1261: Real RWBY: Chapters 1-4

Title: Real RWBY
Author: Cynicalnerd
Media: Anime
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:  Chapter 1, 2, 3 & 4
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Well, we got another story out in front of us.

Nora: More RWBY? What about the Final Hunt?

Ert: There was only one chapter left and that didn’t have enough substance for me to work with

Nora: The Halloween party isn’t enough for you?

Ert: You just need a certain amount of story to rift. It’s why reviewing bad stories on this website is a little trickier than it looks. You can go out and find a crappy 1,000 word story without breaking a sweat, but if you review that, your review is over the second it starts. You need to find a story with some longevity to it, at the very least 10,000 words.

Cornelia: This story barely breaks that.

Ert: True, but it’s hard to track down truly bad masterpieces at times, and this one is a RWBY self insert, that’ll keep us going for two weeks at the very least. Hopefully we’ll find something a little more juicy that isn’t EP related for once afterwards.

disclaimer: i do not own RWBY or any other references used throughout this story, these are just used for entertainment, anyway enjoy

Real RWBY

Nora: And I’m already annoyed, what does that title even MEAN!? Is it a Real Housewives of X type deal?

Ert: God I hope not.

“Hmm…what should I do?” I ask to myself, pondering over all the games I have on my steam.

Cornelia: *Snort* For someone who claims he doesn’t own anything he references, he’s got a bad way of wording it.

“Warcraft 3? Nah…not in the mood, StarCraft 2? Nope…can’t be bothered being destroyed by zerg for the hundredth time…OHH I know, I can play Warframe, let’s do it!”

Nora: Remember that half assed ME self insert with Jen Kye Herr did way back when? This is officially a step down from that in terms of people just deciding to play video games. At least in terms of description and building up to it.

Cornelia: Also he was apparently in a Real Time Strategy mood considering he brought up both Warcraft 3 and Starcraft 2. But he settled on a Free to Play third person shooter? Little random.

As I click on my steam library the monitor fuzzes “that’s weird, it’s never done that before”

Ert: Yeah I’m pretty sure you’ve never seen a computer screen “Fuzzed” before. Whatever that means.

I continue to scroll down the list of games and click on Warframe. Then the screen flickers to an image of Beacon, with people living their normal lives “wooaahhh, cool”

Nora: Why is it that the reasons for self-inserts get worse each time? I honestly think that this is worse than EP getting struck by lightning, at least there was something related to the world he’s going into. It was dumb because he was just holding a bag of warhammer miniatures, but that’s still better than playing a video game that has nothing to do with the world you’re about to go to.

Ert: Also his reaction is “Cool,” and not the more likely “THE FUCK!?”

I feel a gently wind pushing me into the image which quickly turns into a gale force wind and shoves me in, I hit my head off…god knows what, then I blacked out.

“Uggghhhh…where am i?” I say rubbing my head as I stand up, having no memory of what just happened

Cornelia: He doesn’t have any memory of the previous parts of the story that took thirty seconds to read? What’s the point of that? Please tell me we’re not getting amnesia in this story.

“Ummm…why the arse do I have Dante’s sword from devil may cry?

Cornelia:…Well that was fast.

Ert: No kidding. Why is it every time I try and review a non-crossover it turns into a crossover anyway? Subject-23 had its nonsensical dimension hopping, Twin Humanities was Black Rock Shooter with guest star Dark Souls, and now we’ve got Devil May Cry muscling in on a RWBY story. Granted a DMC/RWBY crossover could probably work better than the crossover elements in those other stories, but this story isn’t going to be the one to deliver.

(Gary Stu Counter: 1)

Nora: In fact lets just ding that another time for magical computer.

(Gary Stu Counter: 2)

Cornelia: Shouldn’t he have a Warfare weapon considering that game is the reason he ended up in the world of RWBY?

Not that I’m complaining or anything, I always want one” I swing it about to get used to it…then I realise where I am

Ert: And he can easily swing around Dante’s sword, which I would like to remind everyone, is very fucking big.

“Why the balls am I in an abandoned scho-”

“We can’t have another witness get him” a man with a bowler hat on and black suit yells to his goons

Nora: The man with a bowler hat that suddenly emerged from nothingness.

‘Why does he look like TotalBiscuit?’ I thought to myself ‘let’s just beat him up and then ask questions’

Ert: That’s the reasonable approach. I’ll just beat the crap out of him with his comically oversized sword that I’ve had five seconds of practice for. The edges are blunt right?

With that I immediately pulled Rebellion (Dante’s sword, for those who don’t know :P)

Nora: Would it’ve been that hard to establish that in story? “He looked onto his back and saw Rebellion, Dante’s sword from Devil May Cry.” Come on people, this is just lazy.

out of its sheath and slashed straight up sending a massive energy wave to propel it’s self forward and cleanly cut 3 goons in half.

Cornelia:……..Ok first of all, let’s start with how this is wrong according to science. He slashed the sword up and sent out an energy wave, and the energy wave propelled him forward as a result. Let’s pretend that Dante’s sword can do this (We haven’t played the games but we’re pretty sure he can’t) and let’s also remember how Newton’s Laws work. He would’ve been propelled BACKWARDS! If you have a force pushing forward and its located directly in front of you, it’d push back on you and send you backwards.

