1220: The Hammer Effect – Chapters 28 & 29

Title: Hammer Effect
Author: Kamzil118
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)/ Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL:  Chapter 28 & 29
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

Ert: Oh good fuck. *Dry heaves* I hate this story

Goeth: Rape trigger three for three?

Ert: No…but he does write a sex scene. A horrible horrible sex scene.

Goeth: Ah yes. The exchanging of fluids that’s so important for some reason.

Nora: *Sigh*. This story is just trying as hard as it can to fail on every level.

Culture

Ert: We would like information on culture. Author, you can talk about culture when you actually understand anything about it. I don’t care if it’s just the dictionary definition, know SOMETHING!

The Citadel/Embassy

Farseer Lofn entered her room to see General Siegfried turning around to see her.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you.” Stated Siegfried.

“For what reason?”

“Oh, just so I could call you a hybrid.” Lofn stared coldly at the general for a moment before regaining her composure.

Ert:…Is Lt. Stu fucking twelve years old? No really, he constantly acts like he’s twelve. He storms out of arguments the second things stop going his way, he heckles people by resorting to name calling (Highly unoriginal name calling at that) and he commonly resorts to childish actions to annoy people, like leaving mud on the Citadel floors.

“I have discovered where this Saren is.”

Nora: This Saren? Tell me Ert, do you know where this Goeth is?

“Do you?”

“Yes, I found out that he was paying this mercenary to send his guns for hire against you. After a confrontation, I interrogated him and found out that Saren is on a planet called Virmire.”

Nora: Because Saren is super smart and lets all of his rank and file henchmen know where he is. If I were in their position, I’d be suspicious that Saren had given them all bad information and was trying to send them on a wild goose chase.

“I will have to ask the council of where this planet is, but right now I need a break. A temporary break.”

Ert: We weren’t expecting a permanent break author. We were praying for one, but we weren’t expecting one.

“What happened?”

“I was buried beneath a bunker complex. I survived because I still had some space and my oxygen mask.”

Goeth: Apparently his gas mask doubles as an oxygen mask. The author knows those are different things right?

“I am content that you didn’t die. If you did, I would have to deal with some other general who would not listen to me.”

Nora: I really hope the author isn’t expecting us to see these two as having a deep relationship, because what they have is nothing short of pathetic.

“Well there is always my brother-in-law.”

“You prove a good point.” Soon Cadian guardsman entered the room and saluted the general.

Ert: And what was the point exactly? That every single character in this story is a twat? Because that’s something that’s been established for a long time, it doesn’t need to be proven.

“Sir, there is a member of the Citadel Council waiting for you in the lobby. I came to find you and bring this issue to bear.”

Nora: I could’ve stopped after I told you the Councilor was waiting but this is the only time I’ll ever be in this story and I get paid by the word so pardon me as I grad this scene out a little more so that my paycheck is a little bigger *Gets dragged off* I WANT TO TALK TO MY AGENT!

“Return to your post, I will down there in a minute.”

“Yes sir.”

Nora: THAT COUNTS!

. . .

Spectre Vasir was sitting on a bench with her back to the wall as she noticed the strange Human and Eldar aesthetics that were placed on the walls, ceilings, and doors. There was an occasional picture of the Emperor at some point while she looked around to see guardsmen standing at attention near the doors. She turned her head to the left to see a counter with an Imperial Guard officer typing into whatever technology the humans had.

Goeth: Typing into technology? I see. Pardon me, I need to go find my technology which I think I left on top of the technology at the technology store. (Translation: I need to go find my phone which I think I left on top of the TV at the electronics store)

Nora: And why are there Eldar aesthetics in the human embassy?

The spectre also took notice of their laser weaponry that was with them, whether they be carrying it or have it holstered to the side. ‘If only we could get our hands on that without a confrontation.’ She thought to herself. Then she saw a door open with General Siegfried walking towards her along with Farseer Lofn.

Ert: You’re telling me with the massive battle on the Citadel not a single las rifle could be salvaged? Oh right, even though the Imperial Guard are supposed to be horrifically outmatched and win battles through clever tactics by the skin of their teeth, in this story they massacre absolutely everyone.

She quickly stood up and walked towards the two.

“You wanted my attention?” Asked the general.

“I am Spectre Vasir of the Citadel Council. The council invites you to a cultural party in hopes of understanding human culture.”

“Such as…”

“You do have some culture… right?”

Ert:…Shut the fuck up. Every major civilization where there’s individuality has culture. Culture is defined as a WAY OF LIFE! Unless a society is a hive mind and every person involved is a mindless drone, they have culture The Imperium has a very unhealthy culture since its based entirely around fighting wars non-stop, but that is a culture!

“Does a bunch of fancy headed religious people walking into the room saying the litanies of hate towards heretics, mutants, and aliens count.”

