1214: The Great Rift – Chapter Eight

Title: The Great Rift
Author: LimeyK
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Drama/Adventure
URL: The Great Rift: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello folks, and welcome back to Pretentious Fanfiction Theater. I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and I’m going to be off doing this thing here.

So let’s get going, shall we? We’ve got more of this thing to slog through!

We open our latest chapter with this:

Arriving in front of the bridge to Peach’s castle, Kirby, Luigi, Link, Ike, Red, Pikachu, Mario, Meta Knight, and Victor descended gently on the warp star until they hovered several feet above, allowing all of them to hop off.

Several feet above? Honey, you better hope “several” doesn’t mean “more than three” in this case, ‘cause if it doesn’t, you’re gonna have broken legs from most of these guys!

After a few seconds, Meta Knight reluctantly inched opened his eyes before finally letting go of Victor’s leg.

And of course, the fucking puffball (with no really visible skeletal anatomy) is the one who’s all “mama, help me!”

Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Meta Knight: because who likes dignified puffballs?

Acting as if nothing big happened,

—says the narration, as if it didn’t take seven fucking chapters for something to finally fucking happen in this fic—

he stood up and dusted himself off while Luigi walked over to his brother, glancing around.

“Mario, what-a-happened to Star Fox?”

Well, you see, when missiles strike ships, it tends to result in—

A loud and deep bang sounded behind them in the air above the castle, and everyone looked up to see a horrible sight.

A flaming Great Fox, followed by the swarm of Wolvens still inflicting further damage, was falling out of the sky and heading right for the main tower.

Um, yeah. That.

Mario and the others watched almost hypnotically as the giant mother ship deafeningly crashed directly through the top half of Peach’s castle, smashing a storm of large bricks and stone cleanly off before landing harshly in the bay, displacing a huge amount of water.

And then that water smashed straight into the nearby Toad village, destroying tons of homes and killing hundreds of innocent civilians. The area around there was considered a lost cause, and the Lylat System declared war against the villains of the fic for killing their beloved Star Fox.

*BAM*

Okay, that’s not what actually happens. No, what actually happens is this:

Huge columns of smoke began climbing skyward as many of the Toad families who lived in the vicinity had run over to see what was happening.

They clamored worriedly while holding their loved ones close in response to the bewildering sight at hand.

Um, LimeyK, you are aware of what happens when you displace a “huge amount of water”, right? Typically, it leads to this:

Yeah, how many civilians do you see running towards the site of the carnage there? Yeah, not a lot, right? So that should answer your question on whether or not this detail is accurate. That is to say, it isn’t!

But hey, don’t take my word for it. After all, describing the real aftermath of such an event would take description, and far be it for me to suggest ways to make your story even more “visually demanding” than it already is, right?

Luigi took several trembling steps backward before falling on his rear while a determined Mario sprang into action.

He glanced up and saw the Wolvens retiring from the area.

“We must-a-help them, come on!”

*snerk*

And what the fuck are you going to do? The Great Fox was on fire, it just crashed through a castle and into a lake, it was pursued by Wolfens… and the Wolfens are airborn. In full combat mode. And also behind a fancy pair of shields.

On the other hand, you’re just a bunch of guys on the ground, with only your wits and whatever weapons you happen to have on you. Sure, some of you have projectile weapons, but on the whole, you’d have to get really good at jumping in order to land any hits. And what the hell is kicking a Wolfen gonna do, really? I mean, sure, you’ve got Captain Falcon, whose punch has literally vaporized people, but what’s everyone else going to do? Stamp on the wings?

Thus, in the words of a particular hardened crazy person:

Link gave a confident grunt and was second to follow before Ike, Red, Pikachu, Kirby, and lastly Victor followed.

Only Luigi and Meta Knight stayed behind.

*headdesk*

Oh for fuck’s sake, guys, I was kidding!

