1280: Courier’s Effect: A Short Story Of My Beginnings – Chapters One, Two, Three, and FourPosted: December 27, 2015
Title: Courier’s Effect: A Short Story Of My Beginnings
Media: Video Games
Topic: Mass Effect / Fallout
Genre: Humor / Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SuperFeatherYoshi
Ladies and gentlemen, this is SuperFeatherYoshi, and I have finally returned from my year long hiatus! And I did not return empty handed.
Today we are going to take a look at Courier’s Effect, a Fallout/Mass Effect crossover. And boy oh boy is it awful. The sheer amount of research failures puts Hammer Effect to shame. It also features arguably one of the biggest Mass Effect self-insert Stu the library has ever seen, whose Stuness, in my humble opinion, is second only to good ol’ 23.
So, let’s begin, shall we?
*Chapter 1*: Courier’s Effect: A Short Story Of My Beginnings
The story starts with the standard “I own nothing” disclaimer, there’s nothing interesting except the part at the end:
All references to any games, tv shows, and books do not belong to me, and once again, belong to their respective owners. Thanks.
I have a really, really bad feeling about this…
The Courier’s Effect Chapter 1: Introductions My name is Jack ******
Wow, that is one profane family name… Unless that’s supposed to be the author’s real name, and he’s replacing it with asterisks to avoid giving away his full name …Which is just dumb. Couldn’t you just use a different name for your self-insert? Hell, why can’t you just use your real name? It’s not like you’re the only person with that name on the whole planet.
Still, considering the quality of this fic, not posting his full name online may be the smartest decision this author makes in this whole story.
I was on a hell of an adventure. One massive one, that spanned around, well, a lot of years, before it all ended. Everything that I did, had a consequence.
… That has gotta be one of the dumbest attempts at sounding dramatic I’ve ever heard. Everything you did had a consequence? Well, duh! Every decision by everyone, no matter how small, has consequences!
“Should I save the hostages or catch the terrorist that kidnapped them?” Consequences!
“Should I spend my credits on upgrading my shield or my omni-tool?” Consequences!
“Should I order soup or salad?” Consequences!
You need to be a lot more specific than “everything that I did”.
I fell in love, I was betrayed,
I made good friends, bad enemies. But most of all, a hell of a time.
You “made a hell of a time”? What?
This, this is my story in the Mass Effect universe.
“That, that is my story in the Battlefield Earth universe.”
It all started on a regular Tuesday night, finishing off Fallout NV Dead Money DLC.
“WHAT?! I HAD A STEALTH BOY ON AND HE STILL SAW ME!? Goddamit, I freaking hate this DLC. Well, more Elijah. Damned OP jerk.” I said to myself frustated, it was a regular game night. I was finishing off my t-bone steak when I decided no more Fallout NV. Dead Money was a freaking awesome story filled DLC but flipping annoying in combat,
Yeah, Dead Money is guilty of that. For those of you who don’t know, Dead Money is the first DLC for Fallout: New Vegas. Without spoiling too much, its finale involves sneaking away from a casino vault without being detected by Elijah, the DLC’s main antagonist.
However, the player has to take the long way to reach the casino elevator (the way you came in, full of all kinds of death traps), if you try to take the short way (the way Elijah came in), he activates the vault’s security system and you’ll have to fight him. Since this is scripted, even if you have the highest sneak skill possible, plus a Stealth Boy (a wearable device that turns you invisible), Elijah still activates the security. Yep, the game can be a cheating bastard sometimes.
Of course, the writer doesn’t bother explaining any of that. Also, the DLC is awesome, but you freaking hate it? Make up your mind!
Plus, you really shouldn’t be eating a steak of all things while playing Dead Money. It gets you killed.
it was nearly impossible. If your health was reduced to lower than 25 percent, it was so hard to find healing supplies. I should’ve followed my mate’s suggestions and got the Couriers Stash when I was in Sierra Madre. But nooooooo, I just had to download it before Dead Money.
Ehhh… Did you play the same DLC that I did? Sure, one of the main reason Dead Money was so infamously hard was because it forces you to work with extremely limited equipment and supplies, but it really isn’t that hard to get healing supplies by the late games, especially if you’ve already reached the casino vault. There are casino chips and vending machines all over the world space (there’s even one in the vault), and you can use those vending machines to buy all kinds of medical supplies.
Anyways I feel like playing something else…I feel like killing some Geth jerks. I get up, and pressed the open tray button on my Xbox 360, and clean off my Mass Effect disc. That’s when I noticed that something was up. My fingers were, well blue. Like an Asari. Damn, I’m such a geek.
