1294: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite – Chapter 1

 

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  none given
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

Now that my lovely little holiday oneshots have run their course, I’m tackling another fic from my pile. It’s the rewrite of Tomorrow Is Always Better, the OHSHC fic that broke new ground in how badly one author could muck up such serious subjects as childhood cancer, rape, physical abuse, and teen pregnancy. It probably didn’t help that the Sue was breaking into song at least once a chapter. If you missed out, the riffs can be found here.

The original version didn’t have a summary, but luck for us the rewrite does!

This was the relationship we had, he was my very best friend who I could tell anything and everything to he would protect me against my demons.

Could you try to be a little more vague? I almost understood that.

disregard the oringinal plot it has changed so it flows better with the story after this one.HikaruXOC KyoyaXOC

That wouldn’t take much, the original was a clunky train wreck that was little more than a series of “tragic events” tossed together. I’m hoping a little more thought is put into these two relationships, but I’m not holding my breath.

Let’s get to the fic!

My name is Kyoko Everest I’m sixteen and live in America with my father Jonathan Everest. My mother is a mid thirties Japanese woman named Ayame Tanaka. I looked like my mother with long dark brown and large purple blue eyes, French father.

:blinks:

One one hand – she’s not a nameless street cat. On the other – damn. That’s a lot of incoherent info-dumping. I don’t think the original ever mentioned Kyo-Sue’s mother’s full name, or any part of her name that I can recall. I know it was never mentioned if she was a native Japanese person or not. I have no idea what that “French father” tacked on to the end means, though. Did Ayame have a French father and that’s why she has the “purple blue” eyes that were passed on the Kyo-Sue, or is Jonathan himself French and does he have eyes of that color?

It was an ungodly hour in the morning and I was finishing up a 5 page homework assignment for Physic which I hated with I passion. Which is funny cause that’s my best friends Kisa and Kyoya Ootori favorite subject, oh to the smart physic loving people.

I don’t understand why that would be funny. You can be friends with people who have different interests than you; if you required your friends to have exactly the same hobbies then the only person you would be friends with would be yourself. Also;

:THWACK!:

No numerals in the narration!

At 6a.m

:THWACK!:

What did I just say?

Wait, six o’clock is the “ungodly hour” when she finished her homework? Did she wake up early to finish it, or stay up all night long just to finish a five-page assignment? Because when I was a teenager, six in the morning was when I would usually get up and start getting ready for school.

This is slightly better than the original chapter, when Kyo-Sue was just wandering around the house with no purpose at four in the morning, so there’s that.

my life changed my mother who I haven’t seen in 3 years due to my abuses alcoholic father called. “Hey my baby girl.” She chirped in a high pitch tone.

Yeah, that exposition wasn’t rushed or forced at all. Very natural.

:sarcasm detector explodes:

Honestly, why did we ever install those?

“Mom?” I asked disbelief showing in my voice.

How did you get this number? Why haven’t you called me in three years? Where have you been?

Is Kyo-Sue at all curious as to why her mother suddenly calls her out of the blue at a time that could be anywhere from eight PM (if Kyo-Sue is on the East Coast) to one AM the following day (if Kyo-Sue is in Hawaii) in Japan? How did Ayame even know Kyo-Sue would be awake at this time? She was only up late (or early) because she had a tough homework assignment to complete, which would mean she normally wouldn’t have been awake to answer the phone.

“Yep, I have an offer for you.” She said happily.

I don’t have children, but if I did and was separated from them for that long them I’d be a weepy and incoherent mess. I don’t even like leaving my cats when I go on vacation.

“What is it?” I asked as I stood up from my desk putting my homework safely away in my school bag. I opened my door to make sure no one was up.

Should have thought about that sooner; if Jonathan is as controlling as someone who has prevented his daughter from having any contact with her mother should be, then he would never let her have a personal cell phone so that call has to be coming over the house’s line. (It is also unlikely that he would give her unsupervised access to the house phone.) It likely rang in other rooms besides hers and woke other people up.

