1256: Fire Emblem ReAwaken – Chapter Six

Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Author: MaesterDimentio
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Sterling Bengtzing, and Crunchy Raptor

Sterling Bengtzing: The fuck is this place? How did I get in this shithole?

Yeah, good question. How the fuck did you get your ass in here? Aren’t you supposed to be preparing to play for Montana or some shit?

SB: I WAS…  but now seems I’m in fucking roofieland or some shit… Did I get drugged?

Oh, never mind all that! Crunchy, what happened?

Crunchy: I do not well know, monkey. And if you could not ask me while I stand by the smelliest… dog I have ever met, that would be appreciated.

SB: Wait what the- *pushes Crunchy* -personal space, the fuck outta here!

C: Be quiet, puppy, I do not—

Okay, Crunchy, trust me. You do not want to get on Sterling’s bad side. You just don’t. Ugh…

C: I will go find out what happened.

Please do that.

*Several Hours Later*

C: So obviously, the ninjas are responsible. Not only did they activate the interdimensional portal out of curiosity, but they also destroyed it. What do we do with him?

*sigh* Well, since we can’t think of anything better to do…

*coughs* Say, Sterling, would you like to mock bad fanfiction with us?

SB: What? *silence* …Is this one of those nerd things?

*le sigh*

Sit down, Sterling, and let me show you a whole new world.

So, for the benefit of you patrons, I should probably introduce this smelly-ass motherfucker here.

This here is Sterling Bengtzing. (Art by WyldElyn.)

He’s an FBA character, created by by Harlow. And right now, he’s actually a rookie for the Montana Howlers. His daddy Ferdinand is actually an FBA legend, though said FBA legend also did get screwed over by racist management in the early years of his career.

SB: Hey, when you’re the fucking best, obviously you’ll get jealous fuckers wanting ya down. But he fought, persevered and turned out the fucking greatest. He shamed them so bad they had to relocate and change name and state! Dad tore them a new asshole and got a ring. What’s not great about that shit?!

C: Oh? And here I thought you lived in a well-adjusted household.

You kidding? Sterling’s dad is the best dad in the world.

SB: Damn straig- …How you know?

… You really don’t want the answer to that question.

SB: Now you going stalker on m-

Anyway, he’s one of the heels of this year’s Draft class. Among other things, he’s got a hell of an attitude, and isn’t afraid to be all “BASIC BITCHES EVERYWHERE”. Literally, everyone is a target, unless you can prove your worth on the court. Which I guess is more than fitting for this snarking, considering that this is fucking Kale we’re talking about here.

SB: Wait, Kale? I know that guy! He’s one of Tryce’s friends, the fuck you got against him?!

Um… Not that Kale, Sterling. This is a different Kale. He’s the protagonist of the fic Crunchy and I were snarking.

SB: …He what?

You know, Sterling, I honestly have no idea either. And speaking of Kale, guess what we open the chapter with?

Okay, sword? Check. Vulnerary? Check, and I think it’s good for two more uses… I’ll probably save them and let Krysta do some of the healing. She could use the experience.

Oh yay, we’re talking about vulneraries not like an actual potion, but like an item with three uses where it breaks after the last use! You know, writing with game mechanics instead of real life! Because that totally didn’t screw over a fic the last time it happened!

SB: What the hell are you talking about?

Fire Emblem?

SB: Fire… Is that one of those nerd shit things losers geek over?

It’s a long-running fantasy role-playing video game, actually.

SB: Oh. Sounds lame.

C: I will have you know that knowing all of this fantasy has had no effect on my status as an Awesome McEvil!

SB: Sure… *airquotes*

After adjusting the scabbard of my sword for the umpteenth time (I’m starting to think the whole ‘possessed sword’ idea may actually hold water; the hilt keeps stabbing me in the side)

C: No, you are simply bad at adjusting scabbards. I can provide a demonstration of what would happen if a hilt truly attempted to stab you in the side.

Crunchy, no. Don’t you dare!

and packing away what very little I have, I start heading to the door of my room. Just like Marco said, Krysta had brought up my clothes, blood-stain free and smelling oddly like flowers, and my spotless, though completely a pain in the ass, sword. Just having them with me again feels strangely comforting, even though I was drenched in blood wearing them only twenty-four hours ago. Let’s try and put that out of our mind, shall we?

SB: What is he worrying about?

At this point, you should just be thankful you weren’t here for the last chapter. He would not shut the fuck up about this whole “I kill people” bullshit.

SB: Bah, he probably didn’t even wash himself.

C: 

How did you know?

SB: It just is? I don’t fucking know.

Well, you guessed right. And despite the fact that he forgot to wash himself like an idiot, he was still complaining about his clothes having bloodstains, and he didn’t shut up about it.

SB: Sounds basic…

C: “Basic”?

Short for “basic bitch”, if you will.

C: Hm. Well, that is a rather… apt description of Kale, I suppose. Constantly whines like a ninny…

SB: And he’s the main character.

Yep.

SB: Fuck me…

“Hey, Kale, are you ready yet?” I hear Myra, because of course it had to be her, shout from outside of my door. Before I can answer, the door opens up and she strides right in, as if she owns the entire inn. “Well, it looks like you are. Good. We were all getting tired of waiting for you.”

*snerk*

Oh hi Myra. Good to see you’re still on point for your mandatory snark.

And the Bitch-Queen lives! I thought she’d be like the others and actually feel somewhat sympathetic. Good to know you live up to expectations.

SB: She probably sees you as a lameass…

C: I was under the distinct impression it was because she caught him staring at her in the nude.

SB: Wait, is this ‘bitch-queen’ supposed to be…?

Attractive? Yes.

SB: A babe who’s a cunt? Well if that doesn’t fucking remind me of someone I know…

Um, she doesn’t have the breast size or the Sicilian heritage to match, so…

SB: What, is she going to behave all snooty and go away?

Actually, she’ll be more likely to lob fireballs at your face. And unless you want—

SB: Fine, whatever, I’m off. Must be on her days…

Thank you for understanding.

I look up and shake my head, putting my palm to my forehead. “Oh, I’m sorry Myra. I was just a bit tired is all; killing hordes of bandits that want to lob off your head can really take it out of you. Though, you seem like you’re pretty well-rested after all of that. I wonder why that is…” I stop to pretend to think for a moment before snapping my fingers. “That’s right, it’s because you were taking a nap after that big boar of man managed to sneak up behind you and take you hostage.”

*BAM*

Hey, don’t make the jokes at the expense of other characters in this fic, that’s my job!

SB: The fuck was that shit?!

C: That, puppy, is Alma. Do not think Herr is afraid to use it on you.

SB: I’m not afraid of some hammer. And I’m NOT a fucking dog!

I give her the smuggest look I can muster as I see her face turning redder by the second. “Just how did Gath manage to sneak up on you anyway? What, you didn’t notice the walking tub of meat coming your way?” Good job Kale, throw more fuel onto the fire. Stop now, while you still can.

SB: You’re stopping mid-bangin’? Fuck her already!

Sterling, don’t encourage him.

“You… you…” She balls her fists up in anger as her face turns remarkably red, almost the same shade as her eyes. “That’s it! I’m adding this to your punishment! I swear I’ll make you suffer like you’ve never suffered before, you perverted-”

“Wait, I’m perverted? Who barged into whose room without knocking? For all you knew, I was completely au naturel.” I say, cutting her off.

SB: These two be bonin’.

Oh for fuck’s sake…

A fiendish smile plays across my face as I look at her. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d almost think that you were hoping to get a little look at me. A bit of ‘you show me yours and I’ll show you mine’, perhaps?” I’m not really surprised at what I say; my friends and I would joke around like this all the time, even some of my girl friends. Though at this point, I know I’m pretty much digging my own grave with her, but the look on her face… I could face Grima him/her/itself today, die, be reincarnated, be killed by him/her/it again, and it would all be worth it just to see her like this!

C: I am beginning to wonder if this Kale is mentally ill. This kind of mood swing from what we saw last chapter is very odd for such a character.

Yeah. Last chapter, he wouldn’t stop complaining, now he’s a snark machine? I mean, shit dude, I know it’s possible to be both, but it’s not like this.

SB: Hey, someone has to put dumbasses in their place, am I right?

You are so lucky I know what you mean, or else you’d be whacked by Alma.

SB: Prolly got that shit at a county fair anyways.

I got it from the Cleveland Orchestra’s percussion shop, thank you very much. Anyway, you’re on track to finding out just how well you can take it…

C: Thus said the actress to the bishop.

CRUNCHY!

*BAM*

C: Ow!

It’s a mixture of shock, embarrassment, anger, and so much more that just completely changes her from the raging fiery mage she was earlier into a slack-jawed, flabbergasted girl who- OH GOD, SHE HAS HER FIRE TOME!

And cue the angry shouting in three… two… one…

“YOU SICKO!” She screams as she flips open the book and holds her hand out towards me, an orb of fire forming in her palm. “I’LL BURN YOU TO ASH FOR THAT!” Okay, I went too far! Once again, my tongue causes me problems!