“My fingers are blue -> I’m such a geek”
What do those two statements have to do with each other?!
Probably just tired. I had done a blood donation today, so I’m proably feeling a bit eurgh.
Feeling a bit “eurgh”? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Also, if you’ve done a blood donation, you really shouldn’t be staying up late playing video games.
I put in the disc in my Xbox 360 and closed the tray when i realised that now it wasn’t just my hands that were blue, it was now my arms.
What? You’re still planning on playing the game? Stop it, you idiot! Lie down! Drink some water! Call a doctor! Mass Effect is a good game, but it’s not worth it if your body stops working!
I blinked, but the blueness was still there. I pinched my cheek to see if I was just simply falling asleep but nope, I was wide awake. I sat back down on my leather couch when I felt like I was falling.
“AHHHHHHHH, THE HELL?!”
Everything went black.
Well, that was a short one. Well, see you guys next time! SuperFeatherYoshi, signing off!
You guys aren’t leaving are you?
Oh, who am I kidding, of course this crap isn’t over!
*Bangs head against wall*
Chapter 2: Rude Awakenings.
“Eurgh. Goddamit, my head feels like a ripe melon, ready to explode.”
I open my eyes to see a very unfamiliar surroundings, a room of steel and grey dullness. I look around and see a quite familiar thing, my reflection of what seems a one-way window. It looks like a…police holding cell?
Eh… Do police holding cells usually have one-way windows? According to pictures from the web, they generally look like this:
I don’t see any one-way windows.
“I look around and see a quite familiar thing, my reflection of what seems a one-way window.”
What is that sentence even supposed to mean? To quote Ert’s Hammer Effect review, it feels like an alien trying to imitate English for the first time.
Huh, maybe I got drunk last night and the cops arrested me for somethin. Damn, my mom would kick my ass into the moon if she knew…oh God, please tell me she doesn’t know…I hear a click, like a door opening, then a hiss. I look at where I think the door is,
“…and it turned out that the door’s on the other side. I’m kind of stupid like that.”
and I nearly freak the hell out. I could not believe it…It was a TURIAN. My mind raced, a million things rushing around. I was geeking out, and freaking out. A TURIAN?! Here? If one was here then…that means I’ve gone into the ME verse.
I love how he doesn’t describe what the turian looks like, and just automatically assumes that we know. For all we know a turian could look like this:
Also, how do you know that you’re not just hallucinating things? Like your body turning blue last night?
Holy crapamoly. Okay, think. Remember the fanfictions you read. Imagine this like them.
“Yeah! I gotta remember Subject 23, Mass Effected, The Man From The Past, United Under Two Skies and, most importantly, Trapped!”
Also, he accepted the fact that he is now in a video game unrealistically fast.
Looks like I got a couple of stuff to think about. Lucky,
back home my Dad taught me to shoot and self-training and all that jazz. He was a cop, but was KIA. A drug bust gone wrong. My mother…she had leukemia, but before she was diagnosed she was a lawyer. I was trained in morals,
Ah, yes, I see you are a disciple in the esoteric art of “morals”. Seriously, how hard is it to say “taught me about moralities” or “taught me moral values”?
Also, spoiler alert, this turns out to be complete bullshit later in the story.
and how to be a total badass when it came to fighting, whether it was through blood or word.
“Through blood or word”? What? Did they teach you bloodbending and dragon shouts?
Oh wait, it’s supposed to be a reference to this, even though it makes no fucking sense in the context.
“Human, mind explaining why you’re in here?” I heard a flanging voice. Oh yeah, the turian.
Eh… Because you brought him there?
“I dunno Officer. I can’t remember much from last night” That much was true.
“We found you passed out on a park bench, with all your belongings. I must say, where did you steal all those antics from huh?” Said the turian with a almost venomous tone.
He was stealing “antics”? I didn’t realize you can steal “a playful trick or prank”. Unless he meant “antiques”… The translator must be malfunctioning.
Also, gotta love how he automatically assumes that he stole them. Is he going to be another straw racist? As if we haven’t had enough of those in the past snarkings.
“Woah, woah. Antiques? I was on a flight here from Earth when I got jumped by a couple of batarians. They said something about a framejob for all the crap I caused back home.
I was a detective from the NYPD and I brought a couple of merc companies down.” It wasn’t all a lie. I was a detective but i brought crime gangs down.
Oh great. This guy gave his self-insert a quote-unquote badass backstory even before he crossovered into ME-verse. Gotta love how Detective Jack Shithead here brought down crime gangs, yet still acts and talks like a teenager.
“Oh well then Detective, that explains it. Batarians can be quite…grudgeful about humans. Especially since Mindoir.”