Luigi was still sitting while fraught with angst, but the blue star warrior just stood under a tree’s shade from the sun, facing away with his arms crossed.

Mario ran up and skidded to a stop at the water’s edge as the others caught up and stood beside him.

From the smoldering wreckage of the Great Fox out in the bay, it was indeed quite a swim to the shore.

Um, Mario leapt right into the action of… um… standing right by the side of the lake and doing absolutely nothing!

They all seemed frustrated at their inability to reach them, but suddenly a silhouetted figure shot out of the water and gasped deeply for fresh air.

*frown*

Wait, how did they survive?

Andreas began swimming toward the shore, breathing hard while supporting both Fox and Falco on his shoulders.

“Come on we’re almost there, don’t let go!”

Andreas struggled to keep his face above the water while the two pilots kept a firm grip on the human.

Oh hey, Andreas actually saves the Star Fox crew, even though they didn’t trust him. Huh, looks like he’s actually noble for once.

Still a fucking idiot, though. That part’s not gonna go away for a while, methinks…

“Andre!” On the shore, a stunned Victor realized it was indeed his friend.

And the reunion from their brief split happened pretty much instantly. Man, wouldn’t it have been awesome if they had been split up for a far longer period of time than this? That way they’d really get a sense of isolation, and they’d realize how much they mean to each other. It’d be an interesting narrative direction!

Which is, of course, why we’re not doing it. Because why try to be interesting when you can be “visually demanding” or some shit like that, am I right?

A few moments later, a second figure popped up next to him.

Slippy was hoisting Peppy along as he swiftly frog-kicked his way past.

They all reached the shore as Mario and the others hurriedly came to their aid.

And they hurriedly came to their aid… how, exactly? Were they pulling people out of the water? Were they tossing life rings to them? Were they administering CPR? Were they not?

Our “visually demanding” story, folks!

“Oh mama-mia, are you guys-a-alright?”

Falco scrambled out of the water and sat curled on the beach.

“Yeah, as good as we’ll ever be!” His feathers were all puffed up.

“Augh, I hate water! I hate the stuff, but good thing though we had another frog with us, eh? He can swim well for a little snitch, ha!”

A little snitch? Um… I’m not sure what that’s referring to, and why Falco is calling him that when he never did that at any point in the series.

Guys? Help, please?

The avian acknowledged toward a soaked Andreas, who took a few tired steps before lying down on his back, coughing.

Ooooooh, he was referring to Andreas. I see.

Though, what the fuck does “acknowledged toward” supposed to mean? Does that mean he pointed at Andreas? Does that mean he tilted his head towards him?

Our “visually demanding” story, ladies and gentlemen!

“Seriously though, maybe I should be saying thanks Andre.”

“Yes, Andreas, thanks for saving my ass from a situation you could’ve completely avoided by, you know, not cutting my arm and making it next to impossible for me to move it! Thanks for that!”

Slippy emptied the water from his boots while scoffing, “I haven’t done swimming drills in a while either. Man, I forgot how tiring it was!”

To be fair to Slippy, yeah, you do.

Peppy waded onto the beach with some regret. “Well, it’s a shame we lost ROB. You’d just fixed him up too.”

The mechanic only sighed and shook his head.

“Mario, I’ll be… It’s great to see you made it out of there alive.” Peppy greeted the plumber.

Whoah, Peppy, that’s a rather abrupt shift of subject, isn’t it?

Say, whatever happened to those Wolfens that were flying around the Great Fox when it crashed? I mean, they were all flying around, causing trouble, and doing stuff, right?

You forgot they were there, didn’t you?

*BAM*

Anyway, we then get a line break, and then we cut to this:

The hare continued talking with Mario and the others in the background as Victor immediately ran for his friend and kneeled beside him, trying to form words.

Yes, because why indicate that Peppy had gone off to talk to the others through, I don’t know, description? Instead of a line break that would only have broken a few minutes of page time?

