1200: The Great Rift – Chapter SevenPosted: October 8, 2015
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more The Great Rift!
Well, I don’t really have too much to say, except let’s see how much more pretentious this gets, right?
I can haaaaardly wait…
We open the next chapter with this:
“Destination Midair Stadium is now visible; atmospheric density is safe, so I will disable the magnetic shield.” ROB 64 announced.
Still don’t know what the hell a magnetic shield is supposed to do against fucking atmosphere, but fuck it, I don’t care.
Also, what the hell is “atmospheric density” supposed to be? Do you mean “density of air”? And what’s your metric for it being safe?
And why am I even bothering asking these questions? All the answers I’m going to get are most likely going to be “I dunno, you tell me”, so it’s an exercise in futility!
Andreas and the Star Fox Team stared at the distant Halberd still dubiously hovering over the stadium out the bridge window.
“So why is that jerk parking right over it?” Falco finally broke the silence.
I’d comment that you know the answer why, but I’ll give Falco a free pass on this since he wasn’t there to witness this same event happening in the original Subspace Emissary. In fact, I don’t think he entered the story of Subspace Emissary until halfway through that mode… Right?
Practically right after the words left his beak, the Halberd began to rise up and rotate back to face the Great Fox.
What especially seemed off was how the distant stadium was bellowing columns of dark smoke.
“Bellowing” columns of dark smoke? Huh, I was not aware the Midair Stadium was actually a mouth. I do have to wonder how the hell nobody inside the stadium is dead right now, though. I mean, apart from just how loud it’d have to be, I’m shocked it hasn’t eaten anyone, too.
Fox finally exhaled and anxiously commanded, “Stop all forward thrusters. Wait in a stationary hover. Put our shields back up, full power.”
The robot obeyed and tapped several sensor points, doing just that.
Peppy turned and gave Fox a strange look before demanding, “Fox, what are you doing?”
He was now scurrying around to several monitor screens and checking them.
“I have a bad feeling about this, okay?” The vulpine was obviously trying to stay concentrated. “Something just isn’t right here.”
I would say it’s the fact that you don’t seem to know how to write space combat technobabble that doesn’t sound fucking stupid. Fraug, would you be so kind as to sit this guy down for a marathon of Star Wars so he can get a grasp on that, pretty please?
Andreas was still fixed on observing the Halberd as it began to draw nearer.
“Now it’s coming back toward us.”
The others turned back to look as silence briefly prevailed once more before the ship’s com suddenly came to life.
“Incoming transmission from battleship Halberd requesting visual communication. Accept live feed to be sent and received from the bridge?”
Oh. Well, that was remarkably quick. Thanks, Fraug!
Fox was reluctant to answer but the approaching Halberd suddenly began accelerating, coming to a point not far in front of the Great Fox.
“Repeat, accept live feed to be sent…?” The com started again, but Fox interrupted hastily. “Confirm.”
I’m not sure how Fox interrupted hastily when the comm unit interrupted himself. Maybe there’s a visual gesture that our “visually demanding” story forgot to tell us about?
Andreas tried to lighten the stress. “At least Meta Knight wants to talk with us, you know?”
They all turned up to the main screen beginning to show static as a connection was trying to be established.
What seemed like many tense moments passed for Andreas and the Star Fox team as the two ships flew closer and closer.
Wait, wasn’t it established a few paragraphs ago that the Great Fox was in a “stationary position”?
Good Lord, the sentenceographs are starting to mess with LimeyK’s sense of continuity, too, aren’t they? I mean, I knew they were fucking up the pacing, but this? This is just… no!
“Come on, come on!” Fox was becoming nervous and impatient as another deafening roar began rising.
The Halberd veered at the last moment and once more avoided them in what seemed by only a hair’s width, leaving the Great Fox in another rattling fury.
The human had dove for cover under one of the chairs while the others looked on in frustrated confusion.
Another rattling fury… which will consist of humans diving under chairs while the entire… rest of the ship… apparently… stays still…
Our “visually demanding” story, ladies and gentlemen!
“Geez, what the hell is his problem?!” Falco sneered as his eyes beadily followed the passing ship.
That it’s been taken over by Awesome McEvils? Granted, I’m not docking you for that ‘cause you don’t know, but you might want to start suspecting that evil works are afoot…
Finally, the screen flashed onto a clear video signal coming from within the Halberd’s bridge.
