1191: Hammer Effect – Chapters 15, 16 & 17

Title: Hammer Effect
Author: Kamzil118
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)/ Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL:  Chapter 15, 16 & 17
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

WARNING! THIS RIFT CONTAINS A DEPICTION OF RAPE! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

(I need a fucking break)

Ert: Ok, so quick quiz. Can anyone tell me what this story is about? Because I sat down and try to think about it. Some stories you can sum the plot up in a paragraph. More complicated stories like A Song of Ice and Fire, might take a page or too. But honestly I can just say “Twat person acts like a twat a lot,” and I can’t really feel like anything is being missed. There’s nothing freaking going on. No overarching plot, no goal the characters are marching towards, frankly it’s just Lt. Stu running around killing things.

Nora: Not in an entertaining way either.

Author’s Note: Well, isn’t this a surprise. I created this chapter so I can ‘redeem’ myself in my lack of long chapters.

Cornelia: Spoilers, he failed.

The End of the Beginning

Nora: And the beginning of the end, and the beginning of the beginning and the end of the end, as well as the mid point of the beginning and the last quarter of the end.

The Citadel

General Siegfried was walking towards the embassy while Lofn was following him.

“Why did you decide to let the orks loose?” She asked.

“They’re orks, they need something to do.”

Ert: Uh, here’s an idea. Fucking kill them all. Orks don’t comprehend the concept of peace and they find it boring. Frankly the fact that they came along with you is OOC for you, but Lt. Stu frankly just does whatever the fuck they want with this.

“Isn’t the council going to have a problem with this?”

“Yes, but I made a deal with the orks. They destroy the place, I come in and wipe them out. However, they can do whatever they want.”

“So you gave them permission to destroy?”

“No, I gave them permission to cause problems for the council. As long as they don’t cause any problems with me.”

Nora: Ok, does Lt. Stu want to help the Council or does he want to kill them all? Because he really should take a stand on that and stop flip flopping. Orks aren’t well known for keeping promises, and tend to have short attention spans. It is really easy for them to get involved in a fight, so frankly there’s gonna be a few hundred dead civilians in an hour. So if the Imperium is ok with killing Council civilians, how come they aren’t just invading? And if they’re not ok with it, why isn’t anyone smacking Lt. Stu upside the head?

“Hmm. I guess you were still angered by the destruction inside the ship.”

“You have no idea.”

Above the two, the ork warband was running and jumping above the rooftops screaming their favorite motto. “WAAAGH!”

Cornelia: Your ship got damaged…so you have the Orks run amuck in the Citadel? How does that make any sense?

The Embassy

When Farseer Lofn was inside the embassy, she managed to return to her room, meditating as her mind slowly looked into the possible future that could come. Then her vision of the future showed the planet, Eden Prime. However, there were ships constantly attacking the planet. Unknown ships. At the same time, her vision showed the surface of the planet. A Turian was there, standing next to an unknown object. Then the Turian floated upward and her mind showed pain and destruction.

Ert: Well you’re just getting information at the speed of plot. Pardon me, what is the point of launching another attack on Eden Prime when you already had an attack on Eden Prime a couple of chapters ago? Seriously author, learn the definition of the words pacing and suspense, because your story lacks both. Unless you’re trying to be funny, in which case learn the definition of the world humor.

At the same time, the vision was so painful that she had to stop. A moment before she stopped the vision, there was a ship of some sort resembling that of a sea creature. It had a bright crimson ‘eye’ that was staring down at the surface of the planet. Then the Farseer’s eyes had opened as she was breathing hard.

Cornelia: Man this story could not be any more awkwardly worded. It sounds like she had to open her eyes because she was breathing hard.

Lofn took off her war mask and began to bring back her regular breathing pattern before someone was knocking on her door. “You may come in.” The door opened, to have General Siegfried enter the room. His attention was aimed at the ground, but when he looked up. Lofn didn’t know if he was shocked or stunned to see her without her helmet on. “What do you need from me?” She asked.

Nora: Aren’t stunned and shocked the same thing? Author you can’t just stuff in a lot of words to make your story sound smarter.

Siegfried regained his composure. “Lofn, I just received a vox transmission from Eden Prime.”

Ert: NOPE! Vox can get from planet to planet in the same star system, and that’s it. Anything further and you need an Astropath, a psyker who sends messages through the Warp to other Astropaths. Seriously author.

“What of it?”

“They’re under attack.”

“I see. However, I would like to know why you would come to tell me this information.”

Nora: I’m just going to point out what a massive waste of time that sentence is and say “that’s the story right there”

“They are also attacking the Craftworld.” Lofn’s eyes went wide as she placed her warmask on her face.

“Then we must leave.”

Cornelia: Any reason he didn’t tell her any of these things right away? Do people hate giving out information that they don’t absolutely have to in this story?

The Citadel

Ert: THEY WERE ALREADY ON THE CITADEL!

