1276: Final Fantasy 7 Christmas – One Shot

Title: Final Fantasy 7 Christmas
Author: Okurasu
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy 7
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: Final Fantasy 7 Christmas
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Salutations, noble patrons!  Welcome to my entry in the holiday fun time fic parade!  Since we’re getting all festive this week, I gave Swenia the day off to do whatever it is she does on her days off, and instead asked Eliza to join me.  I figured she’d be the most likely in my little group of misfits to bring the holiday cheer.

“I really hope this is worth me missing out on Aunty time.  Do you know how hard it was to convince Crunchy to take over for the day?”

Not hard at all?

“Well, okay, it really wasn’t since Jiwe’s got him wrapped around his little claw, but it’s the principle of the matter.   You would think a ten-thousand year-old Sith Lord would know how to tell a toddler ‘no’.”

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve got this plate of Pteranodon cut-out cookies that Gumdrop baked this morning.  He even put sprinkles and little frosting faces on them.

“Best day ever!”

For our entry in the Holiday Fic Parade, I dug up a Final Fantasy 7 Christmas fic.  Don’t think about how Christmas can exist on Gaia too hard, it’ll make your brain revolt against you.  In this case the plot is focused on the Christmas season going down in Sector 7 with the original members of AVALANCHE, so we can assume this is probably happening before the plate is dropped on Sector seven and kills most of them. Well, we can probably assume that, anyway; you never know with fanfiction.

Anyway, let’s dive right in with the summary!

Christmas at Seventh Heaven, all of sector 7’s characters meet to enjoy christmas. But what they don’t know is that there is someone else there too.

There are a number of small problems with this summary, such as the random bolding, use of incomplete sentences, not properly capitalizing Christmas, some minor grammar issues, and a pretty cheap mystery ploy, but it’s honestly far from the worst summary we’ve ever seen in the Library.  Honestly, given the competition, it’s probably one of the better ones we’ve ever featured.  So no real big complaints thus far.  However, when we get into the-

“TACO!  Down!”

*Eliza tackles Taco out of his chair*

“Get ya’ a$ up you little s£t!” Cloud slowly awakened to find Barret staring over him, his face pulsating fiery red and teeth clenched as tight as they possibly could. Cloud then replied faintly, “What do you want I was sleeping.” Barret was becoming even more pissed off, blood pressure rising, teeth starting to crack. He was so close to blow up and tear Cloud to shreds. “Its fc&ing Christmas you dull s£t! Marlene has been waiting for ages!” Cloud then came to realize that it was in fact Christmas, he quickly jumped up from his bed and looked over to Marlene who had been standing by the door the whole time. “Oh sorry Marlene, I was in a very deep sleep, they get even more terrifying every time.” Marlene then yelled, “Well your up now so LETS OPEN SOME PRESSIES!” By this time Barret had calmed down, but was still frustrated that half of the day had gone and nothing had been done. Marlene ran as fast as her little legs can take her to the elevator and up to the main room. Whilst walking to the elevator Cloud turns to Barret and says, “Lighten up Barret, it is Christmas after all.” Barret’s teeth clenched one again and went for a swing on Cloud and CRASH! Barret’s gun arm completely misses Cloud and breaks a hole in the wall. “OH FOR FC& SAKE” Barret yells “I JUST BLOODY PAINTED THAT YESTERDAY!”

*CRUNCH*

Sweet crap that was close!  Been a while since I’ve had one of those fly my way.

“Good thing that didn’t hit the kitchen this time.  Gummy would have been a little miffed to have his cookie baking interrupted.  Not to mention having all his feast prep upset.  You do not want to deal with a T-Rex whose kitchen has been ruined.”

*Taco looks at the rest of the fic*

Oh no, there are a lot more of those!  Eliza, mobilize the Darkwraiths; I need a large group up on the roof with hammers and some kind of repulsar beam to break these up as they sail in.  Send a few more to wherever that other one landed and have them ship the pieces back in here so we can-

*A darkwraith walks in with a chunk of paragraph, sets it down, then walks back out*

“I texted them while you were talking to save time.”

Aha.

“Get ya’ a$ up you little s£t!”

“‘Get ya’ as up you little set’?  What the heck is that supposed to mean?”

It means our author is crap at writing.  I can see we’re already loading up a flanderized version of Barret.  If you’ve never seen flanderized Barret, he’s an easy one to spot.  All he does is swear, shout, and overreact to everything.  Also, author, if you can’t bring yourself to actually type out the cursing, don’t include it.  Further, if you can’t bring yourself to type out profanity, you should probably have picked a fandom to write about that doesn’t have characters that use quite a lot of profanity.

Cloud slowly awakened to find Barret staring over him, his face pulsating fiery red and teeth clenched as tight as they possibly could.

