1213: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twenty-Eight, Part One

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Urrggh.  This fic is just sitting on top of my head and squashing it.  And it keeps dragging things out by lobbing longer chapters like this one at me.

“I blame you for this whole fiasco.”

I do too.  Last time well… you know… Meru showed up…  I can’t even bring myself to type it.

“Meru showed up and the author all but broadcast that he really wants to bone her, so he set it up so that his insertion will do just that.  The rest of the chapter was largely inconsequential to watching the author shamelessly drool all over Meru.  She also makes her way into the character blob by showing them that they actually do need her help not only getting into the Valley of Corrupt Gravity, but also navigating it.”

This week, we join them on location back in Feltz, where they have to gain permission from the king to actually visit the Valley of Corrupt Gravity.  They need permission due to the king blocking access in order to protect it from fmarmalfrmmrls.

Chapter XXVIII: Meeting with King Zior

As the group returned to Feltz after a few days of traveling back through the Barrens, Stryfe turned to Albert to ask him a question.

Stryfe: Albert, have you ever met the King of Tiberoa before?

Thanks for treating the audience like morons.  I’m sure we couldn’t possibly have figured out that Stanky wanted to ask a question by him asking the question.

Albert: I think I’ve met him several times when I was little.

Dart: If the king remembers you, then it’ll be quick.

Even if the king doesn’t like kids and thought Albert was annoying?

“The king saying ‘no’ right away is just as fast as him saying ‘yes.'”

Mmmm, fair enough.

Meru: That’s our king! Dignity, huh?

“Wha?  Meru, are you okay?”

It’s quite possible that she’s responding to lines that weren’t properly copied over form the source.

“Seems as likely as anything else, I suppose.”

Albert: I’m not going to reveal my identity. I’m not traveling as the King of Serido. I’m traveling as your companion, and Lavitz’s friend.

Yeah, gods forbid you try to use your station and past contacts to assist in SAVING THE FUCKING WORLD!

“Do they actually know the stakes yet?”

Actually, no. But they know that something critical is happening; enough so that Albert has stepped away from the throne to pursue Lloyd.  This is one of those things that’s in the game in order to force the player through a specific hoop, but it doesn’t really make sense.  Certainly not enough sense to have kept in a fic.

While the group walked to the castle, Meru pulled Stryfe aside, looking as if she had a question on her mind.

Stryfe: Hey, what is it?

Meru: Who is this Lavitz that Albert mentioned?

Stryfe immediately looked down when he heard her ask that.

Yeah, hard one to answer, especially without any established canon on the outlook of the society on homosexuality.

Meru: Stryfe? What is it?

Stryfe: He was…a good friend of ours. Lloyd killed him.

Meru: What!? Oh my! How!? When!?

Stryfe: Just…calm down. I’ll tell you everything, okay?

Meru: Okay.

“Oh please paraphrase or skip this with prose.  I really don’t want to have to sit here while Stanky recaps the plot.”

Stryfe told Meru of how he and Dart met Lavitz back when they went to rescue Shana from Hellena Prison. Telling her every single detail from the very beginning to the last second, Stryfe saw Meru’s facial expression change to one of shock and sadness by the time he was finished.

“Thank you, author, that was briefer than you could have made it.”

Meru: I’m sorry, Stryfe…

Stryfe: It’s alright. You asked, didn’t you?

Meru: I guess I did.

I’m guessing that was supposed to be character development, maybe?

“It had about as much depth and emotional impact as asking about your aunt’s spoon collection.”

Stryfe: Hey, let’s catch up with the other. They’re probably wondering where we are. *chuckles*

Meru: *giggles* Yeah. Gotta ask the king for permission after all!

Stryfe: Heh, yeah.

“See?  Not even the characters really give a shit that they were talking about one of Stanky’s friends being murdered.  They slide right back into giggling at each other like idiots without even a pause.”

What do you mean ‘like‘ idiots?

After they caught up with the rest of the group, they proceeded to the inner areas of the city where the entrance to the Twin Castle of Feltz awaited them.
However, there was a lone guard standing in the middle of the stairway leading to the castle, blocking the group from proceeding further.

One guard.  IMPASSABLE!

“Just like chainlink!”

Been playing Infamous I see.

“Chainlink is my bane!”

Meru: Hey! Can you get out of our way!?

Stryfe: Err, Meru? What are you doing!?

Gate Keeper: No way. No strangers can go through here.

“No one sees the king, not nobody, not no how!”

Cat highfive

Meru: Never!?