“I want you and Lena to come live with me In Japan,

Who is Lena? I know who she is from the original fic, but is this how she’s being introduced now? In the original her introduction was almost an afterthought as well.

I’ve bought you online tickets for Japan if you both chose to leave.

:spit-take:

She just bought two tickets to Japan without knowing if they would even be used? Do you know how much that would cost? From the East Coast, where I live, a one-way economy ticket purchased the same day would cost between thirteen and fourteen hundred dollars. I’ve traveled economy, and twenty-plus hours of that would be agony. For a mere six thousand dollars she could upgrade to first class.

Lena parents have okayed it” she said seriously my mother who is never serious wants me to come home how can I refuse it?

Who lets their young daughter go live in another country on a whim? And how would they even be able to get the required paperwork? Lena’s parents could procure her passport – assuming she hasn’t been kidnapped and living under an assumed name, making it impossible to get one – but as a minor Kyo-Sue would need her custodial parent – Jonathan the Jackass – to do it. I covered it more extensively in the first chapter of the original, but – no. This isn’t happening like this.

“I accept-“I was cut off by a loud crashing sound.

“Dads home I got to go.” I said she said something really quick. “Your plane leaves at 10:39.” She said and hung up.

Ugh. The said-ism. It burns us!

She has four and a half hours to abandon her life, find her passport, and figure out how she’s going to get to the airport and onto a plane. That sounds like she would be cutting it pretty damned close.

“Kyoko Mai-lee(like Miley) Everest!” my father yelled as he opened my door.

:THWACK!:

No Author’s Notes in the dialogue!

Also – Mai Lee is not a Japanese name, it’s a Chinese name. There is no “L” in the language. And I don’t think a Japanese person would want to give their child a Chinese name.

And I thought no one else was up; where did her father come from? She tells her mother that he’s home, so does that mean he is just now getting home? Does he normally barge into his daughter’s room at six in the morning?

I had just enough time to get on my bed with my Laptop in hand to look like I was doing something. “Yes father?” I asked as I closed my laptop.

Smooth.

So in the time it took him to open the door she got on the bed from [location] after picking her laptop up from [other location] and got it opened and booted up so that she could look busy?

“Your friend Lenora is here.” Lena is a 14 almost 15 freshman at my high school I’ve known her for a really long time longer than she thinks.

At six in the morning. And that’s not even a little suspicious?

I assume this is supposed to be a vague reference to the whole “Lena is really Honey-senpai’s sister who was kidnapped by relatives” nonsense from the original fic. If it is, then there is still the same glaring problem that existed in the original – why would the “parents” who kidnapped her consent to letting Lena go back to Japan? And any documents, like a passport, that she has would probably be forgeries. They might have passed muster fourteen years ago, but in these hyper-vigilant times? No dice, sunshine.

Lena appeared in the doorway with a bright smile on her face.

Ugh. Of course she would be a morning person.

Lena wasn’t very tall not even 5.0 I bet shortness runs in the family,

Yet another reference – two within paragraphs of each other. As foreshadowing goes, this is less than subtle.

she came and jumped next to me as my printer started printing our tickets.

That’s not how it works. You can print out your itinerary, but then when you get to the airport you still have to check in with a ticket agent or use one of those self-serve kiosks.

“Your parents okayed it?” I asked her as she lays on her back as I get up and throw all my favorite clothes in a bag, put the tickets in a folder and put said folder in my purse.

Didn’t Ayame already say that?

“Yah they were actually happy to see me go, why is that?” she asked.

If you’re the same frenetic fluffbrain from the original, I can guess why. But they really shouldn’t be if my theory is correct, since it would expose them as kidnappers.

“I’d love to tell you Cookie but I am sworn to secrecy by Coal.” I answered her as I walked over to my closet to get dressed.

I’m guessing the author isn’t going to establish who Coal is, either.

“That’s no fair Kyo-oneesan.” She whined.

Ugh. You are going to be the same frenetic fluffbrain, aren’t you?

“You’ll live.” I mumbled.

