1299: My Little Unicorn-Magic is Believing – Chapter 2Posted: January 12, 2016
Title: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Erttheking
Nora: *Snort* HA!
Ert: What’s up?
Nora: If you Google My Little Unicorn, this fic is only the third result. The first two are links to the Binding of Issac wiki.
Nora: And get this. We can’t find the date for the original posting of My Little Unicorn on fanfiction.net, but on FIM.net it was posted, at the earliest, during 2012. The Binding of Issac came out in 2011. So Mykan, unless he reposted MLU two years later, came up with a title that’s doubly unoriginal.
Ert: There isn’t enough wa-wa-waaaaaaah music in the world for this. Anyway, when we left off, the evil wizard Titan popped up out of nowhere (not like Nightmare Moon at all) and was doing his thing.
With his raging fury,
Cornelia: As opposed to raging tranquility. Also he was cackling last time, why is he so pissed?
Titan began to capture unicorns, and imprison them. Some tried to fight him only to wind up being captured as well. “Easy pickings!” laughed Titan.
Nora: Man the Unicorns kind of suck. I hope the author isn’t going to try and portray them as competent after getting knocked on their asses twice by this clown Titan.
Before long, the library was a complete and total mess. Bookshelves were knocked down; books scattered all over the floor along with the broken glass and ruined party supplies. A; the other unicorns began to run in panic, much to Titan’s amusement.
Ert: They only started to panic after he captured what I assume are quite a few unicorns? Little slow on the uptake, these guys.
Lightning was furious! “What are you going to do with those captured unicorns?” he demanded to know.
Nora: The Grand Ruler knew that Titan was still alive right? Did he really think it was a good idea to let people forget what his deal was?
“I will extract their magic and add it to my own power to get stronger.” answered Titan “Power is the only way to live, after all. Hmm, mm, mm…!”
Ert: Wait. Is Mykan secretly Titan? I mean he’s the one that says he gets his power from hate and the like.
A blaze of furry sparked inside Lightning and he charged straight at the evil sorcerer. “Lightning…No!” cried Starla.
Ert: *Munches on popcorn* Lightning yes!
Titan just raised his hand and fired a small ball of energy that nearly Lightning, but the force it made on impact was enough to knock him back. “Lightning!” cried Krysta as she fluttered over to him.
Cornelia: That went about as well as we expected.
“Fool…!” snarled Titan “You are as foolish as you are powerless. Your efforts are futile, and the power of all Unicornicopia… will be MINE!” He laughed maliciously as his vanished into the darkness from whence he came, taking all the unicorns he had captured with him.
Lightning angrily pounded the floor with his hove in frustration.
Nora: So how many unicorns did he actually capture? Because the way the story is worded it could be anywhere between five-hundred and three.
Penny and her team arrived to treat anyone who was hurt.
The library was still in a mess, until a green unicorn, wearing square glasses, the code GU6I, and spoke in an English accent arrive. “Mmm… I say!” he said “What’s happened…?”
Inquerius approached him “Can you not tell…?” she asked “Did you not feel the danger?”
“Didn’t we all?” added Lightning.
The green unicorn admitted that he did calculate the tremors, “But… I wouldn’t have believed it possible that Titan has… mmm… eh… returned as it were.”
Ert: And this one guy actually knows who he is? Man, the author couldn’t get beyond chapter 2 without blowing holes in the continuity he himself created could he?
“Well that’s fine and dandy, whoever you are.” said Lightning “But it doesn’t help find where he’s gone or where he’s taken the unicorns he took.”
“Lightning…!” snapped Starla.
Nora: It was supposed to help? Who said that? The guy was just making an observation.
The green unicorn kept his cool. “My name, good sir, is Brain, and as soon as I knew there was trouble I began to… eh… make my calculations, and confirm my theories, and I have come to tell you that, I just may know where Titan has gone.”
Everyone’s ears perked up, and Penny told them to run along. “I can look after things here.”
Cornelia: What’s she going to do? Tidy up? Titan seemed like he was either capturing unicorns or doing nothing. There aren’t exactly many wounded. Even when he blasted Lightning he just knocked him back.
“Thank you, Doctor.” said Brain. “Come along, everyone.”
Lightning Starla and Krysta followed brain to his home, a massive workshop and laboratory, and that pretty much confirmed that Brain was a regular genius and scientific inventor. “Please do not touch anything.” He warned the others “One little accident could cause massive trouble.”
Goeth: Then don’t leave all of your doomsday devices out in the open, you hack. Aside from the ones you intentionally want to go off and kill stupid trespassers. Oh the fun you can have with that old trick.
The others gulped hard, and Brain then sat himself down at a strange contraption that seemed to be heating water. Brain sniffed the steam. “Ahh…! Satisfactory…” he sighed “Most satisfactory.”
Nora: This boiled water was…boiled just right?
“What… what is that?” asked Krysta “Is it a device that lets you find Titan? Something that can beat him or get the unicorns back…?”
“What? Oh, don’t be silly…” said Brain “This device is merely used to make me a cup of tea. I’ve finally perfected it you know.”
