1193: The Great Rift – Chapter Six

Title: The Great Rift
Author: LimeyK
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Drama/Adventure
URL: The Great Rift: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

(Snarker’s Note: Oh shit! I accidentally flipped the posting order. This should’ve been a Kamen Rider: Ryuki week, not a Great Rift week. Oh well. We’ll be back to normal posting order next week. Sorry for the confusion, y’all!)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to The Great Rift. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and today…

*sigh*

Oh dear. I think we have our longest chapter to date. And knowing this fic, it’s going to be awkward as all hell and dumb.

Well, let’s not waste any time, shall we? I for one am looking forward to seeing something happen in this turkey, and I think something might actually happen in this installment.

We open with this:

Swarming around Victor were the reporters, ever persistent with their questions flying from left and right.

They liked to write their questions on placards attached to flying monkeys, you see. Makes it more dramatic that way.

By now the human had become numb in both feelings and thoughts, mostly from the previous few questions leaving him so confused.

Which is why you thought to tell us this in narration, instead of show it in any capacity. You know.

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 14

He felt a nudge on his shoulder which caused him to snap back and turned to face Little Mac, who seemed to be admiring his similar muscular figure.

“Yo, so uh… Victor, you look like you work out.” The young boxer commented over the reporters.

Victor blinked twice before laughing agreeably, “Yeah Little Mac, how’d you guess?”

“From one pro to another, we pretty much have the same form. Do you box? You must.”

First of all, if they work out why would they have the same physique? I can’t imagine from what little has been described that Vic could be anywhere near as ripped as Little Mac is, and I doubt it especially considering that Vic’s height hasn’t been established. And wait, how the hell would Little Mac be able to tell that while Vic is wearing that sweatshirt? I mean, Little Mac is constantly shirtless so I could see how Vic could see that, but Vic has a sweatshirt on! Unless he’s so ripped the sweatshirt is about to burst, I call bullshit.

And what the fuck is Little Mac doing asking this question while he’s already being overwhelmed by reporters? No, really, I’d love to know how you got past all the reporters with possibly legit questions to ask how he got as ripped as you did.

Also, is it me, or should “as ripped as Little Mac” count as a Stu trait?

Little Mac held up his fist to which Victor bumped it in a firm yet friendly manner.

“Ooh, nice touch you have there. By the way, just call me Mac.”

*frown*

Hang on, I gotta find the right background music for that. Gimme just a sec…

[Three Hours Later]

Ah, found just the thing! Here:

And here I thought you were saving yourself for Andreas, Vic! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Indeed, other than the young boxer having black hair versus his blonde, the two practically did look identical with the same spiked hairstyle, bright blue eyes, height, and of course their body builds.

So essentially, Vic is a clone of Little Mac, is what you’re trying to tell me.

“Well I kick box, so I guess that’s close enough right?”

Oh, except he kickboxes. Right, of course.

I’m fast losing my ability in LimeyK’s ability to write Vic and Andreas. I totally don’t know why, but I am…

With an impressed nod Little Mac replied, “I think we could be friends, man. Doc would love to meet you.”

“In fact, I bet he would love to meet… all of you…” *wink*

Mario and Kirby, along with Luigi and the others, still seemed to be ignored so they were all waiting around to the side rather awkwardly amid the clamor of questions yet flowing from reporters.

*sigh*

Can something happen, please? Jeez, it’s been five chapters of nothing but set-up, can something please fucking happen!?

All their voices began to be silenced however when a deep ambient rumble became audible.

“Woof.”

*headdesk*

Oh goddammit, there goes Swenia again. Ninjas! Get her to the hospital! And make sure she doesn’t blow it up this time!

[Two Hours Later]

Okay, so we’re going to bring her there unsedated this time, and hopefully it’ll do the trick.

From the distant clouds, the menacing shape of the Halberd was rapidly approaching.

The stadium hushed once more as one of the spotters scrambled down from a sort of crow’s nest atop one of the spires and called into the press box, “Meta Knight is here!”

*frown*

A “sort of crow’s nest”? So is it a crow’s nest, and if it’s not what is it?

*BAM*

Stop it with the vague description and actually start telling us what is in this arena!

Jesus Christ!

Victor, Mario, Kirby, and the other combatants all gazed up as the massive ship emerged over the stadium, blanketing it in stark shadows against the clear sky above.

Kirby seemed to be the only one brightening with joy as he recognized the Halberd. “Poyo!”

Um, why would anybody think that the Halberd’s entrance is foreboding in this case? The only reason the Halberd was threatening in Subspace Emissary was because it was accompanied by menacing red clouds. But of course, in LimeyK’s attempt to be “visually demanding”, it seems he forgot that little detail.

So that means that the fucking pink puffball with a mind of a child is the only one with any common sense around here.

That’s pretty sad, guys. That’s pretty, pretty sad.

The rumbling in the stadium reached a peak volume, with the force causing the large display board to blow its fuses, zapping to black with a shower of sparks before suddenly tapering off as the ship slowed and came to a suspended hover above.

News cameras also shut off, much to the confusion of their operators as if it was some sort of EMP blast.

Really? The rumbling was so loud it functioned as a fucking electro-magnetic pulse?

*headdesk*

You know what, I’m not even going to bother asking Taco to deconstruct that. I’m pretty sure anyone who’s taken a high school physics course can tell you why that’s bullshit without having to turn to the math to do it.

The bay doors then began to slowly open with a loud hiss.

Once the belly of the ship was fully agape, all the sound seemed to promptly cut out to an eerie silence.