Hardly eveeeeeeer!

Gate Keeper: Nope.

Stryfe: Obviously.

Meru: I’m gonna take care of this.

Stryfe: Wha!? Meru!

“She’s gonna try smacking him with the hammer, isn’t she?”

Well, you know, first rule of engineering.  If it don’t work, hit it with a hammer.

Meru tried ramming into the guard, only to be pushed back onto the ground in a very comedic fashion.

That’s Meru for you.

“Luckily she’s small and sexy so she can get away with it, right?”

Pretty much.

Stryfe facepalmed as Meru got up.

“Here, let me help with that.”


Meru: Oww!

Stryfe: What were you thinking?

Gate Keeper: You can’t enter the castle by doing something like that.

Well, if you were Kongol it would probably have worked.

“This fic needs more Kongol in general.”

Well, only if you want him totally ruined.

“Fair point.  I hope the fic ends before Kongol joins up.”

Meru: Hey, big belly! Why can’t you let us in!? Hey Al, can you do something about-

Stryfe quickly put his hand over Meru’s mouth. As she mumbled and muffled, Stryfe looked at her straight in the eyes and shook his head at her.

Stryfe: (Not a good idea!)

Meru: *Muffled* Aw! Come on, Stryfe!

I’m of two minds about this one.  On one hand, Stanky is being awfully physical with somebody that just joined the team.  On the other, she’s barreling quickly toward getting all of them thrown in the dungeon.  I guess I’ll let this one go as another moment where it could have been better, but also way worse.

Dart: I…think I’ll handle this.

Dart walked over to the guard while Stryfe kept Meru restrained.


Dart: There’s really no way you can let us in?

“Well, there are a lot of ways he could let you in.  But I’m betting he’s been ordered to not do any of them.”

Gate Keeper: There are a lot of bandits walking around. I was told to never let anyone in.

“See?  Dude knows what he’s doing.”

Shana: Can we at least send a message to the king?

The gate keeper suddenly became droopy-eyed upon seeing Shana.

Gate Keeper: You are…Pretty…

“Well.  Fuck.  This is gonna be on of those kinds of encounters, isn’t it?”

Shana: Wh, What did you say?

Gate Keeper: Oops! I’m on duty. Sorry, no strangers allowed.

“Oh, maybe it isn’t going there.  Still, not the smoothest operator, but at least he can focus on his job.”

As Dart and the others walked back to Stryfe and Meru, Stryfe slowly let go of his grip on her mouth.

About time, asshole.

Meru: What are we gonna do?

Stryfe: Well, we can’t cause a scene. That wouldn’t bode well for us.

I really don’t know what to do when Stanky makes sense.

“I recommend drinking.”  *Hands over a flask*

*Takes a swig* I’d say we should drink until the fic seems good, but only one of us is likely to survive that, and I’m not the super-soldier.

Dart: Let’s just leave for now.

Albert: A sober judgement.

How.  How do you flat-out copy the game script and still manage to misspell words that were originally spelled correctly!?

Just as the group began to leave, the gate guard suddenly called out to them.

Gate Guard: If you can find someone who can vouch for you, I will allow you inside!

Stryfe: Vouch?

“You know, somebody in power with an established reputation.  Like a mayor, governor, or king.”

If only they knew somebody like that!

Dart: Isn’t there anyone here we know that has royal connections?


Albert: What about Fester? He said he was the governor of Princess Lisa.

Stryfe: That might work! Let’s go see if he’s home!

Okay, so wrong kind of governor, and you’re missing the more obvious choice, but sure.  Whatever.

Heading back downtown, the group noticed that there was a note on Fester’s door, saying that he had gone shopping.

How has this guy not been robbed!?

“You said he had nothing worth stealing.”

Oh, right.  Yeah, that’s gotta be it.

Heading to the shopping district of the town, the group searched the shops until Stryfe found Fester negotiating a fair price for some fresh fruit and vegetables.

Yeah, making sure this meeting takes place in the market rather than at his house adds a ton to the fic.

Fester: Hmm…it’s a little expensive. If I curtail food…

Reminds me of my decision making process in college when a sweet new game came out.

Stryfe: Fester?

Fester: Hmm? Oh, Stryfe. Are you looking for something?

Stryfe: Actually, me and my friends are looking for you. We need your help.

Fester: Oh? I see. I’d like to help, but I’m a little busy right now.

He’s trying to weigh the benefits of getting Disgaea over having to eat Top Ramen for the next two weeks.

