1192: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twenty-Five Part TwoPosted: September 30, 2015
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
Welcome back, patrons! This week we’re going to finish off chapter twenty-five. And with the high stakes, it’s sure to be thrilling!
“High stakes? Is that what we’re calling a petulant princess?”
It’s nicer than the other things we could call her. Last time we broke off just as the group was about to investigate the mystery of why the princess was acting so contrary to Albert’s expectation. That’ll have to suffice as a recap because nothing really happened in the fic last week.
“As a rule, nothing ever does.”
Although no one could tell them anything in the inner city, the group returned to the outer city.
“Woof.” *Rubs throat* Getting started early this week, I see.
As they wandered into a local bar, one of the bar waitresses suddenly grabbed Stryfe’s arm.
“AND FROM BEHIND!”
You’re off your game the past two weeks.
Stryfe: Hey, what the!?
Bar Waitress: Welcome! Come on in! All the way to the back!
Stryfe: Wha!? Hey!
The waitress pulled Stryfe to a table in the back of the bar, prompting the group to follow. After forcibly being sat down, Stryfe looked at the waitress in both shock and anger.
Aggressive salesmanship was much different in the Renaissance. You would actually kidnap your customers and hold them hostage until they bought something.
“Newer salesmen do pretty much the same thing, but they’ve refined their methods so that they just use psychological shackles rather than the real ones.”
Stryfe: What the fuck!?
Watch your fucking mouth, asshole. Your fic is rated T, as is the game.
Bar Waitress: You and your friends from out of town!?
Dart: Err…Yes, we are.
Bar Waitress: I knew it! I could immediately tell that you all aren’t from around here! You guys…
“Look like anime protagonists! We don’t have many of those around here. Well, aside from that pink-haired girl with the magic sword.”
The waitres began smelling each of the group as if they had a specific odor. Stryfe could see the weirded out looks on everyone’s faces after the waitress stopped sniffing them as if she was a Foxdog.
That’s… different. I haven’t been to a lot of bars, but I’m pretty sure waitresses don’t typically smell up the clientèle.
“Really? The bars humans run must be a lot different than lion ones.”
Don’t want to know.
Bar Waitress: You all smell like exotic foreigners! Let me give ya a quick introduction to this town!
The hell do those smell like?
“Cigarette butts, Bud Lite, and glitter gloss.”
That’s exotic dancers.
“Ooooh, right. I always get those mixed up.”
Rose: Was smelling us like an animal really necessary?
“Maybe not, but certainly fun.”
Bar Waitress: It’s my way of showing excitement! My name is Kaffi! You all saw a lot of star shapes in this town, didn’t ya?
Note for the owner of this establishment: No more caffeine for the Waitresses.
Stryfe did recal seeing some star shaped ornaments and such hanging around the homes in the city. He didn’t know they had that much significance around the city of Feltz. As curiosity caught his attention, he looked at Kaffi with a question on his mind.
It’s great to get exposition on something that we should have been shown since they got to town rather than folded in suddenly when it becomes relevant.
“Yeah, helps our tiny goldfish brains to grasp this stuff.”
Stryfe: Kaffi, what kind of significance to these shapes have here?
GAH! Stop asking for more exposition! We get it, important star shapes are important!
“They’re probably important to everything except the actual plot.”
Kaffi: The Tiberoans here have faith in the stars!
Oh great, more padding.
Stryfe: “Faith in the stars?”
Kaffi: Yes! Naturally, we have an advanced astronomy!
Shana: So you rely on the study of stars. Sounds wonderful.
“Right! I mean, it’s not like this is entirely pointless or anything!”
Albert: (Hey, we’re here to pursue Lloyd! And find out what’s going on in this country!)
Thank you, Albert. It’s good that at least one of you knows a pointless scene when you see it coming.
Stryfe: (Yes, we know!)
“Then why the hell are you letting yourself get totally derailed!?”
Because plot regurgitation.
Kaffi: Hmm!? Whadayasay!? What are you two whispering about!? Are you becoming more interested in stars!?