And stop describing things like this is a movie! It doesn’t “cut” to an eerie silence, all sound stopped! And what the hell do you mean “seemed”? Was there silence in the arena, or was there not silence in the arena?

*headdesk*

Our “visually demanding” story, ladies and gentlemen: it’s so visually demanding even it can’t seem to make up its mind what it wants the reader to imagine.

Several moments passed until a tiny figure was thrown out from the bay emitting a furious yell that echoed around the stadium.

How the hell a docking bay managed to let out a yell was anybody’s guess.

The crowd collectively gasped and some even screamed as this figure plummeted hundreds of feet toward the fighting platform below.

Mario squinted his eyes before developing a shocked realization on who the figure actually was.

“Mama-mia, it’s-a-Meta Knight!”

He still didn’t have the shock fully realized yet, though. That wouldn’t happen for another twenty minutes. His shock is prone to development hell, you know what I’m saying?

Even though all the cameras were blown one of the reporters wailed, “Folks, I cannot believe what I’m seeing! This is crazy!”

“We’re stuck in a shitty fanfic where all but three of the paragraphs have more than two sentences! Run for the hills, everyone! Run for the hills!”

Backing up, everyone began forming a clearing where Meta Knight was going to impact.

Only Kirby remained in the middle of the clearing with a determined look on his face.

He inhaled deeply and puffed himself up, bracing for the coming collision.

Hang on a second.

Ah, there we go.

What? If he’s going to take ages to fall, I might as well give him an actual thing to take forever to—

Thousands watched as a yelling Meta Knight bound tightly in ropes struck Kirby, who simply absorbed the force.

The blue star warrior ricocheted off at a low angle and sloppily bounced across the platform with his metal armor plates clanking comically.

*headdesk*

LimeyK, I am assuming you want this moment to be “oh shit, the bad guys just arrived”. If you want this moment to be that, why the fuck did you think it was a good idea to describe something as clanking “comically”?

*BAM*

Kirby waddled over to him and gently poked his mask, causing his eyes to dart over to see who it was.

He rolled up onto his feet, exclaiming with eager gratitude, “Kirby, it’s a damn good thing you were here! I owe you a big one!”

*frown*

Wait, what?

“Poyo!” His pink friend and savior happily replied with a gentle accompanying hug.

Mario, Luigi, and Victor now approached them too.

“Oh Meta Knight, what-a-happened?!” Luigi asked with angst.

Meta Knight grunted angrily as he struggled to free himself from being bound.

“I could use some help here people!”

Mario and Luigi came to his aid as his eyes glared furiously up to the still hovering Halberd.

“The bastards mutinied!” He howled with indignation. “They invaded my ship and the crew all turned on me! They tied me up and didn’t tell me squat!”

*headdesk*

Really? Meta Knight is usually a dignified character, right? He’s not normally jumpy and stuff, ou know!

Victor and the crowd of combatants and reporters stared at him with confusion.

Even his fellow star warrior Kirby seemed unsure of what to think.

All he could think about was “man, wouldn’t it be nice if those two sentences were part of the same paragraph”…

“They kept me in the brig, and I think they made a few stops somewhere, but really the next thing I knew I was here falling to my death! Look, I don’t even have my cape; I feel naked!”

He finished his little rant as he began glancing around at all the fighters present.

Um, Tiff, would you mind telling us what you think of Meta Knight being way jumpier than he is in canon?

The Great Rift Meta Knight Thing

Thank you. It’s not optimism this time around, but the idea is close enough: Meta Knight isn’t some over-emotional ninny. He’s calm and rather collected.

Not that I expect in-character writing from the guy who wrote Falco Lombardi like he was George Zimmerman or wrote Lucina as a girl willing to throw double entendres at her own father, but hey, it’s whatever, right?

“Well, it seems the party started without me… as usual.” The blue star warrior straightened his mask. “You know, I was actually looking forward to this one!”

Much like the audience is looking forward to the point where you actually start acting in character and not like a pissy little bitch who’s more uptight than a politician.

His beady eyes crossed Victor and stopped at his strange clothing and appearance compared to everyone else.

“And who are you for one?” He grumpily inquired as Victor was still staring upward.

And that’s another thing. Isn’t there a ship hovering ominously above the action? What the hell was anyone in that ship doing while Meta Knight was on that little rant?

Suddenly another loud clang came from the opened bay under the ship.

Oh, thank you for remembering the ship was still there.

Now out flew a large and graceful figure that seemed to be carrying a sort of spherical cargo.

As it drew closer, the figure appeared to be cloaked and hooded with an open slit for a pair of glowing yellow eyes.

*throws temporal sickness bags to the audience*

Sorry about the tense shift! It catches me off guard, too!

The cargo bore a large red x across its face.

Welp, I think I know what this “mysterious” cargo is.

In a continuing silence, the mysterious figure descended to the platform and came to a stop while still hovering several feet above.

Several feet above… the pavement? The audience? The reporters?

*headdesk*

Our “visually demanding” style, ladies and gentlemen.

Meta Knight immediately recognizes the figure and is all “mutiny, what the hell are you doing?” The figure then drops the cargo in there, and MK is just like “wait, what, that wasn’t in there!”

And then—

The sides emitted a loud hiss and suddenly extended outward, revealing a strange morphing black and blue sphere within an electrical tube.

Below it, a timer set at five minutes began counting down.

Victor’s heart just about skipped a beat as his face flushed pale.

“It’s a… It’s a bomb…!”

Or, a subspace bomb, to be more precise:

Welp, looks like LimeyK really isn’t as imaginative as we all thought. This bit right here is pretty much nothing but plot regurgitation of Subspace Emissary with about five thousand other characters (and a self-insert) present. I mean, it’s right down to the design of the subspace bomb and the amount of time on the timer, too!

