1170: The Great Rift – Chapter FivePosted: September 10, 2015
Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back to Herr Wozzeck’s Awkward Prose Corner! I’m your host, Herr Wozzeck, and we’re back with the purpler of our two awkward prose fics.
So what’s gonna happen this time? Well, let’s see, shall we?
We open our next chapter with this:
“Now approaching planet N85; commencing atmospheric descent. ETA to destination: thirty minutes.” ROB 64 affirmed.
Slippy was still inspecting his exterior, just making sure he was all good to go.
Slippy, why are you trying to make sure you didn’t turn into a frog? And why are you so uptight about that slime? After all, it’s not slime, it’s mucus!
Fox and Falco were circling around each other, practicing their moves while Peppy and,
So they were circling around…
Eh, I’ll give him this one. It’s not following game mechanics blindly. And after all, the last time something followed game mechanics blindly, we got fucking LoD: The Eighth Spirit.
Let’s not talk about that. Taco already talks about it enough.
Anyway, we get more conversation with Fox and Falco that, all told, isn’t actually horrible since it’s not completely OOC. We then launch into a mock fight scene, which of course starts with a sentenceograph:
The vulpine took the chance and shot forward with his signature flying kick, but his wingman reacted swiftly and caught his foot, stopping the attack.
And the action goes on there with this mock fight, where not much of—
They exchanged smirks with each other before Falco threw Fox’s leg back, but he landed gracefully.
*grabs the intercom*
Ninjas! Get the bolt tape ready! But not too much: Falco’s smirk is justified ‘cause he’s generally very cocky anyway.
Falco then released his reflector out towards Fox, who flipped backward in an elegant dodge before running forward to engage again.
“Elegant” dodge? I’m not so sure “elegant” is a word I would use to describe Fox McCloud, but whatever.
“If we can’t see it on TV,” Slippy remarked to Peppy. “What better way than to have a smash live in front of us.”
Um, Slippy, I think you left out several words there. Like, you know, anything that might give you context for why you’d want to have Smash live right in front of you.
Not that it’d be the same, really. What with, you know, the cockpit of the Great Fox being a tiny little thing where there’s barely enough room to move. So with that said, why the fuck are you two idiots just randomly doing a Smash round inside the cockpit of the fucking Great Fox!?
Seriously, you are aware of the fact that that’s a shit idea, right? Who knows what panels you’ll destroy, or what kind of injury you’ll give to Peppy and Slippy? So either take the fight somewhere else, or don’t fight!
After the two exchanged a number of more rapid jabs and kicks, all of which were blocked by the other, the pilots jumped back from each other and took a breather.
Well, I’m just thankful this wasn’t supposed to be a tense action scene. There’d be no need for dramatic tension there…
“Well, I think we’re both sure of each other’s speed in a fight,” Falco walked over to a table and took a quick drink of some energy refreshment.
Just like how we’re sure to get a conversation I can skip, right?
“The real question is… how will we do against those other morons?”
Um, Fox, why would you call them morons? That’s not like you at all, you know!
Fox wiped his forehead and warned, “Ha, don’t call them morons too soon.
Oh, it was Falco who had said that. Gee, if only there was some way to make that clear. Like, I dunno, putting the morons quote in the same paragraph as the rest of what he said? Something radical like that?
Anyway, Fox gets all “don’t fret too much, you never know what you’ll find, Peppy comments that his own leg aches, and then Falco challenges Peppy to get into a tournament. Peppy berates him for that, and then Falco leaves in a bit of a huff. It’s arguable it goes too far OOC for Falco, but fuck it. At least it hasn’t dipped down to the levels I saw in that StarFox fic I snarked once many moons ago…
The less said about that, the better.
As Falco Leaves, Peppy shoots back with “I can still move around”, but Falco doesn’t reply. After that, Peppy—
“Slippy, activate the magnetic shield to protect from the decent. You know how Pepper is about heat damage on the fleet.”
First of all, how the hell is the magnetic shield going to protect you from the “decent”? And why the hell would you want to protect yourself from decency, anyway? Unless…
Oh shit! StarFox has secretly been ferrying the slaves of Jasmine cumslut this whole time! Shit! Run away! Run away!
Second of all… LimeyK, you’re now not allowed to write about science topics either. I mean, really? Magnetic shielding is the Lylat System’s way of dealing with descents onto a planet? Do I even need to start going into how inaccurate this is?
