1269: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-Four

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

“Ugh!  Are we still doing this thing!?”

Yup, another two weeks.

“It’s going so much slower than I imagined!”

Pretty true of the whole fic, really.  Last chapter was pretty empty of substance.  I really doesn’t need a recap beyond that spooky stuff happened on the ghost ship that was too vague to be interesting or useful to the audience and then Rose, Dart, Meru, and Stanky ended up falling into the ocean and getting swept away.  That’s pretty much it.  After getting swept away they find themselves

Chapter XXXIV: Stranded in Lidiera

“Well would you look at that, there’s an author’s note in this one.  Just when we thought this author would be able to avoid that pitfall.”

Author’s Note: Sorry for the erratic uploading schedule.

You shouldn’t be apologetic.  Forgiving the fact that everyone is happier when you don’t update, you aren’t on a strict schedule and you aren’t being paid to maintain a schedule.  Your schedule is whatever you decide it is.  The importance you give your writing will decide how often you do it more than anything else.  If you find yourself with other things on your plate that you view as more important, then go ahead and do those things.

Just got a job, so I’m busier than usual, but I’m not gonna let that stop me.

“Spoilers: He does let it stop him.”

Not surprising.  Generally when you see an author’s note apologizing for a spotty upload schedule due to a new job, going to school, or similar, that author stops posting within a month or two.  It’s a pretty normal and understandable thing. As you get older priorities change constantly, so some things end up getting left behind.  Especially things that you don’t actually like doing as much as you think you do.  Fanfiction tends to be one of these that commonly gets left behind because too, too many authors are only doing it to try to get some attention and have no actual passion for writing.  Which, I think, is true of this author as well.

I’m just getting used to my new weekly schedule, so I’ll most likely be back to the normal uploading schedule soon.

“Spoilers: He does not get back to a normal uploading schedule.”

Yup, he posts one more chapter and then vanishes.  And since it’s been over two years, I think it’s safe to say that he isn’t coming back.

“Which, good riddance.  The fewer plagiarists who cram their uninteresting author-inserts into the stuff they steal, the better.”

I can safely say that the entire fanfiction community is enriched with his absence.

Stryfe found himself in a white void, seemingly floating around for what seemed to be forever.

“And this is different from normal because…”

The void here is white instead of void colored.

“Ahh.”

There was nothing in all directions as he slowly looked around for any sign of life or anything out of the color white.

“He was looking for anything out of the color white?  What the hell does that even mean?”

He suddenly then heard a familiar voice call out to him, a voice he hasn’t heard in eighteen years.

No.  Fuck you, author, and your idiotic, trite, Littlefoot-inspired mother visions.

Stryfe: That…voice…

Those nose.

“Dat ears.”

“Stryfe…”

Stryfe: M…Mother…?

Fake surprise

He didn’t know if what he was seeing was real or an illusion, but his mother was right in front of him. She looked exactly the way she did the day she died at Neet eighteen years prior.

“Wasn’t the last time he saw her when she was crushed under a building?”

Yes.  A building that was on fire.

“She must look great.”

Stryfe felt his eyes fill with tears as he mustered the courage and strength to speak to her.

Is talking to one’s mother that much of a task that you have to steel yourself to do it?

“You’ve obviously never met my mother.”

Stryfe: Mother…why are you…?

“Well.  She’s dead, and you just fell into the water and were dragged under.  Do the math, genius.”

Vitile: Stryfe…It’s not your time to die.

“Booo!”  *Throws popcorn at the fic*

I forgot how stupid her name was.  I was happier in that ignorance.

Stryfe: Mom…wait…

Vitile: You have to go back…Someone you care for is waiting for you…

He’s waiting for himself?

“If there are two of him now, I’m leaving.”

As Vitile slowly floated away from him, Stryfe reached out for her, only to be blinded by a bright light as his mother faded away.

Well.  That scene was very…

“Pointless?”

Extremely.

When he opened his eyes,
he found himself in a cave along a beach, the sound of the ocean outside calmly ringing in his ears. He then saw that he was laying right next to Meru, whos hand he was still holding, causing him to blush a bit.

Now a normal person would be less worried about ‘OMG I iz touching gerl! Sew HAWT!!!1!’ after being washed out to sea and then discovering they were still alive, and more worried about checking for injuries, taking stock of their surroundings, and seeing if they are still in any immediate danger.

“Survival is for wusses.”

He also noticed Dart and Rose sleeping next to a fire which had just burned out after a long night of sustainment.

Once again, our author tires to use a big word and completely fails.

Stryfe then heard a mumble coming from Meru’s direction, noticing that she was beginning to wake up.

So the PCC is now manufacturing unconsciousness?

