1208: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 2

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING: FIC CONTAINS REFERENCES TO ABUSE, BULLYING, AND CANCER

 

 

Hello, my dear Patrons!

:looks at warning:

Aw, hell. This one’s gonna be bad.

I’m here with another crapter from this …thing. Not a lot happened last time; the intrepid Sue, Kyo-Sue, left the home of her father (who was retconned mid-chapter into an abusive asshat because reasons) to live with her neglectful mother in Japan. The entire host club was name-dropped at the end of the chapter, along with a smattering of OCs.

On to the fic! Such as it is.

XOXOXOXOXOXO..Still don’t own OHSHC and Kyoya still want give it to me..XOXOXOOXOXOXOX

:sigh:

Another disclaimer. Something tells me I’m going to see one of these at the start of each chapter.

Kyoya: why am I the one who has to put up with you Kyoko?

I ask myself the same thing, senpai.

Also – why is he calling the author “Kyoko” when she signs the chapters “Maia Lo Ran”? Is the author not even going to attempt to make this character anything but a SI Sue?

Me: You don’t love me Onii-san?

Kyoya: no

Me: your so mean…. ‘storms of madly’

Oh, there’s something new; one of those chatty little Author’s Notes/Disclaimers where the author talks to a character. :eye-twitch: Fun.

Starting the story

… The hell is that? The chapter title? Or is the author actually including a tag to indicate the beginning of the chapter?

Chapter 2: Living hell , shopping, gossip, and assassin, fun fun.

:headdesk:

I guess she is. And it looks like the author isn’t worried about correct grammar or spoilers.

I walk down the hallways of Ouran, to get to my first class and there still know sign of the others, in till I see someone hurt Kisa-clan.

Kisa-chan, she’s one of the OCs; I think she’s the youngest Ootori sister. But what does the fic mean by “hurt”? Did someone bump into her in the hall or was someone “hurting her” as in assaulting her? One is an accident, the other is an incident that should be looked into.

“Um excuse me who are you?” I ask the guy as I pick him up by his shirt.

She just politely picks him up by his shirt and asks him who he is. That’s very sociable of her, but this action has me leaning towards this being a deliberate assault.

“Onee-chan, lets go we are going to be late.” Kisa says and pulls me off the guy and we walk to are next class, when we get there the teacher gives us a smartass remark about being early.

She pulled her off of him even though she had lifted him up by his shirt? Kind of confused as to how these characters are physically situated in relation to each other. And what is the relationship between Kisa-chan and this asshole?

“Oh I though we where late, cool.” I say and me and Kisa take are seats on ether said on Kyoya-kun.

I don’t think Kyo-Sue understands sarcasm.

Wait a second; Kisa-chan is supposed to be Kyouya-senpai’s little sister, so why is she in the same class as him?

I watch them pass a note back and forth while I take note for me and Kisa, cause her hand looks broken,

:Library grinds to a screeching halt:

What. The. Fuck?

Kisa-chan was being physically assaulted in the hallway to the point where her hand was broken, but the only person who did anything was Kyo-Sue? And she barely did anything at all, letting the guy get away despite the terrible injury. And what is with the teacher’s reaction? A student shows up late, bearing the signs of being in a struggle and having a visibly broken hand, and the teacher just makes a snarky comment about them being late?

:THWACK!:

The hell is wrong with you, sensei?

class ends and we walk to the nurse and the nurse tells Kisa her hand is broken shit even I could have told her that,

THEY WAITED UNTIL AFTER CLASS TO SEE THE NURSE?!?

Bloody hell, does any adult in this fic give a damn about anything?

we leave the nurse office and walk to the club room, I request Kyoya he said he isn’t going to make me because he knows I’m only here cause of Kisa and I going home with her tonight so we can catch up.

They’re going to the frickin’ club room rather than going to a doctor? Last time I checked, a school nurse can’t set broken bones. This child needs to be in a hospital, and that douche who broke her hand needs to be in jail.