Like, seriously, how the hell is a magnetic shield going to help against friction? ‘Cause that’s what causes things to burn up upon entry into an atmosphere, LimeyK: it’s not contact with the planet’s magnetic field (assuming it has one to begin with), it’s friction with the top of the atmosphere. Using a magnet isn’t going to do jack shit, unless the atmosphere is made of gaseous metals or something (and in that unlikely event, you probably wouldn’t survive entry into such an atmosphere anyway given how ludicrously hot it’d have to be to have fucking gaseous metals!). And anyway, um… well, you are aware that NASA (and really, most self-respecting space agencies) have already engineered the spacecraft to resist heat upon entry into an atmosphere, right? If we’re already doing that without having the ability to create magnetic shielding meant to deflect weapons, and if it’s done its job in all but the cases where something got knocked loose that shouldn’t have been knocked loose, then why the fuck are you writing this out!?
LimeyK. Research. Have you heard of it? You might want to start doing that at some point!
The mechanic nodded faithfully and flicked a switch, “Roger that. Atmospheric shield going up.”
Well, it’s not like this fic hasn’t defied the rules of logic before. After all, he apparently thinks that anthems can be exoticized or some shit like that, so there you go.
Anyway, the shields go up, and ROB 64 says that he’ll go do a routine inspection of stuff. (Not that you’d know it was ROB, since, once again, LimeyK put that part of Rob’s speech in a different paragraph!) And of course…
“If you don’t mind, I will go inspect the engine room in response to the vibrations, and then the Arwings for routine maintenance; might as well knock two birds out with one stone.”
“Hey, watch the bird and stone jokes,” Slippy stared at ROB 64 rather deviously. “If Falco was here, he’d have a fit!”
Or just be like “what the frick ever.”
They all laugh, and then Peppy says this:
They all shared a good laugh as Peppy then nodded in approval, “The ship does get a bit shaky now and then from atmospheric disturbances, so you might as well.”
You know what? I’m not even talking about it again. What would the point be, really?
Anyway, ROB 64 leaves, and then after a line break we cut to…
In a cargo compartment somewhere deep in the ship, the same pillar of light from the magnetic shield joining blasted through the dark room launching stacks of neatly arranged crates all over the floor.
Bwa? The hell was that supposed to describe?
When the light receded, Andreas was thrown against the metallic side of the room, sliding against the wall to the floor.
Ooooh, that was Andreas being shat into the Great Fox. Gee, wouldn’t that have been good to have clear and stuff?
Anyway, Andreas then stumbles around in the darkness, before he opens a door with—
—and all that (because that’s totally how you spell “infrared”) , and then the lights come on thanks to that. He then looks around, and then he feels his side pockets for his stuff.
As if something clicked, he felt his side pockets and realized his knife and phone were still there.
Oh, so that’s why he carries that knife everywhere! Gee, it’s like he has it on him at all times for a totally stupid reason that reeks of plot convenience!
Anyway, he then checks his phone to find that there’s no signal and the time was reset, and he’s like “oh fuck my life”. He then walks along the sides of the hallways and then hears voices and shit, and heads straight towards the sounds, like so:
With a quick swallow, he began to follow his ears amid the deep hum emanating all around the interior.
We then get a line break, and we cut to Andreas sneaking up on the bridge. He then looks around and sees some of the Star Fox team.
He reacts like this:
Blinking several times, Andreas was internally flabbergasted.
Star Fox…? Oh my god, what is this?
The plot of an author insert with slightly more likable characters and some of the worst prose I’ve seen since that friggin’ Legend of Dragoon fic.
He stood there, thinking silently with a swarming mixture of fear and curiosity.
Oh hello, Swenia. Nice to see you’re up and about. Less so that your problem hasn’t been solved, but—
Suddenly, a sharp click followed by a brief power up whizzing sounded as a nudge against his head caused all his thoughts to collectively shatter.
His eyes turned to see a blaster aimed right at his temple.
“Easy now, put your hands where I can see ’em.” Falco softly commanded as Andreas’ insides lurched.
Oh hi there, Falco. Say hi to your new best friend, right?
He had no other choice so he slowly did so, raising his hands up in the air.
Falco seemed satisfied, “That’s right; don’t even think about moving another muscle.”
To be fair to Falco, I would assume that anyone that just randomly stowed away on the ship is probably not up to anything good. And hey, you can’t really gauge what they’re there for until you take them in somewhere and interrogate ‘em. So until then, yeah, fair enough on Falco for assuming Andreas is hostile.
“Who are you?” He continued as Andreas began breathing very slowly, shaking, not knowing at all what to answer with.
“Hmm,” Falco still demanded. “Mind telling how the hell you got on our ship without detection from the scanners?”
Excellent question, Falco! It’s too bad Andreas has about the same idea you do of what the fuck just happened.
