1239: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter One

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
URL:
Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle and Koori

Koori:  *poofs into the riffing chamber with a pot of tea and mugs* I found a fic for us this week!

Oh, fantastic!  What did you get?

Koori: *sets down the tea and pulls up the fic on the computer*  This!  It’s a “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” fic from 2005.

*scans the first chapter*  Looks promising.  Okay, let’s do it!

Koori: I’ll start us with the summary.

This story is one about a young girl who finds that once you find a true home and a good title, your life can be rather nice to you. I could not have written such a story without the support of Katie, Hannah, and Gates.

So, if you don’t have a title, you’re boned.

Koori: I suppose so.  I wonder who Katie, Hannah, and Gates are.

Probably the author’s besties or beta readers.

Chapter 1: My Story

As opposed to…?

The snow blew through the night air and whistled loudly as I walked down the deserted street. It began to snow even harder, so I could hardly see ten feet away. Nobody would dare drive in this weather, and no one did. Sure there were street lights, but that would not do me any good now. I was on my way towards the small canopy-covered corner of street alley in which I resided, so I could get a good night’s sleep. (Or try to, anyway.)

*turns eyes slowly to Koori*  First person.  You got a first person fic.

Koori:  *smiles smugly over the top of her mug*  You have to admit that I did very well in my choice.  First person narrative, parenthetical aside, casual writing  style.  This will be full of horribleness.

*rubs temples*  As much as I hate first person, you’ve got a point.  There’s a lot wrong with that first paragraph.  Let’s break it down a little.

The snow blew through the night air and whistled loudly as I walked down the deserted street.

I have an intern who specializes in frozen water jutsu.  Tell me, Koori, does snow whistle?

Koori:  It most certainly does not.

It began to snow even harder, so I could hardly see ten feet away. Nobody would dare drive in this weather, and no one did. Sure there were street lights, but that would not do me any good now.

Ten feet is still a decent distance to see through.  Now, not being able to see your hand in front of your face?  That’s sight obscuring.

Koori:  I’m curious how street lights won’t help [person] find their way through the snow.  Even when it snows very heavily, street lights can be seen.

Unless you’re shining the street light directly at the snow, causing the light to reflect back at you.  The thing about frozen water, it’s very reflective.

I was on my way towards the small canopy-covered corner of street alley in which I resided, so I could get a good night’s sleep. (Or try to, anyway.)

Wait, does he/she/it reside in the alley or in the canopy-covered corner?

A shopkeeper that I knew would put milk and water out on the back step for me to have, and then return once I was done.

So, is our protagonist a cat, then?  It wouldn’t make sense of a shopkeeper to leave just milk and water out for a person.  If they were feeling generous to the homeless, you’d think they’d leave bread and water, or even some cold sausage.  You know, people food.

Koori:  Also, it is cold enough to freeze the rain into snow.  That water and milk will be a solid block of ice.  That’s a terrible thing to do to a homeless person, or a cat.

The only thing I really owned was a small box that I had found, and in it I kept my belongings. A few quarters and a dime were carefully held in confinement, it was the only money I had.

Sleeps in a box in a back alley and survives on water and milk from a nearby shopkeeper.  Yup, Protagonist is a cat.

Koori:  That’s new.

Included in the box was one chocolate. Just one, since it had a fancy ‘W’ printed in the top.

That’s an odd thing for a cat to keep.

Koori:  Maybe it has a shiny wrapper?

A while back, I was standing on a step in the middle of the day. A man passed by, but then, he passed by again! How could this be? This time he stopped, handed me a fragile box wrapped in purple, and a perfect gold bow tied upon the top. He didn’t speak; he just handed it to me and walked away.

Koori:  I’m starting to suspect that Protagonist isn’t a cat at all.

Nope, still a cat.  We’ve been given no description of it in the slightest.  We have no gender, no species, no clothing.  All we have is the knoweldge that it sleeps in a box in an alley and is given milk by a shopkeeper.  Cat.

Koori: But-

CAT.

I opened it, and it was a box of chocolates. The very center one, however, had that strange ‘W’ that I never learned to understand.

Because cats can’t read!  See, I’m right.

Koori:  *sips her tea*  Uh-huh.

I kept it with me, since it was the only time anyone ever gave me anything.

Except for, you know, that shopkeeper that gives you water and milk.  He doesn’t count though because we’re supposed to feel bad for this kitty.

“Ouch!” I yelled as I ran into a metal gate.

The heck just happened?

Koori:  She ran into a gate.

…Yes, thank you.