*BAM*

At least he has the characters talk, or something. Hopefully that’ll differentiate it from Subspace Emissary.

Mario, Luigi, Kirby, Meta Knight, and the others also grew shocked looks.

I didn’t think you could make honeysuckle look like The Scream without some manipulation from outside, but hey: I’ve seen weirder.

Vic, once again showing he’s a better human being than most self-inserts we see at the Library, is all “people need to get out of here”, which a Toad referee parrots by saying “evacuate people”. The stadium goes a little chaotic, and then there’s total chaos where people start getting out of the stadium.

Worse was yet to come however,

*BAM*

If this is anything like Subspace Emissary, we know how the story will go: the bomb will blow up, the stadium will get sucked into subspace, and then the adventure begins from there. And even with that, this is the first piece of conflict in the story: if you know what you’re doing, then it’s easy to assume things’ll get worse before they get better.

It’s already predictable enough. It doesn’t need your telegraphing prose to be predictable, LimeyK. Just saying.

because as the mysterious figure elegantly ascended back towards the Halberd, a blanket of purple mist now began pouring like a waterfall from the opened bay.

And there go the little blobules that spawn most of the Subspace Emissary enemies. Yep, exactly like Subspace Emissary!

Anyway, the blobs form into monsters, Link draws his sword, and—

“What in blue blazes are these things?!”

Um, they’re things that you’ve fought in the past? Unless Subspace Emissary is just a thing that hasn’t happened in this universe? ‘Cause hey, that’s possible too, given that LimeyK didn’t think to establish anything like, I dunno, setting!

Meta Knight reached for his Galaxia sword but to his utter dismay found it missing.

He hit his mask with his glove in a face palm manner.

“Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, they take my sword!”

I don’t know what you were expecting when you were thrown into an incredibly purple and super pretentious take on Subspace Emissary, but… well, to be honest, it probably wouldn’t be “I have no sword” either. So yeah.

Mario glanced at Luigi beside him, whose legs were noticeably trembling once more.

“Well bro, looks-a-like you’re gonna get your match a bit early!” Mario patted him on the shoulder in an attempt to bring some lighter humor to the situation.

The brothers took up defensive stances, as did the other fighters right after.

You know, you’re taking an awfully long time to get ready. Seriously, it’s like you’re moving in slow motion to fight this threat!

Come on guys, stop talking and do something!

Meta Knight was still wide eyed in complete disbelief.

“They take my sword!”

*BAM*

And you stop whining. There’ll be plenty of time for that later.

Anyway, Kirby proceeds to carry Meta Knight away, and Vic slaps himself in the face and says “I must be in a dream, and that means—

I can do anything in a dream! I can fight these things by the dozen!

Please let this mean that Vic’ll have a moment where he tries to do that and falls flat on his face in the attempt.

With that, he also got in a martial arts style defensive stance and stood in between Mario and Link.

They both shifted their eyes and gave Victor a surprised glance.

“So you do smash-a-too Victor?” Mario asked as some of the approaching robots began conjuring laser swords, shields, and other weapons.

Victor was confident, but he still swallowed while nodding, “You have no idea.”

Okay, LimeyK, seriously. Are you done yet?

Okay, now as I was—

Link kneeled, clasped his master sword tightly, and took a deep breath while closing his eyes to focus his strength.

The triforce symbol on the back of his hand began glowing.

Up in the royal audience, Zelda noticed hers was glowing as well.

*BAM*

Oh my God, I have never seen more blatant padding outside of fucking Homura Afterstory. And here, LimeyK isn’t even trying to pad the word count out to make himself look more intelligent than he is! This is just… Holy Jesus!

How much can you pad a story out before a fight scene?

Aaack!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Just, please let there be some fucking action!

Link’s eyes then suddenly snapped open and he let out a strong courageous yell.

“Hyaaah!”

He leaped forward and swung in a huge arc, cleaving several of the robots in two.

Thank you! Jesus Christ, it’s about fucking time. And watch, it’s going to grind to a halt again, too…

Their figure pieces merely dissolved back into the purple particles and evaporated in thin air.

Link turned back and gave Victor and the others a determined grunt and smile, raising his sword in the air.

Meta Knight forcefully shoved his way past Kirby in vengeful anger, “Just let me get my hands on ’em! I’ll rip you all to shreds!”

Thank you, Meta Knight, for that completely unnecessary little outburst. Why, if you hadn’t already been speaking for several lines, I might’ve said you were completely out of character!

Anyway, the fighters then charge towards the robots, and finally we get an action scene. And… well…

*headdesk*

Just look at this:

Complete chaos broke out as pieces of robot bodies began flying this way and that.

Amid the panicked screams of the audience still struggling to exit the arena, swords clashed, fists smashed, and purple particles began rising like a huge steam bath explosion as the robots were being destroyed in large numbers.

Link executed some impressive combos, shish-kabobing a pair on his sword while Luigi swung his arms around wildly, catching several in his signature cyclone move.

Mario ducked as one dove overhead and swung his leg out, tripping another.

He finally stood up and delivered a fiery smash punch to a third, knocking it back through the air into the crowd.

Kirby inhaled several before spitting them out as stars before following up with several powerful kicks and back-dropped several of his nearby foes.

Yoshi flutter kicked over the crowd and landed with a slamming ground pound.

He flipped up and also head-butted, kicked, even tongue-grabbed a number of robots.

Meta Knight leaped from robot to robot in a rage, bluntly slugging any in his path.