The General and the Farseer had quickened their pace as they began to head towards the security checkpoint. However, a Turians had stepped in front of them. When Siegfried had saw their faces, it was Nihlus.

“General, what is with the quick walking?” Asked the SPECTRE.

Nora: QUICK WALKING IS HIGHLY PROHIBITED! Get down on your knees and put your hands behind your head.

“I don’t have time for this. Eden Prime is under attack. I must be there.” Answered the Krieger.

“Let me come, I can help you out in the fighting.” Siegfried was hesitant in letting the Turian join him, but decided otherwise.

“Of course, but try not to get yourself killed.” Then the three had quickly passed the checkpoint while Siegfried ordered his guardsmen guarding the entrance of the ship to get into their transports and return to the ship.

Cornelia: Why does he want to help the guy that just let the Orks loose on the Citadel? See, this is a classic staple of ban fanfiction. People don’t act like people, but like puppets that do whatever the author wants them to. It’s kind of like this, only with less charm.

Outside of the Citadel

Ert: So in other words, they could be anywhere else in the galaxy

The C-Sec personnel that were there had witnessed the Vraks move in slow motion as they saw the gigantic ship enter the Warp.

The Vraks

“So this is what warp travel is like?” Wondered Nihlus. “I am rather surprised that your species uses this kind of space travel.”

“It has its drawbacks.” Replied General Siegfried. “We’re now an opportunity for daemons since we are in this realm.”

Nora: Ok, a prize for anyone who can translate what the Hell that sentence means, because we’re lost. In fact let’s make it fun. Everyone who guesses, put five bucks in a hat, the person who figures it out takes the pot. Here, I’ll put down the starting five bucks.

“Demons, so this is the realm that you told the council?”

Ert: LEARN ENGLISH!

“Yes.”

“Well, I can be the first to witness such travel.”

Cornelia: Yeah, it’s fun until you get into a warp storm, ghosts talk to you and the gellar field gives out and you get swarmed by Daemons who want to give you the plague/use your skull as a cup/blast you to ashes/use your mind as a plaything, delete where appropriate.

Eden Prime

Colonel De Gaulle was standing behind his men as they began to fire their lasguns and Heavy Bolters into the ‘one-eyed’ machines that were attacking them. The Heavy Bolter rounds flew into their ranks and exploded into the systems of the machines.

Nora: Are they not really one eyed? If not, then why are you calling them that? If they are one eyed, ‘why’ are ‘you’ saying ‘it’ like ‘this’?

The Geth Primes had caught his attention as they fired their rounds into the Elysian lines. “Where are my mortars, I wanted them to level these bastards already!” Demanded the Colonel.

Ert: You called them one eyed machines because you didn’t know what they were, and now you’re flat out calling them Geth? I need a button that says “The author didn’t fucking care.” Then again I’d break it in five minutes with how often I’d be pushing it.

Behind the frontline troops, mortars were being placed down on their bipods before the crews loaded the shells into the Geth assault units.

Ert: Ok, I don’t know that much about military doctrine, but I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be using mortars against forces that are directly shooting at you. Mortars are the kind of weapon that work better at a distance, because at close range the crew is vulnerable to fire.

More Geth Primes and troopers were deployed from their ships before a strike group of Valkyrie Vendettas flew into the battlefield, firing their Hellfury missiles into abominable intelligence below.

Colonel De Gaulle raised his hand to cover his face from the sheer explosion in front of him.

Nora: Yeah, those hands of yours will stop the shockwave, heat and shrapnel from the explosion. Also, random note, De Gaulle appears to be the name of a French Colonel in WWII who also lead the Free French Forces and was president of the French provincial government. So yeah, that guy did a lot.

Then he lowered it to see the damage done. With him being content that the AIs were being crushed, he looked as his men. “Men of Elysian, let’s show these bastards that they have frakked with the wrong planet.” Soon the drop troops went forward while the Colonel looked up at the sky to see the tracers of the Hydra Flak Tanks turn the air above into a killzone.

Ert: Oh. I guess they were Elysian. There was only one line that hinted me to that being the case, and it did more to confuse me than anything else because I thought it meant the Mass Effect planet Elysium. Yeah, sci-fi writers like to use the term Elysium a lot.

. . .

When the Vraks had arrived.

Cornelia…Yes? YES!?

General Siegfried came to the front while Captain Bismark came to him. “Sir, I just received a recent Vox transmission.”

“Play it.” Stated the general in a monotone voice. The Vox operator had quickly played the transmission loud enough for the general to hear.

“This is General Rommel!

Ert: Uh, ok. Random general named after one of Germany’s most famous figures and one of the few high ranking members of the Nazi party that history remembers fondly. Maybe this is just me, but I wouldn’t give that name to just anyone. But then again this author gave the name of the unifier of Germany to a random Captain. I wouldn’t be surprised if he called Lt. Stu’s personal attendant was named Wilhelm II.

