter that tried (and failed) to explain why no one has told Lena about her status as a kidnapping victim.

Ugh. These chapters are about as substantial as a stale rice cake.

Lena was sitting at a table with me during lunch, she was happily eating a cookie while holding Usa-chan.

I’m hoping the lack of tags means that this event is occurring shortly after the meeting between Huni-senpai, Kyo-Sue, and Lena in the garden, but you can never be sure.

A angry looking girl walked up and I knew what was about to happen. A few months after I left Japan Kyoya and Souh Tamaki started a host club, which Mitsukuni and Takashi joined and this girl was jealous and about to chew my sweet Lenora ears out.

How does she know that this is what is going to happen? I assume it is, because Sues are never wrong, but how does she know? I can accept that Kyo-Sue was told about the Host Club forming, but I don’t know why she instantly comes to the conclusion that this girl must be jealous of Lena when there could be a perfectly logical and non-Host Club related reason that she’s angry. Lena might have stepped on her foot or said something rude in the bathroom, or almost anything could have happened.

“Say one word to her and you will find yourself in a law suit faster than you can say Host Club.” I told this girl in a cross me and you die tone of voice.

:headdesk:

You just overreact right out of the gate, didn’t even bother to let her say anything or find out the reason why the girl is there. Super classy of you, my dear. Threatening people with legal actions every time they come near you is a great way to make friends in a new school and a new country. Thank you for upholding America’s international reputation for being a country of litigious assholes.

I feel like I should point out that Ouran is a private academy for the super-elite, so the vast majority of the students (except scholarship students like Haru-chan) come from very wealthy and influential families. Issuing empty threats  to sue someone whose family probably has an entire law firm on retainer is a very bad idea.

“You can’t tell me what to do, who do you think you are?” The little spoiled snob said.

She’s the Sue, which makes her special. Because reasons. You can tell because the supposed “snob”, a label based on nothing but the Sue’s own imaginings, doesn’t say something along the lines of “Don’t you know who I am?” but instead turns the topic of the conversation so that it’s about Kyo-Sue.

” Everest-Tanaka Kyoko, daughter of Jonathan Everest and Tanaka Ayame.” I said as Lena looked up from her cookie.

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

I briefly mentioned this particular bit of lunacy in the comments section of a different riff a little while ago, and every time I see it my brain hurts.

Like many Asian countries, Japan follows the custom of listing a person’s family name first followed by their personal name – however, they recognize that this is not the custom in the West and do not alter Western names to fit this style. Someone named John Smith would not be introduced as “Smith John-san” because it is understood that this is not their name. Japan does not allow hyphenated family names at all, so if someone wishes to keep their original name after marriage or adoption then the two would be combined into one – “Tanakaeverest” or “Everesttanaka”, in this case. She could hyphenated it, but would have to do it in the Western style; Kyoko Tanaka-Everest or Kyoko Everest-Tanaka. If she wanted to, she could even drop her father’s name all together and just be Tanaka Kyoko; this isn’t a formal introduction so she doesn’t have to give her full name.

In short, there are many ways for Kyo-Sue to word her name depending on her preference and the author somehow managed to invent a new way that does everything wrong.

“You can’t be, she-ee su-pp-p-osed to be in America with Jonathan.” The girl stated.

Wha?

How does the girl know what the hell Kyo-Sue is talking about? Is her family so prominent that even some random girl knows her living situation? Because that’s really strange. Kyo-Sue has never been in this school before and hasn’t even been in Japan for several years. Does Random Angry Girl keep track of every potential classmate this way?

“Yes well after three long years my mother won the custody battle for me.”

…No, she didn’t. Or if she did, she didn’t say anything about it. The way Ayame worded her phone call made it sound like it was a whim and that it was up to Kyo-Sue to decide if she wanted to move. If Ayame really did get legal custody, she should have gone to the US and presented Jonathan with the paperwork and picked up Kyo-Sue personally to take custody of her rather than all this sneaking about and slipping out of the house without telling him where she was going.

I’m my mother’s oldest child, my twin siblings are actually my dad’s sister’s kids and after her death he adopted them, so I’m technically the oldest.

Good for you, I guess? This information is not really relevant to the conversation or the situation, so I have no idea why you are choosing to disclose it now. And FYI – adopted children do count.

Why do these older children exist at all if they were just going to be swept under the rug? This is clearly meant to make Kyo-Sue the eldest so that she is the heir, but why bother having these characters at all? They never appear, are only mentioned in passing, and now have been summarily dismissed. They were never given names or even genders!