Nora: So that’s one ding for defying physics. Second of all, his mindset was “Beat him up,” and he went straight from that to bisecting three people. In one go. With a weapon he had never used before, and yet he had managed to produce an energy wave with. So that’s a second ding for inconsistent behavior and jumping straight to murder, and a third for being awesome out of nowhere.

Ert: And lastly, rather minor, but how are these thugs all lined up in a way so that this guy (Who doesn’t have a name yet BTW) could get them in one go? What where they marching in single file? A fourth ding just for the universe falling into place for this brat.

(Gary Stu Counter: 6)

‘I can get used to being a badass’ with that thought I twirled around to slash through another goon before ducking and stabbing my sword straight up behind me to push the sword straight through the last goons head.

Ert: Glad to see you’re not shaken up by this at all you little psychopath. Seriously, even if this was in self defense, people tend to be shaken up when they kill another person for the first time. Contrary to the way people act in movies, it’s something that’s really traumatizing to do, even if the victim is despicable. That and most people don’t kill others in utterly brutal ways, even if it’s someone who has it coming.

(Gary Stu Counter: 7)

‘I think that’s it…time to find where I am’ I walk out of the school to find that I am in a small town.

‘…wait….i know this place…I’M IN VALE, WHY THE ARSE AM I IN VALE, IN RWBY HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN

Nora: Well he’s jumping to conclusions quickly. “I IZ IN SMOL TOWN! I IZ IN WRLD OF RBWY! ONLY EXPELNATION”

…wait the portal must have dragged me in here for some reason…well time to find someone I know here’

Ert: What portal? You looked at your computer screen, felt a breeze, then blacked out.

with that thought I walked down the street, a hand resting on Rebellions handle, for when something bad happens.

‘EUREKA, I think that’s Beacon…time to see if I can charm team RWBY or JNPR to take me on…OWW!’ My thoughts were interrupted by walking straight into someone.

Nora: So, just to recap, this guy brutally killed five people within eyeshot of Beacon Academy. One, what the hell were criminals doing that close to a school with very close military connections? Two, well that’s awfully lockup for you what’s your face, imagine if you got stuck in another world and had no idea where you were. Three, yeah, the main characters will most certainly love you

“Owww…” she said while rubbing her head. ‘Wait…that’s Ruby…well time to get to work’

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you at all, I was thinking about how much I wanted to be a hunter” I offer my hand down to pick her up

Ert: Man the narration in this story just doesn’t exist. I’d say it was along the lines of “Oh there’s a thing,” and then there was a thing, except it’s only half of that. Also what’s his face wants to be a Hunter. Instead of, you know, GETTING HOME! This is something that really irritates me about self inserts. People treat being transported to a world filled with hostile creatures like it’s a game, because now they have a chance to be awesome.  Unless it was a super friendly world in reality they’d be crying on the ground.  And even if it was there would be a chance.

“Thanks and I see, I’m training to be one now, this just my day off”

“Uh huh, the names Lewis”

Cornelia: Well we know what the author’s name is now.

“Ruby Rose, nice to meet you friend” she starts to walk away into town ‘on no you don’t’

“Hey Ruby do you know how I can get into Beacon?”

“Yeah you have to-“

Ert: Pass numerous exams, attend other schools prior to it, and overall it’s a process that will take many years but you’re not going to have to deal with that because main character, am I right?

“HEY! Strange man with traditional Chinese outfit on!” I turn round to see Team JNPR looking at me with their weapons drawn. “Yes?”

Ert: Uh…..

Ert: This? And how do these people know what China is? (And this author appears to be from the UK so I’m not sure why he’s wearing a “traditional Chinese outfit.” Even if he immigrated that sounds like something that wouldn’t blend in very well.)

Nora: And team JNPR out of nowhere.

“We’re you are the abandoned school downtown?” Pyrrha asks me with a strict and stern tone in her voice

‘Crap, busted’ I thought

Nora: THOSE MULTILATED BODIES WERE THERE WHEN I GOT THERE!

Ert: That reminds me. He never cleaned off his sword. Shouldn’t Ruby be a little concerned by the blood stained giant sword this guy has? I mean it was technically in self defense but she doesn’t know that.

Chapter 2: A Welcome

“Well?” Pyrrha wasn’t going to back down, so I had to think of something and fast because if I didn’t, I’ll have my head taken off…several times over “What happens if I was?”

“Nothing, really, you saved us from clearing it out, thank you” Pyrrha spoke out with relief, putting her weapon away, like the rest of the team was

Cornelia: That man did our job for us! Let’s approach him with weapons drawn and act hostile towards him! Also, I think that if they’re sending four Huntsmen and Huntresses to take on five low level thugs, I’m pretty sure they planed on taking them ALIVE! So yeah. Thanks Lewy.

‘Females, on second they hate you, the next you are their friend’ my brain lovingly thought instead of thinking of a way to get me into Beacon.

Nora: I beg your fucking pardon? Don’t worry, that won’t be a problem with Cornelia and I. One second we’ll hate you, the next second we’ll still hate you because you’re a charmless little shit.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to deal with…them” Jaune piped in, almost like he was scared to go in the first place. “OH! Idea!”

“Huh? WHAT ARE YOU DO-GLAHHH!” Ruby had grabbed my collar and ran full speed towards Beacon, dashing straight through crowds of people shouting “sorry!” every now and again.

Ert: I know Ruby can be a little impulsive but this? No.

“Annnddddd, we’re here!” Ruby announced while letting go of an almost unconscious and lacking of air me. “Next time, w-warn *cough* me” I say while trying to get up, “so where did you whisk me away to?”

