1303: Holy Protector – Chapter Two

Title: Holy Protector
Author: BlackKitsune88
Media: Cartoons
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre:  Romance / Drama
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by KittyNoodles and Fury.  Wait, who the hell…?

*** THIS RIFF WILL FEATURE LOTS OF IN-FIC SACRILEGE. KITTY HAS BROUGHT IN A RINGER TO ATTEMPT TO KEEP HERSELF UNDER CONTROL, BUT THAT MAY NOT HAPPEN. FIERY RIGHTEOUS RAGE-RESISTANT BLANKETS CAN BE FOUND UNDER YOUR SEATS. ***

[Kitty enters the Snark Booth sniffling loudly between fits of hoarse coughing. Her hair is mussed, she’s still in her ratty pajamas, and she’s wrapped in a blanket scarf that doesn’t look very warm. She’s clutching a box of tissues in each hand.]

Kitty: I’mb sick a’d I have to riff. Fuck all of you.

[As Kitty sits down and blows her nose another person materializes in the room with a sound like tiny bits of glass falling onto cement. This newcomer seems slightly transparent, and although he sits down in a chair next to Kitty he doesn’t quite seem to be truly interacting with the chair at all.]

Newcomer: Quit whining. I have better things to do than babysit you through this nonsense.

Kitty: Patrons, due to the events of my last riff—

Pictured: An artist representation of what Kitty did to the fic and its author last chapter.

Pictured: An artist representation of what Kitty did to the fic and its author last chapter.

—I had to temporarily dismiss Scythe in favor of bringing in somebody who intimidates me enough usually that he might have some chance of preventing the Apocalypse should I lose my temper again.

Newcomer: Quite the opinion you have of yourself, little girl.

Kitty: Shut up. Anyway, Patrons, my new co-riffer’s name is Fury and he looks like the below sketch, but with black hair and very bright teak-brown eyes.

Image courtesy tumblr user el-aatmik.

Image courtesy tumblr user el-aatmik.

He’s also a dickhead.

Fury: I see the runt gets her repertoire of insults directly from you.

Kitty: I’d tell you to die in a fire, but you’d find a workaround that would allow you to injure me despite you being a ghost.

Fury: Are we going to start this ‘riff’ sometime this century? Unlike you, I have rather more important work to attend to that I have graciously put on hold for your sake.

Kitty: [pausing to blow her nose first] In the last chapter we watched Kristupher the Multiverse-Wrecker find favor with Fake Heaven because he is a whiny little neckbeard who desperately wants to get laid. Fake Michael the Archangel is apparently Kristupher’s lord and savior and Fake God seems an awful lot like the Force in that He is only mentioned and does all of His work through icons such as Fake Michael.

Also Kristupher’s in Equestria now and is all set up to create himself a harem of love-ponies because Fake Michael said that’s totally okay.

Fury: This sounds incredibly asinine.

Kitty: You have no idea, sir.

Disclaimer:Hasbro owns the MLP:FIM Ponies. I do not.

Kitty: That’s a good thing, because otherwise MLP would be a furry porn cartoon.

Fury: Behave yourself.

I only own my original character. God I and Michael own themselves. Please do not Flame. Only Constructive Criticism. Thank you.I know some of you think my character a Gary-stu. That will be debunked in this chapter and hopefully make this story more enjoyable. I also have a proofreader who will review and edit this story. Now enjoy!

Fury: Both Kistune and his proofreader should be made to retake every English class they have ever attended starting from the second grade.

Kitty: You might’ve been king, but I’d still vote for you.

Fury: Your Monty Python references could use some work, child.

Holy Protector Chapter 2

Kitty: Why even add this to the chapter if the title isn’t any cleverer than ‘chapter two’? DO you think your readers forgot which chapter they’re on?

Fury: Consider the sort of person who might find this story worth reading.

Kitty: …Fair enough.

Kris found out that the world that he is in is called Equestria.

Kitty: No, that would be the kingdom you are in. The planet itself hasn’t been officially named in-universe, and there are plenty of comments and contextual clues in the show itself that indicate the Equestria isn’t even the only major kingdom on the planet.

And the ponies are under the rulership of a Princess Celestia.

Kitty: But not Luna? Come on, man, Luna came back into co-power as early as the end of episode two of the first season!

Fury: Why has this Princess Celestia not been crowned Queen, yet? She is the elder sister, is she not?

Kitty: Uh, it’s a show for little girls, Fury. Putting aside the can of worms that is the ‘it’s very interesting that queens are always evil in these shows, but kings can be good or evil’ argument, princesses tend to be a little more, er… accessible. More relatable for the little ones.

Fury: In other words, using princesses has become such a common practice that even women who intend to promote self-worth and confidence will use it without ever realizing that they are furthering the stereotype that too much power is a bad thing for a woman to have.

Kitty: Now the comments are going to explode.

Fury: Excellent. Progress may be made.

And Speaking of Celestia, she put together a town meeting a few days after Kris came to Equestria after she heard of Kris’s arrival.