“Poor guy has a just awful case of disco-inferno face.  Had a few of the darkwraiths come down with that a few months ago.  Nothing that a hot bowl of soup and a day in bed won’t solve.  Well, that and a regimen of high-strength antibiotics.”

Cloud then replied faintly, “What do you want I was sleeping.”

Well, crap, all the dialogue is crammed into the bricks of text too.

“At least I don’t see any point of view tags in there.  So it isn’t all bad.  Just mostly bad.”

Yay?

Barret was becoming even more pissed off, blood pressure rising, teeth starting to crack.

“He’s cracking his teeth?  That isn’t anger, he’s having a spasm!  Somebody get that poor man some medical attention!”

Don’t be alarmed, this isn’t a spasm, it’s just Barret Flanders doing his thing.

He was so close to blow up and tear Cloud to shreds.

That’s a new one.  All the words are there, but for some reason the verbs are missing their present participle forms.  I’d say it could be that the author doesn’t speak English as the first language because they have a Japanese name, but I honestly can’t see somebody from Japan being okay with calling themselves Okurasu.  Plus, Japan has their own fanfiction sites, so you’d think our author would be over on one of those instead.

That said, the use of £ in the censor does pretty much out the writer as potentially being from the UK or from somewhere in the Commonwealth, such as Singapore.

Its fc&ing Christmas you dull s£t! Marlene has been waiting for ages!”

“I will say that this is probably the most inventive pointless censorship I’ve ever seen!”

Seems like Marlene could stand to wait a bit longer if it’s already been that long.  It’s just Christmas morning, it’ll still be there if you let Cloud sleep in a bit longer.

“Says you.  If we allowed it, you would probably sleep through the entire thing.”

Okay, yeah, I probably would.

Cloud then came to realize that it was in fact Christmas, he quickly jumped up from his bed and looked over to Marlene who had been standing by the door the whole time. “Oh sorry Marlene, I was in a very deep sleep, they get even more terrifying every time.”

“They?  Who’s they?”

The Sleep, I guess.  Maybe it’s a band?  Probably death metal or something if it’s frightening him.

“But if the band was playing in your room, it’d be easier to wake up.  If you weren’t already up.”

Don’t look at me, I wasn’t the one complaining that The Sleep was playing in my room.

Marlene then yelled, “Well your up now so LETS OPEN SOME PRESSIES!”

Well, it wouldn’t be a proper Barret Flanders if his daughter wasn’t also Flanderized.

“I think you were on the right track.  ‘Pressies’ also UK slang, something which the English translation of the game did not have much of if any; certainly not as part of Barret or Marlene’s dialogue.”

Wait, you’ve played the game?

“Swenia isn’t the only one who knows where you keep your collection.”

By this time Barret had calmed down, but was still frustrated that half of the day had gone and nothing had been done.

By this time?  What, that whole four seconds it took for Cloud and Marlene to exchange two lines of dialogue?

“He calms down pretty fast.”

All the more evidence that the author has missed their aim on Barret’s character.

Marlene ran as fast as her little legs can take her to the elevator and up to the main room.  Whilst walking to the elevator Cloud turns to Barret and says, “Lighten up Barret, it is Christmas after all.

Dammit author!  Pick a fucking tens- *Eliza shoves a cookie in Taco’s mouth* Mmmf.

“It’s Christmas, so be nice.”

*Munch munch*  Sorry.  Mmmm, Gumdrop really has outdone himself with these cookies.  I think those little chunks are candied Stegosaurus.

Barret’s teeth clenched one again and went for a swing on Cloud and CRASH! Barret’s gun arm completely misses Cloud and breaks a hole in the wall. “OH FOR FC& SAKE” Barret yells “I JUST BLOODY PAINTED THAT YESTERDAY!”

Thank you Barret Flanders, we really do need more of your hilarious overreactions.  At least that particular line of dialogue has pretty much clinched the UK connection.  Whether the UK itself, one of the Commonwealth areas, or somebody from Japan who speaks the Queen’s English (which, according to Frozen Poodle, is pretty typical for English speakers from Japan).

*A loud thud reverberates through the bunker*

“Hold on a sec.”  *Checks her phone*  “Apparently the repulsar guns aren’t powerful enough, and only slowed the text brick down rather than catching it.  They’ve asked Bifocals for an upgrade and she’s wandered off in search of a dryer sheet and an empty Tic Tak container.  Luckily the text brick wedged itself in the bunker’s ablative layer and they’ve got the pieces already en rout.”

“BARRET!” A sudden scream comes from downstairs, “Get up here right now and watch Marlene open her presents.”

It’s strange that the AVALANCHE crew seems so invested in Marlene opening presents.

“It’s rather nice of them, really.  Making sure the poor kid has a good Christmas.”

Stop making it hard to hate the fic!

*Stuffs another cookie in Taco’s mouth*  “Shush.”

It was Tifa, she had been cooking the Christmas dinner and needed to get the presents opened as soon as possible.

