1205: The Hammer Effect: Chapters 18, 19, 20, 21, 22Posted: October 13, 2015
(Technically chapter 21 is an author note, but I’m not counting it because screw that)
Ert: *Takes a deep breath* Anyone ever feel like vacation time just slides by and that you don’t really appreciate it until it’s gone?
Seiko: Can’t say I ever really had that. No real time off in Lordran.
Nora: She’s got you there Ert.
Ert: Well, let’s just get on with it and hope I can get to the end of this rift without wanting to smash my face on the abort button. When we last left off, the author did something that made me so disgusted that I quit reviewing the chapter. Apparently it was supposed to be a joke because it didn’t REALLY happen, but I was in a bad mood after a similar incident had happened earlier. The Emperor popped up because he can apparently do that, and all the other gods in 40k popped up, and for some reason this didn’t end with Chaos trying to kill the Emperor once and for all, which is something that they’d do considering how much of a threat they see him as.
General Siegfried woke up to see himself on a clot as Farseer Lofn sat next to him. “What happened?” He asked.
“You were knocked out.” Answered Lofn. “We had to bring you back to the ship to see if you had anything wrong with you. Though, I would like to ask. Why did you touch the thing?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because I happen to be different.”
Seiko: He’s different? Different how? Different in that he’s more dense than everyone else? Because in that case, he is indeed very very different.
Nora: And when you really get down to it, he touched it because “I wanna” and “must advance plot.”
Then his voice became serious. “What is the situation?” Doors opened as a familiar voice spoke.
“Don’t worry general, your men have done an absolute job at keeping the populace from going crazy.” Siegfried turned to his left to see a short man smoking a cigar in his mouth.
Ert: Going crazy? Have they been administrating anti-psychotics? I’m pretty sure Lt. Stu is more concerned about the Geth rather than if the civilians are panicking/going insane.
“General Creed. What brings you here?” This surprised Lofn more than Siegfried could ever imagine.
“I wanted to see how my apprentice was doing.”
Ert: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! General Creed is the commander of a planet of soldiers who are raised from birth to fight! It is placed directly in front of the Eye of Terror, a Warp rift thousands of light years wide, and is the front line for when the Black Crusades, invasions with ALL of Chaos united under a single banner, come pouring out. Lt. Stu is no where near worthy enough to learn from him!
End of Act I
Author’s Note: Surprise!
Seiko: We’re doing acts now? This isn’t a play you know, you don’t announce the end of acts. Well if that’s the case this isn’t a horrible take on the first act. It established the characters, the world they live in and ended with the threat they need to confront. It did all of that horribly, but it still technically follows the three act structure. We’ll have to wait and see if he can continue to do that though.
Ert: Wait, that entire thing was one chapter? Wow. This isn’t so much scrapping the bottom of the barrel as it is tunneling into the earth beneath the barrel.
A Cold Heart
Three Days Later/ Presidium
General Siegfried stepped forward in front of the three councilors at hand. Then Tevos spoke. “General, our condolences for the second attack on Eden Prime. We never thought that the Geth would leave the veil just to attack you.”
Ert: The way she says “second” attack makes this attack seem a hell of a lot less urgent. Doesn’t help that the first attack was without a doubt bigger. The Geth that attacked Eden Prime were the Heretic Geth, which are only a small fraction of the True Geth, and I seriously doubt they had FIVE HUNDRED SHIPS! Unless you mean to tell me the True Geth had thousand upon thousands of warships, in which case the Reaper Wars should’ve been a lot easier.
“There is no need.” Replied the Krieg general. “We have evidence pertaining that one of your SPECTREs was the one that attacked Eden Prime.”
“How dare you make such accusation to an agent of the Council?” Demanded Sparatus.
Nora: Against an agent of the Council Sparatus, your translator seems to have a problem getting grammar down.
“Sparatus, let me handle this matter.” Stated Tevos. Then she looked at the Krieg general. “You must realize that making an accusation against a SPECTRE is a serious one. Who is this person that you are accusing?”
“Spectre Saren? We will decide if he should be guilty or not.” She turned to the right of the room to have a holographic version of Saren standing there. “Spectre Saren, forgive me for interrupting you.”
Ert: To have it standing there? What?
“There is no need.” Stated the Turian. “My time, is the Council’s time.” Then Saren looked at the Krieg general. “So what is going on?”
“There has been an accusation pointed against you. What do you say about it?”
“First, we must know what they accuse me of.” Saren stared at the general’s gas mask.
Nora: Oh dear God, the author’s patterned time wasting dialogue is back. When in doubt, never go above a single sentence before switching another person, no matter how awkward and inconvenient it is or even if it means the other person has to ask a question to make any sense out of what they were just told.
“I accuse Spectre Saren of being behind the attack on Eden Prime and killing Spectre Nihlus in the process.” Stated Siegfried.
“What evidence can you prove that you claim is true?”
“A Dark Angel Scout has witnessed your deed during the fighting on Eden Prime.”
Ert: A Dark Angel scout that shot at him and then ran away for some reason…yeah, I can see his testimony being viewed as flimsy.
“Is there any proof that he was there?” Asked Valern. Then a voice spoke. Behind Siegfried was Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis.
“Yes, during the fighting. 4th Company was deployed to halt the abominable intelligence in their advance and ahead of the assault forces were our scouts. They pinpointed positions available for drop pod zones. Before we landed, one of my scouts reported that he saw two similar xenos speaking to each other until one of them killed the other when its back was turned.”