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. What did you think was going to happen, she was going to cue in sunshine and rainbows?

“Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa!” I shout, stepping back hurriedly and putting my arms out in front of me. “Myra, Myra, Myra, it was a joke, alright?! I didn’t actually mean it like that!” I give her the best sincere smile I can, given that I’m currently looking Death in the face and boy, is she pissed.

“TOO LATE! TIME TO B-”

“Myra, I doubt the villagers would appreciate it if you burned down the inn.” Marco says, rapping the door with his knuckles.

Thank you, Marco, for saving us the trouble.

Despite the fact that he was just about to watch me get vaporized by his little sister, he seems remarkably undisturbed. Why am I not surprised that this might be a reoccurring thing with her? “Besides, he has a fair point, even if I wouldn’t have said it like he did. Knock before you go into someone’s room, okay?

C: Is Marco being a voice of reason going to be a recurring thing?

Let’s hope, Crunchy. Let’s hope.

Now, put down the Fire tome and go downstairs; despite his mouth, Kale’s still somewhat useful around here.” Somewhat useful …so should I feel insulted or should I take that as a compliment?

You should feel insulted, given that your other mode is to complain non-stop about shit that most people would’ve stopped bitching about by now.

C: At least he is not Aion-Sue.

*breathes*

At least he isn’t.

SB: Ass-on-Sue? The hell? A nerd way of saying basic?

No, this is a different character. And honey, “basic bitch” wouldn’t be anywhere near a strong enough term to describe Aion-Sue. But that’s a story for another day.

So then Myra leaves in a huff, stuff happens, and then Marco’s like, “dude, you know I can’t save you from her wrath forever, right”.

Kale’s response?

I shrug lightly, a smile playing on my lips. “What can I say? She brings out the worst in me. Plus… it’s kinda entertaining to see her mad, even if it’ll probably get me killed at some point.”

SB: Bitch, if I was scoring, I wouldn’t worry about that.

Even when fireballs are involved? I hear that—

SB: Yeah yeah, I get you. I don’t like sex on periods. Nasty…

So then Marco is like “oh dear, may the Gods help you”. Afterward, he’s all “we should get going now, blah blah, camp, girls in tent and boys in the stars, blah blah”. Then Kale is all “Imma check in with a baby I left with the Shepherds, by the way”, and Marco is all “sure, I’ve got my own reasons to go there, anyway”. To which he responds “personal reasons”.

He steps out of the doorframe and he immediately brings his palm to his face at what he sees. “Myra, I’m glad you put down the tome, but could you please stop threatening that poor waiter with a knife?”

SB: …This bitch needs a tampon and a dildo. Worst PMS ever…

Right? Threatening people with physical violence only works to a certain point!

SB: Yeah. I’m not gonna throw a punch unless you start it…mostly… You gotta prove yourself on the court, but that’s fucked up.

Anyway, Marco goes off to deal with that, and then we cut to the next scene.

So, after managing to drag Myra away from the frightened waiter, and handing out more apologies than Christmas cards, we were off. Well, we meaning everyone minus Inigo. As it turns out, the love-stricken fool took off in the middle of the night. A few of the village girls huffed at the very mention of his name and some decided to tell me what they’d do to him if they ever saw him again, the most disturbing having something to do with a fork… Hell hath no fury, Inigo… Hope you learn that lesson someday.

And Garrett, too. Though, I guess he’s not getting the lecture.

SB: Hey, they’re good at what they’re doing! There’s a proper way treat ladies, you know!

C: From what I have seen, I am not certain you yourself know what that treatment is.

Actually, Crunchy, you’d be surprised. Sterling might call all the ladies ‘babe’, but get him close to a lady and he’ll actually treat her rather decently.

SB: You know it! If you not a bitch and you on for a good time, you rockin’. By the way, not everyone deserves to be called ‘babe’…

C: Fair. I simply think it is hardly becoming of a true Awesome McEvil to mistreat a lady. Unless your plan is to tie her up to lure the hero into her trap.

SB: Has that worked?

C: I would not know, as I have never had a chance to try it. Perhaps you would be a willing test subject?

Yeah, good luck with that. Sterling hasn’t got a love interest just yet, Crunchy, and I’m certain that a love interest isn’t on the horizon if I know anything about how Harlow writes his stories.

Anyway, after that, we get a brief narrative aside about the march to Ylisstol, and it’s all in silence and shit. Marco seems to be the only one who talks to anyone, but that is told and not shown, so whatever. And then we get a random narrative aside, and then he goes on about why everyone else is quiet. He’s all “we’re so mismatched”…

C: Most JRPG groups are horribly mismatched, are they not?

Yeah, it’s one of those JRPG clichés. I’m surprised Kale isn’t making a comment about how it’ll probably all work out in the end anyway, considering that it’s the one long-running theme of pretty much every JRPG in existence.

SB: Cram this shit… You say there’s an entire… thing… devoted to the power of friendship? Fuck that noise, I don’t play the friendsies shit!

Well, considering most JRPGs also have you embark on dangerous quests to save the world, you’d have to be good at what you’re doing. Or at least, you’d have to start getting good really fast. So that’s not an issue.

SB: Still gotta get all that ‘power of friendship’ bullshit. Nej.

C: You are not very trusting, are you, puppy?

SB: You call me a fucking puppy one more ti-!

Leave it, Crunchy, he’s got a lot of trust issues to work through.

He’s then approached by Krysta, who’s all “I’ve got things to talk to you about. Kale tells her to go ahead, doing so by doing this:

“Well, I’ve got nothing better to do, and you’re decent company. Fire away, young lady.” I say, throwing up my arms theatrically. Not quite sure why I did that; it’s mostly a habit I picked up in my high school’s drama class, to overact at times, though it does earn a small laugh from her.

C: Will some people stop behaving like being overly theatrical is amusing to everyone?

This is coming from an Awesome McEvil?

C: What? We cannot engage in overt theatrics all the time! We must take a break every now and again.

SB: Maybe you should take one that’ll last the rest of your life?

C: I would do nothing of the—

Oh snap! Crunchy just got burned!

*high fives Sterling*

So anyway, Krysta starts by apologizing for freezing up mid-battle. I don’t know why she was apologizing considering that she was somehow more competent than Kale when it came to battle, but whatever. Kale, in a surprising change of pace from most Gary Stus, is all “eh, it’s no big, that happens, and it could’ve been worse”.

C: Well, anyone could have told you that.

Like SC, as he was screaming about how he should have been nailed to the floor with the number of arrows that would have been launched at him. Anyway, he then goes back to the night they met, when—

“Actually, speaking of embarrassing moments… You remember that night we met, right? When I called you-”

“-a pretty girl? I hope you’re not going to take that back, otherwise-”

“No, of course not!” I say quickly, putting my hands up defensively as her face darkens considerably and one of her hands balls up in a fist. What is it with women and violence in this world? “It’s just I didn’t mean to be so forward about it. I’m just a little embarrassed about what I sai- no, how I said- no, when I said it. I mean, we’d just met, right? Saying something like that just doesn’t seem right when you first meet, you know?”

SB: Just fuck already!

C: That is a bit forward, don’t you think?

SB: If it seems that way, then screw the lovey dovey bullshit and get on it like Jonny Boy and Lindsey!

Trust me, Sterling, I know the feeling.

Krysta then goes in being all “I’m awkward, don’t worry about me, but let’s work to get over that, yeah?” And then she offers to shake hands on it, and—

With a smile of my own, I take her hand. The moment I do, I feel something surge through me, almost like I’m on fire. Though, the sensation isn’t painful. Instead, it’s empowering, as though something has just… awakened inside of me.

“Uh, Krysta… did you just feel anything weird? Just now, when we shook hands?” I ask, a nervous twinge to my voice.

She slowly shakes her head. “No… Wait, I think I did feel something. I’m not quite sure what it was…”

C:

SB: Told ya.

Yeah, really.

“Hey, lovebirds! Stop gawkin’ over each other and get moving!” Garrett yells. We both look at where we’re standing, a decent ways away from the others, and a mutual blush strikes both of us. I motion for her to take the lead, following slowly behind her as realization hits me. Congrats, Kale. You just had your first Support Conversation.

SB: The hell is a support conversation?

For the Fire Emblem games’ support system. Basically, if you get two units to stand next to each other for a certain number of turns, you unlock a conversation that boosts their support level. In turn, a support level gets you stat boosts.

C: Wait, so the power of friendship is literal in this game.

Yes, Crunchy. Yes it is.

SB: Well, this series kinda sucks more now, I think…

Something tells me you might change your mind upon seeing Stahl and Sully’s supports. Or Sully with anyone, really.

wait, if I can have Support Conversations with people, more specifically, females, does that mean…

I’m not claiming Inigo, if it’s him. Or… no, just Inigo.