Uhh, what does opening the gifts have to do with Tifa cooking dinner?  What, are the gifts in the kitchen and she needs them out of the way?  That’s just poor planning, really.

“Maybe they’re planning on using some of the gifts in the food?  Maybe Marlene asked for a bunch of cookware for Christmas.”

I’d ask what kid would do that, but I’m pretty sure I asked for some kitchenware when I was ten.

Barret took his arm out of the wall and followed Cloud up the elevator. Whilst going up Cloud says to Barret, “Don’t waste your energy now we will need it to fight our way to Sephiroth.”

But we’ve definitely got time for Christmas.  No hurry on the whole Sephiroth thing.  Nope, not at all.

A silent pause and then “Yeah I know, I know lets just not think about him for today.”

“Sephiroth is barely important anyway.  May as well not think about him.”

As they get to the main room Tifa gets up from off the floor next to Marlene and struts over to Barret and says in a stern voice, “What was that crash down there? I told you to stop hitting those walls we just haven’t the money to keep fixing them. That’s the third time this week and it’s just getting out of hand.”

Oh look, it’s Tifa Flanders.  She’s the one who nags everyone all the time.

“To be fair to her, Barret really should stop breaking the wall; he needs to control his temper better.  Maybe we should send Jeff in there to-”

Oh no!  We’re NOT going down that road again.

Barret says nothing, just stands there looking helplessly at Tifa. His eyes widen. Tifa looks right at him and says forcefully, “don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, this isn’t going to get you out of it this time. You will have to find some job to do to repay for it, otherwise your out.”

Hey now, he’s got a job!

“I’m not sure Eco-Terrorist counts as a profession.”

It’s sort of a job.  It probably would pay well if they were more successful and actually stole a bit more.

Cloud rudely butts in and says “Well now that’s that, lets get Christmas started.”

Yes, how very rude to suggest they all do the thing they’ve been saying that they should be doing.

They all sat down around the Christmas tree and start finding which presents go to whom.

Holy crap, the author used ‘whom’ correctly!

Marlene jumped on Barret and said “Daddy.” Barret replied “Yes Marlene.” “Are Jessie, Biggs and Wedge coming round today?.

Why do you hate my brain, author?  It’s bad enough that all your dialogue is crammed together in giant blobs of word, but when you forget to close your quotes, it adds a whole new level of ‘what the hell is going on’ that I don’t need.

“Hey look!  It’s the questionmark-period.  Been a while since we’ve seen that punctuation.”

Barret looks over to Tifa and asked, “Did you invite the team over?” She then replied, “Yes, they will be coming round for Christmas dinner.”  Marlene looked to Barret and shouted with excitement “Yippee, I can’t wait.” Biggs, Wedge and Jessie had been friends with them for a long time.

And now it’s daybook!  Wheee!

They are all part of the group Avalanche to stop the Shinra to take over Midgar.

Ugh, very dense fail here.  First, Author, AVALANCHE is always all caps.  Second, Shinra OWNS Midgar.  Hell, they built the city.  If AVALANCHE’s goal was to prevent Shinra from taking over Midgar (which is not their goal), they have failed in the most fundamental way possible.

They constantly go to Seventh Heaven as they know Tifa will cook food for them whenever they need it.

“Yay!  Pointless exposition!”

Speaking of pointless, we’ve got a protracted gift opening scene coming at us.

Cloud picks up a present from under the tree and hands it over to Marlene. “Here ya’ go Marlene, this is from your good pal Cloud.”

“Yes, because that is how Cloud talks.”

To be fair, Cloud has such a wooden and uninteresting personality that I can’t really blame the author for subbing in something else.

Marlene’s eyes widen with amazement. “WOW THANKS CLOUD!” She quickly unwraps the present, not even bothering to look at the card that was given.

Kids, amirite?

She finally finishes unwrapping the whole thing and her mouth just drops to the floor.

“I bet it’s a thing!”

She just stares at the gift.

Dude, it’s totally a thing.

Moments pass and nothing is said then Cloud asks Marlene, “Do you know what it is?”

“Yup, a thing.”

She just shakes her head and keeps staring at this miracular item.

Damn, we were so close.

“I think it counts.  Miracular items are a modern twist on the thing.”

“It’s a pair of brass knuckles,” he told her.

*Facepalm* *Headdesk* *Bodywall* The fuck are you doing giving a pair of brass knuckles to a four year old!?

“How many different weapons did Jiwe end up getting for his first birthday, again?”

Fine, I retract the question.

“Its for you to use, not just for now but for later in life. When you can fight your way out of trouble”.

“What is the deal with the punctuation in this thing?  It’s some of the most inventive I’ve ever seen!”

Cloud, she’s four.  If you got an appropriate sized pair for her age, then she’s not going to be using it much later.  She’ll outgrow them in a year or two.  And if you got a pair she’ll be able to use when she’s older, then she won’t be able to use them now.