Nora: Oh I also forgot something else about the author’s time wasting dialoague. Have your characters establish something, and then have them establish it again because you can’t write flowing and convincing dialogue if your life depended on it.
“Witnesses may see things.” Commented Saren.
Ert:….That…that…that’s kind of the definition of a witness. Pardon me, the author’s poor understand of the English language has caused me to suffer a stupid overload.
“They’re scouts, not psykers.” Few of the Imperial non-kriegers chuckled at the comment from the Interrogator-Chaplain.
Seiko: I think the joke is supposed to be that psykers can go nuts and hallucinate at times…or considering what Sparatus actually said and not what the author meant him to say, this guy is saying all scouts are blind. Hey, its your job to establish things author, not ours.
“Luckily, I have the vox recordings with me.” Soon the space marine made the speakers of his vox recording loud enough for anyone.
Ert: I guess he just recorded it? Also Vox is RADIO you daft twit! I fully understand how hard it is to get into 40k, but most people that I know who struggle with it don’t throw out random 40k phrases and pretend to know what they’re talking about.
“…What do you have about the situation?” Stated Nihlus’s voice.
“The Geth seem to be heading towards a Prothean artifact to the east.” Replied Saren’s voice. Tevos, Sparatus, and Valern were shocked to hear the recording.
“The Council will need to know why the Geth are attacking and outside the veil.”
“I will tell them…old friend.” Then a round fired off as the sounds of a body clanked onto the floor. Then they heard Saren speak. “I want that Beacon, NOW!” Saren’s image was shocked as he was speechless.
Ert: This is what I like to call a Plot Advancing Action (PAA) when the only reason for someone to do something is to advance the plot. Why would Saren scream “I want that beacon NOW” to Geth who would most likely already be searching for it? To advance the plot. That’s the only reason he would ever do it because otherwise it would make no sense.
Siegfried stared at the shocked Turian that was now exposed to his employers. ‘That’s for attacking Eden Prime.’ He said in his mind.
“Spectre Saren. How dare you commit such acts of war without the Council’s knowledge?” Demanded Sparatus.
Nora: *Snort*. Without the Council’s knowledge. Yeah Sarren, you need inform the Council before you launch an unprovoked invasion of a planet.
“Councilors I can explain.” Saren made an attempt to speak, but Sparatus would have none of his excuses. “Tell that to Spectre Nihlus. You have brought dishonor upon your family Saren.” Then Saren’s attitude change.
Seiko: Dishonor! Your father always let the Council know when he was about to commit war crimes!
“That is because you don’t understand what is coming.”
“You don’t understand that the Reapers are returning.”
“The Reapers, what is this nonsense.”
Ert: Oh look, another PAA. Saren only ever worked for the Reapers because he wanted to prove how useful organics could be in the vain hope of organics being spared. To do this, he had to work against organics and help the Reapers get back into the Milky Way and tried to kept their coming a secret. Now he’s telling people about the Reapers because it’s the only way the author can introduce the Reapers to the story because he kicked out the more reasonable way of Tali intercepting communications from Saren.
“I am the only one that can save us all.” Soon Councilor Valern made an action.
“Disconnect communications with Spectre Saren. I believe we have seen what has happened to him.” Before the holographic image of Saren disappeared, he stared at General Siegfried.
“The Reapers are coming and they are going to include you into the cycle.” Then the body of Saren disappeared.
Nora: Cycle. Allow me to use a word that you will not fully understand in my attempt to warn you because being vague is always helpful.
“Reapers?” Wondered Siegfried.
“Do not worry about it. It’s none of your concern.” Answered Valern.
“No, I would like to know what these Reapers are.”
“The Reapers are just a mere myth.”
“A myth, you surely haven’t seen the things that happened in the Imperium’s end of the galaxy. I would like for you to elaborate about them.”
Ert: Ok, are you in the same galaxy or not, the story keeps going back and forth on that one. And what does what goes on in the Imperium’s end of the galaxy have to do with how real the Reapers are?
“If you are so keen on learning about them, then I will tell you. One of our scientists made a theory that there were these machines that came and destroyed a race before us called the Protheans. Then they all disappeared.” Then Valern looked at Siegfried’s gas mask. “It sounds improbable.”
Nora: The Reapers are actually considered to be a myth found among several different species, there’s nothing about a scientist theorizing them.
“Sounds too much like the Necrons.”
“The Necrons? Are you saying that you have had a similar theory?”
“No, not a theory. Enemy.” This surprised the council. “How are they similar?”
“Killing machines hell-bent on taking the life out of the galaxy before sleeping once more just to do it again. These…Reapers seem similar.”
Ert: Uh, no. First of all, the Necrons don’t do that. They don’t go into stasis and then wipe out all life in the galaxy before repeating. They went into stasis after the War in Heaven during which they fought against the Old Ones and their servant races on the behalf of the C’Tan. In fact, as of more recent codexes most Necrons don’t want to kill all organic life anymore (Most, there are still some) as they view organic life as a way to get their souls back (LONG story).
Nora: Second of all, Lt. Stu is making a lot of jumps on how the Reapers work. All Saren said was “cycle,” so Lt. Stu can suddenly make the jump that the Reapers regularly harvest all organic life in the galaxy? You can’t have your characters know twist related information if there was no way for them to feasibly figure it out.