Anybody that can hear this frequency hear me. I have multiple drop ships on my position. We have troops coming down. Whatever these things are, they are turning the conscripts into abominations. I say again, we need support.” For a moment, there was the sounds of gunfire in the background. “By the Emperor…” Soon the general could hear screaming while a weapon of unknown origin was killing the men that were there. “For the Emperor, char-agh!”

Nora: His name is Rommel and he gets killed in one paragraph. The Desert Fox, killed in one paragraph.

“That is all, general.” Stated the captain.

“Prepare the drop ships and get me General Cromwell. We have a planet to save.”

“Yes sir.”

Ert: Yes, you need to save a planet…one question, when you fought off FIVE FUCKING HUNDRED Batarian ships, you managed to take every last one out. The Geth ships included in Saren’s personal fleet was a couple dozen. TOPS! See, this is what happens when you want to spurt all over how awesome humanity is while also following a plot that requires them to lose to the foe that you had them crush while you were jacking off.

. . .

General Siegfried, Farseer Lofn, and SPECTRE Nihlus were in the same Valkyrie transport that was heading into the surface with other transports.

“General, why isn’t the Space Marines with us?” Asked the Turian.

“The Adeptus Astartes? They have their own transports. Not only that, they are an independent group of the Imperium. So they act where they believe that they are needed mostly.”

Nora: Despite the fact that they’re acting as a garrison for a planet that they have no authority over. One of the Traitor Legions went renegade because they thought they were being disrespected by constantly being given garrison duty. That and having their forces split up.

“Then why not join us?”

“That is not my place to know.” Soon the Valkyries began to take fire from the Geth troopers below.

“The Geth? What are they doing here?” Asked Nihlus.

“You know what these things are?”

Ert: No, I just gave a name to something I’ve never heard of or met before.

“Yes, they’re AIs built by the Quarians. They haven’t left the Veil for a very long time. Why would they leave to attack your only colonized world?”

“I do not know.” Stated Siegfried. “However, the Abominable Intelligence will not succeed against the Imperium. We will not allow them a victory.”

Nora: How do you even know if they’re “abominable intelligence”? How do you know they’re not like Servitors and that they’re mostly mindless?

Soon the Valkyries were landing into the city while the Death Korps of Krieg poured out of their transport. Officers began to order their troopers to retake certain locations of the city while General Siegfried took positions at a place he was very fond of, the Basilisk. The working cannon the rooftop began to launch shells while the building shook. When he had entered the building, he saw wounded Guardsmen and scared civilians hiding within the restaurant while Farseer Lofn was with him. Nihlus spoke.

Cornelia: Yeah, you really shouldn’t have artillery on top of a civilian structure, in fact you should only use civilian structures in combat if you’re out of alternative options. Buildings built for military use tend to be better at providing what the military needs than civilian buildings.

“General, I’m going on my own. I’m going to see if I can help in the outskirts of the city.”

“Go then.” Stated Siegfried as he got his command squad to secure the entire area.

Ert: When did Lt. Stu get a command squad?

. . .

Lofn was walking in the streets to see palisades and Heavy Bolter Emplacements lock down the area. Suddenly, she heard a strange noise being that was made in the air. She looked up to realize that it was part of the vision she once had. Then she quickly ran towards the Basilisk while she had her hand placed onto the hilt of her blade.

Author’s Note: Well, here is a good chapter that is long enough.

Nora: No, it’s pretty pathetic. Also what vision are you talking about? She’s seen quite a few of those things. So what’s the relevance of this one spot looking like a random vision?

Author’s Note: Well, looks like the Emperor placed a heavy bolter on my back for being inactive for too long. Don’t worry I convinced Isha and Slannesh to sleep with the guy.

Ert:…Huh? Christ, he just loves to throw out random 40k terms. To show off his cred? I dunno.

The Beacon

Eden Prime

Nihlus was moving from building to building as he looked around to see Geth dropships fly around the Imperial buildings, only to descend to the ground. He entered a building on the right and began to use the buildings to travel alongside the road without being spotted from the dropships above. When his path was no longer open, he walked out of the building as he looked up at the sky. Another patrol of Geth dropships were flying around while the SPECTRE noticed that there drop pods raining in.

Cornelia: So really, Nihlus’ only purpose in this scene was to play witness to the real characters doing the actually important things.

. . .

A green drop pod had landed into the ground while hundreds more came in to follow its simple purpose.

Nora: NO! While drop pods for regular humans do exist in 40k, they are very rare and expensive. Drop pods are normally reserved for Space Marines. The Dark Angels are a thousand in total. Hundreds of drop pods mean hundreds of Dark Angels, and they would never waste so many of their number on guarding a meaningless planet like Eden Prime. They’d be fighting massive armies and eliminating threats to entire sectors. And team killing to cover up their sketchy past.

