1173: John and the Dragon Rider – Chapters Four and FivePosted: September 13, 2015
Hello again, everyone. Last time on John and the Dragon Rider, we surmised that a Halo-Eragon crossover would be a terrible idea, and boy were we ever proven right. John-117, Cortana, and the Arbiter ignored a perfectly good canon crossover point and instead hitched a ride to the Eragonverse by way of the absolute most poorly-designed Slipspace drive ever, then decided to do some preliminary recon by blowing up the first living things they saw and bathing in blood.
They then met Roran Stronghammer, who reacted as though armored supersoldiers and giant dinosaur aliens routinely showed up in medieval fantasy countries and recruited them into his little band of rebels against the Evil Empire of Evilness. Back at base camp they met with Nasuada The Vague, and Eragon attempted to force both extraterrestrials to undergo invasive telepathic scans.
This worked about as well as could be expected, as the Chief either dropped a boiling cup of angst on him or just had Cortana dump him into a Call of Duty multiplayer match, and the Arbiter actually did the sensible thing and fought tooth and nail to prevent himself from being violated (he succeeded, thankfully). Then, John went to the sparring arena to be a bloodthirsty overpowered Stu while Thel went back to the Dawn‘s crash site in order to be a useful overpowered Stu. After that, it was time to go on a mission to attack the Evilpire’s supply lines alongside Arya, who is already being set up to be John’s probably girlfriend with all the subtlety of a MAC round to the face.
“Speaking of which, Chapter 4 is called ‘War and Love’. Seriously.”
Nothing good can happen in a chapter called “War and Love”.
Author’s Note: Oh, yes, I know what you’re thinking. The b4d4s5 Master Chief has fallen for Arya, Eragon’s girl. Maybe there will be some interactions between John and her. (Wink, wink)
Dear GOD I hope not.
This chapter will have blood, and lots of it.
“That is not, in and of itself, a remotely good thing.”
“It’s go time.” John said with a smile.
“Be careful, there are too many for you to handle.” Arya cautioned.
“Isn’t that why there are three of us?” Thel joined in.
I doubt anything other than hundred-to-one odds would be “too many” for you guys, but… actually Nasuada is being really stupid here. John and the Arbiter are both essentially superheroes, able to complete nearly any task assigned to them by dint of their millennium-plus of superior technology. It would make more sense to split them up to accomplish multiple objectives simultaneously.
John got to his feet and pulled two SMGs from his magnetic hip armor and rushed towards the small army with a fearsome battle cry and guns blazing. Hidden underneath the bushes where the trio was hiding, Thel shrugged and activated his energy sword and also charged the enemy.
“They do realize that by charging into melee range they are abandoning their most concrete advantage- that they have effective ranged weapons and the enemy does not? Now, the Empire has at least a minute chance of wearing down their shields with the sheer weight of bodies, and inflicting some sort of injury.”
Then, Arya also joined the fight. The soldiers were no match for the combined might of the three.
Apparently, Arya doesn’t get a weapon or description or anything like that, she just wades in with her fists Jackie-Chan-style.
Master Chief ripped somebody’s arm from his body and proceeded to beat him to death with it, then punched through another soldier’s chest and ripped out his heart with his bare hands.
I feel like the “rip your arm off and beat you to death with it” thing is from somewhere, but I don’t know where. The rest is just John being a massive showboater.
“Why are so many of these soldiers still alive? Sierra-117 just fired a submachine gun into them- have you ever seen what one of those things does to a tight group of essentially unarmored people?”
Well, we have no idea how many of these men there actually are or where they are set up, so maybe he took out a whole platoon and there were still some left over.
“Lastly, this is Arya’s first encounter with firearms, and her reaction is… well, no reaction, really.”
Everyday Anachronism counter: 6
On Thel’s end, he decapitated a soldier and then sliced another in half from head to scrotum, blood spraying in all directions.
This author seems to have an odd obsession with damaging the enemy’s testicles.
“Well, that’s what your kind gets for having your most sensitive components right out in the open like that…”
Soon, a nice pile of cold, lifeless corpses and dismembered body parts began to stack up around them, forming a puddle of dark red blood.
That isn’t very nice at all.
John paused to check on his team, but he saw Arya, blades gracefully dancing around her, and the blood and fluid spraying all around her made her look damn hot for some reason.