“Before we head into this discussion of nonsense, why don’t we take care of the business at hand?” Demanded Sparatus. Then Tevos spoke.
“After Saren’s…breakdown, we have made a decision to revoke Saren Acterius’ status as a Spectre and all of his resources and accounts will be frozen. Since we have found him guilty of crimes, we shall arrest him if he returns to Council space.”
Seiko: What breakdown? He kept himself rather composed.
Ert: Maybe the author’s poor understanding of English popped up again.
“Is that it? Wondered Siegfried. “Is that all you are going to do?”
“Sadly, we cannot use our resources to track him down. Our hands are tied to keeping slavers and pirates from harassing any Citadel citizens. If we do, we are open to attack.” Then Interrogator-Chaplain was rather annoyed by such a response.
Nora: Ok, how many slavers does the author think there are in the galaxy? After FIVE HUNDRED SHIPS of them got destroyed (Around the same amount as the Salarian Union’s entire navy, give or take) slavers, by all rights, should be an endangered species.
“You allow a criminal to walk away without the law catching him. I must say, the PDF are better than you. And that is saying something.”
Ert: Oh shut up. The Imperium has got a good long list of fuck ups, but I guess admitting that would ruin the author’s masturbatory fantasies.
“General, I know that he was responsible for the attack on Eden Prime, but that is all we can do.” Although the response to the Krieg general was terrible, Siegfried didn’t show any resentment towards the xeno that spoke to him.
Seiko: UGH! Unless you’re making it very clear that it’s the thoughts of the person you’re following, you really shouldn’t be letting bias into the narrative. It’s annoying because it’s basically telling the reader what to think. And right now it’s telling the reader to think that the Council is full of idiots and that Lt. Stu is the only smart/competent person. Well fuck you for having so little regard for my intelligence.
“If that is the case, then the Imperium shall do what you could not.” Stated Siegfried as he turned his back with the flare of his trench coat following the Krieger.
Nora: Ever notice that Lt. Stu’s idea to diplomacy is to give up after two minutes and storm off?
Heinrich Siegfried, Nine Months old
Ert: Ok, we’re using fucking AGE as a location tag now?
A family of five were running in the cold streets while the father was leading the way. The sounds of a vehicle being driven behind the family made him make a decision to run into an alley. As he and the rest of the family were running into a dead end, the vehicles got closer to trap them. In the mother’s arms, a baby being carried in a blanket. The father was about to get the family out of the dead end, but a chimera aimed it’s headlights at the exposed family.
Ert: Author, you can’t just switch to a random location with random people towards the end of a chapter. It’s clunky as fuck and reflects poorly on your ability to tell a story. Imagine if I was telling a story when out of nowhere I added “Oh by the way, this character here was born in X had three sisters, doesn’t like pork and is hot tempered” instead of introducing the character traits naturally? You might be confused right now, maybe asking “What does this have to do with introducing character traits?” Well, you’ll see.
Soon figures came from behind the chimera, only to display their skulls of death. “For the blood god!” Screamed the father as he charged at the two grenadiers. However, they fired their Hellguns at the heretical family that stood in front of them.
Nora: If they worshiped Khorne, why were the running away? People who worship him don’t really tend to do that.
Within moments the two girls and the mother were killed on the spot as the baby cried from the small violence that was there. The two grenadiers searched the mother to pull the blanket off of the baby as they aimed their Hellguns at the child. However, a figure came forward and lowered one of their guns with his hand. He came to inspect the child as he stayed in the cold for five minutes.
“Watchmaster, this child was born from a heretical family.” Stated one of the grenadiers in a monotone voice.
Nora: I think even the Imperium would have second thoughts about killing a baby that wasn’t showing any obvious signs of Chaos taint. Don’t get me wrong, the tiniest hint of taint and the baby gets a bolt round to the face, but otherwise…it seems overly grim dark, even for 40k. Granted some more fanatical worshipers of the Emperor would do it just to be safe.
“You know we cannot allow this child to live. He is tainted by chaos.”
“There is no need to kill this child if we can send him to redeem himself of his family’s sins.” There was no response from the grenadier for a moment.
“Is he going to atone for the sins of his family?”
“We should know, it is the only way.” The Watchmaster looked at the shivering child. “Bring him into the barracks.”
Ert: And now we know the backstory of Lt. Stu…it adds nothing.
Seiko: Seriously. When you reveal that your character’s family was worshiping the gods he’s sworn to fight against, it’s supposed to expand on his character. Maybe elaborate on why he’s so viciously dedicated to fighting Chaos. His family worshiping Chaos is just kinda there. It doesn’t ADD anything.
Author’s Note: Shorter than I wanted, but hey at least I don’t have to find the ‘evidence’ in Mass Effect.
Nora: Yeah, you just had everything get awkwardly blurted out.
A Third Party
Creed and General Siegfried were walking together in the streets of the Citadel as the famous human of Cadia spoke with him.
“General Siegfried, it has been a while since we have talked. How have you been?”
“Fine.” Answered the Krieger. “Though, I never thought that I would end up as a Rogue Trader.”
Ert: Mainly because it makes no fucking sense, but hey, when has that ever stopped this story before?