Um, you do realize that in the context of Awakening’s mechanics, you can’t actually have a gay relationship with anyone, right? Just saying.

Anyway, we then get a linebreak, and—

Sneezing twice, Inigo couldn’t help but stop and look around the area where he was currently traveling. Is someone thinking of me? Perhaps one of those lovely girls back at that village? A sudden grimace came over his face as he recalled the words of what one of the girls promised to do to him with a fork if he ever showed his face in that town again. “Never mind, Inigo. Let’s just go and try to find the others, shall we?” he muttered to himself before starting again on his path.

Oh my God, stop giving Inigo shit. We get it, you have a hate boner for Inigo, and it’s a highly hypocritical hate boner given how you don’t call Garrett out for the same behaviors. Seriously, it’s like you wrote this scene specifically to give Inigo shit.

C: Actually, you are not too far off, considering where the next line break is.

What do you—

*reads*

*headdesk*

Oh for—THE LINE BREAK IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE!?

SB: At least he’s keepin’ it real.

That’s not the goddamn point, Sterling! This is going into character bashing levels now! I mean, really? We got this brief and incredibly pointless paragraph about Inigo being all “yeah, let’s not go back”, and that was all that was in the scene? I just… you could’ve cut that and there would have been no discernible difference! Why was this scene included!? Why did MasterDimentio think it was a good idea to include this scene!? What the fuck!?

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

At least there wasn’t a fucking POV tag to announce the sudden shift in POV.

C: I can safely say I am glad this author spared Ghostie the complications that having a conniption can come with.

Anyway, we cut back to Kale and the odd bunch, during which we get an aside where Kale is like “and now I’m avoiding Krysta because reason”. The sun sets pretty quickly over the trees, and—

(What’s with all the forestry around here? I mean, it looks nice but a little variety would be better…)

Oh calm your tits, Kale. If you played the game nearly as much as you claim to have played it, you’d know that once the war starts, you’d probably be dealing in desert and shit. And for the record, you know what else has a lot of forests? Europe, before the Modern Day. So be quiet.

So then they set up camp, and then we’re told about how they split up the tasks and stuff. Marco gets dinner, Garrett and Kale get wood, and Krysta and Myra were off to cook it.

Guess which one I objected to? And guess who shot a ball of fire at me after she heard my reasons?

“Crazy white-haired witch…” I mutter under my breath as I bend down to grab another good-sized branch.

Yes, we know why Myra is a crazy bitch. No, you don’t need to hammer that in, because it’s starting to leave the point where it is amusing, and starting to hit the point where I would start wondering why the fuck this lady isn’t being sent to an asylum or something like that.

C: I know I would not. Having such a force of destruction near all the protagonists would help my evil plans along!

SB: But you aren’t even in this shit!

C: That, puppy, is not for you to know.

SB: *steps up* You really want to get punched in the face, don’t you?

C: I have the Force. If you touch me in any way, I will not hesitate to choke you.

SB: Please, you’re just a small fry, you fruitcake.

C: Give it time, young one. As I always say: never lay the first blow against your enemy.

We somehow lucked out; there are fallen and broken branches scattered all throughout the forest, making finding firewood way too easy. Kinda in the eerie sense too. Hope this isn’t a bad sign or anyth- stop trying to jinx it…

Well, if you’re having an easy time finding branches, it could mean any number of things: it could either mean the wood is dying, or the branches aren’t actually large enough to sustain a fire over a long period of time. I’d go into more detail, but hey, at least you have a fire mage. It’s not so bad when it’s not such a hassle to start the fire every time it goes out, right?

So then Kale calls out to Garrett asking if they can take a break. Garrett is like “sure”, and then they start talking a bit about how boring the trip was. Garrett talks about how dead some people are more lively, to which Kale asks if Garrett has encountered the Risen. Garrett is all “no, but Garrett told me all about them, and yeah, why do they exist, they should stay dead, were they even dead…”

Kinda makes you wonder if you would…”

“Recognize them?” I venture as he trails off. He nods his head slightly, a movement that’s almost impossible to see.

SB: This guy’s past, isn’t it?

C: Already? However did you guess, puppy?

First of all, Crunchy, he’s a polecat, which isn’t even a canine. Second, Sterling’s got some experience with that sort of thing, I can tell you that right now.

SB: At least someone knows his species around here!

Right? Fuck’s sake, with ears like that, you don’t even look like a fucking dog, you know?

So Kale goes on about how he didn’t recognize any of the Risen he fought, before he then turns the conversation to—

“So, Garrett, if you don’t mind me asking, what made you start the whole ‘banditry’ business in the first place?” Guess I’m taking on the role as psychologist. Then again, I planned on studying for a degree in psychology anyway, so I think it’d be best to look at this as practice.

I should probably build the bunker now before Fraug has a conniption on why it’s a terrible idea to play psychologist without any kind of degree.

C: Bah, it is JRPG psychology. Usually, it is something you do not need a PhD to solve, no?

That’s true, I suppose. I’ll build one anyway, though.

SB: Building a bunker because someone’s mad? Come on, if someone gets mad, you don’t build bunkers, you get at them!

Sterling, have you seen us when we get angry?

SB: Um… no?

Oh, right.

*headdesk*

“…You’re treadin’ on thin ice there, kid.” He fixes me with- God, I think I’d rather face the Risen right now than have him be this mad with me! Guess you would develop a good ‘scary face’ while you’re a bandit… “I really don’t like the idea of talking about my past, ‘specially that part of it. That’s my life, my past, got it? Not a single person in the world needs to know about it. Not a one.” He’s silent for a moment, his intensely frightening gaze, thankfully, leaving his face. “I’ll say this at the very least: it wasn’t out of greed or nothin’ like that. I had my reasons for starting my life, alright? And I’ll be damned if they weren’t good reasons for doing what I did for so long!”

Damn, Sterling, I didn’t know you had a twin in the Fire Emblem universe who had severe trust issues because of things in his past!

SB: Oh fuck off.

I was under the impression you didn’t like guys.

C: Perhaps he is more bi-curious?

SB: *flips them both off*

Doesn’t sound like those reasons lasted though… “Fair enough.” I say, putting up my hands after a tense moment of silence between the two of us. “I won’t make you say anything that you don’t want to say. If it’s out of shame or resentment or just hard times, you’ve got your reasons for your silence. I promise to respect them.” I fold my arms behind my head as I lean back against the tree trunk again.

Well, that was a pointlessly long way of saying “okay, fine, sorry I asked”, isn’t it?

C: Well, he did admit to being overly theatrical earlier.

True. I guess overly long dialogues are just his specialty or something like that.

SB: Typical basic, all the same…

“… ‘ppreciate that…” he mumbles, grabbing a stick from the ground and… Wait, that’s not a stick…

“Is that an arrow?!” I practically scream- no, I did scream it- as I shoot up from my sitting place. I snatch it out of his hands and examine it, holding it up slightly to the rapidly dimming light coming from the sun. The thing looks ancient, as if it had been laying here for years.

*snerk*

Honey, you should’ve logically mangled your foot horribly after pulling an arrow out of it earlier in this fic because you don’t know jack shit about how arrowheads look, and you’re trying to tell me you can suddenly date arrows just by looking at them? Yeah, come tell me that when you aren’t trying to look like an idiot and I may believe you.

That can’t be right… Its still in one piece, so it must’ve just been fired.

Or maybe it hasn’t been fired yet, jackoff. Because it wasn’t discovered after it was flying at you, you literally discovered it lying on the ground and mistook it for a branch that could be used as firewood.  All I need to say about arrows staying intact? Just play The Last of Us for five minutes, and see how many of your arrows you can collect after you’ve fired them.

Oh, and on that note, how are you so unobservant that you think an arrow is legit firewood!? I mean, really? You can’t tell a completely straight piece of wood with an arrowhead on one end and an aerodynamic balancing feather on the other from a regular old tree branch? You know, a tree branch which varies in thickness and is almost never straight? Jesus, it’s no wonder you suck at tactics, you can’t even tell when something is a fucking arrow!

And how the fuck did it just get discovered laying around? I don’t know if you’ve been anywhere near an archery range, Kale, but most archers don’t tend to be in the business of letting their arrows stray from where they can grab them. So by that logic, you should’ve run into…

“But that means…” I suddenly look around our surroundings and grimace as smaller details suddenly pick themselves out of the scenery: a small gash in the bark of a tree, the places where the branches broke being not as jagged as they should be, and the smaller plants looking as though an army has just traveled through here.

“Aw shit…” Garrett says… wait, did he actually just say ‘shit’? I mean, I know this is ‘reality’, though I use that term loosely, given that I’m both here and in my own world, and people are going to use more vulgar words, but hearing it from someone in this world just seems… shocking. Well… this is a thing.

SB: Shit, man, you may have an enemy on you and you’re worrying about someone swearing? Bitch, I swear all the time. Fuck, Shit, Cock, Cunt, Bitch, Dick, Slinger are the best words to use! The nun may not like it, but even he knows it’s just a thing people do.

