1255: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-TwoPosted: December 2, 2015
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
“Ugh, are we there yet?”
No, we certainly aren’t.
“How about now?”
No, we’re not there yet.
NO! Don’t make me turn this riff around. I’ll make the both of us riff everything we’ve done to date, but backwards!
“But it’s sooooooo looooooooooong!”
Hey, just because we’ve been doing this fic since the beginning of time, doesn’t mean it’s long.
So, last time the blob managed to squeltch their way into a magical painting in which princess Emille is trapped in magical slumber. As soon as they arrive, she wakes up… because that’s how magical slumber works. Using the power of her kindness, they break into the ceremony and expose the impostor, who happens to be a winglie by the name of Lenus. They show down with her in the worst fight scene ever written, and she steals the Moon Dagger and bugs off. The chapter ends with Stanky noticing that Meru looks like a winglie.
This week, well…
“Sweet crap, that’s a lot of dialogue down there!”
Yes, yes it is.
Chapter XXXII: Voyage of the Queen’s Fury
“Nuh-uh, I don’t sail.”
Queen’s Fury. It’s a boat.
As the situation died down after Lenus escaped with the Moon Dagger, the group met with King Zior to explain the entire situation to him.
Off to a great start this week, I see.
*Swenia pulls out her phone* “Eliza? Can you put Jiwe in the Pichu costume and send him into the hall real quick? Thanks!”
*A chorus of “awww”s come from the hallway*
“I can’t help but think Jiwe would be less insufferable if he didn’t know how cute he was.”
Tell me about it. I’ve got a three-year-old who knows how to work it.
While the conversation was reaching it’s end, Stryfe saw a great look of comfort in Princess Emille’s eyes. It’s been so long since she sat on her throne.
“She must have one of those thrones that doubles as a toilet.”
Is that even-
“Best kept secret of the monarchy, bro.”
King Zior: You are the King of Serido, Albert. Why did you take such a risk?
Albert: It might be self-gratification. However, I would like to settle my friend’s score, with my own hands.
And if there’s one thing this fic knows a lot about, it’s self-gratification.
So, at this point we launch into a huge conversation that is 100% stolen plot regurgitation dialogue, so we’re going to skip over it. The basic gist is that they’re chasing Lloyd because… that’s what they’ve been doing. Yeah, it’s literally exposition of stuff we already know. After they’re done with exposition, they ask King Zoir to tell them about the Moon Dagger.
King Zior got up from his throne and approached the group.
King Zior: It was after the Dragon Campaign. The Humans defeated the Winglies and built Serido, Tiberoa and Mille Seseau. They say the few surviving Winglies sent a divine object of the moon as a proof of peace to the three countries. That’s all I know about the legend.
I guess that whole “protect this artifact at all cost” portion of the winglies handing it over was lost because, meh, not important.
“Easily the least interesting part of the legend.”
Albert: We have the same legend in my country. What is dangerous is that we Humans don’t know what the divine moon objects are for.
For good reason. The winglies probably didn’t want the humans to know that they were handing over artifacts that could lead to the end of the world.
“Knowing how you monkeys work, you’d have tried to weaponize it after a few years.”
Yeah, we’re kinda jerks when it comes to world ending devices.
“Not to mention lazy. Lions would have the thing weaponzied in under a week! Think of how many water buffalo you could drop with an evil moon virage!”
Stryfe: You mean the Winglies knew everything and formed a conspiracy!?
How the fuck did you come to that conclusion from, ‘We don’t know what these things do’?
“Maybe because the author played the game and knows that there was a sort of conspiracy.”
Though in this case the conspiracy was, ‘Spread out the moon objects so that the end of the world doesn’t happen.’
“Hey, there can be good conspiracies.”
Seems kinda far-fetched given the information we have. Actually, Stanky, you seen to know a lot more than the rest of us. Are you in on the conspiracy!?
Emille: Father. We have to get the Moon Dagger back. Before the stars beheld over Tiberoa, now they are lost in a shadow.
Author, if you’re going to steal dialogue wholesale, at the very least you should correct the errors.
“This is the guy who can’t use the word ‘scar’ correctly.”
Yeah, in many ways he bit off more than he can chew. It’s like getting MarissaTheWriter as your beta.
Stryfe: Do you know where she could’ve gone, Your Majesty?
“The dude couldn’t even figure out that this daughter was an inept doppleganger! How would he know where-”
King Zior: According to some of our lookouts past the ocean, she seems to be heading for Illisa Bay.
“Oh. Right, he’s got soldiers.”
We’ll let your group take our naval flagship, the Queen’s Fury, to pursue her. I will send word to Commodore Puler as soon as you head for Donau.
Dart: We appreciate it, Your Majesty.