Inside, I saw a huge mansion-like building in which I had known about for some time. It was known to house an old, senile man who had nothing better to do than make candy. Since I lived on the streets, I heard a lot more, but it was complete nonsense. Why would an old man want to make candy anyway? If I was old, that’s the last thing I would think about.

It’s called a factory, kitty.

Koori:  How does living on the street have anything to do with how much information you can gather?

Cats hear things all the time.  Best spies ever, cats.

Koori:  I really don’t  think it’s a cat.

Too late.  The lack of description of our protagonist has led me to permanently envision it as a cat.  It doesn’t matter what we’re told from here on out.  It’s a cat.

I needed shelter, and I needed it fast. The temperature was still dropping, and the visibility still poor. I did my best not to wander off the long path, so I could get up to the door without having to hike to it.

How did he/she/it get through the gate?

Koori:  Maybe it really is a cat?

Ha!  I told you so.

That aside, how would straying from the path mean having to hike?  The approach to Wonka’s front door is flat, and paved.  So the path would be no different than what borders the path.

“Wow, what a big place!” I said in disbelief, “it looks so much smaller from the street!” I stared at the huge door with a big engraved ‘W’ standing out from the rest. I pushed, hoping for the door to give way and open for me. And to my surprise, it did!

Koori:  That is poor security, and very coincidental that it would not only be unlocked, but not latched.  Kitty only had to push it open to get inside instead of having to yowl at the doorstep until let in.

So you’re on board with it being a cat now, huh?

Koori:  You were very convincing.

Awesome.  Welp, that’s it for this week.  You get brownie points for finding a short one, Intern.

Koori:  Yay!

Join us next week as we may or may not find out the gender of our kitty!

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39 Comments on “1239: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
    Genre: Romance

    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

  2. GhostCat says:

    A man passed by, but then, he passed by again! How could this be?

    Someone walked past the same spot twice?!? ‘TIS WITCHCRAFT!

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    A man passed by, but then, he passed by again! How could this be?

    A man went to the store… then went back home? How can this be?!

  4. GhostCat says:

    I opened it, and it was a box of chocolates.

    Such is life.

    The very center one, however, had that strange ‘W’ that I never learned to understand.

    … It’s a “W”, you said so yourself. What part of that is difficult to understand?

  5. GhostCat says:

    It was known to house an old, senile man who had nothing better to do than make candy.

    Miss Kitty makes it sound like Willy Wonka’s global candy empire is nothing but a weird hobby he just randomly picked up in his old age, like fly-tying or stamp collecting.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    I stared at the huge door with a big engraved ‘W’ standing out from the rest.

    Standing out from the rest of what? Other doors? Other ‘W’s??

  7. GhostCat says:

    Why would an old man want to make candy anyway? If I was old, that’s the last thing I would think about.

    Last time I checked, candy doesn’t have an age limit.

    I’m wondering how young this author is, given all these odd ideas she has about older people.

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      BOOM!

      Damn it Goddess, you overloaded the Smirk Alarm again!

      • "Lyle" says:

        Technically, while synonymous, they’re not the same. A smirk implies a certain amount of derision and/or condescension, whereas Koori’s smug smile is more of a self-satisfied expression without the overtones of “fuck you” a smirk usually implies.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        That’s true. Sadly, if you were ask me to tell the difference in real life, you’d be out of luck.

  8. SC says:

    “Everybody Likes Chocolate” – except for my grandfather, who will waste no opportunity to tell you loudly and annoyingly that he finds chocolate disgusting and thinks it looks like liquid shit. Even after he’s already said it like twenty times before. Because you obviously need to be reminded, since you still like chocolate and he doesn’t think that’s cool.

  9. SC says:

    Tell me, Koori, does snow whistle?

    Koori: It most certainly does not.

    Contacts: Well, unless you take a snowball and carve a bunch of holes in it, and remove basically all structural integrity, thereby turning it into a snow whiffle ball-

    Contacts.

    Contacts: Huh?

    Shut up.

  10. SC says:

    Koori: Also, it is cold enough to freeze the rain into snow. That water and milk will be a solid block of ice. That’s a terrible thing to do to a homeless person, or a cat.

    Great for keeping your milk refrigerated, though.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    This story is one about a young girl who finds that once you find a true home and a good title, your life can be rather nice to you.

    Wow, that sounds… thrilling.

    • SC says:

      Sounds like Shades’ backstory, to be quite honest.

      Shades: Right up until the part where a mutant punched right through my sternum and killed me, right?

      You betcha.


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