1184: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five Part One

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

It’s another Wednesday, so that means we get more of a smug, passive-aggressive little shit-stain of an author-insert!

“Why don’t you tell us how you really feel?”

I love the prose of this thing, it really does keep me from being invested in it at all.  But hey, at least it isn’t absolutely, soul-destroyingly offensive.  It’s just uninteresting, poorly written, and stars and insufferable penis that doesn’t even have the decency to be an original character rather than just a bad copy of the one that was already in the canon.  Take comfort in the small things, right?

“We can also still hope that the fic ends before the author finishes turning Rose into his personal cock-hat.”

We can indeed.

“Last time we had the ‘epic’ showdown with Emperor Doel.  It was different from all the other daybook epic fight scenes that primarily feature Stanky showboating because he didn’t get the killing blow!  Instead, that goes to Alfred.  After the fight, Doel takes a few minutes to hand the party some more plot, which points them toward Lloyd as their next step.  After that, the group announced the end of the war with some Technicolor glowing.”

So now we find ourselves in the

Chapter XXIV: Aftermath of War

Where:

As hostilities ceased all over Serido, the group began traveling back to Bale in order to negotiate with the remaining Sandoran officials.

I’d say that they really should be letting ambassadors handle this, but they do have the King of Basil with them, so their group actually would have some input on the cessation of hostilities.

“Time might be better spent hunting down Lloyd, though.  He does have some pretty powerful artifacts that could really mess things up.”

Hard one to call.  The group doesn’t yet suspect that Lloyd is assisting in a plan to end all life on the planet, so the urgency to catch him isn’t quite there yet.

While Albert handled the negotiations for the peace treaty and the reforming of Serido, the rest of the group returned to the residential district to tell Lavitz’s Mother of the unfortunate news of his passing and the location of his grave.

You can just feel the emotional involvement that the author was going for!

“You mean none at all?”

Yup!  You can absolutely feel the total apathy!  It’s practically a physical entity at this point.

Although she was obviously sad at first upon hearing of his passing, she began to smile.

“Oh God, the poor woman’s cracked.  The only thing left in her life is gone.   Hello house-cats and china-dolls.”

That’s… dark.

Stryfe: Why are you smiling?

Lavitz’s Mother: Because I’m proud that he followed what he believed in…even if it led to his death…

Because that’s how grief works.

Dart: But…now you’ll never have any grandchildren…

“Dart, honey, you need to read people a little better if you think the lack of future grandbabies is a new problem.”

Lavitz’s Mother: Oh well…At least I’ll be able to meet my husband and son in death.

Okay, that’s… not what you want to hear from a woman who should be far more broken up about this than she’s acting.  I mean, big fucking warning sign, guys!

Feeling like taking a trip down memory lane, Stryfe walked into the library and began looking through the numerous books in hopes of finding something interesting.

Ahh yes, all those memories of that one night they spent here.  Of all the times they never went into this library.

“Hey!  They never went into the library last chapter!”

You’re right!  I don’t remember it like it wasn’t yesterday.  Such a great memory.

He found a lone green book among the numerous encyclopedias and found that it was a photo album.

“Those PCC boys are goooooood.”

They don’t have 112% of the market share for nothing.

Looking through the pages, Stryfe found many pictures of Lavitz, his mother and his father when he was still alive.

Weird that the author only qualified that Lavitz’s father was alive.  I’m going to try not to think too much about that.

One particular photo was of Lavitz during his first day of training to become a knight. While he looked tense and nervous, at the same time, he looked happy.

“Must have been early on in the training.  They pound those jitters out of you in basic.  All the drudgery, sleep deprivation, and joint aches really help ground you.”

Where’s the other shoe?

“Other shoe?”

I’m waiting for you to make this about sex.

“Are you kidding? There isn’t time for sex during basic.  Now once you got past that into the officer academy, it’s open season.”

Wait, I thought officers didn’t attend boot camp.

“Generally they don’t. But, if you have a queen who thinks it builds character for you to go through boot before getting into the academy, then you get both. And you don’t say no to the queen, especially not if the queen is also your mother.”