Now he’s letting them use his ship to chase after Lenus!?
“Not just any ship, his Navy’s flagship!”
This guy is the host by which other hosts are measured and found wanting. Easily the best character in the fic.
King Zior: It was the first time I had ever seen a Wingly, but they seem to be beyond our power…so…we will need your help.
“Because they can fly and poorly imitate princesses.”
Now you have an inkling as to why they lost the war.
Stryfe: You can count on us, then!
Emille: Please, take care of yourselves.
“It’s like he didn’t say anything!”
As soon as their preperations were complete, the group left Feltz and headed back through the Barrens, towards Donau.
“Wait, I thought they were taking the ship.”
The ship is in Donau because Feltz is landlocked. If the author could be assed to have some setting, we would know that.
While traveling to their destination,
Stryfe tried to piece together Meru’s connection to Lenus.
Let’s itemize what we know about her via the fic.
“She’s perky, and looks kinda similar to Lenus.”
There, we’ve pieced it together.
They didn’t seem to know each other personally, but Meru seemed to know somehow that Lenus was a Wingly during the confrontation, and vise versa.
“Given that you, of all people, figured out that winglies have a basic similar look, I wonder how Meru could have figured out that Lenus is a winglie.”
DARK WINGLIE MAGIC!
When the group arrived in Donau, they were just in time to see the wedding of Lynn and Kate, which was just about to end.
Damn, Lynn wasn’t kidding.
As Lynn threw the bouqeut to the crowd, it split into two separate pairs of flowers, both of which were caught by Shana and Meru.
Wow. First off… no, bad author!
The number of things wrong here is just staggering for such a short sentence. First, the author forgot that Lynn is the groom and not the bride in the space of a single sentence. Two, originally it’s just one bouquet that goes to Shana, but the author needed to contrive it in probably the most ridiculous and stupid way so that he could have more obvious foreshadowing that his insertion will get some insertion time with Meru. That’s the kind of thing that really deserves a spanking, and not the fun kind that Swenia was about to suggest.
“Man, steal my thunder why don’t you.”
Finally, that sentence is awkward as fuck.
Meru then turned to Stryfe, giving him an endearing look that caused the usually quiet warrior to turn bright red.
*Grinning insanely* “That grinning thing is amazingly effective. I haven’t thrown up even once!”
Thank you informed attribute. I guess Stanky, despite absolutely loving the sound of his own voice, is actually quiet most of the time. Shame that the fic couldn’t actually show him keeping his flapping noise hole shut.
Also, why is blushing placed in juxtaposition of being quiet!? THOSE THINGS AREN’T OPPOSITES, MORON!
“Not to mention there’s no such thing as an ‘endearing look’. Wait a damn moment-” *Swenia pulls out her Ficcorder* “Oh crap, the fail density has crossed the ‘no fucks left to give’ threshold!”
Ahh, yeah. Whenever the author stops giving any shit about their writing, things always go downhill fast. And for a fic that already started in the valley of not giving a single shit, well now it’s time to get out the mining equipment.”
After the ceremony came to a close, the group proceeded to the docks of Donau, where the Queen’s fury was docked and waiting for them. Stryfe was awed by what he saw, as the Queen’s Fury didn’t look like a ship at all, rather like a fortress built for sea travel.
“This dude would be awed by a cup of cocoa with two marshmallows in it instead of one.”
One has to wonder what the hell he and Dart were doing on their five year journey if things like small castles and big boats are awe inspiring.
And, honestly, the Queen’s Fury isn’t all that awe inspiring. At best, I’d say it’s weird looking.
“Not really what I’d call an aquatic fortress. Looks like somebody repurposed an oil rig into water-wings for a cargo barge.”
Shana: This…is a ship?
Kongol: Kongol excited. It bigger than me.
*Swenia waggles her eyebrows*
Dart: So…this is the Queen’s Fury?
Just then, a young girl around the age of twelve ran up to the group. She was wearing a sailor’s uniform, along with the Tiberoan Army Emblem on her chest.
“Kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel for naval officers. You’d think they would have actual soldiers on their flagship.”
Meh, it’s canon. The game did paint Tiberoa as a mostly peace-loving country. Which follows given that their flagship looks like it was pieced together hastily from spare farm equipment and construction scaffolding. Likely they don’t get this whole ‘war’ thing.
“I suppose she could also be a squire. The quasi-medieval/Renaissance time period would mean that young nobility would be in harms way as a matter of course.”
Yeah… about that.
Girl: Excuse me, are you two Stryfe and Dart!?
Dart: And who are you?
Kayla: I’m Kayla! I’m the first mate aboard the Queen’s Fury!
*Swenia throws up her hands* “Fine! They suck at war!”