“Andre! Holy hell, you’re here too!” He clasped his hand.

“You were with the Star Fox gang? Wow, how’d you end up there?”

Because stupid; don’t ask, Vic.

Anyway, we then get more Vic and Andreas conversation stuffs. Vic says he’s all “I think I know where we are”, then Andreas is all “I saw you on the TV”, and then Vic tries to lighten up the mood (or “cheer up the mood”, as our author puts it). And then we get this:

“Aw man, I’m just so glad you’re alright Andre. You did swim a lot over the years… It’s strange, I always called you a frog too.”

Andreas reached up and rested his hand on Victor’s arm.

“Same here Vick. It sounds like I missed a lot.”

Nah, you really didn’t miss that much. Only about, what, five minutes of gameplay? That’s hardly what I would call “a lot”.

With another clasping of hands, Victor helped pull his wet sandy-backed friend up to his feet and began brushing him off.

“You missed a lot? Well I wasn’t shot down in a freaking ship, hit a castle, and swam with survivors to shore while living to tell about it!”

“And I also forgot how proper grammar functioned for a second! See! Aren’t I just the greatest, my jelly elly roll?”

Kirby meanwhile approached and seemed fascinated with Andreas since he’d only known Victor until then.

I mean, to be fair to Kirby, I’d be curious to see what’s up with two men together where the one is “brushing off” the other one, y’know what I’m saying?

“Oh, hey there Kirby.”

“Poyo?” He lightly poked at his wet capris and pressed the pocket where his phone was still at.

Feeling his phone, Andreas’ eyes widened and his hand fumbled to pull it out.

With an anxious press of the wake button, he sighed relieved to see the screen still light up despite being wet.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Okay, LimeyK, it’s called a “power button”. Okay? He pressed the power button. Don’t try to fancy it up by calling it a “wake button”, m’kay? It’s a fucking power button!

Second of all, really? You do know why phones stop working when they’re wet, right? So unless you have a damn good explanation for why this phone is still working even though you fucking swam while it was in your pocket, I’m calling bullshit.

“Wow, of all the things that could have been ruined… My phone made it.”

“My dignity, however, is another matter.”

With that, he went ahead and turned it off to conserve the battery.

“Good thing I just charged it.”

Victor patted him heartily on the shoulder and rested his case.

“You see Andre? Your little ode to flaks did help you out.”

Well, to be fair, I guess it did. I mean, it did save him from his own stupidity, you know?

We then get another line break, and we cut to…

As the others conversed, only Fox remained knee deep in the water, gazing down at his reflection amid the reflections of smoke columns and fire.

Okay, and did everyone else clear out? How much later is this? Is this just another scene shift?

You didn’t think that far ahead when you used the line break, did you, LimeyK?

He waded ashore distraught with grief,

*frown*

Distraught with grief? Good Lord, what the fuck…

*headdesk*

No, you know what? I’m not even going to question it at this point. Really, it’s not worth it, it just isn’t.

tiredly took off his helmet, vest, and un-clamped his boots now heavy with water.

The mirage of the destroyed Great Fox burned in his glossy green eyes; he fought to hold back painful tears.

The “mirage”?

*BAM*

For fuck’s sake, LimeyK, put that fucking thesaurus down! Jesus Christ, you do know that this is the definition of “mirage”, right?

an optical illusion caused by atmospheric conditions, especially the appearance of a sheet of water in a desert or on a hot road caused by the refraction of light from the sky by heated air.

The Great Fox is an actual tangible object in the water. It is not an optical illusion.

Thus, there is no fucking mirage. And you somehow thought there would be one, even though it makes no sense to have one because everybody and their mother knows what a mirage is!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

STOP USING WORDS YOU CLEARLY DON’T KNOW THE DEFINITIONS OF, LIMEYK!! IT DOESN’T MAKE YOUR FIC MORE MEANINGFUL, IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!!!!

FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

*headdesk*

The others finally noticed his melancholic stature as Red flicked his hat up and called, “Hey Star Fox, you alright?”

His steady breath was shaky as a tear formed in his eye.

Yeah, well, Fox, don’t go around being all—

Slowly turning his head, he faced Victor and Andreas bearing a murderous glare.

“You… This is your fault.”

Andreas’ face was overcome with unknowing as Fox began to take a few steps toward them, but then it became clear it was in fact toward him.

“This is all your entire fault!”

His voice spiked to a raging yell as he shot forward, tackling Andreas in the sand.

“You liar, you are a spy! You signaled for the Wolfens to attack us! You’re working with them!”

Okay, and…? How do you know that? I mean, apart from this being an angry outburst, anyway?

Anyway, we then get a whole bunch of stuff where people try to get Fox off of Andreas, Fox continues accusing them, and then they eventually get him off. Vic asks Fox what his problem is, and then Peppy tells Fox to tell General Pepper what’s going down. And then, Falco, in a surprise show of “calm down”, is like “he just saved our lives, yo!” So then Fox goes off and starts to do the thing. I’m going to skip it all, ‘cause I think you know the drill with this fic’s prose by now.

By now Luigi had wandered back over to join the group.

He nervously spoke up from behind, “Umm… So I… Ahum… I overheard-a-Fox say something about them? What-a-does he mean?”

Mario, Kirby, Link, Red, Pikachu, Ike, and even Victor seemed to share the questioning expressions.

Okay, and… Once again, what does that mean?

*headdesk*

Good Lord, man, it doesn’t help your story if you just throw around these terms! They don’t mean anything! Can you give us, I don’t know, context?

Peppy, Slippy, and Falco also turned to Andreas.

“You said you knew who they all are.” A squinty-eyed Falco remarked.

Ike turned to Victor and asked, “What does your friend know that we don’t?”

Um… that you’re all celebrities with easily-identifiable villains? Really guys, come on! You all can’t be that obtuse, can you?

Anyway, Andreas then gives a dump of information that informs the others on what they missed. And they do it through dialogue.

You know…

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 17

The guys also all react to the things, being all “of course they would be there” or “wait, so this was why they weren’t present”. And then, Meta Knight comes up to them.

Meta Knight meanwhile had finally stood up and slowly approached the group.

He exhaled and spoke up, “Well did you happen to see a fat, floating, cloaked and hooded hoodlum with yellow eyes?”

Well, he wasn’t cloaked, but I did find a fat, floating hoodlum:

Andreas shook his head causing the blue star warrior to deeply groan and commence another session of ranting.

“Well it was that freak who led the mutiny against me and stole my ship. He also planted the bomb in the stadium and spilled this purple stuff all over the place before these robot fighters sprung up everywhere!”

Becoming tired of Meta Knight’s spouting, Ike tried to keep still whilst scratching his head impatiently as he went on.

He tried to keep still? What was he doing before, literally running laps around the conversation? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure he’d get exhausted after that! Not to mention dizzy.

“That’s when fatso and long legs came and took your princesses to another castle, and when we had to haul ass outta there on one undersized warp star! To put a nice cherry on this cake, it seems all the freaks got together now for a convention on my ship!”

Okay, seriously Chris Rock, you’ve had your fun. Now can you please unpossess Meta Knight before you hurt someone?

Anyway, we then turn back to Fox as he continues his call with General Pepper.

A few seconds of silence followed while the vulpine looked back at the others with emerging bitter tears.

Emerging bitter tears… were they coming out of his asshole? ‘Cause I don’t think those are tears, honey.

Pepper came back in a hoarse voice, “So these two humanoid beings you have that… appeared, at least so you say. You think they have something to do with this?”

“Absolutely,” Fox stated. “The timing was way too perfect to be a coincidence. I also repeat they’re… well, one of them at least, isn’t even from the known galaxy.”

