1266: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Two

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by agigabyte

Dakota: Welcome back! Vice Admiral agig is here as well.

agig: Now I know you’ll just love this. Here we go!

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 2

It was a bright sunny morning on the Normany,

Dakota: *Stares in disbelief at the fic* A bright sunny morning… on a spaceship.

agig: Well, if last chapter wasn’t indicative of the quality, this sentence is.

and Garfield was waking up in bed with Miranda after night of love makings.

“Garfield will you please stay longer.” Whined Miranda.

“No Saucy lips, I must go do morning exercises to stay fit.” Said Garfield with athletics.

Garfield entered the weight room and began lifting 500 pound dumbbells in each hand for easy warm up.

agig: Really? I’m pretty sure he weighs far less than that. Also, why the hell does the Normandy have 500 pound weights?

Dakota: Maybe their original plan was to get a Krogan named Starfield, but they accidentally recruited Garfield instead.

agig: Makes as much sense as the rest of this fic, so sure! It’s

canon_logo_3244

“These are womens weights, I wish Allusive man would give me real weights for manly exercise.” Said Garfield with objection.

Dakota: Jesus, this fic is more sexist than EP.

agig: *Stares at Dakota*

Dakota: And now that I think about the words that came out of my mouth, I feel stupid.

As Garfield was lifting his weights, EDI the ships computer spoke to Garfield with urgency.

Dakota: This is one of the few times the fic’s trend of “spoke to with X” actually works.

“Garfield we are having reports of new team member for you to recruit. It is Tali the Quarian. She is in flotilla investigating geth.

agig: That’s… not when or where you recruited her. You found her after the Horizon mission and at least one more. ON A FUCKING PLANET! NOT THE FLOTILLA!

“Than it is time for galactic rescue! Put Rocket boosters on turbo!” Said Garfield eyes blazing with courageousness.

Dakota: Have fun flying through space for trillions of years.

Garfield rushed to bridge of ship to gather his teammates. Miranda approached with Grunt the Krogan.

“Hello Garfield, I am Grunt the team krogan and I will be helping you with mission.” Said Grunt the Krogan with admiration of Garfields warriorness.

“I am glad to have you on team Krogan man, now we will go going to gather Tali, so get your gears into rear!” Said Garfield in a demanding tone.

agig: *Snerk* Get your gears into rear. I think switched you up a few words.

Garfield and crew landed on the flotilla and was readying disembarking when they saw Quarian school children picking on quarian classmate with glasses.

Dakota: Gl…. Glass… Glasses? GLASSES?! THEY HAVE VISORS YOU MORON! THEY DO NOT HAVE FUCKING GLASSES!

“Haha you have glasses.” Jeered the school children.

“Nooo it is not my fault I have eyes, leave me be.” Said the Quarian.

Garfield seeing this bullying, was enraged with anger.

Garfield and crew landed on the flotilla and was readying disembarking when they saw Quarian school children picking on quarian classmate with glasses.

Garfield seeing this bullying, was enraged with anger.

*Intercom comes online*

Jill Karina: Sirs, we’ve got contacts. Seventy Two DRD ships. Including several Battleships and Battlecarriers, along with one Dreadnought.

agig: Jesus. That’s twice the ships we have. Thankfully, we at least have the power of the SDQF on our side.

*The camera focuses on the space between the fleets, where seven hundred and twenty drone ships are flying towards the DRD fleet*

agig: In three… two… one…

*The drones FTL jump inside the DRD ships, causing explosions as the atoms collide*

Dakota: And if that would have any consequences in real life, well… This.

“Be gone you childhood bullies!” Cried out Garfield as be back handed the children into unconsciousness.

agig: They live in sealed environments. To knock them unconscious, you, being able to easily lift 500 pound weights, would break their sealed environments and every bone in their bodies. You would then be sent to prison for killing children. GG.

“Thank you Garfield from saving me from the bullies.” Said the Quarian with glasses with gratitude.

“No problem poor crippled child, will you tell me where Tali the Quarian is?” Said Garfield with calm demeanor.

“You had better ask the admirals, they are at the admiralty board.” Said the Quarian with glasses, worriedly.

With this Garfield and crew rushed to the Admiralty board with speed of rampaging wolf pack. Admiralty board was in a meeting when Garfield interrupted with great urgency.

“Where is Tali the Quarian?! I need her for my team to stop collectors!” shouted Garfield over their babblings.