I’ll be done soon, though. I just need to get some research materials on star.


“I didn’t know they did research materials.”

I have to look in a couple more stores before I’ll be done. When I’m finished, I’ll be available.

Stryfe: Very well.

As Fester left, Stryfe rendezvoused with the rest of the group and told them of what Fester was doing currently. After waiting a bit at the bar where Kaffi worked at, they noticed that Fester was returning to his home. Finishing up their drinks, the group immediately went to Fester’s house to tell him of the situation, and how he could help them.

Pretty presumptuous to be telling Fester how he’s supposed to help them.  He doesn’t even owe them a favor or anything.

“Presumption is Stanky’s middle name.”

Fester: So the Gehrich Gang has stolen something precious to you, Dart. And you all plan to venture directly into their hideout to get it back.

Stryfe: That’s the jist of it.

“Seems more than just a jist.  That’s pretty much the whole story minus the words ‘Dragoon Spirit’ swapped in for ‘something precious’.”

Dart: It’s not just something precious to me. It’s more than that.

Why are we splitting hairs here, Dart?  He gets that it’s really important, why drive the nail even further in the board if it’s already in?

Meru: We’re gonna rescue Lynn, too!

Ohhh.  He meant it wasn’t just the thing they were getting, but also saving a person.  This is why vagueness isn’t your friend, author.  Granted, there’s no way Fester is going to know who Lynn-

Fester: Err, who?

Right, that.

Stryfe: Lynn is the son of the mayor of Donau. He ventured forth into the gang’s hideout alone to negotiate with them.

Fester: I see. I understand. Shall we go to the castle?

Letting Fester lead the way, the group slowly followed him back to the castle stairs.

“There is a bit of urgency here, guys.  If this is as fast as Fester goes, maybe one of you should be carrying him or something.”

After Fester vouched for them, the guard let them pass and travel up the stairs, opening the main entrance to the Twin Castle. By the time they had entered the main hall of the castle, it was already nightfall.

No need to hurry or anything, guys.  Plenty of time to see the sights as you head up there.  I’m sure Lynn isn’t being tortured or anything.  He’s most likely still alive, too!  Probably.

Stryfe looked around in amazement as they continued walking from the entrance to the main throne room on the third floor of the castle, as the internal structure was even bigger than that of Bale Castle. Leading the group to the throne room, Fester kneeled before the ruler of Tiberoa, King Zior.

The group was quick to follow, not wanting to show disrespect.

“Hey, they’re finally doing something quickly!  The difference here is that the king is actually important, so he gets some hustle out of the blob.”

Fester: I am here, your Majesty.

The king got up from his throne.

“But why are you here!?  You’re my daughter’s tutor, not a courtier!”

King Zior: Fester! Please take care of my dear Lisa for today! By the way, I think I’m having a problem with my eyes. I see many Festers.

“Umm, what?”

The king might drink.  A lot.

Stryfe felt like faceplanting the floor when he heard King Zior say that.

And I feel like facegonging him whenever he decides to attempt visual based humor in a written work.


“Got it covered.”

Fester: King Zior…there is only one me. These people are my friends, your Majesty.

King Zior: Oh? *squints a bit* Oh, indeed! And, what is their request?

“Hey, jerk, he isn’t drunk, he’s nearsighted.  You think you’d be more sympathetic, being nearsighted.”

But, you see, I’m also drunk.

“I thought you weren’t playing the drinking game.”

I lied.

The group got up upon King Zior acknowledging their presence.

Albert: We are here to request permission to enter the Valley of Corrupted Gravity.

King Zior: Hmm…Fester…I think I’ve heard of this “Valley of Corrupted Gravity”…

Yes, sire, we used to drink there.  Well, used to, until that one party.  Nobody really remembers anything after the moment we decided to try tequila kegstands.  Apparently we had a hell of a night because gravity doesn’t really work there anymore.

No longer able to take the stupidity, Stryfe facepalmed himself so hard that it left a bright red hand print on his face for a bit.

“Here, let me help you with that.”


Actually, I’m going to count this.  Thinking it’s okay to be this insufferable in front of a king is definitely a Stu trait.


Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 47

“He should get another if nobody asks him to leave the room for being this flagrantly disrespectful.”

Meru: Stryfe!?

Stryfe: Ouch…

Dart: Just try not to do that again, Stryfe. We don’t wanna show disrespect.

I think we should cherish this as the closest anyone is going to get to calling Stanky on his bullshit.

Stryfe: Yeah, I know. Just the idiocy is just…

“Hey, kettle, I’ve got a pot that wants to have a word with you.”