Closing the book, Stryfe couldn’t help but let out a sigh. Lavitz promised him and Dart that they’d have a drink when the war was over, but now that he was dead, it that promise wouldn’t feel like it would be fulfilled.

FEEL, DAMMIT!  The author wants you to feel, so feel!

“No shit that he won’t be able to fulfill that promise.  The dude’s dead.  Being captain obvious about the situation does not add dramatic or emotional impact.”

Later on, as the people of Basil celebrated their victory, Stryfe and Dart watched the celebration from Lavitz’s room, each of them holding a cup of wine in their right hand.

About-fucking-time!  Sweet crap, author, why was it so hard for you to show this?  Why did you think you needed that whole pointless scene where Stanky looks at a book of pictures?  Especially if you were actually going to show these two sharing the drink that Lavitz promised them.

I mean, holy shit dude, if you’d just have had this scene by itself it would have been almost decent!  You ruined it with the unnecessary build up, but this is the first scene of the entire fic that actually would have had impact!  A shame you decided to treat your audience like a lobotomized jellyfish by spelling out what you wanted us to think of this scene before you showed it.

“Also a shame that the scene itself isn’t very well written and is extremely under-established.”

Well, I did say ‘almost decent.’

Stryfe: Well…Here’s too…

“Here is also… what?”

Dart: To Lavitz.

“You can tell this line was stolen because the grammar is correct.”

Which is really sad given the poor quality of translation in the game.

Stryfe: Yeah. To a good friend.

Dart: Who gave his life for us.

Well, not really.  He threw himself at an opponent who dropped him in one hit.  An opponent that otherwise was getting ready to leave.  Hell, part of the whole thing is that Lavitz’s death is ultimately an empty one.

“Maybe they’re just trying to remember the dead well.”

Oh sure, use logic.

Upon hearing the glass clang against each other, Stryfe immediately drank the wine.

“Woof!”  *Swenia rubs her throat* “I wonder if Booky can just magic this sucker away.”

I’m not sure I’d trust Books with any spell that involves a necessary part of my body.

“Such is the depth of my desperation.”

Although he never really had a taste for drinks like that, he made an exception for this one time.  As soon as the celebrating crowds died down later that night, the group stayed the night in the castle.

And suddenly, summary.

“And from behind!”

Not close.

The following morning, the group rendezvoused with Albert, who decided to leave the castle and Basil in the care of Minister Noosh until their journey finally came to an end.

“Wait.  So you can’t use the word ‘scar’ correctly, but rendezvous is one you can manage?  What the fuck is up with that, author?”

Stryfe: Your Majesty, aren’t you going to be worried about your city?

What do you think, Moron?  He’s the fucking King, and one that actually cares about his country.  Of COURSE he’s gonna fucking worry!

Albert: Just call me Albert, Stryfe. That goes for everyone else too.

“See, it’s such an obvious question that Albert isn’t even going to dignify it with an answer.”

Stryfe: Alright, Albert. Aren’t you going to be worried about your city?

Stanky is very not good at social cues.

Albert: Although I care about my people, Lloyd must be stopped. As a Dragoon, I have a duty to stop him before he causes more chaos.

“And once again Albert evades the obvious and pointless question by instead focusing on the goal and why it’s important to him and his people instead of what might distract him.  He’s certainly earning his place in the Altar of Adonis.”

Wait, what?

“Nothing.”

Stryfe: Well, in that case, we’re happy to have you with us.

YAY!  He finally dropped it!

Traveling west across Serido, the group traversed through the steep mountains that separated the countries of Serido and Tiberoa.

Sweet crap, way to shoe-horn in a journey that would likely take a few weeks into a single sentence of exposition.

“How do you know it would take that long?  Distances aren’t really very evident or well represented in the game.”

After almost two weeks of nothing but the sight of mountain scenery, a city came into the groups view in the distance.   It was the capital city of Tiberoa, Feltz.

“Dammit, Taco.”

I’d be smug, but I was right about a bad fic.  Again.

