1215: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 3

 

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Salutations, wonderful Patrons!

Once more I dive into another chapter of this increasingly difficult to understand fic. I can actually feel the grammar getting worse with every chapter; this is very worrisome since I haven’t even reached the halfway point.

:sigh:

It’s times like these I wish Syl hadn’t stolen my Adult Beverage Cabinet.

There was some slight activity in the last chapter; Kyo-Sue went to school, Kisa-chan had her hand broken and was then promptly ignored by all authority figures, And then the girls were attacked by mugger(s) that turned into assassin(s) sent by Kyo-Sue’s father because he’s now the Designated Bad Guy in the fic. Everything turned out fine, though, because Kyo-Sue is a worldwide kendo champion who promptly breaks all the rules of kendo and kicks her attacker in the head. That somehow makes it impossible for two grown men to overpower a pair of teenage girls, one of whom has a broken hand. Broken hand and muggers/assassins were quickly forgotten as the girls had a slumber party in Kisa-chan’s private apartment and then went shopping with Kyo-Sue’s mother and Kisa-chan’s stepmother the next day. Things were getting too positive, so Kyo-Sue got the news via a phone call from Random Friend Lena’s brother that Random Friend Lena has cancer. This is terrible for Kyo-Sue, because now she has to deal with having a friend that has cancer. Everyone should feel very sorry for Kyo-Sue for having to suffer such heartache.

:gargles with Brain Bleach:

I feel so dirty now. On that note, to the fic!

XOXOXOXOXOXOX Disclaimer don’t own OHSHC, I ask Mori senpie cause Kyoya-kun wouldn’t give it to me.

:squints at disclaimer:

Mori who? Is that supposed to be Mori-senpai?

Author, you really need to learn how to word better.

Kyoya: ‘hits Kyoko on the head real’

Real what? They are both fictional characters! There’s nothing real about either of them.

:sounds of a throat being cleared:

Not now, Shinobi-san.

Me: Your mean Kyoya-kun wut was that for?

In case there was any doubt about Kyo-Sue being a SI Sue, here we have the author interacting with the canon characters via her Sue’s persona. She’s not even attempting to hide it.

Kyoya: For being and idiot, you will never own us stupid.

This is why you’re my favorite, Kyouya-senpai.

Me: goes into my own emo corner.

When has she ever left her emo corner?

Kisa: Brother that’s not nice, and Kyoko-chan come give us the chapter name.

Just ignore her and get on with your lives. You’re better off.

Chapter 3: Mirror

Considering that Random Friend Lena’s brother called Kyo-Sue “Mirror-chan”, I’m going to assume this chapter is all about Kyo-Sue. It’s a pretty safe bet; so far everything has been about Kyo-Sue.

I walk down the stairs thinking about what James said, “Lena has leukemia, so wet aren’t coming to Japan.”

That’s not what he said, but I’d rather not have a rehashing of that particular Kyo-Sue-centric conversation.

I have to call Lena right now. I walk out the front door it round 6:30 I pull my cell phone out of my pocket dial Lena’s cell phone number.

It would be really helpful to know where Kyo-Sue came from; assuming it is somewhere in the US, Random Friend Lena could be between thirteen and sixteen hours behind her.

“Hello.” I hear her say quietly at the other end.

Is it me you’re looking for?

“Hey Lena, I need to talk to you, right now.” I say seriously.

Isn’t that why people typically call each other? You don’t call someone on the phone to share an uncomfortable silence together.

“Um… Kyo-chan are you sitting in the park?” she ask weird question.

I have to admit, that is a weird question. Maybe Random Friend Lena is dreaming or drugged.

“Yah why?” I ask.

No, you’re not. You just walked out of your front door. Unless you live inside a park, you’d have to walk at least a little distance to reach one.

“Turn around.” She says and I turn around to see her at the bus station.

:headdesk:

Damn. Random Friend Lena travels even faster than Kyo-Sue.

She runs to me and embraces me into a hug.

:sirens blare:

Shinobi-san, since you’re already here could you send a flurry of ninjas out to attack with force? Arigatou.

“What are you doing here, your supposed to be in America?” she smiles at me and hugs me harder.

Ha! I was right! She was in America! That doesn’t really narrow things down all that much, but I’ll take any small victory.

