1212: Hammer Effect- Chapters 23, 24, 25, 26 & 27

Title: Hammer Effect
Author: Kamzil118
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)/ Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL:  Chapter 23, 24, 25, 26, 27
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

(Whoop, posted this early by accident.  Crap.  Wanted to let it sit so I could scan it for typos in the morning.  Ah well.  Enjoy!)

Ert: How the hell are his chapters getting even SHORTER!? How the fuck is this even possible!? I feel like I’ve stumbled onto some sort of singularity. His stories suck so much that they’re collapsing under the density of all the stupidity they’re trying to support.

Only in Death does Duty end

Nora: This is usually a saying in the Imperium to point out how service to the Imperium and the Emperor makes up a soldier’s entire life. A quote that commonly goes with it is “Even a man who has nothing can still offer his life.” Yes, 40k is very grim dark like that. Also I’m usually ok with authors trying to make 40k lighten up a bit by having some hope, but I would like to make the author remember that in 40k the Imperium is supposed to be besieged on all sides by numerous foes and is barely hanging on. He seems to have forgotten that.


Saren was inside of and underground bunker as he observed the Geth units carrying boxes and equipment from a high platform. Then he opened his omni-tool to see what alerted them. He looked into the data and saw that the humans were already on Tuchanka with a military base placed.

Shepard: There’s something wrong when the most interesting thing the Geth have done in a long time is carrying boxes. The stealth Geth from last chapter don’t count because they hadn’t actually done anything yet. Also, when was it established that they were alerted? You need to establish stimuli before people can react to them. I can’t just say “Lt. Stu punched the Daemon in the face” without first establishing that there was actually a Daemon in the area. Also I would never say that because that’s an idiotic thing to say.

“Damn them.” He said. Before he made any orders. “Get that equipment to Virmire. I want them to use what credits could buy.” He said to a Geth trooper in front of him. “Also, use my funds to hire some mercenaries along the way. I want to stall their search.” Then the Geth trooper made his way out of the bunker.

Ert: Wait. Virmire was where Saren was researching his Genophage cure in the games…launching an invasion of Tuchanka and then going off to make sure Saren can’t cure the Genophage and get the support of the Krogan seems a little ass backwards. I think he’s gonna get the support of the Krogan either way now because Humans are being dicks to them.

. . .

By the time the defenses were done, General Siegfried made a quick inspection by walking through the trenches and going through a zig maze only to see that it was highly defensible in very little time. Although he had seen better, it was good enough to hold the enemy back for some time. Then he had arrived at the frontline trench that had a gooy.d view of a barren wasteland in front of him as he scanned at the area that he saw.

Shepard: Correct me if I’m wrong, but the logistics behind digging up a complex system of trenches, no doubt adding additional defenses such as barbed wire, machine-gun placements and choke points, would take some time. At the very least half a day. And it’d probably be a rather slap dash system if you do it that fast.

“Good, I want heavy bolters to have a decent field of fire,” He said to the Guardsmen that were there.

Nora: Oh thank goodness, Lt. Stu wants his heavy weapons to have a decent field of fire. As opposed to be obvious and tempting alternative of giving them a bad field of fire. Here’s an idea author, when you have Lt. Stu gives orders, give him something of substance to say. Like “I want gun emplacements on either side of this ridge so we can form a choke point” or “I want a platoon to lie in with here so they can flank the enemy from the side.” Not stupidly obvious ones like “The heavy weapons should be able to hit things.” That’s like saying “Soldiers kill.” People already knew that.

As he stepped down from the firing block, he heard a screamer be deployed on this side of the trenches. Siegfried stepped back up to see Krogans and Geth troopers coming his. However, they were coming in the thousands. “Men, time to kill.” He said in a monotone voice as he headed back to the safety of the support trench.

Ert: Why is he speaking in a monotone voice? Oh right, because the Death Korps is supposed to be emotionless. I say supposed because that’s a rule that Lt. Stu has most certainly not been following, and to do it now feels like too little way too fucking late.

From there, he watched the thousands of Krogan mercenaries charge from a three mile gap that lay between them.

Nora: A three mile charge? At trenches? With no vehicles? I know Tuchanka can be a little ass backwards but you’d think that Krogan would have some tactics a little more advanced than what you’d expect out of WW I.

Then Siegfried saw his men rush to the frontline trenches with the first line of men on the firing blocks aiming their weapons downrange. At the same time, there were heavy bolters and auto cannons placed on the high ground behind it. Then the Basilisks began to fire a barrage onto the designated zones that they targeted, only to result with dozens of Krogan mercs being killed in a blink of an eye.

Ert: WAIT! The Krogan charged and THEN the men went to their defensive positions? The point of having trenches is that you put soldiers in them and have them defend the area. If they’re not in those positions, a surprise assault could devastate them. What would you have done if the Krogan didn’t decide to make a three mile charge?

As they got in range of the frontline trenches, the Guardsmen on the firing block began to fire in volleys as the heavy weapons teams fired away. After ten minutes of volley fire, the guardsmen fired at will. Unleashing high powered las shots that landed on the armor or faces of the Krogan horde. When a power pack in the lasgun was used, any guardsmen who had to reload stepped down as another guardsman took his place. Rounds from the auto cannons fired a slow yet accurate burst of shells into the Krogans that were getting close.

Shepard: Another “The Imperium is totally awesome and killing everyone that they fight,” paragraph. We’ve been getting a lot of those.

