1189: The Marrissa Games – Cariture BiosPosted: September 27, 2015
Title: The Marissa Games
Author: Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal
Genre: Not Listed
URL: Cariture Bios
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat (with special guests Goddess, Cain, and Syl)
Cain: I can’t believe I’m doing this. *Clears throat* Hello, Patrons and librarians, and welcome to The Marissa Games. We’re riffing from aboard the Somewhere, since this thing is the only ship that can evade the Terribad Particles.
Goddess: Are we really doing this?
agig: Yeah. Anyway, those of you who read the “Critiqued by” bit at the start may have noticed something different in this one. That’s right, we’re riffing alongside Ghostie and Syl!
:door slams open, revealing Syl with Ghostie in a headlock:
Syl: We’re here!
Goddess: Welcome! Dare I ask how this happened?
Cain: Also, you were a bit late. Kinda supposed to be here at the very start.
Syl: She was being difficult. And bitey.
Ghostie: LET ME GO! I DON’T WANNA! :breaks free and runs down the hall:
Syl: :sighs: Be right back.
Goddess: I can help. *Uses Formless Teleporter to teleport near Ghostie and then knocks her out*
Syl: :takes wooden chair and rope out of Void: That does make things easier. :ties Ghostie to chair:
Cain: It very much does. Hey! Stop trying to steal my credits! *Smacks Syl’s hand away*
Syl: Hey, I was promised payment for this.
agig: Legitimate payment. Not out of our pockets, literally.
Syl: Fine. As long as I get paid.
Ghostie: :groggy: Where… :looks around: DAMMIT, SYL!
Goddess: *Smirks* And Cerbersheep, you know that it’s justified, since I’m smiling cruelly.
Cain: Is everybody ready to start the chapter? Ghostie, your input doesn’t count here.
Ghostie: :grumbles to self :
agig: That’s a yes, then?
Ghostie: Fine, let’s get it over with. But you’re not going to like it.
Goddess: *Raises eyebrow* Indeed? Well, let’s get this show on the road. Er, Slipspace Lane.
Chapter 1: Cariture Bios
UPDAT: I missed a few caritures so heers the more compleet list!
Athors Note: Kay gusys, those JERK FMAERZ went to far this tim.
*Everyone bursts out laughing*
Cain: “FMAERZ?!” This is the best thing I’ve read in the history of ever!
Syl: Who’s Tim?
Goddess: Probably an Awesome McEvil.
Syl: Already I like.
agig: Trust me, that’s barely a taste of this fic.
They ceroopted teh Admins AN MADE THEM DELEETED ITS MY LIFE AN INVARER ZIM BORM AGAIN CHRISTAN. So Im down with fanfrictrion.net fourever now.
Cain: The posting of this fic was a great event for Fanfiction.net, and a terrible one for Archive of our Own.
I finded ot that it wasant reglar flame trollz but a spesal groop called “CRITIKS UNITIED”.
Cain: I actually like Critics United (UNITIED). Sure, some of the rules are a bit pointless in my opinion; but they’re still rules and should be followed. Just yesterday I suggested that an author move their script to AooO (Fun acronym to use), since it may be deleted, but I have no hard feelings for people who enforce the rules.
Goddess: That was completely off topic.
Syl: Have we even started on the fic? How long is this note-thing?
agig: Quite long. Long enough to list Marissa’s opinion on every important character.
Ghostie: Can someone drag my chair over to the desk? I feel a headdesking coming on.
Goddess: *Pulls a padded desk out of SDQF and drops it in front of Ghostie* Thank me for strength enhancing armor.
Cain: Please stop.
Ghostie: Wow, is this cashmere? Sweet!
agig: Designed specifically for headdesking. Only 100 credits apiece.
Ghostie: SYL! Buy me one of these for my office.
Syl: I’m not giving you any money. Buy it yourself or send one of the pajama guys to fetch one.
Goddess: Here’s a telepathic form *Puts form on the desk in front of Ghostie* Just fill it out with your mind.
Well theyve bited of more than they can chew! My reel fans r revolting an in the meen time on this noo plase Ill putted my noo story THE MARRISSA GAMES.
Cain: “Reel fans” being Marissa-Speak for sarcastic reviewers
Syl: I thought it had something to do with fishing.
Ghostie: Wrong reel.
Cain: There’s a Marissa-Speak dictionary on the MTW wiki.
Ghostie: Of course there is. That’s the only way to attempt to make sense of this … whatever it is.
