1264: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 10 & 11

 

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 10
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Welcome, dear Patrons!

:tosses confetti into the air:

YAY! It’s the last chapter! Last two chapters, actually, but one of those is just an Author’s Note so it doesn’t really count.

In the previous chapter, not much happened besides the fact that Kyo-Sue found out she was pregnant. Everyone took the news that an underaged and unmarried high school student was knocked up remarkably well despite the intense prejudices against unwed mothers in Japan. I suppose the fact that she shares a room with her fiance kind of makes it inevitable, if no less stupid.

On to the last chapter!

XOXOXOXOXOXOX I now own OHSHC YAY!XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The hell you do.

Kyoya: no she doesn’t

Kyoko: I so do

Kyoya: no you don’t

:headdesk:

Ghostie want to do violent things now.

Kyoko: I know I wish I did thank you for ruining my dreams

That’s what I’m here for.

Chapter 10: Tomorrow is better…

So far it hasn’t been.

I guess an argument could be made that her life is better – at the beginning of the fic she was living in America with her abusive father and now she lives in Japan and has friends and a fiance – but it’s been the sort of snowballing wish fulfillment that a little kid telling a story to a grown-up would use.

The author must have been incredibly young when they wrote this fic, because the naivety just drips out of every chapter.

I had been a long few months in planning the fair god this was tiring, good thing it’s fanally here thank God, but after yesterdays advents something is bond to go wrong.

Sweet mercy, this is getting so hard to read.

At the end of the previous chapter it looked like the Ouran school fair was going to happen soon, but now it looks as if they had months to plan for it. I don’t know for certain, but I don’t really think the students would put that much work into a school festival.

I was currently eight months pregnant and due in three weeks so I’m aloud to do nothing it sucks,

If you’re that close to term, then you really aren’t going to feel like doing much except go to the bathroom.

so I’m sitting at a table close to Haruhi, with my mother when I see my father-almost-in-law hit Kyoya across the face.

She saw her who? Why … Why is it written like that? Shouldn’t “almost” go in the front?

This is something that happens in the series, his father slaps Kyouya-senpai because he thinks the host club is a frivolous waste of time, but it’s odd that this one incident would be included when thus far nothing else from the anime or manga has made it into the fic.

“You will never be good enough to own my company.” his father says as I walk up.

What? Why are you saying that?

“You’re wrong.” I say so only those two men can hear, they do and look at me.

“What did you just say?” Yoshio asked me.

Yeah, what did you just say?

” I said you’re wrong, Kyoya would make an excellent heir to your company, whether you think so or not. What you saying is that you are going to give your company to someone who hasn’t worked for it, Kyoya on the other hand has been working his whole entire life to please you, if you hand the rights to you company to one of you older sons, your handing to them on a silver platter, they haven’t worked for hence fourth they don’t deserve it.” Kyoya looks at me, and So does Yoshio.

Probably because that’s not why his father slapped Kyouya-senpai. As I mentioned, Yoshio does slap him but it isn’t for the reasons Kyo-Sue gives. (It’s implied that Yoshio’s company is having financial troubles and he took things out on his son by reacting more strongly than he normally would have.) Yoshio never says anything about Kyouya-senpai not being worthy of his company, at least not at this time.

Do you know what Kyo-Sue sounds like? She sounds more like one of those rabid fangirls frothing at the mouth because her husbando isn’t getting what she feels he deserves. All of this is information you could pick up from the series – but not a single hint has been given within the fic. The fic has focused on Kyo-Sue and her problems, with Kyouya-senpai pushed into the role of bodyguard/chauffeur.

“And besides , if Kyoya doesn’t get your company, he get mine either way, it the largest medical company in the world, gives you something to think about,

You say that as if Yoshio is unaware that Kyouya-senpai is marrying into your family to become the next company heir. He was probably there when the engagement was arranged. In fact, if Kyouya-senpai is running Kyo-Sue’s company, then he wouldn’t really be eligible to inherit his family’s company without merging the two together. If that’s what Yoshio wants, then he should be falling all over himself to make Kyouya-senpai the next heir.

Now if you don’t mind I need to go a sit down.” I say and walk away not waiting for his answer, I walk to me mother when out of nowhere, I feel pain across my face.