That aside, I am having a very hard time following this fic. I think that Kyo-Sue and Kisa-chan were at the host club as customers and requested Kyouya-senpai attend them, but it is really very muddled.

Club end after the clean up is done, and the club meeting is over me and Kisa leave

They aren’t actually a part of the host club, so why are they participating in the clean up and club meeting?

and we walk thourgh the park because Kisa doesn’t live with the rest of the Ootori’s she lives in apartment building close to my mother compound

The young girl, who should be around sixteen if she’s the same age as Kyo-Sue, doesn’t live with her ultra-rich family in their palatial home but instead has her own apartment? Why? And why isn’t she going to a hospital?

so I’m going over to hang with her when suddenly,

And from behind!

a mugger grabs Kisa and tries taking her purse.

Causing her to pass out from the pain of her still-unattended broken bones. Poor Kisa, she’s having to go through so much crap now that Kyo-Sue is with her. I guess she’s going to be the designated damsel in distress.

“let go you jackass.” I scream and go all champion kendo on him.

:blinks:

Wha?

There’s thousands of martial arts in the world, and the author picks KENDO?!? The hell?

Kendo is one of the many martial arts disciplines originating in Japan, but it is actually a form of armed combat, not unarmed. It is stylized swordplay utilizing the shinai or bokken; practice swords, made of bamboo or wood respectively, that are meant to be stand-ins for the traditional katana.  The name kendo (剣道) is even a combination of “sword” and “way” – it is literally the way of the sword. It isn’t meant to be a form of practical self-defense.

I kick the guy in the face he tries punching me I do a back flip.

I’ve watched a lot of kendo on YouTube, I’m fascinated by the sport, and I’ve never seen a kendōka do anything like that. For one thing, they wear padded armor that would make acrobatics like that very difficult.

Points are only awarded in a match if the shinai strikes certain areas – the head protector, the throat protector, the wrists, or the torso plate – in a certain way so there would be no point in learning how to strike offensively with bare hands or feet because the moves aren’t allowed. (You can watch a match between a pair of 8-dan [the highest rank] here if you like and judge for yourself.) And just the thought of being in a swordfight, even a mock swordfight, and having to deliberately lower your weapon (and your guard) to attempt to kick your opponent in the face sounds like a really stupid plan that would end with you getting mock-slashed in the leg. Kyo-Sue could have learned this move somewhere else – and given her youth and the enormous amount of time needed to learn multiple disciplines I find that unlikely – but if she’s sticking to her “kendo champion” story as the only explanation then she shouldn’t be able to do this kind of thing. That’s just not how it works.

“Going somewhere little girl?” I guy behind me ask as he tries to grab me.

“That’s real nice my dad sent assassins, after.” I say sarcastically I should have seen this one coming my father hated me and everything about me because not only was I the mirror image of my great grandmother but also my mother so he hated me.

Wait a second; this random mugger, who is now two muggers, are assassins sent by her father? How did she make that kind of leap in logic? They didn’t even attack her to begin with, Kisa-chan was their target! And the reason for this isn’t because she defied her father, but because she looks exactly like her great-grandmother? And her mother, who also looks exactly like Kyo-Sue’s great-grandmother now. If that is the case then it is weird that Kyo-Sue keeps saying she looks exactly like her great-grandmother rather than her mother, since they both are supposed to look like the woman.

“What a smart little girl” one guy sneered.

Really? :looks around: Where?

” I bet my father forgot to mention I a world wide kendo champion .” I say as I hit the man in a pressure point, the other man ran away.

I don’t think there are “pressure points” involved in kendo, either. All that armor and padding, y’know. I guess she could mean the strike areas covered by that armor and padding, but those are fairly large areas to be “pressure points”. You don’t really need to hit someone precisely in a pressure point with a sword in order to damage them; the sword itself usually takes care of that quite nicely.