“I came here to see a better doctor, someone who can help me.

And I was also right about there being treatments available in Japan! I’m on a frickin’ roll, which is kind of sad.

My brother was wrong , my parent weren’t moving

No, that would mean he was right since he said they weren’t moving to Japan.

but my father arranged me to move in with my cousin Takashi Morinozuka, you remember right.” She said with her silly Lena smile.

Why would she remember that? You’re just telling her about it now. Up until a few minutes ago, Kyo-Sue thought you were still in Anytown, America.

“that’s why those two looked so familiar.” I say out loud.

So apparently the thing Kyo-Sue was supposed to remember was Random Friend Lena being related to a host club member. If that’s the case, then why didn’t she mention it before now? Why wasn’t it referenced when the host club members were described?

Oh, right; THEY WEREN’T! This author is one of those who feels using the canon character’s name is all the description that is needed. We really need to come up with a name for that.

“So you remember.” Of course I remember those two are the only two people I could never beet.

Kyo-Sue goes around assaulting people with root vegetables?

“La Duh.” She smiles at me.

:headdesk:

“Well I have one problem, I don’t know where they live and I’m having trouble getting them.” she whines.

:blinks:

Who let this child out of the house alone? She’s in a strange country and doesn’t know where the relative she’s staying with even lives. What was her plan before Kyo-Sue called her? Just stand around in a public park until someone offered to help her?

“Hold on one sec.” I say and call Kyoya.

Why didn’t Random Friend Lena do that? Or call anyone else in their circle? It looks like she only tried to contact Mori-senpai but then gave up when she couldn’t get his house. If I were in a similar situation, I’d be calling anyone I could think of or flagging down a police officer.

“Kyoko, what do you want?” he asked angrily.

Everything. And she’s the Sue, so she’ll probably get it.

” oh so nice greeting like how are you Kyoko, what can I do for you.

Why would you expect him to talk to you like that? He can be polite when it suits him, but you aren’t a client so why should he be polite to you?

Oh, right; she’s the Sue.

But since you ask can you send a driver to the park by my house to pick me and Lena up, and take us to Mori’s house.” I ask nicely.

Does Mori-senpai live so far away that you need to take a private car? What about the trains? Or walking?

“Let me guess she lost and isn’t she your friend from America?” oh your so sramt.

Oh, the delicious irony.

The way this is worded seems very backwards to me; typically the flow of conversation would be something along the lines of “Who’s that, your friend from America? Let me guess; she’s lost.”

“No lost, we are at the park

Yes lost, she admitted to it immediately. Knowing where she is at the moment doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t know how to get where she wants to go.

 and yes American friend who is excellent at speaking Japanese.” I say.

:snerk: Honey, you’re barely intelligible in English. I don’t want to see what you’d do to Japanese.

“Oh Kyoko, we are here come on your making me wait.” He says as he walks up and smirks at me.

That was fast. Does Kyouya-senpai live close by or did they just talk really slowly?

“Thank Kyo-kun.” I smile at him the drive to Takashi’s wasn’t long me and Lena sang Disney songs just to piss Kyoya off it was funny to watch,

I’m sure it was hilarious, but thanks for telling the audience about it rather than showing it to us. That’s loads more efficient.

minute before we get there we get serious and sing a real song.

:THWACK!:

DISNEY SONGS ARE REAL SONGS!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
‘Cause Mirror you’ve always told me who I am
I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won’t define me
Sorry you don’t own me

Aw, hell; it’s another song. I bet there’s one in every chapter. Wait, is this what the chapter title was referencing?

Lena sang the first part and now it my turn,

I do not care whose turn it is, or even that you turn it into a duet. I’m cutting the rest of the song lyrics. The song is Mirror, Mirror by Barlow Girl, if anyone is interested.

We finished singing right when we pulled up, we both got out of the limo walked to the front door, I knocked on the door because Lena was scared to do it, baby, but she is my baby.

Wha?

I can understand that Random Friend Lena would be nervous about knocking on the door, especially if she left without permission and then wound up getting lost, but what is this “baby” nonsense?

Huni-senpie opened the door.

:headdesk:

“Kyo-chan what are you doing here?” he ask with his cute innocents.

No, what are you doing there? That’s not your house. You don’t live with Mori-senpai. And didn’t anyone contact the family to let them know she was safe? She’s a child of fragile health, lost in a foreign land; her guardians should be worried about her.