Unfortunately.

I had on a long pair of black jeans with a green tee shirt. I put my messenger bag over my shoulders and grab my ipod and laptop.

Kyo-Sue is carrying a bag with all her favorite clothes in it, a purse large enough to contain the folder with the “tickets” in it, and now she’s added a messenger bag, her laptop, and her iPod. Just how many hands does she have?

When we get to the front door of the way to large house for four people three of which are never there I yell up the stairs to lie to my father.

:winces:

This fic does have more detail in it than the original, but it is just so haphazard and rushed.

“Dad I going to Lena’s for the weekend bye.” He would be pissed when he figure out I wasn’t coming back.

Is it the weekend? Why was she staying up until six AM to finish homework if she had all weekend to do it? And she’s carrying far more luggage than you would need for a simple sleepover.

We made it to the airport around 9oclock checked in and waited.

It took them three hours to get to the airport? Did they have to walk the entire way? And that only gives them an hour to get in line, check in, get their real tickets, get through the security checkpoints, and find out where their flight is going to be boarding. And if it’s a big airport it can take you that long just to walk from one terminal to the next. And traveling as unaccompanied minors can require additional paperwork, depending on the airline used they may even need a signed and notarized Letter of Consent and/or need a parent or guardian to check them in and have a designated party meet them at their destination, as well as extra fees.

Lena was wearing a green and orange tank top with blue jean long shorts. Her short hair was in two identical low piggy tales with light green ribbons around them.

By all means; let’s hold up the narration for some unnecessary wardrobe description. This is a perfectly logical place for it, not way back when Lena first entered Kyo-Sue’s bedroom.

1 hour later.

:eye-twitch:

Great, this “improved” version has time tags in it.

“Please buckle your seat belts will be taking off at once.” The flight attendant said cheerfully over the inter com.

Their flight leaves at 10:39, so no; no, you will not. Planes might leave late but they never leave early. Were the pilots like “Hey, I’m done with my exhaustive checklists! Let’s taxi out early! I don’t care if half the passengers are off buying Starbucks, I wanna go now.”

I buckled my belt so did Lena, She pulled out a coloring book and a box of colors.

Lena is secretly Pocahontas. Also; do fourteen going on fifteen year olds still like coloring books? I know that “adult” coloring books are popular now, but this seems like an activity that someone much younger that a high school freshman would engage in. My niece is only eleven and she loves to draw, but I haven’t seen her coloring in a coloring book for years.

I put my earphones end and feel asleep, it’s a 13hour plane ride from the New York to Tokyo Japan nonstop this plane is taking us straight there.

They must be on a super-fast plane; the fastest flights I could find were just over fourteen hours.

I feel asleep soon after I think Lena did too.

How convenient! They both managed to sleep through the entire frickin’ flight. In those cramped seats that have all the plushy softness of a cinderblock.

13 hours and 45 minutes later Tokyo airport

Which one, Haneda or Narita?

And didn’t you say it was a thirteen hour flight? Where did those extra forty-five minutes come from?

I was currently being hugged to death by my mother and grandmother. “Oh I’ve missed my baby girl so much.” My mother exclaimed.

Oh, so that extra forty-five minutes was them disembarking, finding their luggage, getting through Customs, and then locating Kyo-Sue’s mother and grandmother in a giant airport. Because that’s reasonable.

“I feel so left out.” Lena said only to be hugged by my grandmother.

“Don’t worry my dear we haven’t forgotten about you.” Granny said.

I really wish the author had forgotten her. This character is likely based on a friend of the author’s so she included Lena in the fic so that she could hook up with her favorite character. Lena doesn’t add anything to the fic, she’s completely superfluous in the original and looks to be heading down that path in this version as well.

Soon my mother released me and a smile tugged at me as I saw someone who I missed dearly. “Kyoya-kun.” I cried happily as my arms wrapped around him.

:winces:

Again – this is the improved, rewritten version.

“Kyoko is there a reason why you are making hard for me to breathe.” He smirked at me.