“Well, maybe they have a built-in bottle opener or something.  She could probably use that if there is one.”

Barret looked at Cloud and asked, “Where the hell did you get the money for them? They cost a fortune!”

For brass knuckles?  Since when?  They’re like maybe a half-pound of brass, if that.  You’re talking like 500 gil, tops.  You can get that for knocking over a few Shinra grunts.

Cloud replied, “Let’s just say I know a guy, who knows a guy, who’s got a friend, who then has a brother who makes them.”

“Comedy is unfortunately not the author’s strong suit.”

Author, do everyone a favor and don’t try to be funny again.

There’s a few moments of silence and then Tifa answers slowly, “right… anyway let’s get on with the rest of the presents.”

Thank you, Tifa.  If you can go the extra mile and just end the scene, I’d be forever in your debt.

Time passed and mess increased, it brought joy to those who received the gifts.

What, the mess?  Why would you be overjoyed that there’s a mess?

“I’ve heard some monkeys like a bit of squalor.  They find it warm and comforting to bed down in their own filth.”

You need to stop talking to Crunchy.

It was the first time Sector 7 had become quite cheery with decorations instead of being in a dull and depressing state as it usually is.

Because it’s just that easy to throw off the yoke of oppression the residents of the Midgar slums are living under and go all crazy with decorations and holiday cheer.

Lights Shining up the roads and houses, different decorations everywhere.

“Lights and decorations that they couldn’t possibly afford.”

People laughing and smiling. This day was definatly the best day Sector 7 had seen in a long while.

And likely the last, since most of these people will be squashed by the plate being cut loose.

“Too soon, Taco.”

Jessie and Biggs appear from the entrance to Sector 7 all dressed up neatly with gifts in the hands.  Biggs starts to sing to himself,

Oh gods, please don’t let him sing-

“Oh I just want her for my own, more than you could ever know, make my wish come true, baby all I want for Christmas is you…”

For fuck’s sake author!  It’s ridiculous enough for there to be Christmas in Midgar, but for them to have a song written and performed by Mariah Carey is beyond where the suspension of belief is even possible.

“Well, at least now I have an idea of what to listen to while we finish this thing.”

Sweet crap but that’s creepy.

“Creepy awesome, you mean!”

Jessie turns to Biggs and asks “What are you signing for?” He then replies, “I’m in the Christmas mood, its fantastic.”

“Is that how it works?  People in a Christmas mood sing Christmas songs?  I dunno, sounds like a lot of monkey silliness to me.”

Jessie answers, “Just shut up and let’s get to Seventh Heaven.”

I just realized something.  We just switched scenes mid paragraph.  This is like the exact opposite of a point of view tag.

“Well, we did say there weren’t any of those tags.”

Yes, and we were right.  In the worst way possible.

They arrive at Seventh Heaven and are greeted by Barret. Jessie looks at Barret and asks, “Why are you wearing a bright purple paper hat?” Biggs and Jessie start laughing the moment she finishes.

“This author is really going above and beyond the call of duty!  Not only are we being told and not shown, but we’re not even being told directly.  We’re getting to overhear what somebody else is being told about what is happening.”

This is a special breed of fail, right here.

“Just shut up” Barret replied. “Shut up and get the fc& in here.”

This is going to keep bothering me.  What is the deal with fic authors who can’t bring themselves to type swearing?  If you’re really that fucking worried about it, just leave it out!  Your fic is already gonna be garbage for including the censorship, cutting out swearing from characters who should swear is really going to be the lesser of two evils, here.  Or, you know, just grow up, use the word fuck, and toss an M rating on it like a big kid.

Both Biggs and Jessie walk into the pub, followed by Barret who quickly removes the Christmas cracker hat.

“Christmas Cracker?”

It’s a UK/Commonwealth thing.  I’ve also heard them called poppers.  These:

ChristmasCrackers_2

“Ooooh, yeah.  I think I’ve seen those down in the Specs and Co floors.”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS” both Biggs and Jessie yell. “Merry Christmas you two” Tifa replies. “Yeah Merry Christmas both of ya'” Cloud answers.

Author, stahp.  We get it, they all say Merry Christmas to each other.  Cut to the chase please.

“There’s going to be a chase?”

Given the pacing we have thus far?  No, there isn’t going to be a chase.  Or a point.

Marlene runs up to them and gives them a big hug and yells “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

STAHP.

Marlene then notices that Wedge isn’t there. “Umm, Jessie.” Jessie answered “yes Marlene what would you like?” Marlene then asks, “Where is Wedge? Isn’t he coming”

Author, you know it is possible to have characters who can say more than four or five words in a line of dialogue.

“The author knows.  Tifa said all kinds of words when she was nagging Barret.”

Greeeeeeeat.