Andreas hurried to stand back up as he and the team gazed at the screen.
All they saw was a large backside of a dark chair before a deep voice began speaking.
“Hey there pup, I’m glad to see you could make it. I guess I should apologize for the close miss… well, actually it would have been better if we did hit you, but it makes no difference in the end. Unfortunately, you’re all a bit late to the party. I must say you missed some explosive action.”
Fox’s ears slowly flattened as he realized who the voice belonged to.
“Wolf…!” He snarled.
After that, we get a line break, and we cut to…
“Yeah, alright this is perfect. How are we going to get out of here now?” Victor tried to keep from panicking. “There’s only a minute left!”
Hey, Vic, here!
*opens a hole in the SDQF*
Jump in there until the explosion passes. Trust me, you’ll be fine!
Link was silently looking around for several moments and suddenly got an idea.
He began running towards the edge of the platform where the ramp had been and shot his grappling hook, which embedded itself in the opposite wall.
Victor, Mario, Luigi, Ike, Kirby, Meta Knight, Red, and Pikachu turned to watch as Link hurled himself across the chasm, landing with a skid in the training room.
He disappeared from sight for several moments before running back holding Kirby’s warp star.
He flung it back across the chasm like a boomerang before shooting the grappling hook again, only this time into the side of the central platform.
Well, I’m not going to discount Link’s idea, because Kirby’s Warp Star is in fact a viable mode of transportation out of the stadium (and in fact, it’s how Kirby and the rescued princess escape this scenario in SE). So it’s not that it’s a bad idea, ‘cause it’s actually a very good one.
The problem is, why was Link the one who thought it up? I mean, Kirby’s the one who manages it, why the hell wasn’t it Kirby who called it in? He did that just fine without Link’s help in SE, why does it take Link to think it up?
He leaped across and cleanly grabbed onto the edge, where Red came to help him back up.
“Great one Link, if only Captain Falcon could have thought of that!”
Or, you know, the one who actually controls the fucking warp star! It’d be great if he thought of it, too!
Kirby beamed in understanding Link’s intended plan and bounced over, comfortably hopping up on his warp star.
“Poyo!” He waved back to the others to join him on board.
Victor grew a look of disbelief and shook his head.
“Oh no… You’re not serious about this are you?”
Um, you remember that Peach or Zelda also rode on the Warp Star with him in the actual SE, right? Just making sure.
Mario ran up and began pushing him over to the warp star too.
“It’s-a-the only plan we’ve got right-a-now Victor!”
And it also has lots of places to hang on tight! Like, um… The edges of the star… And Mario’s feet. And Link’s ass. And… well…
Wait, why did I say this was a good idea?
He then turned to the others. “Luigi, Link, Ike, Red, Pikachu, you get on with-a-Kirby!”
The red shirted plumber beckoned his orders as they began piling up on the warp star, but as his green brother correctly pointed out, “Bro, there isn’t enough room-a-for you!”
Ah, thank you, Luigi, Im’ sure—
Indeed there wasn’t enough space for everyone.
Meta Knight crossed his arms in displeased amusement.
“What, they don’t come in extra-large sizes these days? Maybe you all should get a battleship like I had!”
What Ike should say: “Yeah yeah, keep bitching. All those in favor of leaving this impostor here so the real one can join us in two chapters?”
What he actually says:
Ike then swung around, impatiently demanding, “Can this blue jester please put a stop in it?!”
The blue star warrior sarcastically pretended to be insulted, “Oh, well pardon me for trying to have a sense of humor!”
Wait, that sarcastic bitching is supposed to be funny? ‘Cause I don’t really see how that could be funny, I really don’t.
Mario reached back and yanked Meta Knight over by the shoulder plates.
He sighed and responded, “No Meta Knight, it would-a-seem they don’t make them large. That’s-a-why you, Victor, and I must-a-hang onto the edges. Let’s-a-go people, grab on tight!”
Yeah, good luck hanging on to the edges, there…
Mario, Victor, and a grumbling Meta Knight did so while Red turned back and asked, “Where are we even going?”
Pikachu seemed to agree and lowered an ear. “Pika?”
