1278: Joyous Yule – Oneshot, Part 1

 

Title: Joyous Yule
Author: mlle imandeus
Media: Movie
Topic: Frozen
Genre:  Romance/Drama
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

—WARNING—

—FIC CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEX SCENES AND NUMEROUS REFERENCES TO INCEST

 

Happy Mid-Winter Holiday, Patrons!

I hope everyone has had an enjoyable solstice celebration, or whatever holiday you may or may not celebrate. I bring you a gift – it’s a zesty fic from the Frozen canon bursting with squicky sex! Let me show you the summary;

Anna teaches Elsa to swim.

:looks at title:

Yule is a winter holiday; it’s the Winter Solstice, which happens in the middle of winter for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. (No bragging, Delta.) Why would anyone want to learn how to swim during the coldest months of the year?

Adorable Elsanna ‘cest ensues.

Incest is adorable?

This is a story that treats a long term incestuous relationship as a positive and adorable thing that the main characters should strive towards.

… And now you can see why this fic is in the Library.

It is rated M for strong sexual content.

Welp, time to add a disclaimer to the riff.

It also treats Arendelle as a nordic pagan country.

Arendelle does appear to be located somewhere in Scandinavia, where Ásatrú originates, but the presence of a bishop at Elsa’s coronation argues against it being a purely pagan country.

followed up with my ‘Handfasting’ story if you want to read it.

That’s right – there’s a sequel! But before we get to the sequel, we should probably go over the original fic.

To the porn fic!

“Joyous Yule, Elsa!” I said. Jumping on my sister’s bed, waking her.

Wow. We’re just jumping feet-first into the bed play, aren’t we?

“Joyous Yule, Anna.” she said, in a long-suffering voice. But I knew she loved it.

Or at least that’s what you tell yourself. Getting startled out of a sound sleep by someone kicking you in the kidneys and shouting is typically frowned upon.

“And before you ask, yes, I would like to make a snowman with you, very much.”

:groans:

The snowman thing was cute in the beginning, but even in the film it gets old quick. This means, of course, that fanfic authors will cram snowman references into their fics at the slightest opportunity, even when it doesn’t make sense.

She got out of bed and with a gesture made a little hillock of snow right there in front of the fire.

:headdesk:

I hope I don’t have to point out how stupid this would be. Elsa can create snow, but it still melts when it gets too warm. The only reason Olaf doesn’t melt is because she created a personal snow flurry to follow him around and maintain his temperature.

“Where’s Olaf?” She asked, as we began crafting our snow fellow.

Does he normally hang out in Elsa’s bedroom when she’s asleep? Because that’s creepy.

“I sent him off with Kristoff, and I sent Kristoff off with the trolls.

Since this is a slashfic, the author needs to get rid of all the canon characters. Then the two sisters will find themselves isolated in some nebulous location.

Yule is a time for family. I suggested we all meet, trolls included, for the feast later. But this morning and this afternoon, this is our time.” I took her hand and looked into her eyes, “We’ve missed so much time.”

Does Anna really have the authority to do that? I think inviting the trolls to the palace, which could be considered a diplomatic event since they appear to be an autonomous group, would be something the queen would have to approve.

She leaned over and kissed me in the corner of my lips. Right between lips and cheek. This was extravagantly affectionate for Elsa. I’d been coaxing her out of her shell for months since the thaw. But she was still more reserved than I’d like.

And it’s all about what you want, isn’t it? Never mind that Elsa has experienced deep emotional trauma and probably still has lingering fears that she will freeze you with her powers – all that shit’s getting in the way of your make-out session!

After she gifted me with the peck on the corner of my mouth she said, “We can never get back the time we’ve lost, but we have the rest of our lives.”

Then why are you trying to rush her into a more touchy-feely relationship? She could literally kill you with a touch, so naturally she would be reluctant to touch anyone.

“Hmmm.” I said looking at our snowperson taking shape. “I think in honor of our time together today. Instead of a snowman, we should make snow sisters.”

So instead of the one large and rapidly melting snowman you are currently working on, you are now going to work on two much smaller snow sisters who will melt even faster.

Elsa thought that was a great idea. I knew what I was doing from the first moment.

Well, that’s ominous.

But I knew my sweet sister needed to be led.

Anna is starting to give off a very strong rapey vibe.

So initially I just said. “No, make them right up next to each other, they’re sisters, they love each other.” A little while later. “Of course they should be kissing. It’s inconceivable that we would make snow sisters and they wouldn’t be kissing. They’re sisters and they love each other.”

I find your logic to be self-serving and very flawed. I love my sister, but I’m not going to constantly kiss her.

And then finally. “Naturally, you need to use your powers to sculpt them to look like us. Otherwise you can’t properly tell that they’re kissing.

:downs shot of Brain Bleach:

More self-serving bullshit. Even if they are in a rough form, it’s usually pretty clear when two characters are kissing just based on their body positions. There’s really not many other reasons you would press your face against someone else’s.

And certainly they have to be kissing passionately, it was never said ‘an act of chaste affection can melt a frozen heart’.”

:headdesk:

Did you even watch the movie? The whole point of the final act was that the “true love” needed to thaw Anna’s heart didn’t have to be a grand romantic gesture; Anna’s selfless sacrifice saved not only her sister, but also saved herself.

She was willing, she just didn’t know how. The faces were not quite right. The picture she had in her head was not as clear as mine.

Maybe because she’s not suffering from whatever personality disorder you have that is making you carnally desire your own sister?

Also; Elsa’s powers don’t really work like that. The two humanoid creatures she makes, Olaf and Marshmallow, have very ill-defined features. Her constructs tend to be sharp-edged crystalline structures for most of the movie, although they do soften into more organic shapes later on.

I did not give her time to question or doubt. I just took her hands in mine, kissed them both and placed them on each side of my face. Using her hands to draw me in and give her the illusion of control.

:downs more Brain Bleach:

Anna is a lot more manipulative in the fic than she is in the canon. She’s really creeping me out.

I kissed her gently on the lips. Paused then went in again deeper this time. Kissed her a third time, parting my lips. With the fourth foray I brushed her tongue ever so gently with my own and then stopped and retreated; although I kept my face within six inches of hers. “Do you see it now?” I asked.

I don’t think the author’s ever kissed anyone before; this is like something out of a bad bodice-ripper. And it’s weird that even though Anna is describing kissing Elsa, the bulk of the narration is focused on Anna; there’s no mention of Elsa’s reaction at all.

“I do.” She replied, gently releasing me. And then in a flurry of ice crystals our faces were perfectly frozen, no pun intended, between kiss three and kiss four.

Elsa froze their faces? That’s a rather strong reaction, she could have just told her sister to stop rather than giving her frostbite.