As the pod opened up, Interrogator Chaplain Artemis stepped out, only to be shot at by a Geth trooper. He raised his bolter pistol and fired one round then he saw the AI’s body explode while the rest of his battle-brothers charged forth.

Ert: So he fired his bolt pistol into the air and for an unrelated reason the Geth exploded. Hey, the narrator never said anything about the bolt pistol and the Geth exploding being related.

The chaplain, looked ahead to see Geth troopers firing at Steel Legion Guardsmen that were fighting back from a store. “Battle-brothers, to me!” Ordered the Dark Angel as he raised his power mace at the Geth troopers that were unaware of their presence. However, there were ten Geth Primes that stepped out to fire their weapons at them.

Nora: The Geth that had no idea that they were there but still managed to get ten heavy weapon platforms in position to attack them.

Sadly, they made a mistake of exposing themselves to bolter fire. The rounds from the bolter weapons tore into their systems as it exploded from within their bodies. The AIs fired back, only to see their rounds bounce off the armor of the Space Marines. The Dark Angels charged and began to smash into the Geth units as they pushed forward to the defending guardsmen that were holding the store.

Cornelia: This is going to be one of those stories where the safety of the main characters is never in question isn’t it?

When the Dark Angels arrived at the front of the store, the Geth repositioned themselves to fight both the defending guardsmen and the Dark Angels as a few dropships came in and deployed their colossus onto the streets. However, one of the Space Marines tossed melta bombs onto the AIs.

Ert: Melta bombs mostly come in charge form. Charges aren’t really the kind of explosives that you can throw.

As it exploded, the AIs began to fire without hesitation or knowing that they were in a losing situation. Soon the Interrogator-Chaplain came forth and smashed the Geth with his power mace while the rest of the Space Marines cleared any targets that were out of his path.

They came towards the store, only to find that there was a platoon of guardsmen hiding behind the broken walls and concrete. The guardsmen stepped forward and kneeled before the Dark Angels. “My lords.” Stated the sergeant of the guardsmen.

Nora: Only to find? What did you think that you were going to find? Absolutely no one? A bunch of monkeys with guns?

“What is the situation?” Asked the Interrogator-Chaplain.

“My lords, the xenos are heading straight to the east of the city. We were ordered to monitor their movements, but we were caught by surprise. Please forgive us of our failure.”

Ert: We had to have the Geth be a threat because ME1 said so. But it was established that we were super awesome so we had to all drink from the derp fountain.

“Do not worry guardsmen, I applaud your ability to not die this far from the city. However, I must know why they are heading towards the east?”

“I do not know my lords, but the east is mostly farmland.” The Interrogator-Chaplain looked to one of his battle-brothers.

“Inform the general…”

Nora: FARMLAND! FARMLAND IS UNDER ATTACK! THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING THE BATTLE! WE FOUND OUT WHAT WAS IN THE PART OF THE COLONY THE GETH ARE IN! SOMETHING WE SHOULD’VE ALREADY KNOWN!

The Basilisk

Cornelia: How long until we get “Lt. Stu’s pistol” as a location tag.

As the building shook once more from the artillery gun on top of the building, General Siegfried was looking at the situation at table, coordinating with the Elysium Drop Troops that were scattered all over the city. Luckily, his brother-in-law was getting his men out of the Vraks and onto the city. Soon, a Terranis Ranger came to see him. “Sir, Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis wishes to speak to you via vox channels.” General Siegfried nodded as he came over to the vox communications device.

Ert: Who’s his brother in law again? Oh right, extremely British person. I can’t imagine how I forgot. Oh right, because that relationship wasn’t developed at all and neither were both characters.

“This is General Siegfried.” Stated the Krieger.

“General Siegfired, I would hate to disrupt you at such time, but it seems like the abominable intelligence is looking for something.” Stated the Space Marine.

Cornelia: Geth going east equals them looking for something apparently. Everyone in this story is a moron.

“Continue, I am not busy right now.”

Nora: Not like there’s a massive battle going on.

“Well, the abominable intelligence has their dropships heading towards the east of the city. However, they are not making any attempts in destroying the possible targets along the way.”

“Chase them if you must, I must know why they haven’t made any major assaults on the city yet.”

Ert: Did that massive assault on the grocery store and the one that Colonel fought off not count or something? Or does the author splice sentences from completely different stories togetherr?

“I will deploy my scouts.” When the general was done with the vox channels, he returned back to the table full of maps and holographic images of the ‘battlefield’ at hand. His troops were stationed at the possible locations that the enemy would attack. However, he did not receive any reports of the abominable intelligence making any attacks.

Then he heard someone walk into the building as he looked to see Farseer Lofn across from him. “Seems that you have not had any major issues yet.”

Nora: Aside from the fact that a general is dead, so clearly they attacked a command outpost of some kind.