Ert: It almost sounds like Mykan is trying to make his character sound smart for inventing something that, for all intents and purposes, sounds like a kettle.
“A cup of tea…?” Starla asked. She sounded most annoyed “I thought you said you knew where Titan had gone?” added Lightning.
“But I do…” snapped Brain. He cleared his throat “Begging your pardon. If you will just hand me that map over there…”
Cornelia: I guess he just got distracted because “Quirky” and not taking mass kidnappings seriously.
Krysta used her magic to levitate the map to Brain. “Thank you.”
Brain unfolded the map, and consulted his notes. “Mm… let me see.”
Neither of the others could understand his calculating one bit, but in the end, “Ah, ha! Satisfactory…! Most satisfactory…”
Ert: Christ, that’s going to be Brain’s catchphrase isn’t it? Because when in doubt, just have your character hammer in the same phrase in an attempt to create a substitute for personality. Or is pausing every three seconds his catchphrase?
“What is it?” asked Lightning.
Brain explained that the only place Titan could have taken the captured unicorns would be to Blacktop Mountain, which was located on the other side of Violet Swamp.
Nora: What’s the deductive reasoning behind this? How do you even know that he’s in the same country? Wouldn’t the logical conclusion be that he took them back to his own personal dimension? You know? His base of operations? Nah, forget that, the “smart” characters knows Titan is in a random spot because “smart.”
“Then that’s where we should be heading.” Lightning suggested.
“Oh, good heavens, no!” snapped Brain “You know it’s dangerous to be wandering through the swamp at night? And I would strongly suggest against flying over it, for fear of being spotted by the enemy.”
Cornelia: So they can’t wander through it at night, nor fly over it. Question. Why can’t they fly over it at night? Winged horses aren’t exactly jumbo jets. Or how about this. Fly. AROUND!
“He’s got a point.” said Krysta.
Ert: Because a main character being wrong is beyond Mykan’s writing ability.
“We have to do something.” snapped Lightning “We can’t just let that monster drain the magic away and hurt the unicorns.”
Krysta felt Lightning was right, but wasn’t too keen about entering a dark and scary swamp in the dark of the night.
Nora: Question. Why aren’t they going through the proper channels about this? I mean it’s not like Friendship is Magic where they all turn out to be the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, they’re random yahoos. Hell, the Grand Ruler was the only one who could defeat Titan the last time (sounds more and more like a Big Brother propaganda story the more I think about it) so why aren’t you getting him on the phone? Right, Lightning is protagonist, he must be hero.
Starla tried to talk Lightning out of it, especially since she knew Lightning would be in real danger as he had no magic to even light his way, let alone overcome any dangers.
Ert: And he’s going in anyway because he’s stupid like that.
(Gary Stu Counter: 7)
Lightning could see that no one was willing to cooperate with him. “I guess I have no choice. I’m going alone!” he snapped as he dashed out of the lab. “Lightning…!” cried Krysta!
“Oh, dear!” cried Brain.
They all ran to the door but Lightning had already taken off through the air. “Poor creature.” said Brain “I fear he doesn’t realize what he’s getting himself into.”
Nora: What’s the plan exactly? Charge in and smack into Titan until he gives up? Or activate his last-minute Gary-Stu partners? It’s the second one isn’t it?
On Black-Top Mountain, inside and old abandoned shrine-Titan had placed all the unicorns he had captured in magical bubbles which would slowly drain them of their magic and transfer it to his powers. He sniggered wickedly as he watched the energy flow in streams into a giant sphere in the center of the shrine that he would soon absorb. “Wonderful…!”
Goeth: He’s storing the energy he’s absorbing elsewhere and not directing it directly into his body? Amateur.
“Minions…! Come to me!” he then called.
Dark shadows on the floor seemed to gather all in one place and take on the shape a shadowy, dark unicorn. “Mysterious at your service, my lord, Titan…”
Ert: Well, you only said that they “seemed” to do that, so I choose to ignore this entire sentence. After all the author didn’t say it happened, just that it looked like it happened. Also Mysterious? Wow, we’re being reduced to Smurfs levels of one-dimensional naming here.
Another evil unicorn standing upright on his hind-legs and holding a scythe appeared. “Rep-Stallion… at your command…”
Nora: Rep-Stallion? What, not “meanie” or “evil” or “Grim-Reaper expy?” What does that even mean? Is it one of those insufferable equestrian puns MLP fan fiction always has? Except it makes no sense?
Then a third one who resembled an evil version of Starla appeared “I am Dementia.”
Cornelia: Is there any rhyme or reason to these names? Also I’m pretty sure Titan knows your name lady.
Nora: “Evil version of Starla.” When in doubt, don’t care.
Titan had created his own band of unicorns to serve as his henchmen. After all, taking over the world was one thing, but even he needed help sometimes. “Have you completed your instructions…?” Titan asked.
The minions bowed. “Even as we speak, master.” said Mysterious “We have laid traps and net our own creatures all over the swamp and the mountain trail.”
Ert: We’ll be fine so long as none of our enemies can fly! Like the entire unicorn population!