Dart: No, sorry. We’re actually looking for a man named Lloyd.
Kaffi: A “man”? You’re more interested in a man than the stars!?
Okay, guys, back away slowly and no sudden movements. If she comes at you, guard your throats.
Stryfe facepalmed himself. It seemed that Kaffi couldn’t understand the seriousness in Dart’s voice.
Facepalming has no place in literature. It’s an internet gag that needs to stay within the confines of the web.
Kaffi: I’m just kidding!
Stryfe: You didn’t sound like you were kidding.
Kaffi: Hmm…Lloyd…I dunno. If Miss Kaffi the hipster doesn’t know it means he probably isn’t in this town.
Miss Kaffi is the predominant hipster of Feltz, but she’s so underground you may not have heard of her.
Stryfe: Are you kidding me?
“Stanky is so used to the plot being served up to him on a silver platter that he’s incredulous when he actually has to do some of the legwork himself.”
Gary Stu problems, yo.
Kaffi: Nope. Anyways do you want to know about the stars?
At this point, sure. I mean, Kaffi is an irritating one-dimensional character, but she’s actually way more interesting than anything else that’s been happening. I wouldn’t mind the break if the fic wants to just change gears and make the rest of this chapter about her.
In order to get Kaffi’s question out of the way, Dart simply said yes because he could tell that Stryfe was becoming incredibly annoyed.
Fic, I was kidding. That was flippancy. You didn’t have to actually do it.
“The fact that Dart keeps doing things he really doesn’t want to do in order to keep Stanky from getting angry is becoming uncomfortable and worrisome.”
Yeah, I’m getting Raptor and I flashbacks.
After she explained everything that she knew about Tiberoa’s astronomy studies, she suddenly snapped her fingers.
And I’m suddenly okay with the prose paraphrasing large amounts of pointless non-plot.
“Yeah, I feel like we dodged a bullet there.”
“AND FROM BEHIND!”
You’re really off your game today.
“I blame lag.”
Kaffi: You know what! I’ll introduce you to a person you would like!
Stryfe: Really, now? Who is that?
Kaffi: He’s an astronomer named Fester! He’s crazy about the Moon That Never Sets! I think he can tell you a lot of interesting things!
“Dude, what’s Uncle Fester doing here!? And how did he convince everyone that he’s an astronomer?”
Well, he was missing for a few decades. Had to be doing something, right?
Stryfe: The Moon That Never Sets…
Yeah, it’s the moon that’s up there *Points* You know, the one that doesn’t… you know what, work it out on your own.
Although it was faint, Stryfe could recall a time back in Neet when his mother told him stories about the Moon That Never Sets, and how it was connected to a certain “destiny” for the world.
“It irritates me that this lump of sputum keeps getting sudden past exposure to important plot points right when it becomes relevant.”
It’s that PCC Deluxe Mary Stu backstory package. It comes with a bonus add-on for a Trajick yet Informative Past. You pick one of those up and you’re basically a walking encyclopedia of plot point information with accompanying references to your own past.
“Dude, that’s a thing!? They didn’t tell me about that when I was signing up; I got punked on my past. It just involves lots of poor choices, a stifling mother, underage drinking, and casual sex. Actually, I quite liked that last one. And getting to be queen for a few years was also pretty sweet, even if it was stressful at times. You know what, screw the deluxe Mary Stu package, my life was awesome!”
Right up until Buster, anyway.
“True, but I like to think things turned out okay in the end.”
Each time, he remembered always falling asleep before she finished.
Finally a believable character trait for Stanky!
Stryfe wondered if it had a connection to Lloyd’s plan in any way as Dart took Kaffi’s information.
“So, it’s really hard for Stank-bait to make a connection between Lloyd looking for moon artifacts and this special moon? He really is a special kind of stupid, isn’t he?”
Not really new information, sadly.
“Maybe not, but I’ll never get tired of calling him a moron.”
Dart: What exactly is the Moon That Never Sets?
It’s the giant astral body that’s geosynchronously locked. It’s right there. *points* How can you miss it, it’s a freaking moon!