Really, Pokémon Trainer? You’re under a timer to get the fuck out of dodge, and you’re worried about where you’re going from there?
Priorities, trainer! You delegate them wrongest!
Mario stopped and thought for a moment before answering, “We must-a-go back to Peach’s castle! It’s-a-the nearest place where the others-a-may have gone.”
Or you can just run now, get out of dodge, and then contact the others to figure out where they’ve gone! ‘Cause lest you forget, you have:
Victor frantically looked back at the bomb timer: thirty seconds left.
After that, we get another line break, and we cut back to the Great Fox.
“Star Wolf?!” Fox growled as Andreas and the team watched on with shock.
“What are you doing on board the Halberd? Where is Meta Knight?”
Well, I think he’s being an Awesome McEvil… Right?
The chair suddenly swung around to reveal his nemesis Wolf, sitting in a relaxed manner.
“Hmm, you seem pretty surprised to see me,” He spoke quite indifferently.
“Just thought I’d ask… how’s old Pepper doing? Still has a few years left in him, huh? This ship, I know you might be wondering, well it’s a real upgrade from before that’s for sure.”
He is, isn’t he?
Fox and his team members stared on as Wolf continued.
“As I was saying though, you’re all late for the party. Fortunately for you, we’ve really saved the best for last. I hope you stay and watch the grand finale which should be… any moment now. Oh, and enjoy the following fireworks too, compliments of the Emissary.”
Good Lord, how many characters is this? First it’s Lucina, then it’s Falco, then it’s Meta Knight, and now it’s fucking Wolf O’Donnell! I mean, for fuck’s sake, what else is he going to do that puts him squarely in Awesome McEvil category? Show off the damsels in distress to these guys?
Wolf shot a grimaced smile and stood up with his tail swaying about as he walked off screen.
The camera then staggered and seemed to be rotated by a muttering operator from behind in order to follow Wolf.
“Oh and by the way,” He started. “Smile for the camera, girls.”
The camera panned until it revealed Princess Peach, Daisy, and Zelda bound and gagged on separate chairs.
Whimpering, all three pairs of their eyes were wide with terror.
“Corneria’s best sends their final regards.”
Of course! ‘Cause Wolf O’Donnell is totally evil! Oh, never mind that his whole team pulled that heroic sacrifice in Assault or that Krystal was part of their team in Command, no! He’s evil, like an ape!
Good Lord, does LimeyK know anything about these canons, other than the fact that Smash is a massive crossover universe? Hell, you know what, I’m not even going to stop there: what if he isn’t aware that Smash is, in fact, made up of all the different Nintendo properties! Really, would you be able to blame me? He’s gotten so many things about the individual canons wrong it’s kind of amazing!
And before you ask, no, Wolf is still not done with his villainous showboating!
Wolf rested his claws on their shoulders and laughed a bit before stopping.
He then raised his head and looked just behind the camera.
“Also, that was some awful following work Waluigi.”
More thick laughter joined in as Waluigi stepped out in front of the camera, followed by Wario, Bowser, Bowser Jr., Ganondorf, Jessie, James, and Meowth.
And good Lord, all the other villains are there, too?
At least they’re supposed to be obviously evil! And here’s Wolf being the evilest of them all! And wait, what the hell are Jessie and James doing there? Weren’t they villains specifically made for the anime? Last I checked, they don’t actually appear anywhere in the games! In fact, the whole of Team Rocket is more than just two comic relief villains, even in the anime! And Jesse and James were intentionally played as being inept at their jobs, so why are they here and not Butch and Cassidy (who were more competent… to a point, anyway.)
And mind you, ladies and gentlemen, we’re getting Awesome McEvil showboating in this fic! You know, we’re getting Awesome McEvil showboating in a fic that has ambitions of being this deep, philosophical meditation on… on… um…
What exactly is this supposed to be a meditation of? No, that’s a legit question! Between all the shitty pacing and the Awesome McEvil posturing and the plot regurgitation of Subspace Emissary and the SI plot and the out of character shenanigans, what the hell is this story supposed to be a rumination on? At least with The Tree of Life, it became clear the philosophical musings were about the meaning of life! We’re already seven chapters into this fanfic, and I have no idea what the hell this is supposed to be a philosophical rumination on. I had no idea going in, but even now that I’m deep in it I still have no idea what the fuck this is supposed to comment on?
