1241: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-One Part One

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

“Part one!?  You mean we have an extra week of this schlop?”

Yeah, sorry about that.  This chapter is just a bit longer than I have time for this week, so I’ve gotta split it up.  On the plus side, that means the next three Wednesdays will feature relatively brisk riffs.

“Wait, next three!?”

Chapter thirty-two is really short, so it’ll be a quickie.

“That’s what she said.”

So last time Stanky and Co. visited the home of the Gigantos.  Which was different from the other parts of the featureless void because it had traps and a giant door.  While there they brutally slaughtered some bandits, discovered that the leader of the bandits was a failed student of Haschel’s, brutally slaughtered more bandits, then were saved from a chunk of falling debris by Kongol, who was promptly absorbed by the character blob.

“What have we got this week?”

Chapter XXXI: Twin Castle Mayhem

“Is that anything like the Two Towers?”

Yes, if the Two Towers was horribly vague and completely stolen from Japan.

As the group left the Valley of Corrupted Gravity and returned to the interpass of the Barrens, Lynn started down the path towards Donau when he turned back to the group and smiled at them, with Stryfe seeing the grateful look in his eyes.

WOOF!  *Rubs throat*  So, an outpatient procedure?

“Yup.  And with your accelerated  healing factor, you should be right as rain in a day or two.”

I don’t have accelerated healing factor.

“…  Uh, I’ll see if Eliza has some time for the next few months to hold down the fort.”

“Also, author, interpass does not mean what you think it means.  Hint: It’s a welding term relating to temperature.”

Meru: Hey! We’ll be in Donau soon! Go home quick to her, you handsome man! Kate is worried!

Lynn: Dart, Stryfe, I cannot thank you two enough. But I have to say it, thank you. Now Donau is saved.

Maybe you should spread some of that thanks around to the rest of the group.  Just a thought.

Stryfe: No. It’s just the beginning. Your father must be taking action now, in response to your courage, Lynn.

“No, Stanky, it’s not the beginning.  You guys killed both ringleaders of the bandit gang and slaughtered a fair few of the mook bandits in the process.  It’s pretty much over.  The only loose end to tie up is the fake princess, which has nothing to do with Donau.”

Meru: Yeah. Finally, that Mayor is taking action against those thieves…

Again, that’s something that really doesn’t feel like ‘just the beginning.’  Meru even used the word ‘finally’ in that sentence.

Dart: Than you for your guidance, Meru.

“She provided guidance?”

In the game, yeah.  Here, well it wasn’t important to her status as Stanky’s crotch decoration, so it was cut from the script.

Stryfe: I guess…you’re leaving us now, huh?

“Yes!  Run, girl, run!”

I have the feeling that she’s not going to be escaping from the character blob that easily.

Meru: Are you kidding? It’s not over yet.

Stryfe: Wh…Wha?

Meru: Stryfe…your journey won’t be easy. What you guys are doing isn’t normal. Monsters like Virage appear around you, Dragoons, Gigantos, I thought they only existed in fairy tales. I…can’t explain it, but I want to help you, Stryfe. Dart too, and everyone else as well!

You know, everyone else in the character blob.  I’m sure they’ve got names and stuff, but I can’t seem to remember them.  They’re probably not important anyway.

Stryfe: Meru…I…

Meru: Well? Why don’t we get going to Feltz now? We can’t procrastinate like this, right!?

“Evidence is not on your side here, dear.  Not having time to dally hasn’t really prevented excessive procrastination in the past.”

Stryfe: Y-Yeah! That’s right!

Dart: Indeed. Still, it’ll continue to be like a traveling three-ring circus.

In that character blobs are like literary clown cars.

Meru: All right!

Stryfe: I’m glad you’re staying with us, Meru.

Meru: Me too, Stryfe.

Lynn: Well, I must be going.

Dart: Say hello to Kate.

Lynn: Please come to our wedding! I’m having it tomorrow if it’s possible! Bon Voyage!

Tomorrow!?  Dude, what the fuck.  You were at death’s door when they found you (as illogical as that was), maybe give yourself a week to recover!