“Professor Ozpins office”

“Any reason?” I ask, knowing all too well that he is the headmaster of Beacon and decides to take on new students or not

Nora: Ozpin lets a lot of crazy shit fly, but I think even he needs more to accept a student than just the recommendation of another one. Also it’s the middle of the school year. Once again, authors show very little understanding on how school works.

“To get you signed up for the academy, you cleared out that school by yourself so you must be very strong and smart to do that”

Nora: It was five thugs! Ruby! Your older sister took on an entire bar’s worth! And she’s just a first year student!

Nora: I know you got in early for just beating up a couple of thugs, but that was less because of your accomplishments and more along the lines of Ozpin being interested in you because he knew you had been trained by Qrow.

I feel my checks slightly redden but turned around to knock on the door to hide them “Thanks” I say back to her before a voice calls for us

“Hello Ruby how is the team?” Ozpin asked while acting like I wasn’t in the room at all.

Cornelia: I say we follow his lead.

“Just fine, thanks, anyway I think I have found a good student to enrol in the academy” she replies with a grin the size of her face on her.

“I see, what is your name?”

“Lewis, nice to meet you, sir”

Nora: No last name because special.

“Well mannered,

Ert: He said six words.

strong build

Nora: Of course…

and has no fear,

Cornelia: Because he’s a psychopath.

considering you took on those goons single-handed” Ozpin stated before walking past his desk to get some paper work. “Who are the White Fang?”

‘This is a test, go with it’

Ert: TEST!? The White Fang are public knowledge! They’re talked about on public news broadcasts! What kind of a fucking test is this? The “Just Making Sure You Haven’t Been Living Under a Rock Test?” Because most school districts have phased out the JMSYHBLUaRT with the exception of Florida because Florida.

“They are a group of Faunus that fight for equal rights for all faunas, they also use extreme methods to achieve this like stealing dust from the Schnee dust company” I answer back, seeing through his test

“we can add very intelligent to your traits as well,

Nora: You knew a very basic element of the world, you’re super smart.

Cornelia: Professor! One plus one equals two!

Nora: Another genius! You pass the JMSYHBLUaRT with flying colors.

very well, you can enter my school, since the teams are made up you will need to choose yourself, which team you would like to be on”

‘Don’t be an ass, say team RWBY…wait no one has told me that so that will seem suspicious’

Ert: Oh you’re worried about being suspicious now? You have no ID, no place of residence, no one to confirm your identify and you’re just NOW worried about being suspicious? Oh by the way Lewy, you’re effectively homeless and broke. Maybe these are things you should be considering. Also, onto team RWBY with no struggle.

(Gary Stu Counter: 7)

“Ruby, what team are you on?”

“RWBY! RWBY! RWBY!” she chants with same amount of excitment of a cat with a piece of string

“Owww…next time don’t pierce my eardrums, I guess it is team RWBY, sir” I say while patting my left ear.

Cornelia: This is another reason why joining in the middle of the school year doesn’t work. Beacon works on a strict four team policy, no five person teams, no three person teams. There’s a test during initiation in which teams need to be forged in a trial by fire in order to make sure they can work together properly. You can’t just say “Well, I want you in, just join another team and throw our whole system out of whack. Can you work with them? Wait, I suddenly stopped caring.”

“Whoops…hehehe…sorry” ruby said, returning to her normal, calm self

“Very well, since that is an all-female team, you will need to find way to live with them”

Nora: Team JNPR has a 50/50 gender split and they all live in the same dorm. Beacon clearly doesn’t have a problem with co-ed dorms. But according to this scene it does but just assumes Lewy will figure it out on his own.

“Very well, sir” I say to him, bowing slightly “Ruby? Can you show me the way to our dorm? WITHOUT choking me half to death” I say, giving a slight glare at her as a warning.

“Sorry about that, I get excited a lot”

Cornelia: You normally keep your common sense when you do, but clearly this story isn’t interested in making people in character. Along with a lot of other things, such as good pacing, proper descriptions and

“I can tell, anyway let’s go, maybe on the way you can tell me about our teammates” I say smiling while opening the door for her.

Ert: Way to point out why this is a horrible idea. “ YAY! I’m on this team! So who else is?” I know HE knows, but nobody else knows that, because the fact that a self insert is from another world always needs to be kept a secret for some fucking reason.

As we walk I hear a faint echo of Ozpins voice saying “he will be an interesting person to keep an eye on”

‘Great, now I have super hearing,

Ert: FUCK YOU! It’s these little things that drive me nuts. The author said to himself “This character is already super awesome at fighting with these abilities he pulled out of his ass and everyone loves him already, I’ll give him super hearing just because.”

(Gary Stu Counter: 8)

what else do I have and not realise’ I think to myself while listening to a rambling Ruby

Cornelia: I don’t know, look at all the other portals that did stupid crap to the people they transported, it seems to be a trend. Lord knows why. So far this one gave you a sword, taught you how to use it, and took away your ability to feel empathy in addition to super hearing.

authors note: i will try and keep to a schedule on this, it is posted on my profile, any way reviews are warmly welcomed :)

Chapter 3: The Rest of the team

“Well? Aren’t you going in?”

“You’re the one that is going to introduce me”

Ert: And you kind of need to be inside for me to do that.