As the capital by the sea came closer and closer with each step he took, Stryfe could only imagine what lay ahead for him and his friends…

EVEN THE SHORT CHAPTERS END IN A FUCKIN-

*BZZZT*

“Lyle let me borrow Carlos, by the way.”

*Taco twitches around on the floor*

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.  Since this chapter was so short, let’s just jump into the next one and tackle a bit of it.”

Chapter XXV: Trouble in Feltz

“So, as indicated in the chapter, they’re in Feltz… and sweet merciful tiger Moses is there a lot of dialogue down there!”

Although it’s been a couple of months, it felt like it’s been years since he and Dart entered a foreign city.

*Shrug* “Might be true, but everything is so vague that this whole fic feels like it’s either taken place over a few days, or a few decades.  Okay, well the decades is just how long it feels like we’ve been reading this damn thing.”

As they wandered through the city, they stopped by one of the local bridges connecting the two sides of the city divided by a small moat that took water from the sea nearby.

“WOOF!”  *Rubs throat* “Dammit! At this point I’m getting ready to just ask Goeth if he wants to pull this thing out to experiment with it.  Pretty sure he’s had a medical license at some point.  Probably.”

*Pokes Taco with her foot*  “You doing okay down there?”

Just waiting for the feeling to come back to my head.

“I’ll just carry on, then.”

As they wandered through the city, they stopped by one of the local bridges connecting the two sides of the city divided by a small moat that took water from the sea nearby.

“As opposed to one of the foreign bridges that just happened to barge their way into the city.  Word count is not how you measure your quality as an author.”

Shana: I can smell the salt from the sea…even from here…

“Oh I wonder if that’s got anything to do with the sea-water moat you’re right next to.  Shana, you’re supposed to be the smart one.”

Haschel: Well, we are close to the ocean after all.

“Why thank you, Haschel, I’m glad that one of you is able to grasp basic concepts.”

Stryfe noticed Dart looking at something.

AHA!  A THING!

“Feeling better?”

I can almost feel my brain again!

Stryfe: What’s up, Dart?

Dart: It says…Claire Bridge.

Stryfe: Is that right!?

Stanky is really adding a lot to this fic.  Like unneeded prompt to more exposition!

Racing over to find out what Dart was looking at, he saw a lone plack that had the very name Dart described on it.

“Speaking of things that add a lot to the fic.  Dat sentence.”

Stryfe: Wow…

Yeah.  Wow.  It’s even more exactly as he described it than I thought possible!  It’s a bridge. Named Claire!

“Deep, bro.”

Dart: The same as my mother…

Haschel: Oh!? My runaway daughter’s name is Claire, too!

“Ooooh, so that’s what you were talking about.”

Yeah, in the world of Dickens-like coincidences, this is certainly one of them.

Stryfe: Could…there be a connection!?

Rose: No. It’s impossible to have such a coincidence.

“I, on the other hand am a firm believer in Coincidences.  Coincidences happen every day.  But, I don’t trust coincidences.”

Did you literally just quote Elim Garak?

“Why yes, yes I did.”

Somebody has been sniping my Netflix history.

Albert: I agree. Let’s say the population of the Endiness Continent is about one million and fifty-five hundred thousand of them are women. According to the statistics of the Royal Personnel Authority, four percent of all women have the name Claire.

“And he just knows this off the top of his head?”

Albert isn’t very good at making things up.  His lies really lack plausibility.

Stryfe: So…from a statistical point of view…

“Dart and Haschel only have a 1 in 1 chance of being related.”

That is, indeed, the chance.

Rose: Just looking tells all too. They don’t look like each other at all.

Okay, well that’s a fair cop.  Haschel is more Asian and swarthy looking and Dart is more Scandinavian.  But, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  I look a lot like my paternal grandfather and a lot less like my maternal grandfather.  If Haschel married a Scandinavian-looking woman, and Claire looked more like her mother, then Dart may just look much more like his grandmother/mother than Haschel.  I only mention that because it’s exactly what happened.

“You’re spoiling the plot!”

Dart being Haschel’s grandson is probably the worst kept secret of Legend of Dragoon.  Well, second worst.  The first being Lavitz and Albert.