Kitty: Why would Celestia do that? Ponyville has its own mayor, and there’s been no mention of Kristupher having arrived at Canterlot, where the princesses act as sovereign rulers as well as city leadership. For that matter, why wait a few days for a town meeting? Why not immediately fly out to Ponyville to speak with Kristupher the second she heard of his arrival? And why a town meeting? What purpose does that serve when even the kingdom’s leaders don’t know what they’re dealing with?

Fury: You ask too many questions and offer up no advice.

[Kitty glowers at him.]

Fury: As the ultimate authority in her kingdom, Celestia should have had Kristopher brought immediately before her under guard and questioned him for herself in the privacy of her own castle. She should not have allowed this alien creature to wander freely amongst her people while she dithered about calling together a quaint little meet-and-greet with the public. For that matter, if it in fact took her several days to become aware of this boy’s presence, the security of her kingdom is sorely lacking.

Kitty: Missing the old days, Fury?

Fury: Be quiet.

The town meeting was happening right now. It was a question and answer meeting. With Kris and his home-world being the subject.

Kitty: This part of the story is narrated for you by William Shatner.

Fury: You incorporate much the same style, little one.

Kitty: Yes, but I still use complete sentences and only break things up like that to indicate emphasis on something a character finds important. This right here is just stupid—not to mention unnecessary. What the hell else would this meeting focus on except for Kristupher and where he came from? Does Kitsune really think we would assume the meeting was about somepony’s upcoming birthday party if he didn’t feed every last detail to us on a silver spoon?

No, not that Silver Spoon. Jesus.

No, not that Silver Spoon. Jesus.

Princess Celestia explained to Kris and the ponies in the audience how a question and answer meeting worked and Kris agreed to answer questions honestly and promptly.

Kitty: Kitsune displays a shocking level of concern for the ability of these cartoon characters to understand what a Q&A is.

Fury: Shocking?

Kitty: It’s almost like he’s fully aware that this fic is written about a show aimed at little girls under the age of thirteen, and therefore the characters in the show might possess varyingly childlike levels of memory, understanding, and knowledge.

Fury: That is incredibly disturbing.

Kitty: Isn’t it, though?

A pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail was the first to ask her question. She asked, “What is your name? Are you a spy?”

Kitty: Rainbow Dash doesn’t talk that way. I’m not even sure she realizes contractions are two words smashed together. Honestly, Kitsune, if you’re going to cut and paste scenes from the show into your own fic, you could at least quote the characters word for word.

Kris answered,”My name is Kristopher, but my friends call me Kris. No, I am not a spy. If I were a spy, I would have more intel on this place that you call home. And spies intend to harm. I am here to make peace.”

Kitty: If they don’t understand how a simple press conference works, how does Kristupher expect them to know what ‘intel’ is? And if they do know what ‘intel’ is, why in the hell hasn’t it occurred to him that they might still suspect he’s a spy and is lying to them to cover his tracks?

Fury: He did not come to make peace. He was sent here for the express purpose of finding love. If you must lie about your motivations, at least tell them something that makes more sense. He has no reason to make peace with them; their world and his are quite literally galaxies apart, and the humans have not progressed so far that traveling that distance would be at all feasible.

Another pony, a purple unicorn with an indigo mane with a hime cut asked, “Other than make peace,why are you here?”

Kitty: In what universe does that make sense? [as Twilight] Okay, you’re here to make peace. Logically that means you’re here to do more than make peace, right?

Fury: We may have been mistaken before. Perhaps this pony took Kristopher’s explanation as a comparison between his own motives and those of a spy.

Kitty: It’s still stupid.

Fury: Incredibly so.

Kris answered, “I am here on a mission. I am seeking something that obviously your world can only supply.”

Kitty: All the bitches.

Fury: [frowning] I am becoming increasingly concerned that Kitsune chose this setting for his story specifically because the characters native to this cartoon are simpler creatures than the average human woman.

Kitty: You begin to see why these sorts of fics cause ripples in the fandom community even when they aren’t this blatant about recognizing that the characters are designed to be relatable for young girls.

A pure white unicorn raised her hoof, Kris acknowledged her. And she asked, “What are you looking for here that your homeworld cannot offer?”

Kitty: The bitches.

Fury: Please stop referring to them that way.

Kris answered, “That will be secret to me and my friend, Michael until further notice, or until I find what I am looking for. Sorry.”

Kitty: Right, because if he tells them he’s here seeking a long, stable relationship, obviously he won’t be able to trust that any of them truly mean it when they swarm him with marriage proposals.

Fury: Perhaps he simply wishes to avoid being chased from the village by an angry mob.

Kitty: I wish. Since it’s Kristupher, we’re probably looking more at the ‘women can’t be trusted unless you fool them first’ line of reasoning.

A little filly with scarlet mane and tail with a pink bow in her mane, in the front row raised her hoof.

Kitty: Uh, I think that’s supposed to be Apple Bloom, but her mane and tail aren’t scarlet. They don’t even look scarlet, unless you’ve messed with the color settings on your monitor or television. Officially, her mane and tail are listed as brilliant amaranth. And that bow is light brilliant crimson, but I’ll let that one slide because that’s a damn mouthful.

Kris acknowledged her. She asked, “Who is, Michael?”