Ert: YES! You stupid twat! I get that the author wants every word coming out of your mouth to be “clever” but he doesn’t really know how to write clever dialogue.

Goeth: Also weak jab at the stupid hats the Priests in the Imperium make. For someone who loves The Emperor’s Text to Speech device so much your jokes are a lot weaker than the ones there. The head priest’s hat actually mimicked the behavior of a penis there.

Nora: Went through a roof at one point.

“Well, I didn’t know that you would have such things in your culture.”

Nora: I’m kind of stupid like that.

“Don’t worry, when I was returning to the embassy I was informed by a sanctioned psyker that the Emperor abolished the hate against aliens and mutants. So do not fret.” The Spectre was rather surprised at the fact that the Emperor was the one that said that.

Nora: The Emperor abolished hate and yet I still act like a twat towards aliens. Also, the Emperor abolished FEELING AN EMOTION!

“In three hours, the cultural party will soon start. The council hopes that you and the farseer come to join them and the other cultures.”

Ert: Oh, ok, culture is now a thing you can walk up to and shake hands with.

“If that is the case, go to this one Catachan grocery store and get bottles of Amasec. You can’t have an Imperial Guardsmen go to a party with that drink.”

Goeth: Considering that Catachan culture revolves entirely around not dying, I don’t really see one opening a grocery store. Especially on the Citadel. It feels like the author trying to drop as many 40k terms as he can.

“I will see what I can do.” Soon the Asari Spectre turned away and left the embassy for the two to speak.

Nora: Well I was pointless, later!

“What about you?” Asked the general.

“What about me?”

“Are you coming?”

“I am a Farseer, I do not need to spend my time with a mon-keigh.” Siegfried frowned.

Ert: Quick, now you need to call me a hybrid! This is the only way we know how to interact!

Nora: The author kicked out that other Eldar at the start “because she was a slut” for this?

“You have all time in the galaxy. Besides, even the Eldar have to have a break.”

“We do not need one, it is because we are always restrict ourselves from such excess.” Then a voice from the ceiling spoke.

Goeth: Yes. That is true. Because if they don’t their souls get eaten by She Who Thirsts.

“Try it.” The two looked up to see a Vindicare assassin holding onto a chandelier before releasing his grip. The assassin landed on the ground with his feet smashing the flooring before one of the guardsmen there rolled his eyes.

“We just refurbished that area.” He whispered to himself.

Ert: LAUGH! IT’S FUCKING FUNNY!

Goeth: I think he would’ve broken his legs if he landed with that much force.

The Vindicare assassin stepped forward to his daughter.

“Lofn, you have been working too hard. I suggest you take a break.”

Ert: WORKING HARD!? The hell has she been doing?

“Father, I do not want to stoop so low with these creatures.” Replied Lofn. The father chuckled.

“Then tell me why your mother stooped so low when we met.” Lofn was surprised by the response of the father as she stood there speechless.

Nora: Yeah Lofn being racist is something that just makes no sense. Her FATHER was a human for god’s sake!

“Don’t worry, I have bought a dress for you.” Then he turned his attention towards the Krieg general. “As for you, I suggest you do not wear that gas mask unless you want to have an awkward party with those… xenos.”

Ert: I just assumed you’d be going with me so I bought it.

“Why are you suggesting to me?” Asked Siegfried.

“I thought it would be interesting to see the Oddball of Krieg show his identity to those at the party. After all, people would be wondering how you will drink under that mask of yours.” The Vindicare turned his attention back towards his daughter. “Have fun.” The assassin turned around and walked out of the lobby as General Siegfried was scratching his helmet.

Nora: The author’s mask fetish is showing up again.

“Your father is somewhat strange.” Lofn glared at him with her stare.

“Says the Oddball of Krieg who thought that kissing a cannoness was a good idea or publicly saying to an ecclesiarch that you do not believe the Emperor as a god.”

Ert: She’s got your there dumbass.

“Well it is true.”

“You must be crazy.”

“That’s not what I would consider crazy. What I consider crazy is driving across the system of Kaurava with ten of the hundred Baneblades I took from him.”

Ert: He did not just fucking suggest that he drove across a star system in a TANK! And yet again further evidence that Lt. Stu is emotionally twelve years old.

(Gary Stu Counter: 42)

The Party

In the party, there was plenty of xenos that were there. The Volus were speaking about their business profits in the corners, the Turians would be speaking about the public and how much good they were doing if they had the funds, the Asari were speaking about gaining the understanding of the humans and the Eldar.

Goeth: It really does seem like the author isn’t interested in giving more than a shallow stereotype of the races in Mass Effect. In 40k too for that matter.

Soon the doors were opened, making all the aliens stop in their tracks as they turned their heads to see a human wearing a grey uniform with a sash coming from his left shoulder towards his lower right torso. On the edges of his uniform there was some golden color making the aliens bewildered by his uniform. His black boots squeaked the floor. The man’s head covered in short brown hair. Behind him was General Cromwell.

