1288: The Marrissa Games – Chapter FivePosted: January 3, 2016
Title: The Marissa Games
Author: Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list! – Lyle] The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat (with special guests Goddess, Cain, and Syl)
Cain: Welcome back! I’m here with the usual ensemble. Syl, Ghostie, and-
Goddess: *Stands up from tying Ghostie to a chair* Hi! Ghostie was being uncooperative.
Cain: *Glares at Goddess* and Interrupting Cow.
Goddess: Did you just call me a-
Interrupting Cow: MOO.
Cain: You don’t count, Goddess. So I replaced you with this Cow.
Goddess: Oh, you little-
Interrupting Cow: MOO.
Goddess: *Pulls out Plasma Pistol* Well, it’s about to be interrupting st-
Interrupting Cow: MOO. *Teleports down to wherever Cerbersheep is*
Goddess: *Puts away Plasma Pistol* What… the hell just happened?
Cain: I hired the Big Lipped Alligator to find me an interrupting Cow, then payed the Cow to become a permanent Cast Member. It took a liking to Cerbersheep and joined him. Anyway, I also have Garrus here with me.
Garrus: *Waves awkwardly*
Ghostie: Can someone loosen the ropes on my wrists? My hands are going numb.
Goddess: That’s the purpose, sweetheart. This way you can’t wriggle out.
Ghostie: I’m not going to be much good to you if my hands fall off.
Goddess: Fine. *Loosens the bindings slightly* There you go, sweetheart. For now, at least. Someday, I’ll control the fleet, and then you’ll be mine.
Cain: Goddess, please never say sweetheart again. It doesn’t suit you. Also, Ghostie, she does that creepy thing a lot. I’d suggest just ignoring it.
Syl: Yeah, that’s more my thing.
Ghostie: It’s also really creepy when you do it.
Cain: If she wants to be fake endearing, she should go agig’s route and say “honey”. Anyway, let’s begin.
Chapter 6: GETTIN DOWN TO BISNESS
Not a Verb Counter: 478
Goddess: *Headdesk* We’re in the goddamn title and we already have a ping on the counter. THE TITLE.
Ghostie: Which part of that is a verb not being a verb? Or do we ding all misspellings now?
Goddess: She didn’t put an apostrophe on “gettin’”.
Ghostie: I don’t think it counts. It’s more of a spelling error than a verb error.
Syl: Fucking rules lawyer.
Goddess: Don’t care. I bribed Monitor.
Cain: Well, I had Agent [REDACTED] bribe him more.
Not a Verb Counter: 476
Ghostie: Why doesn’t anyone ever want to bribe me?
Cain: Also, was that a pun on the name “Bisiness Man”? I think it was.
Syl: Was that meant to be clever? Because it wasn’t.
Cain: If it was a joke, it was worse than anything Goddess has ever said.
Goddess: Did you just damn me by faint praise?
Syl: I think it was just regular damning. Should we shoot him?
Cain: *Holds up a “Get out of getting shot free card™”* Courtesy of the PCC.
Ghostie: Do they have any “Get out of riffing a MarissaTheWriter fic” cards?
Cain: Sorry, but Goddess had Pantheon patent those, and use a contrivance lock on them.
Syl: How deliciously wicked!
Goddess: Let’s celebrate with Pie. And I promise that the pie is not a lie.
Ghostie: That’s not how that goes!
Syl: But it rhymes better than that stupid cake thing.
Cain: That was almost as much of a shoehorn as the “Bisiness Man” joke.
Garrus: My translator had trouble with that word. “Shoehorn,” I think it was?
Syl: You don’t have those? How do you get your boots on?
Cain: *Ignores Syl* A shoehorn is when someone forces a phrase or a joke into whatever they were saying.
Sorret guys mah kebaord broke but I gotted a new 1.
Not a Verb Counter: 477
Cain: Sadly, her keyboard did not break.
Ghostie: Are we sure? Because it would explain so much.
It’s got a kinda diffrant layowt so I might have sum troble
Garrus: After reading through everything else in this fic, I’m not sure if her having trouble spelling means it will get worse, or somehow correct itself.
Ghostie: It gets worse. It always gets worse.
Cain: *Hands a Gargleblaster to Ghostie*
Ghostie: I appreciate the thought, but how am I supposed to drink this? I’m tied up!