“Get any available armor to flank around the enemy.” He ordered to a messenger while he gave a small nod to the general. “As for the Baneblades, leave them where they are.”

“Yes sir.” Acknowledged the Krieger.

Ert: Question. How are those tanks going to be flanking the enemy? They clearly weren’t placed in a position where that they could do that before the battle started. So is there an opening in the trench systems where they can drive through without crushing a few dozen soldiers? If that’s the case, WHY AREN’T THE KROGAN ATTACKING THERE!?

The general watched the battlefield become violent

Nora: Oh, just now?

when the Krogans reached the trenches under fire. As for the Geth, he noticed that they were not as numerous as he expected. However, he kept his eye on the small fact that they were doing something far more tactical than these xenos.

Ert: Smaller than expected. Because God forbid Lt. Stu is actually challenged or anything.

When the Krogans reached the trenches, the guardsmen pulled out their bayonets and shovels only to get into the viciousness of close-quarters. Although the Krogans were enjoying their preferred environment, the training of the Kriegers with the knowledge the trenches gave them an advantage.

Shepard: Bayonets and shovels. Tell me Lt. Stu, exactly what do you think bayonets and shovels are going to do to Krogan? Close quarters is exactly the last place you want to be with a Krogan. They’re much stronger than Humans and they can take more punishment. The Death Korps are actually at a disadvantage here.

Nora: Shhhh, author is masturbating to the thought of the Death Korps.

However, due to the numbers of the Krogans, guardsmen were forced to fall back to their secondary positions. “It’s time that I take my leave.” Stated Siegfried.

Nora: Only numbers and not the fact that they were on favorable terms. Also notice how no Death Korps deaths are described.

The general walked out of the support trenches as he saw a Griffon fire mortar shells from its hull down position. When he turned to his right he was about to move ahead only to see twelve Geth troopers in the trenches shooting anyone in the support trench. Then they saw Siegfried’s mask as they pressed forward. Soon the Kriegsman placed both of his hands inside of his trench coat while his eyes glared at the AIs.

Ert: Is there anything special about Lt. Stu’s mask? Also, oh goodie, Lt. Stu is going to be “awesome” again. I’ll warm up the counter.

. . .

Saren was watching a Geth trooper find the general all alone in the trenches as he made a single command to them. “I want him dead or alive. Dead, if he is such pain to our ascension.” He heard some sort of static response making Saren grin.

Ert: Oh yeah, because Lt. Stu is SO IMPORTANT U GUYZ! He’s awesome and handsome and a ladies man and the baddies are unstoppable without him!

. . .

Siegfried pulled out a plasma pistol and a bolter pistol from his trench coat as he stepped forward into their path. The Geth fired their rounds, but Siegfried fired his charge plasma weapon at the Geth, only to see three troopers explode violently.

Nora: I guess the Geth bullets just disappeared into thin air.

His bolter rounds detonated when they were past the few bodies of the Geth causing the unit to break down. At the same time, Siegfried received fire only to have the rounds go through his coat and go past him.

Ert:…Fuck you.

Ert: Why don’t you just right “Lt. Stu should be dead but I’m bending reality so that he doesn’t die because he’s my pwecious Stu and I can’t bring myself to hurt him because I don’t know what tension means and I just want to talk about how awesome MY ORIGINAL CHARACTER is (Do not steal)”

He fired away and the last Geth trooper exploded and burned away from the bolter rounds and the plasma’s heat.

Shepard: Triple ding. One for killing all of the Geth and a double for the nonsense with his coat.

(Gary Stu Counter: 40)
. . .

Saren was shocked at what he saw, the human had managed to take on a dozen Geth units in one go and that was with two hand guns. “Spirits damn that man.” He said to the masked soldier that passed by a Geth unit that was about to ‘die’ out, but there was voice in his head.

“Saren, you must leave. The cycle will not wait for no one.” Stated Sovereign.

Ert: Who the Hell is Sovereign? Oh I know, but authors can’t just throw in characters out of the blue without establishing them just because they’re well known. So who is Sovereign?

“It’s just that this human is making it harder as it is for me to kill him.”

“Wait, he is revealing information to us that could be proved useful.”

“How is watching him destroy my Geth be useful?”

“He is revealing his abilities to reveal himself. Now go, time is short.” Saren growled as he began to walk out of the bunker.

Nora: Revealing his abilities to reveal himself, oh for God’s sake. Some people just string together random words in an attempt to sound smart. Either that or Sovereign puts a lot of stock into knowing how Lt. Stu makes an entrance.

. . .

Siegfried joined the fight alongside his men as he had his power sword out in one hand and a laspistol in the other.

Ert: I’m still trying to figure out how many Gorram pistols Lt. Stu has. It’s a losing battle I’m fighting.

He fired three lasbolts into two Krogans that were about to charge into him in the trenches, only to see them fall to the ground. Then he saw three guardsmen push a Krogan back with their bayonets at the ready. Siegfried turned to his left to see a guardsmen get wounded by a single shot of a shotgun that a Krogan. As the Krogan turned away, the guardsman picked himself up and fired a Hellgun into the back of the creature.

Nora: Three shots for two Krogan? Bull. Three Guardsmen pushing back a single Krogan with bayonets? Plausible. A single shot to the back killing a Krogan? Only if it was to the head. Even if it was a Hellgun.

When the fighting was getting fierce than Siegfried expected, he noticed that the engineers were deploying their corrosion gas grenades, tearing away at the armor the Krogans used. A vox operator with a lascarbine fought his way to the general, only to receive his attention. “Sir, the armored units are flanking their forces. What do you want me to say?”