Kaffi: You know, the one in the sky.
See, Kaffi knows what’s up and she’s noodle-pants crazy.
The strange star that is always there, day or night. I heard he us doing research about the relationship between a monster called the Black Whachamacallit and the Moon That Never Sets.
Kaffi, it’s called the Black Monster. You even used the word monster! It is really so hard to dredge that up?
Stryfe noticed Dart facial expression show immediate interest when the Black Monster was mentioned. Although it wasn’t information about Lloyd, it was better than nothing.
Thanks for spelling that out, author. Audience are dumb and need you to explain these basic concepts.
Kaffi: Why don’t you drop by? He’s next door.
Bar Manager: Hey! Kaffi! Stop goofing around! It’s already dark outside!
“Sorry, sir, had to serve these guys a double-order of plot and it took a while.”
Actually, it didn’t. It was like thirty lines of dialogue, so like five or six minutes real time.
“Oh, well then I guess her boss is just a jerk. Bosses, amirite?”
Stryfe looked outside to see that the manager was right. The stars were now present in the night sky, with the city lights now emminating into the darkness.
Author, first, you didn’t spell that Big Word™ correctly, not even close. Second, you used it wrong. You were close. In fact, you were much closer than you’ve been with many of your other words, I’ll give you that, but you do not emanate into something. Please see our prior rule about using words with more than three letters in them.
Kaffi: Okay! Sorry, I gotta get back to work.
After ordering some drinks, the group left the bar and headed next door.
Wow, her sales technique, while certainly unorthodox, totally worked!
“I should see if the PCC wants me to give this technique a try.”
I think they get enough business without the kidnappings, honestly.
There was a giant telescope that was aimed right at the very star that the group was told about, the Moon That Never Sets. Heading to the front door, it looked like no one was home a first, yet the lights were on, so Shana rang the bell.
“WOOF!” *Rubs throat* “Maybe if I injected some of Crunchy’s mutagen-”
Before you do that, does the PCC have medical devision?
“… I never thought to ask them.”
You may want to look into that.
“Am I Mary Sue enough to get that kind of treatment, though?”
Oh definitely. You can pull plasma weapons out of your blouse at will, so you’re totally covered. But, if it comes down to it, we can get some of the Ninja gathered around to talk about how hot they think you are and how threatened they feel with your intelligence.
“The thought of that makes me oddly uncomfortable.”
Think of how rough it’d be for the ninja.
Shana: Mr. Festeeer! Are you hooome!?
“Yes! Yes I am!”
The door opened, and a middle-aged man came out.
Fester: Sorry! I wasn’t paying attention. I was admiring the moon!
“What lovely curves you have. So smooth, so round.”
Stryfe: Kaffi told us about you. We’d like to speak with you.
“You already are, doofus.”
Fester: Kaffi sent you, eh? Well, come on in.
As Stryfe walked in, he saw that the house wasn’t very big internally.
But externally it was HUGE!
“The size of a planet, even.”
There was a ladder that led to the attic where the telescope could be used.
That’s a weird way to phrase that. Technically true, but still odd.
Fester: So, what is it you wanted to speak to me about?
Stryfe: We’re here to ask you about the Moon That Never Sets.
Fester: Oh! I see! Wait here for a minute! Let me get some materials!
Dart: I understand this may be a little out of the ordinary.
“Yes, how strange that you would ask this guy about the very thing he’s an expert in and is widely known for being the best source of knowledge for.”
Fester: It’s okay. I don’t make judgements about other people.
“That being the case, maybe you might know a lonely guard who is looking for a king to ‘serve.'”
Stryfe: Well, that’s a good philosophy.
Fester: Here. Take a look at this.
“Now that you’ve mentioned that nobody reacts to lines that were inserted for Stanky, they really do stand out.”
Fester took out a book that looked completely ancient. It explains the origin of the Moon That Never Sets, and how it’s nature baffles astronomers all over Endiness.
This super important and interesting origin is, of course, none of our business.