“Is Takashi home?” I ask Lena hiding behind my back, Lena shy if she hasn’t seen someone in a long time.

How old is Random Friend Lena, five? She’s staying at this house, so if Huni-senpai is living here (for whatever reason) then she should already have met him. It’s not as if Random Friend Lena went wandering off on her own straight from the airport.

… She did, didn’t she? DAMMIT!

“Takashi!” Huni yelled and Takashi was at the door.

The author really likes using Mori-senpai’s real name, even though Huni-senpai is the only one who ever calls him that. Kind of feels like she’s shouting “Look at me, I know what I’m talking about!” at the audience.

“Tekashi-senpie, you left something at the bus station.” I say and try to show Lena, but she is holding onto my back leg.

Unless Random Friend Lena is really short or Kyo-Sue is very tall, that seems very unlikely. Of course, Kyo-Sue could just have an extra leg growing out of her back.

“Let go of me Lena, right now!” I yell and she lets go and stands up,

Oh, she was kneeling down! I thought she was just really short, since that action was never mentioned in the narration.

and Huni-senpie hugs the 13 year old, yah that right I’m sixteen and my best friend is in middle school, do I care no.

Do I care? No, not really. Well, I care about the overly familiar voice in the narration, but the three-year age difference is something I couldn’t give two fucks about. It would only really be an issue if they are in a romantic relationship, and even then it would depend on the local laws governing age of consent.

” thanks Kyoko, see you tomorrow at school.” Takashi says and I say goodbye to Lena and walk back to the limo.

:yawns:

“Now Onii-san if you’d be so kind as to take me home.” He looks t me funny.

He’s not your personal driver, y’know. I’m sure you have one, so maybe you should have called them instead of him.

“You’re a pest you know that.” He said smirking me.

:waves clipboard:

You’re on the List of Approved Smirkers, and I have a bit of a crush on you, but that can only protect you for so long.

“Yes but you love me anyway right?” I ask innocently.

“whatever you think.” He took me home after that.

I really hope that’s his way of saying “No”.

I walk inside to se my mom freaking out, it only 7:39 I had only been gone for about and hour,

Almost exactly and hour, which is another incident of suspiciously accurate timekeeping in a fic. And finally, a realistic reaction from one of the adult robots! Kyo-Sue’s mother, who knows her former husband is rich, abusive, and possessive, should be worried when her daughter vanishes for an hour. Why Kyo-Sue didn’t call to inform her mother where she was and who she was with – which is something my mother always made me do at that age and I never even had anyone trying to kidnap and/or murder me – I have no idea.

I explain to mother what had happened she hugged my and I went to my room,

:headdesk:

The brief flash of parental responsibility is swiftly followed by a return to the status quo of letting the children get away with doing whatever they want to do.

I started drawing, I drew my own manga before long, it was about a girls life with all her crazy friends.

Ummm… No. No, you did not.

Only someone truly ignorant of all the hard work and effort that goes into a creative  endeavor – be it a manga, a work of fiction, or a piece of music – would assume that you could make something in the time it takes to enjoy something. The creative process is exceptionally time-consuming, regardless of what you’re actually making or doing, and the illusion of effortlessness often conceals countless hours of practice and planning. It’s like baking a cake from scratch; it takes a lot of time and energy to bring together all the elements and fashion them into something recognizable as a cake, but only a few minutes to actually eat a slice.

I don’t know where will go, but take me somewhere away from here, away from the hate and the hurt away from the pain, lets leave it all behind us.

…Huh?

My crashing by and don’t even have the time to pick up the pieces, and you say I’m headed nowhere when I’m actually going somewhere, Because life going to take me where it want me to go so I go with the flow, and I’m not at all slow.

Is this even the same fic? This weird free-verse came out of nowhere.

I sing this little song I wrote 2 years ago after the first time he it me.

Oh, it’s a song. That she suddenly started singing even though the narration established that she was doing something else. And there’s what I’m assuming is a reference to her abusive father, because the only way to ground such an overly-awesome character is to give them a traumatic past.

:gargles with more Brain Bleach:

I really should stop doing that.

So I’m going to pick up the pieces and I going on it on my very own, cause you can’t help and it not easy, life isn’t what I wanted to be, so sorry but this want be easy for me, but goodbye.