Shepard: Considering how tough Krogan biology is, corroding their armor isn’t something that wants to help a lot. You need to either shred their organs to pieces or just go for headshot.

“Encircle the enemy.”

Nora: Any reason he didn’t tell them to do this earlier?

“Understood.” Before the operator could even go onto his vox box that was attached to his back, Siegfried spoke.

“Also inform the Baneblade crews to deploy.”

Ert: And they were just sitting there because potatoes.

When the Leman Russ tanks surrounded the Krogans and the Geth units that were there, they began to tighten the encirclement by moving in and firing their way into the Krogan forces that were dying in droves. Suddenly the ground shook, only for Siegfried to know. The Baneblades appeared onto the battlefield from an underground tunnel that was weak enough for the Baneblades to break.

Ert: WHAT!? When the fucking Christ did they dig tunnels to hide BANEBLADES!? And how are they hiding under the surface in a hastily constructed tunnel without it collapsing! AND IF THE WORDS TACTICAL GENIUS ARE UTTERED I WILL FLIP!

(Gary Stu Counter: 41)

This resulted in having the heavy super tanks rise from the ground and have its treads land on top of the Krogans in the way. The tank drove forward and began to unleash the eleven barrels of hell onto the Krogans.

Nora: Then things happened. All you need to know is that Humans are awesome. Yes, humans with trenches, artillery and tanks can beat a pure infantry charge. Aren’t you impressed?

. . .

At the end of the ‘skirmish’

Shepard: dictonary.com. noun
Military. a fight between small bodies of troops, especially advanced or outlying detachments of opposing armies.

Shepard: This was the bulk of both forces clashing and thousands of soldiers is hardly a small body. This was not a skirmish.

the losses were at the minimum for the Kriegsman while the mercs and the Geth units were wiped out on the spot.

Ert: Because drama and tension makes the author’s dick soft.

Siegfried climbed out of the trenches to speak to a colonel staring at the direction that the Krogans and the Geth came from.

“Colonel, send a detachment to find if there is anything worth of value in the direction that the enemy came from.” Asked Siegfried.

Ert: You mean you don’t know? If there’s nothing of value over there, how come you set up your base of operations here!?

“Yes sir. I will report it to you at the end of the day.”

“Good.” Then Siegfried walked away from the scene while the Kriegsmen bodies were being gathered by the Quartermasters.

Author’s Note: Whew, that was the most intense amount of typing for a single battle that I did there. Well, see you all in the next chapter.

Nora: Most intense amount of typing you ever did for a single battle? Well. That’s depressing.

Witch Warfare

The Citadel

Farseer Lofn walked out the door of the embassy as she was irritated by the grumbling of her stomach. However, she sensed that there were two people following her. Luckily, she was a psyker.

Ert: We figured that out Captain Obvious.

She came to a restaurant that had a Catachan give out cooked Grox meat to the xeno and Imperial customers that were coming into his store. At the same time there was a commissar standing in the back of the room staring at everyone. Even though the Citadel species knew very little of the commissars of humanity, they were still scary for them.

Nora: You’d think that a Commissar would be out on the front lines where he would actually be useful. Their job is to keep morale up (Sometimes in a happiness is mandatory kind of way) and that’s not really needed in a non-combat zone.

Lofn found a table close to the commissar while she had a Catachan walk up to her. The farseer looked to see a human who had been under the sun for too long, wearing a sleeve-less jacket that showed his muscles covered by scars. Around his head was a red headband that was recognizable to any non-Catachan.

Shepard: The way you said that implies Catachans wouldn’t recognize the bandana, even though they’re the ones who wear it. What’s wrong with “recognizable to anyone?”

“What would you like to order?” He said in an irritated and deep voice. Probably because of the fact that he staring down at an Eldar waiting for her meal.

“What do you have?”

“At the moment, we have Grox meat and Devilfish.”

“Devilfish.” The Catachan walked away with a pencil and a notepad as he walked into the kitchen.

Ert: The only thing about Devilfish I can find in 40k is a Tau armored troop transport. So…

Then two Batarians took their seats right in front of Farseer Lofn.

Nora: Slaver/rapists. Calling it now.

“I know what you are here for.” Stated Lofn. The two chuckled. One of them that sat from the left of her spoke up.

“Good, now I suggest that you come with me if you want to live.” Before she could speak, she noticed his hand under the table.

“What makes you think I will do such a thing?”

“You Eldar would make me a fortune if you weren’t such bitches.” The other one chuckled.

Nora: This author is pathetically predictable. Also, Mass Effect authors. Stop making Batarians automatically evil.

Ert: Also, hur hur. I’m going to kidnap an insanely powerful Psyker and make money off of her with no drawbacks cuz I evil. Hur hur.

“Don’t make this harder on yourself.” Farseer Lofn did not respond. Instead she pulled out her hand shocked the Batarian on the left with storm of lightning that fried his body. At the same time, the other Batarian pulled out his shotgun. However, a Catachan behind the counter pulled out a knife and threw it into the back of the Batarian’s head. Then he came over with the cooked Devilfish on a plate.

Shepard: Figures. Lt. Stu can shoot up twelve Geth but when confronted with two Batarian slavers Lofn is only allowed to kill one. Granted a cook idly killing someone in his restaurant with a knife to the face is a rather neat idea, this isn’t the place for it.