“Quite a position,
Nora: Not really, Rogue Traders aren’t necessarily powerful, can easily be dwarfed by richer nobles, and overall the position isn’t looked on with that much favor. Rogue Traders are mainly seen as selfish opportunists, mainly because most of them are just that.
but what an honor it must have been to meet the Emperor himself.”
“It was an honor. He seemed to enjoy my methods.” Creed chuckled with the cigar in his mouth.
“Did he read anything about you?” The two stopped as Siegfried looked up to think.
“He read about the events that happened during the Kaurava system.”
“Oh that one. That was great that you did that. Kissed a canoness on the check before she sent an entire battlegroup to capture you.”
Ert: ARGAGAGAHGAEHGAEHGAEH. Oh why stop there? Why not talk about how Lt. Stu fucked Isha herself and knocked her up? Lt. Stu is awesome enough to get a Goddess pregnant right? He’s just so FUCKING AWESOME right?
(Gary Stu Counter: 33)
“That was not worth a kiss.”
“Though, I would like to know why you did kiss her.”
“When you gave me the mission to steal General Stubbs’s hundred Baneblades, I had to go through the Sister of Battle’s positions.”
Nora: Why in the ever-loving Hell would Creed order a hundred Baneblades stolen from a friendly General? Seems like a situation that only exists so that we can see how awesome Lt. Stu is…even though 100 tanks going missing from a location they’re supposed to be at sounds like a lovely way to get countless Imperial soldiers killed, but I’m not supposed to think, I’m just supposed to gawk at how awesome Lt. Stu is. And I now we dinged this before, but it being because of Creed is an extra layer of “fuck you.”
(Gary Stu Counter: 34)
“The last ten Baneblades could have got out, but the canoness was suspicious of me doing heresy at the time. So I had to confront her and I kissed her just so she could pay her attention to killing me and not the men getting the Baneblades.” Creed chuckled.
Seiko: *Eye twitches*. First of all, kissing someone doesn’t seem like a good distraction from a hundred tanks being stolen. Second of all, what is “doing heresy.” Third, you’re a piece of trash Lt. Stu and I hope that canoness shoves a flamethrower up your ass.
“Do you still have the ten Baneblades I ‘gifted’ you?”
“Yes, I only repainted them in Krieg colors.”
“You should know that Stubbs is still looking for those hundred Baneblades.” Then he heard Siegfried chuckle.
Ert: Whose side is Lt. Stu on again? Stealing from your allies is something I mainly associate with bag guys and assholes. I’m starting to think Lt. Stu is both. Oh, and for the private tanks Lt. Stu apparently has.
(Gary Stu: 35)
“So, what have you been doing lately?”
“Showing the presence of the Imperium in this part of the galaxy. Not only that, but the Tyranids came in here and now I have to create a defense for the relay that leads into Terra.”
Seiko: He hasn’t been doing a very good job.
“A good defense is a good offense.”
“You prove a point.” Then the two continued walking. “Do you still remember what I have taught you?”
Ert: Yeah, except his defense is awful as the Tyranids don’t need to go anywhere near Eden Prime in order to go through the Relay back to Terra you dense motherfukcer.
“Yes, but these xenos are so weak that I cannot even apply the basics.”
Nora: The basics of what? And what are you applying them to?
“No worries, there is going to be a point where you are going to get back into the fighting. It’s just that it isn’t going to happen right now.”
Seiko: When why bring it up?
The Embassy/General’s Quarters
General Siegfried came out of the bathroom as he had a towel wrapped around his legs. When he opened the door, he saw Lofn standing in his room.
Ert: Oh Christ, please don’t let this be the third time I need to put a trigger warning up.
“Farseer, what are you doing here?”
“I was looking for you.”
“Didn’t you hear the shower on?”
“I would if the Citadel’s announcements were not so loud.”
Nora: Does the Citadel even HAVE announcements loud enough to be heard off of the streets?
Siegfried rolled his eyes while Lofn took notice of the general’s half-naked body. Not only that, but she took notice of the six packs that he had built through the years of being in the Death Korps. Then she saw his green eyes and his dark brown hair. Although she could see its color, it was shaved due to the fact that the general basically lived behind a helmet and a mask.
Nora: Of course the all powerful Eldar wants some of that. Because of course she does. Frankly I prefer men who aren’t complete twats and actually have some likable features, but there I go having standards.
(Gary Stu Counter: 36)
“What did you want to tell me?”
“I believe it is better if I just show you.”
Ert: So the only point of that scene was for Lofn to think that she finds Lt. Stu sexy. Because it’s not like thinking dirty thoughts can lead to her soul getting eaten by Slaanesh, OH WAIT YES IT CAN!
The Docking Bay
General Siegfried walked towards the docking bay with his uniform on. The only difference is that his outfit and gas mask was cleaned and refitted as he showered. When Siegfried came to where he was needed, he did not show any surprise to guardsman that was there. However, if one looked closer into the sockets of the gas mask, they would find that his attention was taken by a sight.
General Siegfried looked up as Farseer Lofn was behind him. “Is that a Tyranid?” Asked the general.
Ert: *Sigh* this hurts already. The Alpha Rachni bullshit was painful the first time around, I doubt it’s going to be easier to swallow this time.
“Yes it is.” Replied Lofn.
“And it is standing here, right in front of me.”
What stood in front of the general was a Tyranid Swarmlord that had its blades out, but it wasn’t attacking anyone that was nearby. “Why isn’t it attacking us?” He asked.