Fury: This would be the impersonator of Michael the Archangel, correct?

Kitty: Yep.

Kris said, “He is my King and savior.

[Kitty’s eyes narrow as she sits forward and growls—and then dissolves into a coughing fit.]

Fury: I hope you feel proud of yourself, Kitsune. You have upset my dear co-host in the midst of her crippling illness.

[Kitty gags menacingly in Fury’s general direction.]

You know what? How about I let you meet him? Michael, Please show yourself.” At that, Michael revealed himself. He seemed to pop up out of nowhere on the stage.

Fury: Of course. If he does not belong to the Mortal Realm, he would only become visible to mortal creatures if he so chose.

Kitty: Kitsune doesn’t think that’s how ghosts tend to behave in most media.

Fury: Perhaps Kitsune would benefit from reading a few eighth grade-level novels before trying his hand at writing anything more complex than a crack fanfiction.

Kitty: You know what the hell that is?

Fury: I was raised among humans and was born soon after the Cleansing had occurred. The lack of internet services did not stop my peers from their fanworks.

Kitty: The things I learn…

Michael waved to the audience, and Kris kneeled down to him. Michael told Kris gently but firmly, “Get up, Kristopher. I am not their King, so do not kneel to me in front of them.”

Fury: You are correct; this must be an impersonator. The real Michael would not stand for this continued disregard for the chain of command.

Kris apologized, feeling a bit chastened. Just then Kris got an uneasy feeling. And he felt worried. He asked Micheal in latin, “Has secutus est me? Deinde si quid diabolus me daemonia?” Which means, Has he followed me? Has the devil or any of his demons followed me here?

Kitty: [shielding herself with a tissue box] Holy fuckbunnies! Gratuitous Latin!

Fury: So speaks the woman who saw fit to name our villages and factions in Latin.

Kitty: Hey, you went along with it.

Fury: Very true. But I am not complaining about the use of Latin in this story.

Michael responded in latin, “Nulla Kristopher, securae sunt et habitatores Equestria machinis diaboli. Erit requies munitum.” Which means, No Kristopher, you and the inhabitants of Equestria are safe from the machinations of the Devil. Be rest assured.

Kitty: Really? Because Google Translate says the correct version should read, “Sed Kristopher tu et tuti ab incolis Equestria machinationibus diaboli.” And ‘erit requies munitum’ is translated as ‘rest assured’.

If you’re going to make corrections to the grammar, make sure to translate those corrections so that you don’t look like a jackass. Also make sure those corrections are, in fact, corrections.

Fury: If you must translate, you should add the translations at the end of the work, not in the middle of the story. Better still, allow your readers to translate the piece for themselves—unless, of course, you are aware that your Latin is flawed and are attempting to hide it by informing your readers what you are attempting to say.

Kris sighed with relief, and the question and answer meeting resumed. The pony that introduced herself as Pinkie Pie asked, “What is your homeworld like?” Everypony made sounds of agreement.

Kitty: Okay, hang on. First of all, is Michael still there, or did he poof away again? Was he only summoned at all so that Kristupher could ask him a thing in Latin? When did Kristupher even learn Latin? And why is Pinkie Pie using such a formal manner of speech? She’s another pony that sticks almost exclusively to contractions! What the hell are you doing, Kitsune?

Fury: Suffering a fatal seizure across his keyboard, perhaps?

Kitty: I don’t think we’re that lucky.

Watch out, Pinkie asked him to describe his home world. Earth-bashing is imminent!

Kris felt sick at his heart, so he told them as honest as he could, “My homeworld is a polluted and corrupt world. Men, Women, and Children die everyday.

Kitty: Yeah, disease and freak accidents are bitches like that.

Fury: Accursed cold and flu viruses, stealing our elders and young. Ours is a terribly corrupt existence when we cannot fend off afflictions that have taken millions of years to evolve.

Kitty: And we can’t really blame self-injury that accidentally spirals into death on corruption so much as mental illness, although that’s another can of worms I would rather not open.

Fury: And those foolish enough to send themselves sailing off of very high places to their potential deaths for the sake of an adrenaline rush really bring suffering upon themselves. No corruption so much as simple idiocy, there.

Kitty: But those animals, though. They’re fucking mobilizing against us.

There are corrupt government officials that do everything in their power to make more money. And the world governments spend alot of money on weapons, tools to kill, rather than tools to heal, feed, and make peace. And the rich folk get richer, while the poor get poorer.

Kitty: I am almost entirely sure Kitsune just paraphrased or directly quoted a Linkin Park song.

Fury: Do the ponies not have weaponry?

Kitty: They do, actually. The Royal Guard are occasionally depicted with spears, Pinkie Pie has fucking party cannons, and the upper crust ponies play croquet with mallets. There’s actually a pretty interesting video about the effectiveness of those kinds of weapons in the My Little Pony setting, for those interested.

Fury: As there are weapons in this world, why does Kristopher feel the need to explain what weapons are to these ponies?

Kitty: Apparently Princess Celestia either didn’t bring a contingent of Royal Guardponies with her or Kristupher isn’t paying the fuck attention again.