C: I thought nuns were female.

It’s a nickname, Crunchy, let’s not distract from the fic’s random narrative aside, yeah? Besides, you’re talking about people saying “shit” in an E+10-rated game, so…

“Look at how ancient that arrow looks! It came from one of those things, didn’t it?” he asks, his hands wrapped firmly around the handle of his axe, though his legs almost look like- no, they are, indeed, shaking. Can’t blame him though. The Risen are pretty damn terrifying.

“I’m not sure, but look around us. It looks like an army’s just been through here.” An army of Risen… I can already feel the dread coming from myself at the thought of having to face them.

Yeah. That. You should’ve run into that by now.

C: And here I thought we would have another installment where nothing stupid happened.

SB: Wait, you mean most snarkings aren’t boring-ass things where you nitpick over the tiniest details?

Nope. Usually, they’re much worse than this.

“Come on, let’s head back to camp. Marco and the others have to-”

“Who’s there? Are you friend or foe?” A voice calls out from inside of the brush that still stands.

Oh yay, another party member.

*sigh*

Roll out the description, please.

From the pitch and tone, I can tell it’s a girl, though in this world, she could be as dangerous as any guy. Garrett and I both have our weapons at the ready as the still-standing brush begins to shake. “Oh thank Naga; other people.” The voices owner finally comes into view and- damn, do all the women in this world have to look so nice?

Niime would like to have a word with you. (Art by Tuinen on DeviantArt)

C: Is she not from a different Fire Emblem game, and thus not from “this world”?

SB: Burn, bitch…

Shut up!

I can’t exactly gauge her age, though I’ve lived around women long enough to know that you never try and ask them for their age, but I’d say she was in her early twenties at the least. She has a streak of pink going through her black hair, covering her left eye slightly, and her hair itself is cut somewhat short, reaching just past her ears. Her eyes are a bright green and seem to be full of energy. She has a black cloak with pink trim on, similar to the one Anna wears, though it covers more of the black bodysuit that she’s wearing than Anna’s does. Wait, black cloak, black bodysuit… Is she a thief?

What the hell am I doing in this fic?

“Nice to see some other people. I about thought I’d bought it after I ran from that mansion back there. Nasty creatures just started swarming the place… and it had to be when I was about to make the big heist, too…” Yep, she’s a thief. Wonderful.

The hell are you talking about? Thieves are awesome in Fire Emblem.

SB: They steal shit and that?

Well… not exactly. Thieves can steal stuff in Fire Emblem, but their role can be greater than that. For one thing, they’re the only units in the game that don’t require keys to open up treasure chests. They have their own ways of doing that, whether it be through the Lockpick item (in the GBA Fire Emblems) or as a skill (as in later Fire Emblem titles). Either way, they’re weak in offensive power, but they make up for that in utility.

C: So they have plenty of uses.

And mind you, that’s before I talk about how fucking useful thieves are in the Fog of War maps of some of the older titles!

SB: So thieves are not bad in this thing…

Nope. Well, at least, not bad on the scale of morality. Now, whether they’re bad at what they do…

“Who the heck are you?” Garrett asks, his voice slightly less on-edge and I notice that he’s lowered his weapon slightly. “And what’s this about a mansion and… a big heist?”

She gasps in shock, her eyes flying open wide and her hand covering her mouth as she backs away slightly. “Are you saying you’ve never heard of me? The greatest of female thieves, the Great Genevieve? I, who have pioneered several of the greatest heists in the combined histories of Plegia, Ylisse,and Regna Ferox, have not been heard of before?”

Um… no?

Garrett and I both share a look, the same thought going through are heads, I’m sure. Is she serious? “Sorry, but we’ve never heard of you.” I finally say, shaking my head slightly.

And knowing that the Great Genevieve is yet another of these original characters that may or may not have been submitted by a reader…

“But it’s a pleasure to- what are you doing?” I have to stop mid-sentence, confusion running rampant through my head, as she sinks to her knees and actually starts bawling out loud, tears streaming down her face. …seriously? Is this… Seriously?

C: Well, I am glad someone else thought it.

SB: About what, the fact that she is a basic?

C: Yes. Yes indeed.

Yeah, really. Why do I get the sense that this lady is going to be annoying as hell? I mean, she’s just… she’s crying over not being known? That’s just… no!

C: I wonder if her reputation is well-served, too. After all, are the best thieves the ones that very few people have heard of, no? If you have a reputation as a thief, I imagine that would mean you were captured.

Yeah. Like, what was it Kasumi Goto said about her being the best thief in the galaxy in Mass Effect 2?

I’m the best thief in the business, not the most famous. Need to watch my step to keep it that way.

Yeah, exactly. If you’ve got a reputation for being a thief, you fail as a thief because they can put a face to your name! I mean, maybe you have a reputation for being a people’s hero, I won’t discount that yet because let’s face it, Robin Hood types do get a reputation for being nice guys. But without that context, and you have a reputation? Yeah, you’re fucked as a thief.

SB: And she’s sitting there bawling like a baby about it. When someone out-fruitcakes Marcus Knight and Francois Martineau, you’re better off away.

C: Who?

More FBA characters. Who, for the record, the latter is an actual dog.

“Um, did I say something wrong?”

Oh, what the—don’t you go apologizing for her stupidity, Kale!

“N-no. Not at all. Y-you’ve just crushed a young girl’s dreams, you foul brute!” she manages to stammer out in between her sobs. “Y-you cad, you couldn’t have just played along? Perhaps indulge me a little?”

SB: Again with this shit?

Right? This is getting annoying very fast.

Am I cursed to make every single female in the world upset at me!? Why does the universe just… FUUUUU-

C: That would be valid if Krysta did not see something in you worth talking to. But as she does talk to you without getting angry at you—and I say this even not knowing why she would want to speak to you—this sounds exactly as stupid as she does.

Right?

“Wait, stop crying, please!” I sheathe my sword and walk over to her, kneeling down slightly and putting my hands on her shoulders.

SB: “How do you ‘kneel’ slightly?”

C: Ah, young Padawan, allow me to—

*BAM*

C: I will force choke you, parrot.

I have Sura on speed dial. I’m sure she’d love to have at you. Just… don’t adapt Sterling as your Padawan. I don’t think the FBA would be able to take it.

SB: Stop with the nerd babble! Speak English! Svenska också!

No, like, I literally don’t think they can take the concept of “Sterling Bengtzing, Sith Lord”. It’d probably implode if you tried.

“I-I honestly- I mean, we didn’t mean to upset you. I promise you, we did not mean to make you cry like this. We just honestly hadn’t heard of you be-” I’m interrupted as her crying suddenly increases in volume and I stumble backwards, falling right on my rear at the surprise of just how loud she is. I should really just stop trying to talk to girls; its never going to end well for me.

C: I hate to be the one to disturb this… charming scene, but were you not in the vicinity of—?

*Thunk*

C:

SB: What’s going o—?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]

SB: Damn, nerd rage is serious around here…

C: Sometimes they manifest it violently.

SB: … That’s why you got the bunker?

C: Good. You are learning.

SB: On the plus side, that’s pretty metal though. Does this bunker have windows?

Get me hurricane windows and we’ve got a deal. Good fucking Christ, all that fucking onomatopoeia, man…

The sound of an arrow piercing through the bark of the tree, right next to my head I might add, snaps her out of her crying fit. “Oh, not again! These beasts… I thought the good knight from before had- no, he couldn’t have…” Her eyes suddenly light up in anger as she draws her sword from the scabbard in her cloak, wielding it underhanded. “I cannot allow a kindness to go unpaid! Prepare yourself, you monstrosities! Thievery is not my only forte!” She takes a few steps forwards-

And then falls flat on her face?

Only to jump backwards as a familiar figure carrying a sword steps out of the brush, a Risen impaled on said sword, though it slowly begins to disappear as Marco begins to speak.

… Or that will happen. Okay.

Marco then asks what Kale and Garrett are doing out there, before asking about the Great Genevieve. Kale then does this:

“Well, we were about to until we encountered the Great Genevieve.” I say, gesturing with both of my arms at the slightly shaken thief. “I’m sure you’ve heard of her, right Marco? The master of thieves, the greatest of all female thieves, and someone who has planned out heists in Plegia, Ylisse, and Regna Ferox, the Great Genevieve herself.” I give her a faint smile as she turns to look at me, an incredulous look on her face. Go along with it, I’m throwing you a bone here. “We were about to return to camp, but when she came along, we couldn’t help but ask to spend a few moments to talk with her. Its not every day you get to meet someone famous.”

C: And not every day you get to do it while you are under fire. Truly, have they forgotten they are being attacked by Risen at the moment?

Given this fic’s track record for shitty tactics, it wouldn’t surprise me.