Seiko: Stupid writing Lt. Stu. Very VERY stupid writing.
“That is something I cannot answer.” Soon the Swarmlord pulled out a data slate, in the opinion of the Krieger that surprised him,
Ert: Oh, you’re just now getting surprised.
then it placed it on the ground before it jumped off of the docking bay and into the space that surrounded the Citadel. Siegfried took notice of the surrounding of the Citadel and saw that the Tyranids were already here and that they surrounded the station more than Siegfried could count.
Nora: So they’re just running amok on the Citadel unattended? So between them and the Orks, the Citadel is basically being turned into a playground for 40k aliens. Because “funny”.
At the same time, Lofn came to see the data slate to not understand the high gothic language of the humans.
“Strange, it has words in what you humans call high gothic.”
Seiko: Oh, you don’t say? Yeesh, the DRD must love this fic.
The Farseer gave the data slate to the general as he looked into it. At the same time, the Tyranid hive fleet flew away from Citadel. Slowly, but surely.
The general looked into it to see that the high gothic words speak to him.
An ancient threat has waited and watched species over time, rise and fall. They have built fleets of unimaginable power to control and take the songs away from each and every species that makes an attempt to stop them. Even if the species does not fight them, they do not care. They will have no mercy for everyone. They will not take sides and they will unleash the horrors to complete their goal, the destruction of life. I messaged you to heed my warning and be cautious of the eternal cycle that will come. For they have awakened. — The Last Rachni Queen
Ert: So question. How come we had to have Lt. Stu figure everything out on his own, despite the lack of hints to lead him down that path, when the Queen could’ve told him everything? Ah right, because Lt. Stu is awesome.
(Gary Stu Counter: 37)
“What does it say?” Asked the Farseer.
“War is coming.” Answered the general.
Nora: Stop being pretentious and tell her what it says.
After the purging of the planet, fresh Imperial Guard companies were stationed on that world while the effects of the battles on Kronus were still fresh in the minds of the civilians that were there. However, a battle that supposedly ended an enemy that rose from the ground was forgotten. Yet, the ending of the battle did not permanently end the Necrons that were inside the caverns of the planet. There were very few units that were still active, but still few.
Ert: Is there any reason you’re clumsily cramming all of this information down our throats instead of introducing it slowly and naturally? I like 40k and I have no idea what Kronus is!
One of them was a scarab that was digging the dirt off of the destroyed monolith that was buried under the sands of Kronus. However, the scarab detected an anomaly that was coming towards the planet. Then it activated a protocol that was never used in the past. At this moment, at this time. The Reapers joined the dark future that knew only war.
Nora: Ah, so there’s a connection between the Reapers and Necrons. And we’re being shown this information because fuck keeping us in suspense and building an engaging mystery, am I right?
The Hidden Past
General Siegfried stood in front of Councilor Tevos and Valern as he spoke upon the matter of Imperium justice.
“Councilors, do you have any last locations he could possibly in?” Asked the general as he stood in front of Tevos. She sat in a couch while Valern was standing on the right side of the Krieger.
Seiko: Wait, he’s back talking with the Council? What, he gets fed up with them storms off and then comes back half a chapter later? The author just wanted to have an excuse to have him yell at the Council didn’t he?
Ert: On a random note, you may be wondering why we aren’t referring to the author by his username. Simple. He hasn’t left enough of an impact on us for us to bother remembering it.
“As a matter of fact, I do.” Answered Tevos. “When we werre speaking in the Presidium, our communications locates where the person we talk to when they are away. Luckily for you, Saren’s last location happened to be on Tuchanka.”
“Does it have any importance?”
Nora: You’ve been working with the Council for a year now and you don’t know what the Krogan homeworld is? You are VERY different Lt. Stu.
“Yes.” Answered Valern. “Tuchanka is the homeworld of the Krogan species. The planet has been in constant warfare ever since the Krogan rebellions. As for its importance, the Krogan are kept under watch from Salarian Union and the Turian Hierarchy. This security is to ensure that the Krogans do not cause another rebellion.” General Siegfried was silent as he thought about the situation.
Seiko: Something he really should’ve known already.
“What could he possibly gain from being there?”
“Possibly hire mercenaries to assist him in whatever goal he has for himself.” The Salarian paused for a moment, then he thought about it. “Or he could unite the Krogans…”
“By what means?” Wondered Tevos.
“Curing the genophage.”
“How? That is impossible, he doesn’t have the resources to get scientists for the cure.”
Ert: Oh wow. Now that the main events of the Mass Effect storyline have started the author is just ticking off boxes on a list. First Eden Prime, then learning Saren is a traitor, and now without any time to breathe, everyone will figure out that Saren is curing the Genophage and raising an army of Krogan. Even though the Genophage is supposed to be incurable. Yes, he DID develop a a cure, but it was supposed to be a major shock and not a something people just assumed that he’d do.
“Councilor Tevos, Saren is one of our best agents who has access to certain resources and has a long list of contacts that he had over time. I believe he could possibly do it.”
“Then we can freeze his resources or send other Spectres to stop him.”
“Tevos, our resources are thin. It is on a thread ever since the Batarian attack on the Citadel.”
Ert: You’d think after a naked attack the Council would launch a coutnter-attack on the Batarians, but no, only Lt. Stu is allowed to be productive.