Ert: In a busy party I don’t really think doors opening would gain the attention of anyone other than those who were standing right next to them.

“Well Siegfried, I guess these creatures have never seen you without your gas mask on.”

“I feel naked.” Stated Siegfried.

Goeth: In reality most people wouldn’t really care, but because it’s a Gary Stu, he must be the center of attention.

(Gary Stu Counter: 43)

“Don’t worry, I think the xenos will not care much about you.”

“True, but then again you have a mustache that would gain a Necron’s attention.”

“Is that an insult or a complement?”

“Both.”

Nora: False. It’s neither. It’s complete and utter gibberish. Most of the story is like that.

“Let’s not keep our junior officers waiting for their Amasec.” The two generals walked into the room together before they were met by Councilor Sparatus.

“Well, I must say. I thought that you wouldn’t have come to this party, especially since Saren is still on the loose.” Commented Sparatus.

Ert: Well I tried doing something but it didn’t work right away so I got bored.

“After being buried under a bunker complex, I could use a break.” Stated Siegfried. “It was not an enjoying experience to be in when you happen to wait for five hours.”

Nora: Oh he loves to talk about how tough the Korps are, but the second something hard happens he switches to talking about how hard he has it and needs to rest.

“Forgive me of asking about this, but why do you wear your masks for such a long time. Wouldn’t you be uncomfortable?”

“The origins of the Death Korps of Krieg started on a death world full of radiation. To us, the mask is our own personal locker of our thoughts. However, I am part of a different case.”

Ert: Because I need to be special.

(Gary Stu Counter: 44)

“Such as.”

“I’m in command of a regiment that hails from Krieg, but my origins start from a planet called Terranis.”

Ert: If you didn’t directly come from Krieg, you shouldn’t be in the Death Korps.

“What is so special about it?”

“Let’s just say that we are an extension of our Krieger cousins. Unlike Krieg, the gas mask has a personality on Terranis.”

Goeth: HA! His mask has a personality. Look, I just taught it how to love.

Lt. Stu’s Mask: I love screams of agony.

Goeth: You make me proud.

“Interesting.” Stated Councilor Tevos as she came over to see the general. “Please continue, your story has gathered my attention.”

Nora: Because you are Stu and everything that comes out of your mouth makes me want to suck your dick.

“On Terranis, you will find that any Krieg soldier there has a second mask with them. If you want the cultural part to that, it’s considered a second heart.”

“Really?”

“Yes, when the second gas mask is given to another… well.”

“Well what?” Asked Sparatus. “I’m already interested.”

“It’s the Terranis way of proposing a marriage.” The Asari and the Turian Councilor were surprised.

Ert: I feel like this is supposed to be something to humanize Lt. Stu and the Death Korps, but when a soulless prick has been asking like a soulless prick the entire story, some stuff they did “other there” doesn’t really sell me on them not being a soulless prick.

“Have you given your mask away?”

“No, I lost it on some Tau planet along the way.”

Goeth: You’d think that’d be a massive disgrace, but Lt. Stu did it so no worries.

“Could you tell me more about your planet, you know. Terranis.”

“Krieg is a deathworld, so is Terranis.

Nora: No one asked about Krieg Lt. Stu.

However, it is constantly under threat by the forces of Chaos, orks, and Tyranids. Warp travel to that planet is very rare due to the warpstorm surrounding the planet. Not only that, but there is only one settlement on that planet.”

Ert: Sounds very much like a “Blow it up from orbit and forget about it” situation. And how is this fighting still going on? Tyranids need to eat to keep going so they’d either overwhelm the enemy or starve to death. They don’t really engage in prolonged battles on one planet.

“By the spirits, how is such a thing possible? From what we have heard, a settlement couldn’t have held on for so long without help.”

“Well it didn’t have any, but I can tell you that the place is heavily fortified and that every single place amongst the settlement has some importance to its defense.”

Nora: That’s…not really unique in 40k. Hell, Fortress Worlds are planets that are basically one giant military base. A single fortified settlement is pretty quaint by comparison.

“I would like to know an example.”

“A restaurant with a working artillery cannon on the roof.” Sparatus and Tevos were shocked.

Ert: *Sigh* the author is really fucking proud of that one isn’t he?

“How do people live like that?” Tevos wondered.

“Unlike me, the real Kriegers are stubborn, but we both have an attitude of holding the line at any cost.”

Goeth: Once again, Lt. Stu dodges the question. The attitude of holding the line doesn’t explain how they live like that.  At least he admits he isn’t a real Death Korpsman though.

Soon the general remembered the life behind the walls of that settlement. Children were playing in the parks while the artillery cannons fired their rounds on the invading Tyranid swarms.