I can tell Marco’s at a loss for words, as he’s shifting his gaze between me, Garrett, and the she-thief. “Um, right…” he says skeptically. I shoot him a look, practically begging him to go along with what I’m saying. Thankfully, he seems to finally get it. “Oh yes, the Great Genevieve! Forgive me, I thought my ears had deceived me.” He gives her a slight nod of his head and smiles. “Of course, someone with you’re amount of fame is renown.

*frown*

Did Marco’s grammar suddenly fail for a second there? Not only is that the wrong tense of ‘renowned’, but it isn’t even the right form of “your”!

SB: Wait, you talk about that?

Sterling, it’s bad grammar, of course I do. Trust me.

To think I’d actually be in the presence of such a famed rogue is unbelievable.”

“But of course.” she says, spinning on a single foot and bowing with a flourish. Well, aren’t we full of ourselves? Maybe you could add a little firework show to go along with this introduction…

Or you can just add this:

SB: I’d rather keep it simple and brutal…

Of course you would think to turn Fire Emblem into a metal album.

C: Hm… Such interesting sounds. I must investigate this further.

SB: There’s a Sacrifice concert on Saturday, that’s a good start!

C: I said investigate, not experience! What do you take me for, a common fool? Pah…

“I can understand why my mere presence could be so befuddling to some. I shall not hold you’re slight lapse of insight against you. However, I fear that pleasantries must be withheld for the time being.

Whoah, and of all people, it’s her who points out “we’ve got bigger problems!”

SB: “There we go, finally someone’s—”

Please, I must ask for your assistance. A rather large residence that housed my most recent prize has been beset upon by the Risen and I fear for the safety of those that live there.”

SB: “…”

Yeah, that’s the funny thing about fanfiction. Right when you think they’ve got their priorities straight, bam, they say something that throws it all out of whack. It’s kinda dumb, really, but there’s not much we can do about it.

Anyway, Genevieve then explains in long, rambling detail about what the Risen arm, and then—

“As embarrassing as it is for me to admit, I’d been captured in the middle of my heist. Don’t ask me how it could have occurred that I, the Great Genevieve, was captured. I am confident it was mere chance that led to my being discovered, but that is not the point.

SB: Someone should tell this bimbo to stop pussyfooting around and actually be good at the game.

Thank you, Sterling, for saying the obvious.

So then she talks about how, on the day she was supposed to go to prison, the Risen attacked. And she’s all “they were gonna let me rot away in a cell, but fuck that, I can’t let them die horribly”. Gotta give her credit, at least she isn’t a heartless monster.

C: I was expecting much worse from someone as frivolous as her.

So was I, Crunchy. So was I.

Marco is like “yeah, let’s go back to camp and alert Myra and Krysta”, before—

Marco says, taking charge of the situation. I’m perfectly fine with it, to be honest. I’ve always been an absolutely horrible leader and Marco fits the role pretty well.

Then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU INSIST ON PLANNING OUT THE ATTACK ON THE BANDITS TWO CHAPTERS AGO, IDIOT!?

*BAM*

C: Someone is still sore about that.

Well no fucking shit, Crunchy. It was a stupid plan from the get-go, and now even Kale is admitting it was stupid! The bastard’s lucky he isn’t in a shallow grave right now!

“Now then, with that settled, let’s get- Kale, what is wrong with your hand?”

I look down and my heart nearly stops. My right hand’s twitching furiously, almost as though I’m having a seizure. I quickly grab it with my left hand and bring it close to my chest. Shit… How many days has it been? Three? …if it’s wearing off… “Sorry Marco. I’m just a bit nervous, is all. The idea of facing an army of these things is unsettling. I promise you, I’m alright.” I manage to say, doing everything in my power to keep my voice from breaking. This is bad. This is EXTREMELY bad… I’m already a wreck after the bandit fort, but this?

Oh for fuck’s sake

SB: Blah Blah Basic?

Provided he starts talking about “oh, I’ve killed people, I’m a horrible person”? Yes.

Kale insists they get moving, and then Marco then invites Genevieve back to camp with them. We get more grandstanding from her, and then we get this:

“I’m sure it will.” Marco says. I’m surprised he’s taking Ms. Ego-Trip so well.

Well, I’m glad Kale agrees with us on how annoying Genevieve is. I’m sure this character could’ve been good comic relief if she had been more over the top, but as it is? Yeah, she’s just an annoying bitch right now.

SB: Tell me about it. I suddenly can’t wait to put up with the whining from the Harvaardwak graduates.

So then Marco tells Kale to go on ahead, which he does. Of course, we then get this:

Okay, they’re just Risen… They’re monsters, bent on destroying everything in the world for Grima. In other words, they ain’t human. I think I can handle the- “Gah!” I let out a scream, not out of pain or shock or… anything really. I just scream as I fall to my knees, grasping my head as I feel a wave of an emotion I hate to feel wash over me. I bend double as it hits me again, almost making me want to throw up. Three days… I didn’t even think about this happening… Dammit, how could I be so stupid, forgetting about something as important as-

C: And you have broken out the YouTube clips already? And we are only on Chapter Six!

Believe me, Crunchy, I can’t believe I had to break out the YouTube clips that quickly, either. Especially since…

*looks down*

Oh, fuck me…

SB: What now?

We’ve got combat. Brace yourself, Sterling, this has typically never ended well for anyone when we’ve snarked combat.

An angry growl is all it takes to snap me out of my thoughts. Looking up, I see a Risen, a myrmidon from the looks of it, standing over me, its sword raised in the air. It begins to bring it down, with my eyes widening in fear as I realize that there’s not enough time for me to try and block it. Instead, I stumble backwards, letting out a loud cry of pain as the tip of the sword cuts down my midsection, tearing open my tunic/shirt and leaving a thin red line behind in its path.

Wait, so he brings the sword down, which would be a vertical motion. But then it cuts a tunic open and leaves a “thin red line” down his “midsection”, which implies a horizontal slash action.

C: And really, only a ‘thin red line’? How did the Stu get so incredibly lucky as to only get a ‘thin red line’?

Honestly, Crunchy? I have no fucking clue. But then again, are you really that surprised, considering how he managed to avoid getting skewered by goddamn arrows?

C: I suppose not.

Aaah… that really hurts… Come on, stand up, draw your sword, and fight, you idiot! I stagger to my feet, the effects of the sword cutting into me coupled with my prior emotional attack making it almost impossible for me to- shit, incoming! I fall backwards as I, clumsily, avoid the swordsman’s attack. Before I can even try to stand, its standing over me, the tip of the sword hovering over my chest. Well, I guess this is it… Guess I had a good run.

SB: Oh come on! If you want to live, get it! Fuck’s sake, you’re giving up already?

Not that it’d be bad for the rest of us, because that would mean we’d finally end this stupid fic. And that’s a very nice dream.

SB: Are you kidding me? Man, that’s kind of—

I close my eyes as I ready for the final blow to come, only to reopen them as I hear the Risen let out a groan of pain. Sticking out of its right eye is… a small knife? Wait, that looks almost like a kunai… Wait, opportunity to not die, take it now!

SB: … What?

C: He says “dream”, because fanfiction has the uncanny ability to save their main Gary Stus at the absolute last second.

Yep, that it does.

SB: Really?

Oh, and should I mention that the past three blockquotes were all one paragraph?

SB: And how often do you do this?

Every week.

SB: Eh, seems whatever.

You say that now while we’re snarking something that isn’t even the worst thing we’ve read. Oh, how wrong you’d be.

Anyway, Kale then breaks the Risen’s knee, before chopping its head off. He then moves to pick up the dagger, whereupon…

“That belongs to me.”

Looking up, I immediately jump back as I see the source of the voice: a man about my age, if I had to guess, wearing a mask that completely covered his face. The mask itself has a pretty simple design: it’s black with gold lines painted into it that helps bring out the finer details. Actually, I take that back: it’s a damn impressive design, made to look like a raven while also appearing practical to wear. The man wears a black tunic with a red belt going across his chest, numerous small daggers placed inside small sheathes. On each of his arms, near the bicep, are black bands with a golden insignia on them: a raven, if I had to guess, sitting on a perch. His lower body is covered by dark grey pants with dark brown boots covering his feet. On his hip is a pair of scabbards attached to a red belt. One of the scabbards seems to be older than the other; its blue exterior seems to have faded with time. All in all, the guy’s intimidating to look at.

And also seems to have had more description for his uniform than practically anything else in the story.

C: It is good to see costume porn is alive and well in these blasted things.

SB: …Costume porn?

Authors spending too much time on describing costumes. Believe me, it’s incredibly annoying.

So then this reject from the Antivan Crows is all “get moving, the other two are in danger”, he leaves, and then Kale hears someone scream. He runs over, dodging one of Myra’s fireballs before appraising the situation:

I think we lucked out: it’s a small horde of them, maybe only ten or twelve in all, most of them carrying either swords or axes. Myra and Krysta are standing in the center of the camp, Myra shielding Krysta while she fires off spells at each of the approaching Risen. I lock eyes with the two of them for a moment before I take off, running past them and towards where two fighters are stalking around. Remember, they’re monsters, not humans. No hesitation!