Albert: Indeed. Cranioscopically speaking, the distance between their skull, eyeballs, and also their jawbones are…

Mostly immaterial.  There’s two generations there.  Plenty of room to have those kinds of traits change.

Although Stryfe was interested in learning if there was a connection between his best friend and Haschel, he was starting to get a headache from all the theories that Albert was coming up with.

“And I’m getting sick of this impatient assbag getting antsy every time the conversation isn’t about him.”

He then felt Rose put her hand on his shoulder, giving him a notion that they should move on.

“Wuf.”

What the-

“Oh great, now it’s adopting internet short form.”

Rose: Let’s go. He won’t finish talking until dusk.

Stryfe: Good idea. The last thing I need right now is a migraine.

Something something, Stanky has no brain for migraine.

“Burn?”

Yeah, I don’t know; I think my brain is still numb.

As they continued further into the city, they checked out the local shops to restock on thier supplies. Approaching the castle, a crowd of people in front of the entrance drew their attention.

“So the crowd in front of the castle drew their own attention to themselves as they approached themselves who were already in front of the castle? Dammit now my brain is numb!”

Civilian #1: Hurry!

Civilian #2: Princess Emille is coming!

“Ehehehe!”

Dammit, Swenia.

Civilian #3: It’s too sudden!

“EHEHEHEHEHE!”

Oh for crap’s sake.

Civilian #4: This is scary!

“You know, I’ve never actually caused fear with-”

No!  Bad lion!

A blonde woman wearing a fancy dress slowly walked down the stairs, her face with a look of annoyance on it for some strange reason.

“The girl is being paraded around for spectacle, I wonder why she might be irritated at that.”

Facing the crowd in front of her, her facial expression turned to one of anger and frustration.

Damn commoners!  Why aren’t you building me pyramids!?

“And you thought my humor was dark.”

Princess Emille: I heard somebody say my name! Who said it!?

*Swenia and Taco point at each other*

The crowd slowly backed away as she slowly moved towards them. Something struck Stryfe as a bit off by this picture.

You wanna unpack that for us, author?  In my book there isn’t anything really out of the ordinary about a petulant royal throwing a tantrum.  So if you want to precious penis-insert to seem like he’s making a pertinent observation, you sure as fuck better qualify it.

Princess Emille: HEY! I’m the princess of this country! I DEMAND Respect!

A pregnant mother then slowly approached Princess Emille.

Poor woman doesn’t know when to stay the hell away.

“I blame pregnancy brain.  Makes you do all kinds of stupid things.”

Expectant Mother: Ex, Excuse me your highness, I would like you to name my soon-to-be born baby…

Approaching an angry noble and asking for a baby name is a good way to get your kid named Butt-Crunchy.

“Ahem.”

Oh.  Uh… hi, Crunchy.

“I shall have you know that it is pronounced Butte, like the geological structure, and it is my middle name, not my common name.”

I… what?  Your middle name is Butte?

“Of course!  What else might it have been?”

I don’t even know how to answer that.

Really this is all canon, so here’s the rest of the conversation.

Princess Emille: I don’t think so. It’s a hell on wheels.

Expectant Mother: Oh no!

Princess Emille: Disgusting! Stop Crying!

Expectant Mother: Since my husband was killed by bandits…This baby has been my only hope.

Princess Emille: Bandits!? Phooey! You bore me!

See, the part here that the author forgot to include is that, talking to random NPCs in the various cities indicate that Princess Emille is a kind and gentle princess.  That’s why this is supposed to be off.  The author just sorta expected that you’re playing along with the fic and inserting his character into the actual game as you play it.  Which, coincidentally, is why this fic is so shitty.

As Princess Emille went back into the castle, Stryfe tried to piece together what exactly occurred in front of his eyes.

“Might as well work out what’s going on in front of them, since there’s nothing going on behind them.”

epic_five

He could see that Albert had a shocked look on his face in regards to what just happened.

“As opposed to having a shocked look on his ass. A shocked, tight-”

Stop.

Stryfe: What a bitch!

And the guards hear him saying that about their princess, arrest him, and he’s hanged the following morning.  The en-

BZZT!