“Maybe he doesn’t want Kate to reconsider the engagement in favor of somebody a bit smarter.  Lynn seems a nice enough guy and his heart is in the right place, but he’s not the sharpest knife in the block.”

While Lynn headed Northeast to Donau, the group proceeded Southwest back towards Feltz. Just as they arrived in the capital of Tiberoa, the sounds of a celebration began to send fears through their minds.

“Because elation is scary shit.”

As Stryfe saw fireworks in the sky, he knew that time was running short.

Generally fireworks come AFTER the ceremony.  So you may as well just pack it in at this point.

“Good thing they spent all that extra time hanging out in the palace.”

Stryfe: Oh no…

Dart: It can’t be!

Its… a THING!

*Gasp* “Not a THING!”

Albert: It seems the ceremony for Princess Emille’s coming of age celebration has already started.

“Ended.  It has already ended.  There are fireworks and everything.”

Meru: We can’t let that imposter get a hold of that Moon Thingamabobber!

See!  A THING!


Stryfe: Err, Meru? It’s called the Moon Dagger.

“Because there is definitely tons of time to quibble about what the moon artifact is called rather than trying to stop the situation from devolving.”

Shana: But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the Moon Dagger has already been passed on!

Stryfe: You’re right! We must still have time!

Yeah, no.  Fireworks.  *points*  Celebrations wait until after there’s actually something to celebrate, not before.

Dart: Let’s go!

As the group raced towards the Twin Castle, they hurried through the outer and inner city, crossing the stairs leading to the castle.

“So wait, there’s only one Twin Castle?”

Yup.  It’s the Twin Castle.

“So, uh, what’s the twin?”

I’m not sure I understand the question.  There’s one twin.


When they got inside, they noticed that there were thieves disguised as the imposter’s “personal soldiers”.

Technically it wouldn’t be a disguise; they are indeed personal soldiers for the impostor.

Just then


the gate guard came up behind them and drew their attention.

Oh, hey, look at that.  It was!

Gate Keeper: Bad people! Coming in without permission! Ha ha! Just kidding. I’ll excuse you all, because today is a happy day.

Suddenly and from behind… hospitality?

“Bet they never saw that coming.”

Stryfe: Err…thanks?

Dart: When did the ceremony start?

Gate Keeper: A moment ago. But just asking doesn’t mean you have an invitation. It’s so packed you couldn’t fit a penny in. She suddenly got a lot of hanger ons. There are so many new faces that I have never seen before, and according to rumor, they used to be bandits.

“Dude, that PCC exposition delivery service does some damn good work.”

No kidding.  Polite, friendly, and full of information!  I’m giving this service five-out-of-five MacGuffins.

Stryfe: Could they be…?

Gate Keeper: See, bad attitude, right? They cannot call themselves knights, but nobody can say because it’s Princess Emille who hired them.

“It’s one of the perks of being a monarch.  You can do whatever crazy shit you want and nobody can call you on it.  Unless you have a daughter who can best you in combat.  That can put a crimp on the crazy.”

The Gate Keeper suddenly realized something and jumped.

Gate Keeper: Oh! Don’t tell anybody about this! And that I let you guys in!

Or about me telling you all the pertinent plot information you’re going to need in order to overthrow the princess.  Definitely don’t mention that!

Stryfe: Heh, you got it, big fella.

“Kindly shut your patronizing word-hole before I stuff a ferret in it.”

While the Gate Keeper got back to his post, the group tried to enter the throne room, but they were stopped by one of the “knights” the imposter hired.

Fake or not, he’s doing a good job keeping the rabble at bay.  Can’t question the dude’s work ethic.

“Yeah, no matter how this goes down, I think he should get to keep his job.”

Bandit Knight A: Who the hell are you? They’re busy with an important ceremony. Don’t even think about bothering them.

“See!  He may be a bit brusque, but he knows how to do the job.  What I wouldn’t give to have a few of that guy on my staff.”

That’s what-

“Don’t work my side of the street.”

Dart: They are not decent knights…

The hell are you talking about?  He’s doing a fantastic job!