SB: Didn’t he say this before? I think your nerd story is starting to skip and repeat itself…

I mean, I know it’s only his… what, third time in the middle of heavy combat? But either way, yeah, this is fucking excessive.

I duck under one of their attacks and plunge my blade into my attackers chest, kicking him away and into his fellow Risen.

Which would logically do jack shit because you established that the Risen dissolve into dust once they’re killed. But hey, who am I to inject logic into this sequence? That would just be stupid!

Before either of them can stand, I run over to them and stab down, directly into their heads.

C: Wait, you stabbed… how many?

Two down…

Oh. You know, for a second there, I was convinced you took all “ten or twelve” Risen out in a single stab! And I was about to try to figure out how the hell that’s even possible, and then I would’ve just given up!

C: And hold, did he do that with the same sword? I hardly think two Risen would stand patiently in line waiting for you to be able to do that. Or did he have a second sword somewhere we could not see?

So then, Myra takes out two more. Kale looks at the other Risen, but before anyone can do anything they suddenly turn away. Kale asks if Myra and Krysta are okay, before going on being all “hey, Marco and Garrett’ll be back soon with a new face, we’re off on a rescue mission.” Krysta asks who is coming, and Kale is all “just call her great and shit”.

Myra reacts the way most intelligent people would:

I see Myra mouthing the words ‘Great Genevieve’ as she tries to suppress a laugh.

SB: Oh, good, she’s partly normal.

So of course, right as Myra thinks this, who should show up but the Great and Powerful Trix… I mean, Great Genevieve, who then rambles on a bit before being all “we got a job to do”.

She turns to Marco, who looks like he’s digging around in Garrett’s bag for something. “Right, boss?”

Boss?! Is she seriously going to- my mind can’t handle so much ego! “Erm, right Genevieve.” Marco says, abandoning his search for whatever it had been inside of Garrett’s bag that he needed. If I had to guess, it was probably booze… Something tells me you’d need plenty of it to deal with Genevieve…

Wow, Genevieve is so annoying she’s annoying the other characters.

C: That is quite a lot of annoying.

SB: She isn’t even that good, anyway. I mean, all she does is grandstand. Calling it know, she’s the worst basic. Not deserving of a ‘babe’ even.

At this rate, I don’t think you’d be wrong

“Alright, listen up. We’re going to be in for a serious fight tonight but its something we have to do. There’s a mansion just past the forest, I suppose it belongs to a minor noble, not that that matters, that’s under siege by the Risen, those monsters that we’ve encountered. Genevieve has told me of their number; it’s a lot of them, but there was a full battalion of guards staying there, so its possible they’ve been thinned out by them. Kale, Garrett, and myself will go through the front and try to make our way to any survivors. Myra, Krysta: Genevieve informed me of an entrance that she used once prior to get inside. The three of you will enter from that way and try to assist any wounded. This won’t be an easy battle, but I’m confident that we can get through it. Are there any questions?”

“Uh, yes, sir: why are you sending the back group with no heavy hitters? What if they bump into a few Risen in there? What are you planning on doing then? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have a heavy hitter with Krysta instead of leaving her with a mage who can be taken out in a few hits and a thief who can barely do any damage?”

That is what Kale would say if he didn’t suck at tactics. But as he doesn’t… well, you know.

And then Myra is all “will Kale be okay”, and Marco goes on about “these things aren’t human, blah blah”. After that…

There’s another heavy silence after I finish speaking. Finally, Marco speaks up. “I’m glad to hear you say that, truly I am. However, Genevieve told Garrett and I something disturbing. Before she escaped the mansion, she saw something… It was a man…

And he was commanding the Risen.”

SB: Dramatic much? shit…

You’d think. Well, except that we just hit the end of the chapter. And that would be the end of it, except…

*And the plot thickens!

That.

SB: The hell are those?

C: Authors notes. Lots of these fics seem to have them, for some reason.

Let’s see what he’s got to say…

…and this chapter took WAY too long for me to write. Seriously, I apologize for how long this took. I’m not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing that I’m aiming to get these chapters out once a week.

You should probably plan on not setting a schedule. When the chapter’s ready, it’ll be ready.

If you have any opinion on this, please leave it in a review. I’m always up for a bit of constructive criticism here and there.

Which actually brings me to another thing I’d like to bring up: criticism. I know this might sound odd, but any criticisms you can give me, big or small, would be really helpful. If you have any thoughts on this story but you’re afraid of speaking up, don’t be or just send me a PM. Seriously, constructive criticism is appreciated. Just make sure it is constructive.

Hm…

Actually, on that note: SC, did you ever do that? ‘Cause if you did… Hm.

One final note before I end this off. I said earlier I was considering OC’s. Well, I still am. I’m not sure how many I’d be willing to accept, as I still have characters of my own that will come in later, but I do think I’d be able to accept a few at the very least.

Well, I’d tell you that you should have probably capped off the reader-submitted OCs at the number you have now, but let’s face it: at least you’re not fucking Nero Angelo Sparda, who couldn’t even be bothered to keep basic fucking information about his characters in any way straight. And while there are stupid moments, the writing for these characters is… tolerable.

SB: And you’re accepting ‘tolerable’? Really? Do that in the FBA and your ass is doomed…

Sterling, you have not seen some of the characters we have been forced to look at in the Library. The vast majority of characters I have been forced to look at have all been horrible, horrible abominations against literature. Trust me, “tolerable” is actually a good thing around these parts.

Note that I’m saying OC. NOT SELF-INSERTIONS. Just want to make that clear.

Good, at least we won’t be seeing goddamn Subject 23 in there again.

If and when I do decide to start including OC’s, I’ll make sure to let all of you know.

So, without any further ado, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and if so, great and if not, alright. Thank you for reading this and have a nice day.*

And then we—

Wait, one last thing: I don’t hate Inigo. I just feel like I’d be the person to give him a hard time. Don’t worry though; someone else is coming up that I plan on giving a much harder time. Who is it? Well… *laughs evilly* …you’ll have to wait and see.

C: You do not actually hate Inigo? You could have fooled me, sir.

No kidding. It might not be up to the level of the Miranda bashing we saw in Subject 23, but really? You set up an entire single-paragraph scene just to give Inigo a hard time. I don’t know about you, but that right there is one step away from being a bashing tactic, that you’re devoting that much time to giving one character a hard time.

SB: Subject 23?

… Oh, right, you haven’t been around the Library. Hm… Crunchy?

C: Yes, monkey?

Would you be a dear and check on the ninjas around the interdimensional portal? I’m going to show Sterling the wonders of Subject 23.

C: Oh dear… I wish you the best of luck with that, puppy.

SB: Polecat, you deaf dipshit!

C: You keep telling yourself that. I have work to do. *leaves*

SB: Fucking ignorant bastard…

It’s Crunchy. He likes to pretend he’s an evil, evil person, but he’ll come around. You just have to be patient with him.

SB: Sounds like something the nun would say. From where in the Bible is it?

I don’t know, and either way I’m not turning to Uncle Google now. *pulls book from a shelf* Anyway, since you’re here now, allow me to introduce you to the WTF fest that is Subject 23

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156 Comments on “1256: Fire Emblem ReAwaken – Chapter Six”

  1. SC says:

    Okay, sword? Check. Vulnerary? Check, and I think it’s good for two more uses… I’ll probably save them and let Krysta do some of the healing. She could use the experience.

    If you’re all the low-level fuckers I think you are, it’s probably a smarter play to just keep her back, save some cash until she can buy a few Rescue staves, then just have her practice like hell with those. That’s how I had to do it with Maribelle and Lissa.

    Besides, I don’t know how long Vulneraries can go before starting to smell weird.

    • SC says:

      Oh yay, we’re talking about vulneraries not like an actual potion, but like an item with three uses where it breaks after the last use! You know, writing with game mechanics instead of real life! Because that totally didn’t screw over a fic the last time it happened!

      Which is why I chose to discard the game terminology during my end of the riff.

      The more you know ~!

  2. SC says:

    C: Thus said the actress to the bishop.

    Why, WHY, did I immediately think you meant the chess piece?

  3. SC says:

    After adjusting the scabbard of my sword for the umpteenth time (I’m starting to think the whole ‘possessed sword’ idea may actually hold water; the hilt keeps stabbing me in the side)

    *Specs and Goldie both make strangled rage sounds*

    Breathe, gentlemen. You know how you two get when you suffocate from your own anger.

  4. SC says:

    Um, you do realize that in the context of Awakening’s mechanics, you can’t actually have a gay relationship with anyone, right? Just saying.

    Yeah, come on Kale, that’s Fates you’re thinking of. That shit doesn’t come to American shores until next year!

