1287: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Ten, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Ten
Critiqued at the expense of Alexander Killian by SC and Book Specs

Alex: Can I ask you something?

Shoot.

*Alex flinches*

No, I’m not shooting you, dumbass. Try and keep a handle on that Pavlovian response, would you?

Alex: Uh… right. Anyways, I feel like I’ve been behaving myself better than when I was first brought here, so why are you still doing this?

Pfft! Listen pal, just because you’re playing nice doesn’t meant that I like you any better. Besides, I still have a list of OCs who want a crack at you, and one of them happens to be my riff editor.

*The door to the riffing chamber swings open ominously*

Well, what do you know: my riffing editor.

*Book Specs enters the room, his presence heralded by lightning and thunder*

Alex: …Actually, he doesn’t look that bad.

You’re gonna regret saying that.

Alex: Why?

*Book Specs walks over to Alex and lightly baps him with his staff*

Alex: …Psh, what, that was it? Buddy, compared to the other guys so far, you-

*Alex’s chair topples over sideways, whilst Book Specs produces a rag and buffs the scuff marks left by Alex’s skull out of his staff, lightly smoking from the intensity of the attack*

Alex: -ARE EVEN WORSE!

Told you.

So, hello and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we learned a little bit about why Nago was such a dick before he died, and I had one hell of a time infodumping about the evolution of rifling in firearms.

This week, Book Specs decided he was fed up with Alex and DEMANDED that I let him sit in on this riff. So now my editing is being left in the hands of Shades, because I guess Booky doesn’t trust Specs around his stuff.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in confirmation*

Yep, that’s what I figured.

As with last time Booky was here, he’s equipped with cue cards that have reactionary images printed on them in the event that he needs to communicate something more directly than by adjusting his glasses. So expect there to be a lot of images to edit in, Shades!

[Lovely. -Shades]

So, where are we this week in the riff?

Outside

Huh. Well, that answers that, then.

*Book Specs shrugs*

Alex: Does… does he talk? Like, at all?

Oh, Booky’s a regular chatterbox. He doesn’t use his voice, because he considers us all beneath him, but you can hardly get him to shut up sometimes.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses proudly*

Alex: …Okay, I guess.

As the young outlander quickly stumbled out of the stables he could feel his body heat rise and the sweat rolling down his face. He leaned against wooden fence post and breathed heavily while at the same time trying to fight the pain building up in his arm.

*Book Specs snorts*

He thinks you’re a wuss.

Alex: The hell does he know?! He wasn’t the one who was cursed!

*Book Specs snorts even harder, and is visibly fighting back laughter*

He finds your suffering amusing.

Alex: I guess I see why he’s your editor, now.

Didn’t take long to figure it out, did it?

It was her,

Sled.

Alex: What?

If you didn’t get the reference, I’m not explaining it to you.

he thought to himself, scowling with fury. He then pulled back the right sleeve of his kimono and looked at the black ooze that started to slither out of the band, and encompass his arm. Next, as to come, the gold band branched out, but this time, instead of thin tentacles, it became tentacles with thick pieces of armor that began to attach to his arm.

Oh my God, Stone-Man85, I don’t care! His arm transforming is not so impressive that I need to be given exact details every single time it happens!

Book Specs: 523c52a01605fb1095000045

Alex: No, really, that is starting to get annoying. I don’t see why my author is so fascinated by my arm transforming.

Watch, next comes the part where he compares it to a parasite or something to do with symbioses.

This was something similar as a combination of the Marvel Symbiotes and of the Guyver series.

You know, I kind of had to wonder if Stone-Man85 didn’t maybe pull inspiration for his idiotic demon curse from some anime or another. I had thought it was s-CRY-ed, because of his decision to use orange and yellow (which would have really pissed me off because that’s Kazuma’s turf), but it turns out that there’s actually an anime about bioarmor.

As for the Marvel Symbiotes: You guys know who Venom is, right?

You know, this crazy fucker.

You know, this crazy fucker.

Quick breakdown for those who don’t: Venom is a symbiote in the form of a black Spiderman suit who forcibly takes control of any host body foolish enough to put it on. It was going to be a good guy, but then became a bad guy when Spiderman gave it the boot. Now, imagine a metric fuckton of that guy:

New_Avengers_Vol_1_35_page_--_Symbiotes_(Earth-616)

Yeah.