“Maybe he means they’r wearing skimpy clothing.  In which case I definitely need a few of those.”

Stryfe: I’ve seen better from Fruegel. And that’s saying something…

“That’s it!  Darkwraiths, wrangle me a ferret!”

Word of advice for authors.  If you want somebody to look like a lousy knight, you actually have to show them being a lousy knight.  All we know of this guy is that he’s doing a wonderful job and is being somewhat short with the party.  He was told not to let people in that might upset the ceremony and he’s doing just that!  Sure, he may be grumpy about it, but on a day full of celebration where you don’t get the day off AND have to deal with the extra stress of guarding a ceremony, you’d be a bit short with people who should know better than trying to bust into the middle of things.  Even if this dude is a bandit, all we know about him is that he is taking this task seriously, just as a real knight would.

Bandit Knight A: What!? Can’t you see our armor!? We are the authentic great knights of Tiberoa!

“Again, not an unreasonable reaction to being told that you’re a crappy knight from some random mercenaries who want into a secure location.  Though he should probably be calling for backup before these mercs get belligerent.”

Stryfe: Is Princess Emille in there?

Bandit Knight A: Don’t even think about going in there. It’s not a place for commoners like you. Cuz it’s the birthday of our princess!

We’re supposed to be rooting for Bandit Knight A, right?  Because it’s easily the most likable character in the fic thus far.

“Aside from maybe the king of Feltz.”

True. The man is one of the best hosts I’ve ever seen.

Just as one of the fake knights shoved Stryfe to the floor, Dart drew his sword.

“They’ve drawn weapons!  Call for backup, lock down the chamber, and get the princess to safety!”

Kind of a clumsy assassination attempt on the part of our character blob.  Didn’t even try to sneak in or plan an ambush or anything.

Bandit Knight B: Do you really think you can get away with making a scene like that!?

When you put it that way, it’s like it’s really stupid for them to try to force their way in like this.

Dart: It’s special today.

“Order two breaking and enterings and receive the murder of a monarch of choice at half price!”

Bandit Knight A: Are, are you gonna…make an enemy of all of Tiberoa!?

“Guy, I appreciate your initiative to try to handle this yourself, but it’s way past time to have called for backup.”

Stryfe: (Dart, bluffing isn’t gonna work with these guys.)

Uh, you drew weapons.  You stopped bluffing when you did that.

Shana: Can you send a message to Princess Lisa, then?

Bandit Knight A: She’s not here! And it’s the birthday of her sister! I guess she is keeping herself cooped up in her room!

“Once again, brusque but it isn’t his job to play messenger for some random people to send a message to the sister of his employer.  Especially not on the day when he’s guarding a coronation ceremony.”

Getting back onto his feet, Stryfe gave the fake knight who shoved him a death glare, promising secretly to return the favor kindly.

I seriously wonder how our author can be so completely delusional so as to think this is a worthwhile character. You pretty much have to be stupid.

“Oof, harsh, bro.”

It’s one of those benefits of featuring a plagiarization fic, you get to take shots at the author too because they’re basically a dirty thief who can’t even be bothered come up with their own words to describe an existing plot.

The group traveled through the outer areas of the castle, sneaking past the fake knights that the imposter Emille hired and eventually made it to Princess Lisa’s room on the Eastern Tower.

“See? Now that’s how you do an assassination.  Sneak in and kill your target.  Don’t bust down the front door!”

As they entered, Princess Lisa had a relieved look on her face when she saw Stryfe and the group enter her room.

I’d be relieved too.  Death would be a sweet, sweet release from the uninteresting purgatory of being in this fic.

Lisa: I have been waiting for you, everyone. Please, tell me the truth…

Stryfe: Your assumption was right, Lisa. The Princess Emille attending the ceremony is a fake.

“Shouldn’t they be killing her now?”

Yeah, not sure what they’re waiting for.  Hold on, maybe they’re supposed to be the heroes.  I think I kinda remember the narrative saying something about these miscreants being good.

“I don’t buy it.  Maybe they’re playing Lisa so she drops her guard and doesn’t put up a struggle.”

