1284: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-FivePosted: December 30, 2015
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
Welp, this is it, we’re finally here. The last chapter.
“That means I get my Wednesdays back, right?”
For the time being, yes. Eliza hasn’t had as much face time in the riffs as you or Crunchy, so I’m planning on making my next big collaboration with her.
“You’re stealing my babysitter!?”
Maybe you could ask Shad-
*Panicked screaming echoes in from the hallway*
Um, well, I’m sure you’ll find somebody.
“Ugh, fine. I guess I’ll handle the recap this week. Last time, uh, did anything happen?”
Let’s go look.
*Ten minutes of reading the last riff later*
“Ah right, that stupid-ass dream sequence with Stanky’s mom. Then the party hangs out on an island for a bit, and nothing important really happens except they go from one part of the island to another part of the island. The new part has a town and a port on it or something. And then we started drinking.”
Yeah, it gets really hazy after the drinking bit.
“I vaguely remember making a pass at… somebody and getting shut down because I was a little steaming drunk.”
I think it was Markus. Again.
“Damn, I need to drink in a place where I can hit on a greater variety of people.”
Anyway, let’s see what we have this week!
Chapter XXXV: Reunion in Funeo
“That sounds riveting.”
What, you expect it to suddenly become interesting?
“Was kind of hoping that the final chapter would be at least a little.”
As the sound of the busy market place began to ring throughout Stryfe’s ears, Stryfe noticed Pete racing ahead of them, an excited look was in plain sight across his face.
Wuf! *Rubs throat* The hell is that about? Now it’s changing sound.
“I dunno. Mine never did that.”
Seeing him happy made Stryfe give off a slight smirk as he walked over to catch up.
*Gumdrop bursts through the wall*
“No, no, big guy, you hit the fic, not Taco.”
“Was that really the best Foley for that we could come up with?”
Pete: We’re here! Fueno! Stryfe, Meru, Dart, Rose, thank you so much!
“Pete, you can just say ‘Thanks guys’ or something instead of giving us an itemized list of the cast.”
Stryfe: Aww, it was nothing, kid.
Which is true. It was nothing. They walked through a cave without incident.
“He might also be talking about the fic as a whole. ‘It was nothing’ is about the best summary I’ve seen.”
Meru: We just love lending a helping hand when we can. *giggles*
Dart: Miss, you better get well soon and make Pete happy.
“Because fuck her if she wants to get better so that she doesn’t feel like shit all the time. Nope, gotta be about Pete.”
Pete’s Mother: I will.
Pete: I hope you can find your friends soon!
Stryfe: Me too…
Spoilers: they do.
“Can’t really be a spoiler when the title is ‘Reunion in Funeo’.”
Just as Pete left for the local clinic with his mother and Pooch, he ran back, looking like he wanted to say something.
“He didn’t want to say anything, of course, but he sure looked like it.”
Pete: Rose! Meru! You two gotta confess to Dart and Stryfe!
Rose: You little…!
Oh right, gotta dredge up that bit again. See, author, this is why just cramming your character into every scene doesn’t work. The original point of this whole exchange was to be funny because the kid and his mom totally misconstrue Rose and Dart as a couple when, in fact, they have aboslutely no romantic interest in each other. Dart because he’s interested in Shana, and Rose because she was in a romantic relationship with Dart’s father and is still holding a torch for him. Plus, a relationship with his son would be more than a little weird.
The fact that Meru is Stanky’s designated penis decoration really makes the joke fall flat because it isn’t a joke with them, rather it’s just another painful reference to their juvenile ‘relationship’.
As Rose raced after him, Pete immediately ran over to the clinic.
“Get him, Rose! Make him cry!”
Dude, harsh much?
“Pete is really getting on my last nerve.”
Stryfe then heard Rose chuckle a bit as she watched the kid disappear into the entrance.
“Little jerks, amirite?”
Stryfe: You okay, Meru?
Meru: Y-Yeah. It’s just…I…
“The author wants us to fuck but the thought of you touching me makes me want to heave.”
Meru: Stryfe…I never said thank you…for diving after me back there…
Uhh, why thank him? He didn’t save you, all he did was add his name to the list of people who got stranded on the island. Is profound stupidity really something we should be thanking him for?
Stryfe: Uh…Um…S-Sure. Don’t mention it.
“Great! We won’t.”
Dart: Come on, you two. Let’s see if the others are around here.
“Thank God that comma is there.”