“Correct. What disturbs me is that they are not attacking the city or any stray units that are around their vicinity.” Then the general noticed that the Farseer was panting. “What happened to you?”

Ert: Yes. The fighting with the Elysians, the Iron Guard and the Dark Angels? That magically never happened!

“There was a ship that these AIs have on the battlefield. It seemed…different.”

“What could make you say that?”

“It was just making observations or killing anything that made an attempt to harm it. I checked to see if this ship had any odd entities on there, but…”

“What?”

“It’s as if the ship was…alive.”

Nora: This is something that an Eldar might be able to figure out with their psyker abilities. The problem here is that here she just figured it out because “The author wanted her to realize”

“Do not be absurd.”

“Absurd, look at the Necrons.”

Cornelia: What about that? They USED to be organic, but the majority of them were turned into robots. It’s established they lost their souls in the process, so they’re not really alive in any sense of the word.

Stated Lofn. “At the same time, I felt it making orders to the AIs that were attacking Eden Prime. It seems like it was looking for something.”

Ert: I guess Lofn can overhear communications with her brains because author wants her to be in on the know.

“Odd, that is what Chaplain Artemis told me.”

“Do you know what they could be looking for?”

“No, not at all. However, General Cromwell and the remaining Steel Legion units are going to engage the abominable intelligence soon. I may find out after the fighting.”

Nora: There hasn’t been any fighting but apparently we have to refer to the Steel Legion units with “remaining”, implying that they’ve taken losses.

“Are you not going to join them?”

“I will, but you forget that I am far more slower than their armies. Once they engage the abominable intelligence, I will come up from the rear and complete the encirclement.”

Ert: The Death Korps slow? The author really is pulling random crap out of his ass now isn’t he?

“There is a hostile ship above and you are going to attack?”

“Yes, it’s better than waiting to be attacked. What about you?”

Cornelia: This is a factor now

“I just went to the Craftworld to find out that they are unharmed. So will pay my attention onto this planet to prevent any attempts on my kind.”

Ert: Talk about false drama. “THE ENTIRE CRAFTWORLD IS UNDER ATTACK…NEVERMIND, NO ONE GOT HURT!” Fan fiction authors. They can’t ever let their main characters be in peril.

“Like what?”

“Air cover.”

Cornelia: Also air cover is related to “Will pay my attention onto this planet to prevent any attempts on my kind,” because honestly the story is just veering into outright gibberish at this point.

SPECTRE Nihlus’ Position

Nora: In Detroit.

The agent of the council was already out of the city as he was coming out of a field of crops. when he did, he saw a Turian standing in front of him with his back facing him. Then the Turian turned around to see him. “Saren, what are you doing here?”

“I thought you could use some help.”

“The council didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“No, they didn’t.” He said with a chuckle. “I just happened to be here at the right time.”

Ert: BLAND UNINTERESTING DIALAOGUE! BLAND UNINUTERESTING DIALOGUE! BLAND UNINTERESTING DIALOGUE

“What do you have about the situation?”

“The Geth seem to be heading towards a Prothean artifact to the east.” Nihlus turned away as he spoke.

Nora: One that was built up in Mass Effect in terms of how important it is, but in this story kind of came out of nowhere. Establishing? What’s that.

“The council will need to know why the Geth are attacking and outside of the veil.” When Nihlus was looking away, Saren pulled out his pistol and raised at his friend’s back.

“I will tell them…old friend.” A round fired off as Nihlus fell forward. Soon he activated his omni-tool. “I want that Beacon. NOW!”

Ert: A random gun fired off, causing Nihlus to trip, good to now.

Then the SPECTRE heard some sort of scratching behind him. He turned around.

“If you think I cannot hear. You are mistaken.” Soon a Dark Angel scout came from cover and fired his bolter at the SPECTRE. Saren was about to fire, but the bolter rounds exploded around him.

Cornelia: So a scout just happened to be in the area but didn’t do anything to save Nihlus. Also, Space Marine scouts aren’t technically Space Marines yet, as they have yet to get any of the gene seeds. As such, they’re basically normal humans with above average armor and sniper rifles, not bolters.

Then the Turian made a quick decision to run away from the scout behind a crate. Saren fired blindly at the scout’s position for a few moments, only to stop and load the next thermal clip.

When his weapon was ready, he came from out of his cover only to see that the scout was no longer there. Realizing that the human may be around, he made the decision to get to the rest of the Geth forces.

Nora: To get the rest of the Geth forces. From the way that’s worded, you’d thin he was going to put them in his pocket. There’s only so many ways to say that the author is bastardizing the English language.

The Beacon’s Location

Cornelia: Wow, this is low. A location tag to the location we were already in.

Saren came forward and stepped in the presence of the Prothean Beacon. He opened his arms wide and he laid his head back as his body rose from the ground a few feet above the ground. Then he closed his eyes while the Beacon took control of him.