It also said that around every hundred and eight years, the Moon That Never Sets will glow red, and a being known as “The Moon Child” will descend to the world, to fill it with what is believed to be Holy Bliss.
“In much the same way Jiwe fills a diaper.”
There are many different ways to fill a space with bliss; I’m hoping that isn’t the one the Moon Child uses.
What was also in the book was the “Spawn of Destruction”, the Black Monster. The book explained that during the time when the Moon Child was supposed to descend to the world, the Black Monster hunts it down and destroys it every time it is reborn.
Important information here. Not well presented by the prose, but pretty key.
Stryfe noticed Dart clench his fist in anger.
“Author, instead of having other characters actions happen with respect to Stanky perceiving them, maybe just have them do stuff. Every fucking thing in the story doesn’t need to be about your wanky insert.”
Albert: I never imagined we would be able to get some information on the Black Monster here.
Good thing, too because we fucking didn’t! All we got was vague, paraphrased nonsense that isn’t useful to anyone who isn’t already intimately familiar with the game. And if you’ve already played the game, you don’t need to be reading this shit because you know what’s going to happen anyway.
“At least the author isn’t pretending that his fic is at all valid. Though I think he could have saved everyone a ton of time if he’d just written, ‘Go play the game but pretend that I’m in it instead of Dart. Also, I’ve got a huge sword that totally isn’t compensation for something. Oh, and I want to bone rose.'”
Jury is still out on that last one, but yeah, pretty much.
Fester: Did you find this useful?
No, we fucking didn’t. We found it vague and mostly pointless.
Stryfe: We did. Some of us may find more use in it than the others.
“In other news, water continues to be wet.”
Fester: Very good. I am glad I was able to help you all out.
Just then, Stryfe heard a bell ring three times.
Stryfe: What’s that?
Fester: It’s the clock tower bell! It’s getting late! I better hurry or I will be making the Princess wait!
What the crap could the princess want from this guy at three in the morning?
“Some girls like a man with a little experience under his belt. Driving a factory-fresh Corvette is awesome and all, but the new suspension is gonna make the ride rough and it’ll be a fast, short trip. Sometimes the smooth, slow, satisfying cruise you get from a 67 Chevy Impala is what you really want taking you into town.”
That’s both a great analogy and really gross at the same time.
“Why thank you.”
Stryfe: Wait, what!?
Fester: It’s hard to eat only by astronomy. I’m acting as the governor of Princess Lisa as well.
Which, really doesn’t explain why you’re meeting up in the wee hours of the morning.
Albert: Princess Lisa is Emille little sister.
Well, that just got super creepy.
“I regret everything.”
Fester: If you all would like, head on upstairs and take a look at the Moon That Never Sets. The telescope is set in the direction of it, so you won’t have to worry about adjusting the scope. Now, please excuse me.
“So, what, he’s just going to allow seven strangers to hang out in his house while he heads out?”
To be fair, there isn’t much in his house worth stealing. Unless you really want to try to sell books about the moon on the black market.
As Fester left for the castle, Stryfe, Dart and Shana became curious as to what the telescope could show them about the Moon That Never Sets.
“I have a feeling that it’ll show you the moon.”
Well, you’re not wrong.
When Stryfe looked through the scope to see the mysterious star, he saw that the surface of the moon looked like it had blue veins all over its landscape, as if it was alive in a way. Upon showing this to Dart and Shana, they too were puzzled by this.
“Okay, well that is strange.”
It is indeed. See, the moon is actually the God of Destruction, which itself is a fruit of the Divine Tree, the source of all life. Back during the reign of the Winglies, they discovered that the God of Destruction was going to wipe out all life on the planet, so they separated out the soul of the god and then sealed away its body using five signet spheres, which were spread across the face of the world and consist of the Moon Dagger, the Moon Gem, and the Moon Mirror. The other two were destroyed prior to the events of the game. Basically the arc of the game is that Melbu Frahma is trying to free the God of Destruction’s body and reunite it with its spirit in order to bring an end to all of mankind.