Rose: The Queen’s Fury should still be docked at the port.
I’d hope so, it’s only been what, a day since you fell off it? Generally speaking, it takes a few days at port to get equipped for another sea voyage.
Heading into the city to ask for directions to the port, the group was eventually pointed in the right direction thanks to some tourists. When they arrived at the dock, Stryfe saw Kayla and Puler having a conversation when Kayla saw the four off the corner of her eye. Stryfe then saw a look of complete amazement appear across her face, with her father quickly noticing what she was seeing.
Author, stop. Your mangling of facial expressions and abuse of the first person perspective are really starting to make me stabby. Pick up a few good first person books, read them, and take some fucking notes on how to not totally suck at writing.
Puler: I’ll be a seagull’s egg…
“Okay… Uh, can I still be me?”
Nope, gotta pick something ocean themed. I’ll be a narwhal.
“Dammit! That’s what I was gonna pick! Fine, I’ll be a penguin.”
Kayla: Mister Stryfe! Miss Meru! Mister Dart! Miss Rose!
You know what, fuck it, I’m gonna count this because it keeps happening.
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 102
Dart: Sorry to have made you worry.
Puler: It’s good to see that the four of you are save.
How? How do you make a misspelling when copying straight from the game script?
“Maybe it’s like when you cheat on a test and give yourself some wrong answers to make it look legitimate.”
Not sure you can really do tht in a fic that’s mostly plagiarization.
Meru: It’ll take more than a ship sinking to bring us down.
Kayla: Oh! Did you see Miss Shana!?
Dart: N-No, we didn’t.
Kayla: Please, you must go see her, Mister Dart! She hasn’t spoken a word since you disappeared!
“Did her voice fall overboard as well?”
Probably. It was a ghost ship, after all.
Dart: Is she on the boat!?
“NO, TACO, DON’T-”
Puler: Everyone is in the city now!
Rose: Well, we shouldn’t keep them waiting.
Stryfe: Good idea.
Thank you, Stanky, you having lines where you agree with people really adds a ton to this fic.
“Yes it does.”
As the four raced away from the dock, Meru accidentally bumped into a passing civilian.
Meru: OWW! Don’t you have eyes!?
That awkward moment when you bump into a blind person.
“Meru!? Is that you!?”
Stryfe: Hey! Haschel!
The old warrior quickly got up, a look of relief and happiness across his face upon seeing that the four were alive.
New rule: You aren’t allowed to use facial expressions, author.
“In fact, just stop writing in general.”
Actually, he does!
His look then changed to a one of realization, as he knew that there was someone who especially wanted to hear the news.
Haschel really does enjoy Huey Lewis, he just doesn’t often find somebody else who shares his enthusiasm for listening to The Heart of Rock ‘n Roll.
Haschel: Quickly! Follow me! Shana needs to see you!
“If you don’t hurry, she’ll be quiet for a few extra minutes!”
Stryfe: Lead on, old man!
Okay, young moron.
Following Haschel to one of the hotels near the clinic, once the four entered the hotel, they were immediately greeted by Albert and Kongol, who too had a look of relief and happiness upon seeing that Stryfe, Meru, Dart and Rose were alive and well.
Wahf! *Rubs throat* Holy fuck, that sentence. There’s so much mechanically wrong with it that I have no idea how to even. I have no even. If I were proofing this pile a shit, well, I’d have just crossed the whole fic out and wrote ‘Don’t steal, Mmmkay?’ on the first page, but this sentence would be highlighted, underlined, and circled with an arrow pointing to the words, ‘Never write anything like this again.’ It’s fundamentally irreparable; deleting and writing something else is the only way forward, here.
Albert: Welcome back!
Stryfe: You guys…
“Why does getting a welcome back merit that response?”
Well, Stanky hadn’t said anything in almost five seconds, so he just needed to hear his own voice again to make sure he still loved the sound.
Haschel: We honestly were tired of waiting for you!
You were gone a whole day! We couldn’t cope!
“This is why I’m not a dog person.”
Where did you get that drum, anyway?
Does everyone around here work for them in some capacity?
“You can’t argue with the pay. Plus they have a community comma trough that you’re allowed to take from whenever you want.”
Is that where all the commas keep going!?
Meru: Oh, thanks a lot for that!
Kongol: You, die? Impossible.
You’re core characters. You’re not allowed to die!
“Except for Lavitz, who died.”
Which is totally different from when Stanky said ‘you guys…’ earlier.