Ert: *Scribbles down*

“Here you go.” He said calmly. For the Citadel species that were around the scene they were shocked to see how they were so used to such violents. At the same time, C-Sec arrived on the scene to see the farseer eating her meal while grabbing the attention of the human staff that found her without her warmask on.

Nora: Yeah, when does Han Solo say “Sorry about the mess.”

A Turian came up to her and began to ask. “Ma’am, you’re going to come with us.” He said.

“Let me finish.” Replied Lofn.

C-Sec Detention

Shepard: I guess we just assume they let her eat her food.

“Why exactly am I here?” She asked of the Turian that was leading her through the prisons full of Batarians, Quarians, and possibly a few Turians.

“You have disturbed the public with violence.”

Ert: The guy with the knife though, he asked the Council first, so he’s ok.

Nora: C-Sec is made up of idiots because they’re Council and the Council are all idiots. Because 40k needs to be better than anyone or the author might feel insecure.

“Well it was that or accept that I may become their slave.”


“You heard me, Turian. I killed them because they were slavers.” The Turian confronted her as she had her sword on one side and her Shuriken pistol on the other of her hip.

Shepard: So they took her in for questioning and didn’t disarm her?

Ert: The Council isn’t allowed to tie their shoes properly. You think they would’ve identified the situation before arresting someone.

“If they were slavers, wouldn’t you have reported them to C-Sec?”

“Not when it happens to be an important leader to the Eldar.”

Nora: Yeah, I just let their bodies rot while I enjoy my meal.

“A leader? Who are you then?”

“I am Farseer Lofn of Craftworld Ulthwe and I happen to be an ally to General Siegfried.”

“The human general? Then show me proof that you two are allies.” Then the Turian heard a voice inside his head.

Nora: Yeah! You could just be some other alien from outside the Council that knows who Lt. Stu is!

‘Do not waste my time Garrus Vakarian.’ Whispered Lofn. ‘I am not in the mood to answer your doubtful questions.’ At that moment, Garrus was disturbed by what happened to him.

“What did you just do?” Demanded the Turian.

“I entered your mind.”

“You mind-melded with me?”

“No, do not confuse the Asari’s method of entering a mind with mine.” Answered Lofn. “Now, let’s talk about what happened to your executor.”

Shepard: I guess they need to make that sub-plot matter somehow, no matter how contrived the manner in which they do it is.

“You know about him?” Behind Lofn’s warmask, she rolled her eyes.

‘This thing if far more primitive than the mon-keigh.’ She said in her thoughts. “I did read your mine.”

Ert: Why does everyone who write stories like this think emulating Javik is a good idea?

“What did you want to know about him?”

“He said that he was working for Saren, correct.”

“Yes…” Then Garrus thought for a moment. “Oh, wait he was the one that attacked Eden Prime. You’re going right after him.” Lofn gave a slight nod. “Well, we have his things in the evidence room. I believe I can help you with whatever he has there.”

“Good, I believe that this will be necessary.”

Nora: We know Saren did it, a military invasion has been launched for the purpose of taking him down. Getting evidence about what he did seems a too little too late here.

Author’s Note: Sorry for having another short one. I still need a break from this story to help me think how this story should go. So please do not hate me.

Ert: It needs to end and die. And your chapters aren’t just short, they’re pathetically short. Nothing happens in them.



The doors exploded with Grenadiers charging into the breach with their hellguns while the Geth troopers were gunned down. Although there were casualties in taking the underground complex, the positives outweighed the negatives. General Siegfried entered the entrance as he noticed the fallen machines of the Geth troopers.

Ert: Not only does this story refuse to let the Death Korps suffer any major casualities (Which is annoying enough on its own but it becomes doubly baffling when you remember the Death Korps WANT to die) it keeps rubbing it in our face.

“Take the rest of the complex.” He ordered.

Nora: Oh the rest of the base? We were going to just leave this one alone. Lt. Stu feels like a formality at this oint.

With only a second, guardsmen and Grenadiers were pouring into the complex Siegfried went into.

However, there were hidden devices in every area of the complex. Explosions were detonated and Siegfried heard the explosions from the far end of the complex coming towards the opening in quick succession.

Shepard: But causalities were light.

“Get out.” The Death Korps began to run out of the breach while Siegfried saw most of his men out; however, when there was a platoon size left. The complex collapsed on him and the rest of the men that were not quick enough to escape the explosive trap. Siegfried looked up to see a flat piece of concrete land on him.

Shepard: Huh. Saren actually did something smart. I didn’t think he’d be allowed to do that because it’d make Lt. Stu look bad by comparison.

The Citadel

Farseer Lofn sensed a strange feeling within her, but it was hard to explain it in words.

Ert: Try harder author, it’s your job to let the reader know what the hell is going on.

Then her mind went back to reality, only to find herself in the cars being driven by the Turian detective.

“Something bothering you?” He asked.


Nora: He seems to think it’s the author’s job to waste the reader’s time.

Then she remembered the fact that earlier, there were Turians and Batarians paid to kill Garrus and Lofn. Luckily, her psyker powers were what saved them…at the time. “Where are we going?”

Shepard: I guess we didn’t see that because it involved someone other than Lt. Stu being productive.

“Chora’s Den, it’s a bar. I managed to take a look into their omni-tools and found out that these mercs came from that place.”

“Why would we go there?”

“It’s our best and only lead at the moment. At the same time, I don’t want to deal with mercs every single time we are close.”

Ert: I don’t want to deal with mercs, so lets go to the place the mercs came from. On a side note, that evidence? You gonna do anything about that?

