1195: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eight, Part One

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by SC, Shades and Contacts

God, after that Killer7 riff, is it weird that Stone-Man85 is a welcome sight for me?

Contacts: I read that riff, I had a hard time just getting through the CANON stuff. Why did you think riffing Suda51 fics was a good idea?

Because I forgot Suda’s fucking insane and so is his fanbase?

Shades: You’d probably have had an easier run of things riffing a No More Heroes fic, at least that story didn’t require a connect-the-dots conspiracy board.

Yep, I was teh fool.

Well, in any event, we’re back on schedule now!

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex learned how to fire, and Isaac mocked him the whole way. Contacts is currently organizing a rescue effort to yoink Isaac out of the awful fic he’s trapped in, and is also filling in for Paulo this week because Paulo decided to take some extra time off. Can’t say I blame him.

With us as well is Shades, mainly because she didn’t have anything better to do. As is typical of the Specs and Co., of course.

We come now to chapter eight, which – because Stone-Man85 is apparently bad at portioning his chapters properly, or maybe he’s just bad at thinking of creative names – is actually a continuation of chapter seven. So I really don’t need to introduce it, because the title is the fucking same.

Contacts: Lame as shit, man.

You’re telling me.

So we’re going:

Back on the Mountains

And it’s time for more Sannabe and Friends!

Contacts and Shades: Yey.

As Kiba and Tsume

Contacts: Also known as Naruto Character and Other Naruto Character…

Yeah, I caught that too when I first saw it a chapter ago.

drew closer to the caravan of oxen and humans, San could feel the sensation of pure adrenaline rushing through her body, washing over her like the streams of falling rain.

Shades: Really, mate? Falling rain, is it? Because whenever I get hit by an adrenaline rush, it feels like I’m on fucking fire.

Contacts: I usually just get the kind of adrenaline that gives me nervous jitters and fucks with my body temperature, personally. But then again, our job descriptions kind of explain that for themselves.

Yeah, sneaky adrenaline and gunfight adrenaline do tend to be a tad opposite of each other.

Her dark eyes glinted like daggers behind her mask while her mouth twisted with anticipation.

Contacts: Twisted like a spi-?

If you reference Uzumaki, I will God damn end you.

Contacts: Nevermind.

She tightened her grip on her dagger as she imagined it slicing through the flesh of her first victim.

Contacts: I’ve seen her dagger. This could just be my bias talking, but it doesn’t really seem like a good slashing weapon.

I dunno, I think it might be workable.

Shades: It kind of looks a bit like a dagger out of Assassin’s Creed, from what I remember.

Which dagger, which Assassin’s Creed?

Shades: Mate, bladed weaponry is Specs’ territory, not mine. I can say that it’s 2, though.

So then one of the daggers from this weapon selection?

Boy, if my last playthrough of Assassin's Creed 2 was still fresh in my mind, I could name all these for you, but I can't at the moment.

Boy, if my last playthrough of Assassin’s Creed 2 was still fresh in my mind, I could name all these for you, but I can’t at the moment.

Shades: Yeah, the wider-bladed ones, one of those.

Yeah, I can see it. Those still slash, but they’d probably be better for stabbing, I can’t claim to know for certain.

The wolf-girl’s zest for the approaching battle was abruptly cut short when she saw a group men dressed in straw cloaks forming a straight line alongside the path.

Oh look, exactly what I thought would happen is happening. Their ambush has gone bust and they’re about to get their shit wrecked.

In each man’s hands was a long wooden pole with a thick bottle-shaped cylinder that was wrapped in bright-red paper. It was only when the first man removed the paper from his pole’s cylinder revealing the dark-metal object hidden beneath that San realized the danger that was about to befall her and her two brothers.

Shades: I’m entertaining the thought in my head that these lads just randomly had their guns wrapped in Christmas gift wrap and were waiting to rip the stuff off and be all, “SURPRISE!”

Contacts: HO HO HO BITCH-ASSES!

FUCK COAL, I’MA GIVE YOU BULLETS!

“Kiba!” she shouted.

“Yes’m?”

A deafening blast erupted from the bottle shaped cylinder’s muzzle which sent a small iron ball screaming through the air.

*Iron ball* “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH”

In a jagged flash of light the ball struck the ground just a few paces ahead of Kiba.

Shades: “Flash of light?” What, did Eboshi suddenly develop tracer rounds? Once the gun fires, the bullet’s nearly invisible, it doesn’t just glow like a bloody torch.