Seems as likely as anything.

Dart: A woman who is helping the bandits made the switch around the same time that the incident in the forest happened.

Albert: The star of Princess Lisa has shown the truth.

In that she used the most basic of deductive reasoning to figure out that her sister’s sudden personality change meant something was wrong.  Yeah, I’m sure she needed to really strain her precognitive powers for that one.

Lisa: I am relieved…It is impossible for my sister to have such an attitude. Now, do you know where my true sister is being held!?

“We have narrowed it down to ‘somewhere in the castle.’  Sound familiar to you?”

Albert: It seems she is confined somewhere within this castle.

You certainly called that one.

“Damn, I’m good.”

“Aww, I made myself sad.”

Lisa: Confined…somewhere in here?

“If it helps, it’s probably somewhere that isn’t in this room or the throne room.”

Haschel: It was the last words of a dying man…We can trust him.

That doesn’t really make those words any more helpful.

Stryfe: It all started when you two went on that horseback ride six months ago. By taking advantage of the confusion, the mysterious woman switched herself with Princess Emille and took over Tiberoa with the cooperation of the bandits…

Thank you for the pointless rehash of a situation that everyone already understands.  That certainly added a lot to this scene.

“Darkwraiths!  Where the hell is my ferret!?”

Albert: An amazing plot.

“It’s okay, no Orient Express but better than just knocking the real princess down.”

Rose: The finale was to be the Coming of Age ceremony when the Moon Dagger would be passed down…

Dart: We have to find Princess Emille or we won’t be able to stop their plan from succeeding!

The best way to make that happen is totally standing here talking to Lisa about it rather than hunting for the real princess.

Shana: Is it possible to use astrology to find Princess Emille!?

Lisa: Let me try.

“Probably not going to work.  Emille is a Sagittarius and they are notoriously hard to pin down.”

Princess Lisa took off her necklace and held it up. It temporarily gave off a bright glow before the light it gave off faded. As she put her necklace back on, Stryfe saw her shake her head in disappointment.

Lisa: All the stars are refusing to tell their story…as if a mist is covering the night sky.

Thank you for calling Plot Phone!  Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high caller volume we are experiencing significant delay in providing you with quality plot information.  If you would like to leave a call back number, we will return your call as quickly as we are able.  Otherwise, feel free to stay on the line to be connected to the next available agent.

Stryfe: Then we’ll just have to look the old fashioned way…

“In mah day we had ta hike twenny miles through three foot o’ snow inna drivin’ blizzard just ta find a plot point about sawdust!  An we were thankful!”

Dart: Turn over every nook and cranny in this castle until we find her.

“Or you could kidnap a few guards and extract the information from them.”

Might work, but information acquired via torture is untrustworthy.

“That’s why you capture more than one.  ‘Question’ a half-dozen then go with the consensus.”

Lisa: Let me come with you. If I’m with you, you may be able to avoid trouble.

If nothing else, it’s one more body to absorb the hail of arrows for you.

With Princess Lisa at their side, the group was able to bypass some of the “knights” that were patrolling the towers.

“Does astrology give you latent invisibility?”

Yes.  Yes it does.

However, they still had to sneak around some of the other guards around Princess Emille’s tower.

As opposed to the others, which they didn’t need to sneak past because… Lisa.

“Maybe she force choked them unconscious.”

You really need to stop hanging out with Crunchy.

As they made it to the top of the western tower where Princess Emille’s room was, the group saw that there were two guards watching the doorway to Emille’s room.

Hope she saved some of that force choke.

Bandit Knight C: If you want to talk to Princess Emille, go to the Chamber of the Sun!

“But we were just kicked out of there.”

Dude, ixnay on the icked out of there… kay.

Crossing his arms, Stryfe took a step to the side, revealing Princess Lisa among the group.

Unleash the force lightning on their asses!

WE really need to stop hanging out with Crunchy.”

Bandit Knight D: Oh, Pr, Princess Lisa…!? H-How are you feeling…?

Hopefully not like killing us with your brain, right?  Ha ha!  Right?  Please.