It’s likely that the author meant that the faces of the snow sculptures were changed to resemble Elsa and Anna’s, but that’s not what the narration says. And I don’t think Elsa would be able to recreate the visual since she couldn’t really see much of Anna’s face from that close, assuming she didn’t close her eyes.

“It’s perfect.” I said and tried to celebrate with a kiss.

Anna enjoys getting her face frozen? That’s quite a change; maybe she’s developed a fetish.

She turned away, “Father wouldn’t like it,” She said.

Father, Mother, most governing bodies… Incest is one of those things that is widely frowned upon.

“Father was a fool!” I shouted before I could stop myself. “The best thing Father could have done is abdicate the throne to you when you were eight.”

A grown man abdicating his throne to a child? That’s the opposite of a good thing.

She looked at me like she was ashamed on my behalf,

Again you’re turning this back on yourself?

so I toned it down and said. “He closed the kingdom gates when you were eight, he died ten years later, he taught you nothing of running the country.

No, Elsa seems to have a pretty good handle on running the country; it’s interpersonal relationships that she has issues with.

He taught you nothing except to shut out your sister, who loved you more than life, by the way.

And now we find out why Anna is really angry at her father – because he took her sister/love interest away from her. The narration keeps getting twisted so that it focuses back on Anna, which is a hallmark of a Sue.

Since remembering Olaf, it all came back, I remember everything. So I know it’s not even what the troll king told him to do. The troll king told him to help you learn to control your powers.

Grandpabbie did tell the king that Elsa would need to learn how to control her powers or they could become dangerous; since Elsa’s abilities can be triggered when she’s in an emotional state the king assumed the wisest course of action would be to teach her to suppress all emotions. This decision gets a lot of flak from fic authors, who love casting the king in the role of a villain.

Which we now know is done through love, specifically my love or your love for me.

That’s not accurate at all. Love is the key to thawing the ice she creates, while fear and anger are the key emotions that can trigger the abilities. Learning how to deal with her emotions, all of her emotions, rather than suppressing them is the key to controlling her powers.

The troll king said your powers would only get stronger. So Father’s answer is bottle everything up and alienate yourself from the family. Even if you had wanted to do that, he shouldn’t have let you, instead he encourages it.

He was trying to keep her from freezing the entire kingdom – which happens the moment she loses control, so it looks like his fears may have been justified.

The only reason he was a successful king is this kingdom runs itself. And he wasn’t a successful father at all. We are left to clean up his messes. If we even can.” I held my arms open to her. “Do you think we can?”

First she bitches about how he didn’t teach Elsa how to be a ruler, then she bitches about how he wasn’t a good king. There’s just no pleasing her.

She came into my arms, “I think it best if we don’t reminisce too much about Father.”

I dunno, she might be into that.

“Agreed, and what would he have a problem with anyway? Freyr and Freya are brother and sister and are married. Odin and Frigg are brother and sister and are married. Mimir and Odin’s mother Bestla are brother and sister and are married. There are more gods married to siblings than not it seems to me.”

In most pantheons all of the deities are related in some way so they don’t really have many options when it comes to choosing a spouse – but there is the little problem of all of these couples being brother-sister marriages rather than sister-sister unions.  Those aren’t very common in any pantheon I’m aware of.

“Well we are not gods and we cannot marry.” Elsa said.

Well, not each other. You could marry other people, likely men, and then remain lovers if you really wanted to. Marriage, especially among royalty, was done for political reasons rather than personal ones; it was extremely common for married couples to take lovers.

“The whole original purpose of royalty was created to be the representatives of the gods on the earth.” I said.

No, that was what priests or shamans were for. Early rulers did often claim some kind of divine origins, but typically would claim godhood for themselves rather than being mere representatives.

“And there is no law that says that two sisters cannot marry, nor is there a law that says that two women cannot marry.

There’s no law that says you can’t walk around wearing a coat made of live puppies, but most people wouldn’t because it isn’t socially acceptable.

Since the sequel fic is named “Handfasting”, which is a term synonymous with marriage, I’m going to assume that they do find a way to sanctify their union.

Look at Hnoss and Gersemi, daughters of Freyr and Freya, maybe not married; but sisters and mated and goddesses of luck and treasure and all things good and beautiful. I say our sisterhood is as fortunate. “

This may or may not be true; almost nothing is known about these goddesses as they are barely mentioned in passing in the surviving sagas. They are said to be the daughters of Freyja and Óðr (or possibly Odin) and are associated with beauty, fortune, and treasure.

“And how do you know that?” Elsa asked.

That’s a good question; she could just be making it up.

“I read.” I replied. “I have been left to my own devices with the most well stocked library in the kingdom.

That just happens to contain reference material to justify her aberrant behaviour and give her an excuse to do whatever she wants to do..

I told you I have been so bored as to resort to talking to paintings.

I really hope that’s all you were doing with the paintings.

Do you honestly think I haven’t also used my time to research every single thing that remotely interested me.

You looked up all the naughty words in the foreign language dictionaries?

Not all of us had magical powers to entertain ourselves with.

I really don’t want to know what you’ve been doing to entertain yourself.

I also have filled numerous leather volumes with ‘Anna loves Elsa’ and ‘Elsa loves Anna’ and ‘announcing the impending nuptials of Their Royal Highnesses Anna and Elsa of Arrendelle’ would you like to see?”

She filled expensive leather-bound books (or possibly books with pages made of leather) with the equivalent of study hall binder doodles?

:headdesk:

That is such a waste.

She smiled so sweetly and kindly and said, “I would like to see that very much, but not right now.”

Because Elsa needs to get very far away from you before you decide you want to wear her skin like a jumpsuit.

Which reminded me, “Of course not right now. Now is the time for your Yule present.” I took her hand and began to lead her out of her Royal apartments.

Wait, what?

“I’m surprised you didn’t bring it in with you.” she said.

I’m also surprised. The way things were going, I didn’t think Anna would want to leave the bedroom.

“I couldn’t have.” I replied.

… And now I’m confused.

I led her through the castle. With each servant and guard we passed we were offered assistance and each time I politely declined.

At least she’s not into orgies.

Eventually the Captain of the Guard said, “I really must insist Your Highness takes a guard contingent if Your Highness is taking the Queen out of doors.”

Does that mean they are near the outside of the palace? There hasn’t been any description so it is almost as if Anna has been dragging Elsa around to random locations in the Void.

“I understand, sir, But I give you my word we will not be leaving the castle.”

“Carry on.” He stood at attention.

If they aren’t leaving the palace, then where are they going? The guard would only say something like that if they were heading outside, but if they aren’t doing that then why would anyone say such a thing?

I walked her down into the empty dungeons.