Behind the Geth Forces

Ert: Well that added…nothing. Oh wait, that scene was in ME1! And to badly quote a commenter “Fanfiction writers seem to think with a camera and not a typewriter” because fuck pacing.

General Siegfried was sitting in his opened-topped chimera as he looked to the front of the vehicle to see thousands of others flying towards the Geth forces.

Nora: All flying because the strike force consisted only of aerial vehicles, because that’s an easy force to maintain.

At the same time, he saw Eldar aircraft flying above the troop transports and the tanks that were moving at fast speeds. At the same time, he saw the xeno ship that looked like a squid firing a red beam of light off in the distance.

The general heard his vox channel spring to life. “General Siegfried, this is Farseer Lofn.” Stated the feminine voice. “My people will keep their ship distracted.”

“Do you know how far I am from the front?”

“I am not your aide, general.”

Nora: Yeah, that’s Wilhelm’s job.

“Says the hybrid.”

Ert: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? You just spit out “Says the hybrid” without any fucking rhyme or reason. What does her hybrid status have to do with her not being your aide?

“Do not speak of that on this channel. Do you understand me?” With her changing tone, The Krieg General rolled his eyes.

“Of course.”

Cornelia: Lt. Stu’s character seems to be “I’m a prick, like me.” And I have to say, I’m gonna pass.

The Beacon’s Position

“Are the bombs set?” Asked Saren. The Geth trooper in front of him gave him a slight nod as the Turian smiled. “Good, the galaxy will know that I am here to bring the age of enlightenment to them.” Before the Turian could speak another word, an artillery shell landed on a Geth Prime that was on a higher platform.

As the smoke cleared, the SPECTRE looked to see that the Geth Prime was no more and that the platform now had a crater inside.

“Time for me to leave.”

Colonel De Gaulle’s Position

Ert: Ok, does the author have ADHD? Because even if he does I still want to smack him, because I’m pretty sure I have ADHD because I’m so impatient I’ve been known to switch form one song to another five seconds in. Despite that, I STILL have scenes that can go on for more than two paragraphs before I jump around, mainly because I realize I’m writing a story, not a fucking script, THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!

Nora:  Also that Space Marine scout just disappeared into thin air.

The sentinels were firing their lascannons at the Geth Primes that were coming up the hill that the drop troopers were defending from.

Cornelia: The Sentinels that came out of nowhere really.

At the same time, the general saw his drop troopers inside the craters from the enemy or in their makeshift trenches. The AIs exploded from the heavy bolter rounds that were coming down on the AIs.

Ert: I’m pretty sure that exact line was used earlier in this chapter. It’s understandable if you have a line repeating after quite a few chapters because there’s only so many ways you can string words together, but if you can’t get through one chapter without repeating yourself, really, what did you have to offer?

The vox operator next to the general tapped him on the shoulder. “Colonel, General Siegfried wants you.”

“Let me speak to him.” Stated De Gaulle. When the vox operator gave him the communications device, he spoke. “This is Colonel De Gaulle, what is it?”

“I have already closed the pocket and informed Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis to push into the enemy’s position. However, that would require you to bring your forces in.”

Cornelia: Oh wait, you’re trying to show tactics? No. You can’t do that. You haven’t described the battlefield in any detail, not can you claim to have any idea on what the hell you’re doing.

“What do you need me to do?”

“The Eldar are going to fight for the superiority of the air. At the same time, I want you to commit a detachment of men for an air assault onto the enemy’s position.”

“How will my men be supported?”

“I have artillery from my forces at the ready. They just need spotters for their targets.” Colonel De Gaulle grinned.

Ert: Forgive me if I’m not particularly invested, but I like to ask a question when it comes to stories I don’t like. If every single named character were to die on the spot, would I care? And here I have to say, not really.

“Vous avez demandé à la bonne personne.” (It’s in French)

Cornelia: We noticed.

Author’s Note: Sorry for the long update. As of right now, I have a poll up that gives you readers a chance of which story you guys want me to make. If you don’t know what it is, look up the stories I have created or look at my profile to have a short summary.

Ert: *Sigh* The one time I did this it was a single line that one character said in an unimportant scene. And I reserved to the right to veto it if it was out of character. Stuff like this is basically handing over creative control of the story to the reader.

We Have the Numbers

West Side of the Geth Forces

Nora: Which is where now?

The Krieg Leman Russ Tanks were in the front of the armored force as they fired their guns at the Geth units that were making an attempt to hold the line. However, the explosive rounds tore through their bodies while the transports dismounted from the rear of the chimeras.

Ert: What armored force, what line and what transports? The author just threw us into the middle of a random scene saying “RANDOM THINGS! SEE HOW MUCH SENSE THIS MAKES!?”

Among the men was General Siegfried as he stood behind the regiment’s line. In the front of the infantry wall was the Grenadiers, on the flanks of the lines were the Terranis Rangers as the regular guardsmen were in the center of the attacking force.

