1190: Call of Retribution – Chapter One

Title:  Call of Retribution
Author: Fenrir
Media:  Video Game
Topic: Chrono Trigger
Genre:  Drama
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

Happy Monday, everyone!  After the last couple one-shots, I’m ready to jump back into a multi-chapter pile o’ crap, and boy have I found one.  Welcome to “Call of Retribution,” a confusing blurb of a fanfic based on the video game Chrono Trigger.  It’s been a little while since we’ve done a CT fic, so cue SC-Style Info-Dump!

Chrono Trigger is a great, older game that originally came out on the SNES.  It’s one of my all-time favorites, actually.  I have a ROM of it on my computer, the DS version, and then Mr. Lyle also bought me the re-release for the Playstation through my PS3, so now I can play it on the big screen TV in the bedroom.   The gist of the game is that you play Crono, a vocally challenged youth with no actual dialogue in the game, who takes it upon himself to save the world after he literally runs into a “mysterious” young woman at the local fair.  She gets her ass zapped 400 years into the past via a malfunctioning teleporter made by your best friend, Lucca.  You decide to go save her because HERO (and probably because PRETTY GIRL).  This leads to an adventure that spans from 65,000,000 BC to 2300 AD (you’re from 1000 AD) while you and your unlikely group of heroes try to defeat the Big Bad (Lavos) and save the world.  There’s 12 possible endings depending on certain decisions you make throughout the game, such as if you decide to spare Magus’ life or kill him or at what point and from which era you decide to fight Lavos for the final battle.  If you’ve not played it but enjoy old-school RPGs, you really should acquire a way to play it.  You shan’t be disappointed.

So, with that bit of info under our belts, let’s move along to the summary since that’s what usually draws my attention to stinker-fics.

One week after Lavos defeat means hell for the heros as they are called to the battlefield once again.

Two mistakes in one sentence.  That bodes well, doesn’t it?

Chapter 1: Retribution Chapter 2

*slow blink*

Wait, is this chapter one or chapter two?  We haven’t even started the story yet and I’m confused.  *checks the chapter selection drop down on ff.net *  Holy hell, the author is off a chapter number for all six posted chapters.  How do you not notice this?!

~ Scenario 1~

*grabs her Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide: Fanfic Edition*  “Scenario #1:  What to do when your author uses tags instead of setting a scene with narrative.”

How apropos.

(Is continued exactly one week after the fall of Lavos-to be read in conjunction with the completion of Chrono Trigger-on Super NES)

Is not a proper sentence.

So, which ending are we following, exactly?  The happy one where Crono and PRETTY GIRL float off into the sky with a bundle of balloons?  The funny one where Crono’s mother gets zapped into time chasing the cat you forgot to feed?  The weird one where everyone is a lizard-man because you never defeated Azala and the lizard-people eradicated humans from the world?

Why do I get the feeling that this author wasn’t aware there was more than one possible ending…

Bells rang out merrily all across the village, and stretched across the calm rippling waves, which multiplied the ringing effortlessly.

*falls out of her office chair*

Dear God, the purple!   Where the hell did that come from?  I was not expecting that based on the summary.  Brace yourselves, everyone.  Looks like we’re in for a thesaurus abusing ride.

*climbs back into her chair*

What does that opening sentence even mean?  The bells are ringing out across the village, somehow traveling across some kind of waves that double as amplifiers?  If you don’t know what the hell you’re typing, don’t type it!

The large golden bell, the Leene Bell being chimed upon, rang out joyously in the fairgrounds, Leene Square.

*rubs her temples*  This is going to be harder to get through than I thought.  We’re only two sentences in and already I want to stage a rescue for Fenrir’s poor thesaurus.

Leene Bell hangs in Leene Square, in the town where Crono lives.  It’s also where the Millennial Fair is held.  Generally, this is where you end up at the end of the game.  The ending where you float off with balloons is one where the bell has been refurbished and reinstalled.  The bell is named after Queen Leene, PRETTY GIRL Marle/Princess Nadia’s great-great-some-number-of-great grandmother.  You meet her in 600 AD during your adventures.

The small population of it’s village bustled about to have breath taking glimpse of the beautiful craftsmanship of the delicately carved bell, made so long ago, slowly swinging back and forth, reflecting the warm sun’s rays.

