1304: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Three

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by agigabyte

Dakota: Welcome back! We’re here from the GNS Mystic.

agig: You know you hate it! And I’m going to make you all sit through this with me. Today, “you all” includes a certain Captain.

Sem: I hate you.

agig: That’s nice! Now, let’s begin.

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 3

Garfield was meditating on top of roof of Normany

Dakota: Or, at least, his body was floating somewhere above it.

Sem: Pretty sure he has space brething.

Dakota: Damnit.

when EDI interrupted him with news.

“Garfield Grunt the Team Krogan wants to see you.” Said EDI with voice.

agig: Is this more or less shitty than Primrose Wording?

“Very well I will see him in exercise room”. Said Garfield.

Garfield entered the exercise room and began running to rockin workout music that reminded him of the highschool years.

“Now this is taking my back.” Said Garfield with nostalgia.

agig: Not sure why. I mean, you never had much spine to begin with!

…Because he’s the opposite of fearless.

Dakota: We got it, sir. We just think it was worthy of Goddess.

[How dare he encroach upon my domain?! I will track him down and have my righteous revenge upon him for his insolence!- Goddess]

[Get out of my transcripts. Or at least have the decency to send it through regular Subspace Comms instead of the untraceable Void Communication System.   -Monitor]

While Garfield was reminiscing of glory days of football and girls, Grunt walked in and approached Garfield with earnest.

Sem: *Cuts off author’s right finger* Please, introduce OCs before mentioning them.

“Garfield, I am having trouble I am feeling anger and angst.” Said Grunt with angsty face.

“It is ok my friend you are going through the puberty.” Said Garfield with biology.

Sem: I believe that Garfield has inherited Marissa’s Detektiv Powers.

Dakota: *Opens comm channel to Engineering* Shit, you’re right! Engineering, prepare the countermeasures!

Some Engineer: Already begun, but it will take roughly fifteen more chapters to finish.

Dakota: Understood, Engineering. *Closes Comm Channel* Damnit.

“I feel all new things that are new.” Said Grunt the Krogan.

agig: Motherfucker. Initiate DRD Protocol 6,963,684,575.

Screen: *Fades to lack of light*

“It is ok let us have friendly bicycle race that will help work out hormones.” Said Garfield with physicality.

agig: …On a spaceship with corridors barely large enough for two humans to walk side by side?

Agent [CLASSIFIED]: *Brings in a counter*

”You’re on a ship. In space.” Counter: 5

Garfield and Grunt then had a friendly bicycle race around the Normany to work off stress and Hormones. Garfield came in first by large lead

Dakota:

but Grunt did not mind to lose to such man power.

Dakota:

“You are too much man for me Garfield.” Said Grunt with perspiration.

“It is ok, but do you feel better.” Said Garfield with concern.

“No I am afraid I think we will need to be going to Krogan home world to ask Krogan elders.” Said Grunt the Krogan with tantrum.

“Very well we will go and see elders and have you cured. Put the pedal to medal and blaze us to Krogan home world!” Roared Garfield with orders.

Agent [CLASSIFIED]: *Holds up picture of rotting corpses on the Normandy as it keeps flying at Sublight Speeds to its destination*

Sem: I concur. *Pings counter*

”You’re on a ship. In space.” Counter: 6

The Normany sped to Tuchunka the home of Krogan galaxy

Dakota: I… I just can’t even… Garrus!

Garrus: *Walks into the Riffing Room* You called?

Dakota: *Gestures to the screen*

Garrus: *Headdesk* Oh, those are amazing. Anyway, Tuchanka, home of the Krogan Galaxy? Several problems here. Tuchanka is a planet, not a Universe. It is also in our own Galaxy. Last, but not least, the planet of Tuchanka is in our Galaxy.

over in order to find solution to grunts riddle of adolescence. When they arrived on Tuchunka Garfield and crew waltzed out to surroundings.

Sem: A waltz is a human dance, right?

Dakota: Yep.

