1305: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Twelve

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
URL:
Chapter Twelve
Critiqued by Lyle

*Lyle sits in her office with a glass of wine in hand.  An icy silence permeates the room as, beside her in two new chairs, Koori and Lina glare at each other*

We’re not starting until you both say it.  *sips her wine, staring hard at them over the top of her glass*

Koori:  Fine.  I’m sorry I stuffed your head in the toilet and flushed it.

Lina:  You’d better be-

Lina.

Lina:  A’right.  I’m sorry I broke your chair over your ass.  *muttering*  Though you deserved it-

Lina.

Lina: What?

Behave or you’re leaving.

*adjusts her glasses, takes another sip of wine, and forces a smile*

Good morning, lovelies!  Welcome back to another installment of “Everybody Likes Chocolate.”  Last time, our protagonist reached Mary Sue status when she managed to not get shot because of a conveniently placed box, took a gun from a fully grown man, was stabbed in a non-fatal spot, and then lasso’ed the assailant’s neck with a bit of ribbon she pulled from her memory box.  Wonka ended up breaking an undisclosed bone in the convict’s body after having stood useless off to one side like a lifeless mannequin for the duration of the shooting and stabbing.  Wonka then took Kitty to the hospital, leaving the convict there where he was eventually picked up by the police and taken back to prison without any medical attention (real-life spoiler: inmates get medical attention if they’ve gotten hurt; he would have been taken to the hospital under guard to get that bone set before being taken back to the clink).

Lina:  I’m still suspicious at how you know so much about how prison works.

Koori:  Don’t you dare question the prosperity of Miss Lyle, or you’ll be visiting Mr. Toilet again very soon.

Lina:  *clicks her teeth at Koori, fangs out*

Ladies.

*clears throat and sips wine*

We ended last week with Wonka sleeping on an icky hospital floor.  The next chapter is called “Waking Up.”  We’re about half-way through this fic so let’s get to it.

Sure, I was sleeping peacefully. Just as I had a few hours earlier. But, the deepest sleep of my life was once again interrupted. “Ouch!” I cried in pain. It woke up poor Mr. Wonka, who was sleeping so angelically. I felt really bad to wake him up.

His voice was rather quiet, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Ow! It hurts Mr. Wonka!” I began to cry.

Pain meds have worn off, it would seem.  I’ve never been stabbed in the arm but I can imagine she’d be feeling some pretty sharp pain without shock or pain killers.

“Shhhh, don’t worry,” he said in a rather calm, gentile voice, “i’ll get someone to help you.”

He pressed the button beside my bed, and immediately my nurse came in. “what is it? What is wrong? What happened?” the sound of my nurse’s voice was distressed, and I took that on as well.

Lina:  Hey, JD finally figured out that hospital beds have nurse call buttons.  Why he didn’t use that last chapter to find out when Kitty could go home, we will never know.

Koori:  What nurse barges in full of panic at a simple call button going off?  Send that woman home, she’s snapped and upsetting her patients.

“No, please, stay calm. If you are stressed, she will be too.” It seemed that whenever Mr. Wonka spoke, everyone listened.

Because we’ve seen so many cases of Wonka talking around people and them dropping everything to listen.

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The nurse was practically whispering. “Try to calm down, Bridget. You are going to be ok. Just relax.”

How about you do your job, ask her what’s wrong, and administer some more morphine?

“Ow!” I was screaming now.

Lina:  Okay, a stab wound doesn’t hurt that much.

Koori:  I was about to say the same.  Did she rip her sutures open or something?

Lina:  You know what a stab wound feels like?

Koori:  Why, yes, I do.  I am a ninja, after all.  I’ve seen combat.

Lina:  *snorts*  Yeah-huh.

Koori:  *glares*  I have.

Maybe she’s just got a leg cramp?  Those hurt like a bitch.

Mr. Wonka came very close. “Shhhh.” I relaxed immediately.

Lina:  Back off, creepy old man.  She’s thirteen.

“Her medicine has taken a strange effect. It is getting into her nervous system, causing sudden outbursts like the one she just had. I’m afraid we will have to tranquilize her for the night.”

Koori:  Quick, more wine!  *motions for Lina to grab the wine bottle*  I’ll hold her down, you pour it directly into her mouth!

Lina:  Aren’t you overreacting, kiddo?

Koori:  I will ignore you calling me kiddo as we have more important things going on right now.  The author just portrayed a medical issue incorrectly.  Get the wine before it’s-

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?

Koori:  -too late.  *hides in the fort*

Lina:  I call a truce for now!  *dives in after Koori*  We’ll be safer in the wine cellar, get that trap door open!

THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THE NURSE CAN DETERMINE THAT SHE’S HAVING AN ADVERSE DRUG REACTION MERELY BECAUSE SHE’S FEELING INTENSE BOUTS OF PAIN!  GETTING INTO HER NERVOUS SYSTEM?!  GETTING INTO HER MONKEY-SHITTING NERVOUS SYSTEM?!  HOLY FUCKING CRAP CAKES!