*gags*

I might need to have Koori go get me some purple-sickness bags.  I didn’t bring any with me since I wasn’t expecting this from that summary.

Koori:  *poofs into the room with a swirl of leaves*  You called?

Look at this.

Koori: *reads the first few sentences*  Hoo-boy.  I’ll get right on that.  *poofs back out*

Now, while my intern gets those bags, let’s try looking at that sentence again.  Besides the purple, the only gripe I really have with it would be the term “delicately.”  This is Leene’s Bell:

Leene_Bell1

Crono and Marle/Nadia right before they collide and create PLOT.

It isn’t exactly what I’d call a “delicate” bell.  It’s probably made from bronze, built to last.  It’s been hanging in the square for 400 years, after all.  A delicate bell would not have survived that long.

It was still early morning, and the usually sleepy village, was up and about, either

English is not your first language, is it?  That’s not a complete sentence-

tending to chores, or to hurry over to the fairgrounds to attend the special ceremony held

Bwa?  Why was there a space breaking up that sentence?  And, come to think of it, why the hell is everything in bold-face?

by the King Of Guardia and his daughter, the princess. It was to end the festival marking

Oh God… this entire paragraph is like this.  It’s spliced into pieces that have double carriage returns between them.  How do you not notice this when you post it?!

Guardia’s one thousandth year of which the settlement came into existence.

*reaches through the computer and grabs Fenrir’s thesaurus, then smacks him with it.  Repeatedly*

Guardia isn’t a settlement!  It’s a fucking country!  It’s the 1000th year anniversary of the entire country!

It was a small, perhaps nameless village that nearly surrounded Guardia Castle,

The town’s name is Truce, you moron.  It’s in the game.  And it doesn’t surround the castle.  A forest surrounds the castle.  The village of Truce is placed to the south-east of Guardia Castle.

vila-de-truce21

Truce, with Guardia Castle in the top, left corner. Leene Square is the one with the balloons and… uhm… fireworks.  Yay 90’s graphics!

Where boredom was often allowed to creep upon its people, giving no such significance or importance to the tiny village. Recently though, a remarkable thing happened. As time passed and year one thousand drew nearer, a superb, spectacular showground was built and dubbed, “Leene Square”.

Uhm, nooooo… Leene Square was not built for the fair.  It’s been there for years.  It was just a good place to hold the fair.

And that’s another instance of the sentence being broken apart with the second half starting a new paragraph.  What happened with the formatting here?!

It was open everyday since it’s completion, yet not so much enjoyed as in the past few were charity races, music that played freely, and many many occupying activities that drew travellers from far and near.

*steals the apostrophe and puts it in the Spare Punctuation Box*

In the past few what?  Days?  Months?  Nanoseconds?  I think you a word there.

Upon approaching the now past celebration of year One Thousand the fair was expanded and remodelled to a finer degree, which drew a record breaking amount of sightsee-ers to witness the event and experience and thrill.

“the now past celebration” … The fuck-sticks does that even mean?!  I think I have a new contendor for the Purple-ist Prose Award.  Damnation, this is so thickly purple that it has lost all meaning.

Leene Square was set in front of a couple of small mountains on the coastline,

*points to map above*  No, it’s actually set where the Truce Canyon used to be 400 years ago.  It’s nestled by forest and is north and west of the coast, inland a decent distance.  The town of Truce, however, is on the coastline.

Bordered by a line of fresh evergreen trees.

I’d say there’s more than a single line there, Skippy.

Have you even played the game?

Thus the sleepy village had it’s own attraction for boating, but was mostly known throughout the land for its showground.

I wouldn’t say people are attracted to Truce for boating.  There’s a single ferry that runs between Truce and Porre, in the south, but that’s more for commuting than for fun.

But even at celebration time, the village still seemed quiet, with only the murmurs of voices that the wind seemed to carry endlessly. The bustling bodies preparing for the festival to end celebration time and the plain hard workers were determined not to neglect a day’s work, but still have time to take in the excitement.

I’m going to be sick.

Koori: *poofs in just in time to hand Lyle a Purple Prose Sickness Bag (from HurfCo)*

Blargleflrfhurfityblargggle!