Re-Stallion sniggered as he stroked the blade of his scythe. “Anyone who dares to come our way shall meet their eternal reward.”
Nora: Is it Rep-Stallion or Re-Stallion? You gotta pick one.
This pleased Titan, but he warned his minions not to take the unicorns lightly. “They are still capable of many things. I should know this.”
Cornelia: You should, but the way you word it implies otherwise.
Dementia suddenly felt a disturbance in the force. “Someone is approaching the swamp.” she said.
Ert: Disturbance in the force. Wat? Are you a freaking Jedi now? Or is this more of Mykan’s “clever” writing. In that he has to rip off more than one source material to create a story.
Titan snapped his fingers and conjured images of what was happening. “Why it’s that annoying little fool who tried to stand up to me before.”
Nora: He has fingers? So is he Human or something?
The minions were told of Lightning and how he couldn’t do magic and decided he was no big threat, but Titan begged to differ. He knew The Grand Ruler chose Lightning to be his apprentice, but exactly why was a mystery, even to him.
Cornelia: He’s pretty stupid isn’t he?
“Let’s see how well he can brave everything. Heh, heh, heh…!”
Lightning made it to the starting point of Violet Swamp, and Brain wasn’t kidding- it really did seem dark and creepy at night.
Ert: Waiting until the morning was out of the question huh? And bringing a LANTERN was out of the question too I see. This is gonna be a character that never thinks anything through and everything goes his way isn’t it?
Just gaze through the thickets and brambles was enough to send chills up one’s spine. Still, Lightning has come this far, he wasn’t willing to turn back now.
Cornelia: Come this far? You haven’t actually done anything yet. Enough with the false drama.
“I can do this. I will do this!” he kept saying. Then he took one step forwards, crushing a twig with his hove followed by all kinds of screeches and noises from within the swamp. “I’m going to die!” nevertheless, in he went!
Nora: Oh we all know that you’re too speshul to die.
It was hard to see when there wasn’t so much light,
Ert: I don’t think we could’ve made that jump on our own Mykan. Thank you for informing your dumb audience with your smart person head.
but at least it wasn’t so pitch dark you couldn’t see anything.
Cornelia: So it’s dark but not really. Gotcha.
Lightning figured the best way to traverse the swamp was just to keep going forward.
Ert: But the path goes to the right.
He wouldn’t dare for fear of Titan being ready for that, and the fact that there was no room from him to flap his wings for takeoff.
Jagged rocks, and fallen logs seemed to trip him everywhere he stepped, he even ruined his boots on his hind legs by stepping in mud, and decided to continue on all fours.
Ert: Why is a unicorn wearing boots? I mean they only ever wore clothes half of the time in Friendship is Magic, you gotta establish it if they wear clothes full time in your crappy little AU/not really AU apparently but we’re still calling it that.
Suddenly, Lightning turned and thought he saw a monster, but it was only a tree in the shape of a monster. He saw a scary claw, which was actually just a long branch. Lightning took in a deep breath and counted to ten, then again, and felt better… until he heard the sound of footsteps coming towards him. Quivering in fear, he ducked down, and peeped, “Who’s there…?”
Nora: In other words “Lightning thought he was in trouble but wasn’t.” Whew. TENSE SCENE!
The bushes shook and twigs snapped, but then a friendly voice called. “Lightning…? It’s okay… it’s just me.”
Lightning peeked up, “K-K-K
… Krysta…? What are you doing here? I thought…”
Ert: Ah. Well if Mykan meant it the other way would you be surprised?
Krysta couldn’t let her friend do this alone, and that was why she brought some help. That was when several of the others, Buddy Rose, Artie, Rhymey, Brain, and even Starla, came out from the branches, all holding lanterns and flashlights.
Cornelia: Glad some people didn’t use their brains to stuff their testicles.
Each and everyone one of them admitted that they, too, weren’t willing to let Titan get away with what he did, and all offered to help Lightning stop him. “You’d really all does that… for me?” asked Lightning.
Nora: What makes you think this is for you? Everyone is going to want to stop Titan. But no, it’s all about you.
(Gary Stu Counter: 8)
Buddy Rose spoke on everyone’s behalf when he said. “That’s what friends are for. It’s one for all and all for one.”
The others all agreed and put their hooves together, all saying “It’s one for all, and all for one…!”
“…And we won’t quit ’till our task is done.” added Rhymey.
Ert: Ripping off the Three Musketeers huh? Let’s start a rip off counter. Not the things ripped off from MLP because we’d be here all freaking day. Let’s just count the various works that are ripped off. We got the Three Musketeers, Star Wars, and of course MLP.
(Unoriginality Counter: 3)
Nora: I wonder how many people know there were actually four main characters in that story.
Lightning felt touched, and place his hove in with everyone else’s, and then they all set off together. Rhymey even decided to make things easier. Horn glowed, and he shouted, “WARD SWORD!” causing a small blade to materialize so he could cut and hack away at all the brambles and thickets, making a clear path through.
Cornelia: That’s not a rhyme.