:blinks:

I think it just got weirder.

“Just where are we going Anna?” Elsa asked. “And why?”

… I’m not going to be the one to tell her. And if this is an introduction to some tie-me-up shenanigans, then Anna really should have mentioned something before now. Bondage is not something you really want to just spring on someone.

“Somewhere special, and because. Because you are incredibly special.

Blech. If you pour it on any thicker, you’ll smother the girl.

It’s Yule. and we are fabulously wealthy. So there’s nothing either of us need that we can’t just order fetched to us.

I hope you realize that’s not the purpose of the holiday. And traditionally Yule gifts are small items, often handmade, that are practical or useful.

I know I will love whatever you got me. Just like I know that you will love whatever I get you in the years that come after this. But this time I wanted to give you something special.

Just the one thing? You know Yule is traditionally stretches over thirteen days and twelve nights, right?

Right?

At the end of the hall of dungeons there was a mossy damp stairway going down.

How far down are they going? And how are they able to see? Are there any lanterns or other light sources around? I wouldn’t think this area would see much traffic, so lights wouldn’t be left burning on theooff-chance someone would wander down.

“Please, Elsa, be careful.” I said, holding her hand and leading her down. The walls were damp, we were now deep enough we were actually moving into the stone where the foundations had been carved from the earth. As we took a turn it began to get warmer.

And progressively wetter. The palace Anna and Elsa live in is situated on the shore of a fjord, which would mean the water table is very high. Without some means of constantly removing the water, those basement dungeons are going to be underground lakes.

Our descent continued. When we reached the last turn in the stairs I asked Elsa to shut her eyes and I led her.

Probably don’t need to close your eyes since it’s already hella dark.

I took her through the doorway, turned her to face the opening and said, “No one ever comes down here but both for privacy and since we are the two most valuable maidens in the hemisphere would you mind blocking the way?”

Who do you think you’re fooling?

With a wave of her hand there was a seal so thick and dark it might as well have been stone.

Elsa made a seal from dark ice to block the opening?

I have no idea what that would look like, but let’s ask Uncle Google.

I’m as confused as you are, Patrons.

That’s … interesting, but if this place is much warmer than the seal Elsa has made isn’t going to last very long.

I turned my sister around and showed her the cave with it’s hot spring pools.

That suddenly appeared out of nowhere while her back was turned.

I assume they were fed by the same springs that gave us hot water up in the castle. But these were our own beautiful private playland.

You’re going to play in the palace’s drinking water?

Ewww.

There was a pool twice the size of a bathtub, one perhaps twice the size of that and a third that filled most of the rest of the cave that was perhaps a third the size of the bay outside the castle.

I don’t know what any of these measurements mean, since they rely on information I don’t have. Bathtubs are standardized now, but back in the day they could vary in size. The poorer you were, the smaller your tub would be.

“I spent a large part of my childhood down here.” I said, “Not that our parents noticed.” I held up my hand and waved away Elsa’s beginnings to protest that we already agreed not to discuss Father. “And I was thinking today you’d learn to swim.”

If she spent all that time down in the pools by herself, then how did she learn how to swim? That’s not really a skill you should try to pick up through trial and error.

“Oh Anna, I couldn’t” Elsa said.

“That’s what I said about skating, but with your help I picked it up easily enough.” I said.

Yeah, but she has special ice powers. Do you have special hot springs powers that can prevent her from drowning?

I walked around in front of her I took her face in my hands and I looked into her eyes. I kissed her. I opened my eyes again and I said, “I love you.” I released her face and undid the top pearl button on her night dress.

Oya, daybook erotica.

You might want to grab a drink, Patrons. I think things are going to get squicky.

Then I took her face back between my hands, I looked again into her eyes. “Some might even say I worship you. At least I did at one time. You are my Queen. you are my older sister, you rule me body and soul; more than Father ever did or could.” I released her face and undid another small perfect round pearl button.

Anna has a very, very unhealthy obsession with her sister. Like, Lannister levels of obsession.

I took her face in my hands again, and kissed her. I continued to speak. “More than any goddess, it is the altar of your body I pray at, it is your spirit I revere.” I released her face again as I undid the third button and lifted the nightgown over her head.

Anna is one hyperbole away from writing overwrought emo poetry.

Then as she stood naked before me I looked again into her eyes saying. “Today I will put my hands on you, teaching you what I know because I refuse to have a skill that you do not have. You are my Queen and I am your advisor, your help mate, and your assistant.

This suddenly subservient behaviour is odd considering how pushy Anna was earlier. I thought she was going to try to crawl inside Elsa’s skin like a human-sized bot fly.

But I also put my hands on your body claiming what is mine. I have worked too hard and given too much.
You have my heart, my soul and my flesh. But so too must I have yours.’

And there’s the “gimme, gimme” aspect of Anna that was so dominant before.

Elsa smiled, and blushed, and surprised me. Where her night dress was one that buttoned with three pearls at the neck. Mine was one that had buttons all the way from neck to hem, and her slim fingers found their way to the gap between the buttons.

Pre-movie Elsa wouldn’t do something like this, but post-movie Elsa would be much more open. But you’re going to have to narrow it down a bit; if there are buttons all the way down the front then there are multiple areas that could fit this description.

Finding my moist and eager lips, she lightly played her fingertips over them before quickly moving away saying,

I don’t care which set of lips you are talking about – randomly jabbing your finger into someone with no warning isn’t very erotic.

“I’m no child, and have often dreamed of my treasure goddess sister’s goddess treasure.

:alarms blare:

:DRD Agents file into the room, looking as awkward of people in full body armor can look:

You don’t really want to be here, do you?

“No, ma’am.”

How about we call it a draw today? Y’all can help yourselves to some refreshments; the ninjas are serving eggnog and hot buttered Brain Bleach in the lobby.

:Agents file out:

Now, where were we? Oh, right; Elsa was talking about her sister’s “goddess treasure”.

Though ignorant and not well read, you’ll find me overjoyed if my trusted advisor tells me the gods are on our side.”

What the hell is wrong with Elsa’s speech patterns? This is just all kinds of odd.

I was out of my nightgown in a trice and pulling her toward the large swimming pool. “The soaking pools are for later. This large pool is no deeper than your ribs at any point. It is a soft gravel bottom worn smooth before the gods were born I expect.

More than deep enough to drown in. If Elsa has never swam before, then she likely has never been in a large body of water before either. It might be a good idea to ease her into it since one moment of panic could lead to her turning the entire swimming pool into a block of ice.

Nothing lives here because there is no sun.

:snorts:

Well, that’s load of bullshit. There are many species that have adapted to a dark, sunless existence – species that are found only in caves and pools like this one, as a matter of fact. I eagerly await the impending Lyle-ageddon.