“If that is the case. Then we shall head there.”

Ert: Guess not.

Author’s Note: This scene is teetering on the edge of heresy. BLAM!

Commissar: Heretic.

Author: I am not heretic.

Commissar: Kill him, he must not live.

Author: (Runs out of the window) I’m not going to make lemons fic! (Echoes out of a thirteen story building)

Nora: *Sigh* Look! The author is being quirky!

Dangerous Dreams


General Siegfried laid his back on the ground while he watched the stuck grey concrete that lay upon him.

Ert: Is it doing anything interesting?

He thanked the fact that he was still alive,

Nora: Well I’m glad one of us is happy.

but at the same time he hated the fact that it would take some time to get dug out. Of all his options he head, he began to sleep well while he heard faint sounds of drills being used.

[Taylor Swift-Wonderstruck] (Don’t know why, but I found it fitting for this scene)

Ert: Maybe it’s because you couldn’t get us to give a shit on your own.

As he slept, the first detail that shocked him was Farseer Lofn in a golden human dress. Then he noticed that she had her raven hair down on her shoulders while she gave a small smile to the general in his own mind. Siegfried noticed her pointy ears while she came forward to greet him.

Shepard: Why is it that a man and a woman can be put together on the sole basis that they’re a man and a woman who spend time together? Is there any reason that romantic build up doesn’t happen?

In the dream, he found himself wearing the standard grey uniform with a red sash coming from his left shoulder and heading downwards.

Ert: This is worth point out why?

The colors of gold were on the edges of his uniform while he had the symbol of the Aquila placed on the collar. His sword was tied to his left and he found himself in a room full of many other high ranking men and women dancing together with the golden light coming from above.

“Would you like to have this dance?” She asked while Siegfried was speechless at the Eldar’s request.

[End Song]

Nora: Yeah, that emotional connection that doesn’t exist between these two really gets established well with that great big “End Song” breaking the non-existent flow of this story.

However, the dream slowly faded away from the general when he slowly woke up to see the concrete slab pulled out from over him. Returning his mind back into the reality of his mask.

Shepard: This author has an odd fixations with masks.

He shook the dream out of his head as an engineer came down to get a rock off of the general’s leg.

Ert: How is he alive again?

“Sir, we managed to find only you and three others.” Reported the engineer while there were two more using their drills to break into the other areas of the complex. General Siegfried pulled himself out of the hole and struggled to keep himself up while he looked around to see a camp surrounding the entrance of the bunker complex.

“If we can’t get the men in less than three hours, they are dead.” Stated the general.

Nora: And for some reason they aren’t dead already.

“Sir, what is our orders?”

“Bring in my officers, we have to meet. We have wasted too much time, but first.” Siegfried looked at the engineer. “Let’s start the meeting after I get my ration bar.” The engineer snapped his feet to attention and with a nod before he was dismissed. The Krieg general began to make his way around the digging camp.

Shepard: Is there any reason that we needed to know that Lt. Stu was going to eat? Oh and he isn’t doing anything to help get his men out. I thought he was supposed to be a great leader.

Author’s Note: That was short,

Ert: You seem to be saying that every chapter.

but I just wanted to make sure that all of you readers get the idea that I’m still here, just trying to finish up a story.

Nora: Shame that story probably sucks too.

The Dealings

The Citadel

Garrus led the way into a lower part of the wards.

“Unlike the upper wards, the lower ones are the ones that commonly have crimes the S-Sec has to deal with.” Stated the officer.

“Interesting, but keep your wits about you, someone knows we are coming.” Warned Farseer Lofn.

Nora: Interesting? That’s a basic fact.

“How did you know?”

“Call it…benefits of a Farseer.”

Ert: He already knows you can read minds, why can’t you just say that your psyker powers can do that too?

Garrus pulled out his weapon as it began to unfold. Then they were entering a large room that had an open floor in the middle of the room. The exception was the floor next to the perimeters of the room.

Ert: What about it? Nothing? Thanks for wasting my time.

Luckily, there were railings keeping any person away from their deaths. On the other side of the room, there was a door that showed a green lock. “It’s open.”

“I find it odd about having a meeting for their deals.”

“It’s because C-Sec doesn’t come here as often.”

Shepard: What? I…what? What is any of that supposed to mean? Does Lofn find it odd that criminals have meetings and Garrus is saying its because C-Sec doesn’t come there enough? How are you supposed to outlaw meetings?

“They should.”

“The executor wouldn’t approve, but since I know he was paid to keep things quiet for Spectre Saren, It is our best start.”

Ert: Best start to do WHAT!?

“If that is what you say.” Soon the two entered the doorway to see Asari strippers pleasing the Batarians or the Turians in the room.


At the same time, there were Krogan guards at the sidelines, drinking away while they enjoyed themselves in their pleasure.

Nora: Drunk guards getting their dicks sucked. Lovely.

To Farseer Lofn, this disgusted her to the core of her beliefs. ‘Is this what the Eldar would have done in the fall?’ She wondered while a Krogan came to confront Garrus.

Ert: No, they would’ve done far worse. Murder fucking would probably have been a thing.

“What are you doing here?” Demanded a Krogan that took the initiative speak to him. “You seem lost.” The other guards chuckled while there was a Batarian amongst their group.

Nora: Do we need to start an evil Batarian counter?

“What do you know? He brought an Eldar in here. What is he trying to do?” He wondered. Farseer Lofn watched in silence while the Krogan breathed heavily on the Turian.