“Ohh good point” she opens the door and walks in first, I follow behind her and close the door behind me. When I turn back around I see my fellow teammates, Weiss, who is studying, Blake, who is also studying and Yang, who is throwing around a scrunched up paper ball.

‘Typical’

Nora: Paper balls are good for shooting into a basket once, unless Yang is going back to get it, which doesn’t fit the lazy attitude this scene, or she’s using multiple balls, which is wasteful.

“Ruby, what did I tell you about inviting boys over?” Yang said with a slight sigh, still finding amusement in her paper ball

Ert: To not do it without bringing one for you?

Cornelia: Exactly!

“What?! No! He isn’t my boyfriend!”

“Uh huh, sure” with this comment, Yang throw the paper ball at Ruby which hit her square in the forehead

Nora: Talking to a boy! You are in love with him by default!

Ert: I’d say this is a sign that he’ll be with Ruby, but lets wait until he talks to the other members of team RWBY first.

“Hey! It’s true!”

‘Oh dear, sisterly love…let’s try and salvage this’

Cornelia: How do you salvage a situation that has minor teasing at worst?

“It is true, I’m not involved with her, I’m a new student here and joined your team a few minutes ago”

The room fell silent as the two sisters stopped bickering with each other and the other two stopped scribbling notes down

Ert: PROTAGONIST! ATTENTION GIVE NOW!

“But the initiation test has been, how did you get in?” Blake asked without looking at me, still reading over her books

Nora: Because bullshit.

“Well I cleaned up a group of goons at the aband-”

“That was you?!” Yang bellowed as she walked up to me, taking in my appearance

“Yes, apparently I save team JNPR a lot of hassle and since I did it single-handed, Ozpin took me in, my name is Lewis, pleasure to meet you all” bowing once again while Blake looked at me with admiration. “Blake Belladonna”

Ert: This would be impressive if he was a normal citizen. As a now first year Huntsman, it’s just kind of ok. And how the hell has this spread so fast? The Volume 1 finale had a stand off against terrorists that involved multiple VTOL transports being destroyed and word traveled more slowly than this.

“Weiss Schnee, heiress to th-

“Schnee Dust Company, mines and refines dust for selling” I finish for her

“Did you just read my mind?”

Cornelia: Didn’t Blake do this in her introductory episode?

Ert: Oh great, a thunder stealing Stu. It isn’t bad enough that they hog the spotlight, they have to steal everyone else’s awesome moments.

(Gary Stu Counter: 9)

“Maybe” I reply back, sticking my tongue out at her which rewarded me with a glare from the ice queen

‘Because that didn’t creep me out…’

Cornelia: Don’t complain about people creeping you out when you’re interrupting them and acting like a five year old.

“And I’m Yang Xiao Long, Ruby’s older sister” she said with a grin while walking back to her bunk

“Well since that was the introductions done we need to get down to business, where am I going to sleep?”

Ert: Now if this was actually RWBY, this would be a rather amusing moment considering how team RWBY eventually worked out their bed placement problem.

Ert: I doubt we’ll get that lucky here.

There were a few minutes of silence, probably for thinking where I’m going to sleep since Weiss and Blake weren’t writing anything

Nora: People are probably thinking about the question you just asked, what a novel concept.

“I think next door was saying that they had an extra bunk in their dorm, we could get it but it will take a while to dismantle it and get it in here” Yang said while walking to the door, ready to push me out “I’ll introduce you to them”

Cornelia: Yeah, just ask for another bed. Pretty mundane compared to what we had before.

With that me and Yang walked across the hallway and entered the dorm

“Hey team!” Yang shouted as she entered, making the occupants jump…apart from Nora and Ren. Team JNPR’s dorm was similar to team RWBY’s, but it was slightly bigger.

Ert: Because reasons.

Pyrrha was tutoring Jaune in aura usage while Ren was polishing his guns and Nora was…being…Nora

“WE ARE GREAT THANKS!” Nora Bellowed back, taking note of me while jumping on her bed.

Nora: And no in character writing here either.

‘Owww…again…what is it with people and screaming at the top of their lungs?’

Ert: Stereotyping. People in RWBY actually aren’t that shout happy.

“Oh hey Pyrrha, Jaune, Nora, Ren” I say giving a little wave as I talk

“Wait…you know these guys already?” Yang asked with a puzzled expression on her face

I was going to reply to her but Pyrrha replied for me

“Yes, he saved us from going on a mission so we introduced our selves when we met him at the front gates”

Ert: He “saved” us from a mission that would’ve taken ten seconds. The only one that would’ve been in trouble is Jaune because he’s kind of pathetic. Also, you didn’t mention your names.

“Indeed, anyway I heard rumours that you guys had an extra bunk. Is it okay if I can have it? Since I don’t have a bed and none of the females want to share, Ow!” Yang slapped me on the arm for my remark but also added “I would gladly share with you but the others would cause a song and dance about it”

Nora: *Polishes boot* Cornelia, hold his legs open. Someone needs a good kick.

“I see, well it’s over their if you want it” Ren pointed to the corner where the bed was “but you will need to dismantle it if you want it to get into your room”

Cornelia: Yes, we’ve been over this. Don’t repeat yourself story.

He returned to his guns and ignoring me and Yang’s presence in the room.

“Well…now what?”

“I think I have an idea…” I say not entirely sure if what I was thinking would work or not. ‘Since I have many…hidden talents, let’s see if teleportation is one of them’

Ert:…I fucking hate you.