Men rape and kill their wives. Women kill their Children. Children kill their parents. And man dominates the world.

Kitty: He must mean ‘man’ as in ‘humanity’, because we already know with utter certainty that Kristupher is not a feminist. Also, I like that he thinks the only women who are ever raped are married to their rapists. Or that the only murders that occur are committed between relatives. That’s so adorably naïve that I almost want to go out and castrate a neckbeard or ten.

Fury: Kristopher himself is proof that rapists need not know their victims in advance of their crimes.

They slaughter countless animals for their own gain. Some use the animals for food. Some use them for clothes.

Kitty: Oh, Christ, not one of those dippy little hippy types again. Seriously? Sheep and alpaca are not killed for their wool. Silkworms are killed for silk, yes, but they’re fucking worms and hardly in short supply. Birds are not killed solely for their feathers—it’s most common that a bird killed for its meat is defeathered as part of the cleaning process, and those feathers are in turn used for things like pillows and decorations. Similarly, animals used for leather tend to provide a good deal of food, as well, and again it’s usually the need for food that results in the animal’s death, not the need for leather.

Next Kristupher will be telling them hens have their beaks burned off so they can’t peck at people gathering their eggs from them.

While most just kill an animal for specific parts and waste the rest of it. They just let the corpse rot.

Kitty: Most of the rotting process happens to the meat and hide. The meat is used for food and makes up most of the animal likely to rot. Even animals bred to be inhumanely overweight are not wasted as wantonly as Kristupher is letting on. If he’s attempting to refer to trophy hunters, even most of those will find some use for the meat of whatever creature they bring down. Most people are actually not wasteful sacks of refuse, contrary to what Kristupher (and Kitsune) believe.

Fury: We can, however, say with absolute certainty that Kristupher and likely Kitsune are both vegans. This, of course, makes them prey animals.

Kitty: Excellent. I’ll grab my rifle.

Some men use animals for experimenting on. People are very selfish on my homeworld. There are a big population of actually loving and unselfish people on my homeworld,though.

Kitty: Okay, no, dickhead, you do not get to lead with all of that absolute garbage up there and then suddenly do a one-eighty and claim humans are largely good people. Pick one and stick with it.

And my world has lovely sunsets. And beautiful beaches and gardens. There is a place on my world that is one big garden. It is part of my home country. And that part is called Hawaii. And the Garden Island is part of Hawaii, It is called Kauaʻi.

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Kitty: First of all, Kaua’i is called the Garden Isle. Secondly, you just reduced an entire island system and its native culture and population to America’s glorified garden. You, sir, are a racist.

Fury: Which makes it all the more interesting that racism never quite made it into Kristopher’s description of the many atrocities of the human race.

I have never been there myself, but I hear it is very beautiful. Many people go there to relax and enjoy the view.

Kitty: He’s not wrong with that one, but hearing a cretin like him say it that way makes it sound so much worse than it should…

And there are amusement parks called Disneyland and Disneyworld in my home country. They are called the happiest places on Earth. I went there when I was a small child. Disneyland that is, and I had the time of my life. Any more questions?”

Kitty: [snickering, as a pony] Yes, uh, just one. What the fuck are you even talking about?

The white unicorn from the group he first met raised her hoof.

Kitty: Wait, Rarity was there, too? We were only ever told that Pinkie Pie and Applejack were there when Kristupher took a nap outside the library. What the crap, Kitsune? You’re worse at description than I gave you credit for!

“What in Tartarus are you wearing? How did they manage to get mangled like that?

Kitty: I sincerely doubt Rarity would use the Equestrian equivalent of hell during a Q-and-A. Neither would she be that vague while dressing somebody down about the state of their clothes, which I can only assume is what’s happening here. I don’t know for certain, because the way Kitsune had Rarity phrase her comment is so blitheringly stupid that I can’t see straight anymore.

All the other ponies looked at her in shock from her sudden vulgarity. “What?” she defended herself, “Those clothes are an insult to fashion across Equestria!”

Kitty: I need to get a new Bullshit counter. Rarity doesn’t curse at bad fashion, you nincompoop.

Kris cocked his head slightly to her. “Well,” he explained, “this is normal where I come from.”

Fury: Oh, yes, tattered rags are the height of fashion on Earth.

Kitty: Yeah, ‘hobo’ is the new ‘shabby chic’.

He smiled, but then his smile faded. Michael saw this and said, “Quid est iniuriam?” Which means, What is wrong?

Kitty: Where the fuck did you come from?! Have you been standing there the whole time?

Fury: At least this time his Latin is sound.

Kris said,”Sentio vertiginem et languidum meo stomachum.” Which means, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. Kris then said to Michael, “Ego uestra opera Domini. Statim.” Which means, I need your help,Lord. Immediately. Kris then said, “Sequere me, Michaelis” Which means, Follow me, Michael.

Kitty: Since you’re saying all of this in front of the ponies, why not just say it in fucking English? And why hasn’t anyone asked you what the fuck you’re saying yet?

Fury: Again, the Latin is accurate. It would appear Kitsune has discovered Google Translate.

Kris excused himself, promising to return to the stage. Kris and Michael went to a quiet place behind the stage. Kris then said to Michael, “Please kill me, or at least heal me.”