“Take this, you thieves! You rats!”

On one of them, he grabbed its feathered antenna and barbarically smashed its head against his mask.

Donkey Kong thundered his way across the platform, knocking anyone in his path aside while Diddy scored some bulls-eyes with his peanut popgun.

Captain Falcon pulled a direct knee to one while grabbing another and tossing it upward before leaping into the air.

The bounty hunter smashed the foe down into the platform face first, causing the figure to practically burst into mist.

Only Victor was awkwardly stepping around the fray with fists up, perhaps purposely trying to avoid any engagement.

Jesus, and we all thought that Legend of Dragoon fic was bad with its repeated mentions of “and then this guy did this tactic to overpower the enemy”.

*sigh*

Authors, as I’ve told Neji7Hyuga once, it doesn’t matter if a person wins an engagement. There needs to be a sense of struggle involved. It’s like telling someone about a video game: the euphoria of being all-powerful is interesting to feel while you’re in a video game, but telling it to others… there’s no tension!

Just like this! It’s just a parade of people showing off their moves! There’s no sense of tension! They just destroy robots, they’re amazing at it… frankly, what the fuck is the point?

*headdesk*

And now this isn’t even conflating film with fiction, unless he’s suddenly become a fan of Equilibrium or something. This is just conflating video game playing with good storytelling!

*headdesk*

Ugh, I’m going to skip pretty much the rest of the fight scene. Well, except for one thing:

Then again though, he had none to fight while keeping in the center.

As if on cue, several robots holding laser swords suddenly jumped down and charged him.

Victor shuffled his feet like a true kick boxer in form and bellowed energetically, “Who wants some?”

Probably one opponent. Kick-boxing wasn’t really designed to handle multiple opponents, last I checked…

Unluckily for him though, a large blue blast of lightning struck in the middle of them.

Out of the rising purple mist leaped Pikachu, Jiggly Puff, Charizard, and Greninja onto the platform with Red following close behind, grinning eagerly.

“Ha, don’t think we’re staying out of the action!”

The trainer swiveled his cap to the side as Pikachu sprung further into the frantic fray, shooting electricity from his cheeks.

Victor watched annoyed as Red passed and called after him, “You just stole my KOs, you know!”

Oh put a sock in it.

Anyway, we get more fight, yada yada, Vic gets told by Marth and Little Mac he’s not KOing anything, Ike kicks some ass, and—

Looking around the chaotic battle, he witnessed numbers of the other smashers getting tackled or slain by overwhelming groups of robotic fighters, subsequently getting smashed or thrown off the platform to their doom.

Oh gee, some of the smashers are actually losing. If only there could’ve been some narration concentrated on them. Oh, wait, I forgot, they’re not named: it’s all fair when they have no names, isn’t it?

A sudden struggling cry pierced Ike’s ears and he glanced behind to see Lucina becoming surrounded as well.

She was being forced to back up dangerously close to the edge and began panicking, losing her ability to deal with so many while being closed in from all sides.

With bold determination he lunged across the platform to her aid, yelling wildly and slicing half a dozen robots in two with a single swing.

“Ike…!” Lucina seemed shocked that he had come to rescue her like that.

The mercenary gave her a brief nod before they both fought on together, guarding each other’s rear.

*headdesk*

And of course, the one time it happens to a named character, it’s the normally hard-ass woman who is way more than capable of defending herself that gets in trouble. And of course, she ends up needing to be saved by the big, strong man. Even though her fighting ability was shown to be second to none in the source materials, and in fact she was mistaken for a man in the early parts of Awakening.

*headdesk*

Jesus Christ, the Library can’t seem to escape casual sexism even when the author has pretty much all but told us a gay relationship is going to happen at some point! That’s pretty bad that you can be so socially progressive and then so socially regressive in the same breath!

The situation was becoming dire as the surviving fighters were forced to fall back into their initial defensive ring.

It’s too bad that we have to be told this instead of be shown this.

You know. Something that doesn’t involve a little bit of…

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 15

Up in the audience stands, remaining spectators still desperately trying to escape were not spared from the onslaught either.

Even so, more robots kept forming and jumping down from the sides.

Yeah, I’ll just sit here and pretend I care.

Anyway, after that, we get a line break, and we cut to Palutena walking in and finding that Pit isn’t in the room. So of course, she goes to check the altar, and finds the battle going on. She then runs over to the garden searching for Pit. There’s nothing really that notable about that scene, so I am going to cut to the next line break, wherein…

Watching from the royal balcony while the majority of other members had already evacuated, Zelda, Peach, and Daisy remained.

Toadsworth and Birdo were anxiously backing up toward the doorway.

“Oh Princess Toadstool, I beg you we must all leave now!” The steward insisted, but Peach seemed to be fixed on the battle down below and gave no answer.

Um, LimeyK, why is it that Peach’s reaction is to give no answer? Unless…

Well, Peach, I didn’t know your reaction to combat against robots was something like this:

Toadsworth threw up his short arms and cried, “Oh dear, I’m getting out of here before it’s too late! Come Birdo!”

Birdo was helplessly watching Yoshi becoming surrounded by robots, but he regained his balance and charged forward with a head-butt, bashing them aside like bowling pins.[/quote]

Whoah there! When did Birdo get a sex change, and when was Birdo down in the fray fighting these things with everyone else?

[quote]She closed her eyes and sighed in relief before turning to follow a hobbling Toadsworth down the stairs.

Oooooooh, that was actually Yoshi that did the fighting. Birdo just watched.

Huh, the things that dangling modifiers will do, right patrons?