John didn’t notice a soldier sneaking up on him from behind. But Thel threw his energy sword and it cut open his belly,
“That is an incredibly stupid thing to do. The soldier can’t really harm John, but if Thel missed that throw an energy sword very well could.”
he was still alive when he tried to keep all of his inner intestines from spilling out.
As opposed to his… outer intestines?
Arya, being the merciful one, slit his throat with one quick, fluid motion of her blade. Then, the three watched him drown in a puddle of his own blood.
That is not what I would call especially merciful. Also, John himself does something similar in canon when he rips a Flood infection form off the Prophet of Mercy- why is he being so much more of an asshole here?
Somebody managed to call for reinforcements, the trio watched as additional troops charged towards them. John smiled as the massacre was about to begin again.
“Somehow, Arseangel here seems to have confused ‘quiet, professional pride’ for ‘murderous psychopathy’”.
Suddenly, John caught a glimpse of something shiny dart across the sky. He looked up, and a huge, red dragon appeared out of nowhere. John could see that the dragon was about to unleash hell from its jaws just like Saphira had.
No, they never saw Saphira actually breathe fire, just get ready to. But still, this… is an actual threat, one that they can’t just wade through with their superior technology but that could still easily be beaten by thinking tactically and employing the same skills that got them through Covenant Banshee raids back home.
“Meaning they will either succeed here through the power of Stupidity, or be completely unable to respond to the threat.”
He knew that Thel’s and his personal shields would protect them, but Arya was completely exposed. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Thel saw the fiery inferno burst from its jaws; Arya didn’t see the dragon in time enough for her to whisper a spell of protection; John wrapped around Arya in a tight embrace with his back to the dragon. Intense, scorching heat washed all over John’s back. He could see his personal shields drop down to twenty percent on his HUD. Once it was over, John collapsed, his armor smoking.
One- this is why you don’t have a squishy person accompany invincible people into combat.
Two- he just had his shields drop down to about 20%, which isn’t really that big of a deal and happens all the time in the games if you get too close to a plasma grenade. Why is his armor suddenly shutting down?
“Because the plot demands it, I suppose.”
Arya saw Murtagh riding high atop the scarlet dragon and snarled, “It’s you.”
Yep. Murtagh, the Evil Empire Dragon Rider who is also Eragon’s brother because of fake drama.
Thel detached his plasma rifle from his magnetic armor and began to rain a volley of plasma bolts not at the dragon, but at the rider. Murtagh’s protective wards did nothing to stop the sizzling plasma. He and his dragon both cried out in shared pain as the plasma burned through armor, flesh, and sinew. This distraction provided the Chief enough time to ask Nasuada for reinforcements.
“‘Distraction’? He should be dead several times over!”
“Nasuada, there’s another dragon rider with his red dragon… need… help.” John said weakly before passing out.
“What kind of “help” could possibly send that would succeed where John-117 and the Arbiter failed?”
Also, I missed it the first time, but John’s reaction to seeing a real, live dragon wandering around? “Hmeh.”
Everyday Anachronism Counter: 7!
Nasuada sat in her tent examining the small device that the green armored soldier had given her. After looking over it for the past three hours, she gave up and replaced it in her ear.
“For the leader of a resistance army, Nasuada certainly has a lot of time on her hands.”
Well, she seems to in canon as well, so I’m not sure if this is really the author’s fault.
“All of this is the author’s fault.”
Yeah, you’re right.
Suddenly, John’s voice rang out. “Nasuada, there’s another dragon rider… red dragon…help.” Nasuada stood up in alarm. Now she knew the purpose of the small device. Quickly, she sent for her personal messenger to inform Eragon of the situation.
“I am suddenly struck by the irony of Nasuada having to wait around for a foot messenger to relay a message she received via lightspeed UHF radio.”
John regained consciousness after some time, he saw Arya using a bow and arrows to distract Murtagh while Thel shot at him with his plasma rifle and swung at him with his energy sword.
“I guess the massively underpowered and massively overpowered weapons they are using just sort of… averaged out.”
That, and if the Arbiter is using his energy sword that means Murtagh the Dragon Rider is wandering around on the ground for some reason.
A few feet away from him, he saw his SMG. He slowly crawled towards it in the dirt, mud, and blood.