Koori:  I’m glad I’m not riffing this one with you.  I’ll leave these here.  *sets down a stack of bags before poofing back out*

*rests her head on her desk*  I don’t know what’s worse: the prose or the fact that we haven’t even seen an inkling of a fucking plot yet.  All we’ve done is wade through enough pretention to choke a donkey.

Yes, except for the tiny scattering of settlements around and behind Guardia’s forests, nothing else was particularly worth mentioning. It was in the village’s heart where anticipation and secrecy remained the most.

Remained the most what?  Stop trying to sound smart and write what you actually mean to say!

Tranquillity and excitement were mixed within the air. As with the smell of flowers

Tranquility, excitement, and flowers: a new fragrance from Estee Lauder.  Available only at Macy’s.

and the soft warm breeze, they too creating a sweet smelling aroma throughout the land.

The wind has it’s own smell, now.  You do realize, Fenrir, that air has no natural smell, right?  No?  Well, that explains that entire blurb.

“Chrono, would you get up?”

C-R-O-N-O.  The game is spelled Chrono Trigger, but the main character is actually spelled without the H.  This makes me more certain that this author hasn’t actually played the game not to notice the difference.

“But I’m so tired…..awww mom c’mon!”

Crono is many things: brave, selfless, reckless, determined.  Want to know what he isn’t?  A whiny 13-year-old.  Also, Crono has absolutely no speaking lines in the game.  He communicates through a mixture of expressions and actions.  I’d like to think it’s because he can’t speak but still proves he’s a worthy hero.  I think a fanfic would do good to try to express his silence through the prose, instead of doing what most of them do, which is to make him talk.

Chrono’s mother tore open the heavy drapes from his window, revealing the chaos and noise below, as well as the light. Half asleep, Chrono heard cheerful music and the musical rhythm of a bell in the distance.

Chaos and noise below?  Is there a party on their doorstep?  Leene Square isn’t close enough to their house for there to be noise and chaos below Crono’s window.

Sunlight flooded in onto his face as Chrono struggled to open his could hear his mother shuffling around, tidying up his clutter and piles of clothes strewn everywhere. After all, it was HIS room.

So you defeated Lavos and instantly became a slob?  This is Crono’s room:

chrono_trigger06

That is one tidy-ass room.

“How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your dirty clothes? And you complain about not having anything to wear!” His mother’s snappy voice irritated his relaxed nerves and Chrono realised he wouldn’t be going back to bed.

He’s 17 in the game, by the way.  He’s fully capable of doing his own damn laundry, Crono’s Mom.

“Just leave it mom, I’ll get it later,” he mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

His mother cast him a sly smile as she arranged a pile of clothes in her arms.”And

You never wear your jammies to bed anymore, do you? Coming home late at night and

falling into bed without changing is gross, dear,”

Stop ending paragraphs mid-sentence!  *hefts the stolen thesaurus*  I’m not afraid to use this, again!

And why is she looking at him slyly about him not changing his clothing before he goes to bed?  That’s not the right word for this situation, Fenrir.

Chrono ignored her and stretched lazily..

*steals the extra period*

“Up and at it lazy bones,” his mother called out, and walked out of the room.

That’s more like his mom right there.

Chrono took a minute to let his brain adjust, then fell flat on his back, wrapping his arms around a pillow and nuzzling his face into it. He’d give anything to go back to sleep again and dream…and dream the day away with warm thoughts of things he’d wanted…

Gah! Ellipses!  *steals all the extra periods*

That’s who Chrono was: a dreamer. He built his reality on things he wished to achieve. He learned a lot from his journey. And it was also his determination that vanquished the bloody evil from his world. His bravery that allowed him to control the flow of time-and no one knew a thing.

What do you mean “No one knew a thing?!”  At the end of the game, Marle’s ancestors from 600 AD show up and tell her father everything that happened.  They know you’re a time-traveling hero!  Everyone knows it!  The king fucking announces it!

Of course, it really was a long story. As Chrono lay there, running his memory, he thought of the different people and places that empowered him. For he never destroyed Lavos alone. He never encouraged the flow of time by destroying a parasitism evil, alone.

The purple has invaded Crono’s mind!  I need a way to fight this, pronto.  Maybe I can ask Bifocals to whip me up something.