Kitty: Death! Deeeeeeeeaaaaath!

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Fury: Are you quite through?

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Michael frowned and asked, “What is the matter?”

Kitty: He became self-aware and wishes to end the suffering of the canon.

Fury: Ha.

Kris said through gritted teeth, “I am coming down off my medication for my Bi-Polar disorder. I dont think I can go through with this mission.I either need my meds, or I need to be speed-detoxed right now, or I will pass help me.”

[Kitty does not noticeably react.]

Fury: You have nothing to say to this at all?

Kitty: [very calmly] Many people use fiction to escape their problems. I am reminded of a PPC sporking wherein a Suethor used their fic to escape their own diabetes. I was rather irritated when the message of that spork seemed to boil down to ‘don’t you dare use self-insert fanfictions to escape your troubles for a little while.’

Fury: I do not follow.

Kitty: I don’t know if Kitsune or somebody he knows or loves is bi-polar. I would hazard that the answer is no, because Kristupher shows no signs of the disorder at all. I do know that this is quite likely how Kitsune intends to debunk the idea that Kristupher is in fact a Stu.

Now, I’m not bi-polar, but I do have my own little cache of mental… quirks. Do you know how this development in the fic makes me feel, Fury?

Fury: Shall I tie you down now, or after you have destroyed something?

Kitty: I won’t destroy things. Things are not making a mockery of mental illness while simultaneously using bi-polar disorder as a crutch to excuse lazy writing and shitty character creation skills. I suppose if there’s ever a chapter three, Kitsune will claim to have or know somebody who has the disorder, which will be an undisguised ploy to garner pity and sympathy in the wake of all the intense, burning hatred we as the readers are beginning to feel for his very existence.

Michael promptly put his hand on Kris and purged his system of any trace of his medication and healed him. Michael made a pill appear in one hand and a gold chalice in the other filled with water. He told Kris to take it. Kris popped it in his mouth. Michael handed Kris the gold chalice and told Kris to drink it down to the last drop. Kris swiftly obeyed.

Fury: [to Kitty] Thank you for not making any references to poison.

Kitty: I’m still wishing very loudly that it was.

Fury: I suppose I can live with that.

[Kitty snorts.]

Kris then asked Michael, “What was that pill I took for?” Michael explained, “That pill is a treatment for your illness. It has long-term effects and you only need to take it once a year. It is not yet time to cure you of your illness. Now come, let us get back on that stage, shall we?”

Kitty: That’s not how God works. Either He fixes what’s broken, or He lets you fix it yourself, or He lets you discover the broken thing is not really broken so much as different from the societal definition of normal. He does not do both at the same time, because if He says something is broken, it is broken. If He decides to fix it at all, it’s not usually on a prescribed yearly basis.

Kris nodded an affirmative before walking back on stage. The meeting resumed. The pony with the “Hime” cut raised her hoof. Kris pointed at her. She asked, “How did you get here?

Kitty: He literally flew here in a glass bubble. Michael thought it would be a cozy reminder of the plastic one Kristupher spent his childhood in.

Fury: That was uncalled for.

Kitty: So is Kristupher’s fake bi-polar disorder.

Kris smiled at that question, and said, “I simply made a I was lifted off my feet and encased in a bubble made of glass. And I was hurled through space at great speeds and ended up here.”

Fury: Not great enough, sadly.

Kitty: I see Kitsune subscribes to the Control school of not properly completing your place the turkey into the oven hairball can be quite large in size raffle ticket number forty-seven.

The rainbow maned pegasus mare asked, “Are you sure you are not a spy?” Kris smiled at her and asking her a question patiently, “What will it take for you to believe that I am not a spy and that I mean you no harm.

Kitty: I dunno, what’s it gonna take for you to fucking ask somepony who they are?

Fury: Your coarse language is becoming a bit much to stomach, child.

In fact my goals are quite the opposite. I wish to learn from all of you. I wish to learn to live a peaceful life.”

Kitty: Right, I forgot he’s from Comptonbronxoakland.

Fury: I hear their crime rate is atrocious.

The white unicorn asked, “Any plans for settling down? I ask for everyones benefit.”

Kitty: Rarity, do I need to spritz you with a water bottle or something?

[Fury chuckles.]

Kris was floored by her boldness. He asked, “What is your name ‘Fashionista’?”

Kitty: Oh my god, the first time he asks somepony for their name, he decides to be a prick while he’s at it. That would be like me going up to Fury and going, “Oi, tall dude! What’s your name, tall dude?”

[Fury grimaces but doesn’t deign to respond.]

She answered,”My name is Rarity, darling.”

Kitty: Rarity does not randomly throw ‘darling’ into her dialogue, you twatwaffle. Least of all while she’s introducing herself to somepony. In a setting where Twilight Sparkle and Roseluck are typical names, Rarity really isn’t going to add ‘darling’ to her introduction if there’s a chance her new acquaintance will mistake her name as being Rarity Darling.

He asked,”And what do you do here?” She said, “I am the towns clothing designer and, as you said, Fashionista.” Kris said, “Ah.” He was starting to feel abit uncomfortable as he was being stared at by those azure eyes. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as he answered more and more questions.