Yes, and that’s evidence… why? You need more than timing, the fact that one of them isn’t from the known galaxy, and a hunch to convince people they’re on your side, especially when they know people who most people would probably know thanks to the cult of celebrity.

Seriously, why the fuck are we pretending that’s a strike against them? It really isn’t!

More silence followed before a raspy cough came through.

“And you say Meta Knight is in fact not responsible? You are sure of this?” He added.

Fox impatiently waited before responding, “We have him with us. I repeat, it was Kirby who saved him and the others from the stadium.”

“Hmm, we will indeed take all that into consideration and the fact that Wolf is involved only worries me further, but Fox, you do realize though that Meta Knight has officially been labeled for this terrorist attack? From our databases, we see it’s showing everywhere on news reports all over the galaxy.”

*frown*

Wait, when did the Subspace Emissary suddenly get political?

Lowering his eyebrows, Fox asked for clarification, “Sir, I don’t quite understand?”

“It is really no surprise; his battleship Halberd was there and was visible for a fifty mile radius.”

General Pepper now seemed more astute over the earpiece.

And you can tell that without seeing his face… how?

“Listen, for his own life’s sake you need to keep him out of any public view until we figure out just what is going on here. I’ve begun organizing an interplanetary meeting with all available officials. Until then, you need to get back to Corneria. Yes, that means bringing the humanoids and the other surviving smashers with you.”

Fox shut his eyes and smiled a bit hysterically.

“We don’t have a way of getting back, sir.” He answered tartly. “None of the Arwings made it. The Great Fox is at the bay’s bottom in smoldering ruins!”

*sigh*

LimeyK, we get it. You’re trying to prove how smart you are. Just… stop. Please. You’re only making a bigger fool of yourself. Stop before you get ahead of yourself.

Pepper again coughed hoarsely before acknowledging, “This I understand Fox, and the moment your signal was lost near the castle I suspected the worst so there is a rescue group en route as we speak with the orders I just said to bring you back. I thought they’d be there already, but hang in there. You’ll know them when you see them.”

Fox perked up somewhat from these words.

“Forgive me, but I have many other calls waiting regarding this disaster.” General Pepper hastily concluded.

“We must interrogate those humanoids right away once they get here. They could very well be the key to this all.”

“Sir, wait!” Fox hurriedly asked a last question before he hung up.

“If you would, tell Krystal I’m alright. She doesn’t know about this… She’s probably watching the news right now.”

This time only a quick hiss of static passed before the final reply.

“I will Fox; just get back here, all of you. Take whatever precautions you feel necessary to keep the humanoid suspects in line. General Pepper out.”

Fox flipped up his earpiece and began walking back over to the others with his tail swaying.

Okay, that wasn’t so bad a conversation. I just wish it hadn’t been related with prose that was clearly trying too hard to sound intelligent and smart.

And also, when the fuck did this story get political? At first it was just plot regurgitation of Subspace Emissary, but now it’s turning into this? And so late, too? I mean, shit, I know this is only the first part of the story, but Chapter 8 is a bit late to introduce a political element like this, no?

*BAM*

Anyway, we then cut back to the rest of the group with another line break. So Fox relates what Pepper just told him to the group, and then…

“This entire attack on Midair Stadium has been blamed on you… since your battleship was present.” Fox continued nonchalantly.

One of the blue star warrior’s yellow eyes must have twitched at least several times.

“Uh oh,” Red quietly warned as they all braced for a real piece of Meta Knight’s mind to explode.

I would suspect napalm. Or an alien. Or perhaps even a scanner. A… Final Destination… death… trap?

Contrarily to everyone’s surprise, he simply lowered his head and threw his short arms up, sighing hopelessly.

“I don’t… You know what? I don’t know what else I expected.” He lowered his head and kicked the ground with his boots.

Um, for you to act in character about it?

Ike then turned and walked a few paces behind everyone before solidly implanting his great sword in the ground.