“Follow me this way…
Hurry now! Don’t delay.”
Cornelia: Why even bother with the gimmick? It’s not like it’s endearing the way it was with Zecora.
Everyone followed quickly, because all the things that Rhymey had hacked seemed to grow back almost instantly, much to Lightning’ fear.
Ert: Lightning seems terrified of absolutely everything. I understand being intimidated by something like this, but it isn’t behavior befitting someone who runs off into dangerous situations without thinking.
The others seemed to know their way around the swamp better than Lightning did, but still. Even though they were all together, they all felt equally as scared, especially when they ran into a real and gigantic tree monster. “A dog-wood!” cried Buddy Rose. “Everybody, run…!”
Nora: A dog’s WHAT!? Also, was this story out when the episode with the timber-wolves aired?
Goeth: One second. *Types* They were introduced January 7th, 2012. Like we said, we can’t get an EXACT date for when this fic was published, but this puts it pretty damn close. At the very least, the re-post was put up after they were introduced on February 8th 2012. I guess it depends on whether or not you think Mykan could bang this story out in a month then throw a tantrum to re-post it. Too close to call.
The monstrous creature lunged at the unicorns. It wasn’t very fast, but very fierce and nasty. “What is that thing?” asked Lightning, and Buddy explained it was a creature called a Dog-Wood,
Ert: A dog-wood!
Nora: What is it?
Ert: A dog-wood! Which sounds like a horrifically bad innuendo!
“And believe me, its bark isn’t nearly as bad as its bite.”
Cornelia: Not funny. At all.
Brain couldn’t understand what a Dog-Wood would be doing in the swamp when there hadn’t been any known or seen around for centuries. “I fear that this is the work of our enemy.”
Ert: Maybe establish what a dog-wood is before you note how weird it is that one showed up. You gotta establish expectations before you can subvert them.
“Tell us something we couldn’t already figure out…” snapped Lightning “… like how to get past it!”
Nora: Lightning seems to always be snapping at people for not doing something productive despite the fact that he’s horribly unproductive. Charming.
(Gary Stu Counter: 9)
“I have an idea…!” said Artie, and he skidded to a halt and turned round to face the oncoming monster. “What are you doing…?” cried Krysta. Artie just stood his ground. “PAINT BLOBS!” and at the shout of his voice, he opened his mouth wide sending a swarm of paint blobs at the monster, a coupe le of which splattered on his eyes, blinding him.
Ert: Well. I guess he can do that. And his magic, which is related to his special talent, is essentially on par with kicking dirt into someone’s eyes. Also it’s a DOG-wood. Can’t it hear and smell you?
“Hurry, before he can see again!” he shouted, and everyone followed him, running right past the monster and as far away as they could canter.
Cornelia: Canter? Oh right they’re four legged. Except for when Mykan wants them to walk on their hind legs for some reason. Possibly because of racism. “Four legs good but two legs better,” and all that.
There were more monsters and more traps along the way through the swamp, but each of the other unicorns used their powers to outwit or make it past all the tricks, and finding their way through the swamp.
“What a nightmare!” Buddy cried.
Ert: I know! The plot doesn’t make any sense, the characters are flat and there’s no tension.
Lightning didn’t understand why everyone used magic though. “I thought you never used magic…?”
The others explained that that wasn’t true…
Unicornicopian’s were different than ordinary unicorns that were known.
Nora: Does Lightning know anything? Like is there a single piece of information that he doesn’t need to have crammed down his throat via exposition? The Grand Ruler really did pick the dumbest sack of shit on the block to be his apprentice. Celestia picked Twilight to be her apprentice because Twilight was gifted with magic ever since she was young. Here? MANE CHARACHTER!
Their basic powers were used for battle, and could be used offensively, defensively. Some unicorns only had healing magic, Like Penny at the hospital, and some powers were used for quick wits.
Cornelia: And despite all this Titan still wiped the floor with them.
The bottom line was: their magic was only to be used in times of dire emergencies, by order of the Grand Ruler. This was why in their daily lives they didn’t use magic to help them in most of their tasks, and did things naturally.
Ert: And he did this why? To make his people more special? Or is it to make it clear that he’s an authoritarian dictator?
“Wow! Talk about powerful!” exclaimed Lightning. For a brief moment he almost felt okay not to have magic.
Nora: He feels good to not have magic when he’s talking about how powerful everyone else is? These two sentences don’t connect. At all. And he shot paint in someone’s eye, not exactly “powerful.” Also see above on how Titan still kicked their asses.
Still, their mission was not over yet. They made it through the swamp, but now before them was the starting trail of Blacktop Mountain, and it looked even more eerie than the swamp, sending chills up everyone’s spines.
Cornelia: They’re through the swamp already? There was one wooden dog that didn’t really do that much. I’m underwhelmed by the Everfree Forest – I mean the Violet Swamp.
Still, they all climbed, and resisted the urge to fly up the mountain, not knowing what traps lay ahead.
Ert: Walk up the mountain, don’t fly, because of traps? Wouldn’t ground-based traps be easier to set up? I mean you only faced ONE trap. That and annoying foliage.