So, Alex, Stone-Man85 just compared your curse to a violently infectious villain who is sometimes(?) a hero, and anime bioarmor.

Alex: Not sure how I should feel about that.

Booky’s pretty sure about how he should feel.

Book Specs:

Alex: …Gee. Thanks.

The black ooze now began to throb all over his arm, as he grit his teeth, but not in pain… but in furious rage, ‘She’s the one who did this to me!

Booky, can I borrow your staff for a moment?

*Book Specs offers SC his staff; SC takes it and begins wailing on Alex with it*

NO-

*WHAP!*

SHE-

*WHAP!*

IS-

*WHAP!*

NOT!

*CRACK!*

*The final hit sends Alex, bloody and bruised, to the floor; Book Specs’ staff splinters into two pieces*

Oh, now look what you did! You broke Booky’s staff! You’re lucky he keeps spares!

*Book Specs reaches into his pocket and pulls out another staff*

As I said many times before: YOU GOT INVOLVED. THE BLAME LIES WITH YOU. What Eboshi did, she did for her own reasons. It had nothing to do with you until you forced yourself into the situation. Stop pinning your problems on everybody else and own the fact that you fucked up, for once in your life!

*Alex twitches on the floor*

Sorry about your staff, Booky.

*Book Specs shrugs*

Without thinking about what he was doing, Alex clenched his black oozed covered and armored fingers around the post and squeezed. The wood gave off a shudder before it was crushed it into tiny splinters.

Book Specs: robertdowney

Come on Alex, don’t loose it now!‘ The youth ordered himself,

What, your grasp of the English language? You never had that to begin with.

*Alex twitches again*

Oh for fuck’s sake…

*SC snags one of Book Specs’ healing tomes and casts a minor spell over Alex*

Now sit your ass up and quit being a bitch.

Alex: Can’t. Tied to the chair.

Contacts manages just fine, figure it out.

[Contacts cheats and darksteps out of his bindings. -Shades]

[It’s only cheating because you don’t like that it works. -Contacts]

Don’t let this parasitic thing win!’ Don’t let it take control again!

Every time the word parasite is mentioned in this fic, Taco and Lyle hit the bottle again.

As the words coursed through his head the pain gradually diminished until there was none left at all. With a relieved sigh, Alex sank to the ground and sat with his back against the wall of a house, as the ooze melted once again and the armor retracted back into the bracelet.

The more Stone-Man85 talks about how the curse works, the less I give a shit. Seriously, describing it once was enough. You don’t need to do it every single time. That would be like me describing what happens whenever the Specs and Co. remove their respective eyewear every single time. (Hint: they get powered up.)

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses informatively*

Right, you get powered up at the expense of depleting all your stamina, thank you for clarifying.

In an attempt to comfort his companion, Isaac gently brushed against the young human’s arm. “C’mon, Alex,” Isaac encouraged the boy, “The curse may have strength, but you have the will to fight it.”

Is it weird that I’m imagining Isaac screaming that in Shia LaBeouf’s voice?

Alex: Who?

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You somehow know what F-Troop is, but have never heard of Shia LaBeouf.

Alex: The name’s not ringing any bells.

I can’t even with you. Booky, hit him, please.

*WHAP!*

Alex: Ow!

*Book Specs glares disdainfully at Alex as a goose egg forms on his head where the Archwizard hit him*

“Thanks for the words of wisdom,” Alex stroked the small animal’s fur affectionately. ‘What the hell am I supposed to do now?‘ he thought.

If it were my decision, curl up in a ball and die. Unfortunately, it’s Stone-Man85’s decision, so that’s not a thing.

Alex: Thank Go-

*BKAM!*

That’s not a thing, in the fic.

*Book Specs offers a high five, which SC accepts kindly*

“You there! Outlander!” Someone called out to him.

Get you the hot bullets of shotgun to die!

*Book Specs shakes his head*

Hey, I could’ve made a worse joke, let’s be honest.

*Alex respaw-*

*…Nevermind*

You have to at least let him come back to life before killing him again, Booky, otherwise the point of this is lost.

Ale

*Book Specs smiles hopefully*

Sorry, the author meant Alex.

*Book Specs sighs glumly*

looked up to see the guard captain, Gonza approaching him. The burly man’s bearded face was twisted into a tight-lipped glower and his eyes glared with authority.