Cain: *Retcons a cupholder to be in front of Ghostie’s face, just floating there, and Retcons a straw into the formless container holding the Gargleblaster*
Ghostie: Ooh, a crazy straw! Nice touch.
bUT now onto the next akshun packed advenshure of
Goddess: Of what? *Shoots Marissa in the foot with a plasma pistol* Don’t end your paragraph in the middle of a sentence!
Ghostie: I don’t normally condone irrational violence, but I’m fine with grammar-based irrational violence.
Syl: She calls me that all the time. I don’t know why.
Cain: Probably because you both are irrationally greedy and malevolent.
Goddess: No need to call names.
Syl: I’m not malevolent, I’m just quirky.
Cain: I’m with Ghostie. You’re definitely malevolent.
THE MARRISSA GAMES
CHAPTER FORE: GETTIN DOWN TO BISINESS (LOL LICK BISINESS MAN)
Ghostie: How many times is she going to play out the same lame joke? We haven’t even got to the fic proper yet.
Cain: She’s going to play it out as many times as she can believably repeat the chapter title.
Ghostie: This damn fic has the highest number of dead horses that the author just loves to drag out and give a few whacks.
Cain: And then revive only to kill them again just for bad measure.
Syl: The author must have one of those Retcannon things. Is that where you got yours from, Cain?
Cain: No, I have a flashback somewhere that explains how I got it. Somewhere.
Syl: Sounds like a “Yes” to me.
Cain: I know it was shown in the riff of Teen Fortress 2. It was when we encountered zombies.
Syl: So it was from a fic written by the same author, and thus she is the source of the Retcannon.
Cain: No, you moron. The flashback happened decades before the fic. I was a Petty Officer back then. I didn’t even have a commision.
Syl: It’s a Retcannon. Time is meaningless.
Cain: When did you become an expert on the delicate Retcon Sciences?
Syl: You just don’t want to admit that I’m right.
Goddess: *Eats popcorn*
Ghostie: Pass me some, would you?
Goddess: *Hands some to Ghostie and Syl*
Ghostie: Why does everyone forget that I’m tied up?
Agent [REDACTED]: *Steals the formless container and gives it to Cain*
Cain: *Sits down and eats popcorn*
Goddess: Holy shit. He just played us to get some popcorn and prove he’s a chessmaster. That egotistical bastard.
Syl: Cheating asshole!
Cain: *Smirks and hands some popcorn to Agent [REDACTED].
Ghostie: So I don’t get any popcorn?
Cain: *Hands some popcorn to Ghostie*
Ghostie: Still tied up.
Cain: *Retcons a robotic arm to feed Ghostie popcorn*
Goddess: Now this is just fucking ridiculous.
Wifout the train for goin on we didant havbe a way to reech the Capital and Hunger Games so I was happy. “Gess we dogged a bullet there guys!~”
Not a Verb Counter: 480
Goddess: Aw, she jinxed it. I was hoping the fic would end right there.
Cain: What part about “over a dozen chapters” do you not understand?
Ghostie: The part where anyone thought it was a good idea to start this thing.
Cain: Yeah. Well, thankfully, I can blackmail, too. So as long as she forces me to riff this, I force her to riff as well.
I lolled to Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater. Effer was cryin lick a dum baby becos she wasa
Not a Verb Counter: 481
Goddess: “Wasa” reminds me of Mistborn. Now I’m scared she’ll make a Mistborn crossover.
Syl: This is the part where I nod and smile and pretend I know what you’re saying but secretly hope you don’t ask any follow-up questions.
Cain: Mistborn is a really cool fantasy/mystery series by Brandon Sanderson. You should check it out.
huge Hnger Games fan an was sad that seh wood miss the games this yeer.
Syl: Seh Wood? Is this another character?
Cain: I think so? I mean, Seh doesn’t appear anywhere else in the fic, but that’s not an uncommon thing.
Ghostie: Randomly appearing and disappearing characters are one of the hallmarks of a badfic.
“Enuff of yur lollin an gaggin we have to trane!!1” Haymatch coached,
Not a Verb Counter: 484
Cain: Shit, it’s Sarge from Red vs Blue!
Ghostie: It’s “lollygagging” – all one word!
Goddess: Of course, I’m into lolicons and gags.
Cain: Uh… *Retcons himself away from Goddess*
Syl: I don’t see the allure of lolicons, they’re too fragile for my tastes, but I do enjoy a well-made gag.
Ghostie: :attempts to scoot chair away from Syl and Goddess:
Cain: *Retcons Ghostie away from the two*
we was confused at this becos the trane was ded.