Her mouth dropped and I smirked as she walked away. “Why did you do that?” She asked in Italian.

Why is Random Angry Girl asking Kyo-Sue something in Italian while walking away from her? Does Kyo-Sue even speak Italian, and if she does how did Random Angry Girl know that?

It was my progative, and because you have Hunny-sempai bunny she was jealous.” I answered in Italian.

Now I’m really confused. Was Lena the one asking the question in Italian, or is she the one who was jealous? All three of these characters are female so it’s hard to tell which “she” is doing what.

Why would she be jealous?” She asked tilting her head to the side.

:THWACK!:

IT WOULDN’T KILL YOU TO USE A PROPER NOUN!

Hunny-sempai is in a Host Club her at school,

You mean Ouran, the school both you and Lena are currently enrolled in? Doesn’t that make it your school, too?

Souh Tamaki is the president and Kyoya-kun is the vice president. Bothe Hunny-sempai and Mori-sempai our both in it,

:alarms blare:

GUMDROP! COMPANY’S COMING!

He’s going to be thrilled, Gumdrop has this new routine from Cats that he’s been dying to try out in front of an audience.

Hunny-sempai is the clubs boy-lolita type and that’s his bunny so she wasn’t too happy.” I explained to her as she ate another cookie.

Kyo-Sue is amazingly well-informed about the Host Club considering this is her first day in school. It is possible that Kyouya-senpai told her about the club if they remained in contact, but I’m still hung up on how Kyo-Sue knew so much about Random Angry Girl’s motivations given how little Random Angry Girl actually said. She only exists to make Kyo-Sue look like a badass, or as badass as someone can look when they threaten a faceless blob with legal action.

“If you don’t put normal food in your mouth, I will force it down.” I told her in English as she frowned.

Your “English” dialogue is somehow worse in structure than that faux-Italian even though they are actually written in the same language. How did you manage that?

“But…” She started.

“Now.” I said sternly.

So it would seem that one of the few things to carry over from the original is that Kyo-Sue acts like a domineering mother when she’s around Lena. I really hope Lena doesn’t start in with the sulky toddler routine or spontaneously acquire cancer.

“Okay Onii-san.” She said

:snerk:

She just called Kyo-Sue “big brother”;  “Onee-san”  the Japanese term for “big sister”.

and pulled out a sandwich and started eating it, I smiled as she ate it then Kyoya walked up looking kind of unhappy and I sighed.

Oh, no; one of your friends looks slightly unhappy! THE END IS NIGH!

“Misakisohma-san isn’t very happy with you she complained to Tamaki.” He told me as I stod up and looked at him square in the eyes.

Who is … Whatever that long name that looks like someone’s first and last names squished together, and why should I care?

She can fuck off.” I told him in Spanish.

That’s not very nice.” He smirked at me.

No one should ever think about yelling at my Lena,” I replied in Spanish with a monotone tone attached.

Bitch, that’s all she did – if she even did that. She walked over to you looking a bit angry, but she never said a word to Lena; you were the aggressor in the situation.

:alarms blare:

GUMDROP! ENCORE!

Your Lena?” he questioned.

She’s my very best friend alongside Kisa and You, plus I have to protect her.” I had switched to French by now.

For those of you keeping track at home, this is the fifth language Kyo-Sue has used in the past five minutes to hold a casual conversation with her friends. I cannot think of a credible reason why anyone would ever do that even if they were multilingual. It just reeks of being a show-off.

You might should apologize to her, or Hunny-sempai cause I think he might have lost a costumer.” Kyoya-kun said.

Good costumers can be hard to find; Gumdrop’s very attached to Mariko-san in the Library’s Wardrobe Department. It’s just so hard to find someone who understands the special needs of a seven-ton cosplayer with a tail.

I don’t think he will care as much once I tell him she was going to yell at his baby sister.” I smirked and turned from Kyoya, Picking Lena up as she latched on around my neck and got on my back

Gee, I hope this almost fifteen-year-old girl that everyone treats like a small child doesn’t understand French even though she speaks the linguistically similar Italian. That would be awkward.

And why the hell is everyone smirking?!?

“what were you and Ootori talking about?” she asked as I carried her to her class.

“Don’t worry about it Lena, it doesn’t matter.” I told her as I stood outside her last class with her.

“Now go and learn something.” I said and pushed her into the room.

:headdesk:

There’s only about a year’s difference in your ages – WHY ARE YOU TREATING HER LIKE A BABY?!?

It’s not just me, right? This … juvenile/parent relationship they have isn’t a normal friendship, is it?