Its teh officeial seekwill to ITS MY LIFE! Get reddy for INTENSE DRAMAKSHUN, SHOKIN REEVELS, HOT ROMANSE, AN MORE TWISTS THAN U CAN SHAK A STIK AT.
Goddess: After chapter ten of TF2, I don’t want to think about shacking anything.
Syl: Not even a stik? Whatever that is.
Cain: I bet it’s a sex toy. This is, after all, Marissa.
Syl: Then you definitely don’t want to shake it around. Might take someone’s eye out.
THE MARRISSA GAMES
Pro-log: Cariture Bios
agig: What’s a pro-log? Is it what a Professional uses to keep track of what they do?
Cain: Maybe it’s a tree trunk that’s very good at turning into desks? I don’t fucking know.
Ghostie: :squints: Who are the “Cariture Bros”? No, wait; that says “bios”. Cari… Aw, hell. It’s a character list.
Cain: Ah, damnit.
Sinse this ibs a noo site Im podsting on, an my REEL FANS may not be all famliar with the HUNGAR GAMES, Ill do sum cariture bios of all the caritures so eveyone in on teh same page.
Goddess: No, I’m telling you, this isn’t necessary!
Ghostie: I really doubt Marissa’s very familiar with The Hunger Games.
Cain: I really doubt she’s familiar with life itself. She kinda just says hi to it once in a while then goes back to lifelessly pressing buttons.
Syl: Not another zombie!
agig: Cain, Retcannon?
Cain: I can’t. She’s a type 1. Immune to the Retcannon.
Syl: See if that German girl with the glasses can upgrade you. She’s quite the tinkerer.
Ghostie: Too bad things tend to explode after she “improves” them.
Cain: *Holds Retcannon protectively* Yeah, no.
Goddess: He acts like it’s his child and he needs to protect it.
Syl: You should see Ghostie with that crowbar of hers. It’s embarrassing.
Cain and Ghostie: Hey!
MARRISSA ROBERTS –
Cain: Fun fact. Her full name is
Syl: Can we call her Missy-Sue?
Goddess: You can, I’m personally fond of “Marissa-Sue”, myself.
Im Chells sister but more hot an pretty.
agig: A given.
Ghostie: headdesk: Ooh, that is nice!
agig: Did you fill out the form?
Ghostie: I used sensei’s name, he owes me.
Syl: Serves the parasite-fondler right.
Cain: What do you have against him, Syl?
Syl: It’s personal. He knows what he did.
Ghostie: Don’t look at me, he’s never said a word about her.
Goddess: Has he said two words about her?
Cain: If that was grounds for a demotion, I’d bust you down to Private.
I have spesal powers gived to me by the ingineer lick space fly an brething!
agig: Never try to get space brething. That experiment killed six Mauve Shirts.
Ghostie: I guess if you lick enough space flies, anything sounds like a good idea.
Aso I have detektive power an MAGA PAWNCH an electic stuff.
Cain: I presume that electic stuff is synonymous with Science Powers?
Ghostie: I think the “detektive power” is the same thing Batman has in the Arkham games, so Marissa is very lucky I’m tied up right now.
agig: *Zaps Marissa with lighting five times* There, once for each of us.
Syl: :Looks through Marissa’s wallet: This one’s just for me, right?
Im merried to Wheatly an we have a dotter named Chell Junor in onor of my dead sister.
Goddess: Whats a Dotter?
Syl: It makes dots? Why would she need something like that?
Ghostie: Daughter, they have a daughter together. Because robots can breed with humans in this fucked-up world for some reason.
WHEATLY THE ROBO BALL – Wheetly is my hubby an we luve eachotter very much.
Ghostie: Is this still part of her bio?
Cain: I think her Bio was in third person and all others are in first person. For whatever reason.
Ghostie: :checks: No, first-person. It looks like this whole thing is in first-person. Lyle’s gonna have an aneurysm.
He gotted arms an legs now from that JERK BOBOT Altass dead body copse.
Goddess: Five creds says Atlas isn’t dead. It would fit with the theme of “more twists than you can shak a stik at”.
Syl: I’ll take that bet. :holds up Ghostie’s credit card: You take VISA?
Goddess: Yes. *Swipes card in her wristwatch payment slot*
Ghostie: :struggles against ropes: When I get out of this…
Syl: I think you mean “if”, dear.
Sum JERKS thank hes dum
agig: *Draws up diagram* Okay, so is she saying thanks to some jerks then saying Wheatley’s dumb?
Syl: Yes? Or it could be some jerks thanking him for being dumb.
but Wheatlys not, hes relay brave
Cain: So he relays stories of bravery to the others? Or something?