What? He instantly believes him? He… He didn’t even bother verifying if there has been a group of batarians stealing antiques? One sentence is all it takes to convince him that Jack Shithead is innocent?
How the hell did this guy get into C-Sec?! He shouldn’t even qualify as a janitor!
“Oh? I didn’t hear about Mindoir, Officer”
” On Mindoir was a batarian colony and the Alliance was tasked to bring them in. A few Batarians there was heads of merc companies. Anyways, orders got mixed up, and there was a slaughter. Every Batarian child, woman, man, father etc. was killed.”
You got it completely backwards! Mindoir was a human colony attacked by batarians! And you should have heard of Mindoir if you’ve played Mass Effect, considering it was where Commander Shepard lived if he/she had the Colonist background!
Seriously, has this guy even played Mass Effect?
I was shocked. This was like with the Great Khans and NCR.
Oh, so that’s why he added that bit. It was supposed to be a reference to the Bitter Springs Massacre from Fallout: New Vegas… Except it makes no fucking sense! The Bitter Springs Massacre happened because the NCR had faulty intelligence, believing that Bitter Springs is full of raiders when it is actually full of civilians. The Systems Alliance, being a space-faring civilization, is literally centuries ahead of the NCR in terms of technology, and they would not make a mistake as stupid as this!
“Well Officer, my name is Jack ****** and i recently became the Courier.”
“I’m sorry, what’s your name again? I think my translator just glitched. Wait, that’s really your name? Okaaay… Nice to meet you, Detective Fuckface.”
Also, he became the courier? What? The fuck is that supposed to mean?
Chapter 3: Influences Couple hours after my little talk with the turain officer who was called Skaldak. Yes, the same name as the Martian from Doctor Who. So many references.
Ugh. If you’re gonna make references, fine. But why the hell are you pointing out the fact that you’re making references? Also, why is your character saying “So many references”? Is he acknowledging the fact that this story has too many references? Stop breaking the fourth wall!
Anyways, Skaldak apoligized to me for the hostility. I didn’t mind, turain-human hostilities was common (Especially so soon after the Contact War). The year was 2280. 3 years before Shepard came around.
What?! 2280? That’s almost a hundred years after Mass Effect 3 ended! Mass Effect took place in 2183, so three years before Mass Effect is supposed to be 2180, the author missed by a hundred years! That is some research failure, even by Library standard!
Seriously, how hard is it to look up the freaking timeline on the Mass Effect wiki?
That’s it, I’m setting up a counter, every time the author shows horrible disregard for canon, take a shot.
*Hits buzzer twice*
(Research? What research?: 2)
One for the timeline, and one for Mindoir.
I got 3 years to train up, become known, and have some fun on the way. So yes, I said I was the Courier, I couldn’t help but use the same title as the PC from Fallout NV. I mean c’mon, what a BADASS title.
Ehh… What? How exactly is “Courier” a badass title? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t argue that The Courier from New Vegas is a badass, but the title “courier” by itself just means “mailman”. The reason the name carries significance in the Fallout universe is because couriers are of vital importance to the post-apocalyptic society. They can keep entire communities alive, like how the Divide prospered thanks to couriers despite the extremely harsh environment. This is the ME universe, the title “courier” means little more than “delivery boy”.
Still, I want to meet Garrus Calibatarian (A little nickname from Mass
Vexations 2). That way, if he’s recruited, I can come along with him.
Ugh. More pointless references. I’d talk about how dumb this is myself, but I actually managed to reach the author of Mass Vexations 2, one Herr Wozzeck, for comment.
So there we go.
So thats why, at this very moment, i’m signing up to be the first human detective in C-sec.
Eh, pal? You’re a bit too late for that. In Mass Effect, you meet a corrupt human C-Sec detective called Harkin. According to Anderson, he was one of the first human officers of C-Sec, and he’s being one for about twenty years by the time Mass Effect happened. You’re not even close to being the first.
(Research? What research?: 3)
Also, why do I get the feeling that Harkin, the guy who takes bribes, does drug, and beats up suspects, would make a better C-Sec officer than Jack Dumbass here?
But as a secondary job, when I got no cases, i’m going to be a merc. But I won’t turn out to be like Zaeed. He’s gonna be awesome when it comes around to Mass Effect 2.
First of all, I’m pretty sure working as a mercenary in your spare time will get you fired from C-Sec faster than you can say, “I have no idea how law enforcement works.” Second of all, I’ve played Mass Effect 2, and I still have no idea how Zaeed is like since I don’t have his DLC. Tell us how he is like! I know I keep going on and on about “Show Don’t Tell”, but you aren’t even telling us anything! Also, quit it with the narrative asides, they’re fucking annoying.