He kneeled and gazed up at the late afternoon sun, letting the rays beam on his face while closing his eyes and taking a breath.

“Lucina, I make my vow.” He whispered as his headband rose from the gentle breeze.

“I promise I will find you. We will be together again, standing side by side. As for my friends Marth, Roy, and Chrom, I will find them too… and fight for them the same.”

Um, I know Ike fights for his friends and all, but, um… you two kinda just met. I find it a little disturbing that you’re already talking about her as if she’s your one true love.

Oh God, Lucina sang this to him, didn’t she?

Everyone’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by an approaching rumble of engines and squeaking of caterpillar tracks.

The smashers looked to the forest edge a couple hundred yards away to see a pair of Western Frontier tanks roll out, followed by a battalion of infantry.

And they just bowled over all the trees in the forest, ‘cause why the fuck not.

Overhead, a pair of heli-transports flew low and touched down not far in front of the bridge to the now destroyed castle.

Their front cargo doors swung opened as more grunts fanned out.

“Move out, secure the area!” A command came as the battalion spread out while approaching Victor, Andreas, and the others.

Okay, I’m sure that’s all well and good, but what the hell does this have to do with—?

The meadow in front of the castle was secured as Victor gave a nudge to Andreas while quietly exclaiming, “Dude, freaking Battalion Wars.”

Oh, right, of course. Wars. Silly me.

Carry on, then.

Andreas hushed him while nodding briefly.

One of the mortar veterans came forth, moving up his beret.

He identified the still semi wet and rather ragtag looking Star Fox team and held out his hand, smiling.

“You wouldn’t happen to be…?” He started as Fox shook it with gratitude.

“Fox Mcloud, leader of the Star Fox team. So you’re our ticket out of here?”

The mortar vet gave a nod while turning to observe the others, “It would seem that way by order of a General Pepper.”

“Who somehow has jurisdiction over my battalion even though I don’t operate in the Lylat System. Don’t ask, it gives my writer headaches when he tries to imagine the entire spectrum of politics.”

He scanned his eyes along the line at Mario, Luigi, Kirby, Meta Knight, Link, Ike, Red, and Pikachu.

“So this is all of you, huh; the survivors from Midair Stadium? Really though, I’m most surprised that you all survived the crash. We saw the smoke, and the buggers flying away when we were coming so we knew you were close.”

And the Wolfens didn’t engage these guys because…? I mean, I know they’re outnumbered, but hey, given the “visually demanding” nature of the story it didn’t actually establish if they had anti-aircraft units, so we can assume they’re not there. So the Wolfens would’ve had an advantage!

And if they saw the Wolfens, why didn’t you fire? I mean, you’re all armed and shit! You could’ve fired on ‘em, you know?

Fox became slightly sour-eyed while hearing this recount of events.

Sour-eyed? What the hell does that even mean?

Victor meanwhile took a step forward and firmly announced, “No, we’re not the only ones who made it.”

The mortar vet turned to face him and Andreas with some surprise.

“And who are you…?” He asked as the others didn’t know what to reply with either.

Victor went on, “Captain Falcon, DK, Diddy, Yoshi, Mac… Guys, all the others who fell! They must have landed in the water below and are all still somewhere back there!”

*frown*

Okay, just for the record: how far away is the Midair Stadium from Peach’s Castle? Because I’m confused about the geography here. Is the castle close by? It must be, because you describe the stadium as being above water, and “back there”, it must not be that far. But it must not be that close either, because otherwise how far would the Great Fox have travelled?

So can you please disambiguate that? ‘Cause it gets hairy trying to figure that out when there’s nothing established. Or don’t, if you feel like being “visually demanding”.

Mario and the others began nodding slightly in agreement.

Oh great, and now LimeyK is falling into the “slightly” trap, too. Fuck my life…

“We have to find them too!” Victor insisted.