Zelda meanwhile was holding her wrist with the glowing triforce symbol, worriedly watching her hero of time fighting gallantly down below.

Much like she should be: remember, kiddies, those Triforce symbols only start glowing when all three pieces of the Triforce are in the same place. So if they’re glowing on Link and Zelda’s hand, Ganon can’t be far behind.

Not that I expect Zelda to remember this given that LimeyK has made it a point to fuck up every canon in Smash Bros, but hey. It’s nice to hope, right?

Peach and Daisy were doing likewise with their heroic Mario brothers and seemed unsure of what to do.

“We gotta do something to help them, sis!” Daisy anxiously insisted. “Poor Louie’s fighting for his life!”

Thank you Daisy for suggesting they do something useful. Now if only she could tell that to the entire rest of this poorly-paced, overly-padded fic.

Zelda however was astute with determination.

*headdesk*

LimeyK, “astute” does not mean what you think it means. Let’s see what it means according to a dictionary, yeah?

having or showing an ability to accurately assess situations or people and turn this to one’s advantage.

So with that said: how the fuck is she ‘astute’ with determination!?

*BAM*

Good Jesus, dude, stop abusing purple prose! You’re not good at it!

So then Zelda and Daisy jump off to join the fray, while Peach just stands there being all “uh, oh dear, what do I do”.

Not that this bit of uncertainty on their part completely flies in the face of the fact that Peach and Zelda leapt into the fray without any hesitation when this exact thing happened in Subspace Emissary, but hey. Women are totally the weaker gender, right? Pfft, we can’t have them be headstrong in any case, they’ve got to have doubts about jumping in first!

*headdesk*

Jeez, I wouldn’t take LimeyK for being a sexist prick, but he’s starting to get there pretty quickly.

Anyway, after that, we get a line break, and then—

By now most of the robots on the platform had been destroyed, but there were still others around the audience stands beginning to move into the stadium itself.

Oh goddammit, we transitioned into the same scene again!

*BAM*

You don’t see George Lucas use a diamond-head transition in the middle of a fight scene between Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi, do you? No? So that should tell you just how bad it is to do transitions in the middle of a fucking scene!

*BAM*

Donkey!

Anyway, Daisy joins the fray, and then they clear the way back to the training area. Of course…

Their hopes were tarnished when a sudden explosion splintered the ramp to pieces.

Meta Knight’s eyes shot up to see a flurry of bob-ombs raining down from the Halberd.

“Bob-ombs! Everyone hit the deck!”

Finally, we’re being shown a threat here. It’s too little too late, but fuck it, I’ll take it.

Explosions began violently rocking the stadium as bob-ombs struck various areas.

A good number of panicked spectators were still around the bleachers as they fell, blasting them into oblivion.

Well. It looks like we’ve graduated from a silly crossover story in the canon to one where civilians and smashers are getting bombed indiscriminately. And given that this fic implies that cartoon physics are specifically caused by that stupid little trophy thing…

Damn. This got needlessly dark really quickly, didn’t it?

The smashers desperately took cover against the platform and hoped for the best, but not all were lucky.

Yoshi tried his best to flatten against the surface, covering his large eyes while other smashers were blown off their feet from impacts.

Marth, Roy, Little Mac, and Victor huddled together near the edge as it was all they could do right then, but a few bob-ombs struck the large display board far above.

Jesus Christ, bad guys! If you were going to bomb the smashers to death anyway, why bother with the Subspace Bomb? Regular bombs can get the job of “kill them all” done just as well, you know!

The screen blew off its mount and began plummeting through the air directly towards where they were on the platform.

*crickets*

Oh thank God, I think they got Swenia’s barking under control. Well, that, or it’s not loud enough to vaporize hospitals. Thank Christ for that small mercy.

“Uh, guys!?” Victor glanced up to see the huge object barreling down as did Marth, Roy, and Little Mac.

“Move it!” The four got up and tried to make a desperate dive out of the way right as the screen impacted that corner of the platform with a splitting crash, causing a large chunk to chip off.

The young boxer was struck upward across the head by a brick sized piece of debris which knocked him out cold, causing his limp body to rotate and fall over the edge.

Oh dear… So this is the part where the hope spot loses its edge, right? Sorry, after the show of invincible Smash fighting you showed us earlier, you’ll have to work a bit harder than that to get me to believe these guys are in any danger.

Roy was positioned in such a way on the edge of this chunk that broke off so he lost his balance and fell backward into nothing.

Marth’s arm desperately reached out and caught his cape, but wasn’t expecting the weight of Roy’s free fall.

Marth and Roy tripped off the platform but managed to grasp feebly onto the edge.

This all happened so fast that Victor, who had also gotten knocked back, watched almost dazed with no real sense on what to do.

You can hit backspace a few time so the first three sentences are in the same paragraph. Perhaps then you can give them purchase to grab on to so they can slide down to safety.

I mean, shit, look at the good it did for Tigger:

“Help us, friend!” Marth called, but the human was too hesitant to act.

“I can’t…!” His hand slipped, sending the two swordsmen tumbling down to the water far below.

*frown*

Wait, so did Vic become too hesitant to act, but then he lunged forward anyway and couldn’t grab Marth’s hand in time? Or did Vic do the Lion King thing where he threw Marth off and they both plummeted to their deaths? Or was that Marth who was too…?

I don’t fucking know, man! There are three “he”s running around in that scene, you can’t just say “his hand” and expect me to know whose hand that is!

But hey, why make things clear when you can be “visually demanding” and all that shit, right?