Kitty: Rarity needs an adult other than Kristupher or Michael.

Fury: And perhaps a stern talking-to concerning inter-species relations.

“Now let us end this gathering. I am finished answering questions.” Kris hurried off the stage.

Kitty: I’m not even surprised by the rudeness at this point—and, jackass, it is rude to try calling the shots or ending something started by somebody else, be it a roleplay thread or a town meeting. If anything, I’m stunned that Princess Celestia let him end the meeting she called together in the first place.

Fury: I am less surprised. She has already proven to be a very lackluster princess.

Kris ran towards the spot where he yelled at Michael before. He slammed his back against the tree. He told Michael, “I think this is a big mistake, Michael. Did you hear how Rarity was insulting me? I do not think she could be in my harem. Could she?”

Kitty: Ho-ly shit, Kitsune actually thinks commenting on the state of someone’s clothes is an insult to the person wearing them. That explains so much about Kristupher’s character. And a great deal more about why Kristupher can’t maintain a relationship to save his life.

Michael replied, “Yes, she is going to be in your harem. And she is just a bit outspoken,thats all. No offense was meant by her questions.”

Kitty: I feel the need to level with everybody, here.

I am writing a fic where a canon, royal character from World of Warcraft has his own harem. I have read and enjoyed stories about characters who have harems. Even harems where the creatures employed edged on looking more like animals than people.

Two things need to be in play for me concerning harems: First, the character with the harem needs to have some very sensible reason for why they are able to have a harem—usually that means it had better at least be a prince or princess we’re talking about, here. Second, harem life needs to be reasonably looked at and deconstructed, not painted as this lovely, always-happy time where all everyone does is bang each other and fawn over whoever they are enslaved or employed by.

Also, they need to not be the mental equivalent of children and teenagers servicing a blueballs douchecanoe who’s only around them to start with because he couldn’t get laid back home due to being the world’s most transparently entitled little sexist pig to ever stand on two legs.

They also need to not be outright animals, which the ponies are. As a bonus, here’s what these ponies probably look like to Kristupher:

Courtesy of deviantARTist earthsong9405.

Courtesy of deviantARTist earthsong9405.

And no, I do not think they would look more like regular horses, because there are characters in the show who actually do look like regular horses, thus vindicating my belief that the Mane 6 would not. No comments on the wings, though. Those are just neat.

In any event, you fail Christianity, Kitsune. You fail common decency. You probably embarrass the furry community at large. In fact, according to the comments on this fic, you even embarrassed the God-be-blessed brony community with this fic.

Stop writing, Kitsune. Stop writing right now and go enroll in some Basic Humanity courses until you figure out how to act like an actual human being.

Kris enquired,”Just how many will be in my harem. And who?”

Fury: It is a surprise.

Michael replied,” Right now I cannot tell you how many, and as for who, I cannot tell you either, but I will give you a hint. Two of them are royalty.”

Kitty: He’s gonna fuck Celestia and Luna.

Fury: Is Luna of age?

Kitty: In a world full of ambiguous ages and teenage-minded adults, I’d say she’s riding the line between jailbait and legal. She always strikes me as a very mature eighteen-year-old.

Kris blinked when he heard that. He turned to look at Michael to explain but he had already evanesced.

Kitty: Guess which word isn’t actually a word? I’ll give you a hint: Evanescence is not a verb.

Kris went back to the village. He had to find a job soon. Applejack’s family had been nice enough to lend him their barn. But he needed some more comfortable living conditions. So he decided to try the town’s Library.

Kitty: Oh, right, Twilight’s kinda like the Princess of Paperwork for a while after she gets her wings. Maybe he’ll fuck her instead of Luna.

He walked into the Library, and was greeted by a purple lizard thing with green head-scales. Kris asked, “What are you?And what is your name?”

Kitty: Kristupher doesn’t read enough fantasy to know what the hell a dragon is. Or to figure that the odd lizard thing walking upright might be one.

The purple lizard thing identified himself as a baby dragon and that his name is Spike. Kris looked at Spike in wonder. He stated, “I have never seen a real live dragon before. Dragons on my home-world only exist in fictional stories. Wow, a baby dragon. An honor to meet you, Spike.”

Kitty: I’m not taking back my earlier comments, because obviously Kristupher is lying. He is in a world surrounded by talking ponies that are literally every color in the visible spectrum. Why in the hell would he not immediately think ‘baby dragon’ on seeing Spike if he’s actually read about dragons before?

 I mean, this is probably what Spike looks like in real life, for crying out loud.

I mean, this is probably what Spike looks like in real life, for crying out loud.

Spike responded,”The honor is all mine.”

Kris heard a feminine voice call out, “Spike,who are you talking to?” The owner of the voice came around the corner. It was the unicorn with the hime cut from before. The unicorn said,
“Hello, Kris. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am the towns Librarian. Now that introductions are out of the way. What can I do for you?”

Kitty: That was clipped even for Twilight.

Fury: Not to mention incredibly fragmented.