Cornelia: I’m glad you felt the need to point out where everyone is. We doubt it’ll have any impact though, so it was a waste of time. Not your time, ours.

As they marched towards the Geth lines, the Leman Russ tanks fired their weapons while they slowly followed the line at a certain speed.

Ert: Could this story be anymore vague? They’re following some random line at some random speed. I guess it’s the readers job to fill in all the blanks.

In return, the Geth fired a few rounds off, only to drop a few guardsmen to the ground. Although they were wounded, the Death Korps Quartermasters came forward to drag the wounded back into their transports while the others kept marching forward.

Cornelia: Can I just point out the irony of the author having a hard on for the soldiers that actively seek death, yet he doesn’t have the spine to have any of them die? Also I’m pretty sure that’s not what Quartermasters do.

The general was walking alongside his men as a vox operator tried to keep up. “Sir, Colonel De Gaulle’s men have arrived within the enemy’s lines. They are requesting fire support.”

“Tell them I have Basilisks on standby.”

“Yes sir.” Soon a commissar came up to him.

Nora: He has Basilisks on standby.

Ert: Well that’s nice, but we need him to SHOOT THEM!

Nora: Sorry, that’s all he told me to do.

“Sir, our men report that the enemy is falling back. Orders?”

“Move the men up, get the Rangers to flank them and the Grenadiers to lead the charge. Get the armor to break any defenses that are stalling our advance.” Soon Eldar aircraft flew above the Krieg regiment as they strafe the ground that the aliens were standing on.

Nora: Next time try strafing the Geth and not the ground around them

The general saw behind the masses the quartermasters, commissars, and the watchmasters follow their low ranked men as the artillery shells flew over the men. A Death Rider rode towards the general as he stayed mounted.

“Sir, my riders report that the Praetoriean Guard has broken through the enemy positions. General Cromwell wishes to know if he should continue on.” The rider said monotonously.

Cornelia: I’m sorry, there are so many regiments that the author keeps throwing out at random that this whole army has become a massive blob. A blob with no defined characteristics apart from the fact that the author gives us window dressing from time to time.

“Tell him to continue on, he doesn’t have to inform me every time he breaks the enemy defenses.” The rider nodded as he rode away from the scene at hand. The general stopped to see the enemy positions on a hill that had a town of some sort hiding the enemy Geth units in place. “Order the men to attack. We must destroy them.” Ordered Siegfried.

Ert: Basically this “battle” is Lt. Stu telling his men to attack over and over again. Armies do not need generals to micro-manage everything they do.

When the order was given, the NCOs began to order the men not in the monotone voice instead of the loud voice that other non-Krieg regiments used.

Nora: The author loves the Death Korps, which is why he has the Death Korps act nothing like the Death Korps.

Within minutes, the marching became walking. The walking became jogging. Then the jogging became running. As the Death Korps began to run towards the enemy town, there was sniper and gunfire coming from the buildings ahead. However, artillery fire and Valkyrie strafing runs came down on their positions.

Cornelia: Wait. So the battle has been going on for so long that the Geth have actually started to build settlements on Eden Prime? Let the lead out of your pants Lt. Stu, you gotta move faster than that!

The Death Korps began to run towards the enemy defenses as the gunfire intensified while the Leman Russ tanks were firing away at the infantry units that were within the town. At the same time. Geth dropships came in, only to be shot down by the Eldar aircraft coming in.

“Tell the men to charge.” Ordered Siegfried.

Ert: Sir, they’re already charging.

Nora: TELL THEM TO CHARGE! I must have a hand in everything!

With those words, the Death Korps of Krieg began to charge into the town without hesitation as casualties were being inflicted on the Death Korps. However, it was to be expected from such soldiers.

Cornelia: I guess this is why it’s the first time its happened in this story.

The general watched his men reach the outskirts of the town as they took gunfire. When they were in range, he saw lasguns fire into the town in volleys while the shelling and the airstrikes were halted. The Rangers moved into the town and began to gun down the Geth troopers and hunters from building to building with their various weapons in their hands.

Ert: I suppose we could get some interesting descriptions of individual skirmishes but NAH! A general summary will do just fine. We just need to know that the Korps are awesome.

In some building that was a barn

Ert: I hate everything.

, Geth troopers were halting the advance, forcing the Death Korps to have the engineers come up and throw corrosive gas grenades into the building. Then grenades were thrown and the explosions cleared the rooms while the general stood from his position.

Ert:…Gas grenades. GAS GRENADES! ON FUCKING ROBOTS!? WHY IS THIS STORY SO FUCKING STUPID!?

Thirty Minutes Later

The town was cleared as the Death Korps continued to search for any possible Geth troopers that have survived. At the same time, General Siegfried walked into the town as if the fighting didn’t happened. He stepped over a pile of rubble to see Elysium Drop Troopers smoking or drinking. Colonel De Gualle came to him and saluted him. “Sir, thank you for supporting our men?”