Yeah, funny story, all those action movies where the bullets are zipping by like little firebugs and blowing everything up? Special effects and pyrotechnics. In reality, you don’t see the bullet until it hits whatever it’s flying towards, unless – like Shades said – it’s a tracer round, which is designed to burst into flames upon being fired, more as a means of helping rapid-fire gun operators (especially those of miniguns and LMGs) keep their aim in check because the guns they use fire so many bullets all at once that it can be kind of hard to keep your sights on the target. Tracer rounds are also very highly advanced projectile technology compared to what Eboshi and her men have now, what with the rifling and the aerodynamic design and the chemical research and the fight trajectory and so many other things that Muromachi gunners simply wouldn’t have a clue about, so there’s no conceivable way that their bullets are that flashy. Stone-Man85’s been watching too many action films, I take it.

Contacts: And even if Stone-Man85 managed to bullshit a way into existence for Eboshi to have tracer balls, due to how unrefined Muromachi guns were, and therefore how large the ammunition was, it certainly wouldn’t look like the aforementioned zipping firebugs, it would look like what we imagine sci-fi laser beams to look like.

Overall, that ain’t how guns work here, Alex.

Three more shots followed, each of them just missing the wolves and the girl by mere inches. When they ricocheted off the rocks and trees, they emitted chilling shrieks that tore through the air.

Okay, Stone-Man85? The screaming projectile thing doesn’t apply to bullets. Bullets do not scream as they fly through the air, because they move too fast to have a chance. What you’re describing is a CANNON SHOT, you dumbass.

“That way!” San ordered Kiba and pointed her left arm to the side, gesturing for Tsume to follow. As they made the sharp turn, more of the iron projectiles were fired at them.

Shades: Yeah, hi! Gestures can be seen both by sharp-eyed marksmen as well as yourself! Now you need to redirect your movements again because they’re going to lead their shots on you, idiot!

Cowards! the wolf-girl thought to herself. They hide behind their guns like helpless cowards, because they know we’ll kill them otherwise.

Contacts: …So, in Sannabe’s mind, it’s cowardly to have enough presence of mind and will to survive that one would think to fight in defense of one’s self with the strongest weapons they have on hand? Funny, that’s called pragmatism where I come from.

Yeah, and I’m pretty sure most people would call bringing your strongest weapons to bear smart thinking, because it gives them more of a challenge to tackle, and because it means their enemies are well enough in the know about who they’re fighting to not want to risk having sub-standard equipment for the job. That’s not cowardice, that’s preparedness.

Shades: I get the impression that Sannabe is just grumpy that their shitty ambush got botched and so now she’s throwing petty insults about because she’s got no other means of retaliation.

Don’t ever let her play Triple Triad. Even a weak shitlord like Contacts would dust her ass.

Contacts: And believe me, I am NOT good at Triple Triad. Fuckin’ Specs keeps hitting me with the Direct trade rule, and his deck is unreasonably powerful as compared to my crappy deck. I used to have like three hundred cards, now I have less than fifty. Seriously, fuck Specs.

When she looked over her shoulder, she saw that several of the oxen had broken away from their drivers and were now running down the mountain in a panicking frenzy.

They were trying to get away from the imminent shitty fight scene.

She smiled and sniggered when she thought about all the rice that would lost with those oxen. If they couldn’t kill the humans directly they next best thing they could do was cripple their food supply.

Yes, fuck up A FRACTION OF ONE SHIPMENT OF RICE THEY’VE LIKELY BEEN STOCKPILING FOR SOME TIME NOW. That’ll show them!

I mean, there is some truth to the, “destroy food transports” thing. For one thing, it’s demoralizing, and for another, it could seriously hamper the receiving party if they’re low on the lost resources. But the people Sannabe is attacking are people who have had to prepare for the likelihood of war coming to their doorstep, and FAST, which means that they’ve likely expedited acquisition and transportation of valuable resources like food and metal, so you damaging part of one convoy could either mean nothing or hardly anything. Not to mention, Moro only really started attacking them when they suddenly started back-cutting the forest to get at valuable metals for their guns, AFTER their usual method dried up, which means that before, she probably left them alone for the most part, WHICH MEANS THEY’VE HAD TIME TO STOCKPILE A SIGNIFICANT SUPPLY.

Sannabe, you didn’t do shit to hurt them, stop acting like you’ve achieved some great victory.

“We’re going in for another pass,” she barked while tugging at a handful of Kiba’s neck fur.

Contacts: Your ambush failed, and they’re still tracking you with their shots. The worst damage you did was freak out some oxen who happened to be transporting rice, and most of the work was on their end. Why would you try a second pass? You already blew it, moron. Pull back and regroup, it’s all you can do now.