Lisa: I feel much better, thank you. I have to go into my sister’s room. May I come in?

Bandit Knight C: Err…Well…

Stryfe and the group gave the two bandit knights a glare. Stryfe could see the fear in their eyes as he continued to stare them down.

Which has less to do with Stanky than it does to being outnumbered four-to-one by a group that also has lil’ Palpatine leading them.

Shana: It’s pretty far down to the bottom of the tower…

But it’s pretty cushy down there in the misty whiteness.  Kinda like landing in a bowl full of marshmallows!

Rose: Screams won’t be heard down there…So why don’t you just step aside?

“Your shrill shrieks of delight will be muffled when you land in a six-foot-deep ravine of miniature dinosaur marshmallows.”

Dude, we need one of those in the Library.

“I’ll see if Eliza has a spare hour or two this weekend to get it installed.”

Stryfe: Or we can do this the hard way. Your choice, fellas.

Quick!  Now is your opportunity to flee out of the fic!

“Run, boys, RUN!”

Bandit Knight C: D-Dammit all!

Bandit Knight D: Run for it!

Yes! Don’t look back and don’t stop until you can see actual scenery!

As the two Bandit Knights ran past the group, Stryfe let out a slight grin as they disappeared heading down the steps.

The ONLY redeeming part of this scene is that Stanky didn’t smirk here.  Though, for once, it would have been an appropriate moment for this dickbag to indulge in a self-satisfied smirk.

Heading into Princess Emille’s room,
the group found the place ransacked and almost untouched, as if the occupant had only touched a few things in the room for six months.

Yes, that is how it’s formatted.

“Wait, those are two diametrically opposed things!  Tell me truthfully, author, you pulled those at random from your high school English book in hopes to look smart, right?”

In any event, we’re going to break there for the week as that’s the halfway point and it’s as good a place as any.

“Wow, that was brisk!  Imagine what I could do with all this sudden free time!”


“Damn straight.”


23 Comments on “1241: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-One Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Twin Castle Mayhem

    Well, I know what I’m naming my power-metal band…

  2. As the group raced towards the Twin Castle, they hurried through the outer and inner city, crossing the stairs leading to the castle.

    Funny how, with all the “celebration” going on, the streets if the city are still empty enough to run through…

  3. GhostCat says:

    You certainly called that one.

    “Damn, I’m good.”

    “Aww, I made myself sad.”

    :pats Swenia on the back:

    There, there; it happens to all of us.

  4. GhostCat says:

    “Your shrill shrieks of delight will be muffled when you land in a six-foot-deep ravine of miniature dinosaur marshmallows.”

    Dude, we need one of those in the Library.

    “I’ll see if Eliza has a spare hour or two this weekend to get it installed.”


    :ninja appears:

    Alert the clan, you’ve got a job to do this weekend.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Getting back onto his feet, Stryfe gave the fake knight who shoved him a death glare, promising secretly to return the favor kindly.

    He secretly promised to give him a kind shove?

  6. SC says:

    Stanky and Co.

    *Specs and Co. peek in*

    Not you assholes.

    *Specs and Co. lean back out*

  7. SC says:

    I seriously wonder how our author can be so completely delusional so as to think this is a worthwhile character. You pretty much have to be stupid.

    I’m not saying it, but you all know who I’m thinking of.

    (It’s Tai, of course!)

  8. SC says:

    It’s one of those benefits of featuring a plagiarization fic, you get to take shots at the author too because they’re basically a dirty thief who can’t even be bothered come up with their own words to describe an existing plot.

    And oh, have I ever been relishing this benefit.

  9. SC says:


    Rose: Have I been in this fic the entire fucking time?!

    Well, no, not you specifically, but A Rose has been.

  10. Tie Dye Mage says:

    “Order two breaking and enterings and receive the murder of a monarch of choice at half price!”

    Really? What are the going rates for extortion, blasphemy, and tax evasion?

    • Syl says:

      Depends; if you contract with a member of the Thieves’ Guild then there’s a rate schedule based on the risk involved and amount taken, but freelancers have the freedom to set their own rates.

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