They all sit around the table and then Jessie explains. “Well as we were coming here, we got half way and then Wedge has the sudden erge for ice-cream, we said to him that he could have some when we get here but he said to us that he had seen one back around the corner. So we told him that we would meet him here, he shouldn’t be too long.”

“Wow.”

Holy fuck, author, you just did daybook exposition IN the dialogue.  Be honest, this is a secret experiment to see if it’s possible to actually kill somebody by exposing them to stupidity, right?

Then there was a banging at the door, and it just swung open. “WEDGE!” Marlene shouted, “you’re here, MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

“Wait, so Wedge shows up promptly after they have a discussion about him being late?  Hold on, I think we have an image for this.”

pointless_by_tomska-d3e9upp

You have learned well.

This huge beast of a man, came waddling in, covered in chocolate ice-cream.

“Aaargh!  An ice-cream monster!” *Hides under her chair*

Uhh, it’s just Wedge.  Who is covered in ice cream.  Because reasons.

Wait, this is stereotyping him because he’s fat, isn’t it, author?  Way to bring the Christmas cheer, asshole.

“Merry Christmas everybody” he mumbled while still having a wafer crunching away in his mouth.

“Woof.”

Oh crap, not you too!

“Wedge for fc& sake, what the hell you comin’ here for lookin’ like that. Get cleaned up you messy s£t.” Barret told him.

That’s not getting any less painful to read.  The weirdest part is that Barret doesn’t swear nearly this much in the game.  So what the living fuck are you doing, author!?  You’re making him swear more often just so you can break out the censorship and show it off?  That’s pretty fucked up.

“What is it, pick on the Wedge day or somet’. Geese give me a break.” Wedge waddled into the bathroom whilst everyone else sat around the table.

“Great, it is about him being husky.  Why is it that authors can’t hold themselves back from breaking out the fat jokes?”

Lots of fic authors who write stuff of this caliber are pretty shallow and vapid.  Making fun of chubby people is likely the only thing that they’ve got going in their own lives.  Certainly not going to get by on their writing talent or wit, that’s for sure.

A breeze of warm air came from the kitchen, carrying with it the most sensational smell in the entire world.

“Compsognathus seven-layer cake!?”

Shhh, I promised Gumdrop I wouldn’t spoil the surprise.

Tifa brought over the food one by one, and then brought the big turkey.

“Okay, so we have food and Turkey.  What would you like.”

Hmmm, oh my but it all looks so nebulous!  I’ll take some white meat, and some of that food.  And maybe some of that food, too.

“Okay!   Do you want a little of this food, too?”

Naw, I’m trying to watch my weight over the holidays and food goes right to my body part.  Plus, gotta save a little room for food.

Everyone on the table mouth’s dropped and eyes opened wide.

There’s a lot of mouth dropping going on in the fic.  You would think the mouth is something that wouldn’t just up and fall off your face like they seem to be doing here.

“In my experience the mouth almost never comes off on its own, you always have to gnaw on it a bit.”

I was happier without that information.

Silence was among the table, no one said a word, only stared at the delicious golden turkey floating across the table and then placed at the top right next to Barret.

“Hold on, didn’t we have levitating turkey for lunch yesterday?”

Aaaawkward.

The only words that came out of Barret’s mouth as the turkey was placed were “Wow..”

*Facepalm*  Author, that’s one word.  This is basic writing that you’re screwing up.

Everyone was stunned by how delicious all this food looked and couldn’t wait to dig in.

“Are you sure you don’t want some more food?  There’s plenty.”

Oh, all right, it all looks so vague that I can’t help myself.  How about you load me up with another helping of food.  And I’ll go ahead and try the food, and the food too.

Tifa then sat onto her chair and said to everyone, “lets all listen to Cloud say the prayer this year.”

If this prayer doesn’t involve Gaea, the author fails Final Fantasy forever.

They all bowed there heads and waited for Cloud to say a prayer. “Uhh, ummm,” he was stunned, didn’t know what to say as he had never done anything like this before.

“It’s extremely hard following a tradition that doesn’t exist in your universe.”

Kinda rough getting put on the spot like that.  It’s like when I was asked to give the Gnarlax speech of Proloftin after the Framla.

“You did fine, though!  You only insulted half the crowd, which was way less than a normal Gnarlax speech.”

“Come on Cloud” said Barret, “We ain’t got all day ya’ know.”

NOOOOOOOOO!

“Darkwraiths!  Emergency comma, emergency comma!”

*A comma is launched into the fic via punctuation rail cannon.*

“Whew, that was a close one.”

Cloud replied “Okay” and took a deep breathe and said the prayer,

“Everyone brace themselves.”

“Our father thank you for this… delicious food we have been given, and we hope you enjoy watching us eat it as much as we enjoy eating. Amen.”