You cannot possibly be in any danger. If at any time you are uncomfortable, just place your feet down onto the bottom and stand up. Sound good?”

“Sounds lovely.” Elsa said.

I’m still very apprehensive about this. Elsa has ice powers and they are going to be submerged in water. This is such a bad idea.

“Now, I haven’t spent all my time studying folktales and marriage law. Especially as I grew older.” I said.I stroked the baby fine white hair of her feminine mound.

Looks like Anna has been reading up on her euphemisms.

“There are volumes of maidenly arts in the library as well.

“Maidenly arts”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After each swimming stroke you master, we will take a break when we will rest on the shore and I will demonstrate my sisterly devotion with one of these womanly diversions.

Anna’s going to bake Elsa a cake?

If I may speak freely… as I know I may.

I wish you would, couching things in vague terms doesn’t disguise the fact that you want to fuck your sister.

If not with you than with no one on this earth, my mouth is watering with the desire to get started right this minute. But I promised you lessons.”

Which were obviously a transparent attempt to get her alone and naked. Elsa’s already poked Anna in the cooter, signalling that she’s on board with the sexy-fun-times, so there isn’t any need to continue the charade.

I was honestly getting quite worked up.

I have been wanting this day as long as I can remember. Certainly since long enough ago each person who knows me would shame me if they knew that such a sweet little poppet

Anna really has a high opinion of herself, doesn’t she?

honestly wanted to latch her mouth onto her sister’s hairless nether lips and lap there like a thirsty pet drinking at a river.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Because it just reminds me of Ishi-sensei’s leeches.

I might never know if my Snow Queen bloomed in turn as young as that, or if I would have faced shock and scorn if I had gone to her. But at least I had her now and I must wait just a little more, must earn my reward, and it would be all the sweeter for the earning.

… I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

We were properly deep in the water then and I asked her to lean back against me, putting all of her weight against my forearm as the majority of her began to float.

This is such a bad idea. Not just the seduction, which is creepy as hell, but trying to seduce Elsa while in water. Elsa’s powers may be under control, but in the past she has lost that control when she’s emotionally stressed. This is just asking for trouble.

“This is the easiest stroke in the world my Queen, my love. It is called the back stroke. and it is little more than floating in the bath. Just breathe calmly and smoothly in and out. Opening your legs halfway and closing them. moving your arms halfway from your sides and bringing them back as I support you with one arm under your back.”

Huh. She’s actually teaching Elsa how to swim.

I tried not to look at the beautiful little tiny perfect white icebergs of her white nipples on her white breasts.

…Wha? Elsa is pale, but she’s not that pale. I don’t think even an albino would have white nipples.

I was certainly glad that we were in water as my own moisture condensed inside and probably a little outside me.

… That’s … Wha… Do you even know how girl parts work? Because I’m nearly positive that you shouldn’t have anything “condensing” inside your genitals.

Again I was blessed with another taste of my perfect, womanly, playful, no longer hiding, sister when she said, “I’m not going to be another one of your flash in the pan interests.”
She said this as she slowly, lazily stroked her legs and arms out and in. “First it was Prince Boniface or Lord Heinz or whatever your fiance’s name was.”

Jiminy Christmas, that’s a lot of adjectives for one woman.

Is Elsa trying to play coy? Hans almost single-handedly overthrew the government and nearly killed her; she should remember his name.

“Prince Hans of the Southern Isles and I have to again lay that squarely in Fathers lap. If he hadn’t kept me so incredibly lonely and desperate for any company whatsoever.

… You would be able to finish that sentence?

If you remember correctly I not only agreed to marry him on our first meeting I suggested he bring his twelve brothers here to live.”

No, she was just going to invite them to the wedding.

“What about Kristoff you can’t blame Father for him.” She said.

Why not? Anna met Kristoff only hours after she met Hans; it’s not like meeting Hans instantly fulfilled all her emotional needs.

“No I can’t and I shan’t. But it is my suggestion we keep Kristoff around.

I am not going to like this, am I?

 He’s nice, strong, well bred, house broken. He cleans up well. He’s friendly. I wouldn’t mind him teaching my children woodcraft.
He’s a good go-between with the trolls.

Damn. She makes it sound like she wants him to stand stud for them.

 And best of all, if we want an heir of the royal blood. I for one, do not have the necessary equipment.

:headdesk:

 I had moved smoothly around her, so I supported her with one hand on the back of her neck as she smoothly swam the backstroke. “And you my Queen,”
I reached between her legs to find only downy fluff and a lovely slippy patina.
“You lack the same equipment.”

Hence the reason same-sex unions weren’t really a thing back in Ye Olden Days. If your goal is to perpetuate the line, a lack of compatible mating tackle would be a serious issue.

Also; if they are in the water Elsa’s “downy fluff” will not be very downy nor would it be fluffy. And I thought her “nether lips” were hairless?

 I smiled and kissed the corner of her mouth as I took my hand away and she bobbed once and then swam strong as I did a breaststroke easily beside her, as I continued to talk.

Sweet mercy, ninety percent of this fic is Anna talking about stuff.

 “Not that long ago. A hundred generations, two perhaps, they did not know that was where babies came from and they didn’t marry.

A hundred generations? Two hundred generations? Opinions vary as to how long a generation would be, anywhere from twenty-five years to a hundred, but even if you went with a conservative forty years (based on the length of time the Israelites wandered) that would still be between four and eight thousand years.

That’s longer than most civilizations have lasted, so I call bullshit on it being “not long ago”.

Mothers raised children in their tribes and fathers were unknown.

Yeah, and plague and famine were rampant, medicine was virtually non-existent, and “running water” meant you had to run to a source of water with a bucket. What’s your point? If you were some nameless peasant you could indulge in whatever primitive fantasies you wanted to, but you are royalty and have to be mindful of your position.

I have no problem with him putting a baby in me, if you wish it or he can put one in you.

Either way, the child would be a bastard unless they are married. Bastards cannot inherit titles.

 We can hand him the title of Lord High Consort.

The technical term would be “prince consort”, but he would only get that if he was married to the Queen. You can’t just give someone a title without reason, and one like “consort” would typically require someone getting married. If that’s the case and he then got Anna pregnant, that child would be a bastard or they would have to have a sister-wife situation going on. Even if polygamy is legal, Anna and Elsa are very valuable politically speaking; marrying the queen and only princess to the same man (who is also a commoner) would likely cause all kinds of problems.

Or even The Steward of The Royal Seed.

I guess “Designated Sperm Stick” was already taken.

 You are the Queen. You are the Law.

Feel free to insert your own Judge Dredd reference here.

A job like that can be an appointment, there isn’t even any reason you need give him a choice.