The mortar vet seemed to understand what he was getting at and let out a chuckle, “Looks like this turned into a good old search and rescue mission boys!”

The other grunts began cheering enthusiastically.

“Yay! We now get to sort through debris and viscera and other things like that to find a small amount of people that made it! Wait until I tell my Aunt Jo about this!”

“The orders were to find any remaining survivors anyway, so I guess that fits right in.”

The mortar vet smiled and concluded, “By my reckoning, it looks here like some worlds have collided.”

Victor, Andreas, and the smashers exchanged agreeing glances.

“Now what are we waiting for? Let’s load up!”

Because why not, right?

“Hold it,” Fox imperatively spoke up once more. “Those two here are suspects.”

He pointed darkly at the two human friends, who glanced at each other rather confused.

“By order of General Pepper, take them into custody under my supervision. We can’t have them trying anything more.”

Well, the entire StarFox crew is being played by the Ferguson Police Department, so fuck it, whatever goes, I suppose. Not that it makes it any less headdesk-worthy that he’s essentially ordering an arrest over absolutely fucking nothing, but hey. We gotta get our inter-character conflict from somewhere, don’t we?

*headdesk*

“What? Now wait just a minute!” Victor spoke up in protest as Andreas and the other smashers didn’t know what to do or say either.

The other Star Fox members were also silent in strangely eyeing their leader.

Is it bad that I’m actually siding with Vic on this? I mean, Vic hasn’t technically done anything wrong, and neither has Andreas. Well, okay, Andreas’ case is more debatable, sure, but Vic? Vic’s squeaky clean as far as I’m concerned!

And yes, I mean that even within the context of the fic. ‘Cause Vic isn’t a bad character. Andreas is a dumbass, sure, but Vic? Yeah. And even if Andreas is an idiot, he did stuff more ‘cause he was scared than anything else, and there’s a difference between cutting an arm ‘cause it’s malicious and doing it ‘cause you’re scared.

So y’know what? Sure. I’m with you on Vic, this.

So how is this going to be resolved?

“C’mon, we’re on a tight time table now.” He further pressed.

Even the mortar vet lowered his eyebrows questioningly, but eventually signaled back to some of the grunts waiting around them.

“Fair enough, you heard him boys.”

So they’re getting their asses arrested ‘cause “we don’t have time for this shit”.

Good job, Fox. Good job on becoming an unlikable character.

The grunts subsequently surrounded Victor and Andreas, motioning with their assault rifles for them to begin walking to the heli-transport.

“Alright you two, right this way.”

The two friends reluctantly did so while a crossed armed Fox watched them with a shrouded sense of satisfaction.

The others were watching as the mortar vet also began walking.

“No use waiting here everyone, let’s go.”

With that, all of the smashers proceeded to board the heli-transport.

The doors shut behind them once the final foot was on.

And that ends the chapter. In a boring, boring fashion.

Ugh, how much longer have we got to go?

*peeks ahead*

Oh shit, we only have one more chapter left! Glory Hallelujah! And hey, we’re on the last chapter of that Kamen Rider: Ryuki/Persona crossover, too! So in the next two weeks, we’ll be done with both those things, and we can move on to other, bigger, badder turds of terrible writing!

*does a happy dance*

Well, patrons, that’ll be all for now. I’ll see you guys next time, when we return with the last installment of this fic!

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23 Comments on “1214: The Great Rift – Chapter Eight”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    And what the fuck are you going to do? The Great Fox was on fire, it just crashed through a castle and into a lake, it was pursued by Wolfens… and the Wolfens are airborn. In full combat mode. And also behind a fancy pair of shields.

    On the other hand, you’re just a bunch of guys on the ground, with only your wits and whatever weapons you happen to have on you. Sure, some of you have projectile weapons, but on the whole, you’d have to get really good at jumping in order to land any hits. And what the hell is kicking a Wolfen gonna do, really? I mean, sure, you’ve got Captain Falcon, whose punch has literally vaporized people, but what’s everyone else going to do? Stamp on the wings?