Did she just walk into a wall? So much for her dramatic exit.

“Why hello father, it’s good to see you again.” I say and regain my composure.

I’m glad you can see him, because so far I have nothing but Void.

“You really were a slut, your pregnant at sixteen.” he spit at me.

If he’s a disembodied voice, how can he still spit?

“I’m sorry you’re going to have to leave you aren’t welcome here.” I hear Kyoya say as he grabs me and pulls me close.

Shouldn’t you have already signaled the bodyguards?

“So you’re that Ootori boy who gets my company.” he slurs.

You mean the boy you engaged your infant daughter to? Yeah, that’s him. I assume by the slurring that you’re supposed to be drunk or otherwise intoxicated on top of all of your other flaws, so I can understand it if you don’t remember some things.

” Don’t try to sweet talk your way out of this.” Kyoya says right as to of his secret police takes him out.

Calling your daughter a slut really isn’t considered sweet-talking. And why did the secret police take out Kyouya-senpai? Is Daddy Dumbass really invisible?

“Um thanks…” I say and look up at him.

:crosses fingers: Please don’t kiss, please don’t kiss, please don’t kiss…

“Kyoya, I have to go sing.” I say and run off to Lena and Kisa

On second thought, I’m fine with a kiss.

“Hey everybody it my Kyoko,

Huh?

Safehouse is going to perform a cover of a song called You’ll be in my heart.” I say and grab one of the three mikes and throw the other two at Lena and Kisa.

:headdesk:

Why does everyone keep throwing mikes around? Those are precision acoustical devices! And I really don’t want to have to sit through this song yet again. The only odd part is some wonky formatting; it switches from italics to normal text several times.

We sang together.

A capella style, since there was absolutely no mention of any musical accompaniment.

The people applaud and we bowed and I went back to my mother as we were moment before.

Once again the musical interlude is completely pointless and serves only to inflate the Sue’s ego. Nothing but a complete waste of time.

“Your right my dear Yoshio is wrong, and I’m glad to say Kyoya will make an excellent heir to our company.” my mother says as she drinks her tea.

See? They are simply picking the thread up from before the song! It was nothing but useless filler!

Here’s a free tip, author – if you can completely cut out a scene and it changes absolutely nothing, that scene doesn’t belong.

“Now we have to do in get Tamaki back, and life well be good.” I say and drink the water I had.

They need to do what with who? Are you even trying to form complete thoughts anymore?

We sit there and talk for a while when I hear someone say,

“Tamaki’s Headed to the airport.”

Thanks, Random Bystander. I thought we were going to be stuck sipping tea for the rest of the chapter.

“What?” I say and jump from my seat and walk over to where all the host gathered .

She’s pretty spry for someone who is supposed to be eight months pregnant.

“He is leaving.” Kyoya said.

“Your joking right?” Kyoya gives me a look.

He’s probably wondering why you’re so interested in his best friend and if there’s a chance your baby will be blonde or blue-eyed.

“Haruhi, if you love something you have to go after it.” I say, I’ve seen how they look at each other I can tell she loves him.

That’s Kyouya-senpai; Haru-chan’s over there :waves towards the Void: somewhere. I’m almost certain that Kyouya-senpai doesn’t feel “that way” about Tamaki-senpai. (There are some fics where he does, but this isn’t one of them.)

“What are you talking about Senpie?” she says and walk up to her and whisper.

Wait, she had to walk over to where Haru-chan was standing? Then how was Kyo-Sue able to talk to her before?

“You love him I can see it, I know it’s there you can’t lie.” I whisper so only she can here me.

:squints:

Those look suspiciously like song lyrics.

“Kyoya isn’t out limo in the parking garage?” I ask, he nods his head.

Why would the limo remain at school? Wouldn’t it make more sense to drop the kids off and then send the car back later to pick them up after classes are over? It’s not as if they don’t know when they are going to leave; schools operate on a schedule, y’know.

“Come on, operation get the king back has began. And if any of you tell me I can’t come well I want listen.” I say and take the lead.

Again – you are eight months pregnant, you said so yourself. Do you really want to be jostled around in a car in your condition?

Parking Garage still Kyoko POV

What the bloody hell is that?!?

” We were ordered by your father to keep you here.” the special police guy says.