*breaths heavily for a long moment before looking around*  Where did my interns go?  I need my chalkboard.

Koori:  *peaks out of the tent*  Is it safe?

I need my chalkboard.

Koori:  Right.  *wheels it out of the closet and returns to her seat*

Where’s Lina?

Koori:  Reorganizing your wine selection.  She saw you put a chardonnay next to a rosé and nearly had a heart attack.

O…kay.  Well, I don’t need her for my list anyway.  Back to dissecting this utter suck.

“Her medicine has taken a strange effect. It is getting into her nervous system, causing sudden outbursts like the one she just had.

1.)  Kitty was stabbed.  She would have needed to be sutured shut.  Due to the nature of a non-lethal stab wound, she would most likely be given 3 medications: an antibiotic to fend of microbial infection, a pain medication to fend of pain, and an anti-nausea medication if the pain medication was prone to causing nausea.

2.)  Antibiotics do not affect your nervous system.  Period.  That’s not how they work.  They can’t get into your nervous system.  They travel via your blood stream, giving your immune system the information they need to attack and kill the microbes that are trying to take hold of your system.  There is no evidence ever showing an antibioltic causing an adverse affect in the nervous system.  Antibiotic allergies manifest as anaphylaxis; they cause swelling in eyes and throat, and this reaction happens within minutes of being exposed to the medication.  Hives, itching, bloating, diarrhea, and rashes are also common side effects of taking an antibiotic, although not usually as quick to onset.  Massive, spasmodic pain?  Nope.

3.)  Pain medication, however, works in your nervous system.  It targets the pain receptors on your nerves and shuts them down so the signal no longer makes it to your brain.  Technically, you’re still in pain; you just can’t feel it anymore.  There is no way that a pain medication would cause increased pain because it’s entire function is to block the reception of the signal that says “This hurts.”

4.) Given the severity of her wound, she would probably have been given morphine.  Wanna know the potential side effects of morphine?  Nausea.  Vomiting.  Dizziness, confusion, sweating, and drowsiness.  In high doses, it can kill you, but you’ll die a painless, drugged up death.  It will not cause you pain.

5.) Nausea medication.  JD would have no concept that Kitty would even have been given this.  Disregarding that fact, one of the more common prescription anti-nausea medication is ondansetron.  Main side effects:  Headache and constipation.  Unless you’re so backed up the poop-shoot that you’re experiencing horrible abdominal cramping, ondansetron will not cause you pain.  The severe side effects include dizziness and trouble breathing.

There is nothing they would have given her that would cause these symptoms.  Nothing.

I’m afraid we will have to tranquilize her for the night.”

Nurses are fantastic people.  They deal with some of the most messed-up shit in the world and manage to keep going.  I love nurses.  HOWEVER, when faced with an emergency such as a potential drug interaction / adverse effect from medication, no nurse in his or her right mind would think “Sedation will fix this!”  No.  So much no.  You know what they’d do?  They’d immediately call for a doctor and start trying to diagnose why or what is causing [reaction].  If you suspect an adverse drug reaction, the last thing you’d do is start injecting different medications without determining the root cause.  You’d cause your patient to go into cardiac arrest from mixing the wrong meds.  You especially don’t want to sedate someone when you need to determine what’s wrong with them.

The nurse pulled out a syringe. “Mr. Wonka,” my voice was weak, “don’t let her.”

“Isn’t there any other way to handle this? I mean, do you have to go to this level?”

She ignored his comment. “Now, Bridget, you may feel a little bit of pressure here…”

Why?  Are you not injecting it into her IV catheter like you’re supposed to?  You don’t just jab your needle into a person willy-nilly!  She’d be hooked up to some ringers solution and have a port in her catheter that allows for ease of administering injections.

“Wait!” his voice was quick, “may i?”

No.  No, you may not.  Only licensed medical professionals are allowed to administer medications within the hospital.  She’s most likely using diazapam, which is a benzodiazepine more commonly known as Valium, as injectable Valium takes effect within 1 – 5 minutes of administering the dose.  Unless you’re a licensed practitioner protected under the hospital’s malpractice insurance, you are not allowed to even touch the bottle she drew the medication from.

Lina: *pokes her head out of the fort.*  Hey.  Ninja-girl.  Come give me a hand.  I think Lyle’s got this handled and you’re probably feeling as useless in this part as I would.

Koori:  *shrugs and crawls into the fort after Lina*

“I’m sorry sir, but you are not a professional. I’ll have to ask you to step away.”

Yes!  Thank you!

“No, please, I beg you. Just let me do it, it may calm her more. She doesn’t know you.”

She handed him the needle. “I’m scared, sir, I don’t like needles. They hurt me.”

NO.

*smacks the nurse with a dead halibut*

NO.

*SPLAT*

NO.

*SPLAT*

NO.