Ghostie: How does a train die? It’s a train!
Garrus: It makes as much sense as anything else here.
Cain: *Jumps* I forgot you were there.
Ghostie: :jumps and knocks chair over: I’d really like to be not tied up right now.
Cain: *Unties Ghostie while Goddess and Syl are still talking about gags* Now, take this. *Hands over a “Get out of any negative things done by Syl or Goddess directly or indirectly free card, renewable edition*
Garrus: S-Sec stands for Stealth-Security.
Cain: You really should join the agency.
Ghostie: Sorry about the whole “abandoning you while Syl and Goddess discuss gags and lolicons” thing.
Garrus: It’s fine. And yes, I think I will join the agency.
Agent [REDACTED]: Here you are. *Hands over a nametag saying “Agent [BIRDBRAIN]”*
Agent [REDACTED]: Yes. We’ve run out of variations on [CLASSIFIED].
“Effi is already call the trane pepole to give us a new one u guys relay think this isbs the first time sumthin lick this happoned?”
Not a Verb Counter: 485
Ghostie: Because people just carry around spare trains in their pockets.
Cain: Goddess, I can hear you behind me, and I know you’re about to do a product pitch.
Goddess: Me, damnit.
Syl: Wait, does this mean killing trains is something that happens often in this dimension? Is there an open season of different modes of transport?
Goddess: We have an open season on Contrived Creatures such as the Giant Eagles on Pantheon Controlled planets.
He was bissiness now, kind like Bisness Man, an no more drugs.
Syl: Who’s talking now? I wasn’t paying attention.
Cain: pretty sure it’s the prose. Not that you can ever tell with this.
Syl: Must be all the drugs everyone is always taking. That’s why you should practice moderation.
Garr- Agent [REDACTED]: Monitor, please call him by his proper title.
(No. I will call him what I want to.)- Monitor
ATlas an P-Body was all angary at this new Hamatich. “I cant beleeve that dum b**** Marrissa broked are new frend an we got no none to drug an beer with!” P-Body compained.
Not a Verb Counter: 489
Syl: Dumb B-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk? That’s a new one for me.
Cain: Oh, trust me, it’s nothing new for this fic.
Ghostie: How did Marissa break their friend? The only thing broken was the train. Were they going to hang out and get high with it?
Cain: Also, I just realized that this fic may have killed Thomas the Tank engine. Or some other train. I’m scared now.
(Warning. Creepy image inbound. Do not click it unless you wish to be scared.)- Monitor
[Oops, did I just put that into the body of the riff? *wanders off, whistling innocently* – Lyle]
Then a hooge asterood came from the sky an hit the grownd
Goddess: Was anyone lying face down on the ground? Because if so, then it means this “asterood” came suddenly and from behind.
Cain: No. Just no.
a far place a way an made a explosion an brite lites so we cudant see but then we got okay.
Ghostie: I, for one, would welcome blindness right now.
Cain: I, for one, wish they were permanently blind.
Goddess: I, for one, wish they had gotten crushed by the
Garrus: I, for one, wish that they were inflicted with the Genophage and couldn’t reproduce.
Agent [REDACTED]: I, for one, will go grievously harm Marissa for a few minutes.
Syl: I, for one, would like some pie.
(I really wish this gag would stop)- Monitor
Onse the crash was done happenin an we cold see gain Maymitch got owt weapins for us.
Not a Verb Counter: 490
Syl: Did he grab something out of the void? That’s MY thing!
Agents [CLASSIFIED], [SECRET], and [REDACTED]: Bullshit. It’s ours, too.
Cain: Did [CLASSIFIED] just talk?
Agent [CLASSIFIED]: *Shakes head “no”*
“Prim u are fleksible wif curves in alll the rite places so u will use marshal’s arts.” He made a kung foo posse to show Prim the way.
Not a Verb Counter: 491
Ghostie: :headdesk: Why is there always a character who has to know all the martial arts?
Cain: I also want to know why he made a posse for the martial art. Whatever Kung Foo is.
“Marrissa yur powers are veray strong so u shudant need a weapons but incase heers a portal gun.
Ghostie: She doesn’t need a gun, because she’s all-powerful, but he gives her one anyway. Because reasons.
Cain: You know, she never dropped the Companion
Boob Coob. I like to think she’s still lugging it around.
Goddess: Companion… Boob?
Ghostie: What are you, five?