I did some casual Googling and couldn’t find this anywhere except in the fic, so I’m going to assume it is an original work. For one thing, it has a completely different format from the lyrics the author has previously posted. These are all mashed up together rather than being written out in verse. As songs go this is pretty short, and as poetry goes it’s pretty bad – there’s no rhythm to the words at all. The author would probably give the perennial excuse of all fledgling poets – “It’s free verse so it doesn’t have to rhyme!” That is true, but there should be a certain cadence to the words, a certain rhythm. This jumble doesn’t have that. I’ll leave it to Herr to explain why these lines would make bad lyrics.

I lay in my bed thinking about the life the life I had with my father it wasn’t easy and I wish they had just let me stay here.

She went from drawing a complete manga to singing that weird little “song” and then directly into bed. Kyo-Sue’s had a very busy night.

I’m really wondering why “they” didn’t let Kyo-Sue stay with her mother. All my research into Japanese custody laws (and I’ve actually done research) points to the judge favoring the mother, especially if she’s native Japanese, in such incidences.

“But I ask one question,, Mirror, Mirror on the wall have I got?” I ask out loud.

That’s not a question, you’re just reprising song lyrics.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I guess that’s the end of the chapter, save for the ever-present Author’s Note.

Thank for reading comment please so who like Lena personality. I do.

So Forever Yours Maia Lo Ran.

Random Friend Lena doesn’t have any personality; all I know about her is that she’s thirteen, has cancer, is Mori-senpai’s cousin, gets lost easily, and is sometimes shy.  You could replace her with a puppy and the fic would be largely unchanged.

Word count, so this word count will be low but this is supposed to be a short chapter the word count is…. 1,210…

I don’t know why the author is so hung up on her word count.  She is right about one thing – the chapter was very short. That’ because NOTHING HAPPENED.

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38 Comments on “1215: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 3”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Spirits, this thing is still going on?

    I have half a mind to just leak Kyosue’s location to Everest so he can kill her and end this mess right here and now.

    • GhostCat says:

      There’s ten chapters, plus an Author’s Note chapter stating that the fic is being abandoned for a rewrite, so we’re only about a third of the way through this thing.

      • agigabyte says:

        Cain: And apparently the rewrite is worse.

      • GhostCat says:

        And I can prove it. Here’s the first two “paragraphs” from the rewrite;

        My name is Kyoko Everest I’m sixteen and live in America with my father Jonathan Everest. My mother is a mid thirties Japanese woman named Ayame Tanaka. I looked like my mother with long dark brown and large purple blue eyes, French father.

        It was an ungodly hour in the morning and I was finishing up a 5 page homework assignment for Physic which I hated with I passion. Which is funny cause that’s my best friends Kisa and Kyoya Ootori favorite subject, oh to the smart physic loving people.

        • agigabyte says:

          Cain: You know what else is ungodly? That fic.

        • GhostCat says:

          On the plus side, there’s no song lyrics until the fourth chapter. On the minus side, the full text of Annabel Lee is included in one chapter for some reason and Kyo-Sue is turned into an even bigger Sue. At one point she speaks Italian, Spanish, French, English, and Japanese during the same conversation. Because it’s normal for sixteen year old girls to be fluent in five languages.

        • agigabyte says:

          Goddess: ich Echere seguro, uma jy een parodie Sue, il est très bien. Men, li te pa.

          Cain: *Headdesk*

        • GhostCat says:

          Goddess made Google Translate cry.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        My name is Kyoko Everest I’m sixteen and live in America with my father Jonathan Everest. My mother is a mid thirties Japanese woman named Ayame Tanaka. I looked like my mother with long dark brown and large purple blue eyes, French father.

        It was an ungodly hour in the morning and I was finishing up a 5 page homework assignment for Physic which I hated with I passion. Which is funny cause that’s my best friends Kisa and Kyoya Ootori favorite subject, oh to the smart physic loving people.

        My god, it’s turning into My Immortal!

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I walk down the stairs thinking about what James said, “Lena has leukemia, so wet aren’t coming to Japan.”

    Ok, that’s the first time I’ve heard of someone’s illness causing a drought anywhere, much less an entire country…

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Kyoya: ‘hits Kyoko on the head real’

    Real what?