I’ve seen Gonza’s authoritative face. It’s nothing impressive, honestly. But then again, as we’ve established, he’s kind of a joke as far as guard captains go.

*Alex respawns*

Alex: What happened? All I remember was seeing a bright light, and then I was dead again!

I don’t know what you’re talking about. You must be crazy. (*snerk*)

Alex shook his head a groaned quietly, ‘Now what?

Now you’re thinking with portals!

*Bop!*

Sorry, couldn’t stop myself.

*Book Specs glares disgustedly at SC*

Gonza stopped a few steps away from Alex and snuffed, “Milady Eboshi and Princess Yashahime wishes to meet with you now,” he said. “I’ve been ordered to bring you to her at once.”

“Some other time, Captain,” Alex replied, “I’m not really in the mood.” He then stood up and walked passed Gonza, Tell her that I’ll meet with her tomor…”

Gonza’s hand shot out and clamped down of the dark haired youth’s shoulder, “Milady wishes to meet with you now, boy,” he growled.

Let me just spell this out for you, Alex: Would you like to meet Eboshi and Yashahime? Circle one: Yes/Yes.

Alex: No-

*BKAM!*

Not an option, stupid.

Alex glared at the older man, narrowing his eyes. He then looked down at Isaac who gave him another one of those ‘looks’. “Fine,” he said, “Just lead the way.”

To hell? Sure!

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in a correcting manner*

Oh, my bad, you meant to Eboshi’s place.

With a triumphant smirk,

Anybody else feel the ground shaking?

Alex: Oh no.

When’d you respawn?

Alex: I don’t think that’s important right now.

Gonza led the young outlander through the congested Iron town complex. They stopped as soon as they came to a lavish two story house, illuminated by the orange glow of burning torches. Next to the large pyramid shaped building, which Alex had learned was the actual iron-works, this house was probably Iron Town’s largest structure.

Well… yeah. It would have to be. The local nobility lives there, do you really think they’d settle for economy housing?

Alex: Well, no, but that doesn’t meant I can’t be impressed by it.

Eh, fair enough.

Alex whistled with astonishment, “I’m guessing that this is Lady Eboshi’s place, right?” he asked.

Gonza grunted, “You guess correctly, Outlander.”

You know, because it could totally be anybody else’s place in a town full of shit-shacks and forges.

He then gave Alex a quick shove forward. “And she and Princess Yashahime are waiting for you inside.”

They approached the house’s main gate which was guarded by two of the cheesy looking ninja that Alex saw flanking Gonza when he had first arrived.

*A butter stick barely misses Alex’s head*

The ninjas are after your blood, boy.

Alex: Thank God their aim sucks!

You think they missed because they have bad aim?

20150302210606-laughter-laughing-better

The two men looked straight at Alex, their narrowed eyes glinting and their hands clutching the hilts of their swords. When they saw Gonza step in front of the young outlander they immediately relaxed and bowed.

“Good evening, honored captain,” The one on the left said, his words slightly muffled by the black mask covering his face.

The other guard added, “We were not expecting your return to be so soon.”

Alex shook his head. ‘Did I hear somebody say, ‘Brown-Nosers’?‘ He chuckled, ‘Nah, there guys would probably fit better under the brown-noser category.

Oh, well so-rry that those guards know to respect the authority that is their immediate superior officer, unlike you, you fuckball.

Alex:You’re seriously trying to tell me that those guys weren’t kissing up?

I’m not trying, I AM telling you that. It’s no surprise that you can’t tell the difference, given that your first response when presented with authority is to be a little bitch. How have you managed to not land yourself in jail for seventeen years, exactly?

*Alex sputters in offense*

Oh dear, Booky, looks like the engine’s having trouble. You think maybe hitting it will fix things?

*WHAP!*

Alex: OW!

Hey, look at that! It worked!

“The Lady Eboshi is waiting in her chambers,” the first guard said, “Is the outlander armed, sir?”

“No, the girls took his sword along with the rest of his supplies and clothing,” Gonza answered. “I think it’s safe to assume that he’s not dangerous.”

They also took your manhood, I’m pretty sure.

Alex: You know, I can’t say that I disagree with you there. I was quite numb in that area for a while afterwards.