With that thought I walked up to the bed, put 2 of my fingers in front of my nose like a ninja

Cornelia: A Naruto ninja maybe. In other words, not like a ninja at all.

and thought of the bed appearing in the other dorm. With that power began surging through my veins and a white aura surrounded the bed and made it disappear…then there was a loud crash and a scream came from team RWBY’s dorm. ‘I think it worked…but I can sense everyone watching me with a look of a fish on their face’. I opened my eyes and turned round to see exactly that but Nora was still jumping up and down.

“What the…” was the only words Yang could speak, still in either awe or shock…I couldn’t quite tell

“I’m magic, let’s stop the ruckus in our dorm, see you guys later” I say to a stunned team JNPR

Nora: Even though magic doesn’t exist in the world of RWBY

Ert: “Fuck you” in other words.

(Gary Stu Counter: 10)

Dragging Yang back to our dorm, we enter to see Ruby jumping on the newly appeared bed while Blake and Weiss stared at me with slight admiration

“Nice one, Dynamo how did you do that?” Weiss said while gathering her things to put away for the night

Ert: He’s wearing a CHINESE outfit. Dynamo is a JAPANESE position. It was also a feudal one so he’s wearing a “tradition Chinese outfit” and people are comparing him to Japanese feudal warlords because fuck you.  Oh, and it’s not Dynamo.  It’s Daimyo.

‘Shit, what can I say? What can I say?!’

“It’s a family trait”

‘Really? Was that the best you could do?’

Nora: Everyone’s going to swallow it, so this half assed attempt at mocking the bad excuse comes off as teeth grindingly frustrating. I mean really the story is just going “He has powers because magical portal BS,” so I don’t even know why he’s bothering to cover it up.

“I see, is there any other ‘traits?'” Blake asked with curiosity

Ert: Please God no…

“Well…my family have strong powers that awake with age and under certain conditions, so I barely know what I can do so the only thing I can do is…well try”

Cornelia: Oh no….no, no, no, no, no. The author basically just said he can give Lewy whatever powers he wants whenever he feels like it. Why…WHY!?

(Gary Stu Counter: 11)

I say smiling while taking me clothes off down to my underwear

“What are you doing?!” Ruby shouts while trying to cover me up

“Ummm…getting ready to sleep? I have no other clothes soo….”

Nora: So that’s justification to just strip in front of everyone else? I know you’re sharing the room but good Lord, you just met them.

“I see, tomorrow will take you to the shops to get you supply’s that you will need for Beacon” Blake says from her bunk, her checks going slightly pink due to a certain thought of hers

‘Oh dear…Blake wants to see me get changed…’

Ert: Ok, love interest spotted. Poor Blake is our victim this time around. Instantly infatuated with the yahoo that popped out of nowhere. Because of course she is.

“Thanks Blake, it’s appreciated anyway, night night all” I say as the rest of the team say their “Goodnights” also. Now all I can do is sleep and wait for tomorrow…

Cornelia: Uh, what time is it?

Authors note: so far so good I think,

Ert: HA!

I may need to work on shortening the chapters because the new ones are getting longer and longer so I need to work on that and also since I publish on Tuesdays and Sundays, Will think of a plan and such for the rest of the story
so that’s it, reviews are warmly welcomed ^^

Nora: Shorter? They’re not even breaking a thousand words! Publish chapters when they’re ready for God’s sake.

Chapter 4:Discovery and shopping

Cornelia: Why does this remind me of the The Final Hunt?

As the birds start their song outside and wind slowly blows around the room, I wake you to see the rest of my team sleeping rather peacefully…apart from Yang…who was snoring and was close to falling off her bunk, I faceplamed when I saw this and I was also tempted to push her off…I voted against doing that.

Ert: Main character is a smart ass who is judging other people for not sleeping the same way as everyone else, IT’S CHARMING!

‘Oh dear Yang, how can you sleep like that? Anyway let’s get cleaned up’. I went to the bathroom, started the shower and went in. the water was warm and relaxing as it sprinkled down my body. ‘I wonder why I am here. What or who brought me here? How did they bring me here? Ugh…so many questions and no answers,

Nora: I love how getting into Beacon and joining team RWBY all took precedent over asking those questions.

maybe being with team RWBY for a while will bring some answers…’

Cornelia: There’s no logic reasoning as to how being with team RWBY will help, but I’m sure it’ll bring about answers anyway.

Thoughts like this happened for about half an hour, I was so relaxed and content but I had to get out so I could figure out what other “abilities” I have.

Ert: I like how he just decided out of nowhere that he had an arsenal of abilities at his beck and call.

As I dry myself off and wrap the towel around my bottom half I walk outside with my clothes to see the team still sleeping…that is what my eyes saw.

Nora: Eyes tend to work that way dear.

‘Blake’s awake, but why isn’t she getting up?’ I ignored her and got changed, looking over at her to see if she would get up…she didn’t. With that I wrote a note saying that I was outside and placed it on my bed and with that I walked into the courtyard.

Cornelia: I wouldn’t get up if some creep was watching me either.

The courtyard this early in the morning was desolate of all souls, apart from the wildlife, this was a good opportunity for some “experiments”. ‘Right so what powery stuff do I know?…fire?’ with that thought my body went up in flames, cinders flying to the grass which disappeared after a few seconds,

(Gary Stu Counter: 12)

Ert: Please tell me he isn’t going to just get every last ability he tries.