Sem: They danced out to surroundings. Implying surroundings are something they didn’t have before.

Garrus: Well, surroundings don’t really exist in the formless void.

“Where is Krogan leader?!” Cried out Garfield to the heavens. On hearing Garfields call a Krogan approached Garfield.

“The Krogan leader is over there.” Pointed the Krogan.

“Thank you krogan.” Said Garfield with gratitude as he walked off. As Garfield walked he saw a Krogan guarding a door and approached him.

“Where is this lead?” Asked Garfield with curiousness.

“This is where krogan females are. No aliens are allowed to see females not even Garfield.” Said Krogan with warning air.

“I SEE ALL FEMALES.” Declared Garfield with righteous roaring as he head butted the krogan into the ground.

agig: *Bursts out laughing* I’m sorry, but- *Laughs again uncontrollably, and eventually composes himself* but Garfield headbutting a Krogan into the ground is my new favorite thought.

After the stupid krogan was head butted, Garfield lunged into female camp where he made sweet lovings to all Krogan females for many hours.

Monitor Body: *Sets down a tray of Brain Bleach Gargleblasters compatible with every species*

Sem: You got the formula working?

agig: Yeah.

Sem: Thank you! You guys are amazing.

agig: Yeah.

Sem: And humble.

Dakota: His humbleness is the most noticeable in the entire omniverse.

After his lovefest Garfield went back to the male camp to get back to business.

“There is the Krogan leader.” Said Grunt, pointing to the Krogan leader.

Garfield strutted up to the Krogan leader like a hotshot cowboy and stared into his eyes with resolute.

“What is wrong with my Krogan?!” Demanded Garfield, pointing towards Grunt.

“Your Krogan is in puberty he needs to go through the rite. You must go see the Shaman.” Said the Krogan leader.

“I respect culture I will do the rites.” Said Garfield with civil rights. With this said Garfield and Grunt went to the Shaman who was doing a shaman dance.

agig: *Tilts head* Pretty sure that’s racist towards every culture that has Shamans.

“Halt shaman I want none your foolery.” Said Garfield with staring eyes.

Garrus: Didn’t you say a moment ago that you respected cultures?

“I respect culture I will do the rites.”

Garrus: Thought so.

“I am doing cultural ritual, respect our heritage.” Said the Shaman.

“I respect three things, Strength, justice, America and Lasagna.” Said Garfield with heart.

Garrus: This again? Already?

“I respect culture I will do the rites.”

Sem: This fic knows nothing of what it’s saying.

“Very good Garfield you are manly enough for the rite. You must go ahead into the arena and survive all challenges.” Said the Shaman with admiration.

Garfield and Grunt went into an area ready for heated challenges and challenging battles.

agig: Is that redundant?

*Alarms blare as DRD ships appear*

agig: I guess so. *Moves to suit up before Dakota sends a message over open comms*

Dakota: Attention DRD ships. That not count. Check article 3553587 of the handbook!

*The DRD ships leave and Dakota closes the channel*

“Look Garfield there are wolves.” Said Grunt with concern.

“I never met a wolf I did not like to slam.” Said Garfield wittily as he took the wolves and slammed them one on one like lightweight footballs.

After shattering wolves like glass, Garfield and Grunt heard loud earthquake sound. It was the Thrasher Maw!

“Haha Garfield I see you beaten my wolves but can you best me with mighty muscle?” Challenged the Thrasher Maw with high self esteem.

Garrus: Not sure what a thrasher maw is, but a Thresher Maw

Urdnot_ruins_-_gruntpocalypse_now

is hardly sentient.

“I take on all!” Roared Garfield with a bellyful of courage.

“We will see who is true manliness!” Said the Thrasher Maw as he faced down Garfield in showdown stance.

Dakota: *Sighs* I bet Garfield. Anyone bet on the Thresher Maw?

Everyone in the room: No.