“Tali is on the Alarei ship investigating geth. Geth took control of ship and she is to blame!” Said one Admiral.

“She is treason!” Said another Admiral with contempt.

agig: The fuck is this? Polandball?!

“If you do not quiet yourself I will treason you!” roared Garfield with indignations fury.

“Tali is on trial and trying to find evidence of innocence, if you want to find her to go Alarei ship” Said another admiral.

“Very well I will find Tali the Quarian and prove innocence like world class lawyer!” Said Garfield with law and order.

Garfield and crew boarded the Alarei and did detective sleuthing to find tali. During their search they encountered Geth.

Dakota: As you do, when roaming a Geth-infested ship.

“Stop Garfield!” Shouted one of the Geths with evil. The Geth approached Garfield with angry walk.

“You may be manly Garfield but I am a metal man, you stand no chance.” Said the Geth intimidatingly.

After taunting Garfield, the Geth reared its arm and swung at Garfield hitting him in the stomach, but his metal fist shattered on Garfields abs of steel.

“You may be a metal man but I am MAN OF IRON!”

Dakota: I’m pretty sure the Geth are far tougher than Iron.

roared Garfield with triumph as he tore the Geths head off and threw it at the other Geth destroying them.

Dakota: Oh, dear. I think that a character blob just fell into Crunchy’s Volcano.

After battle Garfield and crew marched and continued their search. In one hall they heard loud noises of blasting and rushed in rescue mode. There they saw Tali pinned by Giant Geth Bot!

“Help me Garfield I am trapped by Giant Geth Bot!” Cried out Tali the Quarian as she fought for her life.

“I am coming to full force rescue!” Declared Garfield with heroism.

“No, Garfield you must not go there is no cover.” Said Miranda with concern.

“MY FISTS WILL BE THE COVER!” Shouted Garfield with battlecry as he charged the Giant Geth Bot.

agig: He proceeded to get mercilessly killed. No one mourned.

The Giant Geth Bot launched rockets with fury at Garfield but Garfield dodged them like stealthy snake as he approached the Giant Geth Bot.

“Hoho Garfield! I am big and you are small! Prepare to lose!” Said the Giant Geth Bot with smug sensation.

Dakota: I can hear Goddess saying “that’s what she said” already.

“You are big like pregnant woman!” Cried out Garfield with manliness as he picked up the Giant Geth Bot and threw it out into outer space.

agig: He, Grunt, Miranda, and Tali were sucked into space as well. Tali was the only survivor, and no one mourned.

“Nooo I am in space!” Cried the Giant Geth Bot in robotic pain as it flew through space.

“Thank you Garfield for speedy rescue but I must go find my father and proof my innocence.” Said Tali the Quarian.

“Then we will go with rescue in mind!” Cried out Garfield.

In the next hallway they saw an injured Quarian, it was Talis father! They rush forward with urgency.

Dakota: “Talis father”. So there are multiple Tali’s now?

“Daddy we have come to save you.” Said Tali with crying.

“It is too late I am injured, but I have terrible secret to tell you, I am really Geth. So sorry.” Said Talis father with regret.

Dakota: “Hey, Tali, I’m secretly a hated machine and have been pretending to be your biological dad this entire time. srry.

“NOOOOOOOO.” Screamed Tali in despair rage.

“If you are Geth I must kill you.” Said Garfield with purpose.

“Yes Garfield you must end me for my crimes.” Said Talis father looking at the stars.

Dakota: So he got sucked into space, too?

Garfield pulled out his Desert Eagle

Dakota: His… Desert Eagle? What’s that?

agig: Dunno. Let me look it up. *Looks up a desert eagle on the internet* It’s a pistol originally produced in… 1982.

Dakota: *Headdesk* I really love these padded headdeks.

and shot Talis father several times all over.

“Thank you for killing me Garfield.” Said Talis Father as he died.

“We must go back to fleet and prove your innocence.” Said Garfield looking at Tali with cat eyes.

“Ok, please don’t tell admirals my father was a geth it is very embarrassing.” Said Tali with weeping heart.

Dakota: I think it’s a bit more than just embarrassing.

Garfield and crew returned to Flotilla for trial where Garfield stood as Talis high powered Washington lawyer.

“Where is proof of talis innocence, it is obvious she is guilty, she will be banished.” Said a stupid admiral with moron words.

“If you do not find Tali innocent I will sink this ship.” Said Garfield, aiming a rocket launcher at the ships engine.

Dakota:… from another room entirely.