Anyway, after this, more poorly written carnage happens. Lucina gets blown away to Ike’s great consternation, Peach runs and hides to no avail as her balcony is blown up, Mario and those guys check on her, DK does something with Diddy, Link and Zelda run over and Zelda says Peach is okay, and then…

The hail of bob-ombs finally subsided and a pair of menacing laughs filled the air as the remaining fighters all stood up and looked.

Oh hey, it’s a diversion from Subspace Emissary! Whatever shall it be?

Clad in their biker attire, Wario and Waluigi were descending on repel cords holding what looked like giant grappling hook guns.

You know, sometimes I’m glad I can’t—

*brain screeches to a halt*

Wait, what was that?

repel cords

*snerk*

Oh my… What, did they shoot the platforms and then use the repel function on those ropes to propel them towards the action? Or did they have to hang on because the rope repelled them? Or wait, did the rope cause people to fly away because of some metaphysical property it had? And why would they use a very thin cord as opposed to a regular rope? Or maybe the cord has properties that repel things precisely because of how small it is! Or maybe it just doesn’t like people? It seems to me that—

*BAM*

Ow, dammit interns! You’re not supposed to use that on me! Ugh, these interns sometimes…

Ike was kneeling on the platform, still enraged over losing Lucina like he did.

He clenched his teeth, glaring upward at the Wario brothers as they landed with heavy thuds.

And Ike’s rage is important because…?

Mario and the others moved forward, staring at them with stark suspicion.

“Surprised, cousin?” Wario tapped his belly.

*frown*

Wario? Mario’s cousin?

*wiki hunts*

Hm… as far as I can tell, Mario and Wario don’t exactly have a blood relation. So let’s chalk that up to another thing LimeyK pulled out of his ass and we’ll go on our—

Waluigi twirled his mustache and added on, “Yeah, quite an explosive entrance-a-that was, wouldn’t-a-you say?”

The two smacked each other on the shoulder and laughed once more while Mario angrily lowered his eyebrows.

*BAM*

That pun was lame and you should feel bad. Especially since you blew up innocent civilians in a brutal, violent manner.

‘Cause we all love it when people we like to hate because they’re silly suddenly become irredeemable assholes, right?

Anyway, Wario and Waluigi taunt the guys some more, and then they fire their guns and—

With that, he and Waluigi deviously pulled a quick one and fired their grappling guns which tied the trio of princesses together in a bundle of ropes.

“Oooh, the boss-a-will be very happy with-a-these!” Wario grossly grinned as Waluigi yanked impatiently on the repel chords, muttering to himself.

They subsequently began to ascend back toward the ship with the bound bundle of princesses.

*headdesk*

Oh motherfucking goddamn bitchtits with a side of cheese fries, again with the damsel in distress plot line? And it’s not even all that different from how it came up in Subspace Emissary! Well, except, you know, for the fact that it was Petey Pirahna who did the kidnapping.

Oh, and also, one other tiny little fact. You know, that all three of the princesses get kidnapped, instead of you getting to save one of them:

It all happened in what seemed like a blink of an eye that the fighters were completely speechless and helpless to react in any sort of manner.

Peach was still limply unconscious, Daisy began freaking out in begging for Luigi to help her, and Zelda struggled to look around.

Her eyes bore a frightened look down to Link, who grunted angrily and tried to shoot his own grappling hook up at the mass of tangled ropes around the princesses.

The hook latched on, but the hero of time was also starting to be hoisted up with them.

He didn’t have the strength to fight the machine by a long shot, giving him no choice but to angrily retract the claw and stand there in defeat.

I know that Nintendo loves the whole “damsel in distress” plotline more than America loves apple pie, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for your story! Can’t you think of something else to do with those characters? Like, I dunno, not make them get kidnapped?

Ugh. Well, at least they haven’t been turned into fap material, yet.

“Addio cugini!” Waluigi waved as he and Wario both shared a final round of unhinged laughter.

“See you on-a-the other side!”

“We’ll be out sipping margaritas in Cozumel while you sit there trapped in this fic! Mwahahahahaha!”

No one spoke a word due to Mario, Luigi, and Link being utterly torn inside.

*frown*

What the hell would they be “torn” about? Their ladies got kidnapped! Again! Surely by now they’ve internalized “oh God, gotta save her again”! Especially Mario, given that he’s only been rescuing Peach for thirty fucking years!

*BAM*

Meta Knight too shared their disgust, “I swear if I had my sword, you clowns would be sushi!”

Much like this fic would be the foundation of a bonfire, am I right?

Only Victor stood alone behind the rest of the fighters and didn’t know any way to help them in his “dream,” but something else was now clouding his mind.

There was something that seemed so familiar about all of this, like he had seen it somewhere before.

Probably that you played the version of this story that was silent, had actual tension, had way fewer characters, and didn’t take ten million years to unfold. That might do the trick.

Anyway, after that, we get a line break, and—

“Yo what’s the plan, anyone? Time’s still ticking!” A voice hollered across from behind him.

Captain Falcon was still isolated across the chasm in the doorway to the training room.

*sigh*

Well, at least it cut to a different location. That’s something.

Anyway, Captain Falcon runs off to check something, Red instructs his Pokémon to investigate something on a gesture from Charizard, and then the Pokémon have a weird conversation in which—

Pikachu lightened up in an understanding. “Pika-wika!”

Um, that. Whatever the fuck that completely non-canon horse shit is.

Anyway, the other pokemon set off, and then it omits a line break and cuts back to Vic. Whereupon…

Victor suddenly regained his concentration as a blue colored vehicle emerged under the platform and rose to its level.

It was the blue falcon!