After leaving Fester’s residence, the group was stopped by some knights of the Feltz Royal Army, telling them that due to the dangers of thieves that have recently been pestering the local areas, they had to stay on guard and prevent anyone who was in town at night from leaving.
So rather than dwell on the moon looking strange, they just drop it and head out.
“Wait, why are the guards telling the character blob to prevent people from leaving town? Surely that’s the guards’ job?”
It is, and don’t call me Shirley.
Looking for a place to stay for the night, the group wandered into a home with many kinds of interesting plants.
“So they need somewhere to stay, and just barge spontaneously into a random home? How are the guards not taking them in for questioning regarding all the thievery going down!?”
“Ah right, those.”
Nello: Welcome. I am Nello, the representative of the Green Project, turning the brown barrens into green, the deserts into forests.
NO! The spice must flow!
Stryfe: Oh great…Another environmentalist.
“First, shut your smarmy noise hole, you ass. Second, you need to have a run in with a previous environmentalist before you can whine about running into another one.”
Nello: Don’t be so shy. You all wish to bring green back to the planet, don’t you?
Given how much forest they had to wade through to get here, I doubt they’re super worried. Certainly not as much as they deserved to be in the Wild Arms games.
Nello: I thought so! But it’s already so late out there. It’ll take a whole night to explain my plan.
Dart: Well, I guess it’s okay, isn’t it?
This is honestly one of the more pointless moments from the game. It was sort of humorous at the time, but it really didn’t need to exist. Glad the author knows how to prune stuff like this out of his fic.
Although Stryfe didn’t wanna hear the story of chatter from someone who wants to see the world filled with endless green, he didn’t wanna stay out all night in the cold either.
“Wait, ‘didn’t wanna’? It’s bad enough you did it in the narrative, but doing it in quick succession like that not only killed any semblance of voice you had, but also made Stanky look like he’s a petulant five-year-old. Author, prose better!”
Giving out a sigh, Stryfe slowly nodded to Dart.
*Swenia snags the sigh and puts in the box of exasperation.*
I didn’t even know we had that.
“Doesn’t often get used, I don’t think. I found it under the desk covered in dust and key lime pie crumbs.”
Everyone else soon followed, rather having a place to stay for the night as well.
Maybe you should have tried the inn above the Café.
“Yeah, why didn’t they?”
Well, there is a canon reason why you hang out with Nello all night, but I guess the author forgot that he needed to actually make things plausible in favor of giving Stanky a reason to bitch and moan about something.
Stryfe: As long as it’s not too much trouble. We don’t wanna be a burden.
Nello: I see! I have plenty of time to tell you all about the Green Project tonight then!
“Dammit, Taco, I can’t not see it when it happens now!”
It really does drive home how inconsequential Stanky is, doesn’t it?
Albert: The re-vegetation of the desert is a very interesting issue.
Nello: Right! In principle, the relationship between Humans and the planet should be that way!
“He needs to work on his pitch if that’s his aim.”
Shaking his head, Stryfe began to ignore the chat between Albert and Nello, looking for a place to just lean on and rest for a bit. As he watched Dart and Shana look at some growing flower buds in the corner, Stryfe began to think of something he never thought of before.
“Which covers most everything given how much thinking he’s done in his lifetime.”
Stryfe: I wonder…what it’s like? To be in love…
Oh fuck, apparently I’m right about Rose being the designated penis-hat.
Also, DO WE REALLY NEED ALL THOSE FUCKING ELLIPSES YOU WORTHLESS PUDDLE OF-
*Cerbersheep comes bounding into the room, launches himself into the air, and lands sprawled out on top of Taco.*
“I ran out of the bolt-tape and the new shipment won’t be in until Monday. I had to hire a private contractor for the week.”
As the thought stuck in his head, Stryfe leaned on the wall, crossed his arms and closed his eyes…
“And with that, we finally get to the end of this stunningly uninteresting chapter. It didn’t even manage to accomplish anything amidst the boredom either because all the pertinent information was vaguely paraphrased in a way that removed anything useful a reader could otherwise glean from it. All in all, this chapter was:”
“Until next week, patrons!”