Not only we’re there more monsters along the way, but booby traps as well- Things like hidden pits, rock slides, falling boulders. Even scary shadows, which only turned out to be the shadows of the gang all huddled against the mountainside.
Nora: So the traps faced have been pits, falling rocks and falling rocks again. All of which could’ve been avoided if they were FLYING! So yeah, they’re all stupid.
Lightning took a deep breath and counted to ten again. “What are you doing, Lightning?” asked Krysta.
Ert: I don’t know! You didn’t establish it!
Lightning hated to admit it, but he was rather scared, but then everyone else admitted that they were frightened too. “Well, The Grand Ruler once taught me that everyone was afraid of something and that whenever I feel afraid or nervous, I should just take a deep breath, and count to ten.”
Nora: What did he tell you after you graduated preschool?
Rhymey thought that was a great idea,
Cornelia: Yeah well it’s Rhymey. His personality is that he rhymes. Sometimes.
“Hey! A thought just occurs to me,
Why don’t we try it musically?
Ert: Because that’s stupid.
It often helps to sing a song,
And it will help stay brave and headstrong.”
Cornelia: I think my eyes are bleeding from reading that rhyme. That’s the problem with rhymes. Unskilled writers so often go with rhymes that are utterly forced.
Just then, a loud noise scared everyone, and they all agreed to go for the song…
“Well, perhaps you shall sing the words, Lightning.” stuttered Brain, “It is something you were taught.”
Lightning agreed, “Let’s just do it before something else happens, but just as music started to fill the air, the gang spotted another shadow that didn’t belong to them, and they all took off high up the mountain dodging all the dangers and traps that came their way.
(Shining Time Station: “Everyone’s Afraid of Something”)
Ert: No, fuck off. I got better things to do than deal with your half assed characters singing, Mykan.
Nora: Yeah, there’s a song, but we’re not dealing with it. Also Shining Time Station is a kids show from the ’80s. Pardon me for a second. *Falls under the table laughing*
(Unoriginality Counter: 4)
Cornelia: This is why Mykan gets a reputation as a man-child.
All through the song, they met more and more monsters, shadows, traps, but by the time they were done, they reached the top of the mountain. “We made it!” cried Artie.
Ert: Good thing that song didn’t distract us. Also apparently the shadows that didn’t do anything were a big concern.
“No, not yet we haven’t.” said Starla. “We still have to find the other unicorns.”
Nora: You still made it to the top Ms. Contradictory.
“Uh… begging everyone’s pardon.” said Brain, “But perhaps they are… ahem… in there?” He motioned up ahead at the shrine ahead as a flash of lightning and booming of thunder made everyone jump.
Cornelia: You ever notice that these people are jumping at freaking everything? I mean they’ve been jumping at shadows for the love of God, that’s one step away from actually jumping at your own shadow.
Lightning recognized it from his studies. It was an old abandoned shrine that The Grand Ruler once used for times of meditation and to channel his magic, but it was no surprise that Titan was in there, and obviously waiting for them.
Ert: Actually it is a surprise that he would set up shop in a place controlled by his arch nemesis. Everything doesn’t just make sense because you say it does.
“D-Do you think it’s okay,
Gulp! To go in that way?” asked Rhymey
Ert: Did Rhymey just say “Gulp” out loud? Also what kind of a stupid question is that?
“We have too.” said Lightning “We didn’t come all this way to just turn back now.”
They all quietly walked through the open doors. Krysta hid in under Lightning’s wing, shaking in fear. “Oh my!” whimpered Brain. “Perhaps we should… eh… call out? Announce our presence? Eh… what should we say?”
Nora: How about “We’re over here, please direct any and all attacks in this direction. Hur-dur-dur, we not very smart.”
“How about… come and get us?” suggested Lightning. That was when the doors slammed shut behind, and everything went pitch black. Everyone else screamed all at once. “…Although a bloodcurdling scream is just as good.” replied Lightning.
Cornelia: They’re talking about screaming something as they go in like it’s something they NEED to do. Is stealth not an option? It sounds like the traps that were set up were automatic, Titan doesn’t necessarily know that they’re at his base yet.
That’s when a torch on the wall lit with fire. Then another torch lit, and another, and another, all the way around the shrine. “Look!” cried Starla.
Ert: This is a really ineffective way of lightning the shrine! Everyone look at how slow it is!
It was the Unicorns, all sleeping inside magic bubbles. They didn’t seem to be harmed, yet when the gang approached the bubbles; they found they couldn’t touch them. Their hooves just passed right through them. “Curious! Most curious…” muttered Brain.
Krysta realized, “These are illusions!” That’s when all the bubbles vanished instantly, and sounds of laughter echoed throughout the shrine.
Cornelia: I guess it’s one of those illusions that disappear the second someone says that they’re illusions. Uh. To throw the enemy off?
That’s when Titan’s minions appeared. “Well, hello there…!” hissed Mysterious. Rep-Stallion and Dementia snickered cheekily.
Ert: “Snickered cheekily.” Ok I’m committing that phrase to memory and finding a way to actually make it work.