Here is the second chapter. Thank you for being patient. Please continue giving me reviews. I enjoy reading them. I have lots of plans for this Fanfic, so please bear with me here.

Kitty: Fortunately, this appears to be the end of this fic; Kitsune deleted it just as our very own Lyle attempted to comment on it. Have no fear, Kitsune; I know where you hide, now. I know how to find you. I know you’ve written other badfics in need of riffing. I’m not going anywhere.

Fury: Very nicely done.

Kitty: You killed it. I was menacing and imposing and you just ran it over with a forklift.

Fury: [patting Kitty on the head] There, there. You will have plenty of opportunity to try again in the future.

Kitty: True.

Fury: And you can even get some practice in by completing the second chapter of your… charming… Warcraft fanfiction. The one in which you go to great pains to completely rewrite the history of a character you claim to love.

Kitty: Also very true! I don’t even have that much left to do before I can post it!

Fury: And your readers will be ever so delighted.

Kitty: I should really go do the thing.

Fury: Oh, look. The door is open.

Kitty: . . . . . .

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86 Comments on “1303: Holy Protector – Chapter Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Thank you.I know some of you think my character a Gary-stu. That will be debunked in this chapter and hopefully make this story more enjoyable.

    *grabs popcorn*

    This should be entertaining…

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It was a question and answer meeting. With Kris and his home-world being the subject.

    Ah, yes, this “beta reader” sure did a lot of proofreading for you. Mmhm.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    If I were a spy, I would have more intel on this place that you call home.

    You mean the intel that you don’t have because you’re wasting your time here in this Q&A session instead of gathering it?

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Kitty: I wish. Since it’s Kristupher, we’re probably looking more at the ‘women can’t be trusted unless you fool them first’ line of reasoning.

    So I see Kristupher has taken lessons from the Daius Aurelias school of dealing with women, eh? That… does not surprise me nearly as much as it should.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Has secutus est me? Deinde si quid diabolus me daemonia?”

    *facepalm*

    Yay, Google Translate Latin. Because we totally needed that.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    No Kristopher, you and the inhabitants of Equestria are safe from the machinations of the Devil. Be rest assured.

    Yes, we’re totally safe from the machinations of the Devil here. It’s not like Discord, or King Sombra, or The Great and Powerful Trixie, or malevolent dragons, or anything else that is evil are up in Equestria. No, it’s totally free of the Devil.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      This is actually weirdly in accordance with a Roman Catholic doctrine that alien civilizations might never have heard of the Messiah and other familiar Christian constructs because they never committed original sin.

      It also seems to fit in with a relatively common idea that different planets, etc. have different pantheons that don’t really interfere with each other, but that seems to run counter to a lot of early Christian documentation, the thing about Jesus ministering to the gentiles, etc.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    There are corrupt government officials that do everything in their power to make more money. And the world governments spend alot of money on weapons, tools to kill, rather than tools to heal, feed, and make peace. And the rich folk get richer, while the poor get poorer.

    And why the fuck are you running instead of doing something about it?

    See, this is one thing I also hate about these kinds of people. They bitch about how terrible a place the world is, yet they also don’t feel like doing anything about it. It only takes a good man to do nothing to let shit like that fly, asshat, and you’re basically running away instead of making an attempt to make the world a better place.

    Ugh, people like these can be so disingenuous it’s not even funny.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And there are amusement parks called Disneyland and Disneyworld in my home country. They are called the happiest places on Earth. I went there when I was a small child. Disneyland that is, and I had the time of my life.

    So does anyone else want to sit him down for a screening of Escape from Tomorrow?

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I am coming down off my medication for my Bi-Polar disorder. I dont think I can go through with this mission.I either need my meds, or I need to be speed-detoxed right now, or I will pass help me.”

    *facepalm*

    Fuck’s sake…

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Fury: I am less surprised. She has already proven to be a very lackluster princess.

    Not to mention a wallflower. Seriously, did she even have one line of dialogue at all through all of this?

    • KittyNoodles says:

      Nah, as far as I can tell she just kind of stood back and watched? Which would be more in-character for her if she wasn’t physically present to begin with.

  11. meeshybee says:

    You know what? How about I let you meet him? Michael, Please show yourself.” At that, Michael revealed himself. He seemed to pop up out of nowhere on the stage.

    His “King and savior” sounds a lot more like a lackey.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    God I and Michael own themselves.

    God I? Is there a God II?

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Kitty: Why even add this to the chapter if the title isn’t any cleverer than ‘chapter two’? DO you think your readers forgot which chapter they’re on?

    I think the author forgets what chapter he’s on.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Fury: Why has this Princess Celestia not been crowned Queen, yet? She is the elder sister, is she not?

    Kitty: Uh, it’s a show for little girls, Fury. Putting aside the can of worms that is the ‘it’s very interesting that queens are always evil in these shows, but kings can be good or evil’ argument, princesses tend to be a little more, er… accessible. More relatable for the little ones.

    Fury: In other words, using princesses has become such a common practice that even women who intend to promote self-worth and confidence will use it without ever realizing that they are furthering the stereotype that too much power is a bad thing for a woman to have.

    Kitty: Now the comments are going to explode.

    Fury: Excellent. Progress may be made.