Garfield and thrasher maw circled each other with battlefield legs eyeing each other like doves ready for combats. Suddenly the Thrasher Maw pulled out his flamerthrower

*Everyone in the room stares, dumbfounded, at the fic*

and began spraying flames of ambition at Garfield.

Dakota: I’m not sure the author knows what ambition means.

agig: I’m not sure the author knows what anything means.

“Haha Garfield the Tempreature is rising in celsius, I hope you are not getting too hot for your fur!” Mocked the Thrasher maw with defiant grin.

“Ahggaaga!” Cried out Garfield as his fur singed in hotness.

Agent [REDACTED]: Did he just regress to the state of newborn due to the flames?

“You will be cat stew on my turkey dinner!” roared the Thrasher Maw with evil snickers.

Sem: *Brutally murders author several times*

“Here have knuckle sandwhich instead but do not be choking on the bone!” Said Garfield with cool style

(That was about as cool as Goddess’ jokes are funny. -Monitor)

as he jumped at the Thrasher Maw and punched him with the force of runaway speed train.

“Nooo why meeee.” Cried the Thrasher Maw as he was punched in two with manly force.

Sem: I can cut someone in half with my arms as well. *Brandishes claws*

After beating the evil Thrasher Maw with mind and body, Garfield and Grunt returned to Krogan camp to receive praise.

“Congratulations Garfield you beat the Thrasher Maw, you are now honorary king of the Krogan.” Said the Krogan leader.

Garrus: That’s not even remotely how it works.

“Yes thank you Garfield, now I am no longer in puberty and can control my emotions.” Said Grunt the team Krogan.

“It is no problem I needed good work out.” Said Garfield with thumbs up.

With these wise words Garfield and crew returned to Normany. Garfield however had to head to med lab for check ups since he was burned.

“Your fur is burned but you should be ok.” Said Dr. Chackwas with relief.

“Are you sure, would like closer examination?” Said Garfield with sass.

“Yes maybe a more indepth check up is needed.” Said Dr. Chackwas with flirty smile.

agig: Fuck this. I’m out. *Leaves*

“Perhaps you need a check up, doctor, maybe you need to take off your clothes just in case there are lice in your pants.” Said Garfield with romance.

Sem: I need to go check on Jiwe. I promised I’d babysit him. *Leaves*

“Oh Garfield you make me feel like school girl in love.” Said Dr. Chackwas with love sick eyes.

“Hey I like professionals and you are one professional babe.” Said Garfield with glimmer in the eyes.

Dakota: I have to go do paperwork. Bye. *Leaves*

“Garfield I have been seeing you from the distance but too afraid to speak, but I need you now in the moment of danger. Will you have me?” Said Dr. Chackwas with heartfelt love.

“Yes my medical equipment is ready right now.” Said Garfield slyly as they embraced and made lovings on the lab tables all night long with medical precision.

To be continued…

Garrus: I’d stay here to riff the next chapter, but all Agents are needed.

Agent [REDACTED]: Yes. Uh, there’s an Agency training session.

*They both leave*

(Sent the transcript, now I’m going to erase my memories of this. Bye. -Monitor)

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7 Comments on “1304: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Three”

  1. "Lyle" says:

    Well, that took a turn I wasn’t expecting. Based on the previous chapters’ formula, Garfield was supposed to end the fic by having copious amounts of sex with the main secondary character introduced in the chapter. If that happened, he’d have spent the last few paragraphs seducing Grunt with romance and making the love all night love.

  2. Chatika vas Paus says:

    *curls up on the ground* what even is this?!?

    • "Lyle" says:

      Thankfully, a trollfic. Only my knowledge that the author wrote it to be this horrible makes me find it oddly endearing. Otherwise, “a hot mess” would be accurate to describe this atrocity.

      Welcome to the Library!

  3. TacoMagic says:

    Garfield and thrasher maw circled each other with battlefield legs eyeing each other like doves ready for combats. Suddenly the Thrasher Maw pulled out his flamerthrower

    Um… wha?


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