Thanks for the exposition, Random Black Onion Squad Member!

Who is the Black Onion Squad? That’s the name of the Ootori private security force. I know this because I can Google.

“Hikaru, Kaoru, Lena , Kisa and Haruhi take the carriage.” I say, and the all hop up on in Kaoru takes the reins.

This is also something that happens in the series, but if you didn’t know that there was a horse-drawn carriage at the school fair then it would be nothing but nonsense because the author hasn’t attempted to establish anything.

Some stuff happens

:headdesk:

It’s one thing to jokingly construct a sentence like this, but if you’re serious then you need to just back away from your keyboard and reevaluate your writing.

Huni and Mori senpei beet the shit out of the police dudes,

On one hand I’m glad I don’t have to suffer through a poorly written fight sequence, but on the other hand I’m just imagining Huni-senpai and Mori-senpai bashing the poor bodyguards with sticks until beets come out of their bodies like they’re some sort of vegan piñatas.

when something unexpected happens, my water just broke.

You know what? I do not find this the least bit surprising despite the fact that she shouldn’t be going into labor for another month. This sequence is all about Haru-chan accepting her feelings for Tamaki-senpai, since this would draw attention away from Kyo-Sue she has to do something that would focus the plot back on her.

“Kyoya!” I scream and he looks at me.

“My water just broke!” I scream again,

Why is she screaming so much? From what I’ve read, this is the least painful part of the birthing process.

“Hospital now.” told his driver.

If your water just broke, he’s probably going to be able to tell. Or he’ll think you wet yourself.

I don’t have first-hand knowledge of this so I could be wrong, but I don’t think labor begins with your water breaking. From what I’ve read, the water doesn’t even always break on its own and often has to be ruptured manually by the doctor. The contractions should have started well before this point and since Kyo-Sue is so far from her due date she should have gone to a doctor, who may have put her on bed rest or checked her into that “privet hospital” owned by the Ootori family to prevent a premature birth.

And what driver is he talking to? They never got into the limo; they couldn’t, which is why the others took the carriage instead. And Huni-senpai and Mori-senpai are beating up the two guards, one of whom is probably the limo’s chauffer.

Haruhi’s POV

Oh, no; did the author drag you into this, too? Poor Haru-chan.

Tamaki got us both out of the water and I see everyone,

Damn. How much water came out of Kyo-Sue? They were in a horse-drawn carriage, for pity’s sake.

Wait, Tamaki-senpai wasn’t with them, how did he … Oh, I see. There’s been a time-skip.

In the series there is a car/carriage chase where the host club members go after Tamaki-senpai which culminates in Haru-chan and Tamaki-senpai landing in water; it’s all very dramatic, but none of it has been described in the fic so if you’re not intimately familiar with the series then this would just be more nonsense.

Lena screaming at HIkaru to be carefull, Hikaru telling her not to worry, Kaoru telling Kisa to let them be, Kisa giving all three of them the evil eye, Hunny eating a cookie and giving I piece to Lena, who is be told no by-

This Character Blob is really active. I’m kind of wondering why Huni-senpai and Mori-senpai are there, though, since they stayed behind to distract the bodyguards.

“Um….. where are Kyoya and Kyoko?” I ask seeing I can’t find them.

I know you’ve been busy, but you didn’t notice two people were missing until right this moment?

“There at the hospital, Kyoko went into laber.” Lena says as she eats a cookie.

How do you know that? The Character Blob left before Kyo-Sue’s water broke. Did she tweet about it on the way to the hospital?

“To the hospital.” Tamaki says and we all pile up in the limo.

Tamaki-senpai is awfully restrained; that isn’t like him at all.

All I got from this was that the author wanted to fast-forward through the canon events that would draw attention away from her self-insert and turn the plot directly back to her – because she’s the center of the universe, apparently. It’s rushed, it’s forced, and if you didn’t have at least some familiarity with the canon events then it would be nothing but nonsense because there’s nothing described in-fic.

Hospital Kyoko POV\

Kyo-Sue has transformed herself into a hospital?

The doctor handed me a beautiful baby girl, she has dark brown hair, purple eyes, she just beautiful.