What? Nothing about how the steel glinted in the light? Nothing about how the colors clashed with everything else? Nothing about the golden head and the long, sleek design of the hull? Or the speed with which it appeared? Or anything else?

*headdesk*

Our “visually demanding” story, ladies and gentlemen! In which “a blue-colored vehicle” is good enough to imagine the Blue Falcon!

The glass roof popped open as Captain Falcon informed in haste, “Man it’s a good thing they let us park up here! Alright pack it up; I have room for several in here. Who’s it gonna be?”

Hopefully everyone who wants out of this shitty fanfic. Hope you got room for pretty much the entire cast!

Donkey Kong got up with Diddy and stood with the rest of the remaining fighters.

Mario gave a look to the large Ape and decreed, “Donkey and Diddy should-a-go first. Yoshi, you go with them too.”

Not a single second passed before Meta Knight spouted an objection, “What?! Why… why the apes and the dinosaur?”

Because they haven’t had the opportunity to get turned from the unflappable stoic into the resident whiny bitch yet? And because they don’t mean to do that?

Donkey Kong and Diddy took the chance and leaped into the Blue Falcon’s back area while Mario turned to respond to the blue star warrior.

“They are-a-the largest of us, so it makes-a-the most sense that-a-they go first.”

Even though Diddy Kong, who is one of the smallest fighters in all of Smash, is one of the ones who stepped in. And also Yoshi is apparently the biggest one.

*BAM*

You know, LimeyK, I realize now why you talked about your skill at these games in that opening chapter author’s note. Judging from what we’re seeing here, we wouldn’t have been able to tell you had played the games, considering that you’re somehow under the impression that Diddy Kong and Yoshi are both big characters.

Yoshi contests this a bit (gee, I wonder why), and then they quickly say adios to the Kongs and figure “hey, let’s just meet up later. And after that, Captain Falcon wishes them luck and they fly away.

Luigi’s legs were shaking once again as he anxiously questioned, “Bro, but… what about us?!”

“Gee that’s great, so you just sacrificed us all!” A concurrent Meta Knight waved his short gloved arms all about.

Now breathing more frantically, Victor turned around and saw to his horror that the bomb timer had only a minute and a half left, and they were all still in the center of the stadium with it.

Oh, chill out. Kirby got out in the nick of time in the actual Subspace Emissary thanks to a Warp Star, not to mention that Mario got knocked way the hell away by someone before the bomb went off. You guys will be fine.

Wait, we’re still not done with the first ten minutes of Subspace Emissary!?

*headdesk*

Oh God, this thing feels like it’s about ten million years longer than it actually is… Fuck my life!

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43 Comments on “1193: The Great Rift – Chapter Six”

  1. SC says:

    Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to The Great Rift. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and today…

    We’re HIJACKING SC’S INTRO STYLE! :D

  2. SC says:

    Once the belly of the ship was fully agape

    Ew.

  3. SC says:

    And stop describing things like this is a movie!

    I THOUGHT the username “LimeyK” looked familiar.

  4. SC says:

    Much like she should be: remember, kiddies, those Triforce symbols only start glowing when all three pieces of the Triforce are in the same place. So if they’re glowing on Link and Zelda’s hand, Ganon can’t be far behind.

    Well, there is that one instance in Twilight Princess where it’s just Link and the Triforce glows for a reason I forgot. But, you know, that’s Twilight Princess’ canon.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hm… You might have a point there, though, ’cause in Brawl, and again in Smash 4, Link’s design takes after his Twilight Princess design. As do Zelda and Ganondorf, actually. So it could be more valid than I thought…

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    By now the human had become numb in both feelings and thoughts, mostly from the previous few questions leaving him so confused.

    Much like the readers.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    The stadium hushed once more as one of the spotters scrambled down from a sort of crow’s nest atop one of the spires and called into the press box, “Meta Knight is here!”

    I also must note that the arena seems to be growing features as they’re needed, a clear indication that this was not planned and little to no forethought was given to setting up scenes.

    • SC says:

      It’s kind of like some sort of battle fortress at this point more than a fighting arena.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I think the idea he had in his head was that it was similar to the Mid-Air Stadium in which the opening of Subspace Emissary occurred. So that might be the bigger part of all that: he was one of a long line of authors who was vaguely describing shit and expecting people to know Subspace Emissary.

      Of course, the fact that he’s trying to be “visually demanding” or some shit like that doesn’t help…

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Complete chaos broke out as pieces of robot bodies began flying this way and that.

    Amid the panicked screams of the audience still struggling to exit the arena, swords clashed, fists smashed, and purple particles began rising like a huge steam bath explosion as the robots were being destroyed in large numbers.

    Link executed some impressive combos, shish-kabobing a pair on his sword while Luigi swung his arms around wildly, catching several in his signature cyclone move.

    Mario ducked as one dove overhead and swung his leg out, tripping another.

    He finally stood up and delivered a fiery smash punch to a third, knocking it back through the air into the crowd.

    Kirby inhaled several before spitting them out as stars before following up with several powerful kicks and back-dropped several of his nearby foes.

    Yoshi flutter kicked over the crowd and landed with a slamming ground pound.

    He flipped up and also head-butted, kicked, even tongue-grabbed a number of robots.

    Meta Knight leaped from robot to robot in a rage, bluntly slugging any in his path.

    “Take this, you thieves! You rats!”

    On one of them, he grabbed its feathered antenna and barbarically smashed its head against his mask.

    Donkey Kong thundered his way across the platform, knocking anyone in his path aside while Diddy scored some bulls-eyes with his peanut popgun.

