1296: agig’s Old Shame Sunday – A series of One-Shots, Part One

Title: halo: cross universe
Author: agigabyte
Media: Videogame
Topic: Halo
Genre:  none listed
URL: Not Found Online
Critiqued by agigabyte

Hello, Patrons and Librarians! It’s agig here. As in, the person, not the character. This is why I have my characters refer to me as “author.” Anyway, you may have gathered the purpose of this by the title. Now, the reason for it being called “Old Shame Sunday” is that almost all of my old shames are too short to even be one shots. Yeah. So I’m going to do multiple reviews, in every issue except this one, because most of these are a couple of paragraphs or less in length. This first one is called “halo: cross universe” and is somehow better than around sixty percent of the legitimate stories I’ve seen here. Anyway, there is context for this piece of trash…

When I was nine, the co op program I go to on Tuesdays had a creative writing program. Near the end of the school year, we had to write a short story of a half page. Think of it like NaNoWriMo, but for a week at the start of May. And you only had to write half a page. So really, nothing like NaNoWriMo.

Moving on from this awkward bit, I was inspired to do these when I found a copy of the thing sitting in my room. Sadly, I couldn’t find the digital copy so I’m reconstructing it for you. This fic is called “halo: cross universe.” Now, let’s begin.

S-447 was walking  through the wastelands under a cliff whenever suddenly,

And from behind!

a green humanoid with a bear appeared in a flash of light

And this isn’t even the worst method of inciting conflict I have.

And of course it was a foot taller than him with a meter long spiked club in in hand.

Wait a moment. Did I just see:

a foot taller than him with a meter long

*Recoils* Damn unit mixing!

Then a fireball shot towards him.

Suddenly and from behind!

…I have a feeling this will be happening a lot in this fic.

As he’s a Spartan he had

I’ll be right back. I need a temporal barf bag.

*A few minutes later, comes back*

a suit of MJOLLNIR armor with full one-way shielding

Nice job researching the source material, me. Really nice fucking job.

and a reaction time of 0.023 seconds

Spartan Gary-447 can travel at the speed of plot, it seems.

and was easily able to dodge the trolls strike and deflect the fireball. Then in a single movement he whipped out his energy sword and slashed the troll, killing it instantly.

After that, he wondered just how those things appeared, so he ran out from under the cliff and saw a woman wearing a purple robe

I think that a very mild beige is a more appropriate color.

with a glowing staff in hand. “What the heck did you do that for!?: He asked. “Leave

our planet and never return you wretched aliens,” she said. Then 3 Covenanent corvette class starships jumped out of slipspace above them. “Come on,” said S-447.

They ran towards a corvette that had deployed Phantom dropships to the surface

Dear God, she trusted him instantly! The Stufluence is spreading! Quick, Purple Robed Woman, run!

Also, how is she keeping up with him? Magic, I’d presume, but apparently I never specified.

and S-447 pulled out his Spartan Laser Cannon and fired at a dropship which exploded when hit.

I guess that the Spartan Laser is the modded version that fires as soon as you pull the trigger and kills everything instantly.

3 Elites and 2 Hunters jumped out of the dropship before it was destroyed. The Hunters fired

Oh, lovely, it’s a character blob. One that fires instantly.

and the sorceress made a magical shield, blocking the shots. Then S-447 pulled out a Sniper Rifle and fired off two shots.

What I want to know is how he fit two very large weapons on his back. *Smack head* Oh, wait, he didn’t. He just stuck them in the formless void.

One shot hit a hunter in the small spot on the neck that was unprotected, killing it instantly.

Wait, is this following the game mechanics of Halo CE, now? In no other game would a single shot kill a hunter.

The other shot grazed the armor, killed an Elite,

Wait, what? Did it graze the armor of the Elite or the Hunter? If the former, why was it in battle with its shields down and how did a grazing shot kill it? If the latter, why was the Elite lying down on the ground next to the Hunter’s carcass?

then richashayed

Bwah? The… what the fuck is this?! I don’t fuckin… how?! *Drinks some Hot Cocoa and takes a deep breath* *Lets out breath* Okay, I’m just going to move on.

back and hit the massive unprotected back of the hunter, killing it.

You know, Syl hates Zombies. She’ll be glad it was killed immediately.

The sorceress shot a fireball at an elite, strait through the shielding and killing it. The remaining elite pulled out its own energy sword, knocked S-447down to the ground and raised its blade up high.

And that’s the end. However, I don’t believe we should end on a cliffhanger, so I’ll write an ending.

It stabbed Gary-447 through the heart, and then shot Purple Robed Woman with a plasma rifle. The End.

Well, that’s all I have for now. I’ll be back with this some time. Probably after Garfield Effect, though. See you guys later.


33 Comments on “1296: agig’s Old Shame Sunday – A series of One-Shots, Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    and a reaction time of 0.023 seconds

    That’s… about on par with a normal human, actually.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    he whipped out his energy sword and slashed the troll, killing it instantly.

    That must have been a very homophobic troll, then.

  3. SC says:

    a suit of MJOLLNIR armor with full one-way shielding

    So, your Spartan dude had the most fuck-you armor humanity had created to fight the Covenant with, and yet, by his actions, appeared to lack the genetic tampering of a Spartan unit that makes them… you know… fucking Spartan units?

    THEN HOW COULD HE FUCKING MOVE? That armor is too heavy for regular humans!

  4. SC says:

    Then in a single movement he whipped out his energy sword

    …Why would a Spartan unit randomly have an Elite’s energy blade? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s possible for them to be all, “fuck it”, and pick one up (ask any Halo player – the sword and hammer are fucking PRIVILEGES), but this guy was standard-equipped with one? Forgive me if I don’t believe that.

  5. SC says:

    Then 3 Covenanent corvette class starships jumped out of slipspace above them.

    They ran towards a corvette that had deployed Phantom dropships to the surface

    Just to give the uninitiated an idea how big these two ships are: in Halo REACH, Corvettes could carry entire platoons in their holds, and Phantom dropships had entire squadrons.

    Three Corvettes and Phantoms? Shit, that’s a whole company they just dropped on you, bro!

  6. "Lyle" says:

    You know, for something you wrote when you were nine, it’s actually not as bad as it could have been. When I was nine, I wrote a story about going to the moon and playing “moon ball” with an alien girl. It took one day to get there.

    My point is that your badfic story reads more like the badfic story of a twelve year old. You badficced at a sixth grade level!

  7. OhMyGodI'mHavingAFuckingHeartAttack says:

    might’ve been all those tasty cheesenborgirs from over the years

    yo how the fuck do any of you actually find the courage to do old shames

    I thought I’d be ready to laugh at myself after one year over… something, but ermagherd I can’t stop cringing

  8. infinity421 says:

    Well, look at it this way:
    You at least have the excuse of being nine years old at the time.
    I don’t think the same goes for many of the other authors featured on this site.

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