But there wasn’t a whole lot of resistance. In fact, hardly anyone knew what those people had done.

Only everyone in town and in the royal palace.

His seven, and only “friends”.

Why is that in quotation marks?!  Are you not happy with the people you saved the world with?  That’s not what we’re led to believe in the tearful goodbyes that happen at the end of the game.

Closing his eyes, he started to reminisce about the long vigorous journey’s he’d had with the unusual friends he had made. And he hoped the day they all were reunitednever came.

Wow, what a jerk.  “We saved the world together, an event that should bring us closer together.  You guys even came together and brought me back from the dead because you believed in me so much.  Fuck you.  You guys suck.”

Sorry….”

No you’re not.  You’re a whiny little dickbag.  Where’s the real Crono?  I want him back now.  Maybe we’ll find him next chapter.  That’s it for today, everyone!  See you next week!

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54 Comments on “1190: Call of Retribution – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’m actually extraordinarily relieved that this has nothing to do with Call of Duty. I guess that the Library has just trained me to expect the worst out of fanfiction.

  2. SC says:

    so cue SC-Style Info-Dump!

    I demand royalties!

    *Specs hands SC a crown*

    Not THAT kind of royalties!

    Specs: But it’s the English crown!

    WHAT?!

    Specs: “Blame Contacts” should really be a hashtag by this point.

  3. SC says:

    You decide to go save her because HERO (and probably because PRETTY GIRL).

    And who says the fantasy genre can’t be adorable?

  4. SC says:

    (Is continued exactly one week after the fall of Lavos-to be read in conjunction with the completion of Chrono Trigger-on Super NES)

    Is not a proper sentence.

    Is written like how I joke-talk in real life.

  5. SC says:

    Bells rang out merrily all across the village, and stretched across the calm rippling waves, which multiplied the ringing effortlessly.

    Contacts: Hey guys, what’s going on in-

    *SC shoves Contacts in front of the purple, and Contacts’ skin disintegrates*

    Whew! Close one!

  6. SC says:

    What does that opening sentence even mean? The bells are ringing out across the village, somehow traveling across some kind of waves that double as amplifiers?

    That’s… actually kind of plausible(?). I think I remember reading somewhere that water amplifies sound. Question is, WHAT WATER ARE WE REFERRING TO, HERE?

    • TacoMagic says:

      Sound travels faster and with higher fidelity in water, but water does not amplify sound waves; especially not in the way described in the fic. In fact, sound traveling across the air/water barrier suffers a huge amount of sound dampening because acoustic coupling between the two mediums is absolutely terrible.

      That’s why they have to put that jelly stuff on ultrasound probes, to keep the air from screwing up the acoustic waves they’re pulsing into the body.

      The reason sound seems to travel so well across water, especially calm water, is that there’s nothing for the sound to run into, like trees, buildings, grass, people, etc. Aside form the occasional boat anyway. It’s pretty much a straight shot to wherever the sound wave is headed, so sound travels a lot further before breaking up. You’re also going to get some sound reflection off the surface of the water, but that only helps a little because a lot of that sound energy is actually going to scatter away in every direction. And that reflection is not the same thing as amplification.

      • SC says:

        I caused a physics lesson and I wasn’t even trying to! Huzzah!

        In any event, after I wrote that, I thought something about my statement seemed off.

  7. SC says:

    How do you not notice this when you post it?!

    A question I have asked myself many, many times.

    I guess they must not go back and read their own stuff either, because you’d think that they’d see all this crap after posting it and realize how disgusting it is to read. Or, at least in my perfect world where everybody checks their work over, I would think that.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Waiting a while before going back and editing is something I highly recommend. Otherwise, you tend to read what you think should be there and not what you actually wrote.

      • SC says:

        I sometimes do that anyhow, honestly.

        Like, if I ended a sentence that I really wasn’t cool with, deleted that entire sentence, but kept the period, and then wrote a new sentence using that same period as its stopping point, ALL I CAN SEE IS THE BUM SENTENCE.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Waiting is good, but if your formatting is shot I’d hope you’d notice even if you read it again immediately.

  8. SC says:

    I’ve heard of people sometimes forgetting what in-game geography looks like – hell, I do it all the time – but this is just complete ignorance of the game world on this guy’s part.


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