“Kisa we tell no one about this okay.” she nods he head and we head to her house , we get there and go to her room and lay on her full sized bed.

Y’know … Typically when the phrase “tell no one about this” is coupled with characters laying down on a bed together, sexy-time shenanigans ensue. I’m just sayin’.

What exactly is Kisa-chan not supposed to talk about? Her visibly broken hand? The two muggers turned assassins that Kyo-Sue beat up using skills she shouldn’t possess? Or is it the bed thing?

“so what happened while I was gone?” I asked apparently I lot happened.

“nothing much, I joined a kendo and a music class.” Kisa could always sing, she is really good.

Ha-ha, Kyo-Sue was wrong!

And surprise, surprise – Kisa-chan is studying the same martial art that Kyo-Sue does. I hope she’s better at it than Kyo-Sue is.

“Sing for me.” I ask and she nods her head.

Oh, crap nuggets.

SHINOBI-SAN! DEPLOY THE HERR CONTAINMENT UNIT!

:whump!:

And everyone said baking a cage out of Key lime wasn’t feasible. I owe Gumdrop a bonus for this.

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight, can?t face me in the light
They?ll return but I?ll be stronger

Some how I stated singing with her..

Oh gods, now it’s a duet.

I hope no one minds, but I’m just going to cut out the rest of the lyrics. The song is Unbreakable by Fireflight if you’re interested. The only thing of note is the replacement of every apostrophe with a question mark; I have a theory that the author cut and pasted the lyrics from a website that used a font that wasn’t compatible with the word processor she was using, thus the replacement marks. If that’s the case, this was super-lazy of the author.

“You both sing well together.” We heard someone say from her door, so we turn to see Kyoya-Kun standing there.

“You think so?” she ask.

Why is he in Kisa-chan’s apartment, where she supposedly lives alone? And why is neither girl surprised that he’s there? Does he have a key? Did Kisa-chan leave the door unlocked after being attacked mere moments before?

“Yes, you both sing wonderfully, I was thinking maybe you should both sing for the club.” He said as he pinched the bridge of his nose (I sometimes do that when really po) and looked at us.

:THWACK!:

No parenthetical statements! I can’t even tell if that’s supposed to be narration or an unmarked Author’s Note.

“Oh and Kyoko where did the cut on your arm come from.” With that he left and he knew.

That was rude, he didn’t even wait for her to answer his question. And he knew about the mugger-assassins? Kyouya-senpai’s pretty sharp, so he could probably figure things out – but when did the mugger-assassins manage to cut her? They grabbed at her a few times, but from the narration it doesn’t look like either managed to hurt her at all.

My father had done that to me, hit me real hard with a bear bottle. Left a bruise and a good scare that I’ll have forever, thanks daddy.

:grinds teeth:

Dammit, more of this “abuse as Tragik Past” guff. I’m assuming that’s supposed to be a “beer” bottle, not a bear bottle, so it looks like there’s going to be an escalation with some substance abuse folded in now. If Daddy Dumbass really did hit her with a bottle hard enough to cause that much damage, it is very likely he broke a bone as well. Beer bottles are not like you see in movies; they can deal a lot of damage before breaking – according to this article in The Journal of Forensic and Legal Medicine, they can fracture skulls easily. Even if she didn’t crack her bones, how was she able to fend off the mugger-assassins with that kind of damage? Her wounds only seem to appear when she is trying to appear tragic and sympathetic.

The rest of the night went on peacefully, we sang song and watched movie,

I love to sing [song] and watch [movie]!

we don’t have school in the morning so we stayed up in till 3:30 am,

She went to school for all of one day? What was the point of that?

lets just say we had a ball.

:headdesk:

:THWACK!:

Let’s not and say we didn’t.

….time skip…next day

:headdesk:

It’s a frickin’ scene change! You should establish the time within the narration, not by using tags! It’s easy, all it takes is adding three little words; “The next morning,…” to the start of the first sentence. How frickin’ hard is that?