‘okay…I’m not feeling any pain…and my clothes not on fire…useful’ after a few seconds of focusing the flames dispersed into me, leaving no trace that it was there. ‘What’s next? Water’ with that my hand turned into water, sending some steam up due to the previous fire, I push my hand out and a water ball shoots out of me and hits the wall.

Ert: OH GOD IT’S SUBJECT 23 ALL OVER AGAIN! I CAN’T GO BACK!

(Gary Stu Counter: 13)

Nora: Also he can keep himself from burning up and reconstruct his body because…I’d say magic but the author beat me to that one, so I’m just gonna calla it shitty writing.

This continued for the next half hour, I learned that I could send object flying with my mind, control elements such as ice, earth, wind and that I could heal myself, which is useful and I also found out that I could combine elements together for a more explosive result,

Ert:…I just…I fucking, how can…WHAT!?

(Gary Stu Counter: 19)

Nora: Ok, control over the elements, regeneration, the ability to combine elements into bombs. So he’s the Avatar if the Avatar could heal himself, make things blow up, throw things across a room and teleport. Look, author, just drop all pretenses and declare yourself God. That’s basically what you’re doing here.

Ert: Did the author just blow his load all over us? I mean no build up, no suspense, just ALL OF THE POWERS! ALL OF THE AWESOME POWERS!

‘so far so productive…wait…Blake is watching me…SHIT!’ I spin around to see her looking at me like I was some kind of god. “Umm…Hi Blake…umm…How are you?”

“…I am…in awe…” she said “more family traits?”

Cornelia: Awe of how fucking stupid it is I hope.

“Yes…”

“I see…”

We stood, for what feels like a day, it was actually 2 minutes…in pure silence ‘I don’t know what to say! Does she still want to be around me? Argh!’

Ert: No she doesn’t-RUN BLAKE RUN!

“We should be going, we need to get you your gear” Blake said breaking the silence, she walked past me and headed in town, I followed her while taking in all the views of vale, the docks, dust shops and local shops and houses.

Nora: None of which will be described in any detail.

After a few minutes of walking, we arrive at a school supply shop which sells the basic things needed for school life, tablets, dust containers, uniforms and notepads, as well as other things which may or may not be needed for school.

Ert: And I guess Blake is going to be paying for everything considering the fact that Lewy (Lewy Christ?) doesn’t have any money. This really just shows how massively underprepared Lewy is for this.

We walk in and immediately I want to leave, I have always hated shopping of any kind…and I hate school sopping more.

Cornelia: I think that’s Lewy trying to have a personality.

I follow Blake as she picks up things and put’s them back down, judging that it is not worth of a purchase…then she picked up the pace…picking up uniforms and giving them to me, as well as handing me tablets, note pads and sleeping clothes…which was only just pyjama bottoms. “Let’s see you in your clothes then” Blake said as she pointed to the changing room “Okay” I say while walking in.

Nora: Oh Christ, again with Blake and this asshole changing.

The changing room was small and could only fit 2 people

Ert: Which is one more than it needs to fit.

but it did its job, I used my mind to switch clothes and before I knew it I was in a swank school suit with a red undershirt. “Not bad…Blake? You want to see?”

“Yes please” I step out to see her look the other way to hide a blush

Ert: Oh for fuck’s sake, Blake is the stoic one, not the easily embarrassed schoolgirl.

‘ “he looks really handsome” ‘Her voice rung throw my head, which was a good thing. ‘Thank you Blake you are quite beautiful yourself’ I think to myself…not realising the outcome. ‘ “Huh? Lewis did you just speak?” ‘

Nora: He did but he didn’t say anything of value, so let’s move on.

‘Shit!’ I quickly duck into the changing room to avoid any embarrassment. ‘I sense her blushing…heavily…now I find out that I can talk to people through my mind…great’

Nora: Just give him a twelve inch cock and call it a day.

I sigh while switching clothes and step outside with all my items. Blake was still red when I came out and she wasn’t looking at me in the eye. “We should buy these and…head back” she quickly spin around and heads towards the check out to pay for my stuff. ‘Never…going…shopping…again…ever, I just flirted with Blake…I think…’

Ert: Shopping is awful and I flirted with Blake because this scene isn’t all over the place at all.

Once she paid for my items we started to walk back to Beacon. “Umm…Blake…did you hear my talk in your head, when I called you-”

“Yes…I did” She didn’t look at me when said talked. ‘I think she figured out that I can read her mind

Cornelia: Thank you for spelling it out for us. I’m so glad that this mind reading is adding so much.

…one slip after another…’ was the only thought I had when we got back to Beacon.

Disclaimer: RWBY, owned by Monty Oum, not me

Ert: And that’s where we’re going to have to call it a day.  So, dear Lewy can be added to the list of Gray Stus around here, but he might actually be in the running for most BS powers that happen because of portals.  Speaking of which, we might want to make that a category in the Sucktastic awards.  “Because inter-dimensonal portal.”  Something to think about.

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116 Comments on “1261: Real RWBY: Chapters 1-4”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: Yeah I’m pretty sure you’ve never seen a computer screen “Fuzzed” before. Whatever that means.

    I’ve heard the term very rarely used to describe interference with a CRT monitor.

    And considering that this ‘fic was published in 2013, that makes our title character either dirt poor or one of those insufferable technology hipsters.

    (Two guesses as to which, and the first one doesn’t count.)