Syl: Must be a courier.
an is POWERFUL BAD ARSE becos hes got the power of love!
Ghostie: :snerk: Everyone knows Heart Power is the lamest of powers.
CHELL JUNOR – Me an WHeatlys robot ball/human baby. She is veray yung an doesnt do much yet. Mayeb she has my powors? Lol, I havent desided yet.
agig: *Glares at fic* What?! You’re putting in your bio that she might have powers but you haven’t fucking decided yet?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Ghostie: :headdesk: It’s like my face is being hugged by caterpillars!
GLaDOS – She is teh biggest mean dum goth emo computer women ever!!!212 I killed her fourever an dhw was defeeted an killt by the zomboys from Dead Space.
Goddess: Probably also not dead for real.
Syl: Are there zombies in this? Because I really hate zombies.
Ghostie: There were robot-zombies in the first one.
Cain: You can’t forget that the robot zombies are from “Andord hell”, where Zobies supposedly don’t exist.
Ghostie: But don’t worry, you can cure zombie-ism with potatoes.
Cain: But only if you eat one while dead and have the power to not turn into a zombie. Otherwise those turn you into a zombie if you aren’t one already. Or was it that they zombify you if you eat them and then die?
Ghostie: I think it was both at one point.
Syl: :stares at Cain and Ghostie in disbelief:
Goddess: *Hands over a Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster*
Syl: Many thanks.
RAT MAN – A guy hoo fites the bad robots lick GLaDOS an ATLAS AN P-POTY! He replased his man thingys wif BALLS OF STEEL an was lost in spase an died or is he? Winkwhinkstoryplotdevelop
Syl: “man thingys”?
Cain: Interestingly enough, autocorrect actually knows what to do with “Winkwhinkstoryplotdevelop”.
Ghostie: Too bad the author has no clue what to do with plot or story development.
agig: This is actually making me miss Sadie’s filler stories. I envy Sem right now.
ATLAS AN P-POBDY – To JERK ROBOTS who aer always smokin drugs an beer an being JERKS. I killed them fourever affer they shot me in the hed.
Cain: Syl. Don’t ask. It involves more Zombie Taters.
Syl: … Don’t tell me the automatons are zombies?
Cain: They were at some point. It happened when Andord Hell was invaded by Zombies. Andord Hell being the place where there are no Zombies.
Syl: Bloody hell. And I thought you were obsessed with zombies, Ghostie.
Ghostie: I’m not obsessed!
Goddess: Sure you aren’t. *Pats Ghostie’s back*
ATBOD AN P-LAS – Altas an P-Bobys good guy kids. P-Body did a abortion becos she isnt pro-life the b***** I thot but gess not! Tehy are good frends of Haymatch.
:Ghostie: :Robot abortions. :headdesks: That never doesn’t sound stupid.
Cain: Obviously because it is.
Now for da new chars!
agig: Okay, let me explain something I explained to Sadielover a few days ago. You don’t use abbreviations in your prose! Goddammit, guys, is that so hard to grasp?!
Syl: It would appear so. Also – that’s what she said.
Ghostie: Dammit, Syl.
PRIMOSE EVERGREEN – A yung gilr hoo is been pikked for the Hunger Games. Seh has a petted gote an cat an has inner strenth that u dont wanna mess with!
Cain: Fuck it. One moment. *Walks into storage locker*
Syl: Bring back some snacks!
Cain: *Walks back out, carrying a small metal box with a glass display in one hand, and an unfolding picnic table in the other. He sets down both* Okay, let’s count.
Not a Verb Counter: 256
agig: Oh, fuck me. Twenty one in a single chapter.
Ghostie: It’s sad that I think that sounds low.
Cain: That’s because it wasn’t a thing during Its My Life.
Ghostie: That fic would have broken the counters.
Syl: Where’s my snack?
Cain: *Presses a button on the table, causing a bunch of food from various parts of the Galaxy to appear* Here. *Eats Pad Thai*
PEETA PITA SANDWICH EATA – Hes a hot guy (but I dont lick him lick that my hart only belongs to Wheatly) an the guy Hunger Game. Theres a spesal sumwon hes lookin out for!
Not a Verb Counter: 258
Ghostie: Found a sandwich for you, Syl.
Goddess: I wonder who Marissa’s favorite pairing involving Peta is.
Syl: Please be Gale!
Goddess: What is it with you guys and yaoi? I swear, you people are obsessed.
Ghostie: “Obsessed” is such a strong word.
Syl: :snorts: You’re not fooling anyone, honey.
Goddess: *Shows records of Ghostie’s internet history. There is a lot of porn of multiple varieties* You were saying?