Nora: Yeah right. Let’s be honest, on this planet every last child was conscripted.

Gunfire was considered part of the daily lives of those living on Terranis. He remembered how his father would constantly return from work with his lasgun at the ready.

Ert: Even though there’s a constant invasion I still work a 9-5 shift. And I’m not dead! Also I turn to Chaos for some reason. And Lt. Stu Remembers me even though he was a year old when I died.

“Who is this?” Asked Tevos. Siegfried got out of his memory and noticed that everyone, including the aliens were staring at someone and the general knew that it wasn’t him.

Goeth: Right, I forgot to move that memory.

Ert: What? People paying attention? TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME!

Siegfried turned around to see a woman walking into the room with a golden Imperial dress that was fit for the daughter of a planetary governor’s daughter.

Nora: UGGGGGGGGGH! This hurts already! Should we start playing Disney music?

He saw the dark black hair of the Eldar as she began to step forward in a slow manner. Her protruding ears had surprised few of the Asari members that were there. Unlike the humans, she was slightly taller than the humans, but not by much.

Ert: We’re seriously focusing on her ears existing? Ears aren’t exactly something groundbreaking.

Siegfried saw the sharp blue eyes when she looked around. She broke into the sea of aliens as she gained nothing, but silent stares. She arrived near the general as Sparatus took notice of the Eldar.

“Who are you?” Wondered Sparatus.

Goeth: Haven’t they met? Like multiple times? She was the freaking Eldar ambassador.

“It is I, Farseer Lofn.” She stated while Siegfried was surprised by her beauty.

‘Don’t think, she’s a farseer and she will know your thoughts.’ He said to himself in his own mind. Then Lofn turned her head towards him.

“I heard that general.” Sparatus and Tevos were confused at to what she was talking about.

Nora: Well that was pointless.

“What did you hear?” Asked Tevos. “I didn’t hear anything.”

“Oh, forgive me. I was hearing General Siegfried’s thoughts with my mind.”

“Interesting. I want to prove that you could read mind.”

Ert: Oh for god’s sake. The Council doesn’t demand proof of every last little thing. Especially things that they should’ve known about. And yes, he wanted Lofn to prove it, the rest of the story clearly shows it, the author just can’t write.

“You do not believe, well it seems that I must enlighten you.” Stated Lofn. “Think about a memory for a moment and I will speak it out.” Councilor Sparatus snorted when he heard the words, mind reading.

“My thoughts have been waiting for you to respond?” She said.

“At the age of two hundred and sixteen, you were a former member of a musical group before you decided to take the initiative to leave.” This gave Sparatus an odd look at the Asari Councilor. At the same time, Tevos smiled.

Nora: In a more interesting story this would’ve been a good place to jump off of and help develop Tevos’ character, but here it’s just to show off that Lofn can read minds. Something that’s been common knowledge for some time now.

“You were part of a musical group?” Asked the Turian.

“Yes, I was. This was because I was still trying to find a lifestyle for myself at the time. My mother didn’t seem to like the fact that I left the music.”

“She could have looked it up on the extranet.” Speculated Sparatus.

Goeth: She could have looked up what on the Extranet? I haven’t put my resume up yet.

“I doubt it, I left that piece of history out of my resume when I decided to aspire as the councilor of the Asari Republic.” Soon a salarian decided to activate a piece of music, only to result in having dubstep playing. Suddenly, Siegfried showed irritation when his ears heard that music. “What is wrong?”

Ert: Dubstep? As much as the author loves to go for the low hanging fruit, I have to point something kind of obvious out. Dubstep is a HUMAN music. Not alien! The author just crams whatever he wants in this story.

“Please, tell it to stop playing.” Requested Siegfried. Soon the general looked around to see that the other Imperial officers and General Cromwell were surprised by this choice of music. When the Krieg general had witnessed Tevos order the Salarian to stop, he felt much relieved by the silence.

“What was wrong?” She asked.

“Whatever you call music, gave me a bad memory of a group of chaos warriors that me and my men once fought.”

Nora: Dubstep makes him think of the servants of the Ruinous Powers. Ok…how the hell is he going to make this work?

“Chaos warriors? Please tell us why this would remind you of them.” Asked Sparatus.

“The chaos warriors had these group of warriors known as noise marines. They had this sonic weapon that gives this deafening sound while providing some sort of explosive attack.”

“We councilors are sorry that we did not know that you had… such an enemy that used music to fight you.”

Goeth: Noise Marines don’t use music to fight. Just a loud screech

Ert: Author: “Because that’s what dubstep is! HUR HUR HUR I know how to make unoriginal jokes!”

“It is rather fine, if you want music I believe I could provide you some music with some of our own.”

Ert: Right, please show us how the war mongers have good music. If they’re not hymns the Imperium wouldn’t have much.