Cain: My bet’s on her being Six.
I one it from ATLAS an P-body wen we was playin strip poker.” I was soooo grossed out thinkin a tyhose JERK ROBOTS stripin with cards.
Not a Verb Counter: 492
Syl: Unless someone boarded the train with a full toolbox, I don’t think that would work.
Ghostie: … DAMMIT, BIFOCALS!
I taked the portal gun an thot that this wold be a good key for viktory.
Not a Verb Counter: 493
Ghostie: A portal gun would be less than useless in this situation. It only works on portal surfaces, which contain ground-up moon rocks. Last I checked, the world doesn’t contain many commercial paints with “moon rocks” as a primary ingredient.
Cain: Maybe it’s a Prototip Portal Gun and will open a portal to Andord Hell?
Ghostie: Still needs a portal surface to work, though.
Cain: She never seemed to need one in the original, likely thanks to her “Speshul Powrs”.
Ghostie: BUT IT’S JUST SO WRONG!
Cain: *Pats Ghostie’s shoulder* There, there. Do you want a refill on your Gargleblaster?
Ghostie: Yes, please.
Cain: *Hands over another glass of Gargleblaster* It’s easier than Retconning more Gargleblaster into the other glass.
Ghostie: Can I keep the straw?
Syl: They’re so cute together! I might have a new OTP.
Cain: *Shoots Syl with a Plasma Pistol*
Garrus: *Takes a few photos*
“Now Peeta Peeta Sandiwch Eata I haf a spesal weapon for u.” Haymish pulled ot a relay huge chanesaw sord.
Ghostie: Is that a thing?
Garrus: According to Warhammer 40K.
Cain: Let’s just hope it isn’t a Groinsaw.
“Ony the most stronger can use it becos its sooooo hevy.” Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata piked up the sowrd an praktised it with a tree.
Not a Verb Counter: 495
Cain: Now, of course, he didn’t actually practise with it. He just… praktised it.
Ghostie: Almosts looks like “chastise”; he had a stern conversation with his chainsaw sword.
Garrus: Perhaps it’s sentient. Makes about as much sense as anything else in this fic.
Cain: He’s using my phrase. I always wanted to be a mentor figure.
Goddess: I’ve used it, too, and you aren’t my mentor.
Syl: He’s mental, does that count?
Cain: You stole it from me. He learned it from me. And Syl, *Shoots Syl with a Plasma Pistol* since you can respawn, I can shoot you as many times as I want.
Syl: So rude. If only a strong person can use it, why give it to the sandwich man? He’s not very strong. Is he?
We spent lick 3 ours prakisticin are attacks an fite moves wile we waited for the new trane to get heer.
Not a Verb Counter: 497
Ghostie: Nani? What does that even mean? It sounds like some new setting, the country of Prakisticin.
Syl: Or a medication you’d have to take after licking someone for three hours.
Cain: I like to think it’s an uninhabited country that they’ve taken over. Then we can blow it up. *Rubs hands together*
Goddess: Let’s take a break after this chapter; Cain’s getting really malevolent.
Syl: Right after we blow up their country.
Goddess: Totally fine with that. I was going to suggest it, but Cain beat me to it. That’s what I mean by him being malevolent.
Ghostie: Cain, I think you need to sit down for a few minutes.
Cain: I’m fine!
Agent [REDACTED]: *Knocks Cain to the ground* He’s lying down. Does that count?
Ghostie: … Not quite what I meant, but it’ll do.
Garrus: *Pins Cain to the ground and activates a “Get out of Retcon Free” card* I don’t care how good a Commando you are. You won’t get out of this for a couple of minutes.
Ghostie: I really wish sensei was here, which is something I’d never thought I’d say.
I was the best fiter
Ghostie: Of course she was. Is anyone surprised by that?
but Prim an Peeta Peeta Peeta Eata
Garrus: So, is he self cannibalistic?
Syl: He might be made of sandwiches now, which kind of makes it a gray area.
Goddess: Now I miss Piesident Snow.
were alls workin hard to an showin there stuff. Haymich was very impress but ATLAS an P-Bodody were not happy.
Ghostie: But they’re never happy unless they’re high off their asses.
“I got un plan to kill Marrissa so we can make Hayman do drugs an beer wit us again!”
Cain: Hate to break it to you, but this fic isn’t witty at all.
Syl: Why would this work? Is Haymitch supposed to get so depressed over the loss of Marrissa that he starts taking drugs and drinking again?