“Dude, they’ve been making unconsciousness for ages.  It was one of their first products.  How else do you think they’ve been able to sell so many prophetic dreams?”

Stryfe: Meru…?

Meru: Uh…Stryfe…?

Stryfe: Are you okay…?

Meru: I…think so.

Goddamn but that is some hardcore ellipsis abuse.  If we didn’t already have so many of those in the spare punctuation box, I’d nab a few of those.

The two then noticed that they were still holding hands, causing them to immediately let go, both blushing with embarrassment.

Stryfe: S-Sorry…

Meru: It-It’s fine…

“If there’s one thing I love, it’s watching two people with the emotional maturity of ten-year-olds interact romantically.  If they’re this flustered by simple physical contact, imagine how scandalized they’ll be when Stanky tries to put his penis in her.”

Just as he noticed Dart and Rose beginning to wake up as well, Stryfe then heard a dog barking nearby. Looking to where the sound was coming from, Stryfe saw a dog with it’s owner, a young boy, looking at the four of them with a look of surprise across his face. The boy introduced himself to them as Pete, with his dog named Pooch, a sort of typical name for a dog.

Geh, the prose is so lifeless.  I think I’d rather be watching a documentary on grass cultivation.

Leading them to his village, Pete told Stryfe, Meru, Dart and Rose that they ended up in the small island of Lidiera after being shipwrecked the night piror.

“Kid sure knows a lot about what they went through for being surprised to find them there.”

Maybe he was just surprised they were alive.  Probably just used to finding dead bodies in that cave or something.

Entering his small hut, Pete introduced them to his mother, who was very sick, but was still able to put on a smile since it’s been some time since visitors showed up in Lidiera.

For the love of fuck, author!  Show us stuff!  This lifeless exposition is making wallpapering videos seem like a thrilling alternative!

After explaining their part of the situation to them, Stryfe noticed Pooch sitting near him, wagging his tail.

The hell does that first half of the sentence even mean?  They described their part of ‘the situation’ to themselves?  What is this nonsense!?

“I think Stanky’s part of ‘the situation’ is probably small and underwhelming.  That’s probably why he wields such a huge sword.”

Stryfe: Heh, hey there.

Pete: Pooch, you like him, don’t ya?

Well, dogs do love the smell of anus, so it makes perfect sense when you think about it.

Meru: Aww, you really love animals, don’t you Stryfe? *giggles*

“Because this is totally NOT a random character trait that’s been folded in hastily.  Not at all.”

Pete: I was surprised to find the four of you. Nobody would think that there are people here on Lidiera.

“Is he saying that he’s surprised that they would wash up there even with it being common knowledge that Lidiera is uninhabited?”

Generally I only wash up in places where I know there will be people to talk to.  Foolish move on their part to pick Lidiera.

Dart: We owe you our lives, Pete.

“For finding us in a cave as we were waking up uninjured.”

Very heroic of Pete.

Stryfe: And we owe you as well, Pooch.

For sniffing the giant anus.

Pete: By the way, are the four of you couples? Cause I saw you four snuggled up together in the cave.

“Those four person relationships are really complicated.  You only make that mistake once or twice.”

Don’t want to know.

Stryfe and Meru blushed heavily in response to the question, but Dart and Rose only shook their heads.

Such a great couple!  I love how they’re embarrassed to be affiliated with each other.

Dart: Well, I guess you can say that Stryfe and Meru are definitely in love.

“Much to everyone’s chagrin.”

SHE SAID THE WORD!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

“Sometimes I wonder about you Librarians.”

Stryfe: D-Dammit Dart, cut it out!

Pete: Mister Stryfe and Miss Meru are indeed showing signs of it.

“Yup.  The way that they’re constantly repulsed by physical contact, or the way they avoid looking at each other, or even the way they don’t want to be seen together in public.  All the signs of deep, fulfilling emotional bond, right there.”

Meru: Oh! Would you just mind your own business!?

Just oozing with romantic disgust.

Pete’s Mother: You two surely look cute together.

Stryfe: Well…um…

Meru: I…uh…

Rose: Look, that’s enough of this silliness.

Thank the gods that Rose is there to inject some sanity into this nausea-inducing nonsense!

“If she didn’t have such staunch competition from the king and bandit knight B, she’d easily be best character.”

Dart: The four of us are looking for our friends, actually. There’s eight of us.

Pete: Okay, but you don’t need to be shy.

The fuck?  Did that kid just make a pass at Dart?  That’s pretty fucked up even for fanfiction, author.

Dart: It-it’s nothing like that! Me and Rose are…

Stryfe: Heh, Shana would definitely be pissed if she were here.

What, because somebody made an erroneous assumption about a person’s relationship that turned out to be unfounded?  Yeah, I’m sure Shana would hit the ceiling over such a trivial thing.