“Oh, please do.” Requested Tevos. “We would love to hear such music.” Soon the crowd of people saw a squad of Kriegsman with gas masks enter the room while carrying a piano into the room. Soon the aliens watched the Krieg general take his seat while the Kriegers stood near the doorway.

Goeth: I guess the Death Korps just have pianos on stand by. They mix it in with their shovels and bayonets.

Siegfried pulled out a piece of paper, placed it in front of him before he sighed. Then he began to play the piano until he reached the end of the song. Well, the short version at least. Little did the aliens know that the Kriegers were crying behind their masks while Siegfried kept his composure together. When he was done, he stopped and returned the paper back into his uniform while he gave a slight nod to those at the door.

Ert: FEEL EMOTION! HE PLAY SONG i NO DESCRIBE! BUT IT MAKED PEOPLES CRYED! SO FEELDEDED EMOTIONS!

“What was that song, it was beautiful?” Asked Tevos. To Farseer Lofn she was interested as well.

“It’s called Regentropfen. It is a song that us Kriegers keep within us.”

Ert:…HERR! I NEED YOU ON THIS ONE!

“What made it so special?”

“It was the only song that survived the nuclear bombings of Krieg.” Siegfried said in a monotone voice. Soon there was a bucket of ice alongside the bottles of Amasec that were there. He took a bottle and began to leave the room while he walked back towards the Centaur transport that brought him there.

Nora: Well I played a song, later fuckers.

. . .

Siegfried sat all alone as he stared down at his own reflection from the bottle’s casing. Suddenly he heard someone take a step into the Centaur and sat next to him. He looked to his left to see Lofn sitting next to him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Just thinking about what would happen if Krieg wasn’t a hellscape.” He replied. “Though, I did leave an impression on the aliens.” He said with a smile.

Ert: Oh I’m sorry are you trying to have a character that doesn’t have to do with being a badass/ a twat? Yeah…too little too late.

“Yes you did. Still, I want to see if you are still fine after thirty minutes of waiting in whatever you humans call this thing.”

“I thank you for your concern.”

“Funny, the Oddball and the hybrid sitting together after the amount of insults we throw at each other. You mostly.”

“Why don’t we end this with a bottle of Amasec?” Wondered Siegfried.

“Well, here is the thing. I don’t know what it tastes like, you know. Wine.” Siegfried smiled at her.

“That makes two of us.” The general placed the bottle in a container as he took the wheel.

“What are you doing?”

“If we end up drunk, I don’t want to do it in this thing. It won’t end well.”

“Then let’s head to the Vraks, I doubt that your regiment and your crew are there when there is a party going on.” Soon the Centaur sprang to life as the two drove away from the party.

Author’s Note: Wow, I am happy I reached this far with the pages. It has been a long while since I made a chapter this long. Well, see you guys later. Also, the Regentropfen is from a 1d4chan story called Love and Krieg.

Nora: We get it man, you just can’t stop deepthroating 1d4chan for half a second.

A Good Night

The Vraks

General Siegfried opened his eyes to see the dark lit room while he sat up.

Ert: The dark lit room huh? Is it cleanly dirty too?

Then he rubbed his temples before heading to his wardrobe to see that there was a clean uniform at the ready. He his door being knocked on. Then the general walked towards the door to see a space marine standing.

“General Siegfried?” He asked. Then he looked up to see that it was Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis standing in front of him. Siegfried looked down to see that he was in his black trousers. Relieved that he was wearing something he looked up at the Dark Angel.

Nora: Things must be getting really boring in this part of space if a Dark Angel is playing messenger.

“Yes, Interrogator-Chaplain.”

“Do you feel well?”

“After drinking a bit too much, I doubt that I will do that ever again.” Soon the two heard a feminine moan in Siegfried’s bed.

Ert: Did he even drink anything? Or does the author think it’s ok to skip over entire scenes so long as he mentions that they happened.

“Who is that?” Lofn’s voice could be heard.

“Siegfried?” The general looked to see the Eldar get out of the bed before he returned his attention towards the menacing eyes of the chaplain.

“Frak.” Those were the only words of the Krieg general.

Nine Hours Ago

Ert: Oh, ok. Showing things outside of chronological order because then you can have “comedy.” Also that’s who you properly use quotations author.

Farseer Lofn was pulling the cork off of the bottle while Siegfried brought out two small glasses as the cork flew off the bottle before the foam began to fly out. There was a table with two chairs while Siegfried sat down and began to wait for the Farseer pour a small amount of wine into the glass. When she was done, she sat down across from him as they took hold of their drinks.

“Well, let’s see how we can handle it.” Stated the Farseer. General Siegfried smiled.

Nora: You know, this is pretty unprofessional for a proper general. Not drinking, but getting totally shitfaced. Also you think Lofn would be able to handle alcohol a lot better what with her being an Eldar. To her wouldn’t the finest Human wine taste like cheap moonshine?