“Who are you?” snapped Buddy Rose “And what have you done with the unicorns.”
“They are quite safe… for the moment.” said Rep-Stallion.
“And if you behave nicely, we just might make your fate less painful than theirs.” added Dementia.
Nora: Well here’s well written dialogue, it says “We evil, we evil, we evil,” over and over again. Truly we have gained a deep understanding of these people and why they serve Titan.
The gang was starting to tell that these creeps were going to give them no end of trouble. “Don’t get any ideas!” snapped Artie. “When The Grand Ruler finds out…”
Ert: WHEN!? You mean he doesn’t know yet? ARE YOU ALL STUPID!? The Grand Ruler was the one who defeated Titan the last time! Why wasn’t going to him your FIRST response to this mess? It was so that Lightning could be a hero, isn’t it.
“Big deal…” hissed Rep-Stallion. “We can beat his magic with one hove- Well, maybe two.”
Cornelia: Villains boasting that they’re far more powerful than they actually are, being nothing but pure evil, having evil sounding names, oh just tie someone to a train track already.
The unicorns stood upright on their hind legs. Rhymey held his sword tightly.
Nora: With his hands that may or may not exist?
Lightning, however, wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t have any magic to use, so at best, he and Krysta ducked behind a column and watched as the others began to brawl!
Ert: He ducks out of the fight because he can’t use magic…when they’re brawling. Indicating a LACK of magic. Lightning the coward! This doesn’t even make sense. He rushed Titan himself last chapter, how come he doesn’t want to take his chances with Titan’s minion when he and his friends outnumber them two to one?
Artie and Buddy Rose went after Mysterious. “Let’s get him!” shouted Buddy, and the boys charged at their enemy only to end up passing right through him.
“Hm, mm, mm…! You missed me.” Mysterious mocked at them. The boys tried again only to repeat what happened. Then suddenly they realized. Mysterious was no ordinary unicorn, he was a shadow. He was made of actual darkness, like air.
Ert: Darkness = air. Apparently. Anyone want to tell Mykan that air is matter while darkness is simply the absence of light? Also they didn’t notice this before because Mykan wanted to show off what his quirky mini-boss squad could do.
“You can’t touch me…” hissed Mysterious as he ran past the boys, striking them with his horn. “… but I can touch you!”
Nora: Because bullshit.
Even with their armor on, Buddy and Artie felt this would be harder than they thought.
Cornelia: And odd statement, like them wearing armor is somehow supposed to make fighting a non-corporal being easier and it’s a shocking turn of events that it isn’t this time.
The others weren’t having much luck either, as Rhymey and Rep-Stallion went at it with their weapons. Rep-Stallion was very skilled in wielding his scythe, but he was rather impressed by Rhymey’s swordplay. “I must say, you are rather good…”
“I have practiced for long… like anyone should.” answered Rhymey.
Ert: Long and should don’t rhyme you twat.
Rep-Stallion sniggered, and then pulled a cheap magic attack, “SCYTHE SHOCK!” and his scythe began to spark with electricity that gave Rhymey a jolt. “Ah…!”
“I’ve had enough…
It’s time to get tough!”
He spread his wings out and shouted, “DRILL QUILL!” sending a swarm of sharp quill feathers form his wings at his enemy. Rep-Stallion leapt out of the way, and was now more impressed than ever.
Nora: So what’s with all of the anime style attack calling here? Is this an improvement by Mykan? Is that something that would’ve made MLP better? Rainbow Dash screaming “Hurricane blast” or something?
Meanwhile, Dementia had Brain cornered, and poor Brain was a unicorn who didn’t have magic used for battle, but rather observation and quick wits. “I say! Can we not talk about this?”
Dementia just laughed “You’re kidding, right?”
Ert: Another person that should’ve been left behind, along with Lightning. What were those two planning on doing when they got here? Wishing upon a star?
“Oh, dear…!” whimpered Brain. Dementia was about to strike him, when…
“STAR SHOWER…!” Starla sent a wave of small star-bolts straight at Dementia, nearly ruffling her mane and Dementia did not like it when someone tried to spoil her looks!
Ert: So Dementia finally gets some personality. And it’s a stereotypical vain minion. Goody goody. It’s Rarity if she was boiled down to one personality trait.
She turned and glared furiously at Starla. “Oh…! Ye who messes my mane WILL PAY!” she shouted and charged at Starla with all her might.
Nora: I BROKE A NAIL!
Dementia also demonstrated her ability to warp the fields around her to negate attacks. Her moves were basically defensive as she didn’t like spoiling her looks. “Like they say… a good offense is a strong defense!”
Cornelia: Five things. One, establish there being fields around her before saying she can manipulate them. Two, you already established her one personality trait. Three, she’s using magic and can attack from a distance without putting her body at risk. Four, she was going to “strike” Brain before so this whole defense only policy makes no sense. Finally, the good defense comment doesn’t make any sense for her to just blurt out.
Nora: And the only two women present fight each other. Go figure.