:distant bleating noises:

No, Cerbs! He’s on the Approved Smirkers List!

Kind of odd that he would choose to smirk during what is likely meant to be a touching reunion scene, though.

“Sorry.” I said sheepishly as I went to release him but his wrapped his arms around me . “I don’t remembering asking you to let go my dear.” He whispered in my ear. This was the relationship we had, he was my very best friend who I could tell anything and everything to he would protect me against my demons.

So this time the romance doesn’t sprout up out of left field, but it is (like much of the fic thus far) very rushed and forced. This isn’t how Kyouya-senpai acts, so it isn’t very true to his character.

And that is the EXACT SAME THING that was in the summary! The author couldn’t even come up with something original for the fic.

He let go after that as another person tackled me. “ONEESAN!” it yelled turns out it was Kisa Ootori my unbiological baby sister she 15 almost 16 and is way too much like Fuyumi and Kyoya for one’s own good.

She’s your what? And what is it with everyone being one age but almost another? Only very young children speak like that.

“Hey Imoutosan.” I said as I wrapped my arms around her she returned the hug.

Is this constant gratuitous Japanese honorifics use going to be a thing? Because it is very aggravating.

“I’ve missed you so much Kyoko .” she said and I whipped her tears from her eyes.

Ouch. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that to eyes.

“No need to cry Kisa .” I told her.

“Awww how sweet!” my mother cried happily.

Why is Ayame acting like a fangirl?

“Realy Mother?” I asked as I looked back at them Lena now holding a black hair little girl.

“Is that?” I asked.

A complete sentence? No, it isn’t.

“That is Yumiko your little sister.”

Really? Because you would think she would be a little more excited to see her baby sister.

Yumiko was the last child my mother and father had together before the divorce was final. Dad got me and the two older children who moved out recently to go to college.

So there’s two kids who are college age, probably eighteen or nineteen, then Kyo-Sue who is sixteen, and then two younger kids with the youngest being maybe three? They divorced, presumably in Japan since that’s where Ayame lives, but the judge awarded custody of three of the older children to some gajin? I don’t think so.

Mom got Yasushi and Yumiko and stayed in Japan in her home on my grandparent’s complex village thing.

:angry Japanese wafts up from the floor below:

I know, I know; I’m on it.

:cracks knuckles:

Brace yourself for an info-dump, Patrons!

The traditional Japanese household is called 家(ie) and incorporates the physical structure of a home as well as the family’s lineage and their current economic and socio-religious unit. It is a huge part of Japanese culture. The traditional house was a large complex, encompassing the central dwelling, rice fields, and vegetable gardens as well as a designated area of the local cemetery, but these large compounds are typically only found in rural areas these days, or are centered around businesses or schools that have been in the same family for generations. These households are primarily patriarchal, but a woman can be the head of the 戸籍 (koseki, family register) if she earns an income and her husband does not. There are only one or two generations in a koseki, the parents and children, if the grandparents are alive they would establish a separate koseki. Daughters typically join their husband’s koseki, but if there is no male heir to inherit the wife’s family may adopt her husband and he would take her name. This system actually discourages divorce, since any children would remain with their father’s koseki, but since Jonathan is a foreigner he would not have one. There’s a chance that Jonathan was adopted into the family, but I can’t find any evidence of a foreigner being made into the head of a koseki; only a Japanese citizen can even be registered in a koseki since being in a koseki is considered a certificate of citizenship and the only way a foreign-born person can become a Japanese citizen is if they renounce their prior citizenship. Since Jonathan lives in the US and has apparently done so for years, I doubt this happened. A foreigner can be noted in the koseki where required, such as listing them as a spouse or parent, but it wouldn’t necessarily mean they are citizens.

Under this system, the eldest son inherits the compound and/or business, and the responsibility of caring for the elder members, so if either of Kyo-Sue’s older siblings are male it is doubly unlikely that they would have been given to Jonathan. The original does indicate that she has an older sister and an older brother, so the brother would be the heir.