    Well, given that [REDACTED] has caused the Wolvens to retreat, they are probably going to try to rescue the dozens of civilians trapped and bleeding out in the rubble of Toad Castle.

    Seriously, wow. At least in Palaven’s Dogs I was nice enough to have the Normandy aim for a less-populated area when it crash-landed on the Citadel. Limeyk just fucking 9/11’d the Mushroom Kingdom.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh shit, I didn’t even remember that! Yeah, there would be Toads all over Peach’s castle, wouldn’t there?

      *headdesk*

      That just makes this worse!

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Mario ran up and skidded to a stop at the water’s edge as the others caught up and stood beside him.

      From the smoldering wreckage of the Great Fox out in the bay, it was indeed quite a swim to the shore.

      Hello, I said “going to try to rescue the dozens of civilians trapped and bleeding out in the rubble of Toad Castle.”, not “sitting there gawping at the wreckage while five relatively unharmed people make their way to shore”….

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    tiredly took off his helmet, vest, and un-clamped his boots now heavy with water.

    Well, this is certainly going… somewhere……

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “That’s when fatso and long legs came and took your princesses to another castle,

    Great.
    Just when I thought TGR couldn’t sink any lower… memes.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Pepper came back in a hoarse voice, “So these two humanoid beings you have that… appeared, at least so you say. You think they have something to do with this?”

    “Absolutely,” Fox stated. “The timing was way too perfect to be a coincidence. I also repeat they’re… well, one of them at least, isn’t even from the known galaxy.”

    It’s been bothering me for a while that the Nintendo characters don’t seem to recognize what these guys are, despite Pokemon, Fire Emblem, Metal Gear, Metroid, and probably a few other franchises I forgot about in the Nintendo universe having actual biological humans in them. Shouldn’t they just assume Andreas and Victor are crazy homeless people from Hoenn or something?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Okay, that wasn’t so bad a conversation. I just wish it hadn’t been related with prose that was clearly trying too hard to sound intelligent and smart.

    And also, when the fuck did this story get political?

    More importantly, HOW is this political?? I mean, he dropped the push-button word “terrorism” in his story for no good reason so I’m pretty sure political was what he was going for, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what he’s trying to say.

    Apparently Meta Knight is now at the center of a public firestorm because his ship was sighted during the raid on the stadium (although, strangely, the authorities seem perfectly aware that he is innocent and are actively attempting to minimize the possibility of a vigilante attack on him), but… what does that have to do with the September 11th disaster or anything else?
    Does Limey really think he needs to explain to people through allegory that just because US Airways owned (some of? I forget…) the planes that were hijacked, they are not to be held responsible for the whole thing??? Who thinks that?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      It was United Airlines that owned the flight that crashed into the field in Pennsylvania, actually. And I think the other flights were all American Airlines flights, actually.

      Point still stands there, though. Not only did it get political, it got political for no reason. It’s not as bad as, say, the overt Nazi imagery in Beyond Twilight, but it’s still pretty damn nonsensical.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ike then turned and walked a few paces behind everyone before solidly implanting his great sword in the ground.

    Bow chicka bow wow?

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    “We have to find them too!” Victor insisted.

    Find their bodies, you mean.

    Because they just pancaked into a lake at terminal velocity.

    • agigabyte says:

      Cain: There was actua-

      Garrus: Ugh. How many alternate universes have you been to?

      Cain: Well, counting the one where the laws of physics made it no longer an alternate universe while keeping it seperate from this one, seven hundred and thirty three thousand.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    Arriving in front of the bridge to Peach’s castle, Kirby, Luigi, Link, Ike, Red, Pikachu, Mario, Meta Knight, and Victor descended gently on the warp star until they hovered several feet above, allowing all of them to hop off.

    Well… shit. A character blob is starting to accrete.


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