“Saren is trying to unite a xeno species? On their homeworld?” Wondered Siegfried.
Nora: Why is the homeworld part so out of the ordinary?
“It would seem that it may be that case or rather he may possible unite them without a cure.”
Ert: You’re jumping to conclusions that he’s trying to unite them at all. Also, quick question, why the Hell did Saren go straight from Eden Prime to Tuchanka?
“I doubt it.” Stated the general. “There are always those times to be safer than sorry.”
Nora: What the hell do you know about playing it safe?
“Hopefully this information should help you?”
“It’s not much.” Stated Siegfried, but at this moment. I do not care as long as I have a chance at finding the xeno.”
“Before you leave…” Suggested Tevos. “You should know that Tuchanka is still radioactive from their past conflicts. Be cautious on that planet. It is unsafe.”
Ert: Considering that Tuchanka’s nuclear war was thousands of years ago, I seriously doubt it.
“You certainly have not seen what us Kriegsman are capable of doing.” Then the general turned away as he showed signs of killing Saren as his intent. When the doors closed on him, Tevos sighed.
“Saren, betraying us. What could possibly made him become like that?” Wondered Tevos.
“Hmm, he acted very strangely than usual.” Valern answered. “Once the humans deal with him, we could find information pertaining to him.”
Seiko: I swear we need to look for sounds of arousal whenever the Council says the word information, that’s the only reason I can think of to explain why they bring it up so much.
“Are you sure?”
“It is our best guess at making the galaxy safe for peace.”
Ert: Yeah that information will…get Sparatus hard I guess.
“Captain Bismark, here are the coordinates. We are going to Tuchanka.” Ordered Siegfried as he watched the navy go to work. Then the two doors behind the general went open as the sounds of metal scraped the heavy armor of the Dark Angel Marine.
“General, it seems that we are leaving Farseer Lofn behind?” Questioned Artemis.
“Yes, I would be distracted by her.”
Nora: Yeah, I’d be forced to call her a hybrid every twelve seconds because it’s one of the three personality traits I have. This didn’t stop me before but no one questions the Stu.
“She is a xeno witch after all.”
“Once, you work with her long enough. Going by myself is like a vacation.”
“Then again, you are working with a Farseer.”
“You do prove a point.” Siegfired stared at the windows as the Vraks began to make its journey to a new location.
Ert: It’s amazing how the conversations in this story can be so short and simple and yet I still spend time trying to figure out what the fuck they mean. Because they’re so random and disjointed it leaves me hopelessly confused.
The Docking Bay
Farseer Lofn was standing there to see the Vraks fly away as she slowly stared at the ship until she could no longer see it. Then she heard footsteps behind her. Believing that it was her Dark Reaper aides, she turned around to see General Creed standing there, smoking his cigar.
Ert: Why the fuck is Creed sitting around on his ass? Cadia is kind of 90% under Chaos control man, you might want to get on that.
“Why are you standing here?” Asked the short old man.
“I am rather disappointed that Siegfried decided to leave without me.”
“Really?” Wondered Creed. “It must have been that you have been working with him for a while.”
Seiko: Not sure why she’s upset that she doesn’t have to work with the ass, but whatever.
“Correct, General of Cadia. I have been. Not only that, but I have gotten used to his presence and his teasing.”
Ert: Ah, a classic maneuver. Whenever someone is being a total prick, say “Oh it’s a joke” or “I’m just teasing.” Like if I were to accuse Lt. Stu of being a douche guzzler, I can just say “I’m just teasing.”
“Yes, he does this all the time with me.”
“Calling me a hybrid.” Farseer Lofn turned to see Creed standing there with his mouth open. Then she saw his cigar drop from his mouth.
Nora: I thought this was supposed to be a secret. Author, quick crash course on how sentences work. If someone truly wants to keep a secret, they tend to avoid topics involving it at all costs, and have a tendency to be very stingy with words while that subject is up. They can sometimes let it slip with someone they really trust, but not with someone they just met.
“You mean, that you are not fully Eldar?” He asked.
“Yes, my mother was an Eldar. As for my father, he was a human.”
“By the Emperor, I expected you to be a bleeding fetus.”
“Is that what humans expect from hybrids.”
Nora: No, he just brought it up at complete random.
“It’s what everyone expects from ALL hybrids. For a hybrid of a human and an Eldar, you look rather attractive to the naked eye.”
“Do you really think so?”
Ert: Ok, author, back the fuck up right now. I’ve had enough of obsession with physical looks from EP’s works, and with two trigger warnings in this story my patience is at its limits.
“Don’t take my word for it, but you could surprise a human if you told them about yourself.”
“You are not laughing at me. Something tells me that you are okay.”
Seiko: I guess not laughing at one thing is enough to completely trust a person.
“As the man that made Abbadon the Despoiler armless, I have a kind of gentleman within me.” Then a single thought made her wonder.
Ert:…What? Ugh. Abbadon the Despoiler is the one who leads the Black Crusades that I mentioned. There’s a meme going around that he has no arms and one joke explanation for this is that Creed stole them. The author bringing this up is just another example of him desperately trying to suck off (Or lick) 1d4chan.
“General Creed, what kind of relation do you have with General Siegfried?” She asked.
“General Siegfried is my apprentice in my art of Just as Planned.”