Hm… The plot is starting to get marginally better now. Oh, there’s the nitpicking involved, but so far it’s just bland and standard (if way too slowly paced for this type of story). So really, there’s not that much wrong with the plot itself.
The TV comes back on at that point in the bridge, and then we cut to the place being swarmed with reporters about Vic and what happened at the stadium. So then…
Andreas glanced up at the screen too and saw Victor, as well as glimpses of Mario and Kirby with the security guard Koopas and Goombas in the background.
And he managed to do that while Falco was holding him at gunpoint… Um, why? And wait, how is it that Fox, Slippy, and Peppy somehow have not noticed that Falco is busy holding a dude at gunpoint right outside the room they’re in? You seriously didn’t hear Falco say any of that?
After staring for a few moments, his eyes darted back over to Falco, who was now also distracted, transfixed at the news on the screen.
You know, instead of inwardly screaming “oh shit, Vic’s over there!?” and being like “what the fuck is going on here, and how is any of this possible”.
Andreas saw the presented opportunity for escape and slowly began reaching for his switchblade still in his pocket.
Oh for fuck’s sake…
A drop of sweat rolled down his cheek as he struggled to summon his courage to make the move.
Finally with a swift swipe, he struck out and deeply clipped Falco’s wing holding his blaster.
Andreas made a bolt back down the hallway as Falco cursed loudly in pain, dropping his gun.
“Augh, you son of a…! Damn you little…! Guys, intruder on the Great Fox!”
Good job, Andreas. If Falco wasn’t already suspecting malicious intent from you, you’ve pretty much confirmed it now that you’ve cut his fucking arm with a switch blade! But no, sitting around waiting for things to get better like a wimp is totally not how you handle stuff like this! Nope, you gotta be a man! ‘Cause men always resist being held at gunpoint even when it’s against common sense to do so, right?
So then, Fox and the others rush over to Falco after being alerted by Falco’s yell, and then they notice his wing’s been cut. Falco says:
“There’s a fucking spy on the ship! It cut my wing!” He angrily seethed as Fox’s shock quickly turned to vengeful menace.
Well, I would think a spy would be going too far, but I can’t blame Falco for using that as the first thing he mentions upon having been cut by a mysterious stranger who got onto the ship through unexplained means. So I’ll give him that one.
“Great Fox, identify current locations of all persons on board!” He commanded as blinking icons began moving accordingly, signifying their locations.
The ship replied, “Bridge: Peppy Hare and Slippy Toad. Main hallway: Fox Mcloud and Falco Lombardi. Arwing hangar hallway: ROB 64. Elevator and stair room: Unknown identity, possible threat. Recommend requesting intruder security alert at once.”
Slippy gave an unsure look over to Peppy before nodding frantically, “Confirm!”
Whoah, the Great Fox has such specific ways to identify things like that?
Huh. I wonder why more ships don’t do that in these kinds of settings. You’d think it’d make things really convenient and stuff.
Anyway, we then cut to Andreas, who’s running around as warning klaxons go off. He’s basically chased around by—
Up above in another, Fox ran side by side Falco, who was holding his wounded and still bleeding wing close to his body.
Fox, what the fuck!? Your best friend is injured, and you’re letting him chase Andreas around!? It’s even worse when you consider that thanks to this “visually demanding” story not even telling us how badly Falco’s arm was cut, we’re left to assume he could be bleeding out! It’s either profuse bleeding or not, and we have no frame of reference! Regardless, that man should be in the fucking infirmary, not running around chasing some dumbass who couldn’t stand still for two fucking seconds!
Fox! Team leading! You suck at it!
So Fox asks Slippy for an update: turns out, this update is that Andreas is heading towards where ROB 64 is. Falco asks a question if ROB can head this mysterious intruder off, and then Slippy gives an order to stop the unknown identity—
with all force necessary.”
Hey, hey! Turn it down! Be careful there!
So Andreas runs around with his knife out, where—
He stopped and put his hands on his knees for a brief moment, but heard approaching footsteps at a running pace.
He glanced back with the sense of fear and once again began running, nearing another corner.
Well, I guess it’s typical for Norwegian teenagers to not know that a chase is supposed to involve, oh, I dunno, not stopping to take a break!
Or maybe he forgot to watch Zombieland. ‘Cause remember kiddies:
Just as he was turning back around however, his eyes were met with a robotic fist flying straight at him.
Yes, but did it come suddenly and from behind?
ROB 64 was waiting behind the corner and decked Andreas square in the face, knocking him straight on the solid floor of the ship.
He landed hard on his back with a thick thud that was even heard through the audio that Slippy was watching on the security cameras.