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 103
“Also, it was pointed out that we missed one of those a few weeks ago, so we may as well add it in now.”
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 104
Rose: Dart, you can catch up later.
Stryfe: Someone’s waiting for you, Dart.
Meru: Hurry! Go see Shana.
Albert: She is upstairs in the back room.
Now we really get to see how dedicated to plot regurgitation the author is. By the limitations of point of view, Stanky shouldn’t know what is about to happen because he wouldn’t, and shouldn’t, be there for the reunion between Dart and Shana.
While Dart raced upstairs to see Shana, Stryfe and Meru sat down at one of the tables, eager to at least relax a bit before the group got moving again.
“On the one hand, I think it’s safe to say that we’re both surprised that the author managed to hold himself back from injecting Stanky into that scene with Dart. On the other, now we’re going to get to see another inept romance scene between Stanky and his crotch ornament.”
Honestly, I think I’d have been happier with the plot regurgitation. At least then we wouldn’t have to suffer through PoS trying to write his own dialogue.
Stryfe quickly noticed Meru leaning closer to him, causing him to blush a bit having her so close to him.
“Ugh, my gorge is already rising.”
Break out the vodka. I think we need a few before we finish this chapter.
*An hour of drinking later*
I think we’re ready for this. I can’t feel my lips, which is a good sign.
“I’ll never be ready, but we might as well finish it while my legs are numb.”
Wait, you’re a super solider, how do you drunk?
“PCC whiskey, it works when you need it to.”
Meru: It’s Rose, Stryfe. Haven’t you noticed?
Stryfe: Noticed? Noticed what, Meru?
Fuck me, but does the author really think we’r so stupid that this plot point needs to be spelled out and spoon fed to us!? In the game, it just happens and it’s up the player to notice!
“He’s just being realistic about who would actually read this.”
Mmm, fair point.
Stryfe glanced at Rose, who was sitting at the bar nearby. He noticed that she had a calm demeanor and was even smiling a bit, as opposed to the times before where she seemed tense and showed no emotion on her face whatsoever.
“Here comes the airplane! Is the good little audience enjoying their plot? Who’s my good little reader?”
The feels practiced. Jiwe?
“It always seems idiotic until you’re trying to get a baby to eat liver.”
GUMDROP LOVE LIVER! BEST COOKIE!
“I’ll admit he makes great liver cookies.”
Stryfe began to see why Meru said what she did, as this was indeed unusual for Rose.
We iz stooopid audience. Need plot on shingle.
Stryfe then noticed Meru looking at the upstairs entrance, seeing an eager grin on her face. He shook his head slowly and smiled.
They’re having so much sex up there.
“I wish we could be watching that instead of this.”
Do you really want to read a sex scene written by PoS?
“ACK!” *Swenia tosses back her drink and quickly refills it* “That was close, I almost imagined what reading that would be like.”
Stryfe: Don’t even think about it.
Meru: Think about what?
“All the sex? Why not? Sex is damn fun, and watching sex is pretty entertaining, too.”
I think it’s a bit more fun when the people you’re watching are on board with it.
“True enough. I’ve never really been into having an audience, myself.”
I feel there’s a story there, but I know for a fact that I don’t want to hear it.”
Stryfe: Meru…why don’t you just stay here with me?
Stryfe: Just being here with you…that makes me happy.
Meru: Oh Stryfe…
*Taco and Swenia simultaneously toss back their drinks*
We need something stronger. Try adding in some of that new Brain Bleach mixer. It’s in the bottom drawer behind the pile of old counters.
After a while, Dart came down to the dining area with Shana close behind him. Stryfe was happy to see that she was smiling again, after being told by Albert that she hasn’t said one thing once since the Ghost Ship Incident.
Well, that’s different. This is something that’s conceptually awkward. Stanky never saw Shana while she was upset about Dart potentially being dead. All he had to go on was being told that she hasn’t said anything and has assumed she was extremely upset. Yet, he’s happy to see her smiling again. I mean, sure, it’s kind of logical, you would assume she didn’t smile during the silence, but at the same time it’s really awkward. It’s something that should never have been brought up in the prose. At least not in this way.
“It would have been less strange to just have him happy to see her again. But even then, it’s only been a day. I suppose just being relieved that she seems fine would have been the least awkward thing to pull off, here.”
Yeah, it’s another case of kind of understanding what the author was going for, but that the lack of writing ability really prevents it from happening.