… which is actually our first indication of where this battle might actually be set– that is, someplace where there is not a lot of grass on the ground, but at the same time the ground is fairly moist.
“It’s probably as much as we will ever hope to get.”
He could hear Cortana’s distant voice in the back of his head. All he was intent on was getting to that SMG and helping his friends.
Actually, Cortana’s been weirdly quiet throughout the last few chapters. I wonder if she went rampant due to the shock of ending up in Middle Earth.
“Sharing brainspace with a rogue AI would explain John’s new bloodlust…”
After a long and excruciating moment, he finally gripped the handle of the gun, aimed at the beast’s open mouth, and pulled the trigger. There was a cold and unforgiving click; empty.
Well that’s what you get for not packing something with a more controllable rate of fire and a larger ammo reserve.
He dropped the gun and stared at the sky, he could see the crows already circling overhead, it reminded him of the halo.
“His fight on the Ring obviously left so much of an impression on Sierra-117 that he is now reminded of it whenever he sees anything vaguely circular.”
His vision became blurry, then, for the second time, John passed out.
Because we really need a few more beatings for the old dead Narcolepscene horse.
“I actually would have preferred that he simply stayed unconscious. What was added by this scene being here and John not simply passing out after the dragon attack? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing.”
John opened his eyes. He was in the base camp’s empty infirmary, it was almost nighttime.
“If John needed medical attention every time he lost 80% of his shielding power, the Covenant would have won a long time ago.”
His armor was still on him, minus the helmet. He groaned as he sat up. Then he realized that Arya sat beside him. “What happened?” John asked. “We didn’t suffer any major injuries, Eragon arrived just in time, and I only lost one arrow today.”
Arya had to admit, John was very handsome without his helmet, she hadn’t even realized that this was the first time she had seen his face.
Umm, no he isn’t. One of the reasons why he keeps his helmet on so often is because, even by Spartan standards, he looks like a gargoyle.
Slowly, she began to inch closer to him; her heartbeat began to beat frantically when her face was centimeters to his. John closed the remaining gap between them; their lips met in a passionate kiss.
They could feel their blood start to boil.
Fine. It was fun while it lasted.
*Turns his high-powered macrowave emitter away from the ‘fic.*
John was the first to sense something wrong.
“Good for him.”
“Stop, Arya, stop,” “What’s the matter John?” “We barely even know each other; maybe we should give this some time.” “You seem like a nice guy, and you saved my life, that’s good enough for me.”
As Arya began to inch closer again, John’s raging hormones overruled his reason and logic.
You mean the raging hormones he physically does not have?!
They came together again, first soft, but then the kisses began to grow in intensity. Somewhere in all of this, Arya heard John murmur something that sounded like, “Screw regulations.” John began to detach pieces of armor to reveal his undersuit.
“You do stock a dextro-amino Brain Bleach variant, do you not?”
I think so, yeah.
Suddenly, the tent flap opened and the couple froze mid-kiss. Thel entered the tent and then also froze.
Six more soldiers went in there and froze as well before somebody got the bright idea to stop sending people directly into the time-stop field.
John’s voice was barely a whisper “Can you keep a secret?” Thel nodded slightly, and then exited the infirmary with a dark violet blush.
Actually, that’s a good question- how would a Sangheili warrior respond to walking in on something like that?
“Not well, I’m sure.”
Arya and John sat in silence and mortification. Then John silently reattached his armor, picked up his helmet, and left.
And good riddance.
Thel had seen the impossible.
And the Arbiter continues to be the most sensible character in this story, despite his occasional bouts of Stuishness.
“How much are you betting he meets some unpleasant fate later on?”
He saw the Spartan running to catch up to him. “Are we going to discuss what just happened?” Arbiter asked. “I can’t help it, Thel, I love her.” John replied.
Wow. Even if John was, you know, not a Spartan, this relationship would still be progressing at My Immortal speeds.
“Spartan, you have to face the facts; she is an elf, you are a Spartan, both designed to kill for justice.
Umm, wait what? Elves are “designed to kill for justice”?
Tolkien sure never mentioned that little detail.
You cannot afford to let your mind wander at a time like this.” John sighed, “I know, you’re right, what was I thinking?”
“Don’t fret, come, let’s have some dinner to ease our worries.” Thel said.