Unless the definition of rape has changed recently, you kinda do need his permission.

 Although of course you would.

Because Elsa is a much nicer person than this manipulative bitch.

Monarchs do have a lot of power, but they can’t just go around doing whatever they damn well please without there being consequences.

And I can tell you right now, I know for a one hundred percent positive fact, he would be interested.

Interest isn’t action; I find many people interesting but that doesn’t mean I want to fuck them all.

I am just saying as your chief advisor you do not need to.

She keeps saying that she’s Elsa’s chief advisor – since when? She knows less about holding office than Elsa does.

 But yes milady, my Queen, I know you are not to be trifled with.

Because she can turn you into a TV dinner with a flick of her wrist.

 My loyalty is to the throne you are my sworn liege, believe me.”

Saying shit like that makes me trust you less. Only a dishonest person needs to constantly assert their honesty.

Things were getting a little heavy suddenly.

If by that you mean “filled with clunky and rambling narration”, then I agree.

So Elsa stopped and stood. “I do Anna, of course I do.” She said with a smile. “Now about your reward. Would you say I mastered the backstroke?”

“You were doing it with no support.”

“Then it’s time for us to rest and you to have your reward.”

:tops off Brain Bleach:

“You’ll let me then? You’ll really let me kiss and lick your secret place?” I asked, This really was better than I’d hoped.

“I don’t know how secret it is, you have one. but if you want to lick or touch, you may.”

That really sounds more like a reward for Elsa than for Anna.

This time as I walked her toward a low flat bench of smooth rock where dry warm air blew I allowed myself to drink in her beauty.

They are way the hell underground, surrounded by water – where is warm, dry air coming from?

No matter how aroused I became now, I didn’t care, because my moment was at hand. Whether she chose to reciprocate or not, I was fairly confident I would reach my completion when I tasted her nectar. I had been waiting so long. If not, than soon after and likely again and again.

If Anna has built up this much anticipation, then it is almost guaranteed that she’ll be disappointed. Reality can’t really match years of obsessive fantasies.

I laid her down gently and folded my robe for her pillow. Other than the robe under her head she was fine on the bare stone. I had lain on it dozens of times myself in my youth. The type of stone along with the wear and the temperature, actually felt like an old worn sheet and the warm dry wind blowing over us; any covering would have quickly become oppressive.

Yeah, no – it’s rock. Rock does not make for a comfortable bed.

Besides the view was part of my reward. She was perfect, she truly was. Her skin a pale white expanse: unmarked, unmarred by any blemish, perfect as alabaster. I could smell the water on her skin, but more than that I could smell her. The crisp cold perfection of fresh ice.

Does that mean Elsa has frozen the water on her skin?

I don’t know why I never placed it in those years we were growing up. I guess because I wasn’t allowed her company long enough.

For very good reasons, apparently.

But my eagerness to taste her overpowered my drive to admire her. There was time for that later. I moved in on the one part of her that was not an uninterrupted expanse of white. Her fluffy, downy white mound with her waiting eager pink lips just beginning to open. Just starting to gape with the excitement I hoped to coax from them.

:headdesk:

Why do fanfic authors feel the need to write sex scenes in the most esoteric terms possible?

And again – she is soaking wet. Nothing is going to be downy or fluffy. The author is really in love with using that imagery; she’s making it sound like Elsa is hiding a rabbit in her labial folds.

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe what still felt like my luck, even though I’d worked hard as brass to get it.

…Huh? That’s a really odd turn of phrase. And Uncle Google is exactly no help in finding out what it means. Let’s just move on.

:lights flash:

That’s weird; I’ve never had it do that before.

:checks read-outs:

Oh, hell!

GUMDROP! HIT THE DECK! INCOMING WALL-O-SMUT!

:dives under desk:

:WHUMP!:

I kept moving forward bit by bit, because I knew I would scream and die if I did not get to touch it, taste it, kiss it. Lick it, feel it. But I just couldn’t, not yet. It was too perfect and I wanted it too bad. Then the scent hit me. This wasn’t like ice. Although it was there if you knew to look for it. This was like life. Like sunshine, flesh, and joy. Wet down and slid between her lips. Packed in there full and meaty in the little folds. I expected to see the sun herself peeking out, with the summer rain right behind. Every bit of life was there somewhere in the Snow Queen’s mother box as it was in every woman’s. That little bit of the goddess that each woman got to keep. But my sister’s was uniquely her’s and it pulled at my tongue like a magnet when I got close enough. My face knew where it’s home was. And my home was in my sisters lap. A place I hope to rest my head whether in love or in weariness for the rest of my life. When I was close enough for her downy fuzz to tickle my lips I stopped and moved my head back and forth. As it only grew in a mound on the top, which I played with with my lips before moving down to her bare white crease which I spread to expose the darker pink within. I licked deep and said, “My Winter Queen smells and tastes of summer.”

:eye-twitch:

Sweet mercy, there’s a lot of it. :pokes Wall with Mr. Crowbar:

I kept moving forward bit by bit, because I knew I would scream and die if I did not get to touch it, taste it, kiss it. Lick it, feel it. But I just couldn’t, not yet. It was too perfect and I wanted it too bad.

This level of obsession doesn’t sound like a healthy thing. A little anticipation can be good, but this is going overboard.

Then the scent hit me.

Sorry, I think someone’s been microwaving asparagus in the break room again.

This wasn’t like ice. Although it was there if you knew to look for it. This was like life. Like sunshine, flesh, and joy.

Damn.

Wet down and slid between her lips. Packed in there full and meaty in the little folds.

Ewww. What the hell is going on in Elsa’s lady garden? There shouldn’t be things packed into her labial folds, not unless she really is hiding a rabbit.

I expected to see the sun herself peeking out, with the summer rain right behind.

That’s asking an awful lot of a vagina.

Every bit of life was there somewhere in the Snow Queen’s mother box as it was in every woman’s.

:snerk:

In DC canon, a Mother Box is a real thing; they are semi-sentient devices that function like smartphones or PDS and can open up “boom tubes” (quantum wormholes) between two locations, usually Apokolips and Earth.

The way this is worded, it sounds as if Elsa is hiding an entire ecosystem in her labial folds.

That little bit of the goddess that each woman got to keep.

Which goddess? According to the earlier portions of the fic, they are supposed to be pantheistic pagans following the Nordic traditions; the concept of an all-encompassing nameless Goddess figure is something found in modern neo-paganism.

But my sister’s was uniquely her’s and it pulled at my tongue like a magnet when I got close enough.

This is supposed to be sexy?

My face knew where it’s home was. And my home was in my sisters lap. A place I hope to rest my head whether in love or in weariness for the rest of my life.