Nora: Author, you’re embarrassing yourself. If you want to have a really whacky 40k fic, you need to do more than bring the story to a grinding halt every three seconds and say “Hey, remember this 40k meme that exists? Isn’t it funny?”
“So you are a teacher to him.”
“More than you know. Possibly a second father if you want to know more.”
“I do, after all. I want to know what happened to him after the events on Ardennel.”
“He was shipped back to Krieg at the same time his ‘father’ wished for me to teach him. To me, I was hesitant in having someone learn my ways. However, when I met the man in person. He had the potential to learn under me, which surprised my peers when they found out.”
Ert: You see, he clearly had the main character gene and the Gary Stu gene, so he had to be pampered and made to be awesome in everything and given a harem of twelve beautiful maids because LOOK AT HOW AWESOME MY CHARACTER IS GUYZ! LOOK AT HOW KOOL HE IZ!
“What made him so surprising?”
“His biological family were heretics on Terranis. He was a mere babe when they were killed. Technically the men that killed his family could have shot him on the spot, but they decided that he should atone for the sins of his family by dying. Oddly enough, the captain was so fond of him that he took him under his family and raised him as his own.”
“So that explains why he is called the Oddball of Krieg.”
Ert: Uh…we already knew all of that. We saw what happened in that flashback.
“No, what makes him the oddball is that he goes on the border of heresy and manages to still retain his loyalty to the Imperium. His beliefs on the Emperor still tick those off in the Inquisition, but he because of his background they decided to be lenient on him. After all, it is expected from a family of heretics.”
Nora: Be lenient on the guy from the heretical background for showing heresy. Yes. You logic good. Also the fact that he had heretical parents until the age of nine months makes him skirt the line of being heretical. Somehow. Really, the whole heretical family thing is an excuse that isn’t even paper thin for why Lt. Stu acts like someone who would get shot in the face in actual 40k.
“General Siegfried is an interesting person.”
Seiko: Oh god, talking about how awesome your Stu is, it’s really narcissistic.
“He is, but he doesn’t like to talk about himself?”
“Call it a Krieger thing. They don’t talk much that is why.”
Ert: Odd. Lt. Stu strikes me more as a person who refuses to shut up.
Creed pulled out another cigar and lit it up by placing his hellpistol on the end of the cigar.
He fired it as the cigar lit up and placed the cigar back in his mouth. Then he holstered his hellpistol while Lofn saw the scorch marks on the Citadel’s Control Tower. “Well, I have to return back to Cadia.” Stated the general. “Abbadon is somehow going to have another ‘plan’ to take it over.
Nora: Not only is that stupid, I’m not sure it would actually ignite it. More like it’d blast the end of the cigar off.
Ert: Also Abbadon does control 90% of the planet. Or does the author just ignore all 40k lore that isn’t humanity fuck yeah?
Nora: Oh, not his office, his desk, specifically his desk. We are inside his desk.
Garrus was looking through the data on Saren through his omni-tool as he thought about making an investigation on the Spectre. However, he remembered that Executor Pallin’s beliefs on the Spectres and in a way, it made it hard for Garrus to show evidence to the council. At the same time, the Council made a statement to the public that he turned rogue during the Imperium’s presence in the Presidium.
Ert: Oh don’t bother trying to shove in half assed development about characters that don’t even exist in this story. Also Pallin dislikes Spectres, so how the hell would he make Garrus hesitant to show the evidence? Also, evidence about Saren? BIT LATE FOR THAT AUTHOR!
Garrus got up and went to the Executor’s office just as he finished his call.
“Garrus Vakarian, what brings you here?” Asked the man in charge.
“Executor, I have evidence pertaining to a rogue Spectre.”
“Ah yes, Saren. What do you have?”
“Remember that investigation pertaining to one of our dead officers?”
Ert: Oh right, good old whats his face.
“Yes, it’s not hard to forget that incident. A C-Sec officer killed in his own home. What of it?”
“He was talking to me that the Spectre was kidnapping people before he sent the data to my omni-tool. After that, he was killed.”
“Give me the data.”
“I’ll send you a copy.”
“No, I said give me the data.” At this point, Garrus noticed that the executor was acting strange when it came to the data.
Nora: Oh, you had to specify that it was towards the data, otherwise the stupid reader might not have been able to figure it out. Doi. We dumb.
‘Why wouldn’t he want a copy of the information?’ Wondered the C-Sec officer before his attention returned to reality.
“Why would you not have a copy? It would be easier.” Stated Garrus. Pallin placed his hand under his desk to pull out a pistol at him. Surprising Garrus. “What are you doing?” Demanded Garrus.
“Saren wouldn’t like it if he left a trail behind. I like you Vakarian, but you better give me that information unless you want to have a slug through your brain.”
“Executor, you’re working for him?”
Ert: No, I just like pointing guns at people. What is it with this story and people asking stupidly obvious questions? Oh right, time wasting dialogue.
Seiko: Ok, what is this scene actually adding? Pallin didn’t have the most developed character, but this story is shitting all over what little he did have. The guy didn’t like Spectres! Why would he be working for one!?
“No, he is paying me to just shut my mouth and get rid of anyone that has any dirt on him.
Nora: That’s working for him genius.
Right now, I am giving you a chance to leave this room with your life. If you’re smart enough, I’ll even give you a fraction of the credits that Saren is paying me. So what will it be?” Garrus was in a situation he couldn’t escape.