*Taco flails around on the ground*

Cawn fweew mah fwassseee!

“He’ll be fine.”

Albert: Was, was that really Princess Emille!? I heard that she was very sweet!

“As would we all were the author not a talentless hack.”

Stryfe: That didn’t look sweet at all to me, Albert!

“No shit!?  Next you’ll be telling me the sea-water makes this town smell salty!”

Albert: Oh no…if this is a dream, please wake me up!

Stryfe: Forget a dream. It might as well be a nightmare.

Dart: Let’s ask around. Someone must know more about what’s going on.

It’s awesome how the author knows that the only context we need to know that something is terribly wrong here is Albert hearing a rumor that this princess should be sweet, but in reality isn’t.  Obviously something is afoot!

And with that, I think we’re going to break for the week, as the scene shifts here into one large, horrible sequence for the rest of the chapter.

“Hey, I didn’t need to tape you to something this week.”

Probably because the ellipsis was in the middle of the riff and you just hit me with Carlos instead.

“Good times.  So, are we going to have a proper outtro this week?”

Probably not.  We’re really not good at them so we end up trailing off.

“It seems like we should have a better way of ending these.  Something not so abrupt.”

 

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16 Comments on “1184: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five Part One”

  1. GhostCat says:

    Looking through the pages, Stryfe found many pictures of Lavitz, his mother and his father when he was still alive.

    The technology exist to make photographs easily available and cheap enough that Lavitz’s Mother can afford an entire book of them? That has to be a game mechanic, right?

    • TacoMagic says:

      I’m a bit hazy on this one. Given that the game starts with Dart reading a newspaper, it’s one of those things that I’d allow. Especially after seeing the last dungeon of the game.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Upon hearing the glass clang against each other, Stryfe immediately drank the wine.

    Stank-Bait is a Pavlovian alcoholic.

  3. Closing the book, Stryfe couldn’t help but let out a sigh. Lavitz promised him and Dart that they’d have a drink when the war was over, but now that he was dead, it that promise wouldn’t feel like it would be fulfilled.

    FEEL, DAMMIT! The author wants you to feel, so feel!

    “No shit that he won’t be able to fulfill that promise. The dude’s dead.”

    Well, there’s an obvious solution to that.

    *Charges pistol*

    Shall I assist them?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Stryfe: What’s up, Dart?

    Dart: It says…Claire Bridge.

    Stryfe: Is that right!?

    “I went to high school with somebody named Claire Bridge…”

  5. GhostCat says:

    I’d be smug, but I was right about a bad fic. Again.

    Ahh, that feeling of shameful joy that comes from being right yet realizing you didn’t want to be right because it means you have a lot more knowledge about the subject than you care to admit. There’s probably a word for that.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Albert: Oh no…if this is a dream, please wake me up!

    Stryfe: Forget a dream. It might as well be a nightmare.

    Dart: Let’s ask around. Someone must know more about what’s going on.

    Ok, if this is how they react to one person being out of character, how do they live with themselves?

  7. GhostCat says:

    Cranioscopically speaking, the distance between their skull, eyeballs, and also their jawbones are…

    snort!

    Dude. Stop using big words to try to sound smart. Cranioscopy is the study of the skull, but if either of these men have any kind of distance between their skull, their eyeballs, and their jawbone at the same time then that means their head just exploded.

  8. agigabyte says:

    “Those PCC boys are goooooood.”

    Cain: Tell me about it. During the PCC-Gemini war, some [UNSPECIFIED NUMBER] years ago, the PCC pushed us back alarmingly quickly. We only managed to cause a stalemate because one of Goddess’ friends (I swear, she knows everyone!) managed to reverse the effects of a Contrivance Field Generator. The normal ones make Contrivances always happen, and always in the favor of the faction the person who activated belongs to. The reverse one completely stopped Contrivances in its area, allowing us to push them back.
    However, we couldn’t win, because even with the reverse engineered anti-Contrivance Field Generators, they took time to set up, and so we couldn’t attack them quickly enough to avoid them gathering regular ships made from regular shipyards and destroying the attack force.

    We eventually made peace, and now share tech quite often.


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