“And so ends another scene of Thel ‘Vadam making a surprising amount of sense.”
Yeah, he’s doomed.
Arya sat in her tent, thinking about what had happened. In all her one hundred years, she had never found one quite like John, he was strong, swift, and brave; a natural leader.
Let’s just randomly rip off the introductory narration to Halo 3 while we’re nearby, right Arseangel?
A messenger entered her tent. “This is for you, Lady Arya.” She received her missing arrow! She noticed that there was a note attached to the arrow.
An arrow is another priceless bullet on the battlefield, every shot counts.
Wha huh wah huh?
What’s the big deal about picking up arrows, anyway? Can’t Arya just get more? And how did she only lose one in the whole battle? You’d think many would break or otherwise become unusable.
‘It must’ve been sent from John.’ She thought. That night, she fell asleep with the arrow clutched to her chest.
PAGING DR. FREUD!!!
The next day was all work. Thel, John, Arya, Eragon, Saphira, and a few helpers managed to salvage a dozen machine gun turrets, a few vehicles, and all of the weapons in the armory from the Dawn. The day was spent on teaching the troops on how to operate rifles and shotguns, pistol training was for tomorrow, and rocket launchers were reserved for Thel or John only.
“I think this passage… has a lot more thought put into it than most of what we’ve seen so far. Getting the Varden army updated with modern weaponry and vehicles will really do quite a lot to counteract the major tactical limitations of the Halo characters so far- not knowing the territory, not being able to be everywhere at once, and simply being overwhelmed by the sheer mass of the enemy. That does increase the drain on their finite supply of ammunition, but the Dawn was intended to supply a full complement of hundreds of Marines with enough ammunition for a protracted ground conflict, so I still don’t think that would be a major issue.
That said, a lot of the details seem off to me- it would likely take much more than a day to ship this equipment back to whatever part of the Void the Varden camp is, and it would certainly take more than a day to train soldiers who didn’t even know what a firearm was beforehand.
They also seem to forget to include any body armor in this arrangement, as even an armored flightsuit would probably provide better protection against swords and arrows than whatever the current fashion is, nor do they bring along computers, electric lights, first-aid kits, or anything else that a preindustrial military camp would find miraculously convenient.
So, here’s your redemption cookie, Varden, but I may have gotten a few details wrong.”
You gave them the dextro cookies, didn’t you.
“They’ll be fine once the vomiting wears off.”
Oh, right, and a point for everyone being so sanguine about all of this new technology:
Everyday Anachronism Counter: 8
The relationship between John and Arya continued to grow steadily; they could often be seen holding hands or laughing together. Eragon began to notice, and he didn’t like it.
He is not alone…
He decided to confront the Spartan, and do what he should have done a long time ago.
What, negotiate a unilateral decrease in Stuishness?
OOHHHHH, Eragon is pissed, better watch out Master Chief! He just might poke your eye out with his sword Brisingr, but looks like John’s got Thel and Arya on his side. See you next time.
My god, how old are you, five???
“We continue in Chapter 5, ‘Calm Before The Storm’, which we will soon learn is only ‘calm’ in the sense of a Half-Jaw strategic meeting.”
Author’s Note: Alright, John & Arya, tell me what you think in the reviews,
“We think it was a terrible idea.”
in the meantime, Chief better watch out! Eragon just might scratch some of his armor paint! (If he’s lucky). So, as always, enjoy this chapter.
“You are continuing to forget that Eragon is a magician, and therefore one of three things in this universe that actually can harm the Halo characters.”
Eragon stormed to the archery range, which had been transformed into the shooting range. John was there, helping the people who had trouble with their gun.
The little blue pills they found in the XO’s quarters probably cleared that up right quick.
Even Arya now carried a M6C silenced pistol on her hip.
Which is kind of a wimpy weapon, really, considering that Commander Keyes usually carried at least a submachine gun, but then again Arya was kind of a wimpy character in canon who ran afoul of the Eragon series’ confusing approach to sexism. I think this version is actually slightly better.
Personally, Eragon was disgusted, they didn’t need these special weapons to win this war, they could manage by themselves, through perseverance and valor.
Yep, classic Eragon right there, but only in the sense that he is pretty inconsistent. I don’t think he ever did this specific honor-before-reason thing before in the books, but I might be wrong.