Cornelia: I love the question mark here. It’s like he has no idea what the hell just happened, and he’s not sure that Lt. Stu actually did anything (We relate) but he’s saying thank you just to be polite.

“You’re welcome.” Then the colonel walked away as he saw General Cromwell entered the town on horseback as his aides came in. Behind him, his men marched as if it was parade. “Typical Praetorians.” He said to himself as he came to see his brother-in-law. “How was the fighting?” He asked of him.

Ert: I wouldn’t really call horses in the Praetorians typical.

“Well, I am rather surprised that the enemy wasn’t putting up such resistance. This is going to make us lazy if we return to the actual conflicts around the Imperium.”

“True to that. I am rather dissatisfied that the xenos couldn’t match the enemies that we are used to.” Soon an engineer came to him.

Nora: Yes, we get it author. Mass Effect is inhabitantd by a bunch of pussies that will never be as awesome as the people in 40k. I get the idea. Can you tell a story now?

“Sir, Farseer Lofn wishes to speak to you. She believes that it is of great importance.” General Siegfried looked at General Cromwell.

“Take care of your business Siegfried, the town should be safe enough for me.” Siegfried walked away as he followed the engineer.

Cornelia: Does everything important have be relayed through a messenger? In fact, no, that doesn’t happen. The messenger just says “Hey, person X wants to talk to you,” because you can always grab a random person to go get the person you want to talk to, because getting up and doing it yourself is too hard.

. . .

General Siegfried saw Lofn and her Eldar forces around the strange xeno artifact as he stood next to her. “You wished to speak to me?”

“Yes.” Answered the Farseer. “This is my concern.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“No, to be honest I have never seen such a strange object before.”

“Strange? That is new to hear from an Eldar.”

Ert: So they’re not discussing what it is, what they’re going to do with it, or what this could possibly mean. It’s just a bunch of place holder dialogue. Place holder dialogue is like daybook writing, except daybook writing tends to be about something. Place holder dialogue is just there to take up space.

“Don’t try anything.” She said in a serious tone. Siegfried came forward as he pulled out his hand to touch the xeno artifact.

“I have a feeling this should concern the Adeptus Mechanicus. Its feels… strange.” When his fingers touched the object. His body rose up from the ground as his mind felt…shown.

Cornelia: Don’t try anything

Nora: TOUCH!

. . .

In the mind of General Siegfried, he received some strange vision of xenos of some other place. Dying, screaming, and crying. However, he noticed that in every single vision that there was some sort of squid-like ships firing lasers at the xenos being killed to the last.

Ert: And considering how Lt. Stu keeps acting like a one dimensional racist, he probably enjoys this.

Sovereign

Saren was walking around inside the ship as he thought about the situation at hand. “The humans are going to be a problem for us if our objectives happen to be in some of their space.” He heard a few rings from the ship enter his mind. “I know that they must be brought to their knees, but they are rather powerful.” Then he heard the voice of the ship speak.

“We cannot allow such races to interrupt our cycle.”

Nora: Saren’s characterization out the window in one sentence. Well done. Saren does not want the Reaper cycle to continue. He’s trying to prove the worth of organics to the Reapers so that they’ll be spared. But no, he’s a bad guy, everything he does is evil.

“I know you won’t tolerate their actions, but we need have a way to counter them.”

“Do not worry. We have fleets awaiting to preserve the life at hand.”

“What will these fleets do?”

“Their purpose is to persserve life,

Ert: STOP! FUCKING! REPEATING YOURSELF! Jesus Christ, I can actually feel my blood pressure going up from reading this FUCKING story.

but in this case… The humans must be the ones to fall so the other races know that we cannot be stopped. Only stalled.”

“I understand.” Stated Saren.

Nora: I don’t. If they can take humanity out, why do they need to need to demoralize the other races when they can just kill them all?

The Warp

Slannesh was toying with a poor guardswoman who was captured by her followers,

Ert:…*Throws computer across the room* I’m done. I’m fucking done.

Nora: Oh Christ. Two sexual assault scenes in THE SAME FUCKING STORY!? All right, let’s just get the cliff notes for what’s left for this chapter. Author tries to be funny about Slannesh’s birth and fails, author tries to be funny by calling the Tau vagina heads and fails, author ‘doesn’t’ know ‘how to ‘use’ quotation ‘marks’ again, Emperor jumps in out of nowhere to save the day (Because fuck us) and all the 40k gods in existence show up because fuck us.

Cornelia: Ugh, I need some mouthwash. I am sick of having to deal with authors writing sexual assault when they have no idea what they’re doing. I don’t care that nothing actually happened, that was disgusting, especially in a scene that was mainly used for comedy. But you know, maybe I’d let it go if it was actually funny. Sadly it wasn’t.

Nora: We…might be taking next week off to recover from all this crap.

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