NO!  Fuck you, author!  Fuck you and your narrow, Christian-centric view of what prayers are!  Almost everyone in the FF7 world prays to Gaia, and those who don’t are the worshipers of Minerva.  Gaia, referred to a few times as the Mother, is the spirit of their planet; the embodiment of the lifestream that is the collection of all living energy. Minerva is the goddess who may or may not be the embodiment of Gaia’s consciousness.  There is no fucking “father” in FF7 theology.  Pull your head out of your own ass and try to understand that cultures don’t revolve around yours, nor are they secretly hoping that you’ll bust in and correct them on what the ‘real’ way to believe- Mmmf!

*Eliza shoves more cookies into Taco’s mouth*

“It’s Christmas, so I waited until you were almost done, but I think that will be enough ranting for today.”

Mmmf.

Everyone repeats “Amen,” and then dives in for the food, no words are spoken just grabbing and eating of all the food on the table. There was never a single word spoken as no one could with all the food they were chewing and swallowing. Until all the food was gone.

“That reminds me, I haven’t served myself any food.  There are so many food to choose from, I hardly know where to start!”

The food was pretty good, I can recommend it.  Might want to steer away from the food, though, it lacks substance.

One by one they went down the elevator to go and relax on the sofas and watch the big screen television.

I find it odd that these people, who are ostensibly friends with each other, tend to travel alone from one room to another.

“Well, that pinball elevator is pretty small.”

Hmm, fair enough, I suppose.

Everyone full up to the top of their stomach, no one can take any more food.

*ALARM BLARES*

Oh crap, get ready!  *Taco and Eliza pull gifts out from under their chairs*

*Two agents burst into the room, each holding a package*

Thanks for doing the gift exchange, guys.  Here, I’ve got one for agent John Johnson and Eliza has one for Ryan Ryan.  Lets all trade up and go to town!

*A flurry of unwrapping later, a pair of happy DRD agents leave with their gifts*

So, how did you fare?

“They got me the Beta release of the ZXR plasma saw for my Armslave!  How did they know!?  What did you get Taco?”

A pack of socks and a tie.

“Oh, well, um, that’s-”

How the hell did they know I needed socks!?  And this Tie has Steamboat Willie on it!

“Huh.”

Barret sat down on his big armchair and said to everyone, “It’s bin a wonderful Christmas, and I’m glad I spent it will you guys, but you can know get the fc& out of my pub.”

Hey, jerk Barret, was wondering if you were going to show up.

“Wish he would have brought some spelling with him.”

Everyone laughed apart from one which was Wedge as he was asleep on top of the pinball machine.

“Woof.”

You know you’re in trouble if you get the lump.

“I dunno, spending some quality time with Ishi wouldn’t be all bad.”

There is something seriously wrong with you.

Cloud said to Barret, “Switch it over to the news, see what other places are celebrating like.”

The hell does that even mean?

“Maybe ‘like’ is their slang for Christmas?”

Sure, let’s go with that.

Tifa also says, “oh ye, and there’s that competition on which sector is decorated the best.”

Author, the whole point of Midgar is that, unless you’re part of the corporate elite, it’s a shithole place to live.  Please don’t try to put that pig in a dress.

Barret reached for the remote and said, “Okay, okay hold your horses.” He switched over to the news and everyone looked at the television. “Breaking News, some black caped man has just brutally attacked sector 6 leaving only one alive.”

Okay, where the hell did that just come from!?  I mean, it’s nice to have a sudden event happen for surprise sake, but at least give us a new paragraph!

“This also is diverging wildly from canon.  Nobody ever attacks Sector 6.  In fact, there’s not much in Sector 6 until after the plate in Sector 7 is cut loose.”

We’re already pretty deep in AU territory with all the Christmas shenanigans.  Even so, how could he have just attacked Sector 6. Even with it being a bit of a ghost town, there were still a fair number of people living in the slums there.  It would take some time to kill everyone.  Unless the plate was dropped.  That’d be pretty quick.

“What the fc&” Barret says confused.

“Seems relatively clear to me.  Somebody in a cape just massacred a few hundred people.”

“The eye witness has this to say. He terrorised sector 6, destroying anything in his way. He brutally murdered innocent families. He’s after something but I don’t know what. He won’t stop until he gets what he wants. As you can see ladies and gentlemen this is an urgent News Break, stay in your homes and Shinra will do everything it can to find this monster and take him out.”

Author, please proof your work.  You just dropped a shit-ton of conflicting and illogical information on the audience.  For instance, if he’s destroying anything in his way, why did he go out of his way to kill everyone in the sector?  Seems that went quite a ways beyond just destroying things in his way.  If you don’t know what he’s after, how do you know he’s after something, and how do you know he’ll stop killing when he gets it?

“Not to mention, all of that is incredibly vague.”

One again, authors, there is a fundamental difference between being painfully vague, and being mysterious.