“This writing would be less sad if it wasn’t coming from a guy who claims to be twenty-three.  I’m just going to assume he doesn’t have any actual experience with relationships.”

Either that or he’s so entrenched in his personal weeaboo world that he can’t help but write in tired Anime tropes.

Meru: Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?

Whoa there!  Where did Meru go and where did this snide asshole come from?

“Stufluence is a hell of a disease.  Makes your brain go all wonky.”

Before anyone could laugh, Pete’s mother began coughing severely.

See what you guys did!?  Your insipid, juvenile shenanigans has given that poor woman bronchitis!

Stryfe: Ma’am…how sick are you?

Pete’s Mother: It’s nothing. *cough* *wheeze*

Stryfe: That doesn’t sound like it’s “nothing”.

Pete: Actually, there’s a clinic in the next town over.

So not only are there people living on this uninhabited island, but there are multiple towns.  This is why you don’t trust rumors!

Rose: Neighboring town?

Pete: It’s Fueno. That’s the port town where they have a boat that leaves for Donau.

“Not to mention a port town with a ferry to the mainland.  Whoever started the rumor that Lidiera is uninhabited was quite the masterful troll.”

Wait, so if there’s a ferry, how can they be stranded?

“Plot says so.”

Ah, right.

Stryfe: It that’s the case…

Meru: Then the Queen’s Fury must be there!

I’m beginning to think the author doesn’t know what the word ‘stranded’ means.

“Might as well add it to the pile of other words he doesn’t understand.”

Dart: Wait. Then why don’t you take your mother to Fueno, Pete?

Pete: Cuz there’s a monster on the way there in the Undersea Cavern.

Within the confines of the canon world, ‘There’s a monster in the way’ is about as valid an excuse for not doing something as you’re likely to see.

Pete’s Mother: I know we don’t have guests that much, but we need to let them go.

“And get eaten by the monster.”

Better than letting them stay, that’s for sure.

Pete: Okay…Mister Stryfe, I hope you guys can reunite with your friends soon.

Stryfe: I hope so too. But we’ll be back, that’s a promise.

Dart: Let’s go, Stryfe.

and_they_were_never_heard_from_again_by_topgull-d6jr3td

Leaving the hut, the four crossed the small bridge connecting it from the platform it floated on to the main village, heading east towards the Undersea Cavern.

Woof.  *Rubs throat* Two more days of this.

“And then something else that has a good chance of being awkward.”

You’re not helping.

As they neared the cavern, Stryfe heard someone call out to him, Meru, Dart and Rose.  Turning around, he saw Pete running towards them.

Stryfe: Pete? What’s wrong?

Pete: Would you please take us to Funao?

“I dunno, kid.  How important are you?  You aren’t very attractive so you’re really going to have to come up with a good reason for Stanky to care.”

Canon plot is that the group  helps Pete.

“That’ll do it.  Stanky maintains the plot at all cost.”

Dart: What made you change your mind?

Uhh, Dart, he never said that he didn’t want to come, just that they didn’t want to get eated by the Grue cave monster.  You and Rose are decked out in armor and all four of you are visibly armed.  I’m thinking it doesn’t take a Shana to connect the dots here.

Pete: I’m scared of the monster, but I have to go before it’s too late.

Stryfe: It’s about your mother…isn’t it?

“No shit, genius.  Did you work that out yourself, or did you have to text Shana?”

Pete: I want her to get better.

Stryfe: Alright. Go and get her, we’ll wait here for you.

Yes because she seems like she’s in great shape to travel.  Through a damp cave.  Good jerb, Stanky.

“Still better at medicine than Kale.”

Rose: I can annihilate the monster for you, too.

“She’s pretty confident.”

Well, given her backstory, I’d say a certain level of confidence in her combat abilities are warranted.

Everyone looked at Rose with a confused look on their faces. It was unusual for Rose to say something like that to help others.

Thanks for spelling that out, author.  We definitely couldn’t have figured that out ourselves.

“We iz stupid reeders!”

Rose: Did I say something wrong?

Meru: What was that, Rose!?

Stryfe: It’s not that you said anything wrong, it’s just…

Dart: You never said anything like that before.

Technically most of her sentence was dedicated to the eradication of something, which isn’t really out of the ordinary for her.  It just so happens to overlap with helping somebody.

Stryfe: Pete, go get your mother. We’ll be here when you return.

“Wait, you’re sending a [ERROR: NOT FOUND]-year-old boy back to carry his ill mother all by himself?  You really are a turdy little bastard, aren’t you?”

Pete: Thank you, Mister Stryfe!

The fic reads a lot better if you pretend Pete is being sarcastic.