Admirals look at each other with discussion, and then came to a solution.

“It is clear that Tali is 100 percent innocent, thank you Garfield for your perfect defense, you are now an honorary Quarian.” Said all of the admirals simultaneously.

Dakota: Immediately after he lowered his rocket launcher and put it back into SDQF, the Quarian Marines shot and killed him, before exiling Tali. No one mourned.

After much praise was given for Garfields bravery and legal abilities, Garfield and crew returned to the Normany. Garfield decided to perform check up on Tali to see how she was doing, and went down to engine room for discussions.

“Here Tali I brought special lasagna soup for you to enjoy.” Said Garfield caringly.

“Thank you Garfield for all your help, in honor of you I will change my name to Tali Vas Garfield.” Said Tali with deep Gratitude and loving.

agig: *Headdesk* She named herself “Tali, crew of Garfield”? *Headdesk* Those are nice.

“No problem baby pants.” Said Garfield with flirting.

Dakota: Oh no, this entire fic is going to be him having sex with a woman at the end of every chapter.

Tali looked into Garfield eyes with deepness of space and spoke with soft loving. As she spoke she used her Omni-tool to play Whitesnake power ballads to set the mood.

“I have been alone my life until now, but I finally found someone who understands me.” Said Tali with romantic intentions.

agig:

“No problem I find your suit very sexy.” Said Garfield with wink and nod.

agig:

“Garfield you complete me, please be mine.” Said Tali embracing Garfield.

agig:

“I will steer my starship into your black hole.” Said Garfield with deep sexy voice.

agig:

They embraced and made lovings in the engine room all night long to the rhythms of roaring engine and rockin music.

To be continued….

agig: *Prepares to link something*

Dakota: Sir. Please stop linking Jontron clips. We’ll run out.

agig: Point taken. Well, anyway, see you guys next time.

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23 Comments on “1266: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter Two”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Dakota: Gl…. Glass… Glasses? GLASSES?! THEY HAVE VISORS YOU MORON! THEY DO NOT HAVE FUCKING GLASSES!

    To be fair, if they did have glasses, how would you tell?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Dakota: “Talis father”. So there are multiple Tali’s now?

    Well, they keep specifying “Tali the Quarian“, so apparently there are other Talis of other species wandering around somewhere else.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Ok, please don’t tell admirals my father was a geth it is very embarrassing.” Said Tali with weeping heart.

    She should see a doctor about that. That cannot be healthy.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Here Tali I brought special lasagna soup for you to enjoy.”


    Ew.

  5. "Lyle" says:

    You know, as bad as this story is, something about it is secretly awesome because it’s so bad. EP-levels of sexism aside, a fat orange cat-sanova is doing things “with explosive” and I can’t fucking stop laughing.

  6. GhostCat says:

    Garfield seeing this bullying, was enraged with anger.

    Enraged with anger? That sounds kind of …

    :alarms blare:

    Oh, crapcakes.

  7. GhostCat says:

    “You are big like pregnant woman!” Cried out Garfield with manliness

    Wha?

  8. GhostCat says:

    and shot Talis father several times all over.

    “Thank you for killing me Garfield.” Said Talis Father as he died.

    If he’s been shot multiple times with a Desert Eagle handgun, I don’t think he’s going to be doing much talking afterwards.

  9. GhostCat says:

    “If you do not find Tali innocent I will sink this ship.” Said Garfield, aiming a rocket launcher at the ships engine.

    So his defense is that they either find her innocent or he kills everyone, including himself?

  10. GhostCat says:

    Tali looked into Garfield eyes with deepness of space and spoke with soft loving. As she spoke she used her Omni-tool to play Whitesnake power ballads to set the mood.

    This is going to be bad.

    “I will steer my starship into your black hole.” Said Garfield with deep sexy voice.

    That’s it. I’m out.

    :leaves bunker, slamming door behind her:

  11. leobracer says:

    This author needs to change his name to Dumbass McBarffag, because he is in no shape or form like Shakespeare or Hemingway.

    Speaking of which, he apparently mispelled Hemingway.

  12. In other news, I just riffed something I write when I was nine.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    “If you do not quiet yourself I will treason you!” roared Garfield with indignations fury.

    Nuh-uh. I got treason as a kid so can’t get it anymore, jerk.

  14. Swenia says:

    Garfield pulled out his Desert Eagle

    *Strolls back into the room with a plasma carbine and peppers the smoldering remains of the table*


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