Is it supposed to be a meta commentary on bad fanfiction? ‘Cause that’s the only thing I can think of, and yet I don’t think this fic is smart enough to pull that off. Is it supposed to be a meditation on isolation for the two SI characters? ‘Cause I can’t imagine that’ll be too successful since the characters are well regarded right now and the only source of friction was generated by one of them being a fucking idiot. Is it supposed to be a commentary on good and evil? ‘Cause that’s kinda hard to pull off when the evil guys are doing the same Awesome McEvil posturing you’d find in an 80’s cartoon.
LimeyK, in order for something to be philosophical the way you want it to be, there has to be something you’re commenting on. This is why most pretentious fanfics here fall on their face: they’re making much ado about nothing. But you know, at least most of the other fics tried to say something. This late in your fic, I have no idea what the fuck you’re trying to say with it. There’s no message, there’s no point, and it’s just a standard “good-versus-evil” plot with no ambiguity that could be used to comment on anything…
I know this fic suffers from terrible pacing, but come on! We’re stranded in Chapter Seven out of Ten! It should not take this long to figure out what’s going on! Granted, this is ten chapters of admittedly incomplete deletion fic, but come on!
Hello! Get with the program here!
Anyway. Let’s continue.
With that, the screen cut to black static and the ship’s com announced, “Transmission finished.”
LimeyK, I would like to inform you that this is not how comm units typically work! It’s like what would happen if I released the button on a walkie-talkie and the walkie-talkie said “connection cut”! You don’t see that in communications because it would get annoying really fast!
Stunned silence overcame the bridge of the Great Fox yet again.
And it was in that stunned silence that everyone realized exactly what it was they were trapped in.
“I knew it.” Fox finally spoke out. “I somehow knew it was all a sham.”
“I should never have answered this fic’s casting call…”
Andreas slumped down in one of the chairs and held his head, trying to comprehend everything.
“I know… who all of them are.”
And this is notable… why? Or did you forget the part two chapters ago where you told ‘em you know everyone on the crew.
The others were taken back by this, and Fox turned to face him.
His mood was now much more suspicious along with a hint of anger.
First of all…
“Minimal” Exposition Count: 16
Second of all… why?
“Oh yeah?” He walked over and demanded. “How would you know Wolf O’Donnell?”
A disgruntled Falco seemed to join in on Fox’s opinion.
Why!? Again, assuming that this is a shared universe and all that, they’re not exactly unknown farmers. These are people who are fighting in a tournament that’s being broadcast all around the whole galaxy, and it’s a heavily publicized event considering just how much there is in there. With that kind of clout, who wouldn’t know about these guys?
Hell, Ghostie even pointed this out when Mario asked how Vic knew all of them. I mean, these guys are fighting in a tournament that’s presumably being broadcast all across the known universe: you’d think that if these guys were famous, they’d have to be famous for something. What would they be famous for? Their heroic exploits. So wouldn’t it follow that their rivals would also be rather well-known?
And aside from that, it was pretty well-known that Star Fox and Star Wolf were rivals in their home canons! They’re both mercenary groups with a lot of clout, you know, so again, who wouldn’t know about their exploits? And since those exploits probably wouldn’t stay within the Lylat System in whatever universe this is set?
LimeyK, I can understand playing the “everyone suspects the one guy ‘cause he knows more than anyone else” card to ramp up tension. Trust me, I played it myself in Mass Vexations. But it needs to be with something that makes sense! What you’re doing here, within the context of a shared universe that hosts a tournament that is broadcast to an entire galaxy with various famous people who everyone knows by name, is the equivalent of Caitlyn Jenner asking a random hooligan on the street how they knew when her transition happened. It falls flat because it assumes that their celebrity is some wild fact nobody else in the world knows about!
Good Christ, just when I thought this plot couldn’t be any dumber! I mean, is there any legit reason for these guys to mistrust Andreas?
“You know, I still don’t trust this Andre. He sneaks on our ship, fucks up my wing,
Ah, fair point, he did do that, and for absolutely no logical reason to boot. I’ll give you that.
and somehow knows us all. If he knows who Wolf is, then he might just be…!”
…a random civilian who is aware of the presence of someone who would logically be an A-List celebrity in this world?