The room falls silent, all of them amazed of what has happened. Cloud stands and says “It’s Sephiroth, I won’t let him do this, I must go and kill him.”

“And suddenly the author has perfectly captured Cloud’s wooden and uninteresting personality.”

And they did it just in time to prevent any tension whatsoever.

Barret replies “Well you’re not going without avalanche. Let’s move out men, we have a monster to kill.

And, with that, the fic is done.  Yeah, it was a setup for… something.  I guess.  I’m not really surprised that the author never came back to this, honestly.  There’s every indication that the author had no idea where they were going with any of this, which is probably why, in the end, they decided to go nowhere with it.

“Even stranger, it’s listed as complete.  Which means that the author meant to just drop it with that huge divergence from the plot.  I assume we’re supposed to accept that the plot managed to get itself back to where it belongs after that point, which really in the end:”

This_225e8b_2122311

Until next week, patrons!

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90 Comments on “1276: Final Fantasy 7 Christmas – One Shot”

  1. SC says:

    You would think a ten-thousand year-old Sith Lord would know how to tell a toddler ‘no’.

    You assume far, far too much about Crunchy’s capabilities as a Sith Lord.

  2. SC says:

    In this case the plot is focused on the Christmas season going down in Sector 7 with the original members of AVALANCHE, so we can assume this is probably happening before the plate is dropped on Sector seven and kills most of them.

    To be perfectly honest with you, I was more broken up that those guys bit the big one than I was when Aerith did later. I mean, yeah, I was out my best healer, but by that point I had seen it coming and had my party spec’d to compensate.

    Nobody can compensate for Jessie, Biggs, or Wedge.

    Nobody.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Yeah. Aeris is also pretty generic a character so far as she goes, so I wasn’t really broken up about her dying.

      Then again, having played all the other FF before 7, I knew that Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge weren’t making it out of the first chapter alive.

  3. SC says:

    *CRUNCH*

    Sweet crap that was close! Been a while since I’ve had one of those fly my way.

    Lucky you had Eliza there to protect you.

    Bifocals, on the other hand…

    *Bifocals’ right arm protrudes from between the word wall and the bloodstained normal wall, twitching spasmodically*

  4. SC says:

    If you’ve never seen flanderized Barret, he’s an easy one to spot. All he does is swear, shout, and overreact to everything.

    Which, actually, is more CID’S turf. Barrett’s just a grumpy huge black man with a gun for an arm.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Even Cid doesn’t go so far as most people take Barret in fics. Though, usually when you see a Barret like this, the Cid you get is a horror show. Kinda glad this didn’t take place when Cid was going to be an option.

  5. GhostCat says:

    *Munch munch* Sorry. Mmmm, Gumdrop really has outdone himself with these cookies. I think those little chunks are candied Stegosaurus.

    He’s really thrown himself into the holidays; I had to stop him the other day when he was trying to bake a gingerbread Library. Non-Euclidean geometry isn’t something that can be expressed in cookie form.

  6. Ishi says:

    *Facepalm* *Headdesk* *Bodywall* The fuck are you doing giving a pair of brass knuckles to a four year old!?

    “How many different weapons did Jiwe end up getting for his first birthday, again?”

    Fine, I retract the question.

    One must respectfully agree; four years old is far too young to give such a gift. One so young does not have the strength necessary to properly utilize a bludgeoning device, slicing or stabbing weapons would be far more suitable.

  7. Ishi says:

    “I dunno, spending some quality time with Ishi wouldn’t be all bad.”

    [blushes]

    • TacoMagic says:

      I don’t think she was making a pass at you, Ishi. Pretty sure she’s not on the short list of people who aren’t terrified of your wife.

      • SC says:

        Shades is, though. Hell, Shades has tea with Kanai like every other week.

      • GhostCat says:

        I think Bifocals is Kanai-san’s bridge partner.

      • SC says:

        Glasses helps keep the ninja lounge tidy – especially after Saturday’s incident.

        And I think Specs gets free cookies just because he’s a lovable doof.

        Other than that, the Specs and Co. are pretty securely on her shit list.

      • Koori says:

        I don’t see what’s so scary about Kanai-obaasan, either.

      • "Lyle" says:

        You’re a kunoichi; very little scares you.

      • SC says:

        Soup Ninja Kira would disagree with you. But then again, she did kind of call down Kanai’s wrath on herself by being incredibly impolite during my TF2 riff.

        *Soup Ninja Kira walks by with an ice pack on her face, grumbling incoherently*

      • Cain: As are I, [CLASSIFIED], and Inexplicable.

        Corporal Jameson: Even the General is scared of her. We used to think that honor only went to Head Librarian Lyle.

        Cain: Where is my least favorite corrupt corporative executive, anyway?