You tried to make it logical. That’s the important thing.
Stryfe: A little girl like you is the first mate…?
“I hate it when Stanky is incredulous when it makes sense to be.”
Kayla: Yes! My father is the Commodore! I’ll go get him now!
This is probably one of those times where having the family ties doesn’t really work in your favor.
“It’s generally considered a bad idea to exercise ‘bring your child to work day’ when you’re in the military.”
Kayla quickly ran onto the Queen’s Fury, quickly returning with a man who looked as if he has seen many things among the vast sea surrounding Endiness.
“How, precisely, does that look, again?”
You know. Face-ular.
“Thank you. That’s very helpful.”
As the man looked at the group, Stryfe could see how focused and relaxed the middle aged man was, a sign of one who is very experienced.
“Sorry, but you can’t be both. Sure, you can be focused without being a nervous wreck, but that’s being comfortable, not being relaxed.”
Making that mistake in distinction is a sign of somebody who is very inexperienced.
Puler: Oh! So you’re the brave group who routed the bandits!
Stryfe: Yes, we are.
Puler: It would be an honor to have you aboard my ship!
Dart: Thank you, but we don’t wanna be treated as guests.
Stryfe: Our objective is the same, after all. To pursue Lenus.
So, what, you expect that you’re going to be able to pull your weight on a ship? Do you have any experience with manning a ship of this kind?
“Well, if nothing else, there’s always the bilge to pump and the decks to scrub. Don’t have to be a genius to do those things.”
Which is handy, in this case.
Puler: Hmm! I like your dignity!
“That is a weird thing to tell somebody. Is that along the lines of liking somebody’s instep?”
Kayla: Dad! We’re ready to go!
Puler: Kayla! It’s Commodore while you’re on duty! Well, anyways, very well! I take it you all are ready to go too?
I don’t know. Given their standard state of hurriedness, they may want to spend a few days shopping in town and looking at flowers before heading out.
Stryfe looked at the others, who nodded back to him in response. Giving off a grin, he looked at the Commodore and nodded.
Man, he just showered that poor Commodore with expression radiation.
“Poor guy is going to get grin cancer.”
Leading the group onto the ship,
the Queen’s Fury then left the dock at Donau and began to sail across the sea towards Illisa Bay.
“Did… did the Queen’s Fury just lead everyone onto herself?”
Well, you know, sentient ships can be a thing. The Event Horizon, for instance.
“That’s fucked up, dude.”
While the group hung around different parts of the ship, Stryfe decided to hang around with Dart and the Commodore on the Bridge.
“If you idiots don’t want to be treated like guests, don’t fucking act like guests!”
Stryfe took this time to reflect on all that he learned so far about the Winglies.
Okay, what do we got?
“They can use magic, they’re linked to the Virage, they and the humans got into a big war 10,000 years ago, they can fly, they have blue hair, and they gave the humans the moon artifacts after the war.”
Yup, lots we can conclude from that. Thanks, fic.
Although Lenus was an enemy, she didn’t seem to be as ruthless and merciless as the stories he heard his father tell in the past.
So, since the story decided to suddenly pull this plot point out of the author’s ass, why is it that Stanky was so clueless about the winglies up to this point? Heck, he didn’t even have the right name for them starting out. If his father had been telling these stories, he’d have had the right name right off the bat.
“This is why it’s a good idea to know where your story is going BEFORE you decide to write it.”
He began to doubt that the Winglies were even as evil as they once were back in the Dragon Campaign, wondering if the reason why they’ve never been seen in such a long time is because they were seeking a more “sheltered” life away from Humans.
Well, it’s a fair conclusion, especially since the winglies did entrust the humans with the moon artifacts and that they didn’t all die out. I’d give him more credit for this if these conclusions weren’t so painfully obvious.
Before Stryfe could think about it any further, two soft and smooth hands covered his eyes, surprising him.
“Oh shit. Please tell me they don’t fuck already. The chemistry between them is so painfully folded in and shallow that I don’t think I could handle it.”
This from the woman who will basically bonk anything three months out of the year.
“But there isn’t even any obvious lust going on here! At least the author could try to do lust correctly, it’s so easy! They’re young, so their loins could be on fire for some good old-fashioned casual sex, but we don’t even have that basic blind lust! It’s just forced and empty. Romance as written by somebody who’s never experienced any level of relationship. Like watching two assembly line robots make passes at each other. Even bodice rippers can at least get the lust part right.”
“Can you guess who I am?”
Anyone who gets this wrong can go ahead and meet Cerbersheep in the lobby for a complimentary gong upside the head.
Stryfe recalled seeing a bracelet before the hands covered his eyes, causing him to give off a very happy smirk.