A distant and warped explosion sounded from outside the ship, causing Andreas to leap up and join the others at the window.
Oh, right. Back to the plot regurgitation.
So the stadium is sucked up by the subspace bomb, Slippy asks where the stadium went, and everyone looks on in shock. The system computer says the Midair Stadium ceased to exist, and everyone reacts with some shock. And then…
He [Andreas] stuttered, “That darkness… It’s the same I saw right before I somehow ended up here.”
Oh, so you somehow got carried over by Subspace Warp? Well, I’ll just sit here and pretend this is supposed to be suspenseful.
He was met with another wall of stares before another alarm began beeping.
Is it the alarm that signals our lunch break? ‘Cause if it is, that would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
ROB 64 then reports that there are Wolfens around. Falco comments they came from the Halberd.
Peppy and Slippy seemed un-bothered though.
Ladies and gentlemen, our fanfic with philosophical aspirations: using words like “un-bothered” since 2015!
“Our shields are fully up though, so it won’t do them any good.”
Ten bucks says this is a group of famous last words, everyone!
Then, as if the forces of fate were listening, the Great Fox suddenly began rocking with explosions.
Even more alarms began blaring, “Warning, hull taking damage; cannot sustain.”
Outside, the Wolfens were firing strange black and purple beams of what looked like pure energy rather than normal lasers.
They slipped right through the magnetic shield and struck the ship with violent blasts.
The frog mechanic looked up and around with panic as the bridge rattled.
“How can they hit us when our shields are up?” He cried as Peppy meanwhile checked another monitor.
“It’s no good; our shields are doing nothing to stop their blasters. Whatever they’re firing, it isn’t anything conventional.”
*holds hand out to the patrons*
Pay up, y’all. Pizza’s on me.
They then take places, catapulting their ship to escape from Wolfens. Why nobody thinks to run to the Arwings first can best be explained by stupidity. Anyway, Andreas wonders about the size of the Wolfen force, to which Rob says:
ROB 64 was analyzing the radar and replied, “There are eight Wolfens in pursuit,
He says, forgetting that Wolfens were specially designed for the Star Wolf fleet and are not meant to construct entire armies.
However, the scanners also pick up Kirby’s Warp Star. So then Fox gives the order to follow the warp star, and then we get a line break to…
Kirby controlled his warp star while Luigi, Link, Ike, Red, and Pikachu held onto each other’s shoulders.
Mario, Meta Knight, and Victor gripped on for dear life on the star’s side edges.
Ten bucks says their grip slips. Come on, you all know it’s totally gonna happen.
They looked back into the heart of darkness that was rapidly pursuing them from expansion as a deep droning sound of whooshing enveloped the space around them.
Oh come on, I thought she was under sedation! Goddammit, ninjas!
Mario, Luigi, Link, and Red could still feel their hats and caps being sucked back into the vortex so they had to hold them down.
Was there any reason to bring up their hats? No?
Then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT!?
So then the Great Fox sneaks up behind them, which Vic notices them. He alerts the others, and they notice the Great Fox there just as the Wolfen pack comes around.
Black beams of energy began streaking by the Great Fox and burst in the air like flak.
Taco, Fraug: would you be so kind as to explain to LimeyK what “flak” is, and why there is no way in hell that fucking energy lasers would behave like that?
The warp star rocked from the force, causing Meta Knight’s gloves to begin slipping.
The rest of his hand, though, was fine. It was just the gloves. Pesky little things…
Mario glanced over to him with concern.
“Hold on!” He yelled over the rushing wind.
“Agh, I can’t dammit!” Meta Knight struggled to hang on with all his might, but his gloves slowly but surely slipped off until he was hanging onto nothing.
Meta Knight flailed about in midair as he clumsily tumbled back along Mario and then Victor.
“Grab my leg!”
Victor made a last ditch attempt and stuck out his leg which Meta Knight was rolling towards.
He luckily clamped on and shut his eyes while he hung on as tight as he could.
The blue star warrior rapidly shook his head and raged wildly, “This is some bullshit!”
First of all, wow. For a fic that can barely be assed to spend a whole lot of time on the action scenes, it sure seems content to concentrate more time on one minor little action that ultimately doesn’t really mean anything.
Second of all, I think this might be the phrase you’re looking for, Meta Knight:
I mean, if you’re gonna bitch, you might as well do it right, yeah?