You think Sannabe is smart enough to know about tactical retreats?

Shades: This your first time sitting in on this riff, mate?

Contacts: Am I gonna need a crying bag?

Just watch.

The large wolf replied with an affirmative growl and twisted around until he was once again charging the caravan. When they were just another few seconds away from the line of bellowing oxen, San whipped her arm through the air and sent her dagger spiraling into the thick hide of an already agitated ox.

Contacts: …You just fucking disarmed yourself. For the sake of milking whatever damage you still could out of your failed ambush. Oh my God, you fucking disgrace.

The black pelted animal gave of a shrill cry of pain and and began to twist and buck around the path, kicking a few drivers off the cliff and into the surging river hundreds of feet below.

Shades: Welp, they’re dead.

Most definitely.

With another pain filled cry, the ox trampled over its own driver and barreled down the path.

Shades: And he’s dead, too.

Yup.

“Damn!” San cursed.

“You hit the ox, didn’t you?” Kiba asked as he continued to run between the skeletons of dead trees while dodging another barrage of the iron projectiles. “Was it not your strategy to injure the ox and start an uproar?”

San chuckled and brought her head close to the wolf’s ear, “Actually I was aiming for the ox driver himself.”

Contacts: YOU DIDN’T EVEN HIT THE TARGET YOU WERE AIMING FOR?! YOU WENT AROUND FOR A SECOND PASS ALL SO THAT YOU COULD MOTHERFUCKING MISS?!

*Contacts sshadowsteps out of the room; when he returns, he is carrying a very large bottle of booze*

I hope you got Ghostie’s permission before you swiped that.

Contacts: I’m a fucking thief, take a wild guess what I DIDN’T do. Shades, hurry up and help me drink this shit, I need to black out NOW before Ghostie finds me and before Sannabe makes me start crying from how stupid she is.

Shades: Aye, cap’n!

Well, I’m about to be down two guests. Thankfully, we’re actually pretty close to being done, so I might still pull through before I lose them.

She looked down the line of oxen and humans until she saw the object of her most vicious hatred.

Eboshi?

The woman whom had brought all this pain and suffering to her forests and who had given the humans the weapons that spit iron like balls of lightning.

Eboshi.

The humans who lived under her command called her Lady Eboshi, and it was her blood alone that San craved more than anything else.

Stone-Man85 somehow managed to keep THAT part canon. What a fuckin’ miracle.

Drunk As Piss Contacts: Ah’ need uh meeeer-cuhll, ah’ need ta beeeer-gurhl…

Lightly Buzzed Shades: Give me a chance to see, that you were made for me– wait, is he already almost gone? What a bloody lightweight!

You just opened the bottle. Neither of you have even poured shots yet. Damn, what was Ghostie saving THIS stuff for? Do I even WANT to know?

Slightly More Buzzed Shades: *uncharacteristically girlish giggle*

More to the point, if the fumes are hitting them this hard, how am I not being effected?

As the woman stood in a stiff posture of authority that amplified her every arrogant features, the riflemen she controlled with only mere words, huddled around her with their guns held at the ready.

They reloaded that fast, did they?

Fuckin’ Hammered Contacts: Summ’n sez reel-loaded? Dun’ mahnd if ah dooz!

*Contacts tries and fails to pour a shot, and instead just swigs from the bottle*

Sloshed Shades: ‘Ay, ye git! Ya gots ta shayr wit’ er’bahdee, wahn-kah!

*Shades bops Contacts on the head with a gun and swipes the bottle, which she then proceeds to swig from herself*

Oh dear. I need to move quickly, we’re already at the needless violence stage.

The distance between them lessened and San could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she imagined herself upon the gun-woman, tearing at her face and limbs with her bare hands.

Because dumbass decided to chuck her knife. Also, yeah, charge at an armed assault line who just finished reloading, that’ll end well.

‘I’m coming for you, Gun-Woman!’ she screamed in her mind as she and Kiba neared the ledge where the woman and her riflemen were awaiting them. She unsheathed the second dagger she had hidden away within her tattered garments

Oh look, Stone-Man85 managed to bullshit an excuse for San to still be armed after losing her only weapon!

Incoherently Wasted Contacts: Heeee~ Eehee, hee hee heeee~

God Damn Smashed Shades: Whasso funneh, j’bastert? Ah’ kills ye!