Hey, you and Booky finally have something to commiserate with each other over! Girls are after his virginity, too!

*Book Specs shudders*

Specifically, it’s between a woman who used to be a cat and a sexually-flexible space pirate lady.

Alex: …What?

I’m afraid you did, indeed, hear me correctly.

He then turned around and gestured for the dark-haired youth to follow.

I keep forgetting you have black hair!

Alex: How?

I DON’T KNOW!

Before Alex reached the gate, the guards shot their arms out in front of him, blocking his path. “Is there a problem gentlemen?” he asked cocking an eyebrow.

“Animals are forbidden beyond this point,”

Huh? Animals? What animals?

*Book Specs gestures behind the group*

…Oh.

Alex: Huh. Is that in your playli-?

Yes, and I don’t know why.

one of the guards retorted coldly as one of them pointed to Isaac. “Have your people no sense of cleanliness?”

Hey, Isaac is very hygienic!

*Muffled screaming and running water*

Rose, from the washroom: Stop being a little bitch and get in the tub!

Not necessarily because he chooses to be.

“Some,” Alex said, equally cold. “But I guess none that would live up to your standards though.”

You have no idea.

IMG_20151217_143053

He lowered himself to one knee and patted Isaac on the head. “Sorry, Isaac, but you’re gonna have to wait this one out. Think you can keep yourself occupied for the time being?”

The fox-squirrel yipped then scurried off into the crowds of villagers.

“…The screaming that soon came from the forges indicated that what he had decided to occupy his time doing was better left unsaid.”

*Book Specs gags*

Gonza and the two guards could only stare at what had just transpired before them. There was only one other human they knew of who could talk to an animal like that and receive the desired results, and that was the Princess Mononoke. The similarity between Alex and the wolf-girl caused Gonza’s doubt and suspicion to rise.

Similarities? Oh, don’t you wish.

Alex: I think we’re very similar!

She’s a girl who was raised by wolves to violently despise all humans just because they were born human. She murders people on a regular basis for the hell of it. You’re the son of a doctor and accidentally maimed a bunch of guys who actually deserved it, then went and moped about it for hours. What similarities am I supposed to be seeing, here? You both wear fur and talk to animals? So what? I have an OC who does that too, hell, I’ll bring him in next week!

Just what are you really after, Outlander?‘ he asked in his mind. ‘Are you really all you claim to be? Or is there something that you’re hiding?

He may or may not be blaming you for shit that’s only your fault by proxy.

Alex: You seriously aren’t going to let that go, are you?

No, I’m fucking not! Because it’s the stupidest thing ever!

He ground his teeth and grunted. “If you don’t mind, Outlander,” he growled. “I would like to keep My Lady or the Princess from waiting any longer than she needs to.”

It’s “Milady,” Gonza. Get it right. Even though that’s also technically right.

Alex nodded then proceeded towards the gate, which was now open. As Gonza followed him, he stepped closer to the guards and whispered. “Don’t let your guard down for even a second,” he said, “I don’t trust this outlander for boar shit.”

Language, Gonza! There are children reading this!

By which I mean Alex, because he’s the only one here who isn’t a legal adult yet.

Alex: Ugh.

“Yes, sir,” the both replied quickly, bowing once again. When the guard captain was through the gate, they closed it behind him.

And we’ll call it good there.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I was going to bring in Bifocals or someone like her next, but I guess I can detour for a week to make good on my claims to bring in that other OC I mentioned. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Book Specs and at the expense of Alexander Killian, I’ll see you next time!

…Hey, count yourself lucky that Booky didn’t use any of his magic against you. He totally could have.

*Book Specs grins viciously*

Alex: Why’d you have to go and tell him that?!

Well, this is about to get violent.

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46 Comments on “1287: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Ten, Part Three”

  1. Syl says:

    *The door to the riffing chamber swings open ominously*

    Well, what do you know: my riffing editor.

    *Book Specs enters the room, his presence heralded by lightning and thunder*

    [fans self] I love a man who knows how to make an entrance.

  2. Syl says:

    Specifically, it’s between a woman who used to be a cat and a sexually-flexible space pirate lady.

    What did you just call me?!?

  3. *Book Specs enters the room, his presence heralded by lightning and thunder*

    Monitor Body: You know, I’m seeing the benefits of a human body. You can do that with no tech helping you.