Anyways, I won’t be a normal merc. I’m gonna be a bounty hunter, known as the Courier. It’s funny if you think about it. I’m a ‘Courier’ who delivers death to targets.
But before I get into that buisness, I need to get training with my weapons here.
I bet a hundred caps that this author is going to use the same “half a day of training = expert marksman” bullshit from Vegas Isn’t Magic.
Wait a sec…I just realized that I don’t have any money or a place to stay. Damn, I hope I get an advance on my detective pay. Hmmm…I could check my old bank account, see if my old money was transfered into creds.
Why exactly do you think they would be transferred? There’s literally no reason for you to believe that! The only thing that warped universe with you are your personal belongings!
Well, he probably knows it for the same reason the soldiers from USA vs Batarian magically know that the batarians have shields despite having never fought them. The author knows, therefore the character knows, even though the character has no way of knowing. Plus, does your bank even exist hundreds of years in the future in an alternate universe?
It would make much more sense if you consider selling your “antique” belongings (Sounds awfully familiar…), but you probably can’t do that anymore since they are all confiscated because of that dumbass “batarian framejob” excuse you pulled out of your ass. Great job.
Once I finish signing up all my contract papers, I meet my new partner. And guess who it is! It’s Garrus. “Hey Courier. The name’s Garrus. Garrus Vakarian. I guess you are my new partner” He said to me with a turian equivalent of smile.
He’s already a C-Sec detective?!
Did… Did I accidentally flip ahead five chapters? What did I miss?! He signed some papers and immediately gets a partner? Isn’t there any kind of assessment? Background checks? Hell, they didn’t even phone the NYPD and ask them, “This guy says he works at your place, is that true?” Plus, C-Sec applicants need to be sponsored by a Citadel Councilor or the ambassador of their race. Who sponsored him?!
(Research? What research?: 4)
This guy’s Stu aura must be bending the reality around him so everyone is too busy lining up to suck his cock to do their job.
I reply with a slight grin “Courier? Hah, just a nickname at home. You can call me Jack ****** or just Jack. Anyways, it’s good to meet ya.”
He gave a small chuckle. “Well then, Jack, I better see your firing skills.”
Wait a minute, where are they? They’ve been stuck in the Formless Void ever since Jack Ass (gonna stick with this one from now on) got out of that holding cell… Wait, did he even get out of that cell?
“Yeah, but I just need to check my account. I think i’m getting low on creds.”
“Sure Jack, you got a Omni-tool?”
“Nah, I never really saw a use for one.”
“What? But all detectives I’ve met have Omni-tools. It’s part of the detective trade.” He said with what seemed a pretty surprised look
The guy doesn’t have an omni-tool in this time and age? Even though he’s supposed to be working for the NYPD? That should have set off all kinds of bullshit alarms! You’d think the NYPD would equip their detectives with basic equipment like an omni-tool. While it is true that some less fortunate regions of Earth are basically still stuck with 20th century tech, it was established that America (now part of the United North American States) is one of the super powers!
“Call me old school. Hey, if it’s a problem just say, and I can get one.”
“Its not a problem, Courier. Anyways, I can give you a free one. A bit old, but reliable.” He then gave me a small glove-like object. I equipped it, and I was so gleefull. It was like a freaking Pip-boy 3000!
…What does an omni-tool look like again?
And what does a Pip-Boy 3000 look like?
Yep, totally alike.
I pressed a few buttons, and the Omni-tool display came up.
*Sigh* As I said back in Mass Effected, omni-tools aren’t hard light holograms, you can’t use them without either specialized gloves or feedback implants in your finger tips. Not as bad as the previous research fails, but still…
(Research? What research?: 5)
I clicked on the bank application and checked my old account. I had around a MILLION creds.
Of course the Stu is going to be super rich without having to work for it. Also, good to see that the omni-tool’s bank application is apparently trans-dimensional. There are things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s PCC Banking.
“Yup, i’m not even nowhere low. Say, how can I download a application?”
“Not even nowhere low”… The fuck is that supposed to mean?
Oh, who cares! End of chapter!
Chapter 4: An Interesting Conversation.
Thats when all of time came to a very slow halt. I saw a very familiar figure walk up to me. It was…Ulysses from Fallout NV.
Oh, hi Ulysses.
Meet Ulysses, the final boss of Lonesome Road, the last DLC for New Vegas, and sole survivor of the Divide disaster. While he only appears in Lonesome Road, he was foreshadowed in all three previous DLCs, as well as the base game. His backstory is very complicated, and we’re not going into that right now. All you need to know is that he has a history with the Courier, and is very obsessed about the Old World (more specifically, Old America).