  5. SC says:

    It’s a mixture of shock, embarrassment, anger, and so much more that just completely changes her from the raging fiery mage she was earlier into a slack-jawed, flabbergasted girl who- OH GOD, SHE HAS HER FIRE TOME!

    “YOU SICKO!” She screams as she flips open the book and holds her hand out towards me, an orb of fire forming in her palm. “I’LL BURN YOU TO ASH FOR THAT!” Okay, I went too far! Once again, my tongue causes me problems!

    *Casually sips tea*

  6. SC says:

    Looking up, I immediately jump back as I see the source of the voice: a man about my age, if I had to guess, wearing a mask that completely covered his face. The mask itself has a pretty simple design: it’s black with gold lines painted into it that helps bring out the finer details. Actually, I take that back: it’s a damn impressive design, made to look like a raven while also appearing practical to wear. The man wears a black tunic with a red belt going across his chest, numerous small daggers placed inside small sheathes. On each of his arms, near the bicep, are black bands with a golden insignia on them: a raven, if I had to guess, sitting on a perch. His lower body is covered by dark grey pants with dark brown boots covering his feet. On his hip is a pair of scabbards attached to a red belt. One of the scabbards seems to be older than the other; its blue exterior seems to have faded with time. All in all, the guy’s intimidating to look at.

    Contacts: What the-?!

    Problem?

    Contacts: This description sounds way too familiar! Is this guy that fucker Crowe?! Because if he is, that little bitch-ass still owes me my cut from a job I helped out on!

    Thieving buddy of yours, I take it?

    Contacts: He was, until he decided to be a cunt.

    Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not him, in any event.

    Contacts: That little asswipe can’t hide forever! I’ll hunt him down one of these days!

  7. GhostCat says:

    I’m not really surprised at what I say; my friends and I would joke around like this all the time, even some of my girl friends.

    Yeah, but there’s a difference between saying inappropriate things to friends and saying the same thing to a stranger; your friends would know you are just joking since you have an established rapport and shared history, while a stranger would just see you as some weird pervert.

  8. GhostCat says:

    SB: …This bitch needs a tampon and a dildo. Worst PMS ever…

    I really hope you know those two items aren’t used together, otherwise you could be in for an awkward emergency room visit should you suggest this treatment to a lady-friend.

  9. GhostCat says:

    “… ‘ppreciate that…” he mumbles, grabbing a stick from the ground and… Wait, that’s not a stick…

    “Is that an arrow?!” I practically scream- no, I did scream it- as I shoot up from my sitting place. I snatch it out of his hands and examine it, holding it up slightly to the rapidly dimming light coming from the sun. The thing looks ancient, as if it had been laying here for years.

    If it looked like it had been laying there for years, then it really wouldn’t look like an arrow anymore since most of a handmade arrow – like the glue holding it together, the lashings, the fletching – would have rotted away or been eaten by insects within a pretty short time period if it was just laying out in the open.

  10. Swenia says:

    SB: Fuck me…

    Flirt.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    “Hey, Kale, are you ready yet?” I hear Myra, because of course it had to be her, shout from outside of my door. Before I can answer, the door opens up and she strides right in, as if she owns the entire inn. “Well, it looks like you are. Good. We were all getting tired of waiting for you.”

    If it wasn’t for the obvious Tsundere setup here, she’d be worth removing the lockout on the literary transporter for.

  12. GhostCat says:

    “But that means…” I suddenly look around our surroundings and grimace as smaller details suddenly pick themselves out of the scenery: a small gash in the bark of a tree, the places where the branches broke being not as jagged as they should be, and the smaller plants looking as though an army has just traveled through here.

    On one hand, it’s refreshing to see someone making an attempt to set a scene. On the other hand – the hell does that even mean?

  13. GhostCat says:

    It begins to bring it down, with my eyes widening in fear as I realize that there’s not enough time for me to try and block it.

    Instead, I stumble backwards, letting out a loud cry of pain as the tip of the sword cuts down my midsection, tearing open my tunic/shirt and leaving a thin red line behind in its path.

    He didn’t have time to defend himself, but a little step backwards was enough to almost completely take him out of his attacker’s range so that he only received a superficial (yet dramatic) wound?

    Damn. What kind of slow-ass waste of space excuse for a fighter is he?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      The kind who forgets his injury for a while before it needs to get treated.

      Seriously… Brace yourself. Next chapter is going to be rough.

    • SC says:

      In the very first chapter, I pegged him as a Myrmidon. They are one of the FASTEST and most capable tier one units. That right there should tell you just how bad Kale is.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    I give her the best sincere smile I can, given that I’m currently looking Death in the face and boy, is she pissed.

    Author, please do not attempt to use words longer than one syllable without first looking up their meaning in the dictionary.

    If you have to force a smile or otherwise manufacture one in a situation like this, IT IS NOT FUCKING SINCERE!

  15. TacoMagic says:

    Congrats, Kale. You just had your first Support Conversation.

    Oh for fuck’s sake. Really? Author, pull your dick out of the game mechanics and actually use your fucking gourd!

    Do you not really understand the underlying idea behind support conversations? Are you really that dense? Here, let me spell it out for you: people who get on well together often work better together. That’s why many businesses do team building. When people like each other, they cooperate better and know how to build on each other’s strengths and account for weaknesses in the group. That’s why you get a stat boost in the game as you get more support conversations. The idea is that they’re working better as a team.

    To put it simply: IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A LITERAL THING!

  16. TacoMagic says:

    All I need to say about arrows staying intact? Just play The Last of Us for five minutes, and see how many of your arrows you can collect after you’ve fired them.

    Well, from a real world archery standpoint, as long as you don’t hit something really, really hard like a rock, arrows usually survive. I think games overplay the fragility of arrows in general. Even if you shoot a traditional wood arrow through a deer, they usually come out in tact. If you hit a tree or something, they can be a bitch to dig out, but they usually survive that kind of thing as well. Even arrows that punch through armor still remain viable to be reclaimed, though usually they’ll need to be re-fletched and sharpened.

    The point here being that the only real visible difference between an arrow that’s been fired and an arrow that’s fallen out of a quiver is that there is none. So his assertion that it was just fired is absolutely moronic, especially since he just said it looked ancient.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I actually mentioned The Last of Us, partly because if you miss, the arrow usually hits concrete or something like that. But yeah, arrows were a little… fragile in that game, LOL.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Arrow mechanics in games are all over the map in general. Some games they’ll happily stick into solid steel walls and be recovered just fine. Others, they’ll hit a bale of hay and disintegrate.

        And sometimes you just don’t get your arrows back. I’m looking at you, Dark Souls.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, Dark Souls is the kind of game that would take candy from a baby and then murder the baby in a brutal fashion, so I don’t know why you’d expect it to be nice to you.

  17. TacoMagic says:

    “I’m not sure, but look around us. It looks like an army’s just been through here.”

    And how the living crap did nobody in the group notice that before now?

    That’s it, I’m just going to preemptively start rooting for the empire.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Are you saying you’ve never heard of me? The greatest of female thieves, the Great Genevieve? I, who have pioneered several of the greatest heists in the combined histories of Plegia, Ylisse,and Regna Ferox, have not been heard of before?

    Well, you know, if you are the greatest thief, then it would follow that nobody will have heard of you. That’s kind of the point of being a good thief.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      As Kasumi mentions in Mass Effect, yes.

      • TacoMagic says:

        C: I wonder if her reputation is well-served, too. After all, are the best thieves the ones that very few people have heard of, no? If you have a reputation as a thief, I imagine that would mean you were captured.

        Yeah. Like, what was it Kasumi Goto said about her being the best thief in the galaxy in Mass Effect 2?

        Ahh… right.

    • SC says:

      Which is why Contacts is well-known: he sucks at his job.

      Contacts: Hey!

  19. TacoMagic says:

    C: Hm… Such interesting sounds. I must investigate this further.

    Crunchy! You assured me that you had given up your quest for the brown note!

  20. TacoMagic says:

    a man about my age, if I had to guess, wearing a mask that completely covered his face.

    What is it about us getting fics where people have mask fetishes?

    And, if he’s wearing a mask that completely covers his face, how the fuck do you know how old he is!?

  21. TacoMagic says:

    If you have any opinion on this, please leave it in a review. I’m always up for a bit of constructive criticism here and there.

    “A bit here and there?” Bitch, please. If you want constructive criticism, you need to be ready to get it all over your writing.

  22. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Am I cursed to make every single female in the world upset at me!? Why does the universe just… FUUUUU-

    That, you poor fool, is karma coming back to bite you in the ass.

  23. Tie Dye Mage says:

    You’re treadin’ on thin ice there, kid.” He fixes me with- God, I think I’d rather face the Risen right now than have him be this mad with me! Guess you would develop a good ‘scary face’ while you’re a bandit…

    Garrett used Scary Face!

    Kale wets himself in terror!