    If I recall correctly, Lauren Faust has said as much, with the added tidbit that the princess thing came from upstairs in Hasbrow and the title she was thinking of for Celestia was “Empress”.

  15. meeshybee says:

    Kris blinked when he heard that. He turned to look at Michael to explain but he had already evanesced.

    Kitty: Guess which word isn’t actually a word? I’ll give you a hint: Evanescence is not a verb.

    Surprisingly, dictionary.com says both are real words.

    Using it in this trash, however, just makes Kitsune sound even more like he’s trying to sound smarter than he is.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    No, I am not a spy. If I were a spy, I would still say exactly the same thing.

    Fixed it fro you.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know what? How about I let you meet him? Michael, Please show yourself.”

    Because, being a massive Stu, I can just order massively powerful divine beings around whenever I goddamn please.

  18. SC says:

    Fake God

    Specs: You know, Booky tried to make one of those at one point.

    Oh yeah? How’d that go?

    Specs: You know the end boss of Silent Hill 3?

    http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/silent/images/b/b7/God.png/revision/latest?cb=20140228053900

    …Oh, so it went over like a fart in church, then.

    Specs: Now we’re on the FBI AND Interpol’s watch lists!

    I’m amazed you didn’t get on Interpol’s watch list sooner.

  19. SC says:

    Please kill me, or at least heal me.

    Doc: Pick one, dammit, I can’t do both.

    Should I be impressed or concerned that the mercenary doctor made it out of the crying closet first?

  20. SC says:

    women can’t be trusted unless you fool them first

    I mean, how do you think Booky keeps Glasses out of his pants?

    Glasses: But I thought he gave me cheesy puffs because he liked me!

  21. SC says:

    All the bitches.

    Sports Shades: Heh heh heh~

  22. SC says:

    Kitty: Excellent. I’ll grab my rifle.

    Little did you all know that gun-slinging runs in the family!

    To varying degrees, mind.

  23. SC says:

    Please continue giving me reviews.

    Asking nicely is still review-whoring, author.

  24. The Crowbar says:

    God I and Michael own themselves.

    *sigh*

    Really?

  25. The Crowbar says:

    when they swarm him with marriage proposals

    What.

  26. The Crowbar says:

    Fury: We can, however, say with absolute certainty that Kristupher and likely Kitsune are both vegans.

    Why is it that a large amount of vegans turn out to be more horrible than most meat-eating people?

  27. The Crowbar says:

    And my world has lovely sunsets. And beautiful beaches and gardens.

    What?

    That was the most sudden 180 I’ve seen this year!

  28. The Crowbar says:

    “What in Tartarus are you wearing? How did they manage to get mangled like that?

    And nobody has any reaciton whatsoever to the absolutely dystopian shithole that he made Earth out to be.

    Lovely.

    • KittyNoodles says:

      Which makes his anti-Earth rant all the more asinine. There wasn’t even any point to it! It’s like Kitsune read back through the chapter and went, “Hmm, it’s okay, but I think I can use this as a platform for all of my super-intelligent observations about the world!”

  29. The Crowbar says:

    “Please kill me, or at least heal me.”

    PFFFF-*snerk*

    Kill his ass!

  30. The Crowbar says:

    I do know that this is quite likely how Kitsune intends to debunk the idea that Kristupher is in fact a Stu.

    Oh My Fucking God, THIS is how he attempts to “de-bunk” the fact that the protagonist is a Stu and a blatant SI?!

  31. The Crowbar says:

    “I simply made a I was lifted off my feet

    Now, as a pony, the expression on my fave would be something along the lines of this:

    “U w0t, m8?”

  32. The Crowbar says:

    Kitty: He’s gonna fuck Celestia and Luna.

    *Spittake*

    He WHAT?!

    Can I kill him AND the God that is allowing this?!

  33. "Lyle" says:

    Kitsune deleted it just as our very own Lyle attempted to comment on it

    *struts*

  34. SC says:

    I’ll give you a hint: Evanescence is not a verb.

    Hate to bust your chops, sis, but:

    evanesce

    [ev-uh-nes, ev-uh-nes]

    verb (used without object), evanesced, evanescing.

    1. to disappear gradually; vanish; fade away.

  35. TacoMagic says:

    Kitty: The bitches.

    Fury: Please stop referring to them that way.

    The broodmares.

  36. TacoMagic says:

    The white unicorn asked, “Any plans for settling down? I ask for everyones benefit.”

    It’ll save time if we know what cities to evacuate.

  37. Swenia says:

    Putting aside the can of worms that is the ‘it’s very interesting that queens are always evil in these shows, but kings can be good or evil’ argument, princesses tend to be a little more, er… accessible. More relatable for the little ones.

    Which is a shame, because queens get to have a lot more fun. As a princess it’s all “do your lessons” and “dress up for the ambassador’s visit” and “try not to embarrass me at the ball” and “you need another round of basic to deal with your insolence.” Sooo boring!

    There’s a lot more work involved running the whole show, but you get all the wine you can drink and there are scantily clad people waving palm leaves at you!

    I’m not really sure why they do that, but I chose not to question that particular tradition.


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