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    As I click on my steam library the monitor fuzzes “that’s weird, it’s never done that before”

    I continue to scroll down the list of games and click on Warframe. Then the screen flickers to an image of Beacon, with people living their normal lives “wooaahhh, cool”

    I feel a gently wind pushing me into the image which quickly turns into a gale force wind and shoves me in, I hit my head off…god knows what, then I blacked out.

    This… might just be the lamest and most anticlimactic crossover methodology I have ever seen.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Please tell me we’re not getting amnesia in this story.

    I already wish I could get amnesia of this story…

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    she starts to walk away into town ‘on no you don’t’

    Well that’s certainly an… interesting… name for a town.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    ‘Females, on second they hate you, the next you are their friend’

    Is… is he talking about the base system there?

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Chapter 3: The Rest of the team

    “Well? Aren’t you going in?”

    No, it’s not that sort of ‘fic yet.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Hey! It’s true!”

    ‘Oh dear, sisterly love…let’s try and salvage this’

    Cornelia: How do you salvage a situation that has minor teasing at worst?

    By erasing yourself from the ‘fic?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    “WE ARE GREAT THANKS!” Nora Bellowed back, taking note of me while jumping on her bed.

    This got very dadaist very quickly.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    “What the…” was the only words Yang could speak, still in either awe or shock…I couldn’t quite tell

    That’s pretty much my reaction as well, but for entirely different reasons.

  10. YSD says:

    There’s this self-insert I’m working on, it starts out with the typical “crosses over by playing video game” trope. But then it gets dumb. Really, REALLY dumb. You’ll have to wait and find out. Should be up in a week or two

  11. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    “HEY! Strange man with traditional Chinese outfit on!”

    Well, since he never bothered to explain just what kind of traditional outfit he’s wearing, this is what I picture.

    But with a dude instead of a girl.

  12. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Nora: No last name because special.

    OHOHOHOHOHO!
    Just wait till you see my story a few weeks later, Ert. Just you wait….

  13. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    “Who are the White Fang?”

    A bunch of space terrorists who really like Mobile Dolls and colony drops?

  14. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    You pass the JMSYHBLUaRT with flying colors.

    Ironically, I can pronounce JMSYHBLUaRT easier than Alk’drn.

  15. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Ert: Oh you’re worried about being suspicious now? You have no ID, no place of residence, no one to confirm your identify and you’re just NOW worried about being suspicious?

    Ugh. Bad authors think alike, it looks like.

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This is officially a step down from that in terms of people just deciding to play video games. At least in terms of description and building up to it.

    Hey, he didn’t do it in the middle of a park, I’ll take it!

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Why is it every time I try and review a non-crossover it turns into a crossover anyway?

    Because the universe just doesn’t like us Librarians.

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    ‘Why does he look like TotalBiscuit?’ I thought to myself

    *headdesk*

    Wow, what is this author avatar, twelve? Jesus Christ, how does any rational person react in this way?

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Let’s pretend that Dante’s sword can do this (We haven’t played the games but we’re pretty sure he can’t)

    And this is where I say: it doesn’t. That’s why Dante has guns, don’t you know.

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    …wait the portal must have dragged me in here for some reason…

    The portal that you forgot about. You do remember that you had no memory of it, right?

  21. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This is something that really irritates me about self inserts. People treat being transported to a world filled with hostile creatures like it’s a game, because now they have a chance to be awesome. Unless it was a super friendly world in reality they’d be crying on the ground. And even if it was there would be a chance.

    And this is why I had my author avatar in Mass Vexations think about going home.

  22. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    but I can sense everyone watching me with a look of a fish on their face

    …What?

  23. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Strange man with traditional Chinese outfit on!

    So you don’t actually know what the outfit is, then. Good to know!

  24. Herr Wozzeck says:

    ‘Females, on second they hate you, the next you are their friend’ my brain lovingly thought instead of thinking of a way to get me into Beacon.

    Wow. And usually, you need to be in love with a girl first to start getting into “women have mood swings”:

  25. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Ert: He’s wearing a CHINESE outfit. Dynamo is a JAPANESE position. It was also a feudal one so he’s wearing a “tradition Chinese outfit” and people are comparing him to Japanese feudal warlords because fuck you. Oh, and it’s not Dynamo. It’s Daimyo.

    Eh… Ert? I don’t think he meant to say “Daimyo” in the first place. I think she just meant “Dynamo” as in “energetic”. It’s still pretty bad, though.

    • erttheking says:

      I’m pretty sure this is a Rouge Angles of Satin situation here. Espically considering calling him Dynamo makes no real sense here. Plus he capitalized it, making me pretty sure he was going for a proper noun.

  26. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Because most school districts have phased out the JMSYHBLUaRT with the exception of Florida because Florida.

    Well, if Jeb Bush gets to the White House, it’ll be back in every state. But let’s not get into that.

  27. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “RWBY! RWBY! RWBY!” she chants with same amount of excitment of a cat with a piece of string

    “Owww…next time don’t pierce my eardrums

    Oh, honey, that’s not piercing your eardrums. That is cheerleading. Do you want to hear your eardrums getting pierced?

    This is your eardrums getting pierced:

    http://www.twitch.tv/wolfnumber9/v/28068701

  28. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Cornelia: Uh, what time is it?


    It’s a quarter to nine! Time to have a bath!

  29. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Now if this was actually RWBY, this would be a rather amusing moment considering how team RWBY eventually worked out their bed placement problem.