We woke up around noon ate breakfast and when to my house, when we go to my house my mother took us shopping.

Kyo-Sue’s mother really is a useless shell. She was so desperate to see her daughter that she arranged transportation for Kyo-Sue in way less time than she should have been able to, yet Kyo-Sue goes off and spends the night at a friend’s house without even checking in with her mother, doesn’t even contact her mother until after noon the following day, but Mama Dumbass doesn’t question any of this but instead takes her shopping.

If Daddy Dumbass is really as big a violent, unstable, abusive asshat as he’s being painted as, then Mama Dumbass should be watching her daughter like a hawk to prevent him from kidnapping her or sending a couple of mugger-assassins after her.

“look , Kyoko, how pretty is this.” mother said holding up a blue jean skirt and a black and green polka dot tank top, I tried it on to make her happy and we end up buying it.

That is some of the most lackluster clothing porn I’ve ever read. And I’ve known people who were physically abused – they don’t wear clothing that exposes their injuries. They hide them, cover them up; sometimes because they wrongly assume that such marks are in some way shameful, or because they want to ignore the abuse and pretend it didn’t happen – out of sight, out of mind –  or even as a misguided attempt to protect their abuser. Their clothing becomes their armor, in a way.

We caution are fun filled day with my mother,

Most of the odd word-choice errors are pretty easy to figure out, but I have no idea what this is supposed to be.

in till around 5-ish Mikoto comes and joins us

:THWACK!:

No numerals in the narration! And who is Mikoto?

:checks notes:

According to this, Ootori Mikoto is Fuyumi-san’s stepmother. I assume she’s Kisa-chan’s stepmother as well, since the narration calls Kisa-chan Fuyumi-san’s sister and not her stepsister. It would make more sense for Mikoto-san to be Kisa-chan’s mother, that way she could easily be the same age as Kyo-Sue and her stepbrother Kyouya-senpai, but that’s why you should edit for content and not just check the spelling.

and we go out for Coffee and if you know me or Kisa we both hate coffee so we got hot chocolate.

Here’s the thing; I don’t know you, or her. This is the first really personal thing I’ve learned about either of you. Most of the information I have regarding you is physical traits; average height and weight, anime eyes, dark hair, physically resembles mother/Great-grandmother, suddenly appearing and disappearing injuries from an abusive father, can sing, and you know some form of martial art you call “kendo”.

That’s it. Even when the physical abuse was brought up in the narration, even when there were death threats issued, Kyo-Sue reacting with absolutely no emotions. She’s a fricking robot. Abused children can become emotionally distant, but I don’t think that’s the case here. I know even less about Kisa-chan; other than her name and the fact that she is part of the Ootori family, Kisa-chan is a complete blank.

We drink the hot chocolate and gossip, oh how I love gossip.

Now I know two things; she likes hot chocolate and gossip. She hasn’t gossiped with anyone else before this moment, but suddenly it’s her favorite thing.

When we get done I walk Kisa home and say my goodbye, I walk back to the compound in peace and quiet. I walk into my home and past everyone I go to my room pick up my phone and read a text message from Lena older brother.

That’s a lot of walking. And who is Lena older brother? I thought Kyo-Sue’s older siblings were named Katie and Kyle?

:digs through notes again:

Oh, Random Friend Lena! I forgot about her. She has an older brother?

‘Hey Kyo-chan, I have some bad news call me.’ So I dial his cell #

:headdesk:

You used the frickin’ pound sign in the narration?!? (That’s what we old timers call the hashtag symbol.) I can’t even…

“Hello” he says it sound like he is fighting a hangover.

Are you sure you didn’t just wake him up? You are presumably in a different time zone than he is.

“Hey James you told me to call?” I ask

“Oh, Kyoko I have bad news.” He says seriously.

Yeah, we know; you said that in your text.

“What is it James Coal?” I ask.

Why are you using what I assume is his full name? That’s really odd.