“You better get out unless you want your head to be on my wall.” Stated the Krogan. The Farseer stepped in to confront him.

Shepard: People have really weird reactions to Eldar. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.

“Unless you wish to lose your soul, I suggest you bring us your leader.” The Krogan chuckled.

“Hah, I like this one. She is feisty.” He said with a laugh. “Unless it’s official business, I can’t let you meet him.”

Ert: That feels like a line ripped directly from Mass Effect 2, specifically Grunt’s loyalty mission.

“Fine…” Farseer Lofn turned away while Garrus looked back at her. “Let’s leave.” Soon the C-Sec officer joined her while they turned their backs away from the mercs and the illegal business that was there.

“Nice ass.” Commented a Batarian. However, Farseer Lofn stopped and turned to see the Batarian. “What, can’t take it?”

Ert: UGH!

“Your kind should have died a long time ago, mon-keigh.”

Nora: Because Batarians all evil and needs to die.

Stated Lofn. Soon she raised her hand and shocked him to death with her warp lightning. For those around the Batarian, they began to get electrocuted as well while their bodies began to smell of smoked flesh. “Now we have official business.” Before the guards could pull out their guns, she pulled out her sword and charged at the Krogan.

Shepard: You know, I don’t really approve of cat-calling, but is murder really the appropriate response? It’s like cutting someone’s foot off for stepping in line.

Goeth: Oh NOW you tell me that’s taboo.

Ert: He was a Batarian Shepard. That was all that was needed to establish he was a serial rapist.

In one swipe, she killed the creature with her blade while unleashing her wrath onto the mercs. The Asari strippers and the bartenders fled for their lives while Garrus watched her go from one merc to another. Each slash continued and began to dwindle the mercs. At the same time, Garrus took this chance to gun those that were not in the attention of the Farseer. When the fighting was over, Garrus counted that he killed seven mercs. To Farseer Lofn, she managed to kill twenty-one mercs. Their bodies littered the floor while Lofn continued into the club.

Shepard: Again, Lofn’s action scenes seem a lot more underdeveloped than Lt. Stu’s. The author really is only interested in writing about his pet character.

“Come, we must meet their leader.” Garrus passed by and noticed the damage she had inflicted amongst the mercs that were there.

When the next set of doors were open, there were two salarians with pistols out.

“S-Sec, drop your weapons.” Ordered Garrus.

“No, we can’t. Our boss is the only person paying us and if he goes we go.”

Nora: These two were dim in the game. They’re downright suicidal here.

“There is no use in dying for a creature that cares little about you. He considers you two, runts. Parasites that eat away at him, hoping that you would give something in return for you service. If you want the truth, he wanted you two be bait for him to prepare.” The two salarians gave each other a glance. “Your life means little here, if you leave, there is a future for you.”

Ert: Why does she care when she keeps dropping racist slurs about other species? Oh goodie, she’s got the same inconsistent character as Lt. Stu.

“Well if that is the case…well take the offer.” Soon the two salarians walked out of the front of the door while Garrus stood next to the door.

“I don’t know what kind of firepower these guys got since they don’t follow legal means.” Stated Garrus while Farseer Lofn was prepared for her assault on the place.

When the doors were opened, Garrus was the first to storm the room. However, he faced five Turians that were in the way.

Nora: So Garrus is going in despite the fact that Lofn is a better fighter way?

“Kill him.” Stated a Turian who stood behind the wall of Turian soldiers. Soon they fired away while the C-Sec officer was riddled with slugs.

Ert:…Yeah Garrus is dead now…author. What was the point of including Mass Effect characters if you’re just going to unceremoniously kill them off? Really did ME have any purpose in this story outside of being ground down into wank fodder for the Imperium of Man to walk all over?

He looked back to be surprised that the Farseer did not help him in his investigation against the Spectre Saren.

Shepard: *Smacks face* Is “Had not helped him in the fight” too much for you?

Instead, he saw her walk in with her hand up, unleashing lightning onto the armed Turians in the way.

The leader of the group began to run away, but Lofn pulled out her shuriken pistol and fired a single round at the Turian in the leg.

Ert: That’s not how shuriken pistols work. They’re swarms of tiny projectiles that shred the target to pieces.

When the man was crippled to the floor she slowly came forward as he pulled out a pistol. However, she fired another shuriken and the gun flew out of his hands while she had her blade aimed at his throat.

Ert: He thinks the gun shoots ninja shurikens doesn’t he.

“You will tell me.” She demanded.

“Tell you what? I don’t know anything.” She stabbed his arm.

“I will have you talk, one way or the other.”

“Alright, alright. No need to try and kill me if you want it that badly. What is it?”

“I want to know your deal with Saren.”

Nora: This is a random nobody. In the game a low ranking thug named Fist was trying to kill Tali because she had evidence showing Saren was corrupt. That’s all they knew. What information could he possibly have for her?

“Spirits damn you.” Lofn twisted the blade stuck inside the Turian’s arm as he began to scream.

“That is nothing in comparison of what I am capable of.”

“What do you want?”

“Where is Saren?”

Shepard: We’ve covered this already.

“The guy pays me to get mercs to work under him. I don’t know where he is at the moment.”

“Where was his last location?”

“In a place called Virmire. It’s a garden world. That’s it.”

Ert: Yeah no. Saren wouldn’t just tell that to his hired help

“That is enough information for one day.” Lofn pulled the blade out of him while he swore under his breath. However, she stabbed him in the throat while she walked passed the now deceased C-Sec officer.