Ghostie: … I have a computer virus?
Syl: :bookmarks several sites for later:
KANTISS EVERGREEN – Primp’s olderer sister. Shes a dumb an has feekal incontinence so nobody licks her.
Not a Verb Counter: 259
agig: Honey, if anyone is a dumb, it’s you.
Syl: I wouldn’t lick her either, not with that problem.
GALE (I FORGOTE HIS LAST NAME SORRY
Cain: *Presses another button and arc casters appear* Here you go, guys.
Syl: Ooh, shiny!
=( -Kanisss best frend. Hes hidin somethin an waht dose he want with Wheatly?!?!?! FIND OT INSYDE!!@3
Not a Verb Counter: 259
Cain: What is this “proper punctuation”?@!%%$$&##&–;$&-3%%6%#
Ghostie: Never heard of it. :eye-twitch:
Syl: Maybe Gale wants to find something inside Wheatley?
Cain: That’s what she said.
Syl: That’s what I’m hoping. This could wind up going down the yaoi path after all.
PIESENDENT SNOW – Teh baddest dude ever! Hes the liter of Crits Unitary
Syl: Mmm, pie. :looks over food selection: Do we have pie?
Goddess: *Presses a button to make pie appear* The PCC pays us 5 credits every time someone eats something from this.
Syl: Nice! :starts eating almonds individually from a bowl:
Cain: “Unitary – adj.; forming a single or uniform entity.” Is she accusing Critics United of being one person?
Ghostie: Maybe they’re a Character Blob? I don’t think you can really have those in real life, though. Not without some serious genetic tinkering or large quantities of mutagenic compounds.
an the pres of the plase. He hates Marrissa for some reson an he has a BIG seekrit!!12
Ghostie: Is the secret that he hates her? Because the fic isn’t exactly subtle about that.
Goddess: If he’s part of Critics United, he probably hates her for writing such a shitty fic.
CRITICS YOUNTIED -A groop of flmer trollz hoo did sterods an got superpowaed up so now theys even wores than the reglar ones! Wif tehere Preisent Snow they taked over the hole plase an a reely meen.
Not a Verb Counter: 261
Cain: Where is “hole plase an a reely meen”? I want to blow it up.
Syl: Oh, I know! Here, let me draw you a map. :draws map to Ishi’s house:
HAYMISH ABERNATY – Da mentor for me an Prime an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater in the GAMES. A reel JERK hoos always druggin an beerin wif hes noo frens ATBOD AN PLAS.
Not a Verb Counter: 263
Goddess: I’m confused. Didn’t you say that Atbod and P-Las were friends with Haymitch?
Syl: And where are they getting all this beer and drugs?
Cain: And why is this fic even a thing?
Ghostie: Because blue.
agig: Just be glad purple isn’t at fault.
OK SO THATS ALL THOSE, GET REDDY FOR CHAPTER 1 SOON OK GUYZ?
Not a Verb Counter: 264
Syl: This wasn’t even the first chapter? You’d better have a full bar next time.
Cain: Don’t worry. We will. *Peeks at the first paragraph of chapter one, then quickly flips back, looking paler than usual*
Actually, do worry. Worry very much.
Syl: Fuck it, I’m bringing the dragon’s beer stein.
Goddess: *Calls in Redshirts and has them put an implant in Ghostie’s head* There. Now you will get teleported back here when it’s time.
Ghostie: I smell burning feathers. Is that normal?
Goddess: *Writes down side effect on her datapad* Thanks for helping us test this new issue of neural implants. *Unties Ghostie* Bye, guys. See you next week!
Ghostie: FREEDOM! :flees:
Cain: Should I have mentioned that we’re in orbit and things happen if you try and access a shuttle without authorization?
Syl: I’m sure she’ll figure it out.
Goddess: I think I just heard her scream in pain. I hope she tried to access my shuttle.
Syl: What’s so special about yours?
Goddess: The security system includes a full body scan. Courtesy of the producer of MonoCat: The Movie.
Syl: You’re in luck, I don’t think she’s managed to scrub off all my artwork. Some of it would be hard to reach.
Goddess: Perfect. Anyway, *Hands over passcard for the guest shuttle* here you are. You break it, you buy it. I trust you won’t break it, though seeing as you’re a navigatrix.
Syl: :takes card: No worries, bright eyes, I won’t get a scratch on her.
Goddess: Is there an origin to this nickname?
Syl: We had a crew member on the Zephyr named Bright Eyes, she was our quartermaster. You remind me of her.
Goddess: I see. Well, see you guys next time.