“Let’s try at the same time.” Soon the two took hold of their wine glasses while they took a small glance at each other. “I hope we get Saren.”

Ert: Right, he exists in this story. I keep forgetting because his impact on the plot is nonexistent. In fact did him uniting the Krogan tribes even turn out to be true? Or did you just launch an invasion of Tuchanka for no reason?

“Let’s not think about it right now.” Replied the Farseer. Soon the two began to drink down their wine as it entered their throats.

Goeth: Yes…usually how drinking works. Enema drinking has really caught on yet.

Surprised by the taste, Lofn began to cough for a moment. “I did not expect it to taste like that.” She looked at general Siegfried to see him unaffected by the drink. “What do you think about it?”

Nora: It seems people don’t expect anything, because “I did not expect” is becoming just as common as “I would like” in this story.

“Well, I guess it’s alright.”

“Let’s try a few more rounds.”

Ert: We’re alcoholics all of a sudden.

. . .

After a ‘few’ more rounds, the two were not exactly in their right minds. “The wine tastes like grape juice.”

Goeth: Anyone want to tell the idiots what wine is?

Stated Lofn. As for Siegfried, he was doing his best to keep his body in control. “Let’s have some fun.” Lofn took hold of Siegfried and began to pecker him on the lips.

“You’re drunk.”

“I know, but I can have some fun as well.” Siegfried didn’t want to get himself into a possible mess that had consequences for himself. “I love you.”

Nora: No you don’t. Whoever is talking, no you don’t. Name one lovable trait about the prick you’re talking to.

Soon she began to take hold of him as she assaulted him in an oddly manner. She leaned forward and caused his chair to tip over. They fell onto the ground while Lofn chuckled. “Well that was fun.”

Ert: Would’ve been more fun if you were next to a cliff.

Siegfried quickly got up and helped Lofn with a hand.

“You certainly need help.” Then she forced Siegfried onto his bed Lofn was on top of him.

“I am going to have some time with you. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” Then she placed her hand on the area where his abs were.

Nora: The area where his abs were. Fingers crossed that it was far away from the rest of his body.

“I have waiting to have a good feel of that.”

Ert: Bwha?

The Farseer looked down to see his trousers and began to slide them off. To the general, it was the most uncomfortable thing, second to taking off his mask.

Ert: Will you shut the fuck up about your mask?

When the trousers were off, she began to take off his underwear to see the Krieger’s penis fly out.

“Oh my, I didn’t know you would have such a hard on for me.”

Goeth: I thought that saying was supposed to be metaphorical.

Nora: It is. Subtly is one of the author’s many weaknesses.

Siegfried looked down to see his penis feel the coldness of the air while Lofn slowly came towards his member. Within a second, she began to suck on his penis while Siegfried placed his head back.

Ert: Go figure that a story written about a power fantasy would jump straight to the male sexual fantasy of felatio. You don’t exactly see many of these stories starting with sensual foreplay of cunnilingus now do you?

(Gary Stu Counter: 45)

‘What the frak? She’s going crazy.’ Siegfried said in his mind. He was about to resist the temptation, but Lofn stopped.

Goeth: Oh this is just disgusting.

“Let’s make this more interesting.” She slowly began to take off her underwear while Siegfried looked down to see it fly off the bed as she slowly sat on top of him. Siegfried took the initiative by placing his grip on her ass as he began to bring it down on her member.

Ert: Well this is as erotic as me slapping two blocks of wood together.

Lofn screamed when his penis entered her vagina, causing her to feel the weapon enter her shaft. She just realized that her virginity was taken by the man that teased her.

Nora: Probably because the story is a sex fantasy on top of everything else now.

Moans were coming from her mouth while Siegfried kept complete control over the situation. With her ass shaking the bed, the general was feeling pleasure coming into his body while he brought Lofn down to kiss her.

The Eldar moaned loudly while the Kriegsman pumped away. Then the two quickly climaxed as Siegfried released the feeling of his penis inside Lofn.

Ert: *Tilts head* “Siegfried release the feeling of his penis inside Lofn.” I…I just…I was planning on getting through more today but…I’m sorry. I have to stop it there because my brain is about to overload from all the stupid.

End of Act II

Nora: Well this confirms the author completely missed the point on how the three act structure works. At this point, the threat the heroes faced would’ve established itself as a larger threat, the heroes would’ve most likely faced some setbacks and would be regrouping as set up for the third act and the final battle. He seems to have missed that.

Author’s Note: After this, I am never going to do a sex scene. I just feel like I want to tear out my fucking brains out.

Ert: JOIN THE CLUB!