Seriously, though – this is supposed to be sexy?

When I was close enough for her downy fuzz

:THWACK!:

IT’S PUBIC HAIR, NOT A BABY DUCKLING!

to tickle my lips I stopped and moved my head back and forth. As it only grew in a mound on the top, which I played with with my lips before moving down to her bare white crease which I spread to expose the darker pink within. I licked deep and said, “My Winter Queen smells and tastes of summer.”

The author can’t seem to make up their mind whether Elsa has pink genitals or white. The narration keeps flip-flopping back and forth.

Elsa’s moans were my only answer. But I needed no more. As I suspected her deliciousness soon had me insensate myself.

Dude, don’t insensate near the water! People have to drink that.

As I moaned into her, as I licked and lapped, seeking her sweet cream. A moment later I felt my own orgasm wrack through me at the joy of licking and touching the sister I idolized.

Wait just a second … You’re performing cunnilingus on Elsa; why is this all about your orgasm?

“Was that you?” she asked, as I gasped against her and clasped her leg between mine.

Who else would it be? You’re all alone down here!

“It was, Elsa. I couldn’t help myself. I have been waiting for this, all of my life it feels like.”

“Oh, Anna.” She pulled me up on top of her, and covered my face with kisses.

This would be kind of sweet, if they weren’t frickin’ sisters. As it is;

:dumps bucket of Brain Bleach over head:

“But I wasn’t done.” I began, “knowing there was more up in her. Her climax had come but not it’s product.

She did? When? Anna orgasmed, but there’s been zero mention of Elsa doing the same. She only moaned a bit.

“Your sticky sweetness.” I complained, half jokingly, being the bratty little sister. “My reward.”

Clearly Anna has some sort of fetish regarding her sister’s secretions.

“You said for every stroke I mastered.” Elsa said. “I mastered the backstroke. You finished, I finished. I can’t imagine either of us being finished for long, I agree. But in the one reward for one stroke exchange I would have to say that your reward was given.”

I’m still not convinced that Elsa got the same out of the experience. She was moaning and appeared to be having a good time, but it was all over the moment Anna climaxed.

I thought for a moment. Arguing, ‘A cream pie was made, but not delivered.’ sounded unnecessarily crass, even to me, so I decided to move on.

… Wow. Yeah, that’s … No.

“Well. Pooh. I guess you’re right.” I took her slim, strong, perfect hand and lifted her to her feet.

Wasn’t Elsa laying on an elevated stone bench?

I began to lead her back toward the pool. “Now, because it is what I so desperately want to do to you dear sister. And it is the same movements as the backstroke, but in reverse while lying on your belly. The next stroke we’ll do is the breast stroke. Now, as we walk out to where it’s deep enough.” We did so and I continued, “If I may, my dear sister and my Queen, I am going to kiss you and fondle your breasts for a few moments because if I do not get it out of my system, I fear I will not be able to concentrate on the lesson.”

It is really disturbing how everything keeps circling back to Anna. Elsa could be a blow-up doll for all it matters. She’s just Anna’s toy.

“Even though you have been given your agreed reward,” My sister and adored Queen said. “Your adolescent eagerness is more than flattering to me. It is my pleasure, but even more so my noble duty to submit to your attentions as part of caring for you as my younger sister and the most loyal of my subjects.”

Who the hell talks like that?

Then not only did she eagerly kiss me but her questing nimble fingers found my treasure.

Her what?

The button point,

Her clitoris? What that what all that “goddess treasure” and that ramble about containing a piece of the goddess was about? When pagans talk about the goddess within us it is typically a spiritual metaphor, not that we literally have a bit of goddess in our lady gardens.

whose expert working she was able to coax into such electric delight I was moaning fair to scream into her mouth as she had to support my weight as my legs gave out.

Anna has spent years studying the “maidenly arts” so she can please her sister as a lover, but Anna’s the one having the screaming orgasms at the drop of a hat while Elsa only managed a few half-hearted moans.

“I am embarrassed by how long I’ve wanted to do that.” She confessed to me, when she was sure I would understand her.

Elsa finger-banged Anna to the point that the younger woman was unable to comprehend speech?

Damn, girl. If you can do that, why do you even need Anna?

I looked into her eyes, unsure of what to say. Unsure of how to make her believe what I needed her to know.

Even at this point, when Anna is supposed to be reassuring Elsa, it’s all about what Anna needs.

But all I could do was speak my truth. I already stood naked before her. I already opened my soul. She would hear or she would not, I could not control that.

Why not? You’ve done a fair amount of manipulation and control up until now.

“Sister. There is nothing you could ask that I would deny you. There is nothing you could desire that I would not give freely. I almost wish you desired something terrible of me, if only so I could prove my devotion to you. You are my world and I take great joy in it.”

Anna only has two modes; rabid obsession with her idealized version of Elsa, or self-serving manipulator.  I’m sure this little speech is meant to show how much Anna “loves” Elsa, but Anna isn’t expressing any real emotions. She talks about what she can do for Elsa, but doesn’t say anything about how she feels about Elsa. This isn’t opening your soul, this is bribing a lover.

I could see in her eyes that she did understand and she smiled and she said, “Sister, teach me to swim.”

No, thank you. I’m calling an end to this for now; I’ll be back next time with the rest of the badly written smut.

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129 Comments on “1278: Joyous Yule – Oneshot, Part 1”

  1. SC says:

    No bragging, Delta.

    What you are asking is psychically impossible for him.

  2. SC says:

    Why would anyone want to learn how to swim during the coldest months of the year?

    Hey, the cold never bothered Elsa any-

    *SMACK*

    *Glasses glares at SC, whilst placing an ice pack on her hand because she hurt it slapping him*

  3. SC says:

    This is a story that treats a long term incestuous relationship as a positive and adorable thing that the main characters should strive towards.

    …People should strive to fuck their broheims and sistahs?

    • fledglinghuman says:

      Brodawg you’re my brodawg but I would shank you in the kidneys for a Klondike bar.

    • GhostCat says:

      That sentence right there set off all the red flags for me.

      • fledglinghuman says:

        I could bear seeing “this portrays incest as a legitimate form of mutual attraction/desire” but the second “positive and adorable” popped up I noped outta there harder than I have ever noped before. Was participating in the Crusades also positive and adorable? How about being mentally ill during the witch hunts?

      • GhostCat says:

        And it really isn’t positive or adorable; there’s no attempt to establish their relationship is in any way intimate before moving into the sexy-fun-times portion of the fic, and Anna comes across as a delusional fangirl who manipulates Elsa into having sex.

      • fledglinghuman says:

        Delusional, hell. Anna comes across as a straight-up rapist. I’m surprised she hasn’t broken out the roofies yet.