Once she was safely in her classroom and turned my heels and went in the direction of the second year ward. I was just in time for class and my teacher sighed. “Are you going to show up just in time everyday Ms. Tanaka?” he asked as I took my seat.

Everyday being this one day? It’s her very first day of school, so she hasn’t had time to develop a habit. And she wasn’t “just in time” earlier, she was late for class but had a note and pass to excuse her absence. Come to think of it, why was she late before but on time now? The two classrooms aren’t closer together, so Kyo-Sue should have been late again.

“Most likely, I have to drop my imouto-san to her glass everyday to make sure she doesn’t get lost or step on.” I said and saw Kyoya and Kisa smirk at the comment.

Ugh, more smirking. Cerbs is going to run his wool off today.

Why the sudden use of familial terms? It’s common in Japanese, the language’s lack of pronouns has led to creative solutions since “imouto-san” is easier to say than “shoujo no tomodachi” when referring to a young female friend, but this is written in English so the same linguistic limitations don’t apply.

“Well since you plan to be late,

So which was it; was she late or was she on time? Because I’m seeing it both ways.

you can recite Edger Allen Poe Annabelle Lee for the whole class.” Said Mr. Yoshiku.

:eye-twitch:

Oh, you did not just go there.

First off, it’s Edgar Allan Poe and the poem is Annabel Lee. Secondly, do they even teach this poem in Japan? Most American schools have it somewhere on the curriculum because it’s an American classic, but wouldn’t a Japanese school teach Japanese poetry? English is taught in Japanese schools, but I would imagine they would use the same awkwardly formal phrases that are used in most language studies like “Where is the library?”  or “I would like to buy a toothbrush.” and not poetry that would require a much deeper understanding of the language – especially a poem like this that uses a number of archaic English words and grammar.

“Hai.” Kyoko said and stepped in front of the class.

And just like that, a sudden perspective shift from first to third. And wasn’t she already in front of the class? She had just walked into the room when the teacher confronted her.

“It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

The fact that the formatting is different, and the name is correctly spelled, makes me think that the author copy-pasted the poem from another source. This is actually a good thing, since it spares us from having to fumble through the author’s transcribed version. While this is one of my favorite poems, I think we can skip over it to the end.

When I finished I bowed and returned to my seat.

I don’t think you ever made it to your seat in the first place. The teacher grabbed you right as you came through the door.

I planned to major in English Literature,

:blinks:

Oh, honey. Do you ever have your work cut out for you.

the teacher just starred wide eyed , ” I can recite anything else by Poe if you ask me.” I smirked at him as he began teaching ignoring my comment.

Okay, smartass – recite for me The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. Oh, I know it’s a full novel and not a poem; but you did say anything by Poe, didn’t you?

I don’t know why this is supposed to be impressive; in Japan nearly everything is taught by rote memorization, so memorizing a poem (or even a series of poems) would be a commonplace occurrence.

After class ended I left in a hurry to fine Lena, she was just standing outside of her class with Usa-chan between her folded arms. Once she saw me she smiled and once again jumped on my back. “I’m ready to give Usa-chan back to Hunny-sempai now.” Lena said.

Why is “jumping on Kyo-Sue” a thing now?

“Okay than lets go to the host club.” I replied happily and started walking down the hall to the third music room.

Again – brand new student who has never stepped foot inside the school knows exactly where the Host Club has its activities.

We passed lots of clubs on the way so once I pushed those two double doors open, roses fell in my face and I heard a course of.

“Welcome Princess.”

Huh? What the hell does the first half of that sentence have to do with the second half?

There is often a graphic of the doors to the club room opening and a burst of intense light or flowers filling the screen as the club members welcome their guest inside, but this is only used to shift from one scene to the next and doesn’t mean that a literal fountain of flowers would erupt when the doors open.

XOXOXOX

Kyo-Sue is suddenly assaulted with roses, and that’s how the chapter ends. Odd choice, but at least the chapter’s finished.

And here is the next chapter for the rewrite I hope you like.

I liked the poem, but it wasn’t your own work. There’s only one chapter of this left and it keeps wandering deeper into “sandbox” territory and away from anything resembling a coherent narrative. I’m really hoping the next chapter isn’t just the author’s avatar hanging out with her favorite characters and being awesome, but I have a feeling I will be disappointed.

 

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27 Comments on “1309: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite – Chapter 3”

  1. SC says:

    These chapters are about as substantial as a stale rice cake.

    Disappointing, flavorless air pockets?