    Maybe she has a habit of keeping Brazilian currency on top of her head?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    This author is one of those who feels using the canon character’s name is all the description that is needed. We really need to come up with a name for that.

    Canon crutching?

    • GhostCat says:

      I like it, but that’s a bit too broad and could apply to settings as well as characters. I was thinking of something specifically for characterization that relies on slapping a name-tag on a character and calling it a day.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I dunno, because this happens with settings and mechanics and other canon things as well (“Cairo Station”, anyone?) so maybe it should be applicable to more than just characters.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Chapter 3: Mirror

    Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the blandest of them all…

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “La Duh.” She smiles at me.

    I really, really, really hope that this sort of expression doesn’t catch on in real life…

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
    ‘Cause Mirror you’ve always told me who I am
    I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect
    So sorry you won’t define me
    Sorry you don’t own me

    Aw, hell; it’s another song. I bet there’s one in every chapter. Wait, is this what the chapter title was referencing?

    Lena sang the first part and now it my turn,

    I do not care whose turn it is, or even that you turn it into a duet. I’m cutting the rest of the song lyrics. The song is Mirror, Mirror by Barlow Girl, if anyone is interested.

    I’ve got a better idea:

    Just imagine Kyosue in place of that automaton…

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    I started drawing, I drew my own manga before long, it was about a girls life with all her crazy friends.

    Ummm… No. No, you did not.

    Only someone truly ignorant of all the hard work and effort that goes into a creative endeavor – be it a manga, a work of fiction, or a piece of music – would assume that you could make something in the time it takes to enjoy something. The creative process is exceptionally time-consuming, regardless of what you’re actually making or doing, and the illusion of effortlessness often conceals countless hours of practice and planning. It’s like baking a cake from scratch; it takes a lot of time and energy to bring together all the elements and fashion them into something recognizable as a cake, but only a few minutes to actually eat a slice.

    I’m just assuming that, like her fan fiction, she made it in five minutes and it really, really sucked.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    “But I ask one question,, Mirror, Mirror on the wall have I got?” I ask out loud.

    No. No you do not.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    XOXOXOXOXOXOX Disclaimer don’t own OHSHC, I ask Mori senpie cause Kyoya-kun wouldn’t give it to me.

    :squints at disclaimer:

    Mori who? Is that supposed to be Mori-senpai?

    Nope, senpie, it’s an honorific reserved specifically for clowns.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    “Oh Kyoko, we are here come on your making me wait.” He says as he walks up and smirks at me.

    I can’t remember, is this dude on our list of accepted smirkers?

    BAAAA…

    Hmmm, well, better gong him anyway, just to be safe.

    BAAAAAA!

    *Cerbersheep charges out of the room*

  12. Delta XIII says:

    It’s times like these I wish Syl hadn’t stolen my Adult Beverage Cabinet.

    *hands Ghostie a can of Double Jack and Cola*
    Be grateful. Normally, Delta doesn’t share booze.

    • GhostCat says:

      :GLOMP!:

      New best friend!

      Wait, there’s a place that sells Jack and Cokes by the can? Like in a regular Coke can type of can?

      • Delta XIII says:

        Yeah, in four-packs at the liquor store.

        Do they not have pre-mixed drinks in America?

      • GhostCat says:

        None that I’ve seen. There’s a variety of “malt beverages” flavored to resemble mixed drinks – typically margaritas, daiquiris, and other fruity drinks – but they don’t have actual hard liquor in them. They’re more like wine coolers than real mixed drinks. Could just be where I live, though. In North Carolina we don’t even have liquor stores, just the ABC stores run by the state Alcoholic Beverage Control board. They’re the only (legal) places to buy distilled spirits.

  13. Delta XIII says:

    No RTDs?
    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ready_to_drink

    You actually have to mix your own drinks?!
    That’s adorable.
    *smugly sips from can*

  14. infinity421 says:

    Tomorrow is Always Better – proving that tomorrow isn’t always better, because there may be more of this ‘fic (or at least the rewrite) posted on the internet.

  15. "Lyle" says:

    God, this is such an offensive piece of cap in so many ways. Mr. Lyle’s dad died of adult onset lymphoblastic leukemia 5 years ago. It isn’t something you let someone wander around with willy-nilly!


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