    • "Lyle" says:

      Pardon me whilst I blurflehurftyfurfhurf.

      • SC says:

        Please, not in the eggnog.

      • Delta XIII says:

        Okay, this has bugged me for ages: what actually is eggnog?

      • "Lyle" says:

        Something I’m qualified to answer!

        I work in a dairy factory. We make Eggnog every winter. The plant smells like Christmas.

        Eggnog is a mixture of milk, cream, eggs, a metric shit-ton of sugar, and nutmeg. It’s slightly thinner than whipping cream, has an incredibly sweet taste, and makes fantastic french toast.

        Here’s a picture!

        It also goes pretty good with rum (Dutch Eggnog). I’ve also seen it made with bourbon. You can serve it warm or cold.

        It hates me and I have to run specialized allergen tests on everything after we make it because egg is one of the big 8 food allergens.

        It tends to be a drink that either you love or you absolutely abhor. My father and I love eggnog (although it hates me…) but my mom and Taco are both on the Eggnog Sucks Train.

  4. SC says:

    Getting startled out of a sound sleep by someone kicking you in the kidneys and shouting is typically frowned upon.

    Anna would try that exactly once with Shades, and Shades would be cleaning ridiculous portions of blood out of the carpet.

  5. SC says:

    Does Anna really have the authority to do that? I think inviting the trolls to the palace, which could be considered a diplomatic event since they appear to be an autonomous group, would be something the queen would have to approve.

    And nevermind that Elsa probably WOULD approve, because the trolls saved Anna’s life after she accidentally head-shot her to near-death and the risk family owes then a debt of gratitude; you kind of still need to run this crap by her first. Remember what happened with Hans, when you tried marrying him on day one, Anna?

  6. leobracer says:

    *Sits in the Battle Armor, in the fetal position, sucking his thumb*

    Oh god, why did you have to review this kind of fanfiction on Christmas?

  7. fledglinghuman says:

    As it only grew in a mound on the top

    Uh, is that how pubic hair works for the rest of the female population? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve only ever seen it depicted as “growing fucking everywhere except the sensitive bits,” “ladyscaped into a defined shape with noticeable areas where more would grow without the ladyscaping,” or “waxed completely off.”

    And we’re going to be ladylike and not mention personal examples, else my innocent little brother’s head might explode.

    • parrish122 says:

      I suppose she could’ve shaved herself in a very odd way. Or could be naturally bald in just that area. But honestly, I kept wondering if the author was intending to imply that she was in early adolescence. Because from what I recall, the hair first starts growing on the mound. And the “fluffy fuzz” description makes a lot more sense if she’s very young.

      So yeah, my impression was that this fic is even creepier than even Ghostcat realized. I think they were going for having her technically an adult but physically not much more than a child. I sincerely hope that it’s merely lack of experience on the author’s part and I’m seeing something that wasn’t intended.

      But I could use a double shot of brain bleach right about now.

      • GhostCat says:

        That’s the impression I got as well, I didn’t want to mention it because it does have very disturbing implications, but I’m really hoping that it’s a case of the author being very young and not having any practical experience with adult pubic hair.

    • SC says:

      She thinks I’m innocent to these things.

      PFFFFFT

  8. fledglinghuman says:

    -plays Blurred Lines at full volume-

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    It also treats Arendelle as a nordic pagan country.

    You know, when I adopted a fast-and-loose approach to canon in Palaven’s Dogs, I made a long note to that effect, outlined my rationale for changing things like armor designs, the functionality of thermal clips, and the fate of Liara T’Soni in some detail, and then built a story around those premises.

    I didn’t just “treat” major elements as though they were something entirely different for no readily discernible reason!

    • GhostCat says:

      The only real reason for the change is to justify Anna’s desire for Elsa based on the gods habit of keeping it in the family, but after the initial mention of various gods the rest of the narration dealing with the subject sounds more like neo-paganism than anything from the Nordic traditions.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    followed up with my ‘Handfasting’ story

    Ok, that’s enough Internet for me- I first read that title as something entirely different.

  11. … And now you can see why this fic is in the Library.

    Dakota: At least they can’t have a child by ince- oh son of a bitch one is going to get pregnant, isn’t she?

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    “No one ever comes down here but both for privacy and since we are the two most valuable maidens in the hemisphere would you mind blocking the way?”

    What does that even mean??

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Yeah, but she has special ice powers. Do you have special hot springs powers that can prevent her from drowning?

    Great. She’s going to get in, panic, and encase herself in ice.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Then I took her face back between my hands, I looked again into her eyes. “Some might even say I worship you. At least I did at one time. You are my Queen. you are my older sister, you rule me body and soul; more than Father ever did or could.” I released her face and undid another small perfect round pearl button.

    I took her face in my hands again, and kissed her. I continued to speak. “More than any goddess, it is the altar of your body I pray at, it is your spirit I revere.” I released her face again as I undid the third button and lifted the nightgown over her head.

    Then as she stood naked before me I looked again into her eyes saying. “Today I will put my hands on you, teaching you what I know because I refuse to have a skill that you do not have. You are my Queen and I am your advisor, your help mate, and your assistant.

    Weird how Elsa apparently just sits there and does nothing while all of this is going on.

    Weird, and immensely creepy.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I’m no child, and have often dreamed of my treasure goddess sister’s goddess treasure.

    Wow.

    Just… wow.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    honestly wanted to latch her mouth onto her sister’s hairless nether lips and lap there like a thirsty pet drinking at a river.

    Erotica should not remind me that I still need to get the lava pumps and Nether Wart farm working in my Minecraft technical world.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    white icebergs of her white nipples

    *ALARM BLARES*

    Shit.

    I’d call in the Arbiter again, but I’d rather he didn’t have to see this.

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    A job like that can be an appointment, there isn’t even any reason you need give him a choice.

    Unless the definition of rape has changed recently, you kinda do need his permission.

    In this ‘fic?

    I doubt it.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    I kept moving forward bit by bit, because I knew I would scream and die if I did not get to touch it, taste it, kiss it. Lick it, feel it. But I just couldn’t, not yet. It was too perfect and I wanted it too bad. Then the scent hit me. This wasn’t like ice. Although it was there if you knew to look for it. This was like life. Like sunshine, flesh, and joy. Wet down and slid between her lips. Packed in there full and meaty in the little folds. I expected to see the sun herself peeking out, with the summer rain right behind. Every bit of life was there somewhere in the Snow Queen’s mother box as it was in every woman’s. That little bit of the goddess that each woman got to keep. But my sister’s was uniquely her’s and it pulled at my tongue like a magnet when I got close enough. My face knew where it’s home was. And my home was in my sisters lap. A place I hope to rest my head whether in love or in weariness for the rest of my life. When I was close enough for her downy fuzz to tickle my lips I stopped and moved my head back and forth. As it only grew in a mound on the top, which I played with with my lips before moving down to her bare white crease which I spread to expose the darker pink within. I licked deep and said, “My Winter Queen smells and tastes of summer.”