“Sir, with all due respect. I am not going to let you do this.”
“With the situation you are in. I can.” The Turian was about to pull the trigger until the two heard an odd yell outside of the executor’s room.
Nora: Ok, a tense moment where Garrus Vakarian, one of the most beloved characters of Mass Effect, almost died. How are we going transition away from this scene?
Executor Pallin and Garrus looked to one side of the window to see a giant green creature fly towards the room. “Spirits, what are those things? He wondered as he saw the creature fly closer towards the room with a yell.
“WAAAGH!” The greenskin crashed through the window as his body landed on top of Executor Pallin with the large amounts of force that had been waiting for another stop. Soon the Executor’s head was crushed by the sheer weight of the ork while it was laughing. Garrus blinked at the scene as the ork was chuckling to himself. “Now dat was ‘re funn.” He said to himself as he got up from the crushed body.
Ert: I hate everything. This is why I hate this story in particular. It can’t make up for five seconds whether it wants to be serious or silly. One second someone Garrus thought he could trust turns out to be working for Saren, the next, Ork ex Machina
From what Garrus could see on the ork, it had a rocket strapped to its back while the smell of exhaust was showing a presence in the room. The Turian watched the ork get up to the window and jump off only to be lifted by his ‘jetpack’. “By the spirits…” He said to himself. “What was that thing?”
Seiko: The smell of the exhaust was showing a presence? Yeah, what IS that thing?
The spaceport was in complete chaos as the Reaper ships came down onto the PDF and Guard companies that were there. However, the AA guns from the Hydra tanks were constantly firing rounds at the ships as the Reapers fired their lasers onto the spaceport. At the same time, Geth dropships came onto the ground, killing anyone in their path before the troopers were deployed.
Ert: Wait REAPERS!? Oh my God, the author keeps missing so many points about the universes he writes about that it’s painful to look at. The Reapers are stranded outside of the galaxy! They needed Saren to activate the Citadel’s hidden Mass Relay function to get back in! Now they’re just popping out of nowhere? CHRIST!
The streets turned into killzones as heavy bolter teams and platoons were firing ferociously from the buildings. However, the Reapers ships fired their lasers onto the garrisoned buildings leaving nothing, but destruction in their wake. Within hours, the spaceport was over run while the Geth troopers searched for any survivors.
Nora: Well, Humanity finally losses. For once.
When they did, they brought them to their landing zones, only to discover the thousands of bodies that were slowly converted into machines of some sort. Many made an attempt to fight back and escape, but they were killed on sight by the Geth or wiped out by the Reapers.
Ert: You’d think the Reapers coming out of nowhere and massacring a planet would get more attention. The author thinks Lt. Stu is more important so it ends right there.
In the desert a scarab came out of sands as it scanned the area for any lifesigns.
Nora: Well, that added nothing. Maybe have more than one sentence to a scene author?
Close to Home
The Vraks stood in orbit over the planet as it deployed Valkyries to the wastelands of Tuchanka. Even though the planet still had radiation, the Kriegsmen were well equipped to handle such terrible environments. In a landing zone that combined both the Death Korps and the Dark Angels, a Valkyrie fly towards the ground before it opened its doors to the world it was in.
Seiko: Yes, the people from the radioactive planet can handle radiation, we can connect the dots.
General Siegfried stepped out of the transport as his boots began to land into the mud of the planet. His retinue consisted of a squad of Rangers and a platoon of guardsmen while he had a vox operator following him at every turn. When the passengers were finally out, the Valkyrie flew back up into the air only to pass another wave of Valkyries.
Siegfried looked around him to see his men take initiative in securing the territory that they were in. Of all places that Siegfried could have picked, he chose the ruins of what used to be a Krogan fortress.
Nora: He didn’t even know what Tuchanka was last chapter, how can he now know enough about it to pick out old ruins to use as fortifications?
This fortress had two sections of walls that surrounded a position that was on a hills while there was a road that was on one end and a bridge on the other. Although the walls were deteriorated from the constant fighting that the Krogans had among themselves, it still held up after all this time. General Siegfried began to take his position from a concrete bunker that had a view of the plains and the area around the fortress. Then a commissar came to see him.
Ert: So what’s the plan if Saren isn’t even on the planet anymore? Considering he would know that the Council would be able to track him and-oh who am I kidding? Expecting people to act rationally in this story.
“Sir, the entire perimeter has been secured.” He said in a monotone voice.
“Good, bring in the Basilisks. I want the entire surrounding area to be under the range of our guns. Get the men to build trenches around the fortress as a first line of defense. Then make tunnels that lead back past the first wall. Use the diggers if you must.”
Nora: So what exactly are we digging tunnels for?
“Understood.” Before the commissar turned away, the general spoke.
“Get my Rangers to find anything outside of the fortress. I do not wish to be blind on this planet full of xenos.”
Ert: Anything is a little vague, could you be more specific?
“Yes sir.” The commissar walked away while the fortress was now in the hands of the Imperial Guard.
. . .
Off in the distance, a Geth unit was watching the Death Korps of Krieg establish their outpost. Behind it were Geth hunters that activated their cloaking devices.
Nora: AUTHOR! Stop telling us that there are all these hidden units in the area! You aren’t writing a script, you’re writing a story! You can’t just cut away at any moment to show things that we really shouldn’t know!
Ert: And with that, this week’s take on this fuck is over.