Advertisements

116 Comments on “1220: The Hammer Effect – Chapters 28 & 29”

  1. leobracer says:

    And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse:

    https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11501562/1/Prom-Night

    To Quote SFY: Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Unlike the humans, she was slightly taller than the humans, but not by much.

    … Bwa?

    Unlike a human she is taller than a human, just not much taller than a human.

    That makes no sense.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Oh, just so I could call you a hybrid.” Lofn stared coldly at the general for a moment before regaining her composure.

    “Yeah, man, it’s, like, totally stopped being a word by now. Hybrid hybrid hybrid hybrid hybrid hybrid…”

  4. GhostCat says:

    When the trousers were off, she began to take off his underwear to see the Krieger’s penis fly out.

    RUNAWAY PENIS! HIT THE DECK!

  5. GhostCat says:

    Siegfried looked down to see his penis feel the coldness of the air…

    Wait a second – he has to visually confirm that his penis feels the cold? That makes it sound like he doesn’t have any physical sensation in his penis, which would significantly reduce his enjoyment of sexy-fun-times.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I have discovered where this Saren is.”

    Well, obviously, this Saren is right here.

    However, the galaxy may yet be invaded by the other Saren. Pray for peace in space!

  7. Ert: We weren’t expecting a permanent break author. We were praying for one, but we weren’t expecting one.

    I think this author suffered a permanent break a long time ago.

  8. GhostCat says:

    Lofn screamed when his penis entered her vagina, causing her to feel the weapon enter her shaft. She just realized that her virginity was taken by the man that teased her.

    headdesk:

    She takes off her underwear before straddling him and initiating the act, but is somehow surprised that he’s having sex with her?

  9. GhostCat says:

    Then the two quickly climaxed as Siegfried released the feeling of his penis inside Lofn.

    :snerk:

    Sweet mercy, that’s the least sexiest sex scene I’ve read in a long time. I’d almost prefer the throbbing man-carrot from Forbiden Fruit

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      So… he released the feeling of his penis inside her.

      Does that make Lofn a metaphysical hermaphrodite now?

      • GhostCat says:

        With the earlier mention of his penis lacking the ability to register physical sensations like cold, he would have released nothing inside her – possibly causing her to collapse inward if he released enough nothing to create a strong vacuum.

        Sex with the Stu sucks so much it could potentially cause his partner to implode.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh God, Ghostie. Why would you give me such images.

        I’m gonna have night terrors for the next year!

      • GhostCat says:

        Let me introduce you to The Dresden Files.

        :holds out copy of Storm Front:

        This one has a serial killer that makes people’s hearts explode while they’re having sex.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Oh yeah, I remember that. I thought that guy was a real “heartbreaker.”

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Goeth: Typing into technology? I see. Pardon me, I need to go find my technology which I think I left on top of the technology at the technology store.

    I wonder if this is what I sound like to not-computer people?

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Sir, there is a member of the Citadel Council waiting for you in the lobby.

    Spectre Vasir was sitting on a bench with her back to the wall

    A Spectre isn’t a membner of the Citadel Council, you idiot! That’s like making every member of my security battalion a member of the Commissariat!

    Which actually sounds like a pretty good idea now that I think about it… let’s see the isolationists and mercantilists form a coalition to oppose me now

  12. The spectre also took notice of their laser weaponry that was with them, whether they be carrying it or have it holstered to the side. ‘If only we could get our hands on that without a confrontation.’ She thought to herself. Then she saw a door open with General Siegfried walking towards her along with Farseer Lofn.

    Ert: You’re telling me with the massive battle on the Citadel not a single las rifle could be salvaged? Oh right, even though the Imperial Guard are supposed to be horrifically outmatched and win battles through clever tactics by the skin of their teeth, in this story they massacre absolutely everyone.

    Wait, aren’t the humans obliged as an associate species to start sharing technology with the rest of the Council?

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: The Emperor abolished hate and yet I still act like a twat towards aliens. Also, the Emperor abolished FEELING AN EMOTION!

    Took him long enough.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    “What about you?” Asked the general.

    “What about me?”

    “Are you coming?”

    “Well, not right now, but in a couple of paragraphs…”

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Don’t worry, I have bought a dress for you.

    and then Legolas said”first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson”.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    In the party, there was plenty of xenos that were there.

    As opposed to the plenty of xenos at the party somewhere else??

  17. On the edges of his uniform there was some golden color making the aliens bewildered by his uniform.

    It’s true, you know. All of that shiny garbage reflects the low UV in a way my people find somewhat nauseating.

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    Noise Marines don’t use music to fight. Just a loud screech

    Somebody needs to remind Christina Augulera of the distinction.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    Farseer Lofn was pulling the cork off of the bottle while Siegfried brought out two small glasses as the cork flew off the bottle before the foam began to fly out.

    PAGING DR. FREUD!!

    • GhostCat says:

      I think there’s something wrong with the gravity, things just keep flying around wildly for no reason.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, I don’t actually know enough about 40k to answer this myself, so…

        Ert?