    [Insert image here]

    *snort*

    What the hell is that?

  30. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Stereotyping. People in RWBY actually aren’t that shout happy.

    So you’re saying he hasn’t actually watched the show.

  31. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Ah… So this story trumped mine in terms of SI Stu powers. This is why you never say “This couldn’t get any worse”. It can ALWAYS get worse.

  32. Herr Wozzeck says:

    her checks going slightly pink due to a certain thought of hers

    Whoah, I didn’t know Bank of America checks were printed on chemically treated flash paper!

  33. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I may need to work on shortening the chapters because the new ones are getting longer and longer so I need to work on that

    He says, when they barely describe anything.

    *facepalm*

    Well, we can add “laziness” to the list of sins this fic perpetrates.

  34. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This continued for the next half hour, I learned that I could send object flying with my mind, control elements such as ice, earth, wind and that I could heal myself, which is useful and I also found out that I could combine elements together for a more explosive result,

    *facepalm*

    This isn’t RWBY, this is Magicka II! What the fuck!?

  35. Herr Wozzeck says:

    and I hate school sopping more.

    Lucky for you, flooding schools is the job of the weather gods. Though, I imagine they’ll want to kill you for doing their job now, so good luck with that.

  36. Herr Wozzeck says:

    ‘Her voice rung throw my head,

    Oh shit! SC, run, you might get Blake’s voice thrown at your head now!

  37. Herr Wozzeck says:

    ‘I sense her blushing…heavily…now I find out that I can talk to people through my mind…great’

    *hits buzzer*

    (Gary Stu Counter: 20)

  38. MaesterDimentio says:

    What’s with the author and using the word ‘females?’ It just sounds weird hearing someone referred to like that. Why not just call them girls – you know, like any normal person would?

  39. MaesterDimentio says:

    disclaimer: i do not own RWBY or any other references used throughout this story, these are just used for entertainment, anyway enjoy

    And at this point, I usually walk away from the fic. Seriously? Can’t even have proper capitalization in the disclaimer of all things?

    • "Lyle" says:

      A disclaimer like that is one of the things we look for as members of the Library. A crap-ass disclaimer is a great indicator of a crap-ass story!

  40. GhostCat says:

    ‘Females, on second they hate you, the next you are their friend’ my brain lovingly thought instead of thinking of a way to get me into Beacon.

    No, it’s primarily the first thing. I’m fairly certain most males would think you’re a twatwaffle, too.

  41. Ishi says:

    With that thought I walked up to the bed, put 2 of my fingers in front of my nose like a ninja

    One has a gesture for you involving a finger.

  42. parrish122 says:

    I have a feeling that the library ninjas are going to be annoyed that this Stu even vaguely compared himself to a ninja.

  43. Koori says:

    Cornelia: A Naruto ninja maybe. In other words, not like a ninja at all.

    *slow blink* If I wasn’t under strict orders not to maim anyone at the Library…

    • "Lyle" says:

      Down girl. She’s referring to traditional ninja. You’re from a completely different type.

      • erttheking says:

        Cornelia: Basically. Traditional ninja like to kill their opponents and slip away, preferably without being spotted.

      • Koori says:

        Ah, I see, I see. *scribbles notes on a notepad pulled from her flak jacket then flips back a few pages* Yes, that matches with what I’ve been learning from Ishi-sensei. We do have missions that require not being seen, but not quite to the extent of these… traditional types.

      • erttheking says:

        Cornelia: Really, not only would it be for the best if you get out without being seen, if possible they should never know that you were there in the first place.

      • Ishi says:

        We find the old methods to be the best ones. Quite profitable, as well.

      • Koori says:

        Well, yes, of course. If my mission involves not being seen then I am not seen, such as theft or assassination. Our village handles many other mission types, though, where being seen is imperative, such as playing the mole. And other work where being seen is not really an issue, like escort missions.

    • Ishi says:

      Come, child. Kanai-san will prepare maccha to soothe you.

  44. "Lyle" says:

    ‘Right so what powery stuff do I know?…fire?’ with that thought my body went up in flames, cinders flying to the grass which disappeared after a few seconds,

    Yay, he incinerated himself!

    ‘okay…I’m not feeling any pain…and my clothes not on fire…

    Dammit.

  45. "Lyle" says:

    I used my mind to switch clothes

    Just because you have an ability doesn’t mean you have to fucking use it for fucking everything!

  46. "Lyle" says:

    So, dear Lewy can be added to the list of Gray Stus around here, but he might actually be in the running for most BS powers that happen because of portals. Speaking of which, we might want to make that a category in the Sucktastic awards. “Because inter-dimensonal portal.” Something to think about.

    At the very least, I’d say he’s a very solid contender for biggest Gary Stu. Lou-Stu here has more Suddenly: Powers! than anyone we’ve seen yet this year. Dear God.

  47. TacoMagic says:

    “We’re you are the abandoned school downtown?”

    *Tilts head*

    The fuck does that even mean?

  48. TacoMagic says:

    Right so what powery stuff do I know?…fire?’ with that thought my body went up in flames, cinders flying to the grass which disappeared after a few seconds, ‘okay…I’m not feeling any pain…and my clothes not on fire…useful’ after a few seconds of focusing the flames dispersed into me, leaving no trace that it was there.

    Wow, you can make fire that has no affect on anything. Woo. Useful.


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