Ert: Any reason she cared about two random dock workers but left Garrus to die?

The Citadel

General Siegfried stepped out of the Valkyrie transport and began to walk his way towards the embassy. When the civilians saw the general, he showed the dirt and mud on his uniform while there was the occasional blood stains on his coat. His mask was still clean from before, but as he continued towards the embassy, he left a trail of mud and grit on the floor. At every step, his boots squeaked.





The Reapers began to march their newly converted soldiers across the sands of the planet. However, they stopped for a moment to witness a sight right before their eyes. Monoliths and Necron warriors began to rise from the ground, sand was falling off of their dark husks while the Reapers took the time to attack.

Nora: What converted soldiers? You’ve barely been describing this battle.

The husks began to sprint across the open space that lay in between the two armies while the Necron warriors began to unleash their firepower from the rising Monoliths. Soon the two robotic armies clashed in a vicious battle against one another, for supremacy of having the better technology.

Ert: Uh, I think them fighting each other would have more to it than that. In fact, why are they even fighting?

Scarabs would make use of the materials from the fallen humans that were indoctrinated while the Reaper ships and the Monoliths fired their weapons. Each of these machines broke one-another down into the sands while the Nercon lord rose from the sand to smash his weapon into the ground.

For a moment, the ground was still. However, the Necrons brought out their flayed ones and began to destroy the Reaper ground forces. Reaper ships constantly began to fly towards the Necron forces in order to create havoc. In response to this attack, the Necrons marched in Phalanx formation to break these attacks.

Seeing the heavy casualties, the Reapers broke from the battle and flew back into space in hopes of harvesting a planet without being interfered by these machines of death.

Nora: Seems like another scene that really added nothing

Author’s Note: Yes, I killed Garrus. However, I consider him a minor character that I do not need.

Ert: Fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You killing Garrus is like Emerald dying in The Last Hunt. You’re tearing down one universe to make another one look cool, most likely as a result of some insecurity regarding how much you like the other one, and you show no respect to a universe by killing off their characters. At least the Last Hunt had a reason for killing Emerald, it seems like you killed Garrus because you were bored of the character. And if you get bored with characters, why even fucking write about them in the first place?


56 Comments on “1212: Hammer Effect- Chapters 23, 24, 25, 26 & 27”

  1. infinity421 says:

    The Gary Stue counter keeps going up and up.
    And the length of the chapters keeps going down and down.

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      If we were to plot this relationship on a graph and extrapolate the data, we may come to the conclusion that we’d eventually reach single-sentence chapters that said “forty kay on the fortieth of May in my Erect Ass huehuehue”

  2. The Crowbar says:

    Siegfried stepped back up to see Krogans and Geth troopers coming his.


    His what, exactly?

  3. The Crowbar says:

    “You heard me, Turian. I killed them because they were slavers.” The Turian confronted her as she had her sword on one side and her Shuriken pistol on the other of her hip.

    You know, this is what worries me whenever Mass Effect and Warhammer 40K gets smashed together.

    You KNOW the Warhammer’s humans are just gonna fuck shit up due to their religion.

    It’s inevitable, really.

  4. The Crowbar says:

    Shepard: You know, I don’t really approve of cat-calling, but is murder really the appropriate response? It’s like cutting someone’s foot off for stepping in line.

    Goeth: Oh NOW you tell me that’s taboo.

    So you’re the reason there was a foot on the floor. I slipped on it, you know! And now there’s a perfectly good cupcake ruined forever!

  5. The Crowbar says:

    “S-Sec, drop your weapons.” Ordered Garrus.


    Garrus, you should know better than get shitfaced on the job.

  6. The Crowbar says:

    When the doors were opened, Garrus was the first to storm the room. However, he faced five Turians that were in the way.


    Garrus Vakarian is smarter than that, you piece of shit.

  7. The Crowbar says:

    Author’s Note: Yes, I killed Garrus. However, I consider him a minor character that I do not need.

    Minor character?

    For fucks sake, I don’t have the words for this…


    Fuck this clown.

  8. Only in Death does Duty end

    Now there’s a terrible thought. Save for escape to the afterlife, future generations are going to have to deal with the Call of Duty series… forever.

  9. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    What is even the fuck…

    So Garrus is dead, the author has no idea how to battle scenes, every batarian in the galaxy is an asshole, Lt. Stu turns out to have the power of Fortune from Metal Gear, and the farseer seems to have multiple personality disorder.

    When will this story end?

    • GhostCat says:

      It. NEVER. Ends!



      Sorry, that’s been happening a lot lately. I think Crunchy’s been spiking the roughage with evil again.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    That’s like saying “Soldiers kill.” People already knew that.

    Really? I always thought they just stood around for PR purposes.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Then they saw Siegfried’s mask as they pressed forward

    But only his mask. The rest of him was invisible or something.

  12. the losses were at the minimum for the Kriegsman while the mercs and the Geth units were wiped out on the spot.

    You sustained “minimal’ losses from an underpowered and underequipped (albeit Krogan) force that charged your fortified, defensible position from five kilometers away. You, sir, are a tactical incompetent.

  13. For the Citadel species that were around the scene they were shocked to see how they were so used to such violents.

    Including the krogan PMCs and turians who had done military service on the Terminus border, apparently.

  14. ‘Do not waste my time Garrus Vakarian.’ Whispered Lofn. ‘I am not in the mood to answer your doubtful questions.’ At that moment, Garrus was disturbed by what happened to him.