He knew speaking to Nasuada wouldn’t help, she was happy that the Varden had help. He had to deal with the problem on his own, so be it. The Spartan saw him coming.
He immobilized the giant with a quick spell, and drew his sword. “What is the meaning of this?” John spat through gritted teeth. “I am thinking on killing you.” came Eragon’s cold reply.
Wows, Eragon much of hasing the Engrish suddenly!
Then Saphira landed beside Eragon and growled, ‘Don’t be a fool, Eragon! Stop this madness at once! Can’t you see they’re only trying to help?’ Eragon snapped, “They can help us by leaving, we don’t need their help.”
Ok, this is kind of weird. Eragon and Saphira have a strong telepathic bond, and while they do argue somewhat in canon they rarely if ever actually fight each other. Seems to happen every other paragraph here.
“Also, Saphira continually speaks to him in telepathy and he continually responds verbally.”
Thel arrived on the scene and activated his energy sword, “Eragon, killing John will not right any wrongs.”
“This is true. But he is now a bloodthirsty psychopath, so I can think of worse targets.”
Eragon summoned all the energy he could muster and put it into a single spell. “Brisingr!” Thel was blasted with a heat so intense that his armor began to melt and he could feel his flesh being seared by the intense inferno.
Eragon ended the spell and drew energy from his ring Aren. Thel collapsed in a smoking heap of armor and burnt flesh.
Stu just offed the Arbiter!!
“I knew he couldn’t remain the sensible character and survive for long here.”
John saw his sword burst into flame. Saphira pounced on Eragon before he could run through John with his flaming sword. Nasuada approached the pinned Dragon Rider, “I am very disappointed in you, Eragon.”
Oh good, it’s another one of those My Immortal-style everybody-jump-out-of-the-Void fights.
“My favorite kind! You never know what you’re getting!”
He bowed his head in shame. ‘What have I done?’ Eragon thought to himself. John was able to move again, so he carried Thel to the infirmary after giving Eragon a piercing glare.
Once John made sure Thel was going to be alright,
“Alright”? He just got turned into Arbycue! He’d be lucky if the shock didn’t kill him on the spot, and I’m not sure if even UNSC medical technology could save him, much less that of Ren Faire World.
he made his way to Eragon’s tent. He flinched when the armored giant entered. “Jealousy, anger and revenge can often only hurt the ones around you.” John said quietly. Eragon remained silent. “Did you consider the consequences before your foolish act?” There was no answer. “Looks like you learned a lesson today; use your brain before using your muscle, that’s why it’s there… I’ll see you around.” Then John left.
Well, he and Yoda are both green, but other than that I’m just not seeing it.
The Master Chief almost felt sorry for the Rider, but he had no time to think about that now. He proceeded to the Dawn’s crash site. There, he gathered pieces of Sangheili armor to replace Thel’s old armor which was melted and destroyed beyond use. John grabbed a combat helmet, commando shoulder plates, ascetic body armor, and other essentials.
So the Arbiter has gone from silver armor, to yellow armor, to just looking like a flea market reject.
“Again, why is there so much Sangheili equipment lying around in the Forward Unto Dawn?”
He knew Thel would not want to don his previous Arbiter armor. He carried the load to the infirmary where he placed the pieces neatly next to a sleeping Thel.
“Sleeping? More like catatonic after the thrashing he took…”
Inside her tent, Arya was fuming. She knew that Eragon pursued her, but she didn’t know that he would be stupid and ignorant enough to pull a stunt like that, even Saphira knew better. Ever since John and Thel arrived at the camp, Eragon had been less and less like himself, and now this happens.
Well, that’s what we at the Library like to call being out of character.
She absentmindedly took apart and polished her pistol just like John had shown her.
“Do to her extremely minimal experience with firearms, she somehow managed to physically destroy the muzzle brake and shoot herself through both feet.”
Chief went to the sparring arena. He didn’t know what he was doing there; maybe he just needed time to think. Arya silently walked up to John and wrapped her arms around John’s cold, titanium armored waist. Then John took off his helmet and bent down to press his lips against hers in a soft, kiss.
The fact that I find this somewhat romantic should tell you quite a lot- namely, that I am the only one who possibly would.