*Shades shakily fires one of her guns; the bullet bounces harmlessly off a wall and into the floor, and due to her weak grip, the recoil sends the gun out of her hand and into her face, knocking her out of her seat unconscious*

Shit, I lost one.

and held it in an anxious hand. But before she could do anything more, the wolf whom she was riding suddenly altered course and circled around the face of the mountain in a wide curve until he was running in the opposite direction.

Oh, look! Kiba grew a brain!

Near-Asleep Contacts: Ze pingee an’ ze bren~

Yes, very good.

“Kiba!” San screamed angrily at her elder brother, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I know you wish to engage the gun-woman, San!” Kiba retorted panting heavily, “But this is Mother’s battle now.

San raised her thin eyebrows. “Mother?” she then looked back and saw the hulking shape of Moro descending upon the caravan.

Oh right, Moro is in this fight too.

One of the men looked around the steel carriage, as someone came walking out of it. It was the same tanned man in the red coat; he held his sword’s hilt to his side, even as Yashahime stepped out. He turned around, still showing his scowl as he looked to her as she stepped on to the ground, “Mistress! What are you doing? The gods are still on the loose.”

*Bodyguard* “I mean, I’d love to see you get whacked, because the pay for this job is absolute shit, but this is an inconvenient time for it to happen that might be blamed on me later!”

She didn’t show any sign of fear or pain at this time. All she did, was walk to where the leader of the caravan was heading. Seeing she couldn’t be reasoned with at this time, the man followed after her.

*Bodyguard* “Well, there goes my paycheck…”

As soon as they made their way to the leader, her second-in-command, a brawly fellow hidden in his cloak, chuckled, “Ahahaha! They weren’t so tough.”

Listen here, you little shit-

“You idiot, they were just pups and one savage,” Yashahime answered, drawing the attention of both of them, as Yashahime smiled with a murderous intent, “Wait til’ you see their precious and murderous mother.”

…Uh, yeah, what she said.

“Princess Yashahime,” the leader of the group, Eboshi, said to her, but seemed slightly surprised even though her face didn’t show it, “I thought you were arriving in Iron Town via the safe way.”

So, has Eboshi been demoted to being the Boba Fett to Yashahime’s Palpatine, or…?

“I was, until I heard you would run into Moro and her children,” she then looked and she heard someone shout out that another wolf was spotted, “… and it seems that she’s already here.”

Now, that would have been where I ended this part, but then I saw this:

they saw a blur of silver high up from the mountains heading right towards them. Yashahime lifted her right hand up, allowing her sleeve to fall down to her elbows. This revealed a blue coated metal band on her wrist, and in the center of it a red gem embedded in the center of it. She smiled wickedly as the bracelet let out a black ooze that encompassed her naked flesh, and then steely blue tentacles shot out of it, wrapping around the arm, “I’ve waited for a moment such as this… Moro…”

To paraphrase Herr on the matter, we appear to be doing away with the complex morality plot in favor of some sub-par Sailor Moon bullshit. I kind of saw this coming, to be honest, because the author did it with Alex, and I knew from the wiki that Alex was only one of many to follow.

Well, that’ll do it for this week. Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I can only see this getting worse from here, and I can only see Paulo getting just as drunk as Contacts and Shades when he comes back and sees the shitstorm he’s jumping into. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Contacts and Shades, I’ll see you next time!

…Oh God, those booze fumes are really making me lightheaded all of a sudden. Get up, drunkies, riff’s over, we need to get out of this fucking room before I pass out… oh right, you fuckers are passed out, yourselves. Welp, bitch work is still hard work, and hard work wins in the end, so…

*SC drags the two unconscious Co. members out of the booze-fumigated riffing chamber by their ankles with some effort*

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31 Comments on “1195: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eight, Part One”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    If you reference Uzumaki, I will God damn end you.

    Hey, at least she doesn’t have a crescent-shaped scar. That wouldn’t end well if she did!

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You just opened the bottle. Neither of you have even poured shots yet. Damn, what was Ghostie saving THIS stuff for? Do I even WANT to know?

    Eh, she was probably saving it for My Angel, if that fic ever updated again. Hey, you never can be too sure!

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As the woman stood in a stiff posture of authority that amplified her every arrogant features, the riflemen she controlled with only mere words, huddled around her with their guns held at the ready.

    And there’s one comma too many in here.

    *plucks the second comma*

    There we go. Much better.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh right, Moro is in this fight too.

    Yeah, easy to forget that when she stupidly hangs back and is like “promptness in an ambush? What’s that!?”

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So, has Eboshi been demoted to being the Boba Fett to Yashahime’s Palpatine, or…?

    Which reminds me, I need to go back to reading ahead again…


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