  24. Tie Dye Mage says:

    I don’t know, and either way I’m not turning to Uncle Google now. *pulls book from a shelf* Anyway, since you’re here now, allow me to introduce you to the WTF fest that is Subject 23…

    You should probably take him into a soundproof room. I sense that a bombardment of expletives is imminent.

  25. Huh. You know, I realized some time ago that this story of mine was pretty bad, which was the main reason I stopped bothering to write for it, but I never thought it would be bad enough for a riff site. Oh well. Might have to check that out later.

    As for the complaint you had… Yeah, I could have worded that a LOT better. When I said ‘here and there,’ I didn’t mean for it to sound the way you think I meant it. I’ll gladly take whatever criticism I get, whenever I get it and from whomever wants to give it to me. Sorry if that made me sound bad.

    Huh.

  26. Holy. Shit.

    Hello, everyone. MaesterDimentio here, finally updating this story of mine. Sadly, this is not the sort of update some of you may have wanted; considering how long an absence I took from this story, I think it safe to say that it was the one that you were expecting.

    This story, Fire Emblem: ReAwaken, is officially dead.

    I made the decision a long time ago, but I never officially stated it. I personally consider that to be a mistake on my part – after all, if I start something, I should finish it, one way or another. And despite what plans I had for this story, I am afraid that none of them will likely see fruition. Also, I would like to apologize to those of you who sent in a character hoping to have it appear in the story proper.

    So, why did I decide to can this story? Simply put, I have grown to hate it.

    Looking back, I can barely read one or two paragraphs without physically cringing from just how bad the entire thing is. A lot of things just did not work for me and I started to see the beginnings of several plot holes that would have torn the story apart regardless. Maybe it’s for the best that I ended it when I did.

    But beyond the awful writing, I grew to despise the Self-Insert I had created. Kale… Just thinking about him makes me want to slam my head into my desk. When I wrote him, I thought I had created a half-decent character; now I realize that he is just another Gary Stu, and I don’t want that for my stories. I realized that as I was writing him, I was more or less making him a mouthpiece for my own personal frustrations – Hell, a lot of the story wound up becoming a way for me to vent at times. That is not how a story should be written.

    So, this is goodbye for this story. I have something of an idea to reboot this in the future, but if I do there will be many changes, first and foremost being: no Kale. It will not be a Self-Insert, and I do not plan on ever writing another Self-Insert again. For another, the characters and plot elements would be tweaked significantly in the hopes of creating something that actually deserves to be read.

    Again, I would like to apologize to those of you who genuinely did enjoy my story. I should have announced this story’s end a lot sooner than I did. And I am sorry that I am laying this story to rest. I will not be deleting it, however. It will stay around as a reminder of my past mistakes as a writer.

    Thank you,
    -MaesterDimentio.

  27. MaesterDimentio says:

    I must admit that I’m enjoying these riffs – a big thanks to agigabyte for telling me this even existed. Makes me realize just how bad this story of mine really was. So much melodrama and so many overblown moments… Funny how I rarely watched anime at the time, yet there are so many tropes of it present here. Thanks for giving me the chance to enjoy this travesty of a story for the first time in months.

    • You’re welcome. I hope you become a permanent member. Anyone who realizes the badness of their badfic is awesome in my book.

      • MaesterDimentio says:

        I think I might just stick around. There’s a lot of really funny stuff on here, and for every one of these riffs I read, I learn a little more about what NOT to do in a fanfic.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hey MaesterDimentio! Welcome to the Library!

        We’re glad you’re enjoying the riff so far. And yeah, actually, when Agig mentioned your reply to her review, it sort of made me feel great. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, and I think that’s very true of fanfiction once you look back.

        In all honesty, for as much crap as we give Kale, I don’t really find ReAwaken to be really as bad as most of the fics we’ve riffed here. It’s dumb, sure, but trust me, as far as fics I’ve riffed there are much dumber fics. God help you if you should ever read the Parallel Realities riff; that fic was one of the dumbest fics I’ve ever riffed, even today!

        But yeah. We’re glad to have you.

      • GhostCat says:

        Agig’s a he, not a her.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah, sorry. Damn, internet genders are so weird!

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Hi MasterDimentio! Glad you could join us! It’s funny how many people on this site were former badfic writers. I look forward to see what you contribute. On a side note, we need to prepare for your initiation ritual. I going to need a ballerina tutu, a unicycle, a hibachi, and rubber chicken for the first part.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        We don’t use a rubber chicken in the initiation ritual.

      • leobracer says:

        We have an iniation ritual?

        I don’t think I did mine when I joined.

      • Goddess: *Smirks* I’ll grab the branding iron.

      • leobracer says:

        *headdeask*

        Oh frack me. I spelled initiation wrong.

      • GhostCat says:

        You also seem to be having a problem with your desk.

      • GhostCat says:

        We had to switch to rubber chickens because Gumdrop kept eating the live ones. He ate the rubber ones, too – but thanks to a few interns with strong stomachs, we got them back.

      • Agent [REDACTED]: Welcome! I’m Agent [REDACTED], the resident omnipresent man in black. Dakota will help you get situated.

        Dakota: Hello, I’m Commodore Dakota Dighe, resident Logistics Officer for the whole damn Library. I keep supplies running, and keep the PCC from declaring war on us. I’m really the reason this place is a success, what with Goddess being a tempting target for rival corporations.

        Now, a couple of things. First, do you prefer rubber or plastic ducks? If rubber, go talk to Ghostie. She’s the woman who occasionally becomes a translucent anthropomorphic cat, and is talking with a T-Rex. If platic, go talk with Agent [CLASSIFIED]. She’s the woman in a black suit with a white tie. I say with, but it’s really talking to her, because she never says anything except to her fellow agents.

        Also, do you prefer Branding Irons, Blowtorches, or Plasma Torches? If the former, talk with Goddess. She’s the woman with the manic grin and Plasma Sniper Rifle. If Blowtorches, speak with SC. He probably has a character with them. If Plasma Torches, speak with Garrus.

        Agent [REDACTED]: You mean Agent [BIRDBRAIN].

        Dakota: Speak with Garrus. He’s the alien that looks like a cross between a lizard and a bird, if you don’t know.

        Also check out the giant lake, which has a giant squid. Please do visit the Riffleet and tour the non-classified areas of the Archon. Finally, go to the two hundred and twenty first floor, where Goddess put the moon of Ganymede after she stole it.

      • GhostCat says:

        Finally, go to the two hundred and twenty first floor, where Goddess put the moon of Ganymede after she stole it.

        We should probably think about returning that, it’s likely playing hell with the Earth’s gravitational mass.

      • Goddess: NO! *Puts Ganymede in partial temporal stasis so it still physically exists, but has no gravitational effect*

        Cain: Could we at least return the Queen of England?

      • Syl says:

        Don’t be ridiculous; it’s called “stealing”, not “stealing and giving back”.

      • Cain: Oh, fuck me. Don’t-

        Goddess: Too late, took it literally.

        Cain: *Teleports to the lake, grabs The Queeb, and teleports her to her bedroom, then teleports to the Archon*

      • Syl says:

        [looks at monitor displaying a very confused Queen of England standing on the dock of the Library’s underground lake]

        Well, this is going to be awkward.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Nice to meet you, Maester Dimentio. Nothing wrong with having an old shame, we’ve got a few of our own on here. I’d give the pitch of finding the humor in your old junk and having a laugh at your younger, dumber self, but you already seem to be there, so… uh… HI!

      I am very good at initiation speech.

      Anyway, the important part is to keep writing. Always. That’s actually half the reason most of us do this. So that we have an excuse to be writing something.

    • "Lyle" says:

      Here’s your orientation packet. *hands one over.*

      Don’t give the T-Rex dairy, watch out for the ninja, and make fun of yourself readily and you’ll fit in just fine.

    • SC says:

      Well, I’ll be damned!

      Hello, MaesterDimentio! I don’t know how far back you’ve been reading the riff of this fic, but just in case you don’t know, I’m the guy who initially started the riff. I handed it over to Herr for actually a pretty similar reason that you killed your own fic: I really didn’t like how I was writing it. It hurt to read.

      I want to be up front with you: When I first found your fic, I didn’t think it was super terrible. In fact, ReAwaken was my way of decompressing from a very much WORSE fic that I’m still riffing, because that fic needs to be handled in small increments. Hell, even when Kale started becoming worse and worse over time, I still didn’t hate it.

      Believe it or not, but whenever I start a new riff, I’m prepared for the author to show up, but I’m always super worried that it’s going to be a fight. You have no idea how grateful I am that you’re being cool about this, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. Gotta be for Herr, too!

  28. "Lyle" says:

    That can’t be right… Its still in one piece, so it must’ve just been fired.

    It’s the illusive self-destruction arrow! Seriously? I’ve only lost 1 arrow in all my archery practice and that was because I hit the noch with another arrow and split the back too badly to repair.

  29. Harlow says:

    You might wanna open a window soonish with that fucking guy in there :V

    (Hi, “Sterling” here, hope you enjoyed the jock skunk.)


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