“Arya, I love you, if anything happens to one of us, I just want you to know that.” Suddenly, horns sounded in the distance.
“Oh, good. The engineers fixed the Melodrama Alarm.”
The entire base camp was alert and clambering to dress in their armor and report to their assigned positions. He even saw Thel stumble from the infirmary in the armor that he had left for him.
“No, that’s still the old set, just melted to his skin.”
John sprinted to where the trouble was. At the main entrance of the camp, there was a heavily wounded and bloody scout.
Well, they should be able to take him out with a minimum of trouble, at least.
“It’s the Empire! They have an army of thousands! They are heading this way!” John was expecting this. He knew sooner or later there would be an attack, but the men were ready, he knew they were.
“Two days ago his men had no concept of what a firearm was. The only thing they are ready for is death on a massive scale.”
John looked into the horizon and activated his zoom feature on his helmet. Indeed, there was an enemy camp, situated about fifty clicks from theirs.
Meaning this is not, in fact, an attack, and the horns and rush to arm up were completely uncalled for.
Inside his helmet John smiled, ‘They will never know what hit them.’ he thought.
Boy have they got that right.
Orik rushed to the Varden’s aid with a full legion of battle-ready dwarves when he heard they were about to be attacked by the blasted Empire. They were nearing the camp, only a few leagues left of marching.
Because what we really needed out of all of this was a pointless interlude with the king of the Dwarves.
In Nasuada’s central command tent, John, Thel, Arya, Eragon, Roran, and Nasuada were busy discussing how they were going to defend or attack the empire
“Considering that you are rebels, I don’t think defending the Empire would be a very good tactic at all.”
when a messenger came and told Nasuada of the news, “The dwarves have marched here to aid us in the upcoming battle.” Nasuada nodded and replied, “Give them my thanks.”
“That must not be pleasant, marching all this way only to learn that the troops you were coming to reinforce had suddenly acquired assault weapons and you were now utterly irrelevant.”
She then turned back to the group. “You all know your orders, move out!”
John was to be commanding his group which used guns; they were stationed in the rear long ranged group.
“Including the soldiers trained with shotguns and assault rifles, apparently.”
Thel was to be in control of his group of swordsmen at the front lines.
“A group of apparently regular steel-blade melee fighters, lead by an invincible, plasma-sword-wielding Sangheili. There is no way this can possibly go wrong…”
Arya was in charge of the archers. Eragon was going solo. And Roran, well, you all know what Roran was doing.
Well, no, actually we don’t. In the books, Roran seems to lead small elite units on high-risk operations, but is kind of inconsistent. The way it is written here, it sounds like he planned to spend the entire battle jerking off in his tent.
On the opposite side of the battlefield, the Empire’s army readied their troops for a charge. This was all too familiar to John, in the sky, he saw flock of crows and ravens expecting the upcoming feast that was sure to ensue.
John was armed to the teeth, two SMGs on his hips, a shotgun on his back and an assault rifle in his hands.
Two more weapons than he can carry in canon, mind you.
He was ready for any swords, spears, or arrows they can throw at him.
Pretty much, yeah. Given that the only enemies that can perform damaging melee attacks in the Halo games are the superstrong Flood, Brutes, and Elites, I’m guessing that even if they completely surrounded him the Imperial soldiers would not be able to inflict significant damage.
“Then again, this version of the Chief falls unconscious if his shield generators spin down by eighty percent, so all bets are off.”
He grinned in anticipation. There was a moment of complete silence. Suddenly Nasuada and the Empire general yelled simultaneously, “CHARGE!”
“Wait, what? Weren’t the rebels going to be attacking an Imperial camp fifty kilometers away?”
In the Formless Void, the battlefield can be anything it wants to be.
Not bad huh?
No, actually, not bad. Terrible.
Now Eragon is mentally depressed.
“As opposed to being… physically depressed?”
My money was on spiritually depressed.
How will that turn out? Hell, I don’t even know. Oh well, I’ll improvise.
“You aren’t exactly infusing me with confidence here.”
PLEASE REVIEW, or as a Supreme Commander of the Covenant Army, I will order a planet glassing!
Hate to break it to you, pal, but planetary glassing is carried out by the Covenant Navy.
Lol, alright see you next chapter.
“Same time, same place, same batch of idiocy.”