Starla didn’t care, but as the fight was about to continue, Titan appeared and called his minions off. “That’s enough.” he said with an evil snicker. “You have done well, my minions. Return to the castle.”
Ert: The castle in the other dimension? Why doesn’t he have all this crap going on there?
The minions, though disappointed as they were having so much fun, obeyed their master and vanished into thin air.
Cornelia: The one who was throwing a fit was having fun? I don’t see it.
Lightning and Krysta peeked from behind the column. “Oh, no…!” Lightning whispered.
“What do you want…?” growled Buddy Rose “Give us back the unicorns.”
Nora: Well I want-ok rude!
“Never!” scoffed Titan “But if you insist on seeing them again, I’ll be glad to let you join them!” and he fired a stream of magic at the unicorns, most of them dodged, but Brain got hit. “Oh… my…!” he cried and he was trapped in a magic holding-bubble.
Ert: No! One of the two useless ones! And he’s making a George Takei reference for some reason.
(Unoriginality Counter: 5)
“Let’s get him!” shouted Artie! and everyone fire their best attacks all at once…
“PTEAL DANCE…!” A swarm of razor sharp leaves…
“PAINT BOMB…!” Artie fired blobs of paint, but these were explosive kinds.
Nora: Explosive paint? I think that stopped being paint somewhere along the lines, as you can’t really paint a wall or make a drawing with something that exploded, regardless of what Goeth says.
Goeth: IT’S A WORK IN PROGRESS!
Cornelia: Seriously, do the attacks not work if you don’t scream it at the top of your lungs? Are they verbally activated? Can you whisper them? If you say the name in casual conversation do you activate the attack anyway?
Titan got hit, but it didn’t look as if he was even fazed. “Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…! Fools!” he scoffed and, one by one, he trapped each of them in more bubbles, ready to drain their magic.
Ert: Foolish fools of foolish foolishness!
Lightning and Krysta were horrified. “What are we going to do?” cried Krysta. Lightning was so livid to see his new friends being tortured and harmed as Titan began to absorb their energy, but then he leapt right out and shouted, “LEAVE THEM ALONE…!”
Nora: I’ve been sitting her in the corner shitting myself up until now, but now I’m going to be a hero now that it’s clear no one else can do it for me!
Titan turned to face him. For a moment, nothing happened, and then Titan just fired a small projectile which knocked Lightning down. Krysta screamed, and Lightning scoffed him. “Stay out of my way, weakling! I don’t know why The Grand Ruler chose you to be his student, but I’d say he made a poor choice.”
Ert: I’m with Titan here, Lightning is pretty pathetic.
Those words made Lightning find his second wind and stand upright. “Never say anything like that about my mentor again!”
Nora: That insult was directed at YOU buddy.
and he charged towards Titan roaring like a monster, but Titan just blasted him again, harder this time. “Lightning!” cried Krysta.
Cornelia: Can the fairy actually do anything? Or is it a glorified noise box with wings?
Lightning kept on getting up, and titan continuously blasted him back. Each time was more forceful than the last. Lightning was starting to slow down and feel weak. Titan laughed hard and evilly and continued to mock at him, “And you call yourself a unicorn?”
Nora: Also, why are you not dead? Is it because protagonist-related bullshit or am I supposed to just be fucking with you?
Ert: Either way.
(Gary Stu Counter: 10)
Lightning actually felt Titan was right. He was no unicorn. What kind of a unicorn couldn’t do magic, or save his friends, or worse… keep his promise. Titan decided, “Well then… allow me to put you out of your misery!” He began to power up for a really big blast…
“LIGHTNING…!” screamed Krysta. The others all pounded on their bubbles trying to break free and help their friend.
Ert: I’ll give Mykan credit. He created an annoying sidekick whose voice makes my ears bleed. IN A WRITTEN WORK! I guess it’s testimony to how shit his writing is.
However, Lightning remembered something The Grand Ruler told him… “Always remember… to believe!”
Nora: IN SOMETHING THAT IS NEVER SPECIFIED!
For the first time, Lightning was starting to realize what that meant. “I believe!” he said as he began to stand up, much to Titans confusion. “What…?”
Ert: You believe in our lord and savior Yog-Soggoth?
Lightning kept concentrating. “Magic or no magic… I can do this. I believe…! I Believe…!” he stood proud and tall and shouted, “I BELIEVE…!”
Nora: Protagonist powers activate! Make me not worthless anymore! It’s good dramatic timing for someone who has never written a story before!
His golden horn began to glow with a mystical light, and Lightning, who was bathed in a tube of golden light, he felt incredibly strong now. “That… that glow!” growled Titan “…Could it be?”
Ert: The ancient prophecy of the Dues Ex Machina? CAN IT BE! Well of course it is, the author left no feasible way for the characters here to actually beat Titan.
Krysta was amazed as she stared at Lightning. “Is that… what I think it is?” The other unicorns wondered the same thing, but Titan was not willing to let it be so. “So much for believing…!”