Fun fact; in 2003 there was a GID Law passed that allowed people with gender identity disorder to legally change their gender in their koseki provided they met certain conditions.

Yumiko was born four months after father had taken us to the States.

Yeah, no. Any child born within three hundred days of a divorce belongs to the father’s family. If the judge inexplicably granted custody of the children to their father, then it is far more likely that the younger would have gone rather than the eldest who would have social obligations to their family.

I was about to squat down to tell her to come to me when I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist.

She’s being held in Lena’s arms; what is squatting down going to do?

It was Yasushi my 13 year old little brother. I ruffle his dirty blonde hair and kissed his forehead.

He’s the product of a Japanese person and someone who is probably French; how does he have blonde hair? Blonde hair, and Kyo-Sue’s purple-blue eyes, are recessive traits not found in the typical Japanese person. And there’s a ten year gap between him and the youngest, when the others are only a year or two apart. Sort of odd spacing.

“Yoko don’t do that.” He complained.

Yoko is not a diminutive of Kyoko. Why doesn’t he call her Oneechan like Kisa does? If one person uses honorifics, shouldn’t they all? And while we’re at it, are they speaking in English or Japanese?

“I haven’t seen you in 3 years my darling little brother I have the right to hug you ruffle your hair and kiss you.” I said happily as he poked my side making me yelp in pain.

“Bruise there hurts.” I mumble as he looked at me in a terrified way.

But all the other bending and moving somehow didn’t make her experience even a twinge.

“What happened to you?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you.” I said as I held my side in pain Lena looked worriedly at me, sharing my pain.

And he’ll just take you at your word, because teenaged children never question anything.

I say my goodbyes to Kyoya and Kisa and mom puts us in her giant SUV, at takes us home. My room looks like it did 3 years ago, green and black no changes were needed at all.

Or even a description beyond the general color scheme.

I laid on my bed as Lena came and laid beside me. She laid her head on my bruised stomach I winced in pain but I would be fine as long as the stitches didn’t come out.

You don’t get stitches for bruises, and if she was struck hard enough that it broke the skin there’s probably some internal damage as well. And that thirteen-plus hour flight squashed in an airplane seat must have felt wonderful.

Maybe my life was going to change for I knew as a fact that Tomorrow is always better.

If this follows the formula set up in the previous fic, things will get better but then there will be the revelation of some Trajek Past event capped off by karaoke.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Oh, these are back. :eye-twitch: Awesome.

So what do you think about the first chapter of the rewrite. Please tell me what you think and I’ll try to update soon. Love the Ninjas.

I think the pacing is terrible and the author still hasn’t bothered doing any research. Only three more chapters, though.

 

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34 Comments on “1294: Tomorrow Is Always Better Rewrite – Chapter 1”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    My name is Kyoko Everest I’m sixteen and live in America with my father Jonathan Everest. My mother is a mid thirties Japanese woman named Ayame Tanaka. I looked like my mother with long dark brown and large purple blue eyes, French father.

    I thought rewrites were supposed to be better than the original work!

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    It was an ungodly hour in the morning and I was finishing up a 5 page homework assignment for Physic which I hated with I passion. Which is funny cause that’s my best friends Kisa and Kyoya Ootori favorite subject, oh to the smart physic loving people.

    You know, back in high school my friends and I used to joke that mechanics and electromagnetics were each a physic, and that only together could they be considered physics.

    Lena apparently thinks we were serious.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    my life changed my mother who I haven’t seen in 3 years due to my abuses alcoholic father called.

    I prefer to read this in the same manner as the “French father” bit above.

    my life changed my mother who I haven’t seen in 3 years due to my abuses, [COMPLETELY NEW TOPIC:] alcoholic father called.

  4. Who lets their young daughter go live in another country on a whim? And how would they even be able to get the required paperwork? Lena’s parents could procure her passport – assuming she hasn’t been kidnapped and living under an assumed name, making it impossible to get one – but as a minor Kyo-Sue would need her custodial parent – Jonathan the Jackass – to do it. I covered it more extensively in the first chapter of the original, but – no. This isn’t happening like this.