Oh hey, finally some clear description. It’s too bad it then gets cluttered by the fact that he tried to poorly describe two things in the same breath, but fuck it, I’ll take it.
Slippy is all “we got him, bitches”, and then…
Andreas held his nose and groaned in pain as he could barely move any muscles.
All he could do was lightly writhe on the floor to barely grasp his dropped knife as Fox and Falco rounded the final corner.
Oh stop whining, Andreas. You’re not knocked out cold, so you could be in much worse shape. Though, honestly, I’m quite a bit more surprised that ROB didn’t knock you out. Getting punched by a metal fist can hurt, you know?
With angered determination, Fox ran up and jumped on Andreas, straddling him and sitting on his torso to prevent any movement.
I get the feeling that this is going to lead into a porno at some point…
He tightly held one of his struggling arms down fast, causing the knife to fall right back on the floor.
The vulpine kicked it away while the other hand drew his own blaster and held it against Andreas’ head.
“Just what exactly was your escape plan?”
His bushy tail twitched as his sharp teeth now bore.
“How about I make this easy for you: Are you a spy? If so, who are you working for and who sent you?”
Falco kneeled beside, picking up the knife and eyeing the human with seething anger.
“You tell him Fox, we ought to blow… or better yet, cut your puny head off right here, right now!”
Give me a second…
*checks cast list*
Huh. Evidently, the Star Fox characters are to be played in this performance by the Ferguson Police Department, with the role of Falco Lombardi going to special guest star George Zimmerman.
I guess now is when I start running…
He held the blade up close to their captive’s neck but Fox shook his head, giving a gesture to hold off.
“You little snitch, thinking you could get away with that.” Falco hesitantly obeyed and drew back the knife.
Okay, Andreas shouldn’t have cut your arm open like that, I get it. But you threatening to go all Jihad John on his ass is not going to help.
Welp, any faith I had for the plot not being stupid has officially left the building. Literally, in the course of one chapter, we’ve got all this overblown animosity that’s sprung up, and I have the nagging feeling it’s going to become a running plot thread in this story, too. And all because Andreas is a fucking dumbass who deliberately injured someone instead of waiting to get more information on what was going on! I mean, shit, dude, Vic was right there on the fucking TV screen!
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Come the fuck on, Andreas! I can understand being scared, but why the fuck did you think inciting physical violence was a good idea!?
So Falco essentially screams in Andreas’ face for a bit asking who he is, and then Andreas is like “that was my friend you saw on the TV”. He then goes on to say “I know who you are”, and Fox asks Slippy if he’s recording it.
Peppy was thinking and then added a final say, “He’s no spy if he’s talking so willingly like this.”
Peppy, you’re the oldest one in Star Fox. You should know that maybe he’s just feeding you information to get you to stop asking things. And I don’t know, I would still be suspicious of him given that, I don’t know, he cut Falco Lombardi’s arm open! Maybe if there were something else you’d be able to get him off, but this shit just does not fly!
Oh, and for the record, Fox, you still need him to get that cut checked. Gashes don’t tend to stop bleeding without a little help, you know?
Peppy tells them to bring Idiot to the bridge, and they help Andreas to his feet. Of course…
The realization then hit Andreas that he and his captors stood the exact same height as one another.
That’s what is so vitally important to this narrative that it needs to be shown above all else!
So then they go up to the bridge after a line break. We pick up with:
“What’s your name, son?” Peppy inquired as the human sat on a stool, holding a cloth over his nose.
Fox and Slippy stared on, particularly at his strange clothing, with attentive curiosity.
Wearing a bandage around his wing, only Falco still wore a visible veil of resentment.
Not that you can blame Falco. Though, bonus points for finally getting that cut checked during the scene change.
Also, thank you Peppy for showing them how it’s done.
ROB 64 was meanwhile performing a sort of body scan up and down Andreas before concluding.
There you go with the awkward prose again, LimeyK! What the hell!?
“My bio-analysis concludes that this humanoid’s origin is not from any planet, sector, or system in our entire database, meaning he is not even from the known galaxy.”
Oh. Huh, apparently ROB was installed with the Plot-O-Thon 3000. You gotta love PCC inventions, right guys?
The Star Fox team exchanged looks as Andreas stared at them with a pale confusion.
“G-galaxy…? I… I don’t understand…!”
Reasonable reaction. I’m now waiting for it to get overridden by the fact that—
He started before the team’s robot cut him off, finishing his own initial statement.
“By the way, I do apologize for the pain I caused your face. I was only following orders.”
Andreas smiled a bit jokingly, still rubbing his nose with the cloth, “It was a good hit though.”