    This.

    Does!

    Not!

    Make!

    SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    But my sister’s was uniquely her’s and it pulled at my tongue like a magnet when I got close enough.

    This is supposed to be sexy?

    You know that thing where you can get stuck with your tongue frozen to a metal object?

    Yeah.

  21. AdmiralSakai says:

    she was able to coax into such electric delight

    Yet another reason they shouldn’t be doing this in the water.

  22. AdmiralSakai says:

    Wet down and slid between her lips. Packed in there full and meaty in the little folds.

    This.

    Doesn’t.

    Make.

    ANY.

    SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. infinity421 says:

    Ugh, jesus. And this is only part one?

  24. "Lyle" says:

    Okay, Day Two of “Lyle Tries to Get Through This.”

    Finding my moist and eager lips, she lightly played her fingertips over them before quickly moving away saying

    BLARFLFURLFINFARGLEBLURF!

    You have the constitution of a goat, Ghostie.

  25. "Lyle" says:

    Nothing lives here because there is no sun.

    I eagerly await the impending Lyle-ageddon.

    Ask and ye shall receive.

    *cracks knuckles*

    The absence of sunlight will only prevent anything that needs photosynthesis or vitamin D to survive from growing or thriving in a subterranean environment. Putting aside the fact that the water, hot and mineral-laden as an underground hot spring is bound to be, will still contain millions upon millions of extremophile bacterium and protozoan capable of living in severe environments, other things you’re going to potentially expose your “goddess treasures” to include things such as vent worms, fungi, mosses, sightless amphibians, crabs, snails, insects, spiders, and mites. Not all of these may be in the water, but there’s quite a bit of cave going on from what we’ve been told, and caves are wondrously isolated ecosystems that can produce the most insane flora and fauna in the world.

    Such as these glow worms that live their entire lives in the dark, producing their own phosphorescence. Neat, huh? Those lines coming down from the ceiling are silk threads covered in globules of sticky saliva excreted from the worms’ mouths. A cave-dwelling insect hits that and gets stuck, and the worm slowly cranks the silk up and devours the bug. It’s a very specified evolutionary trait that wouldn’t work well in a situation where the prey can see what they’re doing.

    You see, the great thing about evolution is that it is what allows living things to adjust to what Jo-Schmo would think is an impossible environment. There’s millions of life forms that live in oceanic volcano vents (hydrothermal vents), where the sun never penetrates and temperatures reach an excess of 750* Fahrenheit. Creatures. Living. 750*F. Fucking nuts.

    Your average hot spring is between 98 and 120 degrees Fahrenheit. I’ll let that sink in.

    IF MOTHER FUCKING TUBE WORMS CAN LIVE IN 750*F WATER PEACHY KEEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS LIVING IN THAT HOT SPRING?!

    Say hello to your new friend:

    Okay, while that guy is actually a microscopic worm that lives on the ocean floor, it’s the same bloody idea. Even if there isn’t any life in there that could cause you harm, there’s life. Tons of it. And it’s fucking everywhere.

  26. Delta XIII says:

    (No bragging, Delta.)

    *pouts*
    Fun-sucker.

  27. Delta XIII says:

    GUMDROP! HIT THE DECK! INCOMING WALL-O-SMUT!

    SERIOUSLY, WHO MADE ME LIVE IN THIS WING?!
    *le squish*

    *Delta respawns in the break room, curled up in a fetal position and bawling his eyes out*

    I need an adult.
    I need an adult.
    I need an adult.

  28. Swenia says:

    Adorable Elsanna ‘cest ensues.

    Goddammit, people, what do I have to do to get some normal porn in here!?

  29. Swenia says:

    :downs shot of Brain Bleach:

    :downs more Brain Bleach:

    Hey, don’t Bogart that, I suddenly need to forget what sex is.

  30. CrunchyRaptor says:

    There’s no law that says you can’t walk around wearing a coat made of live puppies, but most people wouldn’t because it isn’t socially acceptable.

    So… are you saying that you did not like my Sithmas gift, then?

  31. Swenia says:

    I was fairly confident I would reach my completion when I tasted her nectar.

    Oh, hun, you really don’t have any idea what you’re doing, do you? Among other things, genitals and their associated fluids taste pretty nasty on both sides of the sexual divide. Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally worth it, but I’d never describe the taste as “nectar” even hyperbolically. I’d peg it somewhere between a dead sea bass and pickle brine.

    And, if cunniling somebody else was all it took, well, I’d probably have had a lot more fun in the academy than I did. And I had a LOT of fun in the academy.

    • Swenia says:

      This wasn’t like ice. Although it was there if you knew to look for it. This was like life. Like sunshine, flesh, and joy.

      Okay, fine, I’ll accept a living, sun-warmed sea bass and Joy dish detergent.

  32. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    ‘My Winter Queen smells and tastes of summer’

    I… fail to see (among other things D:) how that’s a good thing…

    …this isn’t one of those things where the person *likes* the smell of fetid goose shit festering in the rain, right?

  33. The Crowbar says:

    Adorable Elsanna ‘cest ensues.

    Oh, this is the first sentence I see on the internet in the new year?

    The whole year is already going downhill…

  34. The Crowbar says:

    That’s right – there’s a sequel!

    There’s a WHAT?!

  35. The Crowbar says:

    I walked her down into the empty dungeons.

    Oh Fuck Me Sideways.

    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

  36. The Crowbar says:

    :tops off Brain Bleach:

    Oooooh, just as I was about ask for some…

  37. The Crowbar says:

    I licked deep and said, “My Winter Queen smells and tastes of summer.”

    *shudders*

    Sweet filly Celestia on a pogostick, what the absolute fuck IS this?!

    Eurgh, I mean…

    This is horrible and cringy at the same time!

  38. The Crowbar says:

    That little bit of the goddess that each woman got to keep.

    So, uh’…

    Whenever I see a woman’s vagina, do I just like… Bow before it and accept it as my one true God if I want to have sex?

    That’s what I’m getting from this… Is this a metaphor, or…?

  39. The Crowbar says:

    IT’S PUBIC HAIR, NOT A BABY DUCKLING!

    Pffff-*snerk*

    I can just imagine…

    Whenever someone gets too close to a vagina, it quacks.

  40. The Crowbar says:

    A moment later I felt my own orgasm wrack through me at the joy of licking and touching the sister I idolized.

    Wait, what? Can you even get an orgasm like that?


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