  2. SC says:

    Lena might have stepped on her foot or said something rude in the bathroom, or almost anything could have happened.

    Hell, you guys are in high school, nobody needs a reason to hate your ass there. It just happens. I would know, I managed to obtain a bully for every year of high school except my senior year, when I was homeschooling and didn’t interact with the rest of the student body at all.

    Ironically enough, they were all lame bullies who resorted to fake “thug lyfe” nonsense that they never backed up, or threatening to sick someone else on me to do their dirty work for them because they were wimpy shits who didn’t want to get their hands dirty, or just being annoying little twats who deserved to get the shit beat out of them because they wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

    Not sure what that says about me, that I had ineffectual bullies.

  3. SC says:

    Threatening people with legal actions every time they come near you is a great way to make friends in a new school and a new country.

    “Hi, my name’s Ted, and I’LL HAVE YOU BEHIND BARS FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE, SHIT NUGGET.”

  4. SC says:

    “You can’t tell me what to do, who do you think you are?” The little spoiled snob said.

    *wince*

    And I thought I was bad at writing villains.

  5. SC says:

    I’m my mother’s oldest child, my twin siblings are actually my dad’s sister’s kids and after her death he adopted them, so I’m technically the oldest.

    …Okay, that one actually took me a second to decode. That’s not a good thing. You shouldn’t have to play Web of Conspiracy with your family tree.

  6. SC says:

    I had switched to French by now.

    I’m about to say something in French that I think we all can agree with:

    Cette fille est une honte.

  7. SC says:

    English is taught in Japanese schools, but I would imagine they would use the same awkwardly formal phrases that are used in most language studies like “Where is the library?” or “I would like to buy a toothbrush.”

    One of my favorites from French class was learning that “il n’y a pas de quoi“, which is used to mean “don’t mention it” in response to being thanked for something, translates literally to, “it is not of the what.”

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Bothe Hunny-sempai and Mori-sempai our both in it,

    And what the HELL is going on with that spelling?

  9. TacoMagic says:

    “That’s not very nice.” He smirked at me.

    BAAAAAAAAAAA!

    *GONG*

    I’m not sure the cat suit is really a good look for you, Cerbs.

    BAAA!

    Yes, I know you’re helping, it’s just maybe you should have shaved off some of your coat before cramming yourself in there. You’re all bulgy; like the cat version of King Lear.

    • TacoMagic says:

      “I don’t think he will care as much once I tell him she was going to yell at his baby sister.” I smirked and turned from Kyoya, Picking Lena up as she latched on around my neck and got on my back

      BAAAA!

      ♫GONG♫

      Yeah, that doesn’t really count as accompaniment either.

    • TacoMagic says:

      “Most likely, I have to drop my imouto-san to her glass everyday to make sure she doesn’t get lost or step on.” I said and saw Kyoya and Kisa smirk at the comment.

      BaaaBaaBaaBaaaaaa

      ♫GONG♫

      BaaaBaaBaaBaaaaaa

      ♫GONG♫

      That’s Beethoven, not Cats.

      BAA?

    • TacoMagic says:

      the teacher just starred wide eyed , ” I can recite anything else by Poe if you ask me.” I smirked at him as he began teaching ignoring my comment.

      Cerbs?

      Baa.

      What do you mean on strike?

      BAAAA!

      I was not being mean! It doesn’t matter how long you rehearsed, that was in fact Beethoven!

      • Koori says:

        *pats Cerbs comfortingly on the shoulder* It was a beautiful rendition of Beethoven’s 5th, though. You should do classical more often.

    • Cain: Why is the cat suit on fire? I keep telling him he’s a Voidwalker.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Well, his first career was the Demon Sheep of Hades before that upstart dog took over. Maybe the fire is just his basic look.

      • Syl says:

        [drinks deeply from bottle] Hey, I miss anything …

        [stares at giant flaming sheep in a cat suit, then looks down at the bottle]

        I think this floor polish has gone off.

  10. "Lyle" says:

    “You can’t be, she-ee su-pp-p-osed to be in America with Jonathan.” The girl stated.

    So, Random Bitchy Girl is on a first-name basis with Kyo-Sue’s father? I can see being ignorant of the culture in which you write if you haven’t done any research, but the author is supposedly American and what American teenager would talk like this? It would be more believable to have put “in America with her dad.” I mean, I’m in my 30’s and it feels awkward to refer to an adult friend or acquaintance’s parent by that parent’s first name.

  11. "Lyle" says:

    Once she saw me she smiled and once again jumped on my back.


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