Okay, that was actually a pretty funny line there. From ROB, not Andreas. Far as I’m concerned, Idiot here had it coming.
Falco suddenly flipped out the switchblade and held it up.
“If only it could have been my fist.”
Hey now, George, calm your tits! Jesus, if you were any more high-strung you’d be—
He scoffed lightly as he saw some remaining blood on the blade’s edge.
“That was a pretty smooth move you pulled, I’ll give you that much. Takes some real balls for someone so sissy looking like yourself.”
He gave a sarcastic smirk to the shy human, who was still noticeably unnerved.
“Then again though, I would have probably done the same if I was you, Andre.”
Andreas could only swallow lightly as he felt a small chill run up his spine.
Shaking his head, Falco thought a moment before continuing, “You might have just ruined my chances in the smash tournament. Anyhow, I’ll be keeping this for a token.”
We’re supposed to hate this fucker, right? I know Falco was cocky in the canon, but he was never mean-spirited about that. These is almost the actions of a sadist! Who the fuck is this guy, and what has he done with Falco?
Anyway, Andreas is like “what the hell is this Smash Tournament”, and then he looks like “I don’t understand what’s going on and how I ended up here from playing Smash in my living room with Vic”, and the others are like “wait, what’s that?” Peppy then asks how Andreas knows who the Star Fox chacters are, and… well…
“I know who you all are,” Andreas calmly replied, “Um, well… You’re Peppy Hare, Slippy Toad, Fox Mcloud, Falco Lombardi, and ROB 64. You’re the one and only Star Fox team.”
The whole team was shocked.
Because why show the shock, right?
“Minimal” Exposition Count: 13
I’m going to take it as a good thing that I’m not bashing that counter this much in this installment. Trust me, it’ll be better for my sanity if I do.
Their silence was cut short however when the ship’s com alerted, “Attention, unidentified large craft detected on radar bearing the same course.”
“It came suddenly and from behind!”
Slippy ran over to the radar display and saw a huge spot moving toward the Great Fox.
His frog eyes widened and his voice seemed shaky, “Uh… Fox, you better come look at this!”
Fox ran up and saw what he was staring at on the radar, which was indeed drawing closer and causing an increasing pace of the alarm.
Okay, do we need to put Swenia under again? I swear to God if we have to do that I’m going to murder a few kittens.
Suddenly, their ship began to rattle and vibrate with frightening force as the unidentified vessel drew near the same position of the Great Fox.
The ship’s com became slightly raspy and static now, as even the screen showing the news flickered and lost its signal again.
Goddammit, did a Reaper just go past the Great Fox? Why aren’t they shooting at it!?
“Warning, unidentified large craft dangerously close! Impact imminent! Recommend evasive maneuvers at once!”
Oh hey, finally, some tension! And it… well, it would be better paced if it wasn’t across a ton of sentenceographs, but hey; better than nothing at this stage, right?
Slippy turned frantically to Peppy, “Which direction?!”
*points at the radar*
Aren’t those things usually calibrated so that the center of the radar is you and all the other dots you see are everything else? I could’ve sworn that was standard procedure with radar!
The old hare hopped impressively fast over to the main control board and yanked the steering handle down to the left.
Thank you, Peppy, for having some common sense!
The giant bridge window became shadowed by the massive incoming unidentified craft.
As Andreas and the Star Fox team gazed out, the first thing they saw was a huge metal mask soar by, followed by a dark colored ship hull of epically massive proportions.
Iconic bat-like wing sails protruded from the back sides.
Aw man, it wasn’t a Reaper! So what is it then?
Andreas recognized it immediately. “What the…! That’s the Halberd!”
The others just gave him a blank stare.
The human continued uneasily, “That’s Meta Knight’s ship!”
Wait, so Meta Knight’s ship shows up, it’s being menacing…
Where’s it heading?
Fox stared worriedly at the dwarfing craft soaring directly above them.
“I know who it is, but something isn’t right…” He spoke concerned. “His air speed is way too fast for how close we are to the stadium.”
Andreas became slightly pale. “The stadium…?”
And it’s on its way to crash the party at the stadium.
Ladies and gentlemen, this fic is officially regurgitating the Subspace Emissary very, very closely. Like, so closely it hurts. I mean, between the fact that they’re approaching a stadium, the fact that Kirby and Mario are fighting, the fact that the Halberd is pretty much going to crash the party, even down to the fact that Peach and Zelda were spectating that particular fight!
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Well, at least LimeyK isn’t stealing any canon dialogue. I’d love to see how you’d do that when the Subspace Emissary’s story is done entirely without any dialogue, but the point still stands.
These next few chapters are gonna be long ones, aren’t they?