    “What did you just do?” Demanded the Turian.

    “I entered your mind.”

    “You mind-melded with me?”

    “No, do not confuse the Asari’s method of entering a mind with mine.” Answered Lofn. “Now, let’s talk about what happened to your executor.”

    Ok. That’s it. No more of the boss’s little media-manipulation tricks. I don’t want to see you broke, or framed for treason or photo-manipulated into a drug orgy on Omega.

    *charges shotgun*

    You violate my buddy, you fucking DIE.

  15. Then her mind went back to reality, only to find herself in the cars being driven by the Turian detective.

    Huh. So I guess Garrus Vakarian can drive multiple cars at once!

    This is the mutant chimp-armed version from Subject 23, isn’t it?

  16. “Unlike the upper wards, the lower ones are the ones that commonly have crimes the S-Sec has to deal with.” Stated the officer.

    The upper wards have crime, too, but the criminals there can pay us not to deal with them.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    “What are you doing here?” Demanded a Krogan that took the initiative speak to him. “You seem lost.” The other guards chuckled while there was a Batarian amongst their group.

    Nora: Do we need to start an evil Batarian counter?

    That’s not even an evil batarian. That’s a batarian making other people evil by proximity.

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    Author’s Note: Yes, I killed Garrus. However, I consider him a minor character that I do not need.


    Captain, see if you can get a back-channel message to Cerberus. Offer them our entire supply of Reaper equipment if you have to, but get them ready to make a deal.

    Project Lazarus is going to be moving forward a little bit earlier than planned.

    • agigabyte says:

      Cain: Too late.

      Garrus: Ugh… What happened. Who the hell are you? *Notices Restraints and tries to get out of them* Let me go!

      Cain: This’ll ntake a while. Although maybe he can declare Goddess’ ego a bit by out shooting her.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        “We’ve had kind of a hard time getting different versions of you to, well, work, so we’re holding you for observation temporarily. You didn’t come out of the story with eyebrows or the bones in your forearms duplicated or a hive mind or anything like that so physically you look all right, but if you start angsting or parroting Roosh V or converting to Stanism or something we’re going to want to deal with that here as opposed to in a populated area.

        I’d like to say we’re doing this because we’re paranoid and evil, which we are, but when all this comes to a head the Riffleet is going to be tied up glassing poorly-designed planets and Gul can’t shoot worth a damn and I exhausted all my pull with the Foundation years ago, so I’m afraid it’s just gonna come down to you and Thel ‘Vadam to set things right.

        Welcome to the Library, Officer Vakarian.”

        • agigabyte says:

          Garrus: What are you talking about? Who’s Thel ‘Vadam? What is the Riffleet? Where’s my S-Sec squad?

          Cain: You probably could’ve waited until after we’d briefed him. *Hands over a datapad* Read this.

          Garrus: *Reads info* That’s it. I’ve been knocked out and am in a coma. It’s the only explanation.

        • The Crowbar says:


          *The Crowbar spreads out his metal arms in an attempt to get a hug*

          How’s my favorite turian doing?

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        “Don’t touch me…”

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Who wants to give Garrus the grand tour?

  19. rebel599 says:

    “Correct me if I’m wrong, but the logistics behind digging up a complex system of trenches, no doubt adding additional defenses such as barbed wire, machine-gun placements and choke points, would take some time. At the very least half a day. And it’d probably be a rather slap dash system if you do it that fast.”

    According to WW1 British guidelines for trench digging, it would take 450 men 6 hours to dig a Frontline trench about 275 yards long a night, So generally speaking you could dig a decent trench with sandbags, and barbed wire within a day. That being said, from what I read it most likely was nothing more than foxholes they fought in, given how he worded it like the krogan caught them just starting to dig.


    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, if the Imps are able to fly around in space they probably have the means to move large amounts of dirt more quickly than the British Army at the beginning of the 20th century did… however, the Imps also have no understanding of their own technology and weird anachronistic bits from the Dark Ages, so it is entirely possible they are doing this with less equipment and even knowledge of basic structural engineering than the British…

      • erttheking says:

        Well that’s the thing. I’m pretty sure from Only War that trench building for them involves digging with shovels considering that Siege Infantry (Including the Death Korps) come with “shovels and entrenching equipment”. The Imperium, like you said is pretty ass backwards.

  20. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    “bayonets and shovels”

    I’m sorry, what was that, were you attempting to slander the power of SHOVELS?


    You have to wonder why they’ve not developed something like a Power Shovel though… blah blah resources, I say that shit should be standard issue for Commissars or other units toting higher tier weaponry. Dig a trench in the mud or in that World Eater’s chest, it’d be like having a Swiss Army knife of the 41st Millennium. Widen the shovel spade and voila, your face is your shield.

    Buy now, sell! Only 34.99! Purchase today and collect your free, premium, tax-free gift card for all your shopping needs in the grim darkness of the far future! (tabletop models not included)

    Tuchanka though… looks like a pretty long riff update so far-

    -fuck me, are we actually gonna get to the quote unquote ”””romance””””””” now?

  21. "Lyle" says:

    Ert: Smaller than expected.

    Must have been my ex-husband.

  22. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Ert: How the hell are his chapters getting even SHORTER!? How the fuck is this even possible!? I feel like I’ve stumbled onto some sort of singularity. His stories suck so much that they’re collapsing under the density of all the stupidity they’re trying to support.

    Look at it this way: The shorter these chapters get, the faster you can be done with this insanity so that you can move on to some other insanity.

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