Okay… So where exactly is Jack Ass now? The Citadel? The Divide?
Oh, the Formless Void of course, how stupid of me to ask.
“Hello, Courier. You recognize me, and I you. What you think is a game, is truly life.
Fallout: New Vegas is alive! It’s alive! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
*Lightning strikes in the background*
When I travelled to the Big Empty, I discovered a technology, that was so powerful. It was a universal travelling machine.
Time 4 Backstory!
The Big Mountain Research Facility, known as the Big Empty by wastelanders, was a pre-war research facility and defense contractor. It was where some of the most talented pre-war scientists worked to develop technological marvels… By any means necessary. Like performing assassinations on non-military targets for funding, digging graves for research subjects, and ripping out the brains of Chinese POWs and putting them in robots. Typical mad scientist stuff.
Anyway, the facility survived the Great War and serves as the setting for the Old World Blues DLC. In the DLC, you get teleported into Big Mountain and eventually learn that you were not the first to visit, and that there have been other visitors before you. One of them is Ulysses, who came looking for answers about the Old World.
While there is no mention of a “universal traveling machine” in Big Mountain’s (many) research centers, they do have some form of teleportation technology… So, this kinda makes sense, I guess?
But once again, the author did not bother to explain anything at all, forcing me to do the work for him. Great.
But it was a prototype, and requires an extreme amount of energy. I was able to use it twice. To take you here, and one other time.
“…to stop by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and grab some pizza.”
You may wonder why you may be here. Well, Courier, I cannot explain just yet. It may come to a time when i can but i cannot now.
“I cannot because the plot demands so!”
You may know one thing…you are not the first one here, and if you fail, I will find another to complete the task. Do not fail me, Courier.”
“Wait, Ulysses, answer me this…why me?”
“Because Courier, it is not always the exceptional that can be extraordinary. The unexceptional can be capapble of so many things. They can do so much good…or not.”
“Also, because you’re a self-insert Stu. Mostly the latter.”
Plus, how is he “unexceptional”? He has a million credits equivalent of saving in his universe, and he’s also a detective that brought down crime gangs! Make up your mind, author! You can’t have it both ways!
“Wait…another question…Why are you here?”
“I am curious at how this universe can function. I want to know why this universe should not burn like the Old America.
Ehhh… Because this universe isn’t ruled by crazy nutjobs like the Fallout Universe American leaders? Seriously, they developed molecular assemblers and perfected nuclear fusion, yet still decided to go to war over fossil fuel. And look at how well that turned out for them.
So prove to me Courier, prove that this, you, should not burn. This conversation is over. Goodbye, I will see you…When the Shepard comes to take care of the Flock in 3 years. Good Luck.”
Instant depth? Just add random Bible reference!
Anyway, that… simply wasn’t how Ulysses talked. This is how he normally talks:
I know copying his style isn’t exactly easy, but you can at least try. Even Vegas Isn’t Magic did better in this department!
Then he walked away, his tattered jacket with the old world’s flag. This was the last time I saw him, for 2 years.
Then this wasn’t the last time you saw him, you dumbass! Seriously, how hard is it to say “I did not see him again for two years”? Also, quit replacing “three” and “two” with “3” and “2”.
So concludes this installment of riffing, and let us recap.
Ulysses finds a dimensional traveling machine in the Big MT. And instead of using it to visit other versions of America that didn’t suffer a nuclear war to find out what exactly is the problem with the Old World, he tries to do it by randomly sending people from our world, who happens to play Fallout: New Vegas, into the Mass Effect universe, a universe where America isn’t even one of the key players. Also, he somehow sends their belongings with them, and transfers their savings, too, and makes it so they are all in credits.
That was definitely one of the most convoluted, nonsensical explanations for a Stu crossing over I have ever seen. Sure, Vegas Isn’t Magic’s magical portal was dumb. Mass Effected and Man From the Past’s “being killed sends you to ME verse” was dumb. But this? This is a whole new level of suckitude! I can think of half a dozen things Ulysses would do with a dimensional traveling machine at his disposal, and NONE of them involves… all these! The premise is just completely nonsensical!
And what about the rest of the story? Well, the protagonist is annoying and unlikable. The other characters are boring and idiotic. The research makes me question if this author has even played Mass Effect. Almost the entirety of the first four chapters take place in the Formless Void. And they are all way too short! Seriously, I can fit three chapters into my browser screen!
Well, I’m glad to inform you, dear patrons, that it gets worse. Much, much worse…
Thank you for reading, and see you guys next time. This is SuperFeatherYoshi, signing off!