    I still think this makes far more sense as a relatively well-thought-out plan to acquire Everest’s company. Honorable Mother is just some overpayed comms engineer with voice processing software, and the objective is to get her idiot spawn into an environment where she is relatively isolated and does not know nearly as much of the native language as she thinks she does. In a few days, the news of Everest’s abuse is going to come out, nobody will find it particularly suspicious that the man committed suicide by jumping off of his penthouse balcony, and Kyo-whatever is going to need to sign a few “custody papers” written in particularly elliptical French (since her father was from that country originally and that is totally how such things work).

  5. TacoMagic says:

    That’s not how it works. You can print out your itinerary, but then when you get to the airport you still have to check in with a ticket agent or use one of those self-serve kiosks.

    Depends on the airline, I think. With southwest, you can print your boarding pass up to 24 hours before your flight, and if you don’t have check-on luggage, you can just head right to the plane (with your normal security shenanigans before).

    However, I would highly doubt they would do this with international flights. Let alone minors traveling alone on an international flight.

    • GhostCat says:

      I’ve never travelled internationally, but I imagine there’s more paperwork involved – especially if you’re moving somewhere. There’s one brief mention that they checked in, which kind of makes printing your ticket out ahead of time a bit redundant.

  6. Cain: I can’t believe you did this one. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the Knife Room.

  7. SC says:

    Ugh. The said-ism. It burns us!

    One of the biggest struggles for me with writing is that I often fall into a he-said-she-said pattern where everybody says something with no flavor adverbs or anything to make it more involved. I actually have to force myself to look at a list of other speaking verbs to keep it interesting, especially since multi-character dialogue in my writing can go on for-fucking-ever.

  8. SC says:

    So, I looked up a list of french names, and found everything from Jean to Johnson, but not Johnathan.

    Either they forgot about it, or it’s not French.

  9. SC says:

    :sarcasm detector explodes:

    Honestly, why did we ever install those?

    They’re the easiest security system Contacts has ever bypassed. Sarcasm is his modus operandi.

  10. SC says:

    Lena doesn’t add anything to the fic, she’s completely superfluous in the original and looks to be heading down that path in this version as well.

    So long as she doesn’t get cancer, treat it wrong and then have the fastest recovery time in the history of man again…

  11. HowDoIHaikuMaiWaifu says:

    I’m still waiting for the revelation that her great great great great however many generations ago idfk grandfather was Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai at this point

    At least then maybe we could see her become obsessed with Bushido and grorious Nippon steel and destroy the Filthy gaijin American piggu’s favored waifus and husbandos for the grory of the Empwah! Banzaaaaiiii! Kawaiiiii!

  12. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    ‘Blonde hair, and Kyo-Sue’s purple-blue eyes, are recessive traits not found in the typical Japanese person.’

    Was there not a very peculiar case of a Frenchman having something like blue skin as well because genetics and holyfuckpunnett squaresIfuckinghatepunnettsquares? Why is Kyo-Ren not a fucking Asari too :(

  13. "Lyle" says:

    Lena was wearing a green and orange tank top with blue jean long shorts. Her short hair was in two identical low piggy tales with light green ribbons around them.

    Is Lena a pumpkin? This makes her sound like a pumpkin. Imma go with pumpkin.

  14. "Lyle" says:

    mom puts us in her giant SUV

    her giant SUV

    giant SUV

    They’re in fucking Japan.

    I spent a week there a few years back and didn’t see a single fucking SUV. They like vans and small cars with good fuel economy. And trains.

    • GhostCat says:

      I imagine it would be like any heavily urbanized metropolis, Like New York City; where cars are more trouble than they are worth so most people wouldn’t even have one much less a massive gas guzzler.

  15. Koori says:

    Please tell me what you think and I’ll try to update soon. Love the Ninjas

    I might not be part of Ishi-sensei’s clan, but I think I speak for all the ninja of the Library when I say we are not associated with this fic in any way!


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