Why does she have purple eyes? I know this is based on an anime/manga, but OHSHC is one of the few to avoid Technicolor features and sticks to more natural tones. And Kyo-Sue was described as having violet blue eyes, but Kyoya-senpai has brown eyes and blue is a recessive color; the only way his child could have blue eyes would be if he carries the gene, which isn’t very common within the Japanese phenotype.

Tamaki-senpai might have some ‘splaining to do after all.

Also – this baby is a month early; it should be in the prenatal care unit right now.

“What are we going to name her?” I ask my husband to be.

She’s been pregnant for eight months and they never discussed names? EVER?

“What about Miyoko , beautiful child.” Kyoya says and takes her from me.

That’s pretty, but you really should spend more than ten seconds coming up with your child’s name – especially in Japan, where you often have to select the kanji you want to use to write it so that it has significant meaning.

“I Love it, Miyoko Ootori.” I say and Kyoya kissed me forehead.

Did you get married at some point and just time-skip over if? Because that’s the only way you could legally use his family name.

” Now all I have to do is lose the baby fat before the wedding and all will be right with the world.” I declare and Kyoya laughs at me.

Wait, wait, wait – you’re not married? The fic’s been trying to have it both ways, but seriously? You’ve been pregnant for months, and you never married?

:headdesk:

This is a huge problem. There is a terrible stigma placed on illegitimate children in Japan, family is such an ingrained part of Japanese culture that only around two percent of children are born illegitimate. The whole ordeal would be considered a scandal, especially among traditional families like the Ootori. They would have insisted on the two getting married as quickly as possible. And if they aren’t married, Kyo-Sue cannot claim the Ootori name for her child. Even if they marry, Miyoko will have to be adopted into the family.

“Mr. Ootori there are people wishing to see you and your wife.” a nurse says.

They aren’t married! She was just talking about losing weight for the wedding!

“Send them end please.” I says and sit up.

“Onee-san, how are you feeling?” Lena yelled kinda loudly.

She just had a baby, how do you think she feels?

“Who gave her a cookie?” I ask.

How do you know it was a cookie? You weren’t there in the Character Blob. And how quickly did she have this baby? The timeline is getting very murky here.

“And I’m fine now clam down Lena, Hikaru what did you do?” I say and point to his arm.

“Me what about you?” he demanded.

She had a baby! Why is this such a shock? You knew she was pregnant and that she went to the hospital to have the child. I’d rather know about this mysterious thing that seems to have happened to Hikaru’s arm.

“Shhhhhh… the baby is sleeping.” I say and point at the small child in Kyoya arms.

I really hope it isn’t necessary to point out which object in the room is a baby.

“Haruhi why are you all wet?” I ask her, she soaked to the bone, she didn’t explain.

That narrows down the timeline quite a bit, they must have raced to get here from the water, but now I’m wondering how Kyo-Sue managed to give birth before they got there. She left the school roughly the same time Haru-chan and the others left in the carriage to go after Tamaki-senpai and they came straight to her afterwards. That gives a very, very short period of time for Kyo-Sue to get checked into a hospital, be prepped for the birth, give birth, and recover enough to be coherent.

We all sat in that room for awhile we talk and the baby slept, Around nine or so they left, and I fell asleep.

Is it nine in the morning, or nine at night? Because one seems very early to have done all of that, while the other seems far too late.

Four months later Kyoko POV

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

I was walking around the apartment Me and Kyoya own,

I thought you two lived in the Ootori house? How can two high school students afford their own apartment in Tokyo, especially one spacious enough to walk around in.

Kyoya didn’t let me go to school today so me and my mother are taking Miyoko.

That seems like an over-reaction. Sure, it was unreasonable of him to arbitrarily tell you not to attend school if you have been, but that’s no reason to take the child and leave.

My mother walked in the Kitchen with my little sister at her side walking and Miyoko on her hip. I had made lunch.

You seem far less upset about missing school than was previously implied.

“Come her Miyoko, Mommy want to see you.” I reach for my baby and she reached for me so I took her.

Mommy needs to learn proper grammatical structure so she doesn’t teach Baby bad habits.

” Hey Yumiko, it’s good seeing you.” Mother had just picked her up from daycare.

I completely forgot Kyo-Sue had a little sister. I think she made one very brief appearance in an early chapter. Clearly this character was integral to the plot.

“Hey sissy.” she said and hugged me.