        Corporal Jameson: Running her company. She does have that position for a reason, you know.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Kanai-san and I went to the same class on How to Terrify Your Coworkers. She beat me by one point on the final. Not that I’m bitter.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Also, author, if you can’t bring yourself to actually type out the cursing, don’t include it. Further, if you can’t bring yourself to type out profanity, you should probably have picked a fandom to write about that doesn’t have characters that use quite a lot of profanity.

    *looks over his shoulder*

    *quietly deletes document A District 9 Christmas from computer*

    *returns to browser*

    *whistles*

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    You will have to find some job to do to repay for it, otherwise your out.”

    If she doesn’t pay for it, he’ll remove her out! That’s pretty strict!

    I wonder if he’ll break it first, like Seth the Raptor did.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Shut up and get the fc& in here.”

    This is going to keep bothering me. What is the deal with fic authors who can’t bring themselves to type swearing? If you’re really that fucking worried about it, just leave it out! Your fic is already gonna be garbage for including the censorship, cutting out swearing from characters who should swear is really going to be the lesser of two evils, here. Or, you know, just grow up, use the word fuck, and toss an M rating on it like a big kid.

    And they don’t even appear to be censoring “fuck”, but rather “fca”.

    I don’t know why the name of an automaker is so blasphemous, but maybe in the UK…?

    • SC says:

      Well, in my family personally, Ford is looked upon with great disdain.

      As for the censoring, I feel like they do it to mimic the in-game censoring. Every time Barrett or Cid popped off, it would always be a comical stream of symbols like what you’d find in the funny pages.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Except that none of this is funny.

      • TacoMagic says:

        That’s one of the oddities of FF7. The original PS1 version of the game was completely uncensored, but the PC edition and all editions after had the bulk of the swearing censored or removed from the script. It made playing the PC version after having played the original PS1 version very… odd.

        I think it was because around that time the criteria for ESRB ratings changed between the releases that bumped FF7 up to mature without censoring. ESRB’s criteria for M has backed off quite a bit since then, but around the 1998-1999 mark, even having a single instance of swearing could be enough to earn your game an M.

      • SC says:

        I had a romhack of the PC version (would have just had the PS2 game, but my poor PS2 got murdered), so I had nothing but censors.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Well, to be a helper, 90% of the swearing in the game is covered by:

        SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

        That was basically Cid’s catch phrase.

      • SC says:

        My personal favorite (that I had to translate on my own) was, “Sit your ass down and drink your damn tea!”

        Cid: hostile hospitality extraordinaire.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Well as we were coming here, we got half way and then Wedge has the sudden erge for ice-cream

    What’s an “erge”?

    It sounds like a good name for a frontman of a hard rock group.

  12. GhostCat says:

    I’d say it could be that the author doesn’t speak English as the first language because they have a Japanese name, but I honestly can’t see somebody from Japan being okay with calling themselves Okurasu.

    Yeesh. That would be worse than calling yourself “otaku”.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    no words are spoken just grabbing and eating of all the food on the table. There was never a single word spoken as no one could

    *ALARM BLARES*

    Oh bother.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Meanwhile, in Taco’s music playlist, this comes up:

    Thank you, playlist, that was very apropos.

  15. "Lyle" says:

    “Our father thank you for this… delicious food we have been given, and we hope you enjoy watching us eat it as much as we enjoy eating. Amen.”

    Well, that’s still a much better prayer than the Thanksgiving when my now-mother-in-law broke into tears and asked everyone why we all can’t just get along. She was banned from saying grace after that.

  16. "Lyle" says:

    What did you get Taco?”

    A pack of socks and a tie.

    “Oh, well, um, that’s-”

    How the hell did they know I needed socks!?

    We did Secret Santa at work. One of my coworkers gave my other coworker 15 pairs of novelty socks (sushi socks, yeti socks, french fry socks… etc etc etc). She was so excited and I will admit I was incredibly jealous.

  17. "Lyle" says:

    Barret sat down on his big armchair and said to everyone, “It’s bin a wonderful Christmas, and I’m glad I spent it will you guys, but you can know get the fc& out of my pub.”

    Hate to break it to you, Barret, but it’s Tifa’s bar, not yours. She just lets you use it as the headquarters of AVALANCHE.

    • SC says:

      Oh Barrett, thinking he’s an entrepreneur when he’s really a terrorist against the premiere power company/military force/government of the world. He’s silly like that.

      (By the way, I’ve always found it hilariously stupid that Shinra is a power company who rules the world by military dominion.)

  18. SC says:

    “Ooooh, yeah. I think I’ve seen those down in the Specs and Co floors.”

    Those weren’t poppers.

    Those were Bifocals’ hyper-condensed plasma battery cells.

    OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED.

    • CrunchyRaptor says:

      It was a understandable mistake that anyone could have made, really. I think we can all agree that it was no one’s fault that there was a massive plasma explosion.

      I have been assured by the contractors that they should be able to repair more than half of the damage, so there really is no reason to look into this any further. Certainly there is no need to point fingers.


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