It’s always nice watching Cerbs work. He really loves his job.
“So wait, you hear her voice but it takes a bracelet to know who it is. Even forgiving the fact that she might have tried to disguise her voice, there’s only one person who would act like this, let alone be willing to touch you, Stanky.”
Stryfe: Is that you…Meru?
Cerbs has opened his booth in the lobby. Please form an orderly queue.
The hands moved away from his sight after he gave his response. As he turned around, he saw Meru giggling in front of him, making him give off a smile.
Nooo! More radiation!
“We need to seal him in lead to protect the others. Give me the code to the transporter so I can save them!”
No. You just want in there so you can seduce Albert.
Meru: How did you know it was me?
You can tell this is a scene added by the author because of how stupid and childish it is. Beyond even what Meru would normally be.
“It’s actually kinda painful to read. Am I going to need to start grinning soon?”
We might as well start now just in case.
*Both start grinning maniacally*
Stryfe: Your bracelet kinda gave you away. But I recognize that beautiful voice of yours anywhere, Meru.
“That was really close.”
Good thing we went with the preemptive grinning.
“Wait a damn minute. If he recognized her voice, what the fuck is that bracelet nonsense all about!?”
He was trying to appear deeply insightful and perceptive. Because Stu.
Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 59
Stryfe saw Meru blush brightly as she heard his compliment to her. He felt himself become slightly warmer as he chuckled nervously.
*Grinning increases to cheshire cat levels.*
“I’m not sure it’s working, I’m starting to feel ill anyway!”
Just keep going, we’re almost to the end!
Stryfe: So…what’s up, Meru?
Meru: Honestly…I just…wanted to see you, Stryfe. Besides, I’m bored, anyways.
Stryfe: Well, I guess I can see why. We have been sailing for a while now.
And not doing a damn thing to help out despite telling the captain that you didn’t want to be treated as guests.
“Well, Dart was the one to say that, not Stanky. So maybe he’s down running the bilge.”
What a guy.
Meru: Well…why don’t you come with me on a venture around this ship?
Stryfe: I guess…I’ve got nothing better to do.
Meru: So…is that a yes?
Stryfe: Heh, of course.
Wow, what chemistry. She suggests they go do something together, and he tells her that he’s got nothing better to do.
“What a catch. He’d get along well with my ex-husband.”
As they left the Bridge together, Stryfe and Meru began to see what the others were up to.
WOOF! *Rubs throat* So not even like an epsom salt bath or anything?
“If you can figure out how to give your throat an epsom salt bath without drowning, power to you.”
“Daybook exposition incoming!” *Swenia tackles Taco out of his chair*
Shana was enjoying looking out at the sea from the port Bow, playing with the Seagulls. Haschel was hanging out on the Deck, remembering old memories of his daughter. Kongol was in the Engine Room, fascinated by how the machines allowed the ship to plow a path through the waves of the sea.
Albert was in the Quarters, studying up on a book he usually reads in his spare time, which was about more of Serido’s history. Rose was just hanging out on the Crow’s Nest, looking out towards the distance silently.
Ow, was that necessary?
“Maybe not, but it was fun! Notice how he didn’t mention Dart?”
Guess they didn’t go down and visit him in the bilge.
As Stryfe and Meru jumped off the ladder and onto the Crow’s Nest, they noticed Rose.
Just now? But they just described seeing her!
Meru: So that’s where she is…
Stryfe: Don’t get any ideas about playing pranks or anything. She doesn’t understand jokes.
“That’s pretty rude. You’re in a crows nest, which is a few feet across, and you’re talking about the only other person there as if she isn’t.”
Meru: I won’t…it’s just…she has a really mysterious personality. She is always cold but when it comes down to the point, she leads us in many ways.
Except the important ways, which have all been given to Stanky. Because Stu.
Stryfe: Me and Dart are alive right now, because of her.
Meru: I guess I can’t deny that. Me and everyone else are alive because of her too.
“Very true, so maybe you should stop being so fucking rude to her. She’s a foot away.”
As a soft breeze blew past the Crow’s Nest, Stryfe and Meru began to look into each others eyes with very endearing emotions when Stryfe saw Rose suddenly move off the corner of his eye.
“Oh God, I forgot to grin!” *Swenia runs out of the room. The sounds of violent vomiting follow a few moments after.*
Author, stop using the word endearing. It doesn’t mean anything close to the thing you think it means.
When he and Meru looked in the direction that she was looking, they saw a mysterious ship covered in floating blue flames approaching the Queen’s Fury…
Oh hai, ghost ship! And with that, another chapter peters out. Until next time, patrons!
I guess Cerbersheep is still busy with the complimentary gongings. I’m sure he’ll be in here any moment to punish the fic.
Any moment now.