Stryfe, Meru, Dart and Rose then explained to the rest of the group what they’ve been through up until then, bringing them up to speed on what happened.
While I do appreciate not getting exposition that revisits the last chapter, you still get one of these:
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 105
Albert: Well, not only that, but you four are safe and sound. It’s just a miracle that the eight of us can meet again. We have to offer our thanks to the Tiberoan God.
Stryfe: Tch, sorry Albert. But I don’t believe in that “god” stuff.
Keep your fucking tract out of the godsdammed fic, author. We don’t give a shit what Stanky thinks about theology. Especially when he’s being this much of an ass about it.
Dart: Well, we can return the favor to the country by taking the Moon Dagger back.
Haschel: We have to catch Lenus then.
“I love how everyone reacts to Stanky there. Like they’re ignoring him because they know nothing useful ever comes out of his mouth.”
It’s a weird little side-effect. The author being too lazy to significantly alter the dialogue really does highlight how unimportant anything that Stanky says is and how little the canon cast really cares about it.
Stryfe: We will. I know we will.
Stanky would make a very skilled corporate yes man in a modern setting.
Now that the group was back together, they decided to ask around the city for any information about Lenus. After looking around for a bit, Stryfe and Meru were wandering around the entrance to the city when they noticed a group of people gathered around a very drunk individual.
Which one of us is in there?
“Hope it isn’t me. The last fic I was in had a hate boner for me.”
Stryfe: Err…what’s going on over here?
Drippy: You, you don’t believe me either!? *hick*
Funeo town drunk. He’s basically there to hand you the plot coupon for where you’re going next.
Meru: Believe what?
Drippy: I really saw it! I saw a Dragon on the Prison Island!
“Ah yes, I see now.”
Right, how silly of us.
Drippy: You don’t know that?! *Hick* My ship was smashed by the Sea Dragon rumored to live in the Undersea Cavern! I gotta have a dclink or something!
Meru: So the monster that Pete was worried about…was a Dragon!?
“Not just any dragon. But a dragon that was nowhere near where the kid thought it was.”
Drippy: But! You cannot go stheler anymore! There are lots of *hick* monsters there! My house was taken by those monsters half a year ago! It’s all those montslers faults that I’m like this slnow. Give me back my house you-
“Wait, so he used to live on Prison Island?”
It’s canon, but strange. Doubly so because “Prison Island” is actually the name of the underground maze where you fight the dragon.
As the drunken man fell to the ground in a drunken stupor, Stryfe and Meru rendezvoused with the rest of the group to tell them of what they learned.
Dammit, we were so close, too!
“Don’t worry about it, Eliza has Jiwe in his little sailor suit this morning.”
Crisis averted, then.
Now that they knew that their next destination was actually where Stryfe, Meru, Dart and Rose were stranded, the group left Funeo and headed back to Lidiya…
And with that ellipsis, the fic finally peters out. At this point it’s time for a little audience participation!
“That’s right! You, the patrons, can help us out in a little project. See, this fic is 90% pure plagiarization. We entreat all of you to take a few minutes out of your day and go report this thing. In fact, here’s a link to it so you don’t have to scroll back up to the top. It’ll probably amount to nothing because the FF.net moderators are pretty useless in general, but it wouldn’t be the first fic that the Library has gotten taken down for rule violations!”
That’s right! You all helped with bringing down the InsaneDoctor fic for that pedophilia scene. But, as for my riff of Legend of Dragoon, IT’S DONE! Finally we get to move on from the stunningly uninteresting fic and find something else to tackle.
“Gonna annoy everyone with another fic that features a human/animal relationship or anthropomorphs?”
Mmm, maybe. Truth be told, despite the complaints those seem to do a lot better and be more interesting, so I suppose I could make it my thing. Like 80% of my childhood is cartoon animals, so I’ve got a lot to draw on. Though, as per usual, I’ll be ringing in the new year with a month or two of one-shots. And since I’ve completely drained my pool of one-shots from the last set I did, I’ll just be posting up whatever takes my fancy at the time.
Anyway, I want to take the opportunity to thank Swenia for sitting in on this massive project. I’m sure we’ll see her back from time to time in the future.
“I’m beside myself with excitement over that prospect.”
*Swenia and Taco look to the left*
Oh, and thanks to Gumdrop for stepping in and handling Cerbs job while he’s away on business.
“This is Taco and Swenia signing off! Later, patrons!”