*SPLAT*

Welcome to unemployment, Nurse Nartard.  You just handed a motherfucking controlled substance to an unlicensed stranger because a girl is afraid of an injection that should be going into a painless catheter injection port.

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“Now, now, you mustn’t worry about pain. It won’t hurt at all. Just relax, and it will be ok.”

Yeah, it won’t hurt because it goes into your fucking injection port.

“Actually, those injections are quite a bit painful when…”

By the way, Valium has to go intravenous. You don’t just jab it into fat or muscle.  It won’t work that way!

He darted a stern look at her. “Don’t listen to her. Now, close your eyes.” I did as he said. “I’m not going to tell you when I do it.”

I felt him gently place a bandage upon my neck. “Goodnight, Mr. Wo…” I was asleep.

YOU PUT IT IN HER MOTHERFUCKING NECK?!  ARE YOU UTTERLY SHITTING ME?!  OH MY GOD, I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE STUPIDITY BEHIND THIS-

Koori:  *pops out of the blanket fort, senbon in hand.  She jabs it into the pressure point in Lyle’s neck*

I can taste bluuuuuuuuu……. *collapses*

Lina:  Well, that works.  *drags Lyle into the blanket fort and tucks her into the pile of pillows*  How long will she be out?

Koori:  Hour.  Hour and a half, maybe.

Lina:  Groovy.  So… should we end things here or try not to kill each other while we tackle another chapter?

Koori:  *scans the next chapter*  We probably should wait for Miss Lyle to regain consciousness.  There looks like more bullshit medical nonsense in it that she’ll want a crack at.  I’m not a medic-nin; I just don’t know enough about this kind of thing.

Lina:  Hm, me neither.  I can heal a papercut if I try hard enough but I haven’t been in a hospital for forty years, and that last time I was mostly incoherent and then I died, so I can’t tell you much about what happened.

Koori:  You died?  *raises an eyebrow skeptically*

Lina:  Well, I got better.

Koori:

Lina:  See you next week, patrons!

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19 Comments on “1305: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Twelve”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    he said in a rather calm, gentile voice

    As opposed to a Jewish voice??

  2. GhostCat says:

    Last time, our protagonist reached Mary Sue status when she managed to not get shot because of a conveniently placed box, took a gun from a full grown man, was stabbed in a non-fatal spot, and then lasso’ed the assailant’s neck with a bit of ribbon she pulled from her memory box.

    There’s really no way to summarize that in a way that makes it sound less than completely stupid, is there?

  3. SC says:

    and then lasso’ed the assailant’s neck with a bit of ribbon she pulled from her memory box.

    Specs: Is she talking about like what I do with the swords in my head, or is there actually a box this time?

  4. SC says:

    (real-life spoiler: inmates get medical attention if they’ve gotten hurt; he would have been taken to the hospital under guard to get that bone set before being taken back to the clink).

    Lina: I’m still suspicious at how you know so much about how prison works.

    I’m not. With all the hospital and police reality shows, namely one called Jail and Untold Stories of the ER, it’s pretty easy to learn this stuff.

    • "Lyle" says:

      I don’t watch TV. The extent of my TV is pretty much MLP:FIM on Netflix and Downton Abbey on Amazon Prime, and occasionally a new anime that catches my eye. Or wildlife documentaries. Sometimes Chopped or Cutthroat Kitchen if Netflix has them. We don’t have cable; we have 3 channels that come in decently so Mr. Lyle can watch some of his sportsball games.

      My knowledge does not come from television. Nor extensive research on the internet.

  5. SC says:

    Koori: What nurse barges in full of panic at a simple call button going off?

    *Doc raises his hand*

    Doc: Back when I was a Medical-Surgical Nurse working at the local big name hospital – way before I turned to mercenary medicinal work, keep in mind – every time a call button was pushed by one of my patients, I had developed a response that said, “immediately assume they’re dying until proven otherwise.” This is because on day one, I stupidly assumed that a patient who had done nothing but whine about food time was just being whiny again, when in fact he was having a seizure. I didn’t freak the fuck out, though, that won’t do any favors in the ward.

  6. SC says:

    “Her medicine has taken a strange effect. It is getting into her nervous system, causing sudden outbursts like the one she just had. I’m afraid we will have to tranquilize her for the night.”

    Doc: Chief of Medicine is gonna have your head, lady.

    • SC says:

      *Doc reads the rest of the medical fail, takes off his glasses and rubs his temples*

      Doc: Holy shit, dude. I got cut from hospital work because I was accused of malpractice, but at least I wasn’t so bad at my job that how I passed the background check would ever come into question up top. How this woman isn’t suspended with an open investigation ongoing is confusing as hell to me.

      • Ishi says:

        One must reluctantly agree with this assessment. Such poor skills would not be tolerated within one’s infirmary and would cause the transgressor to be terminated with extreme prejudice.

  7. SC says:

    Koori: You died? *raises an eyebrow skeptically*

    Lina: Well, I got better.

    The Specs and Co. in summation.


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