ATALS agitated to P-Body. “But how shes too powearful?”P-Bodied back.
Not a Verb Counter: 499
Ghostie: He did what? Is this like Prim wording?
Cain: I think so?
Garrus: P-Bodied back? What the hell? Is it saying that a new character named “P” Bodied?
“Wen teh trane comes we will get it to run over her!” It was a relay cunnin plan this was bad!
Ghostie: It is not cunning, nor would this be a bad thing.
Syl: But trains don’t run over things at random, they run on tracks. How would they get her onto the tracks?
Garrus: Maybe they’d show her a picture of GLADoS. She’d probably MEGA PAWNCH it.
Syl: Or distract her with something shiny. It works on Ghostie.
Syl: :tosses Batman keychain across the room:
Ghostie: MINE! :dives after keychain:
I shuda nown
Not a Verb Counter: 500
Goddess: Yeah, but you have a tendency to Verb instead.
Ghostie: At least five hundred times so far.
those JERKS cudant be trusted but I was prakistin an didant here them say this.
Not a Verb Counter: 502
Goddess: *Headdesks* That entire scene was in first person? Seriously?
Ghostie: Perspective is just something other authors use.
Cain: Lyle’s going to have an aneurysm.
The trane got heer a about a ours later so I wabed an yelled loud so the trane wood stop an let us on.
Not a Verb Counter: 503
Ghostie: It doesn’t know where to stop? It was sent there specially for them, but didn’t know where they were? There’s a massive train wreck marking the location!
Goddess: This is like *Pulls sunglasses out of SDQF and puts them on* watching a train wreck.
“CHEW CHEW!!!1!~1” The trane said it was…. TOMAS THE TUNK ENJINE
Cain: Oh, god. Thomas the tank engine really is in this fic! Also, when did the train say its name? Show, don’t tell. *Turns head upwards* You can get off of me now.
Garrus: *Gets up*
Cain: *Gets up and dusts off suit*
Syl: That picture of a creepy clown train has become oddly prophetic.
(IN THE FUTUR OF HUNGER GAMES THE TRANES IS ALIVE ROBOTS LIKE GLaDOS AN WHEATLY)
Not a Verb Counter: 503
Ghostie: And suddenly, exposition! In a frickin’ Author’s Note.
Cain: Where else? The fic proper? *Snorts*
Syl: She’s a dreamer, that one is.
Bot ATLAS an P-Body did a robot hak into him to make Toams EVIL AN MEEN he was gonna run me over!
Not a Verb Counter: 504
Ghostie: They robot-hacked the train?
Cain: They haven’t done anything to lure you onto the tracks. WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU STANDING ON THE TRAIN TRACKS! *Takes a deep breath, then slowly lets it out*
Syl: This is the worst murder plot ever. All you have to do to foil it is take a few steps to the side. You could even do the Time Warp while evading certain death.
“GET REDDY TO DYE B*****!!1!!” Tomas yelled lowder than a trex or the moon.
Syl: I know how loud a t. rex can be, because I’ve seen Ghostie’s dragon attempt karaoke, but the moon is silent.
Ghostie: I told Gumdrop he didn’t have the range to do Stayin’ Alive.
ATLAS an P-Body were rollin a round an lollin there robot thins off. The trane was goin 10000000000000050 millon miles per our so I cudant move in time an was gonna die!
Not a Verb Counter: 506
Syl: … That’s really fast.
Cain: Pretty sure I broke the calculator. Also pretty sure Thomas broke the Lightspeed Barrier.
Ghostie: And physics.
“Goodbye Wheatly an Chell Junor, rember I always love u.” I cried limp teers down my fase an wated for the Tomas to kill me but…
Not a Verb Counter: 508
Cain: If she had time to say this, she had time to move.
Ghostie: If he was really going that fast, he could have run her over multiple times before she got the first word out of her mouth.
“OH NO YOU DONT!!” Russianed big fat kid who grab the train. “DIE B********!” Australaned a other guy shottin guns an arrows into Thamass eyes. “Yur not gonna go nowehere ladykiller!” Texased a sort man hoo made a turrent (but not a Portal Labs turrent) to shoot of Tomas weels.
Not a Verb Counter: 512
Ghostie: Russianed? Texased? Sweet mercy, I thought the “britishing” was bad. This is a whole suite of fail.