    So now my editing is being left in the hands of Shades

    Monitor Body: Of course, if you were an AI, you could still edit these things.

  4. Monitor: Now that we’ve gotten those two things sorted out, I need to have an intellectual discussion with the only organic who can hope to match me.

  5. He finds your suffering amusing.

    Cain: Same here. So does Dakota. For that matter, Sem and agig do as well. And- you know what, I’m just going to stop right here and say that everyone does.

  6. [Contacts cheats and darksteps out of his bindings. -Shades]

    [It’s only cheating because you don’t like that it works. -Contacts]

    Diesel: When I was in Infiltrator training, I would always use the force to escape things and then grab the biggest, most obvious weapon I could find. I would then proceed to kill all the simulated enemies with it. Probably why I didn’t pass Infiltrator training.

    Dakota: Exactly why. You were the worst member of our class, and he often mentioned it.

  7. In other news, we gave a rudimentary drinking game on the TVtropes page. Help would be nice.

  8. Now you’re thinking with portals!

    Diesel: What kind of portals? I mean, we have magical portals, SDQF Entryways, Formless Transportation Orifices, Slip-

    Dakota: Tara. Tara, you’re over thinking things again.

    Diesel: Sorry.

  9. Oh, well so-rry that those guards know to respect the authority that is their immediate superior officer, unlike you, you fuckball.

    Dakota: Honestly, even the General knows when to respect the Admiral.

  10. (Ahem. You know I’m still actually a member in universe, right? -agig the author)

  11. Specifically, it’s between a woman who used to be a cat and a sexually-flexible space pirate lady.

    Cain: Pretty sure there’s another one. She’s a total bitch and a perfect shot. You get three guesses.

    • SC says:

      Nah, she doesn’t count because she accidentally got banished into the void.

      • Swenia says:

        And I take my guard duties very seriously to make sure she accidentally stays in her time-out.

        • Cain: So, wait, she was running her company from the void? Damn, that takes skill. Also, Swenia, she already got out in The Marissa Games Chapter Five and stole three-fourths of my Fleet. Honestly, whoever decided it was a good idea to make me let her run around the fleet with not bindings was a moron.

      • Swenia says:

        So long as she only messes up the fleet; that one is on the “allowed” checklist for her walkies. See, right here under “Falcon Punching Diesel.” I’ve had Marcus and Stupard on deck to keep on eye on exercise time just in case it starts to spill over.

        If you’ve gotta keep an eye on a Sue, gotta bring in the ultimate Stus to keep watch, right? No matter how insufferable they are.

        *Markus holds up his trophy in the background*

        “Don’t forget me! I’ve got one too!”

        Yes, boys, we’re all very impressed that you both won Biggest Stu awards.

  12. TacoMagic says:

    So, where are we this week in the riff?

    Outside

    *Shuts the door*

    Actually, let’s not go outside today. ‘Tis a silly place.

  13. Swenia says:

    *Book Specs reaches into his pocket and pulls out another staff*

    Hey! Books shops at the same place I do!

  14. TacoMagic says:

    ‘Come on Alex, don’t loose it now!‘

    NOOOO! Emergency 1031, we have a confirmed 1031 event! We’re missing a crucial comma of address!

    *Siren Wails*

    *Darkwraiths rush in, coat Taco in sour cream, and put a polkadot bowtie on him.*

    I’m not sure that’s the appropriate response, guys.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    With a triumphant smirk, Gonza led the young outlander through the congested Iron town complex.

    BAAAAAAA!

    *Cerbersheep charges through the lobby*

    *gonz*

    Really? Can't even gong correctly? Gonza, you just can't catch a break, can you?

  16. TacoMagic says:

    They approached the house’s main gate which was guarded by two of the cheesy looking ninja that Alex saw flanking Gonza when he had first arrived.

    We uh… *looks around nervously* don’t talk about the cheese clan.

    Not since the grilled cheese incident.

  17. "Lyle" says:

    Every time the word parasite is mentioned in this fic, Taco and Lyle hit the bottle again.

    Actually, he probably does have a parasite by now, just not whatever the fuck is going on with his arm. He’s been tromping around ancient Japan, eating the local food and drinking the local water. If he doesn’t at least have a roundworm chewing on his intestines, I’d be incredibly surprised.


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