That is not what you would call her; Neechan, Oneesan, Neesan, something like that would be more appropriate. “Sissy” is a diminutive of “sister”; as far as I know it’s only used in America. I know it’s widely used in the South, much the way “Bubba” is used for “brother”.

We eat lunch and talk Miyoko falls asleep in my arms as I sing her a lullaby.

Sweet mercy, not more singing. And it’s the same damned song from Tarzan!

I’m just going to skip right over it, although this is the first time this lullaby has been used as it was intended and not as a love ballad.

I sing to her and take her to her room, and put her in her crib.

“Sleep well my beautiful child, I love you.” I say and leave the room.

I seriously doubt the author has any experience with children, because her ideas regarding baby behaviour are exceptionally naive. As are her ideas regarding relationships in general.

I walk back to the kitchen, and see the Host Club in my living room, oh no.

“Someone care to explain why my Husband and our friends aren’t at school?” I ask.

Does that mean they are actually married now? There’s been no mention of a wedding except when Kyo-Sue said that she would need to lose weight for it, so I’m really confused now.

“His idea,.” the girls say and point at Tamaki.

“Should have guessed.” I say and we all burst up in laughter.

Tomorrow had finally gotten better.

I can almost hear the fake sitcom laugh track and see everyone freeze in place as the credits start to roll.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

And now on to the inevitable Author’s Note.

the last chapter, what did you think, I hoped you liked the story, I had fun writing it.

At least one of us had fun.

Love Kyoko Ootori,

Least subtle self-insert ever – and given our history of self-inserts that is really saying something.

Oh one more thing should there or should there not be a sequel?

Dear gods, no!

and if ther is on tell me what you want it to be about, and the time frame that it should take place, last year of high school, after high school or Miyoko’s childhood? send me a massage or put it in your review.

So you essentially want us to write out the fic for you? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. If you don’t have any more ideas for these characters – and clearly you don’t given the slap-dash way this thing was written – then leave them alone. You’ll either think of something later or the idea has reached its end.

Word count…..BTW this is the longest chapter …..1,723…..

Yeah, but you shoved in two lumps of copy-pasta song lyrics so that makes this far less of an accomplishment than it sounds.

Now there’s a special treat – a second Author’s Note that was added on in a later edit. Nothing else – like the countless grammar problems and wonky word-choice errors – was changed at the time, though.

Hey everyone! It me I have big news im going to rewrite Tomorrow is Always Better because I have improved my writing style and I need to rewrite it im going to keep the original up until the rewrite is complete . Thanks for reading!

Love La’ Rae and Ninjas;)

As you might be able to tell from the AN, the writing style hasn’t improved; as this fic progressed it actually got worse. The re-write is just as bad, but in a different way. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to go straight into it or give myself a little break first. Only time will tell.

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14 Comments on “1264: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 10 & 11”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Chapter 10: Tomorrow is better…

    So far it hasn’t been.

    I dunno, this is the end of the ‘fic so tomorrow is guaranteed to be a t least a little bit better…

  2. Ghostie want to do violent things now.

    Cain: *Hands Ghostie a shock stick creation system* All you have to do is tap Mr. Crowbar with it and he’ll be able to shock people who touch the end, much like a cattle prod.

  3. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Ghostie want to do violent things now.

    Ghostie smash?

  4. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Hospital Kyoko POV\

    Kyo-Sue has transformed herself into a hospital?

    Why not? She transformed into a parking garage earlier.

  5. Swenia says:

    “Kyoya, I have to go sing.” I say and run off to Lena and Kisa

    *Flips the table over, fishes a grenade out of her blouse, pulls the pin, drops the grenade beside the upturned table, and walks away without looking back*

  6. TacoMagic says:

    Some stuff happens

    AHA! A stuff!

  7. "Lyle" says:

    From what I’ve read, the water doesn’t even always break on its own and often has to be ruptured manually by the doctor.

    Truth. My son was 10 days late arriving and, while I went into sudden, intense, and rapid labor the doctor had to use the medical crochet hook to pop my water. It wasn’t doing it on its own.

    Alternatively, Taco was 2 weeks early and our mother’s water broke right as she was sitting down on a toilet to tinkle. There was the sound of urination without her having started peeing yet. What luck she was on a toilet, though.


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