“Lena, has cancer so we can’t move, she has leukemia, I heard you got away from your jackass father, but you moved all the way to japan seriously, now I ant get to see my girl.” He says, Cancer really, and the my girl is a joke I had a stalker so we said we where dating.

What?!?

Random Friend Lena has Surprise Cancer, but ninety percent of this babble is about Kyo-Sue. James move immediately from “my sister has cancer” to “hey, you moved to Japan to get away from Daddy Dumbass!” and then there’s the sudden mention of a stalker that comes out of nowhere. And why does Random Friend Lena’s cancer prevent them from moving? There are very good doctors and hospitals in Japan; I assume the family was moving for reasons that didn’t revolve around their children so this really shouldn’t affect that. If there is a treatment that is only available in whatever country they currently live in, that would only prevent Random Friend Lena and whichever parent didn’t need to move to Japan from moving. Depending on which type of leukemia she has and how far it has advanced, Random Friend Lena has excellent odds of surviving the disease.

And of course Kyo-Sue had a stalker so she could pretend-date her friend’s brother, who is presumably much older, smarter, hotter, etc. than every other boy in her former school. It’s not like seeing the object of their obsessive affection in a happy relationship with another person would ever drive a stalker to do something dangerous and irrational.

“Cancer, really? Well tell Lena if she dies on me I’ll kill her and I’m sorry for moving so quickly but I had to leave, James I love y’all guys and I miss you take care I really can’t talk long dinner is almost ready, so bye.” I say and wait for his bye.

Wow, she took the serious diagnosis of her presumably close friend really, really well. And again – ninety percent of this babble is turned around so it can be focused on Kyo-Sue herself. Random Friend Lena barely gets a mention.

“Bye Mirror-chan stalk you later.” He says and hangs up.

It would be in very poor taste to make a stalking joke to someone who has actually been stalked. And why does he call her “Mirror-chan” when he refers to her a Kyo-chan in his earlier email? That’s an odd nickname to give someone. I assume it is a reference to her resemblance to her mother/great-grandmother, but why would her fake boyfriend give her a nickname based on that? Has he even seen her mother/great-grandmother before?

‘cancer really, Lena’s to happy of a person to have Cancer.

I don’t think you understand how cancer works, Kyo-Sue. Metastasizing cells don’t give a damn about your emotional state.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Yay, the chapter’s over. Except for the obligatory Author’s Note.

So what you think I hope you like and I know this chapter was short but sorry.

Love Maia Lo Ran

Word count…1,242…..

I think you shouldn’t let spell-check write your fic for you, and that you need to do some serious research into serious subjects like physical abuse and terminal diseases before writing about them.

That’s all I can stand for this one, Patrons – see you next time with another chapter!

Advertisements

42 Comments on “1208: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 2”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    WARNING: FIC CONTAINS REFERENCES TO ABUSE, BULLYING, AND CANCER

    If it keeps up the way it’s been, this ‘fic is gonna give me cancer.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Not a lot happened last time; the insipid Sue, Kyo-Sue, left the home of her father

    Fixed it for you.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    XOXOXOOXOXOXOX

    Oh, I get it, it’s a literary version of the effect of CP violation on the early universe! We start out with an even distribution of Xs and Os, but over a few microchapters they start to annihilate each other (producing Is?) and then somehow, unaccountably, only Os are left and Xs can only be produced under laboratory conditions.

    • agigabyte says:

      agig: Wait a moment. *Goes down to the deck 3 lab and asks a few questions before coming back up* Okay, the scientists down there tell me we’ll be able to weapomize the letter O.

      Cain: The letter O standing for “Oh fuck, I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

  4. Living hell , shopping, gossip, and assassin

    That… just about sums up the chapter, actually. Mostly the first one, but still…

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Um excuse me who are you?” I ask the guy as I pick him up by his shirt.

    She just politely picks him up by his shirt and asks him who he is. That’s very sociable of her, but this action has me leaning towards this being a deliberate assault.