Also, for actually saying that in front of the king, you get another, asshole.


Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 48

Fester: King Zior…your ears are fine too. These people need to talk to the Gehrich Gang so they need to get into the Valley of Corrupted Gravity.

If the king’s ears are fine, then he should be ordering Stanky out of the room.  Of course, he isn’t because:


Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 49

Sweet crap, can this character get any more unlikable?

“Oh, he certainly-”

It was rhetorical.  I was there for Jedi’s Destiny, Gabriel Hawke, and Prayer Warriors.  I know that the bar is so much lower than this two-bit douchey twerp.

King Zior: Well, the other day, a young man named Lynn came to me for the same reason. It seems to be becoming a daredevil trend nowadays.

“He isn’t wrong.”

Stryfe: We’re not going there for a picnic.

Pay attention, moron, he wasn’t suggesting you were!  He said ‘daredevil trend’ not ‘mild spring luncheon.’

“Obviously you’ve never been to a lion clan picnic.”

I don’t foresee that changing, either.

King Zior: You understand all the risks, then?

Everyone in the group silently nodded, causing King Zior to give off a really carefree smile.


Carbon Copy Syndrome: 82

“Why is everyone in this fic emitting expressive radiation all the time?”

King Zior: So be it! Servant! Bring the pass for them!

A knight walked up to each of the group, handing them passes that would allow them passage into the Valley of Corrupted Gravity. As Stryfe took the small card, he opened one of his belt pockets and put it safely inside.

“Question: Why do they need these passes?”

Well, because the Valley of Corrupt Gravity is off limits.

“And that has prevented the gang from entering it?”

Hmm, okay, the real reason is that the group is lawful stupid.

King Zior: Just be careful.

Stryfe: We will.

Dart: We all appreciate this, your Majesty.

Except Stanky, of course.  He’s too distracted with thinking up new ways to insult the king’s intelligence.

King Zior: It’s late already. Why don’t you all relax in the castle for the time being?

“Lynn will probably be okay.  The chance that they would kill him is very small in the grand scheme of things. Barely a one in five chance; if that.”

Stryfe: Well, I am pretty tired.

Dart: I guess that’s a yes.

Yup, no need to hurry.  Nope, no sir.

Anyway, I think we’re calling it here for the week.  We’re about halfway through and I’m running short of time to do more this week.  We’ll finish up this chapter next week, where we’ll be treated to their royal slumber party.

“Ooooh, goody.”

Until next week, patrons!


18 Comments on “1213: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twenty-Eight, Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Telling her every single detail from the very beginning to the last second, Stryfe saw Meru’s facial expression change to one of shock and sadness by the time he was finished.

    Well, that was pretty much our response to reading The Eighth Spirit too.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Well, you know, first rule of engineering. If it don’t work, hit it with a hammer.

    If it still don’t work, add WD40 and repeat.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Note that this method is highly discouraged in computer science and programming.

      You should ask to be allowed to program the entire OS in Perl instead, because pointers are hard.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “It had about as much depth and emotional impact as asking about your aunt’s spoon collection.”

    Which is… a lot of emotional impact, actually.

    I still get nightmares from time to time, almost four years later.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Why are we splitting hares here, Dart?


    If you’re going to split hares, at least set up a proper operating theater first.

  5. “Question: Why do they need these passes?”

    Well, because the Valley of Corrupt Gravity is off limits.

    “And that has prevented the gang from entering it?”

    Hmm, okay, the real reason is that the group is lawful stupid.

    Well, it is Valley of Corrupt Gravity, after all. You need to prove to the gravity that you know somebody important or slip it some cash on the side, otherwise you might “accidentally” end up weighing eighty thousand kilos or accelerating up into space.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh dear…

    This place is called the “Valley of Corrupt Gravity”, and Stryper’s enormous throbbing “Space-Bound” Dragoon Spirit lets him control gravity…

    I foresee ham-handedly inserted Stu antics in our future.

  7. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Shana: Can we at least send a message to the king?

    The gate keeper suddenly became droopy-eyed upon seeing Shana.

    Gate Keeper: You are…Pretty…

    Shana used Attract!

    Gate Keeper is infatuated!

  8. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Quick question: How do you insert images here?

  9. Tie Dye Mage says:

    One guard. IMPASSABLE!

    “Just like chainlink!”

    Been playing Infamous I see.

    “Chainlink is my bane!”

    I hear ya. I’ve had the same problem with small trees and shrubs.

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