        Are Farseers telekinetic?

        Because the idea of Loafer flinging her underwear around the room while in flagrante delico is far more amusing than it has any right to be.

      • erttheking says:

        Telekinetic is one of the main branches of psyker branches so I’m going to say “probably.”

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, in that case…

        She slowly began to take off her underwear while Siegfried looked down to see it fly off the bed as she slowly sat on top of him.

        It would appear that they are in fact going at it while this happens in the background.

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lofn took hold of Siegfried and began to pecker him on the lips.

    .
    .
    .

  21. AdmiralSakai says:

    She slowly began to take off her underwear while Siegfried looked down to see it fly off the bed as she slowly sat on top of him.

    Trumpy, you can do magic things!

  22. Lofn screamed when his penis entered her vagina, causing her to feel the weapon enter her shaft. She just realized that her virginity was taken by the man that teased her.

    … i can’t watch…

  23. The Crowbar says:

    Ert: No…but he does write a sex scene. A horrible horrible sex scene.

    Oh. Great.

  24. The Crowbar says:

    Soon a salarian decided to activate a piece of music, only to result in having dubstep playing

    One would think Salarian ears are different and thus they would hear everything a bit differently than us.

    Since, you know, they look like they were about to evolve from frogs to humans but then got stuck somewhere in the middle.

  25. The Crowbar says:

    Siegfried released the feeling of his penis inside Lofn.

    *The Crowbar recoils in his chair*

    What the fuck?!

  26. Delta XIII says:

    ‘Don’t think

    This story summed up in two words.

  27. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    I was informed by a sanctioned psyker that the Emperor abolished the hate against aliens and mutants

    Also abolished: Thursdays, soup, rock and roll music, mathematics.

  28. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lofn screamed when his penis entered her vagina, causing her to feel the weapon enter her shaft. She just realized that her virginity was taken by the man that teased her.

    So, his penis entering her vagina caused her to feel his penis enter her vagina.

    Thank you, author, for explaining to me how the sense of touch works.

  29. Dakota: In other news, I’m scared of Lasagna now.

  30. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: This Saren? Tell me Ert, do you know where this Goeth is?

    This Goeth is coming from inside this house!

  31. Swenia says:

    Finally, some smut!

    *moments later*

    The FUCK did I just read!?

    • Syl says:

      Honestly, the fic where everyone is waving their swords about and grasping each other’s spears is much sexier than this was.

  32. TacoMagic says:

    *Twitch twitch*

    I’m about to add the word “soon” to my list of gongable offenses.

  33. TacoMagic says:

    “Whatever you call music, gave me a bad memory of a group of chaos warriors that me and my men once fought.”

    http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/25p93/

  34. TacoMagic says:

    “It’s called Regentropfen. It is a song that us Kriegers keep within us.”

    Ert:…HERR! I NEED YOU ON THIS ONE!

    Actually I can handle this one, see, Regentropfen is a-

    Also, the Regentropfen is from a 1d4chan story called Love and Krieg.

    FUCK YOU, AUTHOR, AND YOUR MUSICAL ILLITERACY! THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT WHERE IT’S FROM!

    Ahem.

    Regentropfen is a very famous work by Frèdèric Chopin (Also known as Prèlude Op. 28 No. 15). It means “Raindrop” in German and is probably on of the most popular and widely recognized of Chopin’s work.

  35. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: The dark lit room huh? Is it cleanly dirty too?

    Wait! You know Sergio!?

  36. TacoMagic says:

    After a ‘few’ more rounds, the two were not exactly in their right minds. “The wine tastes like grape juice.”

    Quick! Everyone try to spot the author who’s never had wine before!

  37. Cain: Trapped was updated again…

  38. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: Well this is as erotic as me slapping two blocks of wood together.

    I think you’re selling short the latent sensuality of hunks of fibrous, vegetative connective tissue colliding.

  39. TacoMagic says:

    I just feel like I want to tear out my fucking brains out.

    *Sigh*

    Okay, guys, can we at least use the mint chloroform this time.

    *Taco is chloroformed and dragged from the room*

  40. infinity421 says:

    her shaft

    No, author, that’s not the word you use! HIS shaft, not her shaft!

  41. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Oh, fuck’s sake. That sex scene was about as erotic as the ones from Ride to Hell: Retribution.

  42. "Lyle" says:

    *snort* Wha-bwahaha! What the fuck did I just read?! Oh great googly moogly. This is why virgins shouldn’t write sex scenes. *pounds on her desk with her fist* I’m going to be laughing about this for a while. I’m nominating “Then the two quickly climaxed as Siegfried released the feeling of his penis inside Lofn” for the next Sucktastic Awards’ Most Unintentionally Hilarious Line. Holy crap.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s