    That, or he did just bump into her and Sue is picking him up off the ground.

  6. Tie Dye Mage says:

    The rest of the night went on peacefully, we sang song and watched movie,

    I love to sing [song] and watch [movie]!

    As do I. Later, I might go to [bar] and order [drink].

  7. Wait a second; this random mugger, who is now two muggers, are assassins sent by her father?

    Well, you know how it is, Everest Biomed isn’t doing so well in the stock market, and proper mercenaries are expensive. Why do you think RHI does all assassination work in-house?

  8. SC says:

    So when I started watching that Kendo video, I noticed that the judges like NEVER scored a point for either side up until the end, which makes me wonder: is it really THAT HARD to get a point in Kendo, or are 8-dans really THAT GOOD at not getting scored against?

    • GhostCat says:

      The higher level matches seem to have higher standards when it comes to scoring; I’m still a newbie, but there’s a lot of emphasis on kikentai – sort of a perfect combination of self, sword, and spirit – that results in a perfect strike (ippon). How you hit someone is just as important as where you hit them.

      • SC says:

        Kind of like Fencing, in a way, what with the how and where of a strike, but it seems to me that fencing focuses more on physical aspects like form and footwork, and less on the self-realizing aspects of self and spirit that Kendo prefers.

        That actually reminds me of a video I saw the other night that compared and contrasted European swordplay with Japanese swordplay, and they were shockingly very similar to each other. The material arts practices, too. I guess if a system works, right?

      • GhostCat says:

        If the end goal is the same – stick other person with the pointy bit while preventing them from doing the same to you – I don’t think the execution is going to be too drastically different.

      • SC says:

        Probably not, no. But, I mean more like stances and form and such. That video compared European stances to Japanese stances, and they were almost picture-perfect copies of each other.

  9. SC says:

    Also, just putting aside that Kendo is not a hand-to-hand sport, I’m more than a little certain that popping back flips in the middle of a real fight would turn you into a gigantic target with zero points of defense, because you can still get hit in mid-air, mid-flip. It’s not like video game invincibility frames, where your attack animation cuts off enemy attacks until it’s finished or anything like that.

    • GhostCat says:

      And even if the backflip worked perfectly to get Kyo-Sue out of danger, the two assassin/muggers still have a hostage – designated damsel-in-distress, Kisa-chan.

      • agigabyte says:

        Goddess: Plus, as many raw recruits discover, flashiness will kill you in a lethal fight, and will almost always cause you to lose anywhere else.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, so her flashy not-martial arts trickery is really doing nothing but be flashy in a moment where it doesn’t help anything.

        …All this talk of marital arts and swordplay is making me think back to the early chapters of If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, where we were just constantly discussing how medieval mercenary life would really go. Some of our best conversations, there. Ah, nostalgia.

  10. SC says:

    You know, a good assassin is a good actor, sure, but I’m pretty sure these assassins are just dime-a-dozen muggers that got given “assassin” name tags at orientation.

  11. SC says:

    “let go you jackass.”

    Most commonly heard whenever anybody tries to swipe a sword from Specs. Shortly followed, if they fail to comply, by him cutting their arms off.

    Specs is really protective of his collection, see.

  12. Delta XIII says:

    And everyone said baking a cage out of Key lime wasn’t feasible. I owe Gumdrop a bonus for this.

    Wait, wouldn’t he just eat his way threw the cage in that case?

    C’mon, Ghostie, I’m drunk right now and even I figured that out.

  13. Delta XIII says:

    Y’know, reading threw this snarking, I actually thought it was a drunk hallucination. Until I realised it wasn’t.

    Then I continued drinking.

  14. "Lyle" says:

    *headdesk* How do you find this crap….

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      Through diligent searching. There’s a lot of mediocre, boring crap out there. It takes a certain “talent” for one’s writing to be featured in the creme de la crap.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s