Cornelia: That statement made no sense. It would’ve fit more if Lightning screamed the believing shlock, charged in, and still got knocked on his ass.
he snarled as he continue to charge up, but Lightning stepped forward and stood on his hind legs with his horn and his front hooves glowing like crazy and said…
“Magic is believing…
Believing is right
I summon the magic,
In this mystical light…!”
Ert: So were these words that were taught to him or is he just making them up on the spot?
Titan roared loudly and fired his magic-stream, and Lightning shouted, “…UNIFORCE!” He fired a large and powerful golden force of extreme magic which met with Titan’s force sending it right back towards him. “AAH-Uh…? NO…!”
Nora: How do you define
Titan was hit and was actually stunned, and then he decided to retreat. “This isn’t the end, Lightning Dawn! I’ll be back!” and he was gone, and all the unicorns he had captured reappeared, and his friends were released from their bubbles… while outside, the dark clouds lifted as the evil vanished from the mountain and the swamp below.
Cornelia: Oh come on you giant wimp, you got hit once. ONCE! It didn’t even sound like it hurt that much. Just go back to knocking Lightning on the floor or use a spell that actually has some impact on him. Hell, call your minions back and dog pile him. But no, protagonist hits him once and he runs off to his mommy. For everything there, three dings on the counter.
(Gary Stu Counter: 13)
As for Lightning, he stopped glowing, and fell flat on the ground. “Ugh!” he groaned. He felt as if he had just blown up a giant. “What just happened?”
Everyone approached Lightning and cheered for him that he did it! He saved everyone. “I did…?” asked Lightning. “Hey, I did!”
Nora: I’m awesome!
Then, the doors to the shrine opened, as dawn began to break and the sun shined through, followed by a mystical glow and there he was- a handsome white stallion with a short dark mane with sparkling stars glittering. He wore golden armor with jewels encrusted into it, a red cape with gold markings fluttering on his back. Golden Pegasus wings, golden covers on his front hooves and black. Atop his head were three golden horns, one was full sized unicorn horn, and two small ones, one on each side.
The unicorns all bowed, and so did Krysta. “Grand Ruler…!” cried Lightning, “You’re here!”
Ert: We could’ve used you some time ago you gigantic asshole! Also golden wings? Yeah, good luck flying.
He ran over to greet his mentor, and The Grand Ruler was pleased to see everyone. “Lightning, my boy…I am pleased you and everyone are safe, and I am very proud of you.”
Cornelia: I guess he’s omnipresent, that’s the only way I can think of that explains how he knows the first thing about what Lightning did.
He explained why he took Lightning on as his apprentice was because Lightning had just used the Uniforce- the very same magic that he had used against Titan centuries ago. A magic so intense that only unicorns with rare golden horns would be able to tap into.
“Lightning… do you know how you were able to tap into this mystical force?”
Lightning shook his head. His mentor smiled, “In time you will in fact. You may not possess any other form of magic power, Lightning, but you do possess something greater than any form of magic there ever could be.”
Nora: So this is one of those disabilities that’s not really a disability huh?
Lightning looked up and asked. “What is that…?”
The Grand Ruler smiled. “You have heart, and courage.
Ert: Yeah, the guy that spent the majority of the fight hiding behind a pillar and was constantly snapping at everyone else has heart and courage. Let’s be honest, “you’re the protagonist” is the only reason he’s worth spit.
(Gary Stu Counter: 14)
These are forms of magic that we all possess, and they come from within you, not from artifacts and other sources. All you have to do is believe in your own inner-magic, and then… nothing will seem impossible.”
Nora: In other words, he just kinda can. And he couldn’t do any of this up until now because of a dramatic reveal that forgot to be dramatic or reveal anything.
The unicorns felt his words meant well, and they all promised to heed them, especially now that Titan had returned and would strike again. They would all need to do their best to keep the kingdom safe from his evil.
Cornelia: Clearly the Grand Rulder doesn’t intend to do diddly squat.
The Grand Ruler promised to keep his watch over everyone and everything. “I will always be there,
Ert: Except when you need me the most.
and so will the magic of believing. These things Titan will never hope to understand and overcome. I am proud of you all.” He bowed to his subjects and they all bowed back.
Then off they headed back to the villages.
A new chapter had just begun for Unicornicopia.
Now you get idea of how my characters are different.
Nora: Yeah, they’re a lot worse and don’t do jack.
See, I don’t believe “Friendship is Magic” At all. I think it’s a lie, and that is one reason I do not wish to get involved with much of FIM.
Ert: Anyone want to tell him that magic isn’t real? Or would it be like telling him Santa Clause isn’t real?
I make this fic so I don’t have to ever watch FIM, get mixed up in those les, get hurt, and make a whole new world. That… and I was dared by spammer s and mockers who keep trying to force me to change and watch the show.
Nora: They kept saying things like “Your criticisms make no sense,” but that’s because they just don’t understand how brilliant I am!
PS: I cannot and will not answer the questions of anonymous reviewers.
Cornelia: Will not, fair enough, can not, a load of garbage.
Ert: So, this fic continues to be underwhelming in every way possible. I guess that’s the end of the “pilot.” Let’s see where this mediocre rip off takes us next.