As Pete ran back to Lidiera to get his mother, Stryfe looked at Rose with curiosity.

Rose: What are you looking at?

Stryfe: Heh, it’s nothing.

“Stanky, can you stop being a creepy asshole for five minutes and just back off the women?  Maybe get a ball or something that you can bounce while the adults talk.”

After Pete came back with his mother, the group set out for the Undersea Cavern, which connected Lidiera to the city of Funao via underground passageways.
Heading along the pathways above the raging currents below them, Stryfe saw Pete look down on them with fear in his eyes.

Pretty normal reaction to realizing that you’re going to have to be traveling with Stanky.

Stryfe: You okay, kid?

Pete: Yeah. It’s just, ever since the monster appeared, the water has never ebbed.

“What kid talks like that?”

One that’s been poorly translated, I think.

Stryfe: Sounds like it must have some magical influence over water if it causes stuff like this to happen.

Can you reign that shit in, Captain Obvious?  It’s worse than normal this week.

Pete: But it’s okay, cause Fueno is not this way.

“Then, uh, why are you all going this way?”

Stryfe: Well, let’s keep going. We don’t wanna lose the others.

Yes, let’s keep going in the wrong direction!  If we far enough, we’ll get there anyway!

Catching up with the rest of the group, the six continued further into the cavern, eventually finding the exit.

Hey look, the six of them caught up to the six of them!

Heading outside, they crossed over the plains of the larger island until a port city came into their view.

“See, you go the wrong direction, you arrive where you’re going anyway!  That’s totally how it works!”

Wait, what the hell happened to the monster?

“I think they fought it off screen.”

Fucking hell.

Stryfe then immediately spotted the Queen’s Fury in the distance at the port, realizing that Meru’s prediction that their friends could be there was right.

Just going to toss this out there:

strand·ed: left without the means to move from somewhere.

Author, come clean, you have no clue how to word, do you?

As Stryfe walked down the hill and towards the city of Funeo, Stryfe noticed Meru walking beside him, giving him a wink as they made eye contact…

*Swenia hands Taco a glass filled with whiskey* “Here’s the plan:  We drink until that sentence no longer triggers our gag reflexes.”

Deal!  *Taco takes a deep swig of his drink.*

“Shouldn’t Cerbs be here to go nuts?”

He sent me a text saying he had a schedule conflict but he’s sending a stand in-

*Gumdrop bursts through the wall holding a giant flute*  GUMDROP HERE TO MUSIC!!

“Oh, God, give me strength.  See you next week patrons!  We’ll be here trying to explain things to Gummy.”

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18 Comments on “1269: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-Four”

  1. GhostCat says:

    No. Fuck you, author, and your idiotic, trite, Littlefoot-inspired mother visions.

    Please tell me there’s no talking clouds.

  2. GhostCat says:

    “Wasn’t the last time he saw her when she was crushed under a building?”

    Yes. A building that was on fire.

    “She must look great.”

    And wasn’t Stryfe like four at the time? I don’t remember what my mother looked like when I was that young.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Such a great couple! I love how they’re embarrassed to be affiliated with each other.

    Well, I would be embarrassed to be associated with Stryper here too.

  4. GhostCat says:

    When he opened his eyes,
    he found himself in a cave along a beach, the sound of the ocean outside calmly ringing in his ears.

    A ringing in the ears isn’t something I associate with being calm. It would be annoying. And what is with the wonky formatting?

    • TacoMagic says:

      It crops up once in a while when he’s put a carriage return at the end of a line rather than just letting the word processor handle it. Given everything else that’s wrong, it’s one of those things I’ve just kind of ignored because it’s not really noticeable until I break up the paragraphs.

  5. GhostCat says:

    If they’re this flustered by simple physical contact, imagine how scandalized they’ll be when Stanky tries to put his penis in her.

    I’m fine without that particular mental image, thanks.

  6. GhostCat says:

    Geh, the prose is so lifeless. I think I’d rather be watching a documentary on grass cultivation.

    :digs through DVD bin:

    I’ve got a BBC program on the hazards of the Edwardian home. I really liked the part where they discuss arsenical dyes in flocked wallpaper.

  7. GhostCat says:

    Everyone looked at Rose with a confused look on their faces.

    Character Blob not understand these human emotions you speak of.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    “If there’s one thing I love, it’s watching two people with the emotional maturity of ten-year-olds interact romantically. If they’re this flustered by simple physical contact, imagine how scandalized they’ll be when Stanky tries to put his penis in her.”

    It’s pretty bad when Harry-Sue and Ryu-Insert had better romantic interaction than these guys.

    • GhostCat says:

      Samurai Jack and Jewel Sue had better romantic interactions, and she straight-up brain-raped him in his sleep rather than having an actual conversation with him.


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