    Captain Falcon pulled a direct knee to one while grabbing another and tossing it upward before leaping into the air.

    The bounty hunter smashed the foe down into the platform face first, causing the figure to practically burst into mist.

    Only Victor was awkwardly stepping around the fray with fists up, perhaps purposely trying to avoid any engagement.

    The climax to Age of Ultron this ain’t.

    Action sequences with a large number of combatants in them are inherently difficult to write, as you have to simultaneously provide information on a tactical level (what the characters are doing to fight) and a strategic level (what effect this is having on the entire multitude). Just saying “they did this, and this, and this” tells us absolutely nothing, as we have no idea where anything is, how many robots there are, or whether the good guys (?) are holding their own or the robots are breaking through into the civilian areas or what the fuck is happening.

    Sadly for LimeyK, this is just as difficult to do in visual media as it is with writing…

    • SC says:

      It’s easier honestly just to address the entire faction and explain their actions as a singular force rather than focus on all the individuals in their separate battles. That’s what I’ve found to work best for me, in any event. If it’s only like five people or some other small number, then I’m okay focusing on the individual scale, but this looks to be half the lineup of Smash, and at that point I’d just address the mass instead of the molecules, as it were.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Jesus Christ, the Library can’t seem to escape casual sexism even when the author has pretty much all but told us a gay relationship is going to happen at some point! That’s pretty bad that you can be so socially progressive and then so socially regressive in the same breath!

    [insert obligatory tumblr joke here]

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    Well. It looks like we’ve graduated from a silly crossover story in the canon to one where civilians and smashers are getting bombed indiscriminately. And given that this fic implies that cartoon physics are specifically caused by that stupid little trophy thing…

    Damn. This got needlessly dark really quickly, didn’t it?

    Ok, wow.

    Disregarding the Reaper Crisis in the prologue, obviously, Palaven’s fucking Dogs didn’t have this high of a body count…

    • SC says:

      The prologue to part two of my Etrian Odyssey 4 fic duology is going to open on a war that turns south for the victors when the mercenary support they hired to assist their army turns out to be power-hungry scumbags, and the people said army was fighting to protect suddenly come under fire from their erstwhile allies, which results in severe damages.

      And I’m still pretty sure that it’s going to be more tame than this.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I’d be more forgiving of this if it were implied they weren’t in any danger. I mean, the cartoon physics are endemic to the universe. It’s Smash, it would have to be.

      But nope. In a few chapters from now, LimeyK mentions dead bodies. So yes, people got fucking bombed. Like, WWII-style bombed.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh motherfucking goddamn bitchtits with a side of cheese fries, again with the damsel in distress plot line? And it’s not even all that different from how it came up in Subspace Emissary! Well, except, you know, for the fact that it was Petey Pirahna who did the kidnapping.

    I actually thought you were a bit quick on the trigger the first time you brought this up with Lucinda- it’s important to remember that feminism is about equality, so while authors really just need to get it through their thick skulls that women are just as tough as men, that means they’re also just as fallible. Even a highly-skilled fighter can have an off day or get stuck in a disadvantageous position.

    Although in The Smasher‘s case, it just keep happening, so…

    • SC says:

      I’d just like to focus on that swear stream, there.

      In that I’m giggling like a little schoolgirl at how it went from zero to ludicrous speed in the blink of an eye.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Thing is, it was Peach and Zelda being kidnapped here. Again. Just like they were in Subspace Emissary. So someone thought it was a good idea to regurgitate that. Because reasons.

  11. agigabyte says:

    Oh motherfucking goddamn bitchtits with a side of cheese fries

    Goddess: I’m going to have to use that.

    Dakota: Was she always like this?

    Cain: What? You mean how she constantly steals things like the MOON OF FUCKING GANYMEDE, behaves unprofessionally, and is making a movie about a pairing between Ghostie and Monocles?

    Dakota: Yes.

    Cain: Yep. Not sure how you missed it the first time.

  12. TacoMagic says:

    Really? The rumbling was so loud it functioned as a fucking electro-magnetic pulse?

    *headdesk*

    You know what, I’m not even going to bother asking Taco to deconstruct that. I’m pretty sure anyone who’s taken a high school physics course can tell you why that’s bullshit without having to turn to the math to do it.,

    Weirdly enough, if the sound was loud enough it could create an EMP pulse. This would happen because the pressurized waves of the sound would cause the air molecules to undergo fusion, which would release a ton of energy. Dumping that much free energy into one spot would almost certainly result in an EMP pulse, much like detonating a nuke does.

    However, as we found in the one-minute echo situation, if you make enough noise to cause fusion in the air, there are certain… unfortunate consequences.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    “Oh Meta Knight, what-a-happened?!” Luigi asked with angst.

    *Facepalm*

    Yes, because if one person in the entire smashing cast is gonna be angsty, it’s Luigi! Apparently “characterization” is something you don’t need to worry out when making movies.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Whoah there! When did Birdo get a sex change, and when was Birdo down in the fray fighting these things with everyone else?

    [quote]She closed her eyes and sighed in relief before turning to follow a hobbling Toadsworth down the stairs.

    Oooooooh, that was actually Yoshi that did the fighting. Birdo just watched.

    Huh, the things that dangling modifiers will do, right patrons?

    Weird fact: In the original release version of Super Mario Bros. 2, Birdo was a male who was convinced that she was actually female. The reference to being transgender was eventually removed from later NA releases because Nintendo thought it was too weird for American audiences. Oddly enough, even with all that, the proper pronoun would still be “she.” It’s just whether you want to say the author is wrong, or insensitive.


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