Anyway, we then get a line break back to the Great Fox’s bridge. The team recognizes Meta Knight (how they do so when he’s not wearing his mask is never explained), but that’s tossed aside as Andreas recognizes Vic.
More explosions continued to cripple the side of the ship as the bridge shook more.
Well gee, thanks for the spoilers, narration! It’s not like you could’ve, oh, I dunno, not used a word that would’ve made the Great Fox’s crash-landing an inevitability?
ROB 64 rapidly tapped on some of the monitors while the com repeatedly blared, “Warning: hull taking damage; cannot sustain.”
Cannot sustain… a sustainable fishing practice? An electric current? A high b-flat?
What, fic? What can’t the Great Fox sustain?
Falco was now becoming annoyed, “Can’t we fire anything back at these guys?”
I’m thinking the laser turret that’s right underneath the cockpit of the Great Fox might be a good place to start. You know, the laser turret that can shoot your characters out of the arena if you happen to fall into its line of fire?
Or, you know, there are also Arwings.
“Unless you want to go out there now in your Arwing, be my guest!” Fox gave him a sarcastic motion amid more vibrations.
Slippy backed his leader up, “Besides, our frontal cannons are useless against small fighters!”
What, like smashers? Bitch please, just figure out where the hell Ness is hiding out and you can do this:
Andreas was still fixed on the warp star right in front of them.
And how, pray tell, did he manage to warp out of the Great Fox without anybody noticing?
Anyway, we then get another line break, and we cut back to Kirby. The Warp Star approaches Peach’s Castle, blah, blah, and then they speed off faster than the Great Fox. When we cut back to the Great Fox…
“Hey, why are we losing them?!” Falco roughly asked upon noticing.
Um… ‘cause it’s smaller than you, you’re in an environment with an atmosphere that would produce friction, and you’re in the process of getting shot down?
It doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out why you’re falling behind, dumbass! Get with the program!
“Haul ass and increase thrusters!”
ROB 64 then spoke up in correction, “They’re not increasing speed; we’re losing power.”
Um… Okay, so that could mean they severed a fuel line or something. Great.
Two of the Wolfens meanwhile positioned themselves directly behind the Great Fox and lingered.
Inside, the ship’s com was interrupted by a rather elegant mannered voice, “I take it you all enjoyed the grand finale?”
Another more jovial and eager voice joined in, “Because here’s those Fireworks Wolf promised you!”
They were distinct voices that the Star Fox team instantly recognized: Panther and Leon.
Before Fox could respond however, a terrifying roar ripped through the ship, spewing flames all the way down the main hallway and into the bridge.
Andreas, Fox, Falco, Peppy, and Slippy all dove for cover behind the chairs.
“Oh fuck!” Fox ducked, covering his arms across his face as metallic debris loudly ricocheted all around the bridge.
Um… Panther and Leon took position right behind the Great Fox, right? ‘Cause depending on where they fired, I don’t believe that would cause an explosion all the way to the cockpit. Well, at least, not one that wouldn’t destroy the entire rest of the ship with the thrusters, anyway. Yeah, good way to blow up the whole ship.
But of course, because this is a fic by LimeyK…
The com could now only sputter incomprehensible static as thick black smoke began saturating the space.
“What on Venom happened back there?!” Slippy cried as he fearfully looked down the destroyed hallway.
Their robot swiveled over to join them behind cover and answered, “The thrusters and engine room have been destroyed with smart bombs from enemy fighters. All reserve fuel is spraying all around the interior and combusting. I regret to say the ship is losing speed and altitude at high rates as I speak.”
Andreas’ eyes widened as Fox gave everyone a determined yet visibly infuriated stare.
“We’re going down guys… the Great Fox is going down. Brace for impact.”
Yep. It doesn’t explode. It just decides to crash land. Because reasons.
Something tells me that LimeyK failed a science class or two. Possibly three. I mean, shit, dude, I’m an artist too, but I remember how science works! I’d be a pretty shit musician if I didn’t, considering that music requires knowledge of sound. You know, a scientific phenomenon.
But whatever, we’re actually done for the week. So I shall leave it here. I’ll see you guys next time when we start the last posted chapter of our Kamen Rider/Persona crossover.