Syl: One of them was shooting guns and arrows into the robot train’s eyes? Does he have four arms, or do the guns fire arrows?
Cain: Made a turrent? Oh fucking hell. It’s Teen Fortress Two.
I was asaved an Tomas crashed then the crash died. Ho cuda saved me?
Not a Verb Counter: 513
Syl: According to Cain, it’s Teen Fortress Two.
Cain: Yep. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drown my sorrows. And maybe myself. *Walks out*
Agent [REDACTED] Don’t worry about him, I’m omnipresent. I can stop any suicide attempts.
Goddess: The crash died? Well, Tomas is still alive, and possibly upright, since the crash died.
Garrus: Isn’t that redundant?
Ghostie: Oh, no.
Goddess: *Opens comms to the DRD ships that have appeared* Attention, this is not redundant. Read article seventy three of section five hundred sixty two thousand, three hundred and one in your handbook.
Ghostie: There’s a handbook?
Goddess: Yeah, it’s one billion sections in length. Each Section is required by article one, section one to have exactly one thousand articles. Article two, section one, requires each article to be one page long.
Syl: Don’t forget, each section also has a redundant section. Makes the thing twice as long.
Garrus: Two Trillion pages?!
Goddess: And all their new recruits have to read it and memorize it. Twice.
The doost cleered an Effey was sayin “ots ok ever one, we can still use manual drive.”
Not a Verb Counter: 514
Ghostie: The train that was just destroyed – the second train they’ve managed to wreck – still has an operable drive?
Syl: They make ‘em surprisingly durable in this dimension.
I looked at the pepole ho had saved me an they looked at me an we looked at eachotter.
Ghostie: That’s a lot of looking.
TEEN FORTRESS 2!!
Ghostie: Much shock. So surprised.
TO BE CONTINUED!
NEXT CHAPTAR ILL BE A FLASHBACK BOUT HOW JA N K GOT TEEN TORTES 2 BACK SO GET REDDY!
Goddess: No, we really don’t need this. We don’t need a flashback. At all.
Garrus: If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off training as a member of the Agency.
Ghostie: I’m already having flashbacks to ITS MY LIFE. I need hot cocoa and my teddy bear.
Goddess: You have a teddy bear? *Snorts, then puts her hands in her pockets and starts whistling*
Syl: It’s a little blue kitty! It plays “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” when you squeeze the tummy.
Goddess: I believe that this is the perfect point to end this. See you all next time.
*Syl and Ghostie leave*
Cain: *Walks back into the Riffing Room and starts turning the equipment off* Well, that was interesting. Wouldn’t you say, Godd- *Is hit in the back of the head with a Stunstick*
Goddess: *Smirks* Tie him up, Enforcers. *Shoots right behind her as Agent [REDACTED] appears there*
Corporal Jameson: Monitor is locked out of the system, sir!
Cain: *Wakes up* Ugh. What happened? Goddess? Ah, hell.
Goddess: *Smirks* My Enforcers are off slaughtering your minions right now. Soon, the Riffleet will be ours.
Cain: I knew you would betray us, Goddess, but I still hoped you wouldn’t.
Goddess: I’m sorry, but my company must survive.
Cain: Very well. Run program Ubermensch.
Monitor: This. *Appears out of nowhere with dozens of fully armored bodies* Surrender.
Goddess: Hell no! *Teleports to the Archon with the Enforcers*
Cain: Stop them! Now! Agents, secure the Archon!
Monitor: It’s too late, sir. She had agents on the bridge of every ship.
*Three quarters of the fleet jump out, including the Archon*
Cain: Dammit! *Is untied by a Monitor Body* is the Mystic still here?!
Monitor: Yes, sir. Dakota and agig escaped to it.
Cain: And the Osprey?!
Monitor: Here as well. Sem’s crew was handpicked.
Cain: Good. Consolidate our forces, and begin a search. Find Goddess.
Agent [INEXPLICABLE]: *Appears and starts arranging letters he pulls out of the Void* The ship is secure. What about the Stu Ring? Markus is an Awesome McEvil, but if Goddess gets it…
Cain: No. Since she’s an Awesome McEvil, she has to fight him as one. With the Ring he’s more powerful, and can’t be defeated by her. All the same, post a guard detail there.
Agent [INEXPLICABLE]: *Sends the letters back to the void and disappears*
Cain: Well, everyone, this has been Cain from the